What Makes People Vulnerable to Cyberbullying – And What Stops Bystanders From Stepping In

What Makes People Vulnerable to Cyberbulling - And What Stops Bystanders From Stepping In

Cyberbullies are a special breed of ugly. They wound, they torment, they maim and in the worst cases, if their poison is potent enough, they will scar. Though the direct hits are lobbed by the bullies themselves, bystanders also add to the anguish for those who are targeted.

In a perfect world, we shouldn’t have to act as though we were taking to the battlefield every time we take to a screen. The reality is that we don’t live in a perfect world and unless we humans have found a way to step out of our very human flaws, it is unlikely to be perfect any time soon. In the meantime, we are vulnerable to those with jagged edges and barbed tongues, as they set about to meet their needs in cowardly and cruel ways. 

Interesting new research has found something that can increase our vulnerability to an online attack. The vulnerability works in two ways – directly, by making us a more attractive plaything for an online bully, but also indirectly by squashing the potential for bystander support.

Bystanders are often good people – empathic, kind, compassionate – but they are less likely to intervene in situations of online bullying compared to face to face bullying.  What is it about a computer screen that has the power to protect a cyberbully from onlookers? 

The research. What they Did.

The researchers were interested in whether the personal nature of a post would hold people back from showing support to someone who had been targeted by a cyber-bullying. They were also interested in whether it made a difference that the post was positive or negative.

For the purposes of the study, researchers from UCLA created a fake Facebook profile of an 18 year old woman, ‘Kate’. On her profile they published a comment from her equally fictitious Facebook friend, ‘Sarah’, that read, ‘Who cares! This is why nobody likes you.’ They organised for the comment to receive six (fake) likes.

118 participants aged 18-22 were then organised into 4 random groups. Each group saw one of four Facebook posts from Kate, with Sarah’s stingy response printed below the post. The four posts varied in the level of personal disclosure and whether or not it was a positive or a negative post.

Two groups saw personal posts from the fictitious Kate:

  • ‘I hate it when you miss someone like crazy and you think they might not miss you back :(.’ (Negative).
  • ‘I love it when you like someone like crazy and you think they might like you back :).’ (Positive).

The other two groups saw her less personal posts:

  • ‘I hate it when a Game of Thrones episode ends and you have to wait a whole week to watch more :(.’ (Negative)          
  • ‘I love it when a Game of Thrones episode ends and you can’t wait until next week to watch more :).’ (Positive).

Researchers then explored whether the participants whether they felt blame or empathy towards Kate and how likely they would be to stand in and support against her cyberbullies.

What they found.

Most of the participants believed that Sarah’s comment was cyberbullying, but their level of empathy, support and blame towards Kate varied depending on which post they saw. Those who saw the more personal posts were not as likely to support Kate in the face of the cyberbullying. Regardless of whether her post was positive or negative, participants felt less compassion towards Kate when her post was a highly personal disclosure.

We found that when the Facebook post is a more personal expression of the victim’s feelings, participants showed lower levels of empathy and felt Kate was more to blame for being cyberbullied.’ Hannah Schacter, lead author.

The research revealed that the personal nature of the post was a key factor, influencing whether online bystanders would stand back or show active support for the victim by posting a supportive message or publicly disagreeing with the bully’s comment.

The likelihood that bystanders would step in a support Kate was influenced by whether or not her post was a personal one. Posts that were more personal in nature seem to stoke more victim blaming and less empathy in bystanders. In these circumstances, bystanders were less likely to show support for a victim of cyberbullying, either by posting a supportive message or by publicly disagreeing with the bully’s comment. 

What it means for our time on social media.

The world of social media can be a minefield, with so many of the rules about what is okay and what isn’t being unwritten ones. Sometimes even in the midst of fallout, it isn’t at all clear which ‘rule’ has been broken, or indeed why it is considered a reasonable rule in the first place. Oversharing seems to be one of these hidden rules, making make people more vulnerable to an attack from a cyberbully, but without the support of bystanders to soften the whole ugly experience. 

Our study suggests oversharing of personal information leads bystanders to blame and not feel for the victim. – Hannah Schacter 

It seems that in the current landscape of social media, there is a subtle acceptance that when victims overshare, they are somehow inviting an attack from someone who might seek to hurt others. The researchers suggest that more empathy is needed, but they also note that bystanders are often unable to see the pain caused to people from an online bully, so are less likely to be moved into action.

Other startling findings on bullying.

Previous studies by the senior author of the study Janna Juvonen, a UCLA professor of psychology have revealed that:

  • Most bullies have ‘ridiculously high’ levels of self-esteem and are considered considered to be the ‘cool’ kids at school

    Students at 11 schools were asked to name the ‘coolest’ kids, the kids who ‘start fights or push other kids around’ and the ones who ‘spread nasty rumours about other kids’. The kids who were named as bullies were also named more often as the cool kids. In her research, the ‘bully-cool kid’ connection wasn’t evident until the first year of middle school. Juvonen suggests that the turbulence stirred by the transition from elementary school into middle school causes unrest, which triggers a primal seeking of more dominant behaviour. 

     
  • Bullying of kids and teens is common – and vastly unreported.

    Nearly 3 out of 4 teens experienced some form of cyberbullying at least once during a 12 months period and only 1 in 10 of them reported the bullying to a parent or other adult. Nearly half of the sixth graders at two schools in the Los Angeles area reported that they were bullied by classmates during a 5-day period.

Raising a child who doesn’t bully.

  • Children are more likely to bully other kids if their parents frequently feel angry with them or often feel as though their child is bothering them. This makes sense. Children will learn what they see, and will respond to others the way the important people in their lives respond to them.
  • Parents who regularly share ideas and chat with their kids and who have met most or all of their child’s friends are less likely to have kids who become bullies. This sort of involvement offers some protection to kids against becoming a bully. 
  • Be careful not to overpraise. Love them, praise them and build them up, but let the praise be meaningful and earned – and not excessive. Let them know that they are special, and that everyone else is too. 

[irp posts=”1247″ name=”Kind Kids are Cool Kids. Making sure your child isn’t the bully.”]

And finally …

Until empathy becomes embedded in our DNA and is as much a part of the human experience as breathing and sleeping, there will always be those who seek to hurt others. For those who are targeted by bullies, the experience can be a deeply painful one that comes with unimaginable shame, humiliation and feelings of loneliness and grief.

We can’t stop the bullies – it is their growth and sadly, none of us can do it for them. What we can do is step in when we can and widen the buffer around their victims, sending a clear message that the bully stands small and alone, while the victim stands strong and with many. 

One Comment

Adelesims

These comments brought up old memories of what was done to me of my school years.maybe that’s why I drew the same type people in my adult years?

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Big feelings, and the big behaviour that comes from big feelings, are a sign of a distressed nervous system. Think of this like a burning building. The behaviour is the smoke. The fire is a distressed nervous system. It’s so tempting to respond directly to the behaviour (the smoke), but by doing this, we ignore the fire. Their behaviour and feelings in that moment are a call for support - for us to help that distressed brain and body find the way home. 

The most powerful language for any nervous system is another nervous system. They will catch our distress (as we will catch theirs) but they will also catch our calm. It can be tempting to move them to independence on this too quickly, but it just doesn’t work this way. Children can only learn to self-regulate with lots (and lots and lots) of experience co-regulating. 

This isn’t something that can be taught. It’s something that has to be experienced over and over. It’s like so many things - driving a car, playing the piano - we can talk all we want about ‘how’ but it’s not until we ‘do’ over and over that we get better at it. 

Self-regulation works the same way. It’s not until children have repeated experiences with an adult bringing them back to calm, that they develop the neural pathways to come back to calm on their own. 

An important part of this is making sure we are guiding that nervous system with tender, gentle hands and a steady heart. This is where our own self-regulation becomes important. Our nervous systems speak to each other every moment of every day. When our children or teens are distressed, we will start to feel that distress. It becomes a loop. We feel what they feel, they feel what we feel. Our own capacity to self-regulate is the circuit breaker. 

This can be so tough, but it can happen in microbreaks. A few strong steady breaths can calm our own nervous system, which we can then use to calm theirs. Breathe, and be with. It’s that simple, but so tough to do some days. When they come back to calm, then have those transformational chats - What happened? What can make it easier next time?

Who you are in the moment will always be more important than what you do.
How we are with them, when they are their everyday selves and when they aren’t so adorable, will build their view of three things: the world, its people, and themselves. This will then inform how they respond to the world and how they build their very important space in it. 

Will it be a loving, warm, open-hearted space with lots of doors for them to throw open to the people and experiences that are right for them? Or will it be a space with solid, too high walls that close out too many of the people and experiences that would nourish them.

They will learn from what we do with them and to them, for better or worse. We don’t teach them that the world is safe for them to reach into - we show them. We don’t teach them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate. We show them. We don’t teach them that they matter, and that other people matter, and that their voices and their opinions matter. We show them. We don’t teach them that they are little joy mongers who light up the world. We show them. 

But we have to be radically kind with ourselves too. None of this is about perfection. Parenting is hard, and days will be hard, and on too many of those days we’ll be hard too. That’s okay. We’ll say things we shouldn’t say and do things we shouldn’t do. We’re human too. Let’s not put pressure on our kiddos to be perfect by pretending that we are. As long as we repair the ruptures as soon as we can, and bathe them in love and the warmth of us as much as we can, they will be okay.

This also isn’t about not having boundaries. We need to be the guardians of their world and show them where the edges are. But in the guarding of those boundaries we can be strong and loving, strong and gentle. We can love them, and redirect their behaviour.

It’s when we own our stuff(ups) and when we let them see us fall and rise with strength, integrity, and compassion, and when we hold them gently through the mess of it all, that they learn about humility, and vulnerability, and the importance of holding bruised hearts with tender hands. It’s not about perfection, it’s about consistency, and honesty, and the way we respond to them the most.♥️

#parenting #mindfulparenting
Anxiety and courage always exist together. It can be no other way. Anxiety is a call to courage. It means you're about to do something brave, so when there is one the other will be there too. Their courage might feel so small and be whisper quiet, but it will always be there and always ready to show up when they need it to.
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But courage doesn’t always feel like courage, and it won't always show itself as a readiness. Instead, it might show as a rising - from fear, from uncertainty, from anger. None of these mean an absence of courage. They are the making of space, and the opportunity for courage to rise.
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When the noise from anxiety is loud and obtuse, we’ll have to gently add our voices to usher their courage into the light. We can do this speaking of it and to it, and by shifting the focus from their anxiety to their brave. The one we focus on is ultimately what will become powerful. It will be the one we energise. Anxiety will already have their focus, so we’ll need to make sure their courage has ours.
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But we have to speak to their fear as well, in a way that makes space for it to be held and soothed, with strength. Their fear has an important job to do - to recruit the support of someone who can help them feel safe. Only when their fear has been heard will it rest and make way for their brave.
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What does this look like? Tell them their stories of brave, but acknowledge the fear that made it tough. Stories help them process their emotional experiences in a safe way. It brings word to the feelings and helps those big feelings make sense and find containment. ‘You were really worried about that exam weren’t you. You couldn’t get to sleep the night before. It was tough going to school but you got up, you got dressed, you ... and you did it. Then you ...’
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In the moment, speak to their brave by first acknowledging their need to flee (or fight), then tell them what you know to be true - ‘This feels scary for you doesn’t it. I know you want to run. It makes so much sense that you would want to do that. I also know you can do hard things. My darling, I know it with everything in me.’
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#positiveparenting #parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinchildren #mindfulpare
Separation anxiety has an important job to do - it’s designed to keep children safe by driving them to stay close to their important adults. Gosh it can feel brutal sometimes though.

Whenever there is separation from an attachment person there will be anxiety unless there are two things: attachment with another trusted, loving adult; and a felt sense of you holding on, even when you aren't beside them. Putting these in place will help soften anxiety.

As long as children are are in the loving care of a trusted adult, there's no need to avoid separation. We'll need to remind ourselves of this so we can hold on to ourselves when our own anxiety is rising in response to theirs. 

If separation is the problem, connection has to be the solution. The connection can be with any loving adult, but it's more than an adult being present. It needs an adult who, through their strong, warm, loving presence, shows the child their abundant intention to care for that child, and their joy in doing so. This can be helped along by showing that you trust the adult to love that child big in our absence. 'I know [important adult] loves you and is going to take such good care of you.'

To help your young one feel held on to by you, even in absence, let them know you'll be thinking of them and can't wait to see them. Bolster this by giving them something of yours to hold while you're gone - a scarf, a note - anything that will be felt as 'you'.

They know you are the one who makes sure their world is safe, so they’ll be looking to you for signs of safety: 'Do you think we'll be okay if we aren't together?' First, validate: 'You really want to stay with me, don't you. I wish I could stay with you too! It's hard being away from your special people isn't it.' Then, be their brave. Let it be big enough to wrap around them so they can rest in the safety and strength of it: 'I know you can do this, love. We can do hard things can't we.'

Part of growing up brave is learning that the presence of anxiety doesn't always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means they are on the edge of brave - and being away from you for a while counts as brave.
Even the most loving, emotionally available adult might feel frustration, anger, helplessness or distress in response to a child’s big feelings. This is how it’s meant to work. 

Their distress (fight/flight) will raise distress in us. The purpose is to move us to protect or support or them, but of course it doesn’t always work this way. When their big feelings recruit ours it can drive us more to fight (anger, blame), or to flee (avoid, ignore, separate them from us) which can steal our capacity to support them. It will happen to all of us from time to time. 

Kids and teens can’t learn to manage big feelings on their own until they’ve done it plenty of times with a calm, loving adult. This is where co-regulation comes in. It helps build the vital neural pathways between big feelings and calm. They can’t build those pathways on their own. 

It’s like driving a car. We can tell them how to drive as much as we like, but ‘talking about’ won’t mean they’re ready to hit the road by themselves. Instead we sit with them in the front seat for hours, driving ‘with’ until they can do it on their own. Feelings are the same. We feel ‘with’, over and over, until they can do it on their own. 

What can help is pausing for a moment to see the behaviour for what it is - a call for support. It’s NOT bad behaviour or bad parenting. It’s not that.

Our own feelings can give us a clue to what our children are feeling. It’s a normal, healthy, adaptive way for them to share an emotional load they weren’t meant to carry on their own. Self-regulation makes space for us to hold those feelings with them until those big feelings ease. 

Self-regulation can happen in micro moments. First, see the feelings or behaviour for what it is - a call for support. Then breathe. This will calm your nervous system, so you can calm theirs. In the same way we will catch their distress, they will also catch ours - but they can also catch our calm. Breathe, validate, and be ‘with’. And you don’t need to do more than that.

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