Kids and Puberty. What’s it all About and How Can Parents Help Their Child to Thrive and Not Just Survive

Kids and Puberty. What’s it all About and How Can Parents Help Their Child to Thrive and Not Just Survive

Puberty can be a tough time for parents. It is a time of change – major change – when kids change from being a child to an adult. Which means that their body is changing in a major way and their brain as well.

Over the next five to ten years, your child’s body is programmed to become independent and ready to leave the nest. So expect them to want to have their own social media accounts, to hang out with their friends a lot more, to have their own phone, to start dating and to even start thinking about having sex.

But even though your child is programmed to become independent, this is the time where they actually need you more than ever before. The times have changed, you see. Puberty itself hasn’t really changed much but the world that kids grow up in, has changed dramatically.

Sex is talked about on a daily basis in the media, in advertising, in the music that we listen to and on the tv shows that we watch. Which means that your child is receiving a lot of mixed messages about sex from a number of different sources. This is the time that your child needs you to help guide them through all the mixed messages that they’re receiving about love, sex and relationships. This is your opportunity to shine, and to share with your child what sexual behaviours and attitudes are okay (and not okay) in your family and why. The ‘why’ is really important as it helps your child to understand why you believe what you believe. And when they get around to working out what their own set of values are, they will reflect back on what you have shared with them.

Think of yourself as a lighthouse. It is your beacon or guiding light that will help your child to navigate the murky waters of adolescence, and to come through to the other side, as a well adjusted healthy young adult who is capable of making the right decisions about love, sex and relationships.

This article has been written to complement my previous article My Kid Needs to Know What? An Age By Age Guide to Sex Education – And What to Do! and Karen Young’s article Phew! It’s Normal. An Age by Age Guide for What to Expect From Kids & Teens – And What They Need From Us. It will provide more detailed information about puberty and how you can support your child at this important time in their life.

What puberty is (a quick refresher).

Simply, puberty is that time when you grow up and change from being a child to an adult. Your body changes, the way you think and feel changes, and your relationships with family and friends changes too. These changes happen because your body is preparing you to start the next generation. So it needs to get you ready to make babies and to care for them.

Our hormones are responsible for making all these changes.

When your body reaches a certain age, size and shape, the part of your brain called the hypothalamus, starts to increase production of a hormone called GnRH – the gonadotrophin-releasing hormone. This hormone is important because it then sends a special chemical message to the pituitary gland, telling it to release the growth hormones into our bloodstream.

The pituitary gland is a small pea-sized gland that sits at the base of the brain. It then releases two hormones called the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and the luteinising hormone (LH). They then tell the testes (in boys) and ovaries (in girls) to start working.

In boys, the pituitary gland sends FSH and LH through the blood stream to the testes, telling them to start producing a hormone called testosterone and to start making sperm. Testosterone is the hormone that causes most of the changes in a boy’s body during puberty.

In girls, the pituitary gland sends FSH and LH through the blood stream to the ovaries, telling them to start producing the hormones called oestrogen and progesterone, and for the ovaries to start releasing the ova (eggs). Her body will also start to change so that she is ready for pregnancy.

All of these changes happen quite slowly over a number of years. As a parent, it might feel as if puberty has happened overnight, but it actually hasn’t.

When to start talking.

Most parents don’t think of puberty until they start to see changes in their own child or in their child’s friends. Or they think of it as ‘the talk’ ie one big talk where you tell them everything they need to know in one long drawn out conversation.

We now know that ‘the talk’ doesn’t work and that kids learn better from having many open and honest ongoing conversations. Which means that parents need to be having many conversations about puberty and not just the one!

So what does this look like in the everyday home?

It might mean that your 3 year old comes into your bedroom when you’re getting dressed and asks ‘Why do you have hair down there?’. And you tell them that all grownups have hair down there, and that one day, they will to.

Or your 5 year old’s favourite book is Hair in Funny Places by Babette Cole, and they are eagerly awaiting for Mr and Mrs Hormones to wake up grumpy and to start making puberty happen for them. And you tell them that puberty will happen to them one day too, but not just yet!

Or your 7 year old walks into the bathroom whilst your changing your tampon and asks ‘Why are you bleeding?’. And you tell them that it’s called a period, that it’s normal and is something that happens to all girls when they grow up.

Or your 11 year old asks if she can wear a bra because all her friends are starting to wear them. And you talk about the fact that puberty starts at a different time for everyone, and that when she starts to grow breasts, that she too can wear a bra as well.

By answering your child’s questions and talking about puberty openly and honestly, you are letting your child know that puberty will one day happen to them. You’re also normalising it and making puberty sound like an everyday thing, instead of something to be afraid of.

Eventually though, the time comes where you need to do more than just normalise. Instead you need to start preparing your child by talking more specifically and with more detail, about the changes that will happen and how to care for their new body. The challenge though, is in knowing when to start adding in the details.

When puberty starts.

Puberty actually starts a few years before you’ll actually see any physical changes. Which means that technically, puberty can start anytime between the ages of 8 to 15 for girls, and 9 to 15 for boys. Which explains why you might start to see some moodiness in your child well before you see any actual changes to their body.

We don’t usually any physical changes in girls until they are between 11 and 13 years of age (plus or minus a few years). Boys usually start a few years later than girls, with their changes being seen anywhere between 12 to 13 years (plus or minus a few years).

Some of the early signs for girls that you might see could be the budding of breasts, the start of pubic or underarm hair, a growth spurt where they may seemingly outgrow their clothes or shoes overnight, mood swings, or their hips start to grow wider.

Some of the early signs for boys that you may see could be mood swings, a growth spurt where they seemingly outgrow their clothes or shoes overnight, they start to grow pubic hair, or sweat and smell of body odour.

Which means that if your daughter is between 11-13 or your son between 12-13 years old, or you’ve started to see changes in them or their classmates, then it’s time to start preparing your child i.e. giving them more detailed information about what is coming up.

What changes happen during puberty.

Puberty doesn’t start at the same time for everyone. You just have to look at your child’s classmates to see that. Some of the girls may be growing breasts whilst others are still flat chested. Some of the boys will be quite tall whilst others are still very short.

No one can predict when exactly puberty will start for your child, as it starts at a different time for every child. So whilst some kids might be the first one in their class to start and others may be the last one to start, they all get there in the end. By the time they are 16 or 17 years old, they all have adult bodies and puberty is officially over.

Knowing what changes will happen to your child is helpful, as it means that you know what to expect. Plus you can be ready to talk about the changes before or as they happen.

Changes that can happen in both girl’s and boy’s bodies are:

  • Growth spurts, ie taller and heavier
  • Pimples or acne
  • Voices deepen
  • Hair and skin becomes oilier
  • Arm and leg hair becomes a little thicker
  • Armpit and pubic hair begins to grow
  • Body odour becomes stronger
  • Hands and feet grow bigger and longer

Girls will also:

  • Develop breasts
  • Grow wider at the hips, with rounder thighs and bottoms
  • Start their periods (menstruation)

Boys will also:

  • Grow taller, heavier and more muscular, with shoulders and chest growing wider
  • Have more erections often when they least expect (or want) them
  • Have wet dreams and begin to ejaculate semen
  • Penis, testicles and scrotum will grow bigger

What do kids need to know (and how to support them).

•  Their body will be changing.

Your child needs to know what changes will be happening to their body, preferably before they have already happened. This way your child will know what to expect and won’t be frightened by them when they unexpectedly turn up.

So they need to know about all the physical changes that will occur. Thing slike:pimples, oily hair/skin, sweating, body odour, new hair, voice changes, growing taller, gaining weight, vaginal discharge, periods, breasts, erections, ejaculation, wet dreams, bigger penis and testicles.

The support they need.

As well as knowing what changes to expect to their body, your child will need some advice on how to care for their new body. Routines that we see as everyday e.g. putting deodorant on at the start of our day, is new for your child. So they will need to be told what to do and to be reminded whilst they adapt to incorporating these new routines into their everyday life. Don’t forget to tell them that the opposite sex goes through puberty as well, and that some of their changes will be different to what is happening to them.

Books are a fantastic resource to use, and the right book for boys or girls means that you don’t need to remember all the details.

•  Their feelings and relationships with people will change.

Puberty isn’t just about changing bodies. There are a whole lot of changes happening on the inside too, that are preparing your child for all the responsibilities of being an adult. Which means that the way your child thinks and feels will also change too.

So your child needs to know that sometimes they might feel as if their going crazy. One moment they might be happy about something and then later on they might feel as if it is the end of the world. This is due to the fluctuations in the level of their hormones. As they increase and decrease, they impact on how they feel about themselves and others.

To learn more about the important development your child’s brain will doing as they go through puberty, you can refer to Karen’s article The Adolescent Brain – What All Teens Need to Know. It is worth a read. Knowing what is going on inside your child’s brain, can help with understanding (and living with) their behaviour.

The support they need.

Your child needs to know that they may be feeling some mixed emotions as they go through puberty. This is a normal part of puberty and will be happening to their friends as well. Make sure that they know that they can talk to you about anything, no matter what! Sharing your feelings with someone you trust can help.

•  They will be fertile.

The end goal of puberty is for your child to be capable of making a baby and to be able to care for it.  So girls needs to know that once their periods start, that they could become pregnant if they have unprotected sexual intercourse with a boy. Boys need to know that once they begin to ejaculate, that they could father a child if they have unprotected sexual intercourse with a girl. Having sex is a huge responsibility.

The support they need.

Your child needs to know that they will be fertile once their period starts or when they start to ejaculate semen. They need to know how babies are made and how they can be prevented. Now, by this age, it is highly likely that your child will have already heard about sex. So if you haven’t already talked to them about sex, don’t be surprised if they already know about it. And don’t forget to let them know that adults have sex for other reasons too, like for fun, or because it feels good. This is that time to also share your own thoughts on love, and when sex could happen in a relationship. You can’t stop your child from be sexually active but you can provide them with some guidance so that at the time, they are making the right decision for them.

•  They will start to experience sexual feelings.

Puberty is that age when kids start to see sex as something that they might want to do. The hormones that make your child fertile will also make sure that your child will want to do what they need to do, to become pregnant. So they will start to experience sexual thoughts and may begin to masturbate for the first time or more often. Boys may have a lot more erections than normal, often when least expected, and they may experience wet dreams (nocturnal emissions).

The support they need.

Your child needs to know that they may start to have sexy thoughts and feel attracted to the opposite or same sex. For some kids, these feelings may be stronger or weaker than in others. It can be normal for some kids to not feel these feelings at all. Sexy thoughts and feelings are a normal part of growing up. Acting on these feelings with a partner is a huge responsibility and it is best to wait until older. Some kids will masturbate, whilst others won’t. Both are normal. Masturbation isn’t harmful unless it starts to interfere with your day to day life.

•  That they’re normal.

Many kids feel as if they are alone as they go through puberty. They feel that they’re the only one getting pimples, breasts, or badly timed erections. They see themselves as looking different to their friends, especially if they are the first or the last to start changing.

The support they need.

Your child needs to know that puberty happens to everyone and that their friends are going through the same thing too. Some kids start sooner and some kids start latter. Some kids will change quickly and some kids will change more slowly. Everyone is different but their body is programmed to do what’s right for them.

Remind them that puberty happens slowly over a number of years, so they will have plenty of time to get used to their new body and being a grown up. And before they know it, it’ll all be over.

The more that they know about puberty, the more prepared and accepting they will be for the changes that are coming their way.

And finally…

Kids who are prepared for puberty are more likely to find it a breeze than a hurricane. And that includes you too. By knowing what to expect from puberty, you can support your child as they go through this major stage of change. And by talking to them, you’re letting them know that they can turn to you at any time for the support, guidance and information that they’ll need.

So don’t see puberty as a loss of childhood. See it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and your connection with your child. And enjoy watching your child blossom into an adult to be proud of!

If you need some extra help on how to talk about puberty, then my two books Boy Puberty: How to Talk about Puberty and Sex with your Tween Boy or Girl Puberty: How to Talk about Puberty and Sex with your Tween Girl, will help you out.


About the Author: Cath Hakanson

Cath Hakanson is a mother, nurse, sex educator, author and founder of Sex Ed Rescue. Bringing her 20+ years clinical knowledge, a practical down-to-earth approach, and passion for helping families, Cath inspires parents to talk to their kids about sex so that kids can talk to their parents about anything! Sex Ed Rescue arms parents with the tools, advice and tips to make sex education a normal part of everyday life. Get her free ‘12 Puberty Conversation Starters’ that will help you to start talking about puberty with your child today.

Find Cath on Facebook, Pinterest and LinkedIn.

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Big feelings, and the big behaviour that comes from big feelings, are a sign of a distressed nervous system. Think of this like a burning building. The behaviour is the smoke. The fire is a distressed nervous system. It’s so tempting to respond directly to the behaviour (the smoke), but by doing this, we ignore the fire. Their behaviour and feelings in that moment are a call for support - for us to help that distressed brain and body find the way home. 

The most powerful language for any nervous system is another nervous system. They will catch our distress (as we will catch theirs) but they will also catch our calm. It can be tempting to move them to independence on this too quickly, but it just doesn’t work this way. Children can only learn to self-regulate with lots (and lots and lots) of experience co-regulating. 

This isn’t something that can be taught. It’s something that has to be experienced over and over. It’s like so many things - driving a car, playing the piano - we can talk all we want about ‘how’ but it’s not until we ‘do’ over and over that we get better at it. 

Self-regulation works the same way. It’s not until children have repeated experiences with an adult bringing them back to calm, that they develop the neural pathways to come back to calm on their own. 

An important part of this is making sure we are guiding that nervous system with tender, gentle hands and a steady heart. This is where our own self-regulation becomes important. Our nervous systems speak to each other every moment of every day. When our children or teens are distressed, we will start to feel that distress. It becomes a loop. We feel what they feel, they feel what we feel. Our own capacity to self-regulate is the circuit breaker. 

This can be so tough, but it can happen in microbreaks. A few strong steady breaths can calm our own nervous system, which we can then use to calm theirs. Breathe, and be with. It’s that simple, but so tough to do some days. When they come back to calm, then have those transformational chats - What happened? What can make it easier next time?

Who you are in the moment will always be more important than what you do.
How we are with them, when they are their everyday selves and when they aren’t so adorable, will build their view of three things: the world, its people, and themselves. This will then inform how they respond to the world and how they build their very important space in it. 

Will it be a loving, warm, open-hearted space with lots of doors for them to throw open to the people and experiences that are right for them? Or will it be a space with solid, too high walls that close out too many of the people and experiences that would nourish them.

They will learn from what we do with them and to them, for better or worse. We don’t teach them that the world is safe for them to reach into - we show them. We don’t teach them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate. We show them. We don’t teach them that they matter, and that other people matter, and that their voices and their opinions matter. We show them. We don’t teach them that they are little joy mongers who light up the world. We show them. 

But we have to be radically kind with ourselves too. None of this is about perfection. Parenting is hard, and days will be hard, and on too many of those days we’ll be hard too. That’s okay. We’ll say things we shouldn’t say and do things we shouldn’t do. We’re human too. Let’s not put pressure on our kiddos to be perfect by pretending that we are. As long as we repair the ruptures as soon as we can, and bathe them in love and the warmth of us as much as we can, they will be okay.

This also isn’t about not having boundaries. We need to be the guardians of their world and show them where the edges are. But in the guarding of those boundaries we can be strong and loving, strong and gentle. We can love them, and redirect their behaviour.

It’s when we own our stuff(ups) and when we let them see us fall and rise with strength, integrity, and compassion, and when we hold them gently through the mess of it all, that they learn about humility, and vulnerability, and the importance of holding bruised hearts with tender hands. It’s not about perfection, it’s about consistency, and honesty, and the way we respond to them the most.♥️

#parenting #mindfulparenting
Anxiety and courage always exist together. It can be no other way. Anxiety is a call to courage. It means you're about to do something brave, so when there is one the other will be there too. Their courage might feel so small and be whisper quiet, but it will always be there and always ready to show up when they need it to.
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But courage doesn’t always feel like courage, and it won't always show itself as a readiness. Instead, it might show as a rising - from fear, from uncertainty, from anger. None of these mean an absence of courage. They are the making of space, and the opportunity for courage to rise.
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When the noise from anxiety is loud and obtuse, we’ll have to gently add our voices to usher their courage into the light. We can do this speaking of it and to it, and by shifting the focus from their anxiety to their brave. The one we focus on is ultimately what will become powerful. It will be the one we energise. Anxiety will already have their focus, so we’ll need to make sure their courage has ours.
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But we have to speak to their fear as well, in a way that makes space for it to be held and soothed, with strength. Their fear has an important job to do - to recruit the support of someone who can help them feel safe. Only when their fear has been heard will it rest and make way for their brave.
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What does this look like? Tell them their stories of brave, but acknowledge the fear that made it tough. Stories help them process their emotional experiences in a safe way. It brings word to the feelings and helps those big feelings make sense and find containment. ‘You were really worried about that exam weren’t you. You couldn’t get to sleep the night before. It was tough going to school but you got up, you got dressed, you ... and you did it. Then you ...’
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In the moment, speak to their brave by first acknowledging their need to flee (or fight), then tell them what you know to be true - ‘This feels scary for you doesn’t it. I know you want to run. It makes so much sense that you would want to do that. I also know you can do hard things. My darling, I know it with everything in me.’
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#positiveparenting #parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinchildren #mindfulpare
Separation anxiety has an important job to do - it’s designed to keep children safe by driving them to stay close to their important adults. Gosh it can feel brutal sometimes though.

Whenever there is separation from an attachment person there will be anxiety unless there are two things: attachment with another trusted, loving adult; and a felt sense of you holding on, even when you aren't beside them. Putting these in place will help soften anxiety.

As long as children are are in the loving care of a trusted adult, there's no need to avoid separation. We'll need to remind ourselves of this so we can hold on to ourselves when our own anxiety is rising in response to theirs. 

If separation is the problem, connection has to be the solution. The connection can be with any loving adult, but it's more than an adult being present. It needs an adult who, through their strong, warm, loving presence, shows the child their abundant intention to care for that child, and their joy in doing so. This can be helped along by showing that you trust the adult to love that child big in our absence. 'I know [important adult] loves you and is going to take such good care of you.'

To help your young one feel held on to by you, even in absence, let them know you'll be thinking of them and can't wait to see them. Bolster this by giving them something of yours to hold while you're gone - a scarf, a note - anything that will be felt as 'you'.

They know you are the one who makes sure their world is safe, so they’ll be looking to you for signs of safety: 'Do you think we'll be okay if we aren't together?' First, validate: 'You really want to stay with me, don't you. I wish I could stay with you too! It's hard being away from your special people isn't it.' Then, be their brave. Let it be big enough to wrap around them so they can rest in the safety and strength of it: 'I know you can do this, love. We can do hard things can't we.'

Part of growing up brave is learning that the presence of anxiety doesn't always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means they are on the edge of brave - and being away from you for a while counts as brave.
Even the most loving, emotionally available adult might feel frustration, anger, helplessness or distress in response to a child’s big feelings. This is how it’s meant to work. 

Their distress (fight/flight) will raise distress in us. The purpose is to move us to protect or support or them, but of course it doesn’t always work this way. When their big feelings recruit ours it can drive us more to fight (anger, blame), or to flee (avoid, ignore, separate them from us) which can steal our capacity to support them. It will happen to all of us from time to time. 

Kids and teens can’t learn to manage big feelings on their own until they’ve done it plenty of times with a calm, loving adult. This is where co-regulation comes in. It helps build the vital neural pathways between big feelings and calm. They can’t build those pathways on their own. 

It’s like driving a car. We can tell them how to drive as much as we like, but ‘talking about’ won’t mean they’re ready to hit the road by themselves. Instead we sit with them in the front seat for hours, driving ‘with’ until they can do it on their own. Feelings are the same. We feel ‘with’, over and over, until they can do it on their own. 

What can help is pausing for a moment to see the behaviour for what it is - a call for support. It’s NOT bad behaviour or bad parenting. It’s not that.

Our own feelings can give us a clue to what our children are feeling. It’s a normal, healthy, adaptive way for them to share an emotional load they weren’t meant to carry on their own. Self-regulation makes space for us to hold those feelings with them until those big feelings ease. 

Self-regulation can happen in micro moments. First, see the feelings or behaviour for what it is - a call for support. Then breathe. This will calm your nervous system, so you can calm theirs. In the same way we will catch their distress, they will also catch ours - but they can also catch our calm. Breathe, validate, and be ‘with’. And you don’t need to do more than that.

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