by Rebecca Perkins

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The Real Definition of Courage

The Real Definition of Courage
By Rebecca Perkins

We take so much of our strength and resilience for granted. Courage isn’t about being a battle-ready soldier; some days there is courage in saying, “tomorrow is another day”. We show courage on a daily basis because our lives and the lives of those we love matter to us.

When we feel deeply passionate about something, we find courage easily — for example we find superhuman strength to protect our children. So let us find that same passion and courage for ourselves, trusting that whatever our circumstances are right now (and regardless of whether we feel courageous), we can find a valuable seam of courage if we dig just below the surface.

I’ve kept the quote by Mary Anne Radmacher close to my heart, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the silent voice at the end of the day that says ‘I will try again tomorrow’.”

I’ve been called courageous, resilient and brave many times in my life. (I’ve also been called naive, foolish and crazy!) I want to put the record straight.  We are all courageous, I am no different to you. I was asked one day by a friend, “how to you do it? I just don’t have your courage.” I thought about it when I got home, I didn’t see myself as particularly courageous, but it got me thinking about the meaning of courage and what it meant to me and I wrote down these thoughts in my journal:

  • Courage is saying sorry
  • Courage is knowing when to say ‘enough’
  • Courage is saying I love you
  • Courage is saying yes
  • Courage is saying no
  • Courage is being truthful with oneself
  • Courage is knowing that we screwed up
  • Courage is admitting we can’t cope alone
  • Courage is letting go
  • Courage is reaching out
  • Courage is standing up for something we believe in
  • Courage is burning our boats and never going back
  • Courage is doing something new
  • Courage is being willing to receive
  • Courage is trusting someone again
  • Courage is choosing love over fear
  • Courage is standing up for oneself
  • Courage is choosing to truly live
  • Courage is  learning to love again
  • Courage is believing in oneself for the first time
  • Courage is being vulnerable
  • Courage is breaking with tradition
  • Courage is asking for help
  • Courage is stopping to rest
  • Courage is letting the tears flow
  • Courage is continuing through adversity
  • Courage is trusting that all will be well

Do you see? We are ALL courageous in our own way. What’s the smallest possible step you could take to believe in your own courage?

This first appeared as one of the chapters in Best Knickers Always: 50 Lessons for Midlife

About the Author: Rebecca Perkins

Rebecca Perkins is the author of Best Knickers Always: 50 Lessons for Midlife and founder of RebPerkins.com. Her latest book 40 Words of Wisdom for my 24 Year Old: A Parenting Manifesto (originally a Huffington Post blog) was published in April.

 She began writing to make sense of her life after the ending of her 20 year marriage. Rebecca is a NLP Master Practitioner and Personal Performance Coach working with women to navigate the transition of midlife. She is passionate about midlife as a time for renewal and for living the second half of life with enthusiasm and vigour.

 As a coach she is challenging and fun, motivating and inspiring. Midlife has taught her to be open-minded, to take more risks, to enjoy the simple things and to live each and every day with the question, ‘If not now, when?’ She lives in London and enjoys supporting and being surrounded by her children, spending time with her guy and celebrating life after 50.

 You can contact Rebecca via her website and follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest as well as YouTube.

 

 

 

 

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Too many students are being stifled by anxiety, and this number is on the rise.

Far from being ‘another anxiety workshop’, this comprehensive approach will draw on neuroscience, evidence-based strategies, and highly respected therapeutic models in developing a fresh, impactful approach to working with anxiety in young people.

We will explore anxiety from the ground up, developing a ‘roadmap’ for a therapeutic response to anxiety that will include key information, powerful strategies, and new responses to anxiety to effect immediate and long-term change.

This workshop is for anyone who works with young people in any capacity.

Includes full catering, handbook and PD certificate.

For the full range of workshops in Australia and New Zealand, see the link in the bio.♥️

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Feb 5

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Too many students are being stifled by anxiety, and this number is on the rise. Far from being ‘another anxiety workshop’, this comprehensive approach will draw on neuroscience, evidence-based strategies, and highly respected therapeutic models in developing a fresh, impactful approach to working with anxiety in young people. We will explore anxiety from the ground up, developing a ‘roadmap’ for a therapeutic response to anxiety that will include key information, powerful strategies, and new responses to anxiety to effect immediate and long-term change. This workshop is for anyone who works with young people in any capacity. Includes full catering, handbook and PD certificate. For the full range of workshops in Australia and New Zealand, see the link in the bio.♥️

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Relationship first, then learning and behaviour will follow. It can’t be any other way.

Anxious brains can’t learn, and brains that don’t feel safe will organise young bodies (all bodies) for fight, flight (avoidance, refusal, disengagement, perfectionism), or shutdown.

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Yet, we are asking more and more of our teachers. The more procedural or curriculum demands we place on teachers, the more we steal the time they need to build relationships - the most powerful tool of their trade.

There is no procedure or reporting that can take the place of relationship in terms of ensuring a child’s capacity to learn and be calm.

There are two spaces that teachers occupy. Sometimes they can happen together. Sometimes one has to happen first.

The first is the space that lets them build relationship. The second is the space that lets them teach kids and manage a classroom. The second will happen best when there is an opportunity to fully attend to the first.

There is an opportunity cost to everything. It isn’t about relationships OR learning. It’s relationships AND learning. Sometimes it’s relationships THEN learning.

The best way we can support kids to learn and to feel calm, is to support teachers with the space, time, and support to build relationships.

The great teachers already know this. What’s getting in the way isn’t their capacity or their will to build relationships, but the increasing demands that insist they shift more attention to grades, curriculum, reporting, and ‘managing’ behaviour without the available resources to build greater physical (sensory, movement) and relational safety (connection, play, joy, belonging).

Relationships first, then the rest will follow.♥️

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Feb 4

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Relationship first, then learning and behaviour will follow. It can’t be any other way. Anxious brains can’t learn, and brains that don’t feel safe will organise young bodies (all bodies) for fight, flight (avoidance, refusal, disengagement, perfectionism), or shutdown. Without connection, warmth, a sense of belonging, feeling welcome, moments of joy, play, and levity, relational safety will be compromised, which will compromise learning and behaviour. It’s just how it is. Decades of research and experience are shouting this at us. Yet, we are asking more and more of our teachers. The more procedural or curriculum demands we place on teachers, the more we steal the time they need to build relationships - the most powerful tool of their trade. There is no procedure or reporting that can take the place of relationship in terms of ensuring a child’s capacity to learn and be calm. There are two spaces that teachers occupy. Sometimes they can happen together. Sometimes one has to happen first. The first is the space that lets them build relationship. The second is the space that lets them teach kids and manage a classroom. The second will happen best when there is an opportunity to fully attend to the first. There is an opportunity cost to everything. It isn’t about relationships OR learning. It’s relationships AND learning. Sometimes it’s relationships THEN learning. The best way we can support kids to learn and to feel calm, is to support teachers with the space, time, and support to build relationships. The great teachers already know this. What’s getting in the way isn’t their capacity or their will to build relationships, but the increasing demands that insist they shift more attention to grades, curriculum, reporting, and ‘managing’ behaviour without the available resources to build greater physical (sensory, movement) and relational safety (connection, play, joy, belonging). Relationships first, then the rest will follow.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

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Then, we lead. Our response will lead theirs, not just this time, but well into the future.

If we support avoidance, their need to avoid will grow. The message we send is, ‘Maybe you aren’t safe here. Maybe you can’t handle this. Maybe your anxiety is telling the truth.’

Of course, if they truly aren’t safe, then avoidance is important.

But if they are safe and we support avoidance, we are inadvertently teaching them to avoid anything that comes with anxiety - and all brave, new, hard, important things will come with anxiety.

Think about job interviews, meeting new people, first dates, approaching someone to say sorry, saying no - all of these will come with anxiety.

The experiences they have now in being able to move forward with anxiety in scary-safe situations (like school) will breathe life into their capacity to do the hard, important things that will nourish and grow them for the rest of their lives. First though, they will be watching you for signs as to whether or not anxiety is a stop sign or a warning. The key to loving bravely and wholly is knowing the difference.

Teach them to ask themselves, ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger? (Is this scary dangerous?) Or because there’s something brave, new, hard, important I need to do. (Is this scary-safe?). Then, ‘Is this a time to be safe or brave?’

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It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they are forward.♥️

View

Jan 28

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Love and lead. First, we love. Validation lets them know we see them. Validation is a presence, not a speech. It’s showing our willingness to sit with them in the ‘big’ of it all, without needing to talk them out of how they feel. It says, ‘I see you. I believe you that this feels big. Bring your feelings to me, because I can look after you through all of it.’ Then, we lead. Our response will lead theirs, not just this time, but well into the future. If we support avoidance, their need to avoid will grow. The message we send is, ‘Maybe you aren’t safe here. Maybe you can’t handle this. Maybe your anxiety is telling the truth.’ Of course, if they truly aren’t safe, then avoidance is important. But if they are safe and we support avoidance, we are inadvertently teaching them to avoid anything that comes with anxiety - and all brave, new, hard, important things will come with anxiety. Think about job interviews, meeting new people, first dates, approaching someone to say sorry, saying no - all of these will come with anxiety. The experiences they have now in being able to move forward with anxiety in scary-safe situations (like school) will breathe life into their capacity to do the hard, important things that will nourish and grow them for the rest of their lives. First though, they will be watching you for signs as to whether or not anxiety is a stop sign or a warning. The key to loving bravely and wholly is knowing the difference. Teach them to ask themselves, ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger? (Is this scary dangerous?) Or because there’s something brave, new, hard, important I need to do. (Is this scary-safe?). Then, ‘Is this a time to be safe or brave?’ To show them we believe they are safe and capable, try, ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this.’ Then, give them a squeeze, hand them to a trusted adult, and give them a quick, confident goodbye. Their tears won’t hurt them, as long as they aren’t alone in their tears. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they are forward.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

I`m so excited to be speaking about separation anxiety at the Childhood Potential Online Montessori Conference.

The conference will involve conversations with over 40 other experts, and will take place from 27-31 January 2025. This is for anyone who is an important adult to a young child or toddler.

I`d love you to join me. See more here
: http://childhoodpotential.com/?a_box=ncw8h43m&a_cam=1

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Jan 28

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I'm so excited to be speaking about separation anxiety at the Childhood Potential Online Montessori Conference. The conference will involve conversations with over 40 other experts, and will take place from 27-31 January 2025. This is for anyone who is an important adult to a young child or toddler. I'd love you to join me. See more here : http://childhoodpotential.com/?a_box=ncw8h43m&a_cam=1

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