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Be the Calm You Want to See in Your Child

Be the Calm You Want to See in Your Child

The worry begins as a trickle in his mind. It develops momentum and drops into his body causing his palms to sweat, heart to race, and tummy to ache. Finally, your child’s worry erupts:

“Mommy, what if I have a new teacher in school?”

“Daddy, what if I can’t find someone to play with?”

The words hit you. You, too, begin to worry both vicariously for him and about your ability to quell the worry. No matter what your past experience, you give it your best shot.

You try reassurance: “Honey, everything is going to be OK, I promise.”

You invoke logic: “It wasn’t so bad last time, remember? That means this time it will be even easier.”

You lend strength: “You’re strong and brave. You have it in you to do this. I believe in you.”

You teach coping skills: “Take some deep breaths. Deep breathing will really help.”

The result? Your child still worries.

And you? You begin to feel exasperated, exhausted, helpless, and perhaps even hopeless.

If this is how you feel as the parent or caretaker of an anxious child, you are not alone. Do not give up hope, do not give up trying–you can and will find a way to reach your child.

Instead of focusing on the end goal of reducing the anxiety, begin with a powerful baby step. Build an empathetic connection with your child.

Note: If you’re feeling tired or even angry as a result of your recent experiences trying to help an anxious child, please do this before using any of the techniques below. Take out a sheet of paper and write down three of your child’s greatest strengths. Think of three examples where your child recently used his or her strengths. Keep this paper with you.

Next time your child comes to you feeling anxious, adopt one of these strategies:


  1. Use the Fast-Food Rule

    This simple rule was developed by author Harvey Karp. Karp reminds us that when we go to a fast food restaurant and order something through the drive through (e.g., “Can I have a burger and fries please?”) they always repeat back the order (e.g., “So you’d like a burger and fries, correct?”). Repeating back to someone what they are saying makes them feel heard and respected. What’s more is it builds an immediate connection.

    Before you kick into problem-solving mode with an anxious child, repeat back to them with complete sincerity what they are expressing to you. Master this technique to validate their feelings and help them feel understood.

  2. Tell a story about yourself

    When your child comes to you with a worry (however irrational it may seem), close your eyes and draw out a past experience or feeling of your own that resembles what they are going through. When you open your eyes, say these three words: “I get it.” Then tell them your story and why you understand what they are feeling.

  3. Be the calm you want to see in your child

    Make a decision that you are going to respond to your child instead of reacting to them. A powerful way to respond is by listening intently and silently. After they are done explaining their worry (even if the explanation comes in the form of screaming), maintain your silence.

    When the time is right, you can say, “I hear you and I’m here for you.” You can then invite them into your silence by holding hands, hugging, or leaning in. Children are very intuitive and can mimic the energy you exude. Do not underestimate the ripple effect these micro-moments of calm can have on your child’s well-being. In silence, you can deliberately cultivate a contagion of peace.

  4. Remix a coping skill

    When you feel your child is receptive to learning a coping skill, remix the ordinary into something fun. Instead of deep breathing, for example, maybe your child wants to try breathing like Darth Vader. If your child is young, perhaps they want to take in a deep breath and blow out birthday candles.


About the Author: Renee Jain

Renee JainRenee Jain is an award-winning tech entrepreneur turned speaker and certified life coach. She also holds a masters in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Renee specializes in cultivating skills of resilience in both adults and children. Her passion is taking research-based concepts and transforming them into fun and digestible learning modules. For children, she has created one-of-a-kind anxiety relief programs at GoZen! delivered via engaging animated shorts.

5 Comments

Oliver R

Thanks for sharing this article. It takes a neural stance on a difficult subject and caringly provides real life examples for parents or single adults like myself trying to grasp at empathy and compassion.

Reply
Mary Carver

This is so good! Thank you! You nailed it, describing all the steps I go through (unsuccessfully) when my daughter is anxious or scared. These are great tips that I am going to start using today.

In addition to having an anxious child myself, I also work for ForEveryMom.com, a parenting site – and I’d love to share this post with our readers with your permission. Would you let us republish this on our site, giving you full credit as author, linking back to the original post here, and including your bio and head shot? Let me know if you have questions! Thank you!

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Mary so pleased you love the article. You’ll have to get in touch with the author, Renee, for permission to reprint. It’s her article so she owns the copyright. Her details are in the bio.

Reply
Meg Ferrante

LOVE this line: In silence, you can deliberately cultivate a contagion of peace.

Great piece, concrete tips, I’m on it… TONIGHT!

Reply

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Everything comes back to how safe we feel - everything: how we feel and behave, whether we can connect, learn, play - or not. It all comes back to felt safety.

The foundation of felt safety for kids and teens is connection with their important adults.

Actually, connection with our important people is the foundation of felt safety for all of us.

All kids will struggle with feeling a little disconnected at times. All of us adults do too. Why? Because our world gets busy sometimes, and ‘busy’ and ‘connected’ are often incompatible.

In trying to provide the very best we can for them, sometimes ‘busy’ takes over. This will happen in even the most loving families.

This is when you might see kiddos withdraw a little, or get bigger with their behaviour, maybe more defiant, bigger feelings. This is a really normal (though maybe very messy!) attempt to restore felt safety through connection.

We all do this in our relationships. We’re more likely to have little scrappy arguments with our partners, friends, loved adults when we’re feeling disconnected from them.

This isn’t about wilful attempt, but an instinctive, primal attempt to restore felt safety through visibility. Because for any human, (any mammal really), to feel unseen is to feel unsafe.

Here’s the fix. Notice them when they are unnoticeable. If you don’t have time for longer check-ins or conversations or play, that’s okay - dose them up with lots of micro-moments of connection.

Micro-moments matter. Repetition matters - of loving incidental comments, touch, laughter. It all matters. They might not act like it does in the moment - but it does. It really does.

And when you can, something else to add in is putting word to the things you do for them that might go unnoticed - but doing this in a joyful way - not in a ‘look at what I do for you’ way.

‘Guess what I’m making for dinner tonight because I know how much you love it … pizza!’

‘I missed you today. Here you go - I brought these car snacks for you. I know how much you love these.’

‘I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you today. I can’t wait to sit down and have dinner with you.’ ❤️

#parenting #gentleparenting #parent #parentingwithrespect
It is this way for all of us, and none of this is about perfection. 

Sometimes there will be disconnect, collisions, discomfort. Sometimes we won’t be completely emotionally available. 

What’s important is that they feel they can connect with us enough. 

If we can’t move to the connection they want in the moment, name the missing or the disconnect to help them feel less alone in it:

- ‘I missed you today.’ 
- ‘This is a busy week isn’t it. I wish I could have more time with you. Let’s go to the park or watch a movie together on Sunday.’
- ‘I know you’re annoyed with me right now. I’m right here when you’re ready to talk. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.’
- ‘I can see you need space. I’ll check in on you in a few minutes.’

Remember that micro-connections matter - the incidental chats, noticing them when they are unnoticeable, the smiles, the hugs, the shared moments of joy. They all matter, not just for your little people but for your big ones too.♥️
Too many students are being stifled by anxiety, and this number is on the rise.

Far from being ‘another anxiety workshop’, this comprehensive approach will draw on neuroscience, evidence-based strategies, and highly respected therapeutic models in developing a fresh, impactful approach to working with anxiety in young people.

We will explore anxiety from the ground up, developing a ‘roadmap’ for a therapeutic response to anxiety that will include key information, powerful strategies, and new responses to anxiety to effect immediate and long-term change.

This workshop is for anyone who works with young people in any capacity. 

Includes full catering, handbook and PD certificate.

For the full range of workshops in Australia and New Zealand, see the link in the bio.♥️

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