Kids and Puberty. What’s it all About and How Can Parents Help Their Child to Thrive and Not Just Survive

Kids and Puberty. What’s it all About and How Can Parents Help Their Child to Thrive and Not Just Survive

Puberty can be a tough time for parents. It is a time of change – major change – when kids change from being a child to an adult. Which means that their body is changing in a major way and their brain as well.

Over the next five to ten years, your child’s body is programmed to become independent and ready to leave the nest. So expect them to want to have their own social media accounts, to hang out with their friends a lot more, to have their own phone, to start dating and to even start thinking about having sex.

But even though your child is programmed to become independent, this is the time where they actually need you more than ever before. The times have changed, you see. Puberty itself hasn’t really changed much but the world that kids grow up in, has changed dramatically.

Sex is talked about on a daily basis in the media, in advertising, in the music that we listen to and on the tv shows that we watch. Which means that your child is receiving a lot of mixed messages about sex from a number of different sources. This is the time that your child needs you to help guide them through all the mixed messages that they’re receiving about love, sex and relationships. This is your opportunity to shine, and to share with your child what sexual behaviours and attitudes are okay (and not okay) in your family and why. The ‘why’ is really important as it helps your child to understand why you believe what you believe. And when they get around to working out what their own set of values are, they will reflect back on what you have shared with them.

Think of yourself as a lighthouse. It is your beacon or guiding light that will help your child to navigate the murky waters of adolescence, and to come through to the other side, as a well adjusted healthy young adult who is capable of making the right decisions about love, sex and relationships.

This article has been written to complement my previous article My Kid Needs to Know What? An Age By Age Guide to Sex Education – And What to Do! and Karen Young’s article Phew! It’s Normal. An Age by Age Guide for What to Expect From Kids & Teens – And What They Need From Us. It will provide more detailed information about puberty and how you can support your child at this important time in their life.

What puberty is (a quick refresher).

Simply, puberty is that time when you grow up and change from being a child to an adult. Your body changes, the way you think and feel changes, and your relationships with family and friends changes too. These changes happen because your body is preparing you to start the next generation. So it needs to get you ready to make babies and to care for them.

Our hormones are responsible for making all these changes.

When your body reaches a certain age, size and shape, the part of your brain called the hypothalamus, starts to increase production of a hormone called GnRH – the gonadotrophin-releasing hormone. This hormone is important because it then sends a special chemical message to the pituitary gland, telling it to release the growth hormones into our bloodstream.

The pituitary gland is a small pea-sized gland that sits at the base of the brain. It then releases two hormones called the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and the luteinising hormone (LH). They then tell the testes (in boys) and ovaries (in girls) to start working.

In boys, the pituitary gland sends FSH and LH through the blood stream to the testes, telling them to start producing a hormone called testosterone and to start making sperm. Testosterone is the hormone that causes most of the changes in a boy’s body during puberty.

In girls, the pituitary gland sends FSH and LH through the blood stream to the ovaries, telling them to start producing the hormones called oestrogen and progesterone, and for the ovaries to start releasing the ova (eggs). Her body will also start to change so that she is ready for pregnancy.

All of these changes happen quite slowly over a number of years. As a parent, it might feel as if puberty has happened overnight, but it actually hasn’t.

When to start talking.

Most parents don’t think of puberty until they start to see changes in their own child or in their child’s friends. Or they think of it as ‘the talk’ ie one big talk where you tell them everything they need to know in one long drawn out conversation.

We now know that ‘the talk’ doesn’t work and that kids learn better from having many open and honest ongoing conversations. Which means that parents need to be having many conversations about puberty and not just the one!

So what does this look like in the everyday home?

It might mean that your 3 year old comes into your bedroom when you’re getting dressed and asks ‘Why do you have hair down there?’. And you tell them that all grownups have hair down there, and that one day, they will to.

Or your 5 year old’s favourite book is Hair in Funny Places by Babette Cole, and they are eagerly awaiting for Mr and Mrs Hormones to wake up grumpy and to start making puberty happen for them. And you tell them that puberty will happen to them one day too, but not just yet!

Or your 7 year old walks into the bathroom whilst your changing your tampon and asks ‘Why are you bleeding?’. And you tell them that it’s called a period, that it’s normal and is something that happens to all girls when they grow up.

Or your 11 year old asks if she can wear a bra because all her friends are starting to wear them. And you talk about the fact that puberty starts at a different time for everyone, and that when she starts to grow breasts, that she too can wear a bra as well.

By answering your child’s questions and talking about puberty openly and honestly, you are letting your child know that puberty will one day happen to them. You’re also normalising it and making puberty sound like an everyday thing, instead of something to be afraid of.

Eventually though, the time comes where you need to do more than just normalise. Instead you need to start preparing your child by talking more specifically and with more detail, about the changes that will happen and how to care for their new body. The challenge though, is in knowing when to start adding in the details.

When puberty starts.

Puberty actually starts a few years before you’ll actually see any physical changes. Which means that technically, puberty can start anytime between the ages of 8 to 15 for girls, and 9 to 15 for boys. Which explains why you might start to see some moodiness in your child well before you see any actual changes to their body.

We don’t usually any physical changes in girls until they are between 11 and 13 years of age (plus or minus a few years). Boys usually start a few years later than girls, with their changes being seen anywhere between 12 to 13 years (plus or minus a few years).

Some of the early signs for girls that you might see could be the budding of breasts, the start of pubic or underarm hair, a growth spurt where they may seemingly outgrow their clothes or shoes overnight, mood swings, or their hips start to grow wider.

Some of the early signs for boys that you may see could be mood swings, a growth spurt where they seemingly outgrow their clothes or shoes overnight, they start to grow pubic hair, or sweat and smell of body odour.

Which means that if your daughter is between 11-13 or your son between 12-13 years old, or you’ve started to see changes in them or their classmates, then it’s time to start preparing your child i.e. giving them more detailed information about what is coming up.

What changes happen during puberty.

Puberty doesn’t start at the same time for everyone. You just have to look at your child’s classmates to see that. Some of the girls may be growing breasts whilst others are still flat chested. Some of the boys will be quite tall whilst others are still very short.

No one can predict when exactly puberty will start for your child, as it starts at a different time for every child. So whilst some kids might be the first one in their class to start and others may be the last one to start, they all get there in the end. By the time they are 16 or 17 years old, they all have adult bodies and puberty is officially over.

Knowing what changes will happen to your child is helpful, as it means that you know what to expect. Plus you can be ready to talk about the changes before or as they happen.

Changes that can happen in both girl’s and boy’s bodies are:

  • Growth spurts, ie taller and heavier
  • Pimples or acne
  • Voices deepen
  • Hair and skin becomes oilier
  • Arm and leg hair becomes a little thicker
  • Armpit and pubic hair begins to grow
  • Body odour becomes stronger
  • Hands and feet grow bigger and longer

Girls will also:

  • Develop breasts
  • Grow wider at the hips, with rounder thighs and bottoms
  • Start their periods (menstruation)

Boys will also:

  • Grow taller, heavier and more muscular, with shoulders and chest growing wider
  • Have more erections often when they least expect (or want) them
  • Have wet dreams and begin to ejaculate semen
  • Penis, testicles and scrotum will grow bigger

What do kids need to know (and how to support them).

•  Their body will be changing.

Your child needs to know what changes will be happening to their body, preferably before they have already happened. This way your child will know what to expect and won’t be frightened by them when they unexpectedly turn up.

So they need to know about all the physical changes that will occur. Thing slike:pimples, oily hair/skin, sweating, body odour, new hair, voice changes, growing taller, gaining weight, vaginal discharge, periods, breasts, erections, ejaculation, wet dreams, bigger penis and testicles.

The support they need.

As well as knowing what changes to expect to their body, your child will need some advice on how to care for their new body. Routines that we see as everyday e.g. putting deodorant on at the start of our day, is new for your child. So they will need to be told what to do and to be reminded whilst they adapt to incorporating these new routines into their everyday life. Don’t forget to tell them that the opposite sex goes through puberty as well, and that some of their changes will be different to what is happening to them.

Books are a fantastic resource to use, and the right book for boys or girls means that you don’t need to remember all the details.

•  Their feelings and relationships with people will change.

Puberty isn’t just about changing bodies. There are a whole lot of changes happening on the inside too, that are preparing your child for all the responsibilities of being an adult. Which means that the way your child thinks and feels will also change too.

So your child needs to know that sometimes they might feel as if their going crazy. One moment they might be happy about something and then later on they might feel as if it is the end of the world. This is due to the fluctuations in the level of their hormones. As they increase and decrease, they impact on how they feel about themselves and others.

To learn more about the important development your child’s brain will doing as they go through puberty, you can refer to Karen’s article The Adolescent Brain – What All Teens Need to Know. It is worth a read. Knowing what is going on inside your child’s brain, can help with understanding (and living with) their behaviour.

The support they need.

Your child needs to know that they may be feeling some mixed emotions as they go through puberty. This is a normal part of puberty and will be happening to their friends as well. Make sure that they know that they can talk to you about anything, no matter what! Sharing your feelings with someone you trust can help.

•  They will be fertile.

The end goal of puberty is for your child to be capable of making a baby and to be able to care for it.  So girls needs to know that once their periods start, that they could become pregnant if they have unprotected sexual intercourse with a boy. Boys need to know that once they begin to ejaculate, that they could father a child if they have unprotected sexual intercourse with a girl. Having sex is a huge responsibility.

The support they need.

Your child needs to know that they will be fertile once their period starts or when they start to ejaculate semen. They need to know how babies are made and how they can be prevented. Now, by this age, it is highly likely that your child will have already heard about sex. So if you haven’t already talked to them about sex, don’t be surprised if they already know about it. And don’t forget to let them know that adults have sex for other reasons too, like for fun, or because it feels good. This is that time to also share your own thoughts on love, and when sex could happen in a relationship. You can’t stop your child from be sexually active but you can provide them with some guidance so that at the time, they are making the right decision for them.

•  They will start to experience sexual feelings.

Puberty is that age when kids start to see sex as something that they might want to do. The hormones that make your child fertile will also make sure that your child will want to do what they need to do, to become pregnant. So they will start to experience sexual thoughts and may begin to masturbate for the first time or more often. Boys may have a lot more erections than normal, often when least expected, and they may experience wet dreams (nocturnal emissions).

The support they need.

Your child needs to know that they may start to have sexy thoughts and feel attracted to the opposite or same sex. For some kids, these feelings may be stronger or weaker than in others. It can be normal for some kids to not feel these feelings at all. Sexy thoughts and feelings are a normal part of growing up. Acting on these feelings with a partner is a huge responsibility and it is best to wait until older. Some kids will masturbate, whilst others won’t. Both are normal. Masturbation isn’t harmful unless it starts to interfere with your day to day life.

•  That they’re normal.

Many kids feel as if they are alone as they go through puberty. They feel that they’re the only one getting pimples, breasts, or badly timed erections. They see themselves as looking different to their friends, especially if they are the first or the last to start changing.

The support they need.

Your child needs to know that puberty happens to everyone and that their friends are going through the same thing too. Some kids start sooner and some kids start latter. Some kids will change quickly and some kids will change more slowly. Everyone is different but their body is programmed to do what’s right for them.

Remind them that puberty happens slowly over a number of years, so they will have plenty of time to get used to their new body and being a grown up. And before they know it, it’ll all be over.

The more that they know about puberty, the more prepared and accepting they will be for the changes that are coming their way.

And finally…

Kids who are prepared for puberty are more likely to find it a breeze than a hurricane. And that includes you too. By knowing what to expect from puberty, you can support your child as they go through this major stage of change. And by talking to them, you’re letting them know that they can turn to you at any time for the support, guidance and information that they’ll need.

So don’t see puberty as a loss of childhood. See it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and your connection with your child. And enjoy watching your child blossom into an adult to be proud of!

If you need some extra help on how to talk about puberty, then my two books Boy Puberty: How to Talk about Puberty and Sex with your Tween Boy or Girl Puberty: How to Talk about Puberty and Sex with your Tween Girl, will help you out.


About the Author: Cath Hakanson

Cath Hakanson is a mother, nurse, sex educator, author and founder of Sex Ed Rescue. Bringing her 20+ years clinical knowledge, a practical down-to-earth approach, and passion for helping families, Cath inspires parents to talk to their kids about sex so that kids can talk to their parents about anything! Sex Ed Rescue arms parents with the tools, advice and tips to make sex education a normal part of everyday life. Get her free ‘12 Puberty Conversation Starters’ that will help you to start talking about puberty with your child today.

Find Cath on Facebook, Pinterest and LinkedIn.

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Anxiety is a sign that the brain has registered threat and is mobilising the body to get to safety. One of the ways it does this is by organising the body for movement - to fight the danger or flee the danger. 

If there is no need or no opportunity for movement, that fight or flight fuel will still be looking for expression. This can come out as wriggly, fidgety, hyperactive behaviour. This is why any of us might pace or struggle to sit still when we’re anxious. 

If kids or teens are bouncing around, wriggling in their chairs, or having trouble sitting still, it could be anxiety. Remember with anxiety, it’s not about what is actually safe but about what the brain perceives. New or challenging work, doing something unfamiliar, too much going on, a tired or hungry body, anything that comes with any chance of judgement, failure, humiliation can all throw the brain into fight or flight.

When this happens, the body might feel busy, activated, restless. This in itself can drive even more anxiety in kids or teens. Any of us can struggle when we don’t feel comfortable in our own bodies. 

Anxiety is energy with nowhere to go. To move through anxiety, give the energy somewhere to go - a fast walk, a run, a whole-body shake, hula hooping, kicking a ball - any movement that spends the energy will help bring the brain and body back to calm.♥️
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#parenting #anxietyinkids #childanxiety #parenting #parent
This is not bad behaviour. It’s big behaviour a from a brain that has registered threat and is working hard to feel safe again. 

‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what the brain perceives. The brain can perceive threat when there is any chance missing out on or messing up something important, anything that feels unfamiliar, hard, or challenging, feeling misunderstood, thinking you might be angry or disappointed with them, being separated from you, being hungry or tired, anything that pushes against their sensory needs - so many things. 

During anxiety, the amygdala in the brain is switched to high volume, so other big feelings will be too. This might look like tears, sadness, or anger. 

Big feelings have a good reason for being there. The amygdala has the very important job of keeping us safe, and it does this beautifully, but not always with grace. One of the ways the amygdala keeps us safe is by calling on big feelings to recruit social support. When big feelings happen, people notice. They might not always notice the way we want to be noticed, but we are noticed. This increases our chances of safety. 

Of course, kids and teens still need our guidance and leadership and the conversations that grow them, but not during the emotional storm. They just won’t hear you anyway because their brain is too busy trying to get back to safety. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed or ‘grown’. They want to feel seen, safe and heard. 

During the storm, preserve your connection with them as much as you can. You might not always be able to do this, and that’s okay. None of this is about perfection. If you have a rupture, repair it as soon as you can. Then, when their brains and bodies come back to calm, this is the time for the conversations that will grow them. 

Rather than, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, shift to, ‘What support do they need to do better?’ The greatest support will come from you in a way they can receive: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re the most wonderful kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
Big behaviour is a sign of a nervous system in distress. Before anything, that vulnerable nervous system needs to be brought back home to felt safety. 

This will happen most powerfully with relationship and connection. Breathe and be with. Let them know you get it. This can happen with words or nonverbals. It’s about feeling what they feel, but staying regulated.

If they want space, give them space but stay in emotional proximity, ‘Ok I’m just going to stay over here. I’m right here if you need.’

If they’re using spicy words to make sure there is no confusion about how they feel about you right now, flag the behaviour, then make your intent clear, ‘I know how upset you are and I want to understand more about what’s happening for you. I’m not going to do this while you’re speaking to me like this. You can still be mad, but you need to be respectful. I’m here for you.’

Think of how you would respond if a friend was telling you about something that upset her. You wouldn’t tell her to calm down, or try to fix her (she’s not broken), or talk to her about her behaviour. You would just be there. You would ‘drop an anchor’ and steady those rough seas around her until she feels okay enough again. Along the way you would be doing things that let her know your intent to support her. You’d do this with you facial expressions, your voice, your body, your posture. You’d feel her feels, and she’d feel you ‘getting her’. It’s about letting her know that you understand what she’s feeling, even if you don’t understand why (or agree with why). 

It’s the same for our children. As their important big people, they also need leadership. The time for this is after the storm has passed, when their brains and bodies feel safe and calm. Because of your relationship, connection and their felt sense of safety, you will have access to their ‘thinking brain’. This is the time for those meaningful conversations: 
- ‘What happened?’
- ‘What did I do that helped/ didn’t help?’
- ‘What can you do differently next time?’
- ‘You’re a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
As children grow, and especially by adolescence, we have the illusion of control but whether or not we have any real influence will be up to them. The temptation to control our children will always come from a place of love. Fear will likely have a heavy hand in there too. When they fall, we’ll feel it. Sometimes it will feel like an ache in our core. Sometimes it will feel like failure or guilt, or anger. We might wish we could have stopped them, pushed a little harder, warned a little bigger, stood a little closer. We’re parents and we’re human and it’s what this parenting thing does. It makes fear and anxiety billow around us like lost smoke, too easily.

Remember, they want you to be proud of them, and they want to do the right thing. When they feel your curiosity over judgement, and the safety of you over shame, it will be easier for them to open up to you. Nobody will guide them better than you because nobody will care more about where they land. They know this, but the magic happens when they also know that you are safe and that you will hold them, their needs, their opinions and feelings with strong, gentle, loving hands, no matter what.♥️
Anger is the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. It has important work to do. Anger never exists on its own. It exists to hold other more vulnerable emotions in a way that feels safer. It’s sometimes feels easier, safer, more acceptable, stronger to feel the ‘big’ that comes with anger, than the vulnerability that comes with anxiety, sadness, loneliness. This isn’t deliberate. It’s just another way our bodies and brains try to keep us safe. 

The problem isn’t the anger. The problem is the behaviour that can come with the anger. Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. When children are angry, as long as they are safe and others are safe, we don’t need to fix their anger. They aren’t broken. Instead, drop the anchor: as much as you can - and this won’t always be easy - be a calm, steadying, loving presence to help bring their nervous systems back home to calm. 

Then, when they are truly calm, and with love and leadership, have the conversations that will grow them - 
- What happened? 
- What can you do differently next time?
- You’re a really great kid. I know you didn’t want this to happen but here we are. How can you make things right. Would you like some ideas? Do you need some help with that?
- What did I do that helped? What did I do that didn’t help? Is there something that might feel more helpful next time?

When their behaviour falls short of ‘adorable’, rather than asking ‘What consequences they need to do better?’ let the question be, ‘What support do they need to do better.’ Often, the biggest support will be a conversation with you, and that will be enough.♥️
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#parenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #anxietyinkids

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