Getting Rid of Emotional Clutter (And Making Way for the Things That You Really Want)

Getting Rid of Emotional Clutte

Clutter is clutter – whether it’s our physical space or our mental space, the things that have outstayed their purpose have a way of sitting there innocently enough, but they drain our energy, crowd our space and get in the way of us moving forward. Emotional clutter tends to dress itself up as something that’s there for all good and no harm. It can be sneaky like that. The truth is that like any clutter, we need to sort through it now and then to see if it’s working hard to flourish us, maintain us or whether it’s weighing us down like concrete skin.

Like anything that’s been in our life for a while, emotional clutter can feel good to have around. It can give us the excuse not to start, the reason to hold back and the familiarity we need to keep thinking that what we’re doing is just fine – whether it is or not.  

The truth is that the more you let go of the things that no longer work hard for you, the more you’ll make way for the things that do. Here are some of the things to watch out for. Be brave. Let go and see what happens. You can always grab hold of them again if you want to. (But once they’re gone, you probably won’t want to!):

  1. Having to be the perfect something. (Know it?).

    Some days we’ll be so good at what we do it will be scary. On others we’ll be a red hot mess. Every day though, we’ll be enough. Having to be the perfect partner/ parent/ colleague/ employee (uggghh – I’m weary just naming them) – well it’s tiring. And impossible. The closer you are to perfect in one role, the further away you’ll be from perfect in another. Whatever you are is enough – so try on different roles for size, take a step sideways, and dare to get it wrong sometimes. Be the human version of human. They’re so much better to be around than the perfect ones.

  2. People-clutter.

    One-sided friendships. Toxic relationships. People that drain you, fade you or reduce you. Where you can, draw a bold heavy underline between you and them and use the space they’re taking up for the people who you actually want to be around. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn once said that we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. It makes sense. We become open to the people we allow close to us. We become open to their love, their wisdom, their warmth, their influence and their opinions – especially their opinion of us. When we open ourselves to the good, we also open ourselves to the bad. It’s just the way it is. How would you describe each of your five people in five words? If the words are ones that feel bad, ask what you’re getting out of the relationship. If it’s not good for you, it’s just not good. Fullstop. Sometimes it’s not about you or them, but about the combination of both of you.

  3. The thing about not making a decision …

    Not making a decision is still making a decision – to stay still. This is fine for a while, even wise, but leave inaction for too long and eventually it will hold you down with its knees over your belly and you’ll find it hard to move. Sometimes doing nothing can be worse than getting it wrong. At least if you do something and it doesn’t work out, you can move on but the ‘what ifs’ of inaction will keep you stuck forever. Sometimes the only way forward is with a leap of faith. We tie up so much mental and emotional energy by holding ourselves back from moving. What are the things you’re putting off making a decision on? Put a deadline on it and go for it. Otherwise, what’s stopping you from letting it go? 

  4. The drama. Oh the drama!

    Not the fun kind of drama that comes with ad breaks, but the kind that will send you crazy if you let it. I’m talking about the drama that lands upon you by way of voicemails, texts, emails and anything else you feel bad about every time you go there. Are there people or things in your life that just keep the drama coming like it has no place else to be? The delete key was invented specifically to loosen the hold of the idiots in our lives. Use it readily. That’s what it’s for.

  5. The reasons not to. 

    No matter what, there will always be reasons not to – not to start the relationship, make the change, go for that job, take the holiday, start the adventure, talk to ‘him’. It will never feel scarier than when you’re perched on the edge of yes or no, stop or go, but fear can be a dirty little liar and can present itself as a stop sign. It’s not. It’s a sign that you’re about to do something really brave. Take the chance. Just one small step over the line – then let the momentum take you from there. Make the call, send the email, start the conversation, say the words – and let the possibilities open up to you. 

  6. Comparison. Yes. That.

    It’s so easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves to others. (Oh I know this one!) The truth is that you can never know what’s happened behind the scenes or what someone has been through to get to where they are. If you’re still on your way, stay focused and don’t be knocked off track by the fact that someone else is further along the path than you. From the outside, they may look more successful, happier, richer, kinder or more important. But keep going. You can be all of those things. Actually, there’s no reason you can’t be more.

  7. Avoidance.

    It’s normal to avoid things because of the fear of what might happen if you go for it, but avoiding the important things also brings its own consequences. Difficult things don’t go away just because they’re ignored. It would be good of them if they took the hint, but they generally don’t work like that. Be brave, turn, and face. It’s the only way to get the difficult things dealt with to make way for something better.

  8. Thoughts to fly by or fall by.

    The best things begin with a thought and can die with a thought. Our thoughts have so much power, but they are only that – thoughts. Choose the ones that you give power to wisely. The right ones will give you flight. The wrong ones will keep you grounded. The really wrong ones will face-plant you into the runway. Be deliberate. It’s completely in your hands.

  9. The things that are meant to feel beautiful to be around. But aren’t.

    Anything that makes you feel fat, ugly, frumpy, stupid or less than just doesn’t deserve a place in your life. People, magazines, tv shows, books, boyfriends, friends, partners, relatives. If they feel bad to be around, they’re bad to have around.

  10. Friends. Oh wait. No they’re not.

    A specific kind of ‘people clutter’. They’re the ‘friends’ you walk away from feeling like rubbish. They’re the ones who are never there when you need them, expect you to be on call, deliver back-handed compliments to you as though you’re the keeper of crappy things to say to people, and constantly remind you of how great they are but never notice that you’re pretty damn fine yourself.  They’re toxic and they’re takers and they’re taking up precious space. Move them on.

  11. I know we’re over. I really do. But I’m just going to hang on to this … just … because … 

    Anything that keeps you in the past, and sad, isn’t good for you. I’m talking about the people (as in exes) you keep friended on Facebook or stay connected to through any form of social media. You might tell yourself it’s fine, that you’re still friends, that you’re big enough to handle it – blah blah blah – but what’s more likely is that it will turn out to be a breathtaking act of self-sabotage. It’s likely you’ll keep checking (secretly – who wouldn’t?) to make sure there’s nobody new, or if there is that they don’t look as happy with the new person as they did with you. You know where this is headed and it’s not to anywhere that will feel good. Just stop. Let them go. Unfriend. Unfollow. Unlike. It’s clutter you don’t need and there’s nothing for you there.  

  12. There’s no guard rail at the gene pool.

    The fact that you share genetics with someone doesn’t mean you have to spend time with them. If you feel ‘less than’ when you’re with them, that’s a pretty clear signal to limit contact. Nobody said genes were good at deciding relationships, but you are if you want to be.  You don’t have to like your family of origin. Not even a little bit. Be tolerant and kind but don’t be a doormat. We grow up with certain messages from our family and because those messages have been around for a while – as in ‘for our entire lives’ – we tend to swallow them whole without actually looking at what they mean for us. Chew them up, see how they taste, swallow them or spit them out. Nobody said you had to agree with people, like them or spend time with them just because you share DNA.

  13. Memories aren’t facts. (Though they’ll have you thinking they are.)

    Here’s the thing about memories. They aren’t always that accurate. Our memories are a product of what we attend to and the way we interpret things – all of which are defined by us. When we’re happy, we pay attention to happy things and turn events into memories through a happy filter. We look for things to confirm our point of view and pay less attention to the inconsistencies. We do the same when we’re feeling negative. It’s human nature – we all do it. Let me give you an example. If you’re going through a stage where you believe that you’re not great at relationships because they always seem to end (or because one just has), you’ll sort through memories (automatically and subconsciously) and keep the ones that match the way you feel. Chances are they’ll be ones where you’ve been hurt or disappointed, but you won’t pay attention to the memories of relationships that have worked and the ones that involve people who have adored being with you. Let go of the idea that your memories are accurate and know the difference between your memories and the facts. Inaccurate memories can be the most stifling kind of clutter.

  14. The need for approval.

    You don’t have to be adored and approved of by everyone. Some people will love you, some people might not think that much of you and some people won’t think about you at all. There will always be critics, but you’ll often find that they’re critical of the world. It’s just that there up to your part of the world right now. Keep the ones who love you (as long as it’s not love from a long range lens, of course), learn from the ones who don’t and move on. Anything else is wasting your time and getting in your way.

  15. Thinking about the same thing over and over and over and … (Seriously – it’s not gonna change. It’s just not.)

    Who hasn’t thought over and over and over about something to try to feel better about it?  There comes a point where going over and over something that feels bad will be bad for you. It’s called rumination and it’s a risk factor for depression. Sometimes there are no answers. If they haven’t shown themselves to you by now, going over it one more time probably won’t bring them out into the open either. Change happens, sometimes for no obvious reason, but when it does it’s important to be open to new paths, people and opportunities rather than staying stuck and trying to force something to happen with the old. There will be times in life that we’ll feel stripped back to bone, but this feeling won’t stay. Eventually, we’ll rebuild in ways that we couldn’t have imagined, but this will only happen once the what-ifs, maybes, shoulds and any other limiting thoughts stop cluttering our mental space.

  16. Waiting for things to make sense.

    Life doesn’t happen in storybook form with clear beginnings, middles and ends. (Pity.) It can be tempting to hold back from moving forward (e.g. from a broken relationship) until things make sense (‘but I don’t get it – we were just so happy’). The problem with this is that many times the very thing that will make it all make sense hasn’t happened yet, and won’t happen until you let go of the clutter and move in the right direction. Look back in your life at the things that didn’t make sense at the time. More than likely, by now (depending on how far back you’ve gone), you’ll see that in some way, they’ve contributed to getting you to where you are now, even if in the most minor way.  Things will make sense eventually. Be patient and wait for the pieces to fit. For me, I can see how relationships that didn’t work out were getting me ready for the one that did. There have also been jobs I’ve applied for, and didn’t get, that at the time felt devastating but were also leaving the way clear for the right opportunities that proved to be better than anything I missed out on.

  17. Bleeding out through a ‘bad’ situation.

    Framing something as a bad situation has the potential to leach confidence and motivation. Just because things aren’t good, doesn’t mean they’re bad. Everything we go through shapes us, but whether that shaping is for better or worse is up to us. It’s important not to let confidence, motivation and self-esteem leak out through the cracks of a bad situation. We can choose to be the victim of our circumstances or we can take the wheel and choose how to respond. We can’t always choose what happens to us but in everything is an opportunity to be braver, stronger, wiser, kinder, more resilient than before. Of course, sometimes it’s completely okay to fall apart first. Sometimes it feels like the only option. Just make sure you know where your feet are when you’re ready to stand.

  18. Thinking that for a relationship to be successful, it has to last forever.

    A successful relationship is one in which there is love, learning and growth. Sometimes, for at least one person in the couple, the growth can stop and the relationship, and the people in it, stall – but that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been a successful one. Every relationship at some point, reaches a make it or break it point. In some relationships, this point is the time to fight for the relationship. When both of you are ‘in’ don’t take the struggle as a sign that things are about to end but that you’re about to enter a new stage of the relationship. There is also enormous courage in knowing when the time is up. We underestimate the degree to which we change. The people we were say, 10 years ago, will  be different to the people we are now. Sometimes that means that relationships, jobs and other pieces of our past will no longer fit who we are. Sometimes they grow with us. Sometimes they don’t. That doesn’t mean they weren’t important, successful or phenomenal to be in at the time. Hanging on when there is nothing left to hang on to can be enormously stifling. Sometimes it’s okay to let go. Sometimes it’s the only thing left to do.

It can be so tempting to keep walking past the emotional clutter in our lives and telling ourselves in that, ‘oh nothing – just some stuff’ tone that we’ll get around to sorting through it one day, ‘but for now, it’s no problem, really’. Don’t believe everything you think. Emotional clutter will hold you back and keep you stuck and have you believing that it’s doing it all for you. It’s not. You just don’t need it. 

You already know what’s good for you – you just have to listen to it. Ill health and unhappiness come when we fight that knowledge and stay with things that are no longer working. Trust that you have what it takes. Everything you need is inside you. It always has been.

 

15 Comments

Pamela

Thanks so much. I am doing some soul searching and found this very enlightening!?????

Reply
Yusuf

This is my first time of commenting on a blog. This is a very awesome post Mr. Sigmund. Bless You.

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Augustine barasa

Thanks alot i av learned today
much u av really touched me am gad to move wth my life & let emotional clutters go

Reply
Pamela

Honestly, I admire your timing with social shares as much as your incredible, insightful writing about the human experience. This piece is relevant to a friend’s situation today, and thus I’ve just passed it along.

Thank you, thank you–for all you do.

Reply
Gia

Such useful words and perfectly articulated. Thank you so much. This is just what I needed to see.

Reply
Ellen

Thank you, Karen. This article made me think. I am going to make some decisions about things that are cluttering my life.

Reply
Hey Sigmund

You’re very welcome. We all need a de-clutter now and then, don’t we. I’m so pleased this has been useful for you.

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Big feelings, and the big behaviour that comes from big feelings, are a sign of a distressed nervous system. Think of this like a burning building. The behaviour is the smoke. The fire is a distressed nervous system. It’s so tempting to respond directly to the behaviour (the smoke), but by doing this, we ignore the fire. Their behaviour and feelings in that moment are a call for support - for us to help that distressed brain and body find the way home. 

The most powerful language for any nervous system is another nervous system. They will catch our distress (as we will catch theirs) but they will also catch our calm. It can be tempting to move them to independence on this too quickly, but it just doesn’t work this way. Children can only learn to self-regulate with lots (and lots and lots) of experience co-regulating. 

This isn’t something that can be taught. It’s something that has to be experienced over and over. It’s like so many things - driving a car, playing the piano - we can talk all we want about ‘how’ but it’s not until we ‘do’ over and over that we get better at it. 

Self-regulation works the same way. It’s not until children have repeated experiences with an adult bringing them back to calm, that they develop the neural pathways to come back to calm on their own. 

An important part of this is making sure we are guiding that nervous system with tender, gentle hands and a steady heart. This is where our own self-regulation becomes important. Our nervous systems speak to each other every moment of every day. When our children or teens are distressed, we will start to feel that distress. It becomes a loop. We feel what they feel, they feel what we feel. Our own capacity to self-regulate is the circuit breaker. 

This can be so tough, but it can happen in microbreaks. A few strong steady breaths can calm our own nervous system, which we can then use to calm theirs. Breathe, and be with. It’s that simple, but so tough to do some days. When they come back to calm, then have those transformational chats - What happened? What can make it easier next time?

Who you are in the moment will always be more important than what you do.
How we are with them, when they are their everyday selves and when they aren’t so adorable, will build their view of three things: the world, its people, and themselves. This will then inform how they respond to the world and how they build their very important space in it. 

Will it be a loving, warm, open-hearted space with lots of doors for them to throw open to the people and experiences that are right for them? Or will it be a space with solid, too high walls that close out too many of the people and experiences that would nourish them.

They will learn from what we do with them and to them, for better or worse. We don’t teach them that the world is safe for them to reach into - we show them. We don’t teach them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate. We show them. We don’t teach them that they matter, and that other people matter, and that their voices and their opinions matter. We show them. We don’t teach them that they are little joy mongers who light up the world. We show them. 

But we have to be radically kind with ourselves too. None of this is about perfection. Parenting is hard, and days will be hard, and on too many of those days we’ll be hard too. That’s okay. We’ll say things we shouldn’t say and do things we shouldn’t do. We’re human too. Let’s not put pressure on our kiddos to be perfect by pretending that we are. As long as we repair the ruptures as soon as we can, and bathe them in love and the warmth of us as much as we can, they will be okay.

This also isn’t about not having boundaries. We need to be the guardians of their world and show them where the edges are. But in the guarding of those boundaries we can be strong and loving, strong and gentle. We can love them, and redirect their behaviour.

It’s when we own our stuff(ups) and when we let them see us fall and rise with strength, integrity, and compassion, and when we hold them gently through the mess of it all, that they learn about humility, and vulnerability, and the importance of holding bruised hearts with tender hands. It’s not about perfection, it’s about consistency, and honesty, and the way we respond to them the most.♥️

#parenting #mindfulparenting
Anxiety and courage always exist together. It can be no other way. Anxiety is a call to courage. It means you're about to do something brave, so when there is one the other will be there too. Their courage might feel so small and be whisper quiet, but it will always be there and always ready to show up when they need it to.
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But courage doesn’t always feel like courage, and it won't always show itself as a readiness. Instead, it might show as a rising - from fear, from uncertainty, from anger. None of these mean an absence of courage. They are the making of space, and the opportunity for courage to rise.
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When the noise from anxiety is loud and obtuse, we’ll have to gently add our voices to usher their courage into the light. We can do this speaking of it and to it, and by shifting the focus from their anxiety to their brave. The one we focus on is ultimately what will become powerful. It will be the one we energise. Anxiety will already have their focus, so we’ll need to make sure their courage has ours.
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But we have to speak to their fear as well, in a way that makes space for it to be held and soothed, with strength. Their fear has an important job to do - to recruit the support of someone who can help them feel safe. Only when their fear has been heard will it rest and make way for their brave.
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What does this look like? Tell them their stories of brave, but acknowledge the fear that made it tough. Stories help them process their emotional experiences in a safe way. It brings word to the feelings and helps those big feelings make sense and find containment. ‘You were really worried about that exam weren’t you. You couldn’t get to sleep the night before. It was tough going to school but you got up, you got dressed, you ... and you did it. Then you ...’
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In the moment, speak to their brave by first acknowledging their need to flee (or fight), then tell them what you know to be true - ‘This feels scary for you doesn’t it. I know you want to run. It makes so much sense that you would want to do that. I also know you can do hard things. My darling, I know it with everything in me.’
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#positiveparenting #parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinchildren #mindfulpare
Separation anxiety has an important job to do - it’s designed to keep children safe by driving them to stay close to their important adults. Gosh it can feel brutal sometimes though.

Whenever there is separation from an attachment person there will be anxiety unless there are two things: attachment with another trusted, loving adult; and a felt sense of you holding on, even when you aren't beside them. Putting these in place will help soften anxiety.

As long as children are are in the loving care of a trusted adult, there's no need to avoid separation. We'll need to remind ourselves of this so we can hold on to ourselves when our own anxiety is rising in response to theirs. 

If separation is the problem, connection has to be the solution. The connection can be with any loving adult, but it's more than an adult being present. It needs an adult who, through their strong, warm, loving presence, shows the child their abundant intention to care for that child, and their joy in doing so. This can be helped along by showing that you trust the adult to love that child big in our absence. 'I know [important adult] loves you and is going to take such good care of you.'

To help your young one feel held on to by you, even in absence, let them know you'll be thinking of them and can't wait to see them. Bolster this by giving them something of yours to hold while you're gone - a scarf, a note - anything that will be felt as 'you'.

They know you are the one who makes sure their world is safe, so they’ll be looking to you for signs of safety: 'Do you think we'll be okay if we aren't together?' First, validate: 'You really want to stay with me, don't you. I wish I could stay with you too! It's hard being away from your special people isn't it.' Then, be their brave. Let it be big enough to wrap around them so they can rest in the safety and strength of it: 'I know you can do this, love. We can do hard things can't we.'

Part of growing up brave is learning that the presence of anxiety doesn't always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means they are on the edge of brave - and being away from you for a while counts as brave.
Even the most loving, emotionally available adult might feel frustration, anger, helplessness or distress in response to a child’s big feelings. This is how it’s meant to work. 

Their distress (fight/flight) will raise distress in us. The purpose is to move us to protect or support or them, but of course it doesn’t always work this way. When their big feelings recruit ours it can drive us more to fight (anger, blame), or to flee (avoid, ignore, separate them from us) which can steal our capacity to support them. It will happen to all of us from time to time. 

Kids and teens can’t learn to manage big feelings on their own until they’ve done it plenty of times with a calm, loving adult. This is where co-regulation comes in. It helps build the vital neural pathways between big feelings and calm. They can’t build those pathways on their own. 

It’s like driving a car. We can tell them how to drive as much as we like, but ‘talking about’ won’t mean they’re ready to hit the road by themselves. Instead we sit with them in the front seat for hours, driving ‘with’ until they can do it on their own. Feelings are the same. We feel ‘with’, over and over, until they can do it on their own. 

What can help is pausing for a moment to see the behaviour for what it is - a call for support. It’s NOT bad behaviour or bad parenting. It’s not that.

Our own feelings can give us a clue to what our children are feeling. It’s a normal, healthy, adaptive way for them to share an emotional load they weren’t meant to carry on their own. Self-regulation makes space for us to hold those feelings with them until those big feelings ease. 

Self-regulation can happen in micro moments. First, see the feelings or behaviour for what it is - a call for support. Then breathe. This will calm your nervous system, so you can calm theirs. In the same way we will catch their distress, they will also catch ours - but they can also catch our calm. Breathe, validate, and be ‘with’. And you don’t need to do more than that.

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