by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher

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Breaking Up – Why it Hurts and the Proof it Will Pass

Breaking up is really hard. Yes. It is.Good. Now that that’s cleared up, there’s some remarkable new research that explains why.

Romantic love is a specific form of addiction – there are similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving.

A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology has found that a relationship breakup may feel so painful because it activates the part of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings.

There’s nothing sharp in the observation that breakups can send behavior a bit off the wall.

Though there’s nothing wrong with:

  • back-to-back doona days in a room that you haven’t left in days and which is cluttered with tissues, old photos (that may or may not be torn/ crumbled/ aimed at the bin) and DVD box sets;
  • obsessive googling of your horoscope in the hope that it turns up something about a ‘special meeting with a loved one’, or ‘she will leave him for her dream career – patting cats for rich busy people’, then, because perfect closure is excellent, ‘you will become a rich busy person. With a cat. And a rather wonderful someone’;
  • actually reaching 100 in your list of 100 Things I Always Hated About Him (you loved him yesterday remember, but go for it – just don’t send it to his mum);
  • posting regular Facebook updates with too many caps and exclamation marks like ‘Best. Night. EVER!!!’ Or ‘AH-MAZ-ING!!!! No words ;)’ when you actually spent the night crying into your cereal with Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ on repeat in that bedroom that is actually starting to smell like hate;

they generally fall just outside the lines of the everyday.

What They Did

The researchers recorded the brain activity of people who had recently been through a breakup, were still intensely in love with their ex, spent most of their waking hours thinking of them and desperately wanted the relationship back.

Participants were shown a photo of their former partner and then distracted from their romantic thoughts by completing a simple maths exercise. They then looked at a photo of a familiar ‘neutral’ person.

 

What They Found

Brain scans showed similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving. Looking at photos of their former partners stimulated key areas of the brain to a greater degree than looking at neutral photos. The key areas were:

  • a part of the mid-brain that controls motivation and reward;
  • an area associated with craving and addition, specifically the reward system also active in cocaine addiction;
  • the area associated with physical pain and distress.

And The Best Bit – The Proof It Will Pass

The study also found evidence that in relation to a breakup, ‘time heals.’

As time passed, brain imaging showed less activity in the area of the brain associated with attachment when the participants looked at photos of their former partners.

Breaking up feels awful and can feel like you’ve been sent on a lonely stint to crazy town. Let yourself drop your bundle for a bit (within reason – stalking and publicly bringing him/her down will never end well).

You’re going through a major upheaval and your brain and your body are going to take some time to adjust.

And they will adjust.

As awful as it feels, the pain won’t last forever. Now science has done a(nother) beautiful thing and given us the research that proves it.

6 Comments

Rick

Yes I feel a pain as she left to a different state but stopped texting. 3 weeks before she was going to leave we got a little cold with the relationship mainly from her. She said I was suspicious sometimes when I’ve only asked questions to understand her. She was married 2 times she told me, and I was ok with anything she said. Sometimes things didn’t seem to add up as she was evasive in a weird way. Anyway she stopped texting when she got down south. She was going there for only two months, checking on a doctors advice of operation for sciatica. She said it stressed her out sometimes just talking, which obviously was a red flag to me, figuring she could have wanted to be alone OR didn’t want to admit how she hurt me. It was easier just to slip out of sight I suppose. It hurt me. I mean I’m not dumb but it hurt!

Reply
Julia

I am experiencing intense pain, guilt and flashbacks, literally years after the end of my first real relationship, lasting 5 years, with a much older man. I couldn’t handle the age difference but didn’t feel able to end it either. I kept the relationship a secret from my family as I am sure they would have told me never to darken their doorstep again. In the end I had to leave the relationship quickly and unexpectedly, to avoid a breakdown. I rushed straight into another liaison (which was a disaster) but never grieved the original relationship or, importantly, returned to explain and apologise for the hurt I had caused. I simply felt too uncomfortable and anxious to make contact.Recently I learned that the man had died. All the stored-up guilt, sorrow and regrets have hit me, hard. Too late now to change things. Goes to show how important it is not to run from the prospect of breaking up because covering things up, as I did, doesn’t help and can make things so much worse all round.

Reply
Vickie M

I broke up with him on Christmas Day after six years. The last three had no emotional touch, and I always initiated any hug or kiss. We went from being close to barely talking or texting. Yet I feel horrible. In my head. I know we haven’t really been together for 3 years, but I hurt so much. I feel guilt. I feel like a horrible person. I know time will heal. I know God will take care of him and of me. I know this is necessary for the healing. But I forgot how painful heartbreak is. It is probably why I held on for so long.

Reply
Tati

How do you feel now that some time has passed? Are you better? I am going through horrendous breakup pain at the moment.

Reply
Kishore

I went through a breakup just yesterday. It feels like a doom. Feels sooo fu*kin awful!! I know I did the right thing breaking up with her because we want different things from Life…but still it hurts soo much! Reading this article gave me some hope. I know I will be better in a few weeks/months. Thankyou:))

Reply
Nathan

Im I’m so much pain right now . That I can’t control the sadness of my break up
. I miss them like crazy and can’t stop missing stuff ! Like the past

Reply

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karenyoung_heysigmund

I love being a parent. I love it with every part of my being and more than I ever thought I could love anything. Honestly though, nothing has brought out my insecurities or vulnerabilities as much. This is so normal. Confusing, and normal.

However many children we have, and whatever age they are, each child and each new stage will bring something new for us to learn. It will always be this way.

Our children will each do life differently, and along the way we will need to adapt and bend ourselves around their path to light their way as best we can. But we won’t do this perfectly, because we can’t always know what mountains they’ll need to climb, or what dragons they’ll need to slay. We won’t always know what they’ll need, and we won’t always be able to give it. We don’t need to. But we’ll want to. Sometimes we’ll ache because of this and we’ll blame ourselves for not being ‘enough’. Sometimes we won’t. This is the vulnerability that comes with parenting.

We love them so much, and that never changes, but the way we feel about parenting might change a thousand times before breakfast. Parenting is tough. It’s worth every second - every second - but it’s tough.

Great parents can feel everything, and sometimes it can turn from moment to moment - loving, furious, resentful, compassionate, gentle, tough, joyful, selfish, confused and wise - all of it. Great parents can feel all of it.

Because parenting is pure joy, but not always. We are strong, nurturing, selfless, loving, but not always. Parents aren’t perfect. Love isn’t perfect. And it was meant to be. We’re raising humans - real ones, with feelings, who don’t need to be perfect, and wont need others to be perfect. Humans who can be kind to others, and to themselves first. But they will learn this from us.

Parenting is the role which needs us to be our most human, beautifully imperfect, flawed, vulnerable selves. Let’s not judge ourselves for our shortcomings and the imperfections, and the necessary human-ness of us.❤️

View

Sep 2

Open
I love being a parent. I love it with every part of my being and more than I ever thought I could love anything. Honestly though, nothing has brought out my insecurities or vulnerabilities as much. This is so normal. Confusing, and normal. However many children we have, and whatever age they are, each child and each new stage will bring something new for us to learn. It will always be this way. Our children will each do life differently, and along the way we will need to adapt and bend ourselves around their path to light their way as best we can. But we won’t do this perfectly, because we can’t always know what mountains they’ll need to climb, or what dragons they’ll need to slay. We won’t always know what they’ll need, and we won’t always be able to give it. We don’t need to. But we’ll want to. Sometimes we’ll ache because of this and we’ll blame ourselves for not being ‘enough’. Sometimes we won’t. This is the vulnerability that comes with parenting. We love them so much, and that never changes, but the way we feel about parenting might change a thousand times before breakfast. Parenting is tough. It’s worth every second - every second - but it’s tough. Great parents can feel everything, and sometimes it can turn from moment to moment - loving, furious, resentful, compassionate, gentle, tough, joyful, selfish, confused and wise - all of it. Great parents can feel all of it. Because parenting is pure joy, but not always. We are strong, nurturing, selfless, loving, but not always. Parents aren’t perfect. Love isn’t perfect. And it was meant to be. We’re raising humans - real ones, with feelings, who don’t need to be perfect, and wont need others to be perfect. Humans who can be kind to others, and to themselves first. But they will learn this from us. Parenting is the role which needs us to be our most human, beautifully imperfect, flawed, vulnerable selves. Let’s not judge ourselves for our shortcomings and the imperfections, and the necessary human-ness of us.❤️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Brains and bodies crave balance.

When our bodies are too hot, too cold, fighting an infection, we’ll will shiver or fever or sweat in an attempt to regulate.

These aren’t deliberate or deficient, but part of the magnificent pool of resources our bodies turn to to stay strong for us.

Our nervous systems have the same intense and unavoidable need for balance.

When the brain FEELS unsafe (doesn’t mean it is unsafe) it will attempt to recruit support. How? Through feelings. When we’re in big feels, someone is going to notice. Our boundaries are clear. Were seen, heard, noticed. Maybe not the way we want to be, but when the brain is in ‘distress’ mode, it only cares about the next 15 seconds. This is why we all say or do things we wouldn’t normally do when we’re feeling big sad, angry, anxious, jealous, lonely, frustrated, unseen, unheard, unvalidated.

In that moment, our job isn’t to stop their big feelings. We can’t. In that moment they don’t have the resources or the skills to regulate so they need our help.

When they’re in an emotional storm, our job is to be the anchor - calm, attached, grounded.

Breathe and be with. Hold the boundaries you need to hold to keep everyone (including them) relationally and physically safe, and add warmth. This might sound like nothing at all - just a calm, steady, loving presence, or it might sound like:

‘I know this feels big. I’m here. I want to hear you. (Relationship)

AND
No I won’t hear you while you’re yelling. (Boundary) Get it out of you though. Take your time. I’m right here. (Relationship. The message is, bring your storm to me. I can look after you.)

OR
No I won’t let you hurt my body / sibling’s body. (Boundary. Step away or move sibling out of the way.) I’m right here. You’re not in trouble. I’m right here. (Relationship)

OR if they’re asking for space:
Ok I can see you need space. It’s a good idea that you take the time you need. I’m right here and I’ll check on you in a few minutes. Take your time. There’s no hurry. (Relationship - I can look after you and give you what you need, even when it’s space from me.)’♥️

View

Aug 26

Open
Brains and bodies crave balance. When our bodies are too hot, too cold, fighting an infection, we’ll will shiver or fever or sweat in an attempt to regulate. These aren’t deliberate or deficient, but part of the magnificent pool of resources our bodies turn to to stay strong for us. Our nervous systems have the same intense and unavoidable need for balance. When the brain FEELS unsafe (doesn’t mean it is unsafe) it will attempt to recruit support. How? Through feelings. When we’re in big feels, someone is going to notice. Our boundaries are clear. Were seen, heard, noticed. Maybe not the way we want to be, but when the brain is in ‘distress’ mode, it only cares about the next 15 seconds. This is why we all say or do things we wouldn’t normally do when we’re feeling big sad, angry, anxious, jealous, lonely, frustrated, unseen, unheard, unvalidated. In that moment, our job isn’t to stop their big feelings. We can’t. In that moment they don’t have the resources or the skills to regulate so they need our help. When they’re in an emotional storm, our job is to be the anchor - calm, attached, grounded. Breathe and be with. Hold the boundaries you need to hold to keep everyone (including them) relationally and physically safe, and add warmth. This might sound like nothing at all - just a calm, steady, loving presence, or it might sound like: ‘I know this feels big. I’m here. I want to hear you. (Relationship) AND No I won’t hear you while you’re yelling. (Boundary) Get it out of you though. Take your time. I’m right here. (Relationship. The message is, bring your storm to me. I can look after you.) OR No I won’t let you hurt my body / sibling’s body. (Boundary. Step away or move sibling out of the way.) I’m right here. You’re not in trouble. I’m right here. (Relationship) OR if they’re asking for space: Ok I can see you need space. It’s a good idea that you take the time you need. I’m right here and I’ll check on you in a few minutes. Take your time. There’s no hurry. (Relationship - I can look after you and give you what you need, even when it’s space from me.)’♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

I think this is one of the hardest things as parents - deciding when to protect them and when to move forward. The line isn’t always clear, but it’s an important one.

Whenever our kiddos feels the distress of big anxiety, we will be driven to protect them from that distress. It’s what makes us loving, amazing, attentive parents. It’s how we keep them safe.

The key is knowing when that anxiety is because of true danger, and when it’s because they are about to do something growthful, important, or brave.

We of course want to hold them back from danger, but not from the things that will grow them.

So when their distress is triggering ours, as it is meant to, and we’re driven to support their avoidance, ask,

‘Do they feel like this because they’re jn danger or because they’re about to do something brave, important, growthful.’

‘Is this a time for me to hold them back (from danger), or is it a time for me to support them forward (towards something important/ brave/ growthful)?’

And remember, the move towards brave can be a teeny shuffle - one tiny brave step at a time. It doesn’t have to be a leap.❤️

View

Aug 16

Open
I think this is one of the hardest things as parents - deciding when to protect them and when to move forward. The line isn’t always clear, but it’s an important one. Whenever our kiddos feels the distress of big anxiety, we will be driven to protect them from that distress. It’s what makes us loving, amazing, attentive parents. It’s how we keep them safe. The key is knowing when that anxiety is because of true danger, and when it’s because they are about to do something growthful, important, or brave. We of course want to hold them back from danger, but not from the things that will grow them. So when their distress is triggering ours, as it is meant to, and we’re driven to support their avoidance, ask, ‘Do they feel like this because they’re jn danger or because they’re about to do something brave, important, growthful.’ ‘Is this a time for me to hold them back (from danger), or is it a time for me to support them forward (towards something important/ brave/ growthful)?’ And remember, the move towards brave can be a teeny shuffle - one tiny brave step at a time. It doesn’t have to be a leap.❤️

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