The Envelope Please: How to Accept College Hits and Misses

When the college admission process is in full swing, you and your kids will be making decisions that can impact their whole lives. So – what should you do if your kid gets the upsetting news that they did not get into their first choice school– or even their second? What if your child didn’t get into college at all or decides simply not to go? Well, take a big breath and think how you can help support your kid through this difficult process.

College rejections can pose a major disappointment for your child. They can also be a huge blow to you. Your initial reaction might be to downplay the importance of the event but instead, you should help your child put it in perspective and give them time to feel bad. You should recognize the fact that, if nothing else, your child is likely embarrassed. It’s hard to face those letters of rejection at the same time their friends are happily flaunting their letters of acceptance. Acknowledge the disappointment, the anger, the embarrassment and let your kid feel the pain. You can’t solve this for them – you can support them and help them find a solution, but you can’t control the outcome.

Dealing with  college rejection – taking it one step at a time.

Providing perspective.

As with any disappointment for you and your child, it’s important to get a grip. First, this isn’t do or die – there are always options. Is there perhaps a second, third or fourth choice school that’s worth looking into?

Embracing the gap.

Maybe your child should consider taking a year off and trying again. Taking time off between high school and college doesn’t mean your child will never go to college. Not to worry. A year off can be instrumental in helping your child focus on their interests and career path. However, parents must help to set expectations, so that the gap year doesn’t turn into a subsidized vacation. There should be goals and a timeline firmly set and adhered to.

Waiting it out.

If your child still wants to hit the books directly after high school, then it would be wise to check out wait lists and transfer policies for their top-choice schools. And, if you haven’t already investigated your local (or non local) community colleges, this is a great time to do that. There are also a variety of high-quality community colleges out there where your student can start their college credits. Remember, college is pricey, and a two-year program may be an affordable option and an opportunity for your student to explore different courses of study. These are a fantastic option for financial reasons, and also for kids who are struggling with the transition for various reasons.

Forward thinking.

Help your student understand that they have choices – even if they aren’t the ones they’d hoped for or anticipated. This decision process should be a priority, but it doesn’t have to suck up every conversation that you have. Shift your thinking to your available choices and what makes them special, not about what you can’t have. Help your child look forward – no use in looking back and blaming themselves now for a low test score or a late paper as the reason for the rejection. The truth is rejection feels awful – but when your child gets through it they will develop resilience and know they can handle it – even if they don’t want to.

Opting out.

And what if your child announces, “I don’t want to go to college?” This can be a harsh wake-up call for parents. We often have dreams for our kids that they may not share. Face it. College might not be for your 18-year old. I would encourage you to have a conversation about it – make it clear what you expect and hope for your child and keep an open mind. Really listen. Is this a passing moment, merely a reaction to the acceptance and rejection letter? Is this fear-driven by the anxiety of the college process or leaving home? You should discuss each and every one of those issues. Try to remain calm as you talk through the decision. And, if you feel it’s being made for the right reasons, support it. And keep in mind, this is not necessarily a final decision. . There are options for kids who aren’t ready for college and they should be researched and seriously considered. College is a huge investment of time and money and should not be pursued, at this time, if the student is not up for the challenge. And who knows? This could lead to a different positive opportunity.

This is your child’s journey – you are there to support and advise. Be a sounding board, acknowledge their excitement, disappointment, curiosity, anxiety, and fear. For your own mental wellbeing, and your child’s, it’s best to embrace this like a new adventure. Whatever the decision, it will represent your child’s next big step into independence – and there are many paths they can take, not just the one you’d envisioned. So I urge you to be flexible, responsive, supportive and to always enjoy the ride.


About the Author: Dr Amy Alamar

Amy Alamar, EdD, has worked in the field of education as a teacher, teacher educator, researcher, parent educator, and education reformer for over fifteen years. In late 2014, Amy wrote Parenting for the Genius: Developing Confidence in Your Parenting through Reflective Practice. The book is a comprehensive guide to becoming the most thoughtful and confident parent possible, with anecdotes and details relating to the guidance and support of children from infant to young adult. In 2016, Amy was an invited guest of Michelle Obama at the White House for a conversation about kids’ health. Amy is also a contributing author to the Disney parenting website, Babble.com and a parent support specialist with Yellowbrick.me. Amy is married and the mother of three children whom she learns from and enjoys each and every day. She is a resident of Avon, CT, where she serves on the board of the Avon Education Foundation, dedicated to promoting and enhancing excellence in education. Find out more about Amy and her work by visiting her website, amyalamar.com.

One Comment

OK Essay

State schools often disadvantage students by writing short and brutally honest evaluations of their strengths and weaknesses. I was a hall tutor at Bristol University some years ago and the references from the private schools were more detailed and (in general) more glowing than those from state schools. At the very least state schools should be writing more detailed, focused and more informed references. They should think about the skill set required by the university and write a reference based on that. A lot of the references I saw were vague and related to whether x was a nice kid or not rather than innate ability and other qualities.

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Faces so often say so more than our words ever could. Even more than words and behaviour, faces tell the story of where we (and our nervous systems) are right now. Receive their joyful faces and their brave faces. Their scared faces and their sad faces. When their words are spicy and big their behaviour is bigger, receive their faces. Their faces won’t lie. And neither do ours. By receiving their faces it will open the way to show them, ‘I see you. I feel you. I’m with you.’♥️
Parenting was never meant to be about perfection. Neither was growing up. The messy times are so often where the growth happens - theirs and ours - but this can only happen if we can be with ourselves through the mess, with an open heart and an open mind. But this can be so hard some days! 

Let’s start by shoving the idea of perfect parenting out the door and let’s do that with full force. Perfection. Ugh. Let’s not do that to ourselves and let’s not do that to our young loves. It’s okay for them to see our imperfections, and it’s okay for them to lay theirs bare in front of us. We won’t break them if we yell sometimes. They will learn from our mistakes, and we will learn from theirs.♥️
If the feelings that send them ‘small’ don’t feel safe or supported, the ‘big’ of anger will step in. This doesn’t mean they aren’t actually safe or supported - it’s about what the brain perceives. 

Let them see that you can handle them in all their feelings. Breathe and be with - through their tears, or confusion, or lostness. Just let their feelings come, and let them be. Feelings heal when they’re felt. Big feelings don’t hurt children. What hurts is being alone in the feelings. Your strong, loving presence, your willingness to be with without needing them to be different, and certainty that they’ll get through this will hold them steady through the storm. If they don’t want you near them, that’s okay too. Let them know you’re they’re if they need.♥️
Brains love keeping us alive. They adore it actually. Their most important job is to keep us safe. This is above behaviour, relationships, and learning - except as these relate to safety. 

Safety isn’t about what is actually safe, but about what the brain perceives. Unless a brain feels safe, it won’t be as able to learn, connect, regulate, make good decisions, think through consequences. 

Young brains (all brains actually) feel safest when they feel connected to, and cared about by, their important adults.  This means that for us to have any influence on our kids and teens, we first need to make sure they feel safe and connected to us. 

This goes for any adult who wants to lead, guide or teach a young person - parents, teachers, grandparents, coaches. Children or teens can only learn from us if they feel connected to us. They’re no different to us. If we feel as though someone is angry or indifferent with us we’re more focused on that, and what needs to happen to avoid humiliation or judgement, or how to feel loved and connected again, than anything else. 

We won’t have influence if we don’t have connection. Connection let’s us do our job - whether that’s the job of parenting, teaching - anything. It helps the brain feel safe, so it will then be free to learn.♥️
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#parenting #parentingforward #parentingtips #mindfulparenting
The stories we tell ourselves influence how we feel and what we do. This happens to all of us. These stories can be influenced by our mood, history, stress - so many things that are outside of what’s actually happening. 

When our children are in distress, this will start to create distress in us. The idea of this is to mobilise us to protect, but when that distress happens in the absence of a ‘real’ threat, it can throw us into fight or flight. This can influence the story we tell ourselves. This is really normal.

Whenever you can, pause, and be open to a different story. It won’t necessarily make the behaviour okay, but it will make it easier to give your child or teen what they need in that moment - an anchor - a strong, steady, loving presence to guide them back to calm. 

When their brains and bodies are back to calm, then you can have the conversations that will grow them: what happened, what can you do differently, what can I do differently that would help?

The truth is that they are no different to us. In that moment they don’t want to be fixed. They want to feel seen, safe, and heard.♥️
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#parenting #parenthood #mindfulparenting

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