If You Are Self-Harming, Here’s What You Need to Know …

To those who are self-harming, here's what you need to know.

To the ones who are self-harming … I know you are exhausted. I know you are confused and scared and that you want this to stop. I also know that you have courage, strength and a depth of feeling that is beautifully rich and honest – and that it sometimes brings you pain.

As confusing and as painful as the thought of hurting yourself might be, when it feels as though there is no option, it is understandable that the confusing, unthinkable things become an option. It will be that way for any of us. 

Most people who self-harm keep it a secret. Secrets put a wall between people – between feeling seen, understood, loved and validated. They isolate. They have a way of breathing life into shame, guilt, confusion or loneliness that might already be causing breakage. Whether self-harm is a secret or not, here are some things you need to know.

To the ones who self-harm.

  1. You are not alone.

    The loneliness of it all feels as though it could break you some days, but you are not alone. The people who love you want to understand, but they need your help for that. Let them in. We all have battles that we need an army to help us fight.

  2. Shhh. Let you speak.

    Your experience has given you wisdom, compassion, and a view of the world that nobody else has. Your voice is powerful. You are a healer, a fighter, and a survivor. 

  3. You are the proof that you can heal.

    Your scars are evidence of your healing. If your body can heal, your mind can too.

  4. You are NOT the problem. 

    When you hurt yourself, this is not a sign that something about you is lacking, but that there is something important that the world has not been able to give you. The world can be cruel, harsh and lonely sometimes, but it is also kind, beautiful and compassionate. It might not have given you enough of what you need, but what you need is there. Fight for it. And if you are too exhausted from fighting for so long, let someone else take up the fight beside you. Whether it’s a parent, friend, partner, sister, brother, counsellor – there will be someone. You deserve this.

  5. There will be moments, minutes, days when you fall, and that’s okay.

    There are going to be steps forward and steps backward. It’s how healing is meant to be. Falling is part of the healing, it’s not the end of it. With every fall you rise stronger, wiser, braver and more capable.  

  6. Don’t give up on you.

    Somewhere in you is the part of you that knows there is a happier version of you and your life waiting for you. Find it. It’s the part of you that has the strength to fight to get you through this. 

  7. Your body is strong. Hurting, but strong.

    Your body has been with been with you through everything. Through the hopelessness, the grief, the confusion of it all. Through the firsts, the finals, the breakdowns and the breakthroughs. With best friends, no friends, fun times and pain. First days, last days and all the days in between. The loves and the losses. Your body has pulled you through and held you up. It’s healed and hurt and kept you alive. It’s helped you reach out and reach in. But it misses you.

  8. You have a good reason for doing what you’re doing, but …

    Everything we do is driven by an important need. The need is always valid, even if the behaviour we choose isn’t the best way to meet the need. Whatever happens more when you self-harm (calm? relief?), or whatever goes away (numbness? negative thoughts?), is a clue to the need in you that is hungry. Whatever the need is, it’s okay. It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else. It’s there because it’s important for it to be. The worst thing to do with a need is to keep pushing it down and taking its right to be there. Eventually, hurting yourself will stop working as a way to meet the need or distract from the need or the pain that goes with having the longing. 

  9. There is no weakness in you. None at all.

    You are brave and you are strong. You have to be to keep doing what you’re doing. To keep living life and carrying around the weight of the thoughts and feelings inside you. There is no weakness in you. Pain, sadness, grief maybe. But not weakness. None.

  10. There is strength and beauty and courage in you.  

    The people who love you know that there is strength and beauty in you. See yourself through their eyes. It’s beautiful. You are enough. You are so much more than enough. Write it down and look at it every day, every night and plenty of times in between. You will always be more than enough. You have the right to hurt and you have the right to heal. Your pain is important because it is yours. It contains your story, but it isn’t you.

  11. You are a healer.

    Your story is important. It is a story of strength, courage and survival. There is nothing more powerful than ‘me too’. Your story will heal others and it will give them what they need to move forward. There is power and love in your story that cannot be found anywhere else. 

What to do.

  1. Find an anchor.

    A message. A photo. A memory. When you feel like hurting yourself, you won’t be in the state of mind to remember that there are people who love you and who want to be there for you, as you would be there for them. You won’t remember what it feels like the day after, when your body is burning and the shower feels like it’s cutting all over again. The searing pain when you move the wrong way. The way it feels to keep this a secret. Have your anchor to remind you why you need to keep fighting for you.

  2. Get rid of your triggers.

    Self-harm is an addiction and like any addiction, anything associated with your self-harming experience will start the memories and feelings that lead to the experience of hurting yourself.  When that happens, it will have the force of an avalanche. Whenever you come into contact with anything that reminds you of the relief that came from last time, the pull to self-harm will be intensified – almost like a craving. For this reason, it’s important to get rid of anything associated with your self-harming – the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the towel you use, the tools you use, the things that help you keep it a secret, the clothes you use the day after to cover the scars, the opportunities to be on your own, anything that triggers the familiar feelings or memories.

  3. Seek out other ways to let out what’s inside you.

    Paint. Write. Bake. Dance. Move. Speak. Anything that nurtures you.

  4. Find what it is that supports you.

    Support can come in so many different ways, and it’s crucial. It can come from friends, family, people who have been there, professionals, support groups. It can also come from within. What nurtures you? What helps you feel loved and calm? Is it creating? Being still? Going for a walk? Meditating? Whatever you use to get through a struggle is important. Try to have them ready for when you need them.

  5. You only have to get through the next five minutes.

    Whatever you use to self-harm, put it out of reach, or take yourself out of reach, just for the next five minutes. There will come a time when you realise that you have made it through a week, then a month – but it all starts with the first five minutes. The biggest, most life-giving changes happen in with the smallest steps. Life happens in moments. In split decisions, in flashes of memory. A series of brave, strong, deliberate moments end on end. You only have to get through the next one. 

  6. It’s okay to say no. 

    When you have an open, generous heart, you feel intensely and you give even more. Sometimes you give more than you have, which leaves nothing left for you. Your boundaries are your power. The people who love you will understand. The ones who don’t, don’t matter.

  7. Don’t be a secret.

    You matter. You matter so much. So do your thoughts and your feelings. There are people who will understand what you are going through. If they don’t, they’ll want to. They’ll want to know what scares you, what hurts you, what confuses you and what you need. Help the people who love you to understand. They want to. They really do. But they won’t understand unless you help them by educating them and sharing your story. The people who love you will step forward, hold you in their arms and they will listen. They will want to learn everything you can teach them. Trust their capacity to cope with your truth. Your story is important. The pain you are feeling is enough to ask for help. You aren’t a burden and you aren’t broken. You have been through enough.

  8. Find the right support.

    We all need help sometimes to face the things that are breaking us. We’ve all been there. If you’re self-harming, tell someone – a parent, a friend, a counsellor – someone. Trust that they can do what you need them to. Trust that they will fight with you, beside you and behind you. And for the times there is no fight left in you, trust that while you rest your tired body and your exhausted mind, they will fight for you. None of us can do it on our own.

  9. Practice mindfulness regularly.

    Mindfulness changes the structure and function of the brain in ways that can strengthen you against anxious or negative thoughts and feelings. The thoughts that drive the feelings and behaviour that lead to self-harm are often ones of the past or the future. Mindfulness helps to train your brain to stay in the present when you need it to. Of course, there will be plenty of times when you need to think about the past or plan for the future, but it’s important to be able to keep your mind in the present when you need it to. Sometimes minds will have a mind of their own, and they’ll keep cycling through negative thoughts even if you know that those thoughts are hurting you. Mindfulness will help to give you what you need to be more directive and deliberate about the things you think about. For ways to practice mindfulness, see here, or here or try the free Smiling Mind app

  10. When you feel like you want to self-harm, do something else. 

    It sounds simple, but I know it’s not. When the compulsion to self-harm starts, it can have the force of a tidal wave – but it will end. Be ready with a list of options for things you can actively do while you ride out the wave – go for a walk or a run or call a friend – anything that is deliberate and active.

  11. Or wait for 10 minutes.

    If the compulsion to self-harm feels overwhelming, give it ten minutes. Whatever you do that is your normal response when you feel as yough you want to self-harm, wait for 10 minutes. Feelings are never permanent – even the strongest ones. They will come and they will go. The more you push them away, the harder they’ll push to stay. Feelings exist for a reason. Let them give you whatever insight they need to give you, then let them go – which they always will.

  12. The healing is in you. 

    Your story always has a next chapter. What you are going through now is part of your story, but it is not your full story. Your story will involve a chapter on healing and a chapter on happiness. But first it begins with hope. Write the words for your next chapter – the one where you start to heal. Let the words be ones of love for yourself, your struggle and your story. Those words are there. They might be faint and tiny to begin with, but they are there. Give them life and let them surprise you. Write them down and read them often. You won’t believe them at first, and that’s okay. You don’t need to. There are beautiful things waiting for permission to find you. 

And finally

Self-harm is not weak or crazy or shameful – it’s human. If you are hurting yourself, ask for help. People will surprise you in beautiful and unexpected ways. We all have parts of our story that we don’t want to tell, whether because of shame or because we don’t believe in people to hold that part of us gently. Sometimes your story will start a gentle stirring that will make people feel safe enough to tell their story, and they will, even as their voices shake and their bodies tremble. Courage gives life to courage. Give people the opportunity to prove themselves to you, because they will. We all need a hand through the messiness of life sometimes. It takes a brave, open heart to ask for it.

If you or someone you love is struggling with self-harm: For Extra Support – When Being Human Gets Tough.

[irp posts=”2375″ name=”Why do People Self-Harm? When Feeling Bad Means Feeling Better”]

9 Comments

Alze

Hi,
I’ve been self harming for just under a year now, it’s ranged from different severities and approaches. But your article definitely helped sum up how it can feel to be dealing with self harming and the compulsive feeling to self harm while trying to stop. My attempts to stop have been met with different amounts of success so far, but honestly I think it’s because I’m still trying to convince myself that self harming isn’t good for me and that I actually need to stop. Most of summer I stopped, only have a couple relapses but with the school year starting again the need to self harm has come back a lot more often as last school year when I first started self harming class and the stress of school was a huge trigger (especially this one classroom which this year I have twice a day again). So I’ve been trying to deal with the change in tempo again. Again thank you for writing this article, it’s nice to feel validated in some form for my feelings and approach around self harming since there’s also a lot of stereotypes and stigmas around self harm.

Reply
Susan

I’m 50 and it stopped and recently it started again. I feel very stupid to be an adolescent again.

Reply
April Macdalas

I’m 14 and I currently self harm.It hurts so much sometimes and I cried when I read this.Thank you so much you don’t even know how much this helped me.-April

Reply
Karen Young

April I’m so pleased this has helped you. I want you to know you are not alone, and you don’t have to go through this alone. If you haven’t told an adult you trust yet, please do. We all need support from time to time. Much love and strength to you.

Reply
Aly

Thank you for a beautiful article & excellent website. Informative advice presented thoughtfully and without judgement. This is useful to me as a parent – you write all the things I wish I had the words for, along with extra strategies & support. Thank you.

Reply
jp

How do you think people feel when the solution is turn to others? I’ve done that with all sorts of people, including professionals, and none of them cared.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Turning to others is one solution, not the only solution. If you are self-harming, there is a need in you that is hungry to be met. The need will be valid and important, but it will also take a lot of work on your part to uncover what this need is and to find a healthier way to meet it. Keep looking for a professional who can work with you on this. There is no magic solution that will heal your pain and find a healthier way to meet the need/s in you that a clamouring to be met. I wish there was. I wish there was an easy way to take away your pain. Know that the strength and courage is in you to do the work that’s needed to do this. Don’t give up. Keep fighting for you.

Reply
Grace

This is so beautiful! I engaged in self-harm regularly from when I was 14-25 years old when I finally got professional help. I’m 27 now, and I’ve certainly had a few backslides, but it’s definitely better. Thank you to speaking to those who self-harm with so much validation, compassion, and understanding. Self-harm is enshrouded in so much shame, this kind of support is so rare to see. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Reply

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

#conflictresolution #conflict #families #family #mediation #earlyintervention #decade #anniversary #digital #scotland #scottish #cyrenians #psychology #relationships #children #teens #brain #brainchemistry #neuroscience
I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️
Honestly isn’t this the way it is for all of us though?♥️

#childanxiety #parenting #separationanxiety

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