Hardwiring for Happiness. How We Can Change Our Brain, Mind & Personality.

Hardwiring for Happiness: How We Can Change Our Brain, Mind and Personality

We’ve always known that the human brain is pretty excellent – but with research in the field of neuroplasticity, it just keeps getting better. Neuroplasticity refers to the capacity of the brain to heal itself, grow new neurons and be shaped by our deliberate efforts. The science is gathering huge momentum in the mainstream, and well it should. Some things are just too good to keep quiet. 

Positive mental experiences such as happiness, compassion and accomplishment (to name a few) can actually change our brain structure. The more we can fully experience positive feelings, the more those experiences can be hardwired into our brain and have a lasting effect. This is important. Let me explain why. 

There’s this thing we humans do that tends to bring us unstuck and it’s this: We pay attention to bad information quicker than we pay attention to the good. Bad feelings, bad experiences, bad feedback – we’re drawn to it and tend to let it stick to the insides of our head like honey – thick, sticky and hard to shift just by wishing it would go.

Like positive experiences, negative experiences will also change the structure of our brain – but even more so than anything positive will.  If we have a good experience and an equally powerful bad one – it’s the bad one that will curl around our thoughts and keep us up up at night.

Try this quick test: Imagine that you’ve won $1,000 – a crispy pile of good looking notes just for you. How would that feel? Well of course it would feel brilliant, right? Now imagine that you’ve lost $1,000. Gone. Just like that. Never coming back. How does that feel? It’s very likely that your distress around losing the money would outweigh the happiness you would feel about winning it. That’s the negativity bias. And it’s real. We all do it – anyone who is any version of human.  

A negative bias? Why oh why?

Once upon a time the negativity bias would have been a lifesaver – literally. The existence of the negativity bias makes sense when you think of it in evolutionary terms. Paying attention to the bad would have served our ancestors well, keeping them safe from wild animals and any other potential threat. It would have been much more important for them to stay clear of danger (by paying attention to warnings from the environment) than to pay attention to the things that made them feel good. Fast forward to a time where we’re less likely to be dinner, and the negativity bias is not as useful as it once may have been.

Here’s the good news: We can actually diminish the effect of the negativity bias.

Wiring our brain for happiness.

Yep. We actually can. Here’s how:

  1. Feel the good. (AND enjoy it.)

    This method is based on the work of neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, PhD. By creating an experience that feels good and then staying with the feeling for 10 to 20 seconds, we can actually change our brain. Change. Our. Brain. (Things that make you go, ‘What!’). After 10 to 20 seconds, the thought starts to change into an experience and the more often we do this, the more that positive experience will be hardwired into our brain. There are three steps to this:

    1.  Have a good experience.  This can be as simple as thinking about something that makes you happy. It could be someone who loves you, or who you love. A pet. A text that thrilled you. It doesn’t have to be big, it just has to make you feel good.

    2.  Enrich the experience. Let the experience grow. Enjoy it and allow yourself to feel the full effect of it for 10-20 seconds.

    3. Absorb it. Feel it sinking into you and let it become a part of you. After a short while, the thought will change into a feeling. This is where your neurons start to fire and the experience becomes wired into your brain.

    One 10-20 second experience won’t change your life, but continuously repeating the exercise will. The more you can get your neurons firing by letting positive experiences soak into you, the more you’ll be rewiring your brain with that positive experience.  

  2. Use the good to soothe something bad.

    This is another one from the work of Dr Rick Hanson. Link the positive experience you have with something negative. You don’t want to be swept away by the negative so you have to be gentle with this. Don’t start with a negative experience that’s highly charged, at least until you get used to this technique.

    After you’ve done steps 1-3 above (have the experience, enrich, absorb), here’s something else to try. Link  something negative that you’d like to soften, to your positive feeling. It’s important to stay strong with the positive to avoid having the negative take over. Bring in the negative while your experiencing the positive. Let them happen together. When you’re ready, let the positive move into the negative and soothe it. Keep strong with the positive and don’t let the negative take over. Slowly, let the negative be softened by your positive experience. This method can be used to heal old pain.

  3. Keep a gratitude journal. (I know. Everyone’s telling you to do this, right? And with good reason.)

    Gratitude is heroic. It just is. It can ease stress, anxiety and depression and supercharge relationships – amongst other things.

    Sometime during the day, write down three things you’re grateful for. This will orient you towards appreciating what you have, rather than wishing for what you don’t. It’s powerful. Rather than writing them down and closing your book, stay with them for 10-20 seconds so the appreciation you feel can find it’s way into you. Don’t be teflon for your happy thoughts. Stay with them, feel them and let the feelings that go with them settle into you.

  4. 5:1 (The ratio to remember. 5 good experiences to every bad.) 

    It takes five positive experiences to neutralise a negative one. This goes for anything that happens to you personally and in your relationships. Now that you know about the negativity bias, you’ll understand why sometimes relationships need an extra hard push to get them out of a rut. 5:1 is an average figure. Of course, if the negative emotional experience is a solid one, need more than five. It’s also the reason relationships need an average of 5 good experiences to neutralise the effect of every one bad experience – because we’re wired to pay attention to the bad.

  5. Have your ‘happy stuff’ ready and waiting.

    Negative things aren’t always going to come with a glaring warning and a permission note. They’re just not. Be ready when they do come by having a store of positive things to neutralise them. This is a gem by happiness expert, Gretchen Rubin. Find the happy things that work for you and keep them within easy reach. Maybe it’s a memory, a text from someone wonderful, a quote or a photo on your phone. Anything that will quickly lift your mood when it’s knocked around a little.  For me it’s words. I have the words – quotes – that lift me when something bad comes at me with its slap hand ready. Music works for me too. Find what it is for you and keep it within easy reach. Maybe it’s a memory, a text from someone wonderful, a quote or a photo on your phone. Anything that will quickly lift your mood when it’s knocked around a little.  

  6. Do something physical.

    Exercise works in a couple of ways to neutralise the negative bias. First, exercise causes endorphins to be released. These are the feel good chemicals and they can work towards reversing the negative effect of a bad experience. If it’s hard to change your mind from negative to positive, let your brain look after itself by unlocking its happy hormones. Second, exercise in itself is a good experience. When you’re done, let yourself feel proud and accomplished for having done something good for yourself. You know how this works. Savour the experience for long enough to have it melt into you.

In the same way that lots of little bad things will add up and sweep us away before we know it, lots of good little things will add up to something bigger if we let it. We just have to be more deliberate with the good ones. Good change doesn’t often come with fireworks. It happens moment by moment, little by little.

It’s not the big moments that make our lives breathe. It’s the little ones – the little ones that could slip by us no trouble at all and the little ones we can learn to control. The more little moments we make our own and use them with purpose, the more we can direct ourselves to head in the direction of something wonderful.

(Image Credit: Unsplash | Bao-Quan Nguyen)

33 Comments

Janet

I am so glad I have found this site. I am trying to retrain my brain. I have depression and anxiety. Medicine can only do so much.
I am trying not to let fear take over my life and thoughts. To think positive and stay in the moment. Trying to make myself do things. This is really hard. Because I don’t want to go out of my house. Once I get out of the house I am fine. Baby steps.

Reply
Hey Sigmund

Janet, I’m so glad you found this site too. I can hear the strength in you. You know what to do and as hard as it is you are doing it. That takes guts. You’re so right about the baby steps – it’s the only way. It doesn’t matter how tiny or slow the steps are, what matters is that you are taking them.

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Ang Honeyb

I’m so appreciative (gratitude) to have access to such inspiring material. As a therapist I encourage my clients to focus on the positive & to keep a gratitude journal but I don’t always ‘practice what I preach’.
Whenever I read a post on here it really helps to ‘ground me’ & shift my focus to what’s important in MY life. Thank you so much.

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Broderick

Thank you for writing such insightful and easy to understand articles, with suggestions I can use for myself and others. I am a father of two, a Strength & Conditioning Coach for young athletes, and a Mindfulness practitioner. I incorporate Mindfulness techniques into my training programs, encouraging young athletes to be more mentally resilient, positive, etc.

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Hey Sigmund

I’m so pleased you’re finding the articles useful.Thank you for letting me know! I’m such a huge fan of mindfulness – it can make such a difference, can’t it. I I always love to hear about the different ways it’s being used.

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Tanya

I breathe when I read these articles. Such a wealth of information. At the moment I am struggling to find ways to help my eldest child and am so grateful to have stumbled across this site. We now have a starting point. Thank you

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Jenn James

I am a parent coach and will be starting a blog soon. What is the procedure to share these excellent articles on one’s blog?

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Brian

Instead of writing a gratitude journal, we talk as a family at dinner, each taking a turn telling things that made them happy today. My 11 yr old didn’t like it at first, however he is slowing coming around.

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Mati

Grateful for this website and these daily accessible and abundantly helpful articles. Who can’t use a roadmap toward good mental health? Thank you for helping to heal our broken world, one article at a time.

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Shelly Brockman

I love this article, Karen. One of the first things I have my clients do is take a happiness inventory. It’s amazing how bringing awareness can so dramatically shift your focus. I always enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙂

Reply
heysigmund

Thanks Shelly. A happiness inventory – what a great idea. Awareness is so key to change isn’t it. So pleased you’re enjoying the posts!

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Chris

Great article. I love your site. newsletter, and 30 day journey!
Rick Hansen’s book “Buddha’s Brain” is great at explaining the process of neuroplasticity. Dr Herbert Benson’s work from the early 70’s also talked about the power of positive emotions to get you to the Relaxation Response; and The Institute of HeartMath research shows the power of Heart Energy. So nice to have science getting on board with what native cultures have known for centuries. Thank you for such wonderful insight stated so well!

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heysigmund

Thank you. I’m so pleased you found us here. It’s interesting isn’t it that there’s so much scientific attention around now on practices that have been around for centuries. It’s so good to see that science is finally opening up to it. There so much more to learn and the ancient practices have so much to teach us – there’s a reason they’ve been around for as long as they have. Thank you for taking the time to let me know about the research.

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Nelly

I’ve been feeling rather ungrateful of late. Thank you for tips on how to create a better space for me and those around me

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Kate

I’m feeling very grateful for having access to information such as this. Thank you. At the age of 43, I’m learning so much more about the brain and mind which I can then pass on to my children.

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heysigmund

I’m so pleased you’re finding the articles useful. You’re kids are really lucky to have the benefit of your openness to the information.

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Rashmi

I loved this post. U r doing a great service in these times when family is living in different countries and so many of us have to fend for our own support system — such measures are certainly helpful.
Thanks a lot

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sarita cupp

i love your website! as an educator and parent and human I find your articles very enlightening!

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heysigmund

Thank you. It’s easy to do isn’t it, fall of the gratitude journal – I’ve done it myself! Good to have a reminder – they seem to come along when you need them. Glad you’re back on board!

Reply

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Thanks so much @maggiedentauthor♥️…
“Karen Young - Hey Sigmund has such a wonderful way with words especially around anxiety. This is her latest beautiful picture book that explains anxiety through the lens of the Polyvagal theory using the metaphor of a house. This shows how sometimes anxiety can be hard to notice. I think this book can help kids and teens better understand stress and anxiety. I loved it! This would be great for homes, schools and in libraries.
Congratulations Karen.💛”
Of course we love them, no matter what - but they need to feel us loving them, no matter what. Especially when they are acting in unlovable ways, or saying unlovable things. Especially then.

This is not ‘rewarding bad behaviour’. To think this assumes that they want to behave badly. They don’t. What they want is to feel calm and safe again, but in that moment they don’t have the skills to do that themselves, so they need us to help them. 

It’s leading with love. It’s showing up, even when it’s hard. The more connected they feel to us, the more capacity we will have to lead them - back to calm, into better choices, towards claiming their space in the world kindly, respectfully, and with strength. 

This is not about dropping the boundary, but about holding it lovingly, ‘I can see you’re doing it tough right now. I’m right here. No, I won’t let you [name the boundary]. I’m right here. You’re not in trouble. We’ll get through this together.’

If you’re not sure what they need, ask them (when they are calm), ‘When you get upset/ angry/ anxious, what could I do that would help you feel loved and cared for in that moment? And this doesn’t mean saying ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ situation. What can I do to make the no easier to handle? What do I do that makes it harder?’♥️
Believe them AND believe in them. 

‘Yes this is hard. I know how much you don’t want to do this. It feels big doesn’t it. And I know you can do big things, even when it feels like you can’t. How can I help?’

They won’t believe in themselves until we show them what they are capable of. For this, we’ll have to believe in their ‘can’ more than they believe in their ‘can’t’.♥️
Sometimes it feels as though how we feel directs what we do, but it also works the other way: What we do will direct how we feel. 

When we avoid, we feel more anxious, and a bigger need to avoid. But when we do brave - and it only needs to be a teeny brave step - we feel brave. The braver we do, the braver we feel, and the braver we do… This is how we build brave - with tiny, tiny uncertain steps. 

So, tell me how you feel. All feelings are okay to be there. Now tell me what you like to do if your brave felt a little bigger. What tiny step can we take towards that. Because that brave is always in you. Always. And when you take the first step, your brave will rise bigger to meet you.♥️
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#anxietyinkids #consciousparenting #parentingtips #gentleparent #parentinglife #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #heywarrior
If anxiety has had extra big teeth lately, I know how brutal this feels. I really do. Think of it as the invitation to strengthen your young ones against anxiety. It’s not the disappearance of brave, or the retreat of brave. It’s the invitation to build their brave.

This is because the strengthening against anxiety happens only with experience. When the experience is in front of you, it can feel like bloodshed. I know that. I really do. But this is when we fight for them and with them - to show them they can do this.

The need to support their avoidance can feel relentless. But as long as they are safe, we don’t need to hold them back. We’ll want to, and they’ll want us to, but we don’t need to. 

Handling the distress of anxiety IS the work. Anxiety isn’t the disruption to building brave, it’s the invitation to build brave. As their important adult who knows they are capable, strong, and brave, you are the one to help them do that.

The amygdala only learns from experience - for better or worse. So the more they avoid, the more the amygdala learns that the thing they are avoiding is ‘unsafe’, and it will continue to drive a big fight (anger, distress) or flight (avoidance) response. 

On the other hand, when they stay with the discomfort of anxiety - and they only need to stay with it for a little longer each time (tiny steps count as big steps with anxiety) - the amygdala learns that it’s okay to move forward. It’s safe enough.

This learning won’t happen quickly or easily though. In fact, it will probably get worse before it gets better. This is part of the process of strengthening them against anxiety, not a disruption to it. 

As long as they are safe, their anxiety and the discomfort of that anxiety won’t hurt them. 
What’s important making sure they don’t feel alone in their distress. We can do this with validation, which shows our emotional availability. 

They also need to feel us holding the boundary, by not supporting their avoidance. This sends the message that we trust their capacity to handle this.

‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this. What would feel brave right now?’♥️

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