Kids and Television – How to Influence What They Learn

Kids and Television - How to Influence What They Learn

Television can be a wonderful source of information for our children, but it can also be a gap filler that does little to nurture their hungry minds. Whether we like it or not, screens are here to stay. The challenge is to find ways to make television work for our kids and nourish their curiosity, their wisdom, and their growth, rather than letting it turn them into couch-dwelling little screen huggers. Fascinating new research has found something that can make the difference.

There’s little doubt that too much television, or the wrong type of television, can do damage. It can make young bodies too still and fill hungry minds with too much nothing, or too much of the wrong thing. The right type of television though, can feed those growing minds and encourage adventure, learning, and curiosity. Television is powerful, so we need to find a way to use that in positive ways, and take charge of the influence we have with our kids while we have it.

The research has shown how to make television work harder to help our children spark even brighter, and it’s as simple as sitting with them while they watch tv, rather than leaving them to it. When parents watch television with their children, the capacity of those children to learn from what they see increases. (And before you start thinking, ‘Nup. Tap me out. I love Phineas and Ferb but I love it more when I don’t have to watch it,’ – don’t worry –  none of this means we can never leave our kids alone with their favourite shows. Sometimes we all need a gentle break from the world where our minds can take a rest for a while – and if Phineas and Ferb does to them what, say, US Bachelor does to me some people, there’s nothing wrong with that. Everything in moderation.)

“Researchers have shown that kids are more interested in activities in which the parents are involved, whether that’s at school or reading or whatever. It makes sense then that kids would be more interested in TV if the parent is more interested in that as well. I think parents being involved in a kid’s life means a lot to kids whether they know it or not.” -Eric Rasmussen, assistant professor and co-author of study, Texas Tech University.

Kids, tv, and learning. The research.

For the study, 88 children aged 6-13 years were shown either an exciting clip (Man vs Wild) or non-exciting one (a whale documentary). Each clip was about 11-12 minutes long. The children either watched the show with one of their parents sitting beside them on a couch, or on their own with the parent out of the room and out of sight of the child.

When a parent watched the show with the child, the child showed physiological evidence that they were investing a greater amount of effort to learn and understand. The evidence included higher skin conductance (indicating higher arousal) and a lower heart rate (indicating a greater allocation of cognitive resources.

Assistant Professor Eric Rasmussen, one of the researchers and an expert in children and the media, has pointed out that this generation of children is often tagged as the generation that has become a little lost to media and the influences of it. He’s quick to point out that this thinking is flawed – parents actually have a lot of influence over their children, they just need to know how to engage it.

“Parents parent. The more I learn the more I’m convinced of that. It’s about helping kids know what to do with that content once they encounter it and how they process it.” – Eric Rasmussen

This research is consistent with other findings on the ways parents can influence the ability of children to learn from tv. Research with children aged 5-7 and 10-12 has found that children’s reactions to shows change when their parents speak to them about what they are watching. Another study found that when 2-6 year olds watched ten episodes of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood over a two-week period, those children who watched the shows with their parents showed higher levels of empathy and self-efficacy and a greater ability to recognise emotion, than those whose parents didn’t talk to them about the shows.

For kids, spending time with their parents would be up there with their favourite things to do (even if they don’t always let us know!). Because of this, parents have enormous capacity to influence what their children learn from television and the messages they take from what they see.

Research has found that this influence can also nurture a child’s emotional and social intelligence. When small children are exposed to more background television, or when they have a tv in their rooms, they tend to show a poorer ability to recognise that other people sometimes have different thoughts, feelings, needs or wants to their own. On the other hand, when parents engage with children about what the children see on tv, those children show a greater capacity to see that what they are feeling and thinking isn’t necessarily the same for everyone else. 

Being able to recognise that other people might think and feel differently to you is a key component of empathy and positive social relationships. Young children tend to view the world from the inside out. This is a great thing for little people – it’s how they come to understand the world and their place in it. First they have to understand how they work, and then they can start to think about everyone else. Even though this is something that all kids do, parents can help to shift this heavy focus on the self and nurture the development of social and emotional intelligence when they speak with their children about what they are watching on television. 

And finally …

As with so much of parenting, if not all of it, it’s never enough to set the rules and let the rules take care of things from there. If only it was that easy, but then it would be called magic, and not rules. Setting rules is important, but there are ways for parents to increase their influence and have screen time work harder more for them and their children. Sitting with kids while they watch tv, and chatting to them about what they seem, is a powerful way to help kids learn and expand your influence. This becomes more important as kids get older. As they move through adolescence, we will have less control (kids will do what they want if they want it enough), but what we can have is influence. 

It’s important to do what we can to protect our kids from certain things they see on tv, but even with our best efforts, we won’t be able to protect them from all of it. What we can do though, is empower them. We can influence the messages or the information they take in, or the way they make sense of what they see. By speaking with them about what they see in shows, in commercials, in the news and in the way people are represented on tv, we can start to have a powerful influence. It can be an important opportunity to share our values and to start empowering them with important information. Whether it’s heavy stuff like what they see in the news, or how you feel about the latest burger in the fast food commercial, your children want to know what you think, and they need to know.

Young children love time with their parents. They especially love it if you’re meeting them where they are and doing something they want to do. It seems like such a small thing, but it’s these small things that can make a big difference for our kids. Watching tv with them and chatting about what they see can help to lay solid foundations for the way they read the world, relate to it, and establish their very important place in it.

11 Comments

Jean Tracy

Great article, Karen. Thanks for researching the stats. The results make so much sense. I’ll be sharing this on my social media sites.

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Ian Anderson

Been doing this for years. We tend to do about a 60/40 split between shows and nature/science stuff.

Children spend so much time away from home these days (school, after school, sports, hobbies, friends houses, birthday parties, etc. etc.) why would you waste what precious time you have with them? Plus, you can’t control what they’re exposed to during all that time away. Even more important then, that you teach them how to make sense of what they see.

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Karen

Thank you for these little reminders Karen! Each of your articles is like a bit of nutrition for my parenting brain!

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Anne

I have family game night with my 10 year old twins. We play board games that they want to play, then make pizza together and sit down to watch a movie that we all agree on. They love this time together, and we have great conversations about school, friendship, and what’s going on with their lives that otherwise we wouldn’t have the time to get around to

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Skeeter Buck

Such a great reminder of quality time with your child. I will no longer bring my laptop or iPhone to the couch when I agree to watch a movie with my son.

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Nicole

I’ve just signed up to your emails having found an old link I’d saved some time back on an “Age by Age guide of what to expect” which I keep coming back to each time one of my boys does something I don’t quite know how to manage (which is reasonably often – currently we’ve got 7 year old rage!) I’m a single working mum with 2 feisty boys and like most single, working mothers, beat myself up relentlessly about what I’m doing that’s not good enough. My time and energy is so stretched it’s sometimes painful. These posts feel like a practical, non-judgmental way I can actually help myself feel like I’m doing a good job and connect to my boys. It’s smart stuff without making the reader feel stupid. Thank you so much. You’re really making a difference.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Thanks so much Nicole. I’m so pleased they’re able to give you some comfort about what you’re doing. Parenting is hard! One of the things that makes it so difficult is the way it’s so easy to doubt ourselves and whether or not we’re doing the right thing. You sound loving and open to your gorgeous boys – that’s the most important thing. It sounds as though they are in wonderful hands.

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Anxiety is a sign that the brain has registered threat and is mobilising the body to get to safety. One of the ways it does this is by organising the body for movement - to fight the danger or flee the danger. 

If there is no need or no opportunity for movement, that fight or flight fuel will still be looking for expression. This can come out as wriggly, fidgety, hyperactive behaviour. This is why any of us might pace or struggle to sit still when we’re anxious. 

If kids or teens are bouncing around, wriggling in their chairs, or having trouble sitting still, it could be anxiety. Remember with anxiety, it’s not about what is actually safe but about what the brain perceives. New or challenging work, doing something unfamiliar, too much going on, a tired or hungry body, anything that comes with any chance of judgement, failure, humiliation can all throw the brain into fight or flight.

When this happens, the body might feel busy, activated, restless. This in itself can drive even more anxiety in kids or teens. Any of us can struggle when we don’t feel comfortable in our own bodies. 

Anxiety is energy with nowhere to go. To move through anxiety, give the energy somewhere to go - a fast walk, a run, a whole-body shake, hula hooping, kicking a ball - any movement that spends the energy will help bring the brain and body back to calm.♥️
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#parenting #anxietyinkids #childanxiety #parenting #parent
This is not bad behaviour. It’s big behaviour a from a brain that has registered threat and is working hard to feel safe again. 

‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what the brain perceives. The brain can perceive threat when there is any chance missing out on or messing up something important, anything that feels unfamiliar, hard, or challenging, feeling misunderstood, thinking you might be angry or disappointed with them, being separated from you, being hungry or tired, anything that pushes against their sensory needs - so many things. 

During anxiety, the amygdala in the brain is switched to high volume, so other big feelings will be too. This might look like tears, sadness, or anger. 

Big feelings have a good reason for being there. The amygdala has the very important job of keeping us safe, and it does this beautifully, but not always with grace. One of the ways the amygdala keeps us safe is by calling on big feelings to recruit social support. When big feelings happen, people notice. They might not always notice the way we want to be noticed, but we are noticed. This increases our chances of safety. 

Of course, kids and teens still need our guidance and leadership and the conversations that grow them, but not during the emotional storm. They just won’t hear you anyway because their brain is too busy trying to get back to safety. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed or ‘grown’. They want to feel seen, safe and heard. 

During the storm, preserve your connection with them as much as you can. You might not always be able to do this, and that’s okay. None of this is about perfection. If you have a rupture, repair it as soon as you can. Then, when their brains and bodies come back to calm, this is the time for the conversations that will grow them. 

Rather than, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, shift to, ‘What support do they need to do better?’ The greatest support will come from you in a way they can receive: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re the most wonderful kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
Big behaviour is a sign of a nervous system in distress. Before anything, that vulnerable nervous system needs to be brought back home to felt safety. 

This will happen most powerfully with relationship and connection. Breathe and be with. Let them know you get it. This can happen with words or nonverbals. It’s about feeling what they feel, but staying regulated.

If they want space, give them space but stay in emotional proximity, ‘Ok I’m just going to stay over here. I’m right here if you need.’

If they’re using spicy words to make sure there is no confusion about how they feel about you right now, flag the behaviour, then make your intent clear, ‘I know how upset you are and I want to understand more about what’s happening for you. I’m not going to do this while you’re speaking to me like this. You can still be mad, but you need to be respectful. I’m here for you.’

Think of how you would respond if a friend was telling you about something that upset her. You wouldn’t tell her to calm down, or try to fix her (she’s not broken), or talk to her about her behaviour. You would just be there. You would ‘drop an anchor’ and steady those rough seas around her until she feels okay enough again. Along the way you would be doing things that let her know your intent to support her. You’d do this with you facial expressions, your voice, your body, your posture. You’d feel her feels, and she’d feel you ‘getting her’. It’s about letting her know that you understand what she’s feeling, even if you don’t understand why (or agree with why). 

It’s the same for our children. As their important big people, they also need leadership. The time for this is after the storm has passed, when their brains and bodies feel safe and calm. Because of your relationship, connection and their felt sense of safety, you will have access to their ‘thinking brain’. This is the time for those meaningful conversations: 
- ‘What happened?’
- ‘What did I do that helped/ didn’t help?’
- ‘What can you do differently next time?’
- ‘You’re a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
As children grow, and especially by adolescence, we have the illusion of control but whether or not we have any real influence will be up to them. The temptation to control our children will always come from a place of love. Fear will likely have a heavy hand in there too. When they fall, we’ll feel it. Sometimes it will feel like an ache in our core. Sometimes it will feel like failure or guilt, or anger. We might wish we could have stopped them, pushed a little harder, warned a little bigger, stood a little closer. We’re parents and we’re human and it’s what this parenting thing does. It makes fear and anxiety billow around us like lost smoke, too easily.

Remember, they want you to be proud of them, and they want to do the right thing. When they feel your curiosity over judgement, and the safety of you over shame, it will be easier for them to open up to you. Nobody will guide them better than you because nobody will care more about where they land. They know this, but the magic happens when they also know that you are safe and that you will hold them, their needs, their opinions and feelings with strong, gentle, loving hands, no matter what.♥️
Anger is the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. It has important work to do. Anger never exists on its own. It exists to hold other more vulnerable emotions in a way that feels safer. It’s sometimes feels easier, safer, more acceptable, stronger to feel the ‘big’ that comes with anger, than the vulnerability that comes with anxiety, sadness, loneliness. This isn’t deliberate. It’s just another way our bodies and brains try to keep us safe. 

The problem isn’t the anger. The problem is the behaviour that can come with the anger. Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. When children are angry, as long as they are safe and others are safe, we don’t need to fix their anger. They aren’t broken. Instead, drop the anchor: as much as you can - and this won’t always be easy - be a calm, steadying, loving presence to help bring their nervous systems back home to calm. 

Then, when they are truly calm, and with love and leadership, have the conversations that will grow them - 
- What happened? 
- What can you do differently next time?
- You’re a really great kid. I know you didn’t want this to happen but here we are. How can you make things right. Would you like some ideas? Do you need some help with that?
- What did I do that helped? What did I do that didn’t help? Is there something that might feel more helpful next time?

When their behaviour falls short of ‘adorable’, rather than asking ‘What consequences they need to do better?’ let the question be, ‘What support do they need to do better.’ Often, the biggest support will be a conversation with you, and that will be enough.♥️
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#parenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #anxietyinkids

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