Embracing your Chaos and Mess

Embracing your Chaos and Mess

A messy life is a full life. If your kitchen is in a mess, that means you live out of it – and that means good fuel for your growing family. You don’t order fake out (yes that’s right, my phone autocorrected ‘take’ out to ‘fake’ out – even iPhone knows!) each night, and you sometimes even grill vegetables and pan fry chicken. It makes a mess. That mess is a byproduct of healthy bodies. You feed your family well. And the science behind that is clearly beneficial. Go you.

Maybe your mess is more internal. It has more to do with that ‘not good enough’ disorganized feeling you have when you see other moms or dads ‘do it all’. You wonder how on earth superwoman over there is so ridiculously super human.

Sometimes, you even find yourself going to bed with a disappointing feeling that something is missing. Thoughts creep in like, ‘I/m not enough for my child even though I am a stay at home mom. I feel so helpless and inadequate.’ You are not alone. So many of us out there have the same thoughts. Here are three ways to tackle those not-good-enough feelings that don’t deserve the time you give them:

1.  Choose to be grateful for the reason behind your chaos and mess.

When you invest all your time and energy into being present with your family, sometimes (read: many of the times) it can be a challenge to do the behind the scenes work. No one on the outside is punishing you for that – only you are punishing you. Choose gratitude for a house littered with toys, because the children have toys to play with at all. Choose gratitude for a long list of chores and admin that you have, because without your sweet family, that list would be so much shorter – although life would be simpler, it would be a lot more dull too. Choose gratitude for your partner – the same one who might nag you, forget things promised to you, and who might not always communicate that well with you. There is something about your partner that is a silver lining because without them, you would struggle even more. Maybe the trash gets taken out without you asking, or the bills get paid on time. Maybe it’s just that they provide an income for the family. Or maybe there’s a bunch of things that get done without you even realizing it. Whatever it is, choosing to be grateful for 3 things a day in your crazy beautiful life, will help you find your silver lining and stop your inner voice from telling you you’re no good.

2.  Do one thing at a time.

Slow down. Breathe. Gain perspective. Leave your phone in the other room when you are with your kids. Schedule your time in your calendar and really be present when you are needed. Be a listener when your family need you to listen. Be a real and genuine parent when you have parent teacher evenings – no one is perfect. And be a encourager when your partner has had a rough day. How do you do all this? By doing one thing at a time. Dr Caroline Leaf, a well known cognitive neuroscientist explains it like this, “…the truth is that it is actually impossible to multitask – we don’t do multiple things at once; we actually shift between different tasks quickly. If we do this well then we are doing busy well. But, if we are doing busy badly, we are doing what I call milkshake multitaskingWe cause literal neurochemical chaos in our brain, which, in turn, causes literal brain damage.”

3.  Create a to do list and a completed list.

This will help you to see what you have accomplished in your day. I have days when all that is on my completed list is doing the laundry. Before I had a to do list and a completed list, I used to feel inadequate and helpless. Now I give myself a high five on those days when all I accomplish is one thing! Maybe for you it’s just getting out of bed. Put that one thing on your ‘completed’ list and watch it grow along with your confidence. No more guilt trips from your inner voice. No more bad feelings.

All of us have those feelings of inadequacy from time to time. Don’t let them creep in unnoticed! Don’t let them grow by giving them energy and focusing on them. Try these three ways to gain confidence and confidently take charge of your family life again. The best part is knowing that your children are watching too, and they too will learn how to gain confidence and take charge just by watching you. 


About the Author: Carla Buck

Carla Buck, M.A., is a writer, therapist and global traveler having traveled to more than 80 countries worldwide. She has experience working with children and parents all over the world, having lived, worked and volunteered in Africa, North America, Europe and the Middle East. Carla is the creator of Warrior Brain, helping empower parents and care-givers with simple and practical ways to confidently raise secure and calm children.

You can visit her website and learn more at www.warriorbrain.com or join the Warrior Brain Parenting community on Facebook.

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Adolescence is all about the transition from childhood to adulthood. It can be a confusing time for everyone - not just for our teens but also for the adults who love them. 

Too often, the line between childhood and adulthood can be a blurry one. The expectations of adulthood can come charging at them, but without the freedoms, confidence, or capabilities that adulthood brings. They can feel with such depth and intensity, but without the adult wisdom or experience to make sense of those feelings. 

They’ll be okay, but it might feel wobbly for a while. In the meantime they will look to us for signs of safety and certainty. This doesn’t mean certainty that everything will always be okay - it won’t be - but certainty that they’ll get through, certainty that they are extraordinary, and needed, and that their will be a space and a place in the world that only they can fill.

We might not always feel that certainty. Some days we might ache, and wish we could make their world feel softer for a while. In those times, it will be less about what you do and more about who you are - being the one who can be with them without needing them to be different, the one who can handle any of their hurts or heartaches with gentle, certain hands, the one who can block out the world for a while by letting them rest in our care without needing them to be, or do, or give anything back in return.♥️
For our children, we start building the foundations for adolescence in their earliest years - the relationship we’ll have with them, who they are going to be, how they are going to be. One of the things we’ll want to build is their capacity to know their own minds and be brave enough to use it. This isn’t easy, even for adults, so the more practice we give them, the more they’ll be able to access their strong, brave, beautiful minds when they need to - when we aren’t there.

This means letting them have a say when we can, asking their opinions, and letting them disagree.

When kids and teens argue, they’re communicating. We need to listen, but the need won’t always be obvious. When littles argue because it’s spaghetti for dinner and ‘I hate spaghetti so much’ (even though last week and the 5 years before last week, spaghetti was their favourite), they might be expressing a need for sleep, power and influence, or independence. All are valid. When your teen argues because they want to do something you’ve said no to, the need might be to preserve their felt sense of inclusion with their tribe, or independence from you. Again, all valid. 

Of course, a valid need doesn’t mean it will always be met. Sometimes our needs might need to take priority to theirs, such as our need to keep them safe, or for them to learn that they can still be okay if everything doesn’t go their way, or that sometimes people will have conflicting needs that need to take priority. What’s important is letting them know we hear them and we get it.

It’s going to take time for kids to learn how to argue and express themselves respectfully. In the meantime, the words might be clumsy, loud, angry. This is when we need to hold on to ourselves, meet them where they are, let them know we hear them, and step into our leadership presence. We might give them what they need because it makes sense and because there isn’t enough reason not to. Sometimes, after giving them space to be heard we’ll need to stand our ground. Other times we might solve the problem collaboratively: This is what you want. This is what I want. Let’s talk about how we can we both get what we need.♥️
Anxiety will always tilt our focus to the risks, often at the expense of the very real rewards. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. 

This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. Wholehearted living means actively shifting our awareness to what we have to gain by taking a safe risk. 

Sometimes staying safe will be the exactly right thing to do, but sometimes we need to fight for that important or meaningful thing by hushing the noise of anxiety and moving bravely forward. 

When children or teens are on the edge of brave, but anxiety is pushing them back, ask, ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ ♥️

#parenting #parent #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #positiveparenting #heywarrior #heyawesome
Except I don’t do hungry me or tired me or intolerant me, as, you know … intolerably. Most of the time. Sometimes.
Growth doesn’t always announce itself in ways that feel safe or invited. Often, it can leave us exhausted and confused and with dirt in our pores from the fury of the battle. It is this way for all of us, our children too. 

The truth of it all is that we are all born with a profound and immense capacity to rise through challenges, changes and heartache. There is something else we are born with too, and it is the capacity to add softness, strength, and safety for each other when the movement towards growth feels too big. Not always by finding the answer, but by being it - just by being - safe, warm, vulnerable, real. As it turns out, sometimes, this is the richest source of growth for all of us.

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