Charisma: How to Radiate Warmth and Confidence

Charisma How to Radiate Warmth and Confidence

Some people are intoxicating to be with. You know the ones. They have a way of making you feel important, noticed, and they linger in your thoughts for a while after they’re gone – not (necessarily) in a romantic, falling in love kind of way, or an obsessive, ‘let’s see what our mutual friends, Google or Facebook, say about you’ kind of way, but in the kind of way that leaves you feeling bigger, more energised and with the impression that they’re someone pretty wonderful. 

They captivate. They have you noticing, and when they speak, they have you listening, hearing and open to their influence. Sometimes they’ll shift your mood just by being with you for a while.

They’re sought after, enjoyed, trusted, remembered and influential. Their magic lies, not so much in what they say or do, but how they make you feel – and anyone can do it. Here’s how:

  1. Tell your stories – but for the right reason.

    It’s great to tell stories, as long as they’re told to connect, rather than to show people how clever, attractive or important you are. Stories told to connect are powerful. Stories that are told from a position of self importance won’t fool anyone. Be humble, funny, personal and a story that pulls tighter on a common between you both will be gold. There will be times when talking about your strengths will be exactly the way to go, but just make sure it’s for the right reasons.

  2. Be vulnerable.

    Vulnerability is powerful. And charming. There are a few ways to do this – with praise, by being emotionally generous, or by telling a story which shows that you as less than perfect. Vulnerability can have the effect of communicating confidence, establishing trust in the people you’re talking to, and can increase your likeability by giving permission for others to take a risk or to be less than perfect themselves. 

  3. Let your body talk. Your mind is listening.

    Charisma is a perfect blend of warmth and confidence. The connection between our mind and our body is a strong one, and what we do with our body, has the power to influence what we think and feel. To feel confident, act as though you are. Assuming a more confident pose will help actually change the way you feel. Stand small, and you’ll feel smaller, but expand a little (taller, more open) and you’ll feel more confident. Before you go into a social situation (or any situation in which a boost in confidence would come in handy), hold a confident pose for two minutes. Do it in private if that feels easier.

    Research by Harvard professor Amy Cuddy has found that striking a power pose for two minutes (standing tall, chin raised, arms stretched, or legs apart with hands of hips – Wonder Woman style) initiates an increase in testosterone (the dominance hormone) and a decrease in cortisol (the stress hormone), which will increase feelings of confidence. 

  4. Show, don’t tell.

    There’s just no short-cut to getting people to warm to you. We’ve all been with people who  grab at a barely-there opportunity to talk about how great they are. ‘Sigh. I was back in my XXS pre-baby clothes within two weeks of giving birth. I think it all comes down to self-discipline – you know, nutrition, exercise and plenty of sleep. And effort … like … I spent ages finding the perfect nanny. And personal trainer. And personal chef. And my husband loves me for it, don’tcha baby!’ Ugh. Be patient and let people feel how good you are to be with – show them, don’t tell them. Let the other person be the centre of the world for a little while and feel what it’s like to have your attention and energy.

  5. Interested is interesting.

    Don’t worry about what you’re going to say. (Unless you’re getting paid to speak, and there’s an audience waiting to hear what you have to say then, yeah, worry.) The magic is in the listening – and it is like magic. Forget about trying to be interesting – that will come when you show interest in what someone has to say, and when it does come it will be effortless.

  6. Be curious.

    Go into a conversation with the intention of finding out something interesting about the other person. Everyone has a story to tell and the best people to be around are the ones who encourage and give space for that story to be told. The story doesn’t have to be a big one – it’s not just the big details that make up a life, the smaller ones are important too. Whether it’s a story about the day, the weekend, work, kids, pets or the bigger things that make us who we are – everyone has something to say. Be curious, and encouarge their story to life.

  7. Shine the light on someone else.

    Offering praise is such a wonderful thing to do, but it can feel risky. ‘What if it’s not received? What if they get the wrong idea? When praise is genuine and given with generous intent, it can transform a moment, a person, a day. Praise will always have the capacity to lift the person who is receiving it, as well as the person giving it – it really is that powerful. Praise will inspire, warm and strengthen a connection. Do it without limits, but make sure it’s genuine. You’ll never know the difference you could be making to someone.

  8. Invite self-disclosure.

    Self-disclosure, food and money – they all have something in common. (Stay with me.) Research from Harvard University neuroscientists has found that self-disclosure activates the brain region associated with reward, triggering the same kind of happy that we get from food or money. It’s also the part of the brain that lights up with we find out that other people have the same opinion as we do, when we experience something funny, and when we catch a quick glimpse of someone kinda cute from the opposite sex, or whatever sex we’re attracted to. That doesn’t mean that everyone is a ‘hey how are you,’ away from sharing their life story, what it means is that when people share something, it feels good. Encourage self-disclosure from the person you’re with by being curious and by doing the little things that show you’re interested – nods, uh-huh, smiling.  

  9. Listen, without planning your response.

    One of the things that makes people ordinary at listening is the tendency to be planning a response while the other person is talking. This immediately dilutes your attentiveness – and people can tell. Rather than thinking about a response, think about what you would like to know more about.

    Be curious, more than ‘clever’. Research has shown that asking people to tell you more will instantly make you more likeable. When you encourage people to elaborate, those people will be more likely to want to spend time with you, more receptive to what you have to say, and more likely to judge what you’re saying as valid.

  10. Check your ego at the door.

    Invite opinion, but hold back on judgement. When you understand enough of someone’s story, the way they see the world usually starts to make sense. Ask questions that help you see the world through their eyes. It doesn’t mean you’ll agree with it, it just means that you can see how they personally got to their opinion. In the same circumstances, you might have got to a completely different one – and that’s okay. Showing interest doesn’t mean showing support for their point of view. It means that you’re open to listening, without judging, and this can feel captivating to be around. Let the person know that you would like to understand more about how they’ve arrived where they have, ‘I’d really like to understand – can you say more?

  11. Hold on tight to your humanity.

    Believe in the value and potential of others. Let the people you’re with feel noticed and important. The person who exudes confidence and positivity but believes they are better than everyone else will have limited influence, and limited likability. Generally, for these people, if they have influence it’s because they’ve manipulated things in that general direction, ‘You don’t have to believe that I’m Master of the entire freaking universe – I would never force my opinion on anyone because I’m, you know, great like that – but there might be a price to pay if you don’t, soooo, yeah … up to you.’. The only people who think arrogant people are good to be around are other arrogant people, though this will often end in a dogfight. Egos clashing with egos – you know how that’s going to end – usually with a fireball that can be seen from space through the eye of a needle. 

  12. Let go of being right.

    Correcting someone is an instant rapport killer. Yes you might be right, but that doesn’t mean the other person is wrong. Even if they are, jumping to point that out will lose them.  Research has found that when you say something that goes against what someone else believes, however right you are, their fight or flight response (the primitive, reactive, self-preservation part of the brain) will be activated. When this happens, the parts of the brain that are able to reason and think logically, will shut down as the person readies for the fight.  As soon as it becomes about winning, someone has to lose – usually both people will lose in some way. This isn’t about being passive, but about preserving the connection and having the other person feel heard, because it’s the best way to make sure that you are. 

  13. Start positive.

    Start a conversation with something positive and try to avoid your opening being about bad traffic, bad weather, bad food or bad news. There’s certainly a place for that, but just avoid letting it be right at the beginning. Positive words, positive feelings, positive impact.

    [irp posts=”771″ name=”The Way to Thrive: Emotional Intelligence – What, Why, How”]

     

  14. And end on a positive.

    When people reflect on an experience, they’re drawing on their memory of the experience, rather than the experience itself. Research has found that there are two things that influence this – the experience at its most intense, and what the experience was like at the end. People will rate an experience more positively (even if it’s an unpleasant experience, like a colonoscopy, studying or putting their hands in freezing water), if the last part of the experience is pleasant. So – when it comes to say goodbye, rather than waving and walking, try adding in something positive, such as ‘I really enjoyed talking with you,’ or ‘This has been fun. I love your shoes by the way.’

  15. Mirroring with words.

    Listen to the last words someone says, then repeat the words or the feeling contained in the words. So if someone says, ‘I’m so busy at the moment. I just don’t know how I’m going to get everything done.’ Try something like, ‘Feeling stretched hey?’ Similarly, if someone says, ‘My husband is away at the moment,’ Try, ‘Oh, your husband is away?’ This will show that you ‘get it’, and will invite further disclosure, strengthening the connection and the feeling that you’re someone pretty wonderful to be around.

  16. And anything else.

    Words only make up 7% of what we communicate so a hefty part of an interaction tied up in non-verbals. People are more likely to warm to people who are like themselves, so to build a connection, mirror any of tone of voice, volume, speed of speech, posture, facial expression, breathing, eye contact or gestures. You don’t have to mirror everything – coming across as genuine is important – but the more someone can sense your similarity to them, which will happen through mirroring, the greater the potential for connection. 

  17. Push through the small talk.

    You might have to wade through a bit of small talk but keep going, there will always be a point at which this is dwindles away and people share the things that are important. Everyone has something to say that is important and interesting. Eventually, you’ll be likely to find a common thread that will connect you – somewhere you’ve both been, someone you both know, something you’ve both experienced – there’ll be something.

    We’re all in this human thing together and encouraging this discovery by showing interest, asking questions, asking for more information could lead to something unexpected. Having someone’s full attention feels wonderful – there’s nothing quite like it. Humans are wired to connect and being attentive, available and interested is a supercharged way to do this.

  18. Find out what people love.

    People shine when they talk about what they love. Ask people what they enjoy, why they do what they do, the best thing about their weekend/ week/ holiday/ kids. If you can give people the opportunity to talk about something that makes them light up, that warm, happy feeling they have while they’re talking will be associated with you. 

  19. The slow smile has it.

    Research has shown that there is a way to smile – and slowly does it. People whose smiles take longer to emerge were rated as more attractive, trustworthy and less dominant than those whose smiles came on quickly. They were also judged to be more authentic. When you smile, make sure your eyes are involved. If your face smiles but your eyes get left behind, people will quickly know that you’re not really in it. 

  20. Get your happy on … like this.

    At the heart of charisma, right in there with warmth and confidence, is positive emotion. Research has found that activating your smiling muscles by holding a pen lengthways between your teeth will make you feel happier. Try this, and let the happiness, warmth and confidence flow. Changing your body will change the way you feel, which will change the way you’re seen.

Anyone can learn to increase their charisma. Like anything, it might feel awkward at first, but the capacity to be captivating is in all of us. Being magnetic has nothing to do with being the life of the party, having plenty of life experience to share or having plenty to say. It’s about how people feel around you, and when you learn to do it well, you’ll be unforgettable.

13 Comments

Kent

Thanks.

People say to be and express warmth…this article helps answer what that means.

Reply
sarah

Fantastic article! I’ve spent a great deal of time in the self help and personal improvement space, but very few people have so eloquently summed up the aspects that make a great human being. I think this article alone would make a great Ted Talk. Thanks so much for a great read!

Reply
Judith Gould

Loved it! I work with 14-19yr olds and this was just the refresher I needed going back to work!! I’m refocused and ready to go now!!

Reply
Michelle

I really loved this article. I found I have been implementing many of these strategies over the years and they have helped my social life immensely!! I’ve been trying to teach my daughter but it has been hard to verbalized. Now I just have to send her your article! Perfectly expressed. Thank you so much!

Reply
Sonja Pearson

Thank you for verbalizing and outlining a positive communication style. It is a great reference for those of us who struggle with authentic responses and are trying to create and maintain healthy relations.

Reply
DarEll

I really enjoyed this article. I was just talking to my daughter on this same subject. It was great timing and I also like the thoroughness of the article. Even a pro has tips for improvement. Good reminders, too. Thanks

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Behaviour is never from ‘bad’. It’s from ‘big’. Big hungry, big tired, big disconnection, big missing, big ‘too much right now’. The reason our responses might not work can often be because we’ve misread the story, or we’ve missed an important piece of it. Their story might be about now, today, yesterday, or any of the yesterdays before now. 

Our job isn’t to fix them. They aren’t broken. Our job is to understand them. Only then can we steer our response in the right direction. Otherwise we’re throwing darts at the wrong target - behaviour, instead of the need behind the behaviour. 

Watch, listen, breathe and be with. Feel what they feel. This will help them feel you with them. We all feel safer and calmer when we feel our people beside us - not judging or hurrying or questioning. What don’t you know, that they need you to know?♥️
We all have first up needs. The difference between adults and children is that we can delay the meeting of these needs for a bit longer than children - but we still need them met. 

The first most important question the brain needs answered is, ‘Is my body safe?’ - Am I free from threat, hunger, exhaustion, pain? This is usually an easier one to take care of or to recognise when it might need some attention. 

The next most important question is, ‘Is my heart safe?’ - Am I loved, noticed, valued, claimed, wanted, welcome? This can be an easy one to overlook, especially in the chaos of the morning. Of course we love them and want them - and sometimes we’ll get distracted, annoyed, frustrated, irritated. None of this changes how much we love and want them - not even for a second. We can feel two things at once - madly in love with them and annoyed/ distracted/ frustrated. Sometimes though, this can leave their ‘Is my heart safe?’ needs a little hungry. They have less capacity than us to delay the meeting of these needs. When these needs are hungry, we’ll be more likely to see big feelings or big behaviour. 

The more you can fill their love tanks at the start of the day, the more they’ll be able to handle the bumps. This doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be enough. It might look like having a cuddle, reading a story, having a chat, sitting with them while they have breakfast or while they pat the dog, touching their back when they walk past, telling them you love them.

All brains need to feel loved and wanted, and as though they aren’t a nuisance, but sometimes they’ll need to feel it more. The more their felt sense of relational safety is met, the more they’ll be able to then focus on ‘thinking brain’ things, such as planning, making good decisions, co-operating, behaving. 

(And if this today was a bumpy one, that’s okay. Those days are going to happen. If most of the time their love tanks are full, they’ll handle when it drops a little. Just top it up when you can. And don’t forget to top yours up too. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it as much as they do.)♥️
Things will always go wrong - a bad decision, a good decision with a bad outcome, a dilemma, wanting something that comes with risk. 

Often, the ‘right thing’ lives somewhere in the very blurry bounds of the grey. Sometimes it will be about what’s right for them. Sometimes what’s right for others. Sometimes it will be about taking a risk, and sometimes the ‘right’ thing just feels wrong right now, or wrong for them. Even as adults, we will often get things wrong. This isn’t because we’re bad, or because we don’t know the right thing from the wrong thing, but because few things are black and white. 

The problem with punishment and harsh consequences is that we remove ourselves as an option for them to turn to next time things end messy, or as a guide before the mess happens. 

Feeling safe in our important relationships is a primary need for all of us humans. That means making sure our relationships are free from judgement, humiliation, shame, separation. If our response to their ‘wrong things’ is to bring all of these things to the table we share with them with them, of course they’ll do anything to avoid it. This isn’t about lying or secrecy. It’s about maintaining relational ‘safety’, or closeness.

Kids want to do the right thing. They want us to love and accept them. But they’re going to get things wrong sometimes. When they do, our response will teach them either that we are safe for them to come to no matter what, or that we aren’t. 

So what do we do when things go wrong? Embrace them, reject the behaviour:

‘I love that you’ve been honest with me. That means everything to me. I know you didn’t expect things to end up like this, but here we are. Let’s talk about what’s happened and what can be different next time.’

Or, ‘Something must have made this (wrong thing) feel like the right thing to do, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it. We all do that sometimes. What do you think it was that was for you?’

Or, ‘I know you know lying isn’t okay. What made you feel like you couldn’t tell me the truth? How can we build the trust again. Let’s talk about how to do that.’

You will always be their greatest guide, but you can only be that if they let you.♥️
Whenever there is a call to courage, there will be anxiety - every time. That’s what makes it brave. This is why challenging things, brave things, important things will often drive anxiety. 

At these times - when they are safe, but doing something hard - the feelings that come with anxiety will be enough to drive avoidance. When it is avoidance of a threat, that’s important. That’s anxiety doing it’s job. But when the avoidance is in response to things that are important, brave, meaningful, that avoidance only serves to confirm the deficiency story. This is when we want to support them to take tiny steps towards that brave thing. It doesn’t have to happen all at once.l and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Brave is about being able to handle the discomfort of anxiety enough to do the important, challenging thing. It’s built in tiny steps, one after the other. 

We don’t have to get rid of their anxiety and neither do they. They can feel anxious, and do brave. At these times (safe, but scary) they need us to take a posture of validation and confidence. ‘I believe you, and I believe in you.’ ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can handle it.’ 

What we’re saying is we know they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. They don’t have to handle it well, and they don’t have to handle it for too long. Handling it is handling it, and that’s the substance of ‘brave’. 

Being brave isn’t about doing the brave thing, but about being able to handle the discomfort of the anxiety that comes with that. And if they’ve done that today, at all, or for a moment longer than yesterday, then they’ve been brave today. It doesn’t matter how messy it was or how small it was. Let them see their brave through your eyes.‘That was big for you wasn’t it. And you did it. You felt anxious, and you stayed with it. That’s what being brave is all about.’♥️
A relationally unsafe (emotionally unsafe) environment can cause as much breakage as as a physically unsafe one. 

The brain’s priority will always be safety, so if a person or environment doesn’t feel emotionally safe, we might see big behaviour, avoidance, or reduced learning. In this case, it isn’t the child that’s broken. It’s the environment.

But here’s the thing, just because a child doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t mean the person or environment isn’t safe. What it means is that there aren’t enough signals of safety - yet, and there’s a little more work to do to build this. ‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, it’s about what the brain perceives. Children might have the safest, warmest, most loving adult in front of them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel safe. This is when we have to look at how we might extend bigger cues of warmth, welcome, inclusiveness, and what we can do (or what roles or responsibilities can we give them) to help them feel valued and needed. This might take time, and that’s okay. Children aren’t meant to feel safe with every adult in front of them, so sometimes what they need most is our patience and understanding as we continue to build this. 

This is the way it works for all of us, everywhere. None of us will be able to give our best or do our best if we don’t feel welcome, liked, valued, and free from hostility, humiliation or judgement. 

This is especially important for our schools. A brain that doesn’t feel safe can’t learn. For schools to be places of learning, they first have to be places of relationship. Before we focus too sharply on learning support and behaviour management, we first have to focus on felt sense of safety support. The most powerful way to do this is through relationship. Teachers who do this are magic-makers. They show a phenomenal capacity to expand a child’s capacity to learn, calm big behaviour, and open up a child’s world. But relationships take time, and felt safety takes time. The time it takes for this to happen is all part of the process. It’s not a waste of time, it’s the most important use of it.♥️

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