Family Triggers: 3 Mindful Techniques To Help You Respond With Skill and Wisdom Instead of Reacting Impulsively

Family Triggers - 3 Mindful Techniques To Help You Respond With Skill and Wisdom Instead of Reacting Impulsively

Think back to a family birthday, a reunion, or a Christmas holiday. A time when many of us head home (or host family) to eat an animal for dinner, drink some booze, and hang out with the family members we pretty much intentionally don’t see the rest of the year. What could possibly go wrong?

I’m fortunate in that none of my family members are awful, and all are fairly easy to get along with, even fun. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes get triggered. It seems as though in these modern times, a lot of us are well defended and operate via our well-established defence mechanisms and storylines that impact how we relate to others, especially family. Underlying this is an ‘I versus you” mentality, as opposed to a ‘we’ perspective. Couple that with the modern political and global state of affairs up for discussion at the dinner table, how can we not get triggered?

A trigger is a reaction that is more instinctive and immediate, lacking our typical skill or thought, that has ties to our conditioning of the past. For me, this is most likely to happen when I interpret a comment as being condescending. Oh, how that bugs me, whether it’s a family member during the holidays, or someone in my day to day life. Feeling as though someone is looking down on you, or belittling you in some way is so annoying! Of course, this is tied to me feeling small and insecure when I was young, and now it’s a real insult, and my reactions aren’t pretty, I’m sure.

Even if the intentions beneath our mother-in-law’s commentary are benign, it might still be interpreted as condescending, perhaps because we are hyper-sensitive to these comments, based on past interactions. At the point our conditioning takes over, our amygdala amps up, which is the little almond in our brain that detects danger and tells our fight or flight reactions to kick in. Our amygdala comes in very handy at times, however, it’s not the best at determining when danger is real or not. It’s like the fire alarm in your apartment. If it detects smoke, it goes off. However, that smoke might be from burnt toast – not a real fire.

So, let’s use three mindful approaches with roots in Buddhist psychology to look at how we might approach challenging familial interactions. These are (1) having fixed views; (2) bearing witness, and (3) taking compassionate action.

  1.  Having a fixed view.

    Having a fixed view, or ‘knowing’ what’s right often gets us into trouble by limiting our response flexibility. Why are we so attached to being right? Why do we always insist on knowing? This is our habit. When we ‘know’ and the person we’re engaged with also ‘knows’, suddenly both parties are limited in how they can respond. More often than not, the result of everyone knowing is digging in our heels and reinforcing the ‘you versus me,’ or this sense of separateness that only serves to disconnect.

    We’ve all had the experience of taking a stand and defending it, and how rigid and tense that feels. Compare that to when it feels ok to be wrong, and the lightness one feels when being certain isn’t necessary, i.e. taking a playful approach. Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind is an infamous literary piece exploring the benefits and wonder of intentionally seeing things with fresh eyes. Entering into a room or a conversation with a ‘not knowing’ outlook can lend itself to a lightness of energy that influences the dynamic. I think to be wise is to realize you pretty much don’t have anything figured out.

  2. Bearing witness.

    Bearing witness is just what it sounds like. Witnessing whatever is unfolding before us. Instead of getting lost in our storylines of judgement, fantasy, resentment, etc.. We practice allowing the feeling to exist, without needing it to be other than it is, because we understand the impermanence of it. We are learning that this is our fixed view taking shape. We practice not making our problems such a big deal. It’s taking on the beginner’s mind, not knowing what’s good or what’s bad. This is really taking the study of our mind’s conditioning to another level. We practice noticing the tendency to judge and have expectations, being present, not adding a story,

    Bill Ball, of the Durango (Colorado) Dharma Center, recently quoted Bernie Glassman’s experience after his loving wife passed away unexpectedly. Someone asked Bernie if it hurt, and Bernie replied ‘I’m raw.’ Do you feel sad, they asked? Bernie’s reply: ‘I shake my head. Raw doesn’t feel good or bad. Raw is the smell of lilacs by the back door, not six feet away from her relics on the mantel. Raw is listening to Mahler’s Fourth Symphony or the songs of Sweet Honey in the Rock. Raw is reading the hundreds of letters that come in, watching television alone at night. Raw is letting whatever happens happen, what arises, arise. Feelings, too: grief, pain, loss, a desire to disappear, even the desire to die. One feeling follows another, one sensation after the next. I just listen deeply, bear witness. An indication that you’re acting from old stories is when ‘I, me, and mine’ are ever present. This is different from bearing witness, which is something like ‘right now, it’s like this.’

  3. Taking compassionate action.

    Lastly, we can take an action that is wise, compassionate, and skilful. We can choose how to respond in a difficult moment, in a challenging situation. Choosing a thoughtful response that has its roots in not knowing and bearing witness looks much different from an instinctive reaction based on our old stories. This is taking care of how we relate to our self and others. This is acting from heartfulness, choosing the response with roots in compassion for yourself and the one next to you, knowing that causing the least amount of harm is the right choice.

When we do get irritable with family, I love Waylon Lewis’ affection for the eye roll. Your Grandma says the same thing you’ve heard over and over and over, but instead of reacting with frustration, you perfect the eye-roll. That physical act of eye-rolling does something to our nervous system that inclines us to stay light and playful. You have created space that allows for dissenting ideas and opinions without penetrating that equanimous place within you that you stay connected to that reservoir that you can dip into in order to maintain your inner peace.

All of this takes practice, and courage. It takes courage to be with anxiety and to be with not knowing. It takes courage to bear witness to difficult feelings, without acting on them. It’s not easy to acknowledge that we mostly operate out of past conditioning, clinging to certain outcomes, having all sorts of expectations that don’t serve anyone.

If we can practice being courageous with the present moment-witnessing our frustration and joy, our pleasure and pain, our moments can take on a sense of richness and vitality. We are really with our family at Christmas or a birthday, without needing them to be anyone other than who they really are. Isn’t this what family is all about?


About the Author: Robert Oleskevich

Robert currently describes himself as a travelling therapist. He grew up in Colorado, but for the past 20 years, has been living in Los Angeles, near the beach. He loves being next to the ocean in Santa Monica, and values his soccer, yoga, and meditation communities. However, he has come to realize that sometimes getting the hell outta LA is essential. So, he decided to quit working for the man, and begin the work of being his own boss. His goal is to be of benefit to the world, give something back, while navigating all the world has to offer.

Since 2014, when he decided not to return to his job as a school therapist, he has spent around 11 months in Asia. Mostly Vietnam, where he rode his motorbike the length of the country from Saigon to Hanoi. He was also lucky enough to check out Thailand, South Korea, India, Taiwan, Japan, and the Philippines. At this point, he’s been to over 30 countries.

He continues to provide mental health therapy to clients online and in-person. If you or someone you know might benefit from therapy, you can learn more about him and his services at https://www.herosjourneytherapy.com/ or on facebook.

18 Comments

Rob Oleskevich

Just a note from the author: I think I meant something more along the lines of an internal eyeroll… I totally agree that an actual eyeroll is probably not very useful or helpful. The internal eyeroll would be just a little self-reminder to respond to this moment in ways that are in alignment with your values and intentions.. and maybe not take it as seriously as you used to… respond instead of react etc.

Lastly, my updated web address (and additional blog articles that I hope you might find interesting) is:

https://www.herosjourneytherapy.com/

and wow, 2.7k views of this article. So cool!

Reply
24 shots

Their have mentioned family triggers and how it works, We all get triggered so it’s good to have ideas about diffusing the situation as we know after reading this article Eye-rolling is not a helpful technique for triggers.

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julina

eye roll with shades on..
but seriously the one my brother perfected is the “yeah-nah” sideways glance where he looks to the side as if he is seriously considering the persons opinion then he grimicaes and say “yeah-nah” and explaims that he will agree to disagree and leave it there with tact.

Reply
Sue F

Thanks Karen, a great article. We all get triggered so it’s good to have ideas about diffusing the situation. I still get the “shaming” trigger so I need to have my shame resilience in place. Not always easy but it takes practice.

Reply
Margie

Loved the article and for me so important to notice every time those triggers fire me up!

Instead of eye rolling, maybe take a breath. This forces you to connect with your body as well create a space to consciously reflect instead of reacting.

Reply
Joni

I’ve been told I was eye-rolling when I did not even realize I was doing it, subconscious gesture I’m guessing. It is my way of handling an otherwise possible confrontation. In my humble opinion, eye-rolling is a personal way of dealing with a situation without being verbally obnoxious. It might be offensive to others but it is a lot better that the “eye filter” kicks in and I do not verbally assault someone.

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Ellie Mallette

The only problem with that Joni, is that to the recipient it feels like a verbal assault. I also understand your predicament, but maybe a solution that would keep everyone feeling ok about themselves would be to remove yourself from the conversation or the room itself, or validate the other person’s feelings, or leave..take some deep breaths & when u return change the topic to something like a pleasant memory, or give a compliment or relate a funny incident etc. What I’m saying is carry out a response that leaves everyone feeling good or at least ok about themselves. It takes a lot of focus & practise, I know!

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Sue F

Yes I like this. It’s like calming the waters. Not sure if I like the eye roll. It’s like saying “here we go again” or what you are saying just isn’t worth listening to.

Reply
Joni

Unfortunately (?), I’m not aware that I’m doing it. It’s an automatic reflex to verbal garbage. But, I will try to be become aware of surroundings that may trigger this reflex instead of trying to “roll with the flow”.

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Ellie Mallette

Becoming aware of your triggers, is an excellent idea Joni. Maybe you can practise your alternate responses by role playing with a friend until your new methods become a ‘part of you’, and will come naturally the next time you’re around the people who churn up negative emotions. Be patient, it’s a tough change to make but once you master it, you will feel a whole lot better!

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Sue F

Yes Ellie I agree with that. But also we need to stand up for ourselves in situations like these. For years I would remain silent. It was as if they had some sort of “power” over me and could say what they wanted. There were no boundaries. My sister would always bring up something that happened when I was 12 [I’m now 64] because she knew that would hurt me. It’s a shaming technique. We need to find resilience against this type of thing.

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Joni

Ellie, I agree. I am 60 and have experienced abuse of all sorts since a toddler until I finally cut ties, about 3-4 months ago. There are mechanisms ingrained to deal with unpleasant situations. I’m just learning about the effects this has on brain development. It’s a sad, but very real, method of coping developed by your brain when it’s overwhelmed and overloaded by fear, trauma, stress, etc. At 60, I’m not really sure if these ingrained mechanisms can be reversed. I’m on a new path, scratching away at a mountain with a teaspoon.

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ellie

Joni, my heart goes out to you…abuse of any sort cannot be overlooked, or accepted. I realize it’s especially damaging when started at a young age. The fact that you’re 60 means to me, that you are at a stage in life when you will explore any and all opportunities to thoughtfully and successfully go on to live a better life in all areas. At times it will feel that you’re scratching at a mountain with a teaspoon, but eventually that mountain will crumble into dust. The mind is extremely powerful and it can be retrained at any age. Keep at it, Joni. I know you will overcome the damaging events of the past, and be free to live the peaceful, enjoyable life you deserve!

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Ellie Mallette

Hi Joni,

I completely understand what you’re saying. I’ve been in that situation with family as well. I’m not implying that my solutions should be yours…you need to do what’s best for you. Have you tried having a private conversation with your sister about your hurt feelings? Tell her you love her and you know she loves you too but maybe she doesn’t realize how her words cause you to feel hurt, and you’d feel so much happier if you both concentrated on saying good things about each other whenever you’re together. You might have to repeat this to your sister any number of times before she ‘gets it’. It’s called being a “broken record.:)”
If that doesn’t work after many attempts say it in front of the rest of the family. If you are still subjected to it, repeat the original statement and leave the room or the house, saying something like it’s too bad you don’t want to respect my feelings but I have to respect myself with this boundary….try to say it in a very calm neutral tone. Then even if you’re in the middle of your favourite meal, get up and leave.
I have done this and even though it was uncomfortable it did make me feel stronger. Best of luck, Joni!

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Sue F

Yes to all of the above Ellie. We all have a right to be heard and for people to respect our boundaries. I used to put mine in writing…I found I could express myself a lot better and not be put off by people interrupting me. One reply I got after setting out my boundaries in an effort to improve the relationship was “WHATEVER!”. I knew then that it was never going to work. It’s never easy with family.

Reply
Ellie Mallette

Eye-rolling is not a helpful technique unless you are in a different room from the person who is irritating you. Eye-rolling is another form of condescension.
Everything else in the article is right on!

Reply

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Adolescence is all about the transition from childhood to adulthood. It can be a confusing time for everyone - not just for our teens but also for the adults who love them. 

Too often, the line between childhood and adulthood can be a blurry one. The expectations of adulthood can come charging at them, but without the freedoms, confidence, or capabilities that adulthood brings. They can feel with such depth and intensity, but without the adult wisdom or experience to make sense of those feelings. 

They’ll be okay, but it might feel wobbly for a while. In the meantime they will look to us for signs of safety and certainty. This doesn’t mean certainty that everything will always be okay - it won’t be - but certainty that they’ll get through, certainty that they are extraordinary, and needed, and that their will be a space and a place in the world that only they can fill.

We might not always feel that certainty. Some days we might ache, and wish we could make their world feel softer for a while. In those times, it will be less about what you do and more about who you are - being the one who can be with them without needing them to be different, the one who can handle any of their hurts or heartaches with gentle, certain hands, the one who can block out the world for a while by letting them rest in our care without needing them to be, or do, or give anything back in return.♥️
For our children, we start building the foundations for adolescence in their earliest years - the relationship we’ll have with them, who they are going to be, how they are going to be. One of the things we’ll want to build is their capacity to know their own minds and be brave enough to use it. This isn’t easy, even for adults, so the more practice we give them, the more they’ll be able to access their strong, brave, beautiful minds when they need to - when we aren’t there.

This means letting them have a say when we can, asking their opinions, and letting them disagree.

When kids and teens argue, they’re communicating. We need to listen, but the need won’t always be obvious. When littles argue because it’s spaghetti for dinner and ‘I hate spaghetti so much’ (even though last week and the 5 years before last week, spaghetti was their favourite), they might be expressing a need for sleep, power and influence, or independence. All are valid. When your teen argues because they want to do something you’ve said no to, the need might be to preserve their felt sense of inclusion with their tribe, or independence from you. Again, all valid. 

Of course, a valid need doesn’t mean it will always be met. Sometimes our needs might need to take priority to theirs, such as our need to keep them safe, or for them to learn that they can still be okay if everything doesn’t go their way, or that sometimes people will have conflicting needs that need to take priority. What’s important is letting them know we hear them and we get it.

It’s going to take time for kids to learn how to argue and express themselves respectfully. In the meantime, the words might be clumsy, loud, angry. This is when we need to hold on to ourselves, meet them where they are, let them know we hear them, and step into our leadership presence. We might give them what they need because it makes sense and because there isn’t enough reason not to. Sometimes, after giving them space to be heard we’ll need to stand our ground. Other times we might solve the problem collaboratively: This is what you want. This is what I want. Let’s talk about how we can we both get what we need.♥️
Anxiety will always tilt our focus to the risks, often at the expense of the very real rewards. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. 

This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. Wholehearted living means actively shifting our awareness to what we have to gain by taking a safe risk. 

Sometimes staying safe will be the exactly right thing to do, but sometimes we need to fight for that important or meaningful thing by hushing the noise of anxiety and moving bravely forward. 

When children or teens are on the edge of brave, but anxiety is pushing them back, ask, ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ ♥️

#parenting #parent #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #positiveparenting #heywarrior #heyawesome
Except I don’t do hungry me or tired me or intolerant me, as, you know … intolerably. Most of the time. Sometimes.
Growth doesn’t always announce itself in ways that feel safe or invited. Often, it can leave us exhausted and confused and with dirt in our pores from the fury of the battle. It is this way for all of us, our children too. 

The truth of it all is that we are all born with a profound and immense capacity to rise through challenges, changes and heartache. There is something else we are born with too, and it is the capacity to add softness, strength, and safety for each other when the movement towards growth feels too big. Not always by finding the answer, but by being it - just by being - safe, warm, vulnerable, real. As it turns out, sometimes, this is the richest source of growth for all of us.

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