Getting Rid of Emotional Clutter (And Making Way for the Things That You Really Want)

Getting Rid of Emotional Clutte

Clutter is clutter – whether it’s our physical space or our mental space, the things that have outstayed their purpose have a way of sitting there innocently enough, but they drain our energy, crowd our space and get in the way of us moving forward. Emotional clutter tends to dress itself up as something that’s there for all good and no harm. It can be sneaky like that. The truth is that like any clutter, we need to sort through it now and then to see if it’s working hard to flourish us, maintain us or whether it’s weighing us down like concrete skin.

Like anything that’s been in our life for a while, emotional clutter can feel good to have around. It can give us the excuse not to start, the reason to hold back and the familiarity we need to keep thinking that what we’re doing is just fine – whether it is or not.  

The truth is that the more you let go of the things that no longer work hard for you, the more you’ll make way for the things that do. Here are some of the things to watch out for. Be brave. Let go and see what happens. You can always grab hold of them again if you want to. (But once they’re gone, you probably won’t want to!):

  1. Having to be the perfect something. (Know it?).

    Some days we’ll be so good at what we do it will be scary. On others we’ll be a red hot mess. Every day though, we’ll be enough. Having to be the perfect partner/ parent/ colleague/ employee (uggghh – I’m weary just naming them) – well it’s tiring. And impossible. The closer you are to perfect in one role, the further away you’ll be from perfect in another. Whatever you are is enough – so try on different roles for size, take a step sideways, and dare to get it wrong sometimes. Be the human version of human. They’re so much better to be around than the perfect ones.

  2. People-clutter.

    One-sided friendships. Toxic relationships. People that drain you, fade you or reduce you. Where you can, draw a bold heavy underline between you and them and use the space they’re taking up for the people who you actually want to be around. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn once said that we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. It makes sense. We become open to the people we allow close to us. We become open to their love, their wisdom, their warmth, their influence and their opinions – especially their opinion of us. When we open ourselves to the good, we also open ourselves to the bad. It’s just the way it is. How would you describe each of your five people in five words? If the words are ones that feel bad, ask what you’re getting out of the relationship. If it’s not good for you, it’s just not good. Fullstop. Sometimes it’s not about you or them, but about the combination of both of you.

  3. The thing about not making a decision …

    Not making a decision is still making a decision – to stay still. This is fine for a while, even wise, but leave inaction for too long and eventually it will hold you down with its knees over your belly and you’ll find it hard to move. Sometimes doing nothing can be worse than getting it wrong. At least if you do something and it doesn’t work out, you can move on but the ‘what ifs’ of inaction will keep you stuck forever. Sometimes the only way forward is with a leap of faith. We tie up so much mental and emotional energy by holding ourselves back from moving. What are the things you’re putting off making a decision on? Put a deadline on it and go for it. Otherwise, what’s stopping you from letting it go? 

  4. The drama. Oh the drama!

    Not the fun kind of drama that comes with ad breaks, but the kind that will send you crazy if you let it. I’m talking about the drama that lands upon you by way of voicemails, texts, emails and anything else you feel bad about every time you go there. Are there people or things in your life that just keep the drama coming like it has no place else to be? The delete key was invented specifically to loosen the hold of the idiots in our lives. Use it readily. That’s what it’s for.

  5. The reasons not to. 

    No matter what, there will always be reasons not to – not to start the relationship, make the change, go for that job, take the holiday, start the adventure, talk to ‘him’. It will never feel scarier than when you’re perched on the edge of yes or no, stop or go, but fear can be a dirty little liar and can present itself as a stop sign. It’s not. It’s a sign that you’re about to do something really brave. Take the chance. Just one small step over the line – then let the momentum take you from there. Make the call, send the email, start the conversation, say the words – and let the possibilities open up to you. 

  6. Comparison. Yes. That.

    It’s so easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves to others. (Oh I know this one!) The truth is that you can never know what’s happened behind the scenes or what someone has been through to get to where they are. If you’re still on your way, stay focused and don’t be knocked off track by the fact that someone else is further along the path than you. From the outside, they may look more successful, happier, richer, kinder or more important. But keep going. You can be all of those things. Actually, there’s no reason you can’t be more.

  7. Avoidance.

    It’s normal to avoid things because of the fear of what might happen if you go for it, but avoiding the important things also brings its own consequences. Difficult things don’t go away just because they’re ignored. It would be good of them if they took the hint, but they generally don’t work like that. Be brave, turn, and face. It’s the only way to get the difficult things dealt with to make way for something better.

  8. Thoughts to fly by or fall by.

    The best things begin with a thought and can die with a thought. Our thoughts have so much power, but they are only that – thoughts. Choose the ones that you give power to wisely. The right ones will give you flight. The wrong ones will keep you grounded. The really wrong ones will face-plant you into the runway. Be deliberate. It’s completely in your hands.

  9. The things that are meant to feel beautiful to be around. But aren’t.

    Anything that makes you feel fat, ugly, frumpy, stupid or less than just doesn’t deserve a place in your life. People, magazines, tv shows, books, boyfriends, friends, partners, relatives. If they feel bad to be around, they’re bad to have around.

  10. Friends. Oh wait. No they’re not.

    A specific kind of ‘people clutter’. They’re the ‘friends’ you walk away from feeling like rubbish. They’re the ones who are never there when you need them, expect you to be on call, deliver back-handed compliments to you as though you’re the keeper of crappy things to say to people, and constantly remind you of how great they are but never notice that you’re pretty damn fine yourself.  They’re toxic and they’re takers and they’re taking up precious space. Move them on.

  11. I know we’re over. I really do. But I’m just going to hang on to this … just … because … 

    Anything that keeps you in the past, and sad, isn’t good for you. I’m talking about the people (as in exes) you keep friended on Facebook or stay connected to through any form of social media. You might tell yourself it’s fine, that you’re still friends, that you’re big enough to handle it – blah blah blah – but what’s more likely is that it will turn out to be a breathtaking act of self-sabotage. It’s likely you’ll keep checking (secretly – who wouldn’t?) to make sure there’s nobody new, or if there is that they don’t look as happy with the new person as they did with you. You know where this is headed and it’s not to anywhere that will feel good. Just stop. Let them go. Unfriend. Unfollow. Unlike. It’s clutter you don’t need and there’s nothing for you there.  

  12. There’s no guard rail at the gene pool.

    The fact that you share genetics with someone doesn’t mean you have to spend time with them. If you feel ‘less than’ when you’re with them, that’s a pretty clear signal to limit contact. Nobody said genes were good at deciding relationships, but you are if you want to be.  You don’t have to like your family of origin. Not even a little bit. Be tolerant and kind but don’t be a doormat. We grow up with certain messages from our family and because those messages have been around for a while – as in ‘for our entire lives’ – we tend to swallow them whole without actually looking at what they mean for us. Chew them up, see how they taste, swallow them or spit them out. Nobody said you had to agree with people, like them or spend time with them just because you share DNA.

  13. Memories aren’t facts. (Though they’ll have you thinking they are.)

    Here’s the thing about memories. They aren’t always that accurate. Our memories are a product of what we attend to and the way we interpret things – all of which are defined by us. When we’re happy, we pay attention to happy things and turn events into memories through a happy filter. We look for things to confirm our point of view and pay less attention to the inconsistencies. We do the same when we’re feeling negative. It’s human nature – we all do it. Let me give you an example. If you’re going through a stage where you believe that you’re not great at relationships because they always seem to end (or because one just has), you’ll sort through memories (automatically and subconsciously) and keep the ones that match the way you feel. Chances are they’ll be ones where you’ve been hurt or disappointed, but you won’t pay attention to the memories of relationships that have worked and the ones that involve people who have adored being with you. Let go of the idea that your memories are accurate and know the difference between your memories and the facts. Inaccurate memories can be the most stifling kind of clutter.

  14. The need for approval.

    You don’t have to be adored and approved of by everyone. Some people will love you, some people might not think that much of you and some people won’t think about you at all. There will always be critics, but you’ll often find that they’re critical of the world. It’s just that there up to your part of the world right now. Keep the ones who love you (as long as it’s not love from a long range lens, of course), learn from the ones who don’t and move on. Anything else is wasting your time and getting in your way.

  15. Thinking about the same thing over and over and over and … (Seriously – it’s not gonna change. It’s just not.)

    Who hasn’t thought over and over and over about something to try to feel better about it?  There comes a point where going over and over something that feels bad will be bad for you. It’s called rumination and it’s a risk factor for depression. Sometimes there are no answers. If they haven’t shown themselves to you by now, going over it one more time probably won’t bring them out into the open either. Change happens, sometimes for no obvious reason, but when it does it’s important to be open to new paths, people and opportunities rather than staying stuck and trying to force something to happen with the old. There will be times in life that we’ll feel stripped back to bone, but this feeling won’t stay. Eventually, we’ll rebuild in ways that we couldn’t have imagined, but this will only happen once the what-ifs, maybes, shoulds and any other limiting thoughts stop cluttering our mental space.

  16. Waiting for things to make sense.

    Life doesn’t happen in storybook form with clear beginnings, middles and ends. (Pity.) It can be tempting to hold back from moving forward (e.g. from a broken relationship) until things make sense (‘but I don’t get it – we were just so happy’). The problem with this is that many times the very thing that will make it all make sense hasn’t happened yet, and won’t happen until you let go of the clutter and move in the right direction. Look back in your life at the things that didn’t make sense at the time. More than likely, by now (depending on how far back you’ve gone), you’ll see that in some way, they’ve contributed to getting you to where you are now, even if in the most minor way.  Things will make sense eventually. Be patient and wait for the pieces to fit. For me, I can see how relationships that didn’t work out were getting me ready for the one that did. There have also been jobs I’ve applied for, and didn’t get, that at the time felt devastating but were also leaving the way clear for the right opportunities that proved to be better than anything I missed out on.

  17. Bleeding out through a ‘bad’ situation.

    Framing something as a bad situation has the potential to leach confidence and motivation. Just because things aren’t good, doesn’t mean they’re bad. Everything we go through shapes us, but whether that shaping is for better or worse is up to us. It’s important not to let confidence, motivation and self-esteem leak out through the cracks of a bad situation. We can choose to be the victim of our circumstances or we can take the wheel and choose how to respond. We can’t always choose what happens to us but in everything is an opportunity to be braver, stronger, wiser, kinder, more resilient than before. Of course, sometimes it’s completely okay to fall apart first. Sometimes it feels like the only option. Just make sure you know where your feet are when you’re ready to stand.

  18. Thinking that for a relationship to be successful, it has to last forever.

    A successful relationship is one in which there is love, learning and growth. Sometimes, for at least one person in the couple, the growth can stop and the relationship, and the people in it, stall – but that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been a successful one. Every relationship at some point, reaches a make it or break it point. In some relationships, this point is the time to fight for the relationship. When both of you are ‘in’ don’t take the struggle as a sign that things are about to end but that you’re about to enter a new stage of the relationship. There is also enormous courage in knowing when the time is up. We underestimate the degree to which we change. The people we were say, 10 years ago, will  be different to the people we are now. Sometimes that means that relationships, jobs and other pieces of our past will no longer fit who we are. Sometimes they grow with us. Sometimes they don’t. That doesn’t mean they weren’t important, successful or phenomenal to be in at the time. Hanging on when there is nothing left to hang on to can be enormously stifling. Sometimes it’s okay to let go. Sometimes it’s the only thing left to do.

It can be so tempting to keep walking past the emotional clutter in our lives and telling ourselves in that, ‘oh nothing – just some stuff’ tone that we’ll get around to sorting through it one day, ‘but for now, it’s no problem, really’. Don’t believe everything you think. Emotional clutter will hold you back and keep you stuck and have you believing that it’s doing it all for you. It’s not. You just don’t need it. 

You already know what’s good for you – you just have to listen to it. Ill health and unhappiness come when we fight that knowledge and stay with things that are no longer working. Trust that you have what it takes. Everything you need is inside you. It always has been.

 

15 Comments

Pamela

Thanks so much. I am doing some soul searching and found this very enlightening!?????

Reply
Yusuf

This is my first time of commenting on a blog. This is a very awesome post Mr. Sigmund. Bless You.

Reply
Augustine barasa

Thanks alot i av learned today
much u av really touched me am gad to move wth my life & let emotional clutters go

Reply
Pamela

Honestly, I admire your timing with social shares as much as your incredible, insightful writing about the human experience. This piece is relevant to a friend’s situation today, and thus I’ve just passed it along.

Thank you, thank you–for all you do.

Reply
Gia

Such useful words and perfectly articulated. Thank you so much. This is just what I needed to see.

Reply
Ellen

Thank you, Karen. This article made me think. I am going to make some decisions about things that are cluttering my life.

Reply
Hey Sigmund

You’re very welcome. We all need a de-clutter now and then, don’t we. I’m so pleased this has been useful for you.

Reply

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We teach our kids to respect adults and other children, and they should – respect is an important part of growing up to be a pretty great human. There’s something else though that’s even more important – teaching them to respect themselves first. 

We can’t stop difficult people coming into their lives. They might be teachers, coaches, peers, and eventually, colleagues, or perhaps people connected to the people who love them. What we can do though is give our kids independence of mind and permission to recognise that person and their behaviour as unacceptable to them. We can teach our kids that being kind and respectful doesn’t necessarily mean accepting someone’s behaviour, beliefs or influence. 

The kindness and respect we teach our children to show to others should never be used against them by those broken others who might do harm. We have to recognise as adults that the words and attitudes directed to our children can be just as damaging as anything physical. 

If the behaviour is from an adult, it’s up to us to guard our child’s safe space in the world even harder. That might be by withdrawing support for the adult, using our own voice with the adult to elevate our child’s, asking our child what they need and how we can help, helping them find their voice, withdrawing them from the environment. 

Of course there will be times our children do or say things that aren’t okay, but this never makes it okay for any adult in your child’s life to treat them in a way that leads them to feeling ‘less than’.

Sometimes the difficult person will be a peer. There is no ‘one certain way’ to deal with this. Sometimes it will involve mediation, role playing responses, clarifying the other child’s behaviour, asking for support from other adults in the environment, or letting go of the friendship.

Learning that it’s okay to let go of relationships is such an important part of full living. Too often we hold on to people who don’t deserve us. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay and if we can help our children start to think about this when they’re young, they’ll be so much more empowered and deliberate in their relationships when they’re older.♥️
When we are angry, there will always be another emotion underneath it. It is this way for all of us. 

Anger itself is a valid emotion so it’s important not to dismiss it. Emotion is e-motion - energy in motion. It has to find a way out, which is why telling an angry child to calm down or to keep their bodies still will only make things worse for them. They might comply, but their bodies will still be in a state of distress. 

Often, beneath an angry child is an anxious one needing our help. It’s the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. As with all emotions, anger has a job to do - to help us to safety through movement, or to recruit support, or to give us the physical resources to meet a need or to change something that needs changing. It doesn’t mean it does the job well, because an angry brain means the feeling brain has the baton, while the thinking brain sits out for a while. What it means is that there is a valid need there and this young person is doing their very best to meet it, given their available resources in the moment or their developmental stage. 

Children need the same thing we all need when we’re feeling fierce - to be seen,  heard, and supported; to find a way to get the energy out, either with words or movement. Not to be shut down or ‘fixed’. 

Our job isn’t to stop their anger, but to help them find ways to feel it and express it in ways that don’t do damage. This will take lots of experience, and lots of time - and that’s okay.♥️
The SCCR Online Conference 2021 is a wonderful initiative by @sccrcentre (Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution) which will explore ’The Power of Reconnection’. I’ve been working with SCCR for many years. They do incredible work to build relationships between young people and the important adults around them, and I’m excited to be working with them again as part of this conference.

More than ever, relationships matter. They heal, provide a buffer against stress, and make the world feel a little softer and safer for our young people. Building meaningful connections can take time, and even the strongest relationships can feel the effects of disconnection from time to time. As part of this free webinar, I’ll be talking about the power of attachment relationships, and ways to build relationships with the children and teens in your life that protect, strengthen, and heal. 

The workshop will be on Monday 11 October at 7pm Brisbane, Australia time (10am Scotland time). The link to register is in my story.
There are many things that can send a nervous system into distress. These can include physiological (tired, hungry, unwell), sensory overload/ underload, real or perceived threat (anxiety), stressed resources (having to share, pay attention, learn new things, putting a lid on what they really think or want - the things that can send any of us to the end of ourselves).

Most of the time it’s developmental - the grown up brain is being built and still has a way to go. Like all beautiful, strong, important things, brains take time to build. The part of the brain that has a heavy hand in regulation launches into its big developmental window when kids are about 6 years old. It won’t be fully done developing until mid-late 20s. This is a great thing - it means we have a wide window of influence, and there is no hurry.

Like any building work, on the way to completion things will get messy sometimes - and that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of your young one and it’s not a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of a brain in the midst of a build. It’s wondrous and fascinating and frustrating and maddening - it’s all the things.

The messy times are part of their development, not glitches in it. They are how it’s meant to be. They are important opportunities for us to influence their growth. It’s just how it happens. We have to be careful not to judge our children or ourselves because of these messy times, or let the judgement of others fill the space where love, curiosity, and gentle guidance should be. For sure, some days this will be easy, and some days it will feel harder - like splitting an atom with an axe kind of hard.

Their growth will always be best nurtured in the calm, loving space beside us. It won’t happen through punishment, ever. Consequences have a place if they make sense and are delivered in a way that doesn’t shame or separate them from us, either physically or emotionally. The best ‘consequence’ is the conversation with you in a space that is held by your warm loving strong presence, in a way that makes it safe for both of you to be curious, explore options, and understand what happened.♥️
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#mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #parenting
When children are struggling to physically control their bodies, we support them in ways that strengthen. If they’re struggling to write, for example, we don’t punish or shame them. We guide them and show them by doing ‘with’. We also lift them up, ‘I know you can do this. Keep going. You’re getting better and better.’ We also don’t wait for perfection. ‘You wrote a number 4! Nice work you!’ We sit with and do with, over and over. We also give them a break when they get frustrated or upset.

It’s the same for behaviour. Big behaviour comes from big feelings or attempts to meet valid needs. (And all needs are valid.) It is this way for all of us. When we’re upset or angry, the last thing we need is for someone to tell us we can’t be, or to lecture or shame us. Kids are the same.

With kids and teens though, there can be a sense that we need to ‘do’ something in response to big behaviour, so we lay down punishments or consequences with a view to teaching a lesson.

But - unless the consequences make sense (punishments never do), they risk teaching lessons we don’t want them to learn:
- that the environment is fragile and won’t tolerate mistakes. 
- that secrecy and lies are a safer option than coming to us. 
- shut down. They put a lid on expressing big feelings. The feelings will still be there, but they aren’t getting the vital guidance from us on how to calm them (through co-regulation). The risk is that they will eventually call on unhealthy ways to calm the fierce stress neurobiology that comes with big feelings.

Consequences have to make sense. Maybe it’s to repair or reconnect. Discipline has to teach. It’s not about what we do to them but about what we nurture within them. Is that trust and the capacity to learn and grow? Or is it fear or shame.

Often the only response that’s needed is a loving conversation with us. ‘What happened?’ ‘What were you hoping would happen?’ ‘What did you need that you didn’t get?’ What can you do differently next time?’ ‘How can you put things right?’ Because if discipline is about learning, the most powerful consequence is the strong, loving conversation with us that lights their way and speaks softly to the safety of us.♥️

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