Borderline Personality Disorder – From Hell to Recovery

I once believed suicide was my only option. I had developed belief systems in my childhood that I was unaware of until i was 26 years old. These beliefs were strong and complex, many to do with how I viewed myself and how I viewed other people. Suicide first became an option for me when I was only 12 years old. My Dad’s brother took his life and that changed the course of my life forever. I still remember the phone call from my Dad and him telling me what my favourite uncle had done to himself. I was horrified and confused.

At 15 I was diagnosed with Depression, my home life was always chaotic and I wore a lot of adult responsiblities that a child should not. I was put on anti depressants but not given any form of therapy. It was at this time my Nana was diagnosed with terminal cancer. That played a big part in my depression. When I was 16 my Mum, sister and I went to be with her in the final months of her life. A week before she died, my Mum’s brother committed suicide, a few days after he had died my sister, aunty and I discovered his body. The same week as this happened, a girl at my school also took her own life.

Upon returning to school that year I found it quite impossible to concentrate and dropped out a month before my sixth form year was up. The year after I decided to get a certificate in Make Up Artistry. In August of that year, my tutor commited suicide. His death hit me really hard as I was still in complete shock from finding my uncle the year before. It was all too much for me to stay, so I left my course without finishing it. I spent a lot of time drinking during the day to block out my emotional pain.

At age 18 I found myself in a relationship that was never really what I thought it was, I was dropped from a great height by a guy who was my superior at work. I found it impossible to escape from my intense emotional pain and that was when I first attempted suicide. It was also when I started to self harm, my self harm would go on to last for the next decade of my life.

I don’t remember much from this attempt. I know I woke up in a white hospital gown covered in black stuff. It was the charcoal I had been made to drink on my arrival the night before. Upon waking I was told by a nurse that I had been a very silly girl. I saw a psychiatrist later on that day and was released without much of a fuss. Looking back now I wasn’t treated with respect or compassion by the hospital staff. I was simply another statistic.

My second attempt on my life was at 19 years old, and my third at 20 years old after my Dad commited suicide. I remember nothing of these attempts whatsoever. I only know that they happened because I have the hospital paperwork to prove it.

A diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder was given to me when I was 19 years old, although I was never treated for it or told what it was. At the time it seemed unimportant to me, even though my life was complete chaos I didn’t think it had anything to do with the problems I had.

When I was 25, the year before I started looking into my BPD diagnosis I had made a pact with myself. If my life was no better on my 30th birthday then was the end of the road for me.

Although I entered into DBT treatment when I was 26, it took me two and a half years to get to a place where I could understand how the therapy could help me. I had been through so much trauma besides the many suicides in my life, including sexual abuse by my Dad, that it felt like I would take one step forward and five back. I was dealing with my depression the only way I knew how to, with drugs. In heindsight those addictions only made things worse and allowed the fog to stay, thick and heavy.

At age 26 I began to look into what Borderline Personality Disorder was, the symptoms set off alarm bells in my head. All of a sudden, who I was and the turmoil that was my life all made sense to me. Even though I was still wanting to give up, there was a part of me that was furiously fighting for my recovery and treatment.

I went to see my GP and asked to be refered to the public mental health system, I had spent years in and out of it already and didn’t have much faith in it. My GP explained that they had different treatment options available now so I decided to give it one last try. I saw one therapist for about 6 months and didn’t progress much at all, then I moved house and everything changed. I had moved into a different area of Auckland which meant I was no longer able to see my current therapist. I was assigned a new one and to this day I am thankful to her for saving my life.

She knew about Borderline Personality Disorder and trauma and she knew what the treatment for it was. I started a therapy called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy also known as DBT. In a nutshell, it is designed to help the patient undo the years worth of damage that had been done to them in their early years/life. I saw my therapist weekly, sometimes twice weekly and I also attended a DBT skills group. The group ran for 6 months at a time and I completed it twice. I did attempt the group two times previously but because DBT is very hard to grasp, I only lasted a few weeks and then dropped out.

By the time I had completed the DBT group for the second time around I was 28 and a half years old and in a new relationship. I had only had two previously because I was always too mentally ill to cope with one. This time was different. I was no longer using hard drugs, my mental state had become less fragmented and less fragile, the fog was slowly starting to lift. I had also stopped self harming a week before i met my then boyfriend, now husband. To this day, I am almost 4 and a half years free from self injury. I still struggled a lot throughout that year as my youngest brother tried to end his life three times. I worried for his life daily. Thankfully he is not in that same place now.

My 30th birthday was a strange day, I remember driving home from the shops and it hit me, I thought to myself, this is what i would have missed today. I heard the birds chirping and felt the sun shining on my face through the car window. I felt alive. It overwhelmed me and I started to cry. Happy tears though, I was grateful to be alive. 

At age 31 I was married to the most amazing, patient and kind man I could have ever hoped to have met. Marriage is something I never thought possible for my life. Up until meeting him a week before my 28th birthday, I didn’t make plans for my life, I was simply waiting to die.

Today I am 32 and am still in treatment, still using my DBT skills. I still live with depression and BPD, but I am no longer an addict, I am no longer controlled by my illness. Although I am still a work in progress I have made a commitment to life, I will deal with whatever life has to offer me because I know I can get through anything. I am commited to ending the shame and stigma that surrounds mental illness.

My goal for the future is to one day be strong enough to give my voice publicly for all those who suffer in silence. Mental illness is not a choice, and often someone who has a mental illness has been through trauma. This is especially true for those who are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Education is the key to understand mental illness. If you or someone you know is suffering the best thing you can do is be there to support them.

Help is real, hope is real, and recovery is possible. Fight for yourself and your life because you are so very worth it.

(Main image provided by author, Amy Evans, and used here with permission.)


About the Author: Amy Evans

My animals have played a big part in my recovery, having two hungry cats and six chickens gives you pretty good reasons to get out of bed even on the days you’d rather not. I continue to see my therapist fortnightly and work through my trauma but it no longer cripples me like it once did.

Through the last 6 years of my recovery, I have gained a great insight into the human spirit, I choose to see the good in people, I choose to see their strength. My world once black and white is now seen through coloured eyes. Eyes of compassion, hope, empathy, love, laughter and most important of all, life. My life.

48 Comments

Jane

Thank you for writing your inspiring story. I found it because the title mentions recovery and hell. I fell like I am in hell, and want to know that there is hope of recovery.

I’m almost 60 and have lived with BPD all my life, although I didn’t know what was wrong with me for 55 of those years, except for knowing I had depression. I live a hell that I can’t describe except to say that my fear of abandonment is so severe that I do not function very well and I never feel any happiness at all. I want to know what it is like to feel safe . And to feel happiness. I want to be like what I call “the pretty people”. . Meaning the ones that are born happy, content, have a secure home life , make friends , have a career, marry their soulmate. I married , but for the wrong reasons . My life is a mess.

I cannot afford DBT but bought a workbook that I will try to work through . I just want to not hurt. I want to experience what someone who is normal gets to experience. I want the jealousy when my kids go to be with their friends to end. I want to enjoy an hour alone without it feeling like I have no one that loves me and even worse that everyone has rejected me because I’m a piece of shit . Or feeling like my son has died because he is moving out . The grief and pain are never ending and constant and relentless . I hide it all and that’s hard too.

Please tell me there is hope for me at this point in my life because it hurts and I don’t want to hurt anymore .

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Amy Evans

Well done on getting to this point, I know it must feel painful but there is hope because you’ve recognised what the issue is. That’s the first step. I think diving into that dbt book would be your best bet. Join a dbt skills focused Facebook group so you have some support regarding understanding the skills. Remember your life is not over, it’s just beginning. When things feel overwhelming try to keep in mind that you’re at the start of this, give yourself grace and know that you are precious and worth healing.

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Tara Randels

Amy,

Your story makes me feel like I can breathe again. The pain you share is so similar to mine, I want to wrap you in a hug and hold you. I feel like you would do the same for me. Maybe that’s what we all need – a support group that holds each other and cries out together. Gentle and safe.

Thank you for sharing about your simple life and pets who saved you. I try to be the best in every area of my life, but a slowed down simple life with my cat seems so nice and relaxing. I don’t have to prove to anyone that I am okay. If I am at peace with myself then that is a life worth living.

I pray I will remember your story tomorrow, and be inspired by your soft words. It is easy to give up on hope when you’re suffering. Thank you for sharing, I wish you a kind and loving future❤️

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Amy Evans

Thank you❤️ I believe in you and your recovery. These days I am almost 41, married and have a six year old son. Al of those not possible while I was so mentally ill. I still struggle but on the farm, life is pretty simple here. I wish you all the best, you deserve it❤️

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Liesl

Nip & Amy,
Thank you for reaching out and asking questions, and for your compassion and understanding! I love this website! It’s a lifeline for me. I can attest to dbt helping immensely – it really helped me, along with Therapy and support groups.

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Nipa

Hi. I have been diagnosed with BPD this year. I have never know what this term meant before but I have always been impulsive. I had very supporting parent’s. I had multiple relationships and everytime I idealized them as God. I made wrong college choice listening to my boyfriend . After failing 1st year college mom asked me to change the college but I had my friends here so I didnt want to leave them. Who chooses friends over career but the stupid person I am,I did. Did badly in this college too.I was into substance abuse for 10 years. .Then also I got selected for Linguistics masters in a good college but listened to my brother and who said what will you do studying that,get a job so did not go for that also. I should have gotten that degree then.So at 23 I joined a sales dept call centre and I was doing good but then my then boyfriend was like this is not for you you deserve better so after coming back from out trip I just resigned without getting the proper papers. Also I have never been stable at jobs. Now I am 28 and having suicidal thoughts every now and then. I dont see the good things in life anymore. I have lost all hopes for I am a loser.I have never made any good choice but only been impulsive choosing the wrong ones. I have no goals. Man I feel like a loser. Everyday I think of suicide. But if I die my mother will be shocked to death and the society will not stop questioning her and my brother will suffer the same.My mom even in my 28 is providing me with everything. Food,money,and everything. She does all the household chords that too without us helping and she is already 63.. I dont even have to help her with anything.I have a job I joined a month back but I am not happy with that. I desperately want to kill myself and end my life but what if I don’t die and end up as a handicap? Then again I will be a burden on her. And if I die then what will happen to her after I am gone. . Me and my brother are like her two arms after my dad’s death. Me dying is her, losing her right arm. But I don’t feel like living anymore. My bad academics and instability to hold any job is just killing me. I always made bad choices and I feel I will always do the same. I regret having idealized the wrong people and taking their opinions. I regret not having listened to myself or my mother who has always showed me what the right path was. I never listened to her. Now it is all too late. Everyday I talk about dieing and my mother cannot sleep at night. She is very worried about me. I have checked with a doctor but he says there is not much that can be done. I regret ruining my career by not thinking properly but listening to others and impulsively doing. I desperately want to change my past choices but I cant. Also I cant accept my life. My friend told me it is a crime to make wrong life or career choices and you have committed that crime with yourself and now you have to live with your choices and consequences . I dont want to live to see the end of days.I dont like corporate culture. I work in a call centre at the moment.I want to go to teaching career but that will take 4 years with a masters and b.ed. so I will be 32. Even then good schools do not consider distance education as valid.Also they will want an experienced teacher not a fresher. So I will have to be very hard working ,but I am so lazy I cant think I can be that consistent . I fear the future. I have a house,a very loving parent still I want to end my life because I dont see hope for a better job where I can stick for the next x years. I don’t have a good career or academics and I am ashamed of myself. I had good marks in school but didnt choose a good college neither did I study well in that college due to substance abuse. I was never into any drugs or substance in school but made some friends in this college who made me smoke substance everyday and then I got into substance abuse when I started buying them by myself. . I wish I could go back and change things but now it is too late. I haven’t achieved anything in life and fear I wont achieve it either in the future. I dont know what I will end up doing. I desperately want to kill myself . please help me what to do.
*sorry for the long comment but I am very upset.

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Amy Evans

Hey there friend. I see you and I can see your distress. I want to reassure you that you’re not a loser, you’re suffering under the weight of a mental illness. And that’s ok. It’s ok because right now you’re here and that matters a lot.

I also want to reassure you that there is treatment for BPD, it’s called dialectical behavioural therapy, have a google and see what you can find in your area. I was able to do a group once a week for six months and also have one on one therapy. For reference I used to meet all nine diagnostic criteria, today I meet none. And I remember being in the place you’re in right now, there is healing and hope through treatment.

I too understand the impulsiveness and have done many things I deeply regret. Through dbt I learned skills that helped me accept I cannot change my past, I still have to accept things daily but that’s ok. You too can reach this place. We don’t have to live in suicidality over our past, as much as our brain tells us we do.

Ultimately you want a full life and suicide isn’t the answer to that. Suicide ends everything that could be. I say all of this having attempted three times myself and very much understand your pain. I felt that pain everyday until I entered treatment. Learning these skills truly saved my life, and I believe that it has the power to save everyone who lives with BPD.

I ask you to see yourself and life with saving and worth living. No matter how you feel now, you have amazing potential to have a great life, one beyond BPD. I believe it possible for you.

Much strength to you my friend, you’re worth it!

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Nipa

Thank you Amy but will this pain end? How do I forgive my past mistakes,the ones I have done with my carder?. I will never have a stable career.what job will I do? I cant think of anything. I don’t see consistency. Over the internet people are like BPD people cannot hold down a job. They have no career. It has scared me. Now I believe I will never have a career. Also I dont see myself doing a certain job for the next 30 years like other people. I want to have a stable job like it and be able to do it but I dont see myself being consistent. The internet says BPD people get very bored too easily in their jobs. All this is making me crazy. I dont know what job I will get or be able to do but I need to keep working jobs. Not that my family runs on my income,my mom still provides for the family so it is not that I have to have a job but I just want to have a job because if I stay idle,anxiety will kill me more. I am smoking so many cigarettes a day in all my suicidal thoughts and stress.

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Amy Evans

Without treatment, likely your pain won’t end. How could it? If you could sort this out on your own you would right? You’re not choosing to suffer but you are suffering.

What’s currently happening with your thoughts is you’re catastrophising. Meaning everything is worst case scenario. I’ll assure you that doing this is a normal part of BPD, and something we can learn to undo or not do when we learn the dbt skills,

Everything feels like a fire because there’s no regulation happening. Dbt teaches skills to help us regulate emotions. We can learn to see things in the present instead of thinking about what bad things will happen 30 years from now.

We have thought patterns that need to be examined and pulled apart. Then we learn skills to build us up and see the world through a more rational lense.

I encourage you to stay away from what’s written about people who live with BPD on the internet. Often those accounts are written by people who’ve had relationships with someone living with BPD when they’re in the thick of their illness. Not many people understand our symptoms stem from abuse and or trauma. It’s all quite negative and not accurate so please take it all with a grain of salt.

Therapy is the way forward, I encourage you to find a DBT therapist in your area.

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Nadia A

Hello Amy,
I live in Bangladesh and I have a daughter who is also suffering for bpd. She is 19 and I’m trying my best to help her out. Currently she is diagnosed bpd but unfortunately in our country I can’t find any DBT therapist. It would be great help if you could suggest me online therapist.I feel grief for the pain she is dealing with as I know it’s all because of me and the unwanted circumstances. I want my daughter to have a happy and safe life. Your story gave me hope and strength to to see my daughter in a peaceful, happy and healthy life.
Thank you in advance

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anita chopra

Thank you so much Amy. It brings so much hope. Would like to know what made you resolve to get better? That’s the most important thing to “make up your mind” to get better. What helped. I am a mother of a child with BPD. She is only 13 yrs old, in therapy and medication. I also have a pet dog. .I am there for my child in every possible way I can think of. In your opinion what are the best 2 things I can do to help her.

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Amy Evans

Hi Anita, I’m going to be honest with you. My mother was the source of a lot of my pain. She was invalidating, judgemental of everything I did and all around us. She didn’t show me support at all, she made fun of my sexuality. She exposed me to people who weren’t safe because she didn’t understand safety herself. What I needed was for her to stop us seeing our father. I needed her to believe me. I needed her to sit with me and tell me that what I’m feeling is valid, it’s ok to be sad and angry. I needed her to role model healthy relationships. I needed her to model emotion regulation instead of her using alcohol to numb things. I needed her to go to therapy so she would understand how hurt she was and how she was hurting us.

She told me when I was 18 that I had to seek therapy or I wouldn’t be able to continue living with her. So I did, but it didn’t last. I was at the end of a drug addiction and found Debbie Corso online because I decided to finally see what BPD was. It was at that point I decided I could do it too.
So a mixture of things really. Ultimately hampered by not having my mothers support.

I have met so many people in real life and online whose parents were responsible for their diagnosis. Whether it be physical abuse, or any other type, also heavy invalidation. I don’t say this to say it’s all your fault. I’ve told all of this to my own mother and she still brushes it off. I really hope you’re open to looking at things, maybe within yourself, if not then in your environment. There’s so many reasons your child is suffering and she has little responsibility at 13 for changing any of it.

I really do wish you the best on your journey with her. Dbt is the path forward, but half the work is the relationship with the person or persons who have caused this for her.

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Amy Evans

Thank you so much for reading and connecting with this. There is hope, it’s hard work but it is so worth it to be able to live free from past abuse and live in healing. My journey continues and I am still in therapy today but I’m happy to be able to keep processing and moving forward. I believe you are capable of recovery, we all are💜I wish you all the best on your journey.

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Sparrow

Oh my God.. I’m 55 and just relizing that I may have BPD. My life does not work AT ALL! I am all alone after leaving abusers and homeless trying to survive living in a van that I cant get fitted out because nobody will help me I’m d f**ked up. I ant get help because I have a dog (my hope) and hat makes it hard to do anthing because I have to care for him. I don’t know what to do.

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Amy Evans

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation now. It’s not your fault, until we know what’s happening for us or what’s happened to us, there’s little we can do than just keep living how we have been all these years. I would say to reach out to any and all
community organisations who may be able to help with your living situation. I know that your dog is probably your life line but you may want to consider rehoming them in order to save yourself. I don’t say that to be cruel or heartless. I know your dog is probably the last thing you have and the last thing you want to lose, however if it’s holding you back from getting a safe place, this is literally a trauma response. But perhaps in the thick of it it’s not possible for you, and I totally get that too. If you’re able to I would suggest doing dbt via the workbook, they’re available online for about $30. Sessions are usually upwards of $200. So doing it on your own with online support could be a way for you to get treatment for without seeing a psychologist if you can’t afford to.

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Denni

Thank you for sharing Amy! Even though I don’t know you, I am so proud of you for moving forward and all you’ve achieved. I was delighted to read you’ve met someone special, are thankful for the beauty in life around you and of your intention to not give up, but to help others in need.
Well Done!! You are an amazing woman!

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survivor

Thanks so much for sharing this, I am 18 and was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. I have been through one year of DBT and multiple other therapies… I improved so much but I am starting to relapse and just signed up to enter a new level of DBT so I am very freaked out about it! I have been self harm free for almost a year and I was last hospitalized 11 months ago. (I also have a history of suicide attempts and am diagnosed with 4 other mental illnesses.) I’ve come lightyears from my former life but sometimes I’m so close to the edge of hell I’m afraid I will fall in. Your story gives me hope. I WILL go out there and fight for my life; I WILL live to be 30! thanks so much!!!

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Andrea

Thank you for this article. You are very brave to have shared the very intimate details of your life. My son was just diagnosed with BPD and after learning about it I realized that that he was me 30 years ago. I recognize the symptoms in me, and my Mother. My brother also committed suicide at 20. I believe that there is also a genetic factor involved. I feel guilty for passing this onto my son, but know that it is something I had no control over. Just as I know that I had no control over him having the same eyes as mine. He has just started medications and see a big improvement, counselling to begin in the new year. Thank you again for sharing. One day at a time.

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Tessa

I’m so happy that you’ve found a therapist and a course of treatment that works for you. I wish you much health and happiness. Thank you for sharing your story. The beautiful thing about life is that we are the authors of our own future. I commend you for having the self-awareness to know that you can change your life for the better and find happiness in spite of your diagnosis and struggles.

My daughter has type 2 bipolar disorder. Though she was very medication compliant, she refused therapy. This past summer after several really bad episodes she finally began her search for a therapist and she found an amazing one1 Though she’s only been seeing her for the past 5 months, the change I see in my daughter is amazing. She’s so much more communicative about her feelings and is generally a much happier person. Though she knows she will always struggle with mental illness, she’s gaining tools to win over it, just like you are.

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rachie ross

Thank you. My daughter has bpd and she is now 22,but she also got lupus at 17, shes in a hard patch with bpd this week and it’s so painful to watch. Thanks for the hope xx

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Alex

Wow… This made me cry. Thank you so much for this. I am 23 years old and two days ago I was diagnosed with bpd. For as long as I can remember I have struggled and I have hope that I will be a survivor and move forward.. this article made me smile because there are days I feel I will always be alone and nobody will understand.. But I am wrong and I will make it to see 30.. I won’t leave this earth without putting up a fight…. ❤️

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Charlie

So inspiring, made me really grateful to my life. Thanks for sharing, it’s brilliant that you can voice your story so confidently.

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Jennifer

Your story is an inspiration. I am a practicing DBT clinician and plan to print your story to share with my DBT group members. Keep up the hard work! You should be so proud of yourself, your family, your accomplishments, and the life of wellness you’ve built for yourself. All the best to you!

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Amy E

Jennifer, that is great to hear. Thank you so much for your kind words and for seeing value in my story. My therapist is going to see if i can speak to a DBT group that is in my area. It’s nerve wracking but it’s where i need to be to help who i used to be. I have so much faith in the people you are teaching and DBT. Thank you for being a part of someone’s new life 🙂

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Liesl

Amy, thank you so much for sharing your story publicly. I’ve been through DBT classes myself (which I completed over 3 years ago) and am also in recovery from addictions. I’ve recently hit a rough patch and reading your story was exactly what I needed! I’m so glad to hear that you are sharing your story personally with others in DBT. The isolation of BPD is unbearable, even though (ironically) it seemed it was my only viable solution for years. I’m so glad to find your story. Bless you!

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Amy Evans

You got this! You’ve already gone through DBT, so keep going through it. Keep using your skills and giving yourself forgiveness in moments you can’t use skills. I’m still keeping on keeping on and using them every single day. All the best for your recovery💜

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Julie

Please accept my heartfelt sympathy and endless gratitude for sharing your horrific story. Few would be able to express themselves so eloquently, sharing such intimate details of their life. You are truly blessed with a gift for writing ( and so much more).

Amy, please practice your public speaking, maybe take a course in it if you can. You have so much to offer. Your writing is clear and direct, a short paper with oceans full of knowledge and information.
I can’t imagine the countless number of people you have already helped! Millions more need to hear your story, not only those who are suffering, but their loved ones and families also; as well as medical personnel, regardless of their field of expertise.

Thank you again for your inspiration and your candor. May God keep you strong.

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Amy E

Julie, thank you so much for all your support. Over the years i have seen many health professionals that have failed me and i wasn’t always aware of it. I really do hope that my story inspires people to seek help or look at how they can help someone else.

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Charlotte Victoria

Hey Amy. I needed to see this tonight. I got my diagnosis when I was 23, I’m 28 next month. Sometimes I feel like I’m never moving forward, the water is too murky when looking back- trying to see how far I have came. Wondering if I’ll ever get better. Heal. Seeing your post tonight, the way you describe the simple joy in being alive, I cried. You’ve truly reached me with your words. Thank you x

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Amy Evans

Hi Charlotte, you got this! BPD is a long road with its twists and turns all being individual to us. As of a couple of years ago since writing this article I no longer meet enough criteria for the diagnosis. So I know it’s possible for you too. I acknowledge it’s a lot of hard emotional work, but if you can stick with it, it will ultimately change your life. You can do this, I fully believe in you❤️

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Suzanne Brown

Thank you so much for your encouraging testimony. I have worked with several women suffering from Boarderline Personality Disorder and so far I have seen very little success in helping them. Thank you for showing me that it is possible to recover from this. God bless you.

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Amy E

Thanks for taking the time to read my story Suzanne. I too have much hope for every person suffering from BPD and i hold them in my heart daily.

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betsy

you have had a very difficult life and have bravely steered your recovery. i wish you much happiness in the future!

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N/a

Hi. I have been diagnosed with BPD this year. I have never know what this term meant before but I have always been impulsive. I had very supporting parent’s. I had multiple relationships and everytime I idealized them as God. I made wrong college choice listening to my boyfriend . After failing 1st year college mom asked me to change the college but I had my friends here so I didnt want to leave them. Who chooses friends over career but the stupid person I am,I did. Did badly in this college too.I was into substance abuser for 10 yeas. .Then also I got selected for Linguistics masters in a good college but listened to my brother and who said what will you do studying that,get a job so did not go for that also. I should have gotten that degree then. It could have been added on my cv.So at 23 I joined a sales dept call centre and I was doing good but then my then boyfriend was like this is not for you you deserve better so after coming back from out trip I just resigned without getting the proper papers. Also I have never been stable at jobs. Now I am 28 and having suicidal thoughts every now and then. I dont see the good things in life anymore. I have lost all hopes for I am a loser.I have never made any good choice but only been impulsive choosing the ewong ones. I have no goals. Man I feel like a loser. Everyday I think of suicide. But if I die my mother will be shocked to death and the society will not stop questioning her and my brother will suffer the same.My mom even in my 28 is providing me with everything. Food,money,and everything. She does all the household chords that too without us helping and she is already 63.. I dont even have to help her with anything.I have a job I joined a month back but I am not happy with that. I desperately want to kill myself and end my life but what if I don’t die and end up as a handicap? Then again I will be a burden on her. And if I die then what will happen to her after I am gone. . Me and my brother are like her two arms after my dad’s death. Me dieing is her losing her right arm. But I don’t feel like living anymore. My bad academics and instability to hold any job is just killing me. I always made bad choices and I feel I will always do the same. I regret having idealized the wrong people and taking their opinions. I regret not having listened to myself or my mother who has always showed me what the right path was. I never listened to her. Now it is all too lage. Everyday I talk about dieing and my mother cannot sleep at night. She is very worried about me. I have checked with a doctor but he says there is not much that can be done. I regret ruining my career by not thinking properly but listening to others and impulsively doing. I desperately want to change my past choices but I cant. Also I cant accept my life. My friend told me it is a crime to make wrong life or career choices and you have committed that crime with yourself and now you have to live with your choices and consequences . I dont want to live to see the end of days.I dont like corporate culture I want to go to teaching career but that will take 4 years with a masters and b.ed. so I will be 32. then also they will want an experienced teacher not a fresher. So I will have to work very hard. I am so lazy I cant think I can be that considiten. I fear the future. I have everything I house,a very loving parent still I want to end my life because I dont see hope for a better job where I can stick for the next x years .People might feel that she has everything so what is her problem but I don’t have a good career or academics and I am ashamed of myself. I had good marks in school but didnt choose a good college neither did I study well in that college due to substance abuse. . I wish I could go back and change things but now it is too late. I haven’t achieved anything in life and fear I wont achieve it either in the future. I dont know what I will end up doing.
*sorry for the long comment but I am very upset.

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Ripa

Thank you for sharing, awareness can help many. Mental illness is difficult to dead with as it is, and when you have the shame and stigma to go with it, sometimes death feels like a blessing…. Your a strong woman, keep it up….x

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Amy E

Thank you Ripa, I am now the person i wanted to meet so desperately back in 2007. I really didn’t believe recovery was possible. I wish you all the best with your journey and thank you so much for reading and taking the time to send words of support.

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Amelia

Amy. You are an inspiration to so many others, both individuals and family members, who struggle with this battle every day. God bless.

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Amy E

Thank you Amelia for your kind words of support, and for taking time to read my story.

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Dolores

Dear Amy, huge and heartfelt congratulations on turning your life around. You are a real inspiration and should definitely speak out to let others hear your positive story.

Have you thought about contacting TED.com? They have a lot of truly inspirational speakers and a very wide audience via their podcasts, and I’m sure you could bring hope and light to SO MANY people out there who are struggling with BPD, depression and suicide.

Congratulations and God bless you.

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Amy E

Dolores, thank you so much for your words. TED? Eeek! I am a huge fan of TED talks, they continue to inspire my recovery. I really hope that one day i could be on that stage, and maybe i need to start practicing some public speaking. The thought of that still terrifies me but ultimately i know it’s where i’d love to end up. Thank you for your suggestion and words of encouragement!

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Abi

You have been through such a lot and worked so hard to get to where you are today. I’m so happy for you that you have at last found some peace. I guess for all of us with BPD the struggles are lifelong, and that using DBT skills every day are the best solution to keep ourselves stable. Never give up XXXX

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Amy E

Thank you for your kind words Abi, you are so correct when you say BPD is a lifelong struggle, and i have found that when i use DBT, i do suffer much less. I wish you well on your journey, if i can get through this, i know you can too. Much love to you.

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Elizabeth

Thank you for sharing your story of hope in this post. I’m happy for you about your progress! Your goal of speaking for those who suffer in silence is wonderful; you will add so much light to many lives. God bless you.

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Amy E

Thank you Elizabeth for your kind words of encouragement and support, it means a lot to me to know that even one person has read my story and sees value in the struggles i’ve been through.

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The need to feel connected to, and seen by our people is instinctive. 

THE FIX: Add in micro-connections to let them feel you seeing them, loving them, connecting with them, enjoying them:

‘I love being your mum.’
‘I love being your dad.’
‘I missed you today.’
‘I can’t wait to hang out with you at bedtime 
and read a story together.’

Or smiling at them, playing with them, 
sharing something funny, noticing something about them, ‘remembering when...’ with them.

And our adult loves need the same, as we need the same from them.♥️
Our kids need the same thing we do: to feel safe and loved through all feelings not just the convenient ones.

Gosh it’s hard though. I’ve never lost my (thinking) mind as much at anyone as I have with the people I love most in this world.

We’re human, not bricks, and even though we’re parents we still feel it big sometimes. Sometimes these feelings make it hard for us to be the people we want to be for our loves.

That’s the truth of it, and that’s the duality of being a parent. We love and we fury. We want to connect and we want to pull away. We hold it all together and sometimes we can’t.

None of this is about perfection. It’s about being human, and the best humans feel, argue, fight, reconnect, own our ‘stuff’. We keep working on growing and being more of our everythingness, just in kinder ways.

If we get it wrong, which we will, that’s okay. What’s important is the repair - as soon as we can and not selling it as their fault. Our reaction is our responsibility, not theirs. This might sound like, ‘I’m really sorry I yelled. You didn’t deserve that. I really want to hear what you have to say. Can we try again?’

Of course, none of this means ‘no boundaries’. What it means is adding warmth to the boundary. One without the other will feel unsafe - for them, us, and others.

This means making sure that we’ve claimed responsibility- the ability to respond to what’s happening. It doesn’t mean blame. It means recognising that when a young person is feeling big, they don’t have the resources to lead out of the turmoil, so we have to lead them out - not push them out.

Rather than focusing on what we want them to do, shift the focus to what we can do to bring felt safety and calm back into the space.

THEN when they’re calm talk about what’s happened, the repair, and what to do next time.

Discipline means ‘to teach’, not to punish. They will learn best when they are connected to you. Maybe there is a need for consequences, but these must be about repair and restoration. Punishment is pointless, harmful, and outdated.

Hold the boundary, add warmth. Don’t ask them to do WHEN they can’t do. Wait until they can hear you and work on what’s needed. There’s no hurry.♥️
Recently I chatted with @rebeccasparrow72 , host of ABC Listen’s brilliant podcast, ‘Parental as Anything: Teens’. I loved this chat. Bec asked all the questions that let us crack the topic right open. Our conversation was in response to a listener’s question, that I expect will be familiar to many parents in many homes. Have a listen here:
https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/parental-as-anything-with-maggie-dent/how-can-i-help-my-anxious-teen/104035562
School refusal is escalating. Something that’s troubling me is the use of the word ‘school can’t’ when talking about kids.

Stay with me.

First, let’s be clear: school refusal isn’t about won’t. It’s about can’t. Not truly can’t but felt can’t. It’s about anxiety making school feel so unsafe for a child, avoidance feels like the only option.

Here’s the problem. Language is powerful, and when we put ‘can’t’ onto a child, it tells a deficiency story about the child.

But school refusal isn’t about the child.
It’s about the environment not feeling safe enough right now, or separation from a parent not feeling safe enough right now. The ‘can’t’ isn’t about the child. It’s about an environment that can’t support the need for felt safety - yet.

This can happen in even the most loving, supportive schools. All schools are full of anxiety triggers. They need to be because anything new, hard, brave, growthful will always come with potential threats - maybe failure, judgement, shame. Even if these are so unlikely, the brain won’t care. All it will read is ‘danger’.

Of course sometimes school actually isn’t safe. Maybe peer relationships are tricky. Maybe teachers are shouty and still using outdated ways to manage behaviour. Maybe sensory needs aren’t met.

Most of the time though it’s not actual threat but ’felt threat’.

The deficiency isn’t with the child. It’s with the environment. The question isn’t how do we get rid of their anxiety. It’s how do we make the environment feel safe enough so they can feel supported enough to handle the discomfort of their anxiety.

We can throw all the resources we want at the child, but:

- if the parent doesn’t believe the child is safe enough, cared for enough, capable enough; or

- if school can’t provide enough felt safety for the child (sensory accommodations, safe peer relationships, at least one predictable adult the child feels safe with and cared for by),

that child will not feel safe enough.

To help kids feel safe and happy at school, we have to recognise that it’s the environment that needs changing, not the child. This doesn’t mean the environment is wrong. It’s about making it feel more right for this child.♥️
Such a beautiful 60 second wrap of my night with parents and carers in Hastings, New Zealand talking about building courage and resilience in young people. Because that’s how courage happens - it builds, little bit by little bit, and never feeling like ‘brave’ but as anxiety. Thank you @healhealthandwellbeing for bringing us together happen.♥️

…

Original post by @healhealthandwellbeing:
🌟 Thank You for Your Support! 🌟

A huge thank you to everyone who joined us for the "Building Courage and Resilience" talk with the amazing  Karen Young - Hey Sigmund. Your support for Heal, our new charity focused on community health and wellbeing, means the world to us!

It was incredible to see so many of you come together while at the same time being able to support this cause and help us build a stronger, more resilient community.

A special shoutout to Anna Catley from Anna Cudby Videography for creating some fantastic footage Your work has captured the essence of this event perfectly ! To the team Toitoi - Hawke's Bay Arts & Events Centre thank you for always making things so easy ❤️ 

Follow @healhealthandwellbeing for updates and news of events. Much more to come!
 

#Heal #CommunityHealth #CourageAndResilience #KarenYoung #ThankYou

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