Kids and Pornography – What Parents Need To Know and What To Do

Children and Pornography - What Parents Need To Know and What To Do

Exposure to pornography can happen to any child, whether they are looking for it or not. To think that ‘it won’t happen to my child’ leaves your child vulnerable to stumbling upon sexually explicit material that they may not be ready for.

This blog post isn’t about kids who deliberately seek sexually explicit material. That is a different issue. This post is about what parents can do to protect their child from unwanted sexual material ie where a child has stumbled upon it accidentally or was deliberately shown it by someone.

If your child has already been exposed to pornography, you need to know that it isn’t a reflection on your parenting or on your child. Today, it is actually harder for kids to avoid online pornography than it is to find it.

It is our responsibility as parents to protect our children to the best of our ability. For today’s child, this mean preparing our children for when (not if) they stumble across pornography.

But first, about this post.

This post is a long one (sorry) but it has been organised so that you can quickly find the parts that interest you. The information is something that all parents need to be aware of. As well as talking to your kids about other risks like drugs and unsafe sex, you also need to talk to them about online pornography. It is a confronting subject, but it is a subject that the modern day parent needs to be aware of, as the possibility of your child viewing pornography before becoming an adult, is extremely high.

Why is pornography such a problem?

Pornography is a problem for a number of reasons.

First, something that used to be difficult to access is now only one mouse click away. With kids today spending more time online than ever before, the risk of exposure to sexually explicit material is much greater.

Second, pornography has changed from the stuff that we would have seen when we were kids. Today the content that kids are accessing is far more graphic, violent, deviant and destructive than anything ever seen before. A child with unrestricted internet access can instantly access material that ranges from soft-core (the type of images found in Playboy) to hard-core (material depicting graphic sex acts, live sex show, orgies, bestiality, and violence).

Third, young children are not emotionally or mentally prepared to deal with sexually explicit material. Viewing highly sexualised or violent material has many risks for a child whose brain is still developing.

Fourth, it is natural for kids of all ages, to be as curious about sex, as they are about other things – like why is the sky blue. In our childhood, we looked for information about sex in an encyclopedia. For kids today, finding information about sex is much easier, as they can just go to the internet, and ‘google’ it. ‘Sex’ and ‘porn’ were the fourth and fifth most popular search terms used by children on the internet.

How many kids are looking at porn?

We don’t have exact figures on how many kids have viewed sexually explicit material, but we do know that the older your child, the more likely it is that they will see it.

Current figures suggest that somewhere between 14% (of 9 to 16 year olds) to 25% (of 8 to 17 year olds) have viewed online porn. Australian research suggests that by the time your child turns 18, that 62% of girls and 93% of boys will have seen online porn.

Is porn harmful?

Despite the fact that we know most children will see pornography before adulthood, we still don’t have enough evidence to say if pornography is harmful to children.

There is very little research to support that viewing sexually explicit material will cause a change in sexual attitudes, beliefs or behaviours or even harm child sexual development.

However, we do know that adolescents who have viewed sexually explicit material are at greater risk of developing:

  • Unrealistic attitudes about sex and relationships
  • Inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality
  • Preoccupation with sex
  • Sexually permissive attitudes
  • Positive attitudes about casual and recreational sex
  • Belief in traditional gender roles; including views of women as sex objects
  • Increased sexual behaviours, such as oral sex, group sex, anal sex, and using drugs and alcohol during sex (some researchers disagree with this)
  • Insecurities about body image in females
  • Insecurities about sexual performance in males
  • Sexual harassment (there is no link to sexual aggression for the majority of males)
  • Misbehaviour at school
  • Social maladjustment
  • Symptoms of depression
But what about in young children who have not yet reached puberty?

Again there is no evidence of long-term harm from exposure to sexually explicit material. Some research suggests that between 12% to 38% of children aged 9-16 years, are bothered or upset by finding sexual material online.

It has been suggested that problematic child sexual behaviour can be caused by viewing pornography but again, some researchers dispute this, saying that pornography is just an association with the behaviour and not the cause.

Despite the evidence, professional organisations are beginning to speak out against pornography and increasing public concern has pressured governments in the UK to implement internet control and in Australia to investigate possible measures.

So, is pornography harmful or not?

To date, research suggests that pornography isn’t harmful to children, but it is too soon to tell. The ethical restraints of research in children, means that it is difficult to measure the effect of pornography on children. There are still so many unanswered questions and we just don’t know enough to confidently say that it isn’t harmful.

Wait. But isn’t porn supposed to be addictive?

Despite a growing body of research that is looking into the impact of porn on the brain, we still don’t know if porn is addictive or not. There is some new research that suggests that viewing porn can create a high similar to what those with drug and alcohol problems may experience but the researchers say that it is too soon to say if this means that porn is addictive.

Some argue that porn is addictive because of the neurochemical release of dopamine that happens in the brain while viewing it. Dopamine is the switch for ‘wanting more’, so the assumption is made that when a child sees porn, that the child’s brain will begin to release large amounts of dopamine, turning on the switch for that child to then want to see more porn.

Either way, it is clear that pornography hurts some people, whether it is addictive or not.

If you want to understand more about addiction, Karen Young describes how to explain addiction to a teen.

How are kids finding it?

Kids are exposed to pornography either accidentally (where a child has stumbled upon it accidentally or was deliberately shown it by someone) or deliberately (by actively seeking sexually explicit material).

Younger children who have not yet reached puberty, are more likely to find pornography accidentally than to deliberately seek it. If they are seeking it, it is more likely to be due to a curiosity about sex than because they have already been exposed to sexually explicit material.

They are likely to find this material themselves through pop-ups, on video and photo sharing apps, on social networks, through instant messaging, in video games, in cartoons, clicking on innocent looking links, or misspelling a word. Or they may be shown it by a giggling friend.

Surprisingly, adolescents too are more likely to find pornography accidentally (28%) than to search for it deliberately (19%).

When to start talking.

When do we start talking? A lot sooner than most parents are comfortable with.

Research suggests that children as young as 10-11 years of age have viewed pornography, with some suggesting that it may be as young as 5 to 6 years of age.

Basically, as soon as your child is able to use a search engine, or is watching videos on YouTube, there is a good chance that they will stumble across porn. Which means that you need to start talking age-appropriately to kids from as young as five or six. (And yes, you can talk age appropriately to a five a year old without scarring them (or you) for life.)

Even if you are a technology free household or restrict your child’s access to the internet, your child is still at risk as they may still stumble across sexually explicit material outside the family home.

Kids and porn – know the signs.

There are a few warning signs that may signal that your child has been accessing sexually explicit material:

  • Find evidence of pornography in your browser history (older kids will be smarter and may delete any history).
  • Discover that the browser history has been cleared on the family computer.
  • You notice an increase in pop-ups, spam messages, viruses or other inappropriate content on the family computer.
  • Unexplained charges on your credit card, mobile, tv or internet service bill.
  • Your child lies about their computer use.
  • Your child is spending large amounts of time online, especially at night.
  • Your child locks the door when on the computer in their bedroom.
  • Your child quickly changes the monitor screen, hiding what they were looking at, when you enter the room.
  • An unusual curiosity about sexuality.
  • You overhear your child talking about sexually explicit material.
  • Your child talks about women and/or sex in a disrespectful, physical and highly sexualised way.
  • Your child starts displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour.
  • Your child appears depressed and withdraws from everyday family life.

My child has already seen porn. What now?

Sometimes we go to start our first conversation about pornography with our child, to discover that we are too late and that our child has already viewed it. For kids today, the reality is that it is harder to avoid pornography than to find it.

If your child has already stumbled across pornographic material, it is important to stay calm. Let them know that you aren’t angry with them, and reassure them that you are glad that they have told you, so that you can help them to make sense of what they saw.

Ask them how they came across it, what they saw, and how it made them feel. It is important to not embarrass or shame them during the conversation.

If they were shown it by a friend, let them explain what happened, talk about how it made them feel and how they can respond if it happens again.

If they went looking for it, let them explain why they went looking for the material, talk about how it made them feel and discuss better ways for them to find out about sexuality in the future.

If your child has been viewing pornography frequently, you may be wondering if you need to seek professional help. This is a difficult question to answer as it depends on the severity of the material that the child was viewing: were the images limited to just body parts or did it include graphic sexual acts, violence or animals? Has the child acted out in a way that is sexually inappropriate or acted out what they saw with another child?

If your child is clearly traumatised by the material viewed, regularly views pornography, or later ‘acts out’ sexually with against another child, then you will want to consider seeking the help of a health professional with expertise in the area of pornography. True Relationships & Reproductive Health have created an app, The Traffic Lights®, that can help with identifying and managing sexual behaviours in children and adolescents.

If your child is viewing pornographic material frequently, you may be wondering if your child has an addiction. Sometimes it can be hard to determine the difference between a habit of watching porn and an addiction where you try to stop but just can’t. Whichever it is, there are some things that you can do as a parent to help your child. And keep in the back of your mind, that sometimes viewing pornography is a sign that something else is going on. Sometimes kids become sexualised before they are ready, and seek our pornography because of this.

Children and Pornography – How to protect your child.

When we look at protecting kids from pornography, it depends on what you mean by protection.

Are you talking about preventing your child from deliberately looking for pornography? Or are you looking at protecting your child from accidentally stumbling upon pornography? Or are you looking at teaching your child about what to do when they do find it?

As you can see, it isn’t as simple as just installing some internet filters and leaving it at that. We need a range of strategies if we want to keep our kids safe from the harmful effects of pornography.

As a parent, we need to think of porn as we would think of any other risk that our kids face. Not all kids use drugs, drink alcohol and have an unwanted pregnancy. The reason that they don’t is usually because they have been empowered with knowledge and have made an informed decision.

Here are some suggestions on what you can do to empower your own child!

  • Warn your child.

You need to warn your child by telling them what pornography is and why it is bad.

Warn your child that they may find private pictures or movies of adults doing private things together, they may be naked and it may look like they are hurting each other. We call it porn or pornography. And it isn’t good for kids to see – it is a grown up thing.

Just remember that the younger the child, the less detail they require. As your child grows older , you can start to add in more details. Sometimes finding the right words to use is challenging, and age-appropriate scripts can come in handy.

Try reading your child a book like ‘Hayden-Reece learns what to do if children see pornography’ by Holly-ann Martin from Safe 4 Kids (due to be published in August 2016), ‘The Internet is Like a Puddle’ by Shona Innes, or ‘Good Pictures Bad Pictures’ by Kristen A. Jenson. For tweens, the book ‘The Secret Business of Relationships, Love and Sex’ by Heather Anderson, Fay Angelo and Rose Stewart, has a section towards the back that talks about porn.

Books can help when trying to start a difficult conversation. You can read the book, and then refer back to it later on.

  • Where images can be found.

Tell your child that they may accidentally find these images or videos on the computer, their tablets, cartoons, video games, YouTube, phones and even books or magazines.

  • What kids should do when they find images.

That if they stumble across these images, that they need to turn it off or turn away and to talk to a parent or trusted adult immediately. Reassure them that they won’t get into trouble.

  • Internet filters

You can delay exposure for younger children by using software filters or child-friendly apps (like YouTube Kids) or blocking popups. Just remember though, that you can’t use this as your only strategy, as your child may still stumble across images in other ways eg through friends and unfiltered computers.

This strategy isn’t as effective for older children and teens, as they usually work out how to get around parental controls in the home and will have internet access outside of the home. If you have a child who is regularly watching porn, you may want to consider filtering software as well as monitoring software on all internet-enabled devices (computer, tablets, phones, iPods etc).

  • Responsible online behaviour

Parents need to be very clear and upfront in regards to defining the family rules about online use.

>>  The computer should ideally be kept in the main living area, with the screen positioned so that it is easily visible.

>>  Devices should also be kept out of bedrooms.

>>  Limit and monitor your child’s time on the computer.

>>  Become more computer savvy – get your kids to show you how a new game or site works.

>>  No chatrooms – if used to only be public chatrooms and message boards on kid sites that you have approved.

>>  Establish clear online rules (here is an example of a family contract for online safety).

How to keep the conversation going.

Talking to your kids about pornography is a conversation that you need to keep having – a once off chat isn’t enough. Like most things, you can’t cover everything that your child needs to know in one conversation. They will either forget about it or may not fully understand what you have said.

There are a number of ways that you can keep the porn conversation going. Not all kids will ask you questions, so it is important to find ways to initiate conversations without it feeling like a lecture – most kids will stop listening if it turns into a lecture!

  • Repeat the conversation.

You can’t possibly cover everything that your child needs to know about pornography in one big talk (even if you think you have covered everything). It is about lots of small, frequent conversations over a long period of time. Remember it shouldn’t be a lecture or your child will instantly stop listening!

  • Keep it simple.

You need to use simple straightforward language when talking to kids about pornography. Clear language at a level that is age appropriate helps your child avoid misunderstanding and confusion.

  • Answer their questions.

If they are old enough to ask a question, they are old enough to know the answer. Be honest and if you don’t know the answer, tell them that you will get back to them with the answer (and make sure that you do).

Try asking your child what they think before you answer a question. This way you can regain your composure, discover what they already know and work out what exactly it is that they are wanting to know.

  • Watch out for teachable moments.

Start looking for everyday moments that you can turn into an opportunity to talk to your child about pornography. Once you start looking you can find many opportunities to talk in a way that feels more casual. For example:

>>  You may both be watching a show on TV, and you hear a reference to pornography in it.

>>  You are both driving somewhere and you pass a billboard with a scantily clad woman on it.

>>  You notice your child clicking out of websites when you walk past the computer.

>>  You hear a story from another parent about how big a problem sexting has become at your child’s school.

These are all opportunities that you can use to start a conversation about pornography.

  • Plan a conversation.

Sometimes, it can be easier to talk about a tough topic when you plan ahead for it. Work out what information or facts that you want to share and how you plan to start the conversation. Having the words can help you feel more confident, be clearer and quicker!

And finally…

The first conversation that you have with your child about pornography will be the hardest.

The hardest part is knowing what words to use. To make life much easier for Hey Sigmund readers, you can download my age appropriate scripts about pornography that will help you to start talking with your kids about sex.

And I will share one last tip that made my first talk to my kids about porn much easier – write the words (that you want to say) on a post-it note that you can refer to during the chat. It won’t feel as clumsy and you won’t have to stress about whether you are saying it right!

Best of luck, and hey… if you can talk to your kids about pornography, then I think that you can pretty much talk to them about anything!


About the Author: Cath Hakanson

Cath Hakanson is a mother, nurse, sex educator and founder of Sex Ed Rescue. Bringing her 20+ years clinical knowledge, a practical down-to-earth approach, and passion for helping families, Cath inspires parents to talk to their kids about sex so that kids can talk to their parents about anything! Sex Ed Rescue arms parents with the tools, advice and tips to make sex education a normal part of everyday life. 

Get your age appropriate scripts about pornography that will help you start talking to your kids about porn.

Find Cath on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn.

7 Comments

cath hakanson

Hi Lucille!

I love your comments!

There is a growing public voice that says that porn is good for a teaching tool – but that is in regards to adolescents who are very curious about sex and are watching porn to learn the mechanics. And we definitely need to be talking to adolescents about the positive aspects of porn!

For younger kids, they don’t have the brain development to process quite explicit images or the life skills to understand what it all means. Plus, they really don’t start to think about sex until puberty kicks in – which is when the sex hormones start to kick in, and they start to understand what sex is really all about!

Every child and family is different. I talk with my 10 year old daughter about the positive aspect of porn when it comes up in conversation, but we talk about a lot of stuff that isn’t deemed age-appropriate by the textbook. My daughter doesn’t fully process what I am saying though (which I can tell by her questions and comments).

But, as kids get older ie past puberty, we can start to talk about how porn arouses us, about the different ways that people use it, etc. We balance this out with discussions on what healthy sexuality is about, and the fact that masturbation to porn is fine but a real relationship with connection is much better.

Also, and I need to tread carefully here, but there is a lot of sensationalist journalism happening where news articles and public figures are claiming that porn is bad because of a few case studies. When you specialise in sexuality, you tend to see all the problems, therefore your perception of what is a problem can become skewed. When you look at the whole population, porn does not harm kids. Also, some of the sites that are dedicated to fighting porn only talk about the research that supports their cause and religion is often involved (sometimes you have to dig quite deep to find the religious connection as some sites like to hide it).

This article was written about kids finding porn accidentally, which is usually the pre-puberty kids. So I haven’t touched on the positive aspects to porn, as it is a different topic and is more for adolescents.

I hope that this response helps answer your questions, but i think that what you are doing is fantastic! You have some lucky kids!

Oh, and I hated the ’50 Shades of Grey’ book as well!

Reply
Lucille

Dear Cath,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Can tell you are passionate about healthy child development in the online age. We need lots of professionals like you!
All the best,

Lucille

Reply
Lucille

Thanks for the great article. I like the way you break it down and write helpfully. I have two curious children and we talk about everything openly, as it comes up–including sex and porn. By keeping an open non judgemental attitude towards their inquiries, they feel comfortable asking me questions, and I find that (age appropriate) information is key. I found your overall premise of ‘Porn is bad and negative’, interesting. While there is obviously ‘bad’ porn, with violence and demeaning imagery, there is also a whole field of porn, and soft porn, and erotica, which supports sexuality. Even if I disliked 50 Shades of Grey, millions loved it. (I explained to my children why I dislike that series, becuase they asked, instead of just saing, It’s garbage. I think, that porn and healthy sexuality is also a talk you can have with kids, as labelling all porn as bad can be confusing as well and close the door to discussion? I am interested in your thoughts.

Reply
Julie

Thank you for this great article. I hadn’t thought about discussing pornography yet with my 9 year old, but having read this I think I’d better get on to it! I have downloaded your script and now just need to find a teachable moment. I wouldn’t have know where to start otherwise, so thanks for the great resource.

Reply
Cath Hakanson

Hi Julie!
I am so glad that you found the article helpful, especially the scripts.

Once you start looking for teachable moments, you will find them everywhere. We now have a bright orange car, and I now see orange cars everywhere.

It is the same with teachable moments, once you become aware of their existence you start seeing opportunities that you never noticed before.

Best of luck with it!

Reply
Margaret

Thank you for the great article. It’s good support as my 11 yr old enters the world of social media. Do you have any suggestions that would allow him a way of researching his curiosities safely since we no longer have the good old encyclopedia set?

Reply
Cath Hakanson

Hi Margaret, and thanks for your question.

You could use a book as well – The Secret Business of relationships, love and sex – http://secretgb.com

Plus, there are a heap of websites that cater for the 11 and over age group where they provide factual and age appropriate information about sex.

As you know, if they type in anything about sex in a search engine and they will find porn, so if you can give them sites hat are reputable, hopefully they will go there for info.

And once they hit 11/12/13 you can start talking to them more openly (and adult like) about the downside of porn ie not real sex, depicts women in nasty way, sex is more than the physical it is an emotional connection, etc.

You will find further info here for tweens/teens (this blogpost would have been double the length if i had of included teens):

http://www.itstimewetalked.com.au/
https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/14_plus/
http://www.pleasurevsprofit.co.uk/
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/
http://www.bishuk.com
https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/onlinesafety/pages/online-porn.aspx
rosierespect.org.au

Some of these are for 14 and over – and there are a heap more than what I have listed here. The UK does some great stuff for teens!

The main thing is to just be open and to look for lots of teachable moments where you can keep on chatting away in the background – he will be listening even though he says he isn’t!

Good luck with it!

Reply

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Behaviour is never from ‘bad’. It’s from ‘big’. Big hungry, big tired, big disconnection, big missing, big ‘too much right now’. The reason our responses might not work can often be because we’ve misread the story, or we’ve missed an important piece of it. Their story might be about now, today, yesterday, or any of the yesterdays before now. 

Our job isn’t to fix them. They aren’t broken. Our job is to understand them. Only then can we steer our response in the right direction. Otherwise we’re throwing darts at the wrong target - behaviour, instead of the need behind the behaviour. 

Watch, listen, breathe and be with. Feel what they feel. This will help them feel you with them. We all feel safer and calmer when we feel our people beside us - not judging or hurrying or questioning. What don’t you know, that they need you to know?♥️
We all have first up needs. The difference between adults and children is that we can delay the meeting of these needs for a bit longer than children - but we still need them met. 

The first most important question the brain needs answered is, ‘Is my body safe?’ - Am I free from threat, hunger, exhaustion, pain? This is usually an easier one to take care of or to recognise when it might need some attention. 

The next most important question is, ‘Is my heart safe?’ - Am I loved, noticed, valued, claimed, wanted, welcome? This can be an easy one to overlook, especially in the chaos of the morning. Of course we love them and want them - and sometimes we’ll get distracted, annoyed, frustrated, irritated. None of this changes how much we love and want them - not even for a second. We can feel two things at once - madly in love with them and annoyed/ distracted/ frustrated. Sometimes though, this can leave their ‘Is my heart safe?’ needs a little hungry. They have less capacity than us to delay the meeting of these needs. When these needs are hungry, we’ll be more likely to see big feelings or big behaviour. 

The more you can fill their love tanks at the start of the day, the more they’ll be able to handle the bumps. This doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be enough. It might look like having a cuddle, reading a story, having a chat, sitting with them while they have breakfast or while they pat the dog, touching their back when they walk past, telling them you love them.

All brains need to feel loved and wanted, and as though they aren’t a nuisance, but sometimes they’ll need to feel it more. The more their felt sense of relational safety is met, the more they’ll be able to then focus on ‘thinking brain’ things, such as planning, making good decisions, co-operating, behaving. 

(And if this today was a bumpy one, that’s okay. Those days are going to happen. If most of the time their love tanks are full, they’ll handle when it drops a little. Just top it up when you can. And don’t forget to top yours up too. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it as much as they do.)♥️
Things will always go wrong - a bad decision, a good decision with a bad outcome, a dilemma, wanting something that comes with risk. 

Often, the ‘right thing’ lives somewhere in the very blurry bounds of the grey. Sometimes it will be about what’s right for them. Sometimes what’s right for others. Sometimes it will be about taking a risk, and sometimes the ‘right’ thing just feels wrong right now, or wrong for them. Even as adults, we will often get things wrong. This isn’t because we’re bad, or because we don’t know the right thing from the wrong thing, but because few things are black and white. 

The problem with punishment and harsh consequences is that we remove ourselves as an option for them to turn to next time things end messy, or as a guide before the mess happens. 

Feeling safe in our important relationships is a primary need for all of us humans. That means making sure our relationships are free from judgement, humiliation, shame, separation. If our response to their ‘wrong things’ is to bring all of these things to the table we share with them with them, of course they’ll do anything to avoid it. This isn’t about lying or secrecy. It’s about maintaining relational ‘safety’, or closeness.

Kids want to do the right thing. They want us to love and accept them. But they’re going to get things wrong sometimes. When they do, our response will teach them either that we are safe for them to come to no matter what, or that we aren’t. 

So what do we do when things go wrong? Embrace them, reject the behaviour:

‘I love that you’ve been honest with me. That means everything to me. I know you didn’t expect things to end up like this, but here we are. Let’s talk about what’s happened and what can be different next time.’

Or, ‘Something must have made this (wrong thing) feel like the right thing to do, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it. We all do that sometimes. What do you think it was that was for you?’

Or, ‘I know you know lying isn’t okay. What made you feel like you couldn’t tell me the truth? How can we build the trust again. Let’s talk about how to do that.’

You will always be their greatest guide, but you can only be that if they let you.♥️
Whenever there is a call to courage, there will be anxiety - every time. That’s what makes it brave. This is why challenging things, brave things, important things will often drive anxiety. 

At these times - when they are safe, but doing something hard - the feelings that come with anxiety will be enough to drive avoidance. When it is avoidance of a threat, that’s important. That’s anxiety doing it’s job. But when the avoidance is in response to things that are important, brave, meaningful, that avoidance only serves to confirm the deficiency story. This is when we want to support them to take tiny steps towards that brave thing. It doesn’t have to happen all at once.l and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Brave is about being able to handle the discomfort of anxiety enough to do the important, challenging thing. It’s built in tiny steps, one after the other. 

We don’t have to get rid of their anxiety and neither do they. They can feel anxious, and do brave. At these times (safe, but scary) they need us to take a posture of validation and confidence. ‘I believe you, and I believe in you.’ ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can handle it.’ 

What we’re saying is we know they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. They don’t have to handle it well, and they don’t have to handle it for too long. Handling it is handling it, and that’s the substance of ‘brave’. 

Being brave isn’t about doing the brave thing, but about being able to handle the discomfort of the anxiety that comes with that. And if they’ve done that today, at all, or for a moment longer than yesterday, then they’ve been brave today. It doesn’t matter how messy it was or how small it was. Let them see their brave through your eyes.‘That was big for you wasn’t it. And you did it. You felt anxious, and you stayed with it. That’s what being brave is all about.’♥️
A relationally unsafe (emotionally unsafe) environment can cause as much breakage as as a physically unsafe one. 

The brain’s priority will always be safety, so if a person or environment doesn’t feel emotionally safe, we might see big behaviour, avoidance, or reduced learning. In this case, it isn’t the child that’s broken. It’s the environment.

But here’s the thing, just because a child doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t mean the person or environment isn’t safe. What it means is that there aren’t enough signals of safety - yet, and there’s a little more work to do to build this. ‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, it’s about what the brain perceives. Children might have the safest, warmest, most loving adult in front of them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel safe. This is when we have to look at how we might extend bigger cues of warmth, welcome, inclusiveness, and what we can do (or what roles or responsibilities can we give them) to help them feel valued and needed. This might take time, and that’s okay. Children aren’t meant to feel safe with every adult in front of them, so sometimes what they need most is our patience and understanding as we continue to build this. 

This is the way it works for all of us, everywhere. None of us will be able to give our best or do our best if we don’t feel welcome, liked, valued, and free from hostility, humiliation or judgement. 

This is especially important for our schools. A brain that doesn’t feel safe can’t learn. For schools to be places of learning, they first have to be places of relationship. Before we focus too sharply on learning support and behaviour management, we first have to focus on felt sense of safety support. The most powerful way to do this is through relationship. Teachers who do this are magic-makers. They show a phenomenal capacity to expand a child’s capacity to learn, calm big behaviour, and open up a child’s world. But relationships take time, and felt safety takes time. The time it takes for this to happen is all part of the process. It’s not a waste of time, it’s the most important use of it.♥️

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