Learning To Guide Instead of Push

Learning to Guide Instead of Push

Envision a scenario with your child in a public place, behaving in a way that is not acceptable. Now consider your standard response to his or her poor behavior(s) as you look around and see the disapproving expressions of others. While struggling to keep the onset of rage unnoticeable, the reactions of common strangers can sometimes be the breaking point.

Even more, consider the redundant (and, at times, frustrating) input so freely offered by family members. From their perspective, this expert advice is based on tried-and-tested experience, of course. If they did not ridicule you about the way you discipline your children, it could be an epic failure on their part. And most importantly, because of their loving desire for you to learn from their successful parenthood, it would be a great disservice to stand by and allow you to parent differently.

Um, okay.

In their defence, I believe most people who offer parenting advice have truly good intentions. However, there are times when it would be easier to stay home where you can determine what works best for each child, and avoid unwarranted feedback.

What’s different about parenting today, to the way it was a generation ago?

Keep this in mind – older generations faced many of the same challenges when raising their kids, and now we are experiencing a host of new concerns and influencers that have only developed in recent years.

1.  Technology

Electronics have not only progressed at lightning speed, but they’ve become mandatory for academic learning. Let’s be honest – without a tablet and an interactive site or software app, many kids would have been behind when they started Pre-K. Expectations are higher to meet the needs of our swiftly-evolving tech world.

Academic success was once based on hands-on teaching, in-person with large text books, reinforced by decent studying practices. Today, we assume children should attend school, but already know most of the material. Add normal childhood learning experiences, plus the task of learning how to work every new gadget that is introduced, and suddenly it’s understandable that they might have more anxiety and stress-related health issues than we ever did.

2.   Social Acceptance

Society has dramatically changed over the decades, and several large adjustments have taken place within the past few years. Acceptance used to mean being nice instead of bullying. Today, social acceptance runs far beyond behavior, even exceeding racial and economic concerns that once determined the parameters of inclusion.

With the goal of teaching children how to recognize and accept the differences in others, there is also the matter of helping them find their own way and not become misguided. Looking ahead, the standard topics of “the birds and the bees” look pretty dull in comparison.

3.   Parental Acceptance

Our children aren’t the only ones who want to be accepted. We are too.

How many times have you responded differently to your child’s behavior to meet the approval of those around you?

And how many of those times could you have maintained your own disciplinary plan, knowing and believing the consistency and nurturing methods would pay off, even if positive results were not noticeable at the time?

Parenthood is not for the weak. I can attest that it is the happiest, but most understated role there is. In a perfect bubble with my little family, life would be great! But in reality, shielding ourselves and our children from the world will not fix our problems. We cannot mould our behaviors to fit the expectations of everyone around us. And there is no benefit to foregoing the strategies we believe are best for our children.

4.   Tradition

Generations have slowly softened, and we are in a time that is much more liberal. All the while, we may feel that we are faced with only two options: following in the footsteps of (1) our parents, or (2) society.

The thought of walking in the footsteps of our parents can seem overbearing…

“If I had acted like that, my daddy would have…..!”

“Well, you weren’t allowed to act that way….!”

And friends all move in their own directions, with no single method that works for all of them. It is not easy finding sound advice, and proactive research is very helpful before you are caught in an unexpected situation and simply reacting. Even if the past seems oppressive and discriminatory, the thought of having a common road map for the modern mom sounds terrific. Without a consistent form of communication and discipline to observe around them, how can our children learn a sound model of parenting?

Consider the best of both worlds.

‘Old school’ parenting offers aspects that are very favorable in guiding a child. Through the mother’s availability and nurturing behavior, children felt safe and secure. The father, who was the family’s provider and disciplinarian, offered a solid understanding of daily expectations and consequences.

Modern parenting may not mean acting in these specific roles, but the behaviors are just as meaningful.

5.   Science

Research in the fields of behavioral and social sciences has been very beneficial in understanding the causes of behavior, and how to handle them.

According to a recent research study on varied parenting discipline and the response in children, the importance of positive parenting continues to top the list of Parenting 101. Structure, with assertive and supportive boundaries, demonstrated better outcomes. Negative consequences resulted from those who did not include these important aspects.

Why does consistency matter?

When I talk to my kids, I expect them to listen. One sunny afternoon, following an entire week of rain, I could not understand how (or why) my sons could not be excited on our ride home from school. After all, we could go outside. After drilling them with questions to determine what the problem was, they had become more irritable and began a back seat brawl. Finally, I was forced to pull over.

I had calmly spoken to them as long as I could, and proceeded to flip out – yes, with full-blown yelling and wild gesturing – right on the side of the road in oncoming traffic. I felt my face burning red, and stopped abruptly when I ran out of air. My sons sat there staring at the crazy lady standing before them.

“You tell us to stop shouting, and then you shout at us! How fair is that, Mom?” my oldest son inquired in his dry, almost-teenager-but-not-there-yet voice.

Let’s gain perspective. Yes, I looked nuts. HOWEVER, I felt I was justified in my actions – I would never act like that if they would not push me so far!

Wrong.

I am learning that consistency sounds amazing and fuzzy and promising. But it is hard. And I mean, physically demanding. I began back-pedaling, fast.

Herein lies the problem. Attempting to reason with children sounds ridiculous. They are just little people, after all. But we forget they do have feelings, and experience emotions they do not yet understand. Reasoning with them does not mean trying to have an adult conversation – it means caring enough to first understand the root of their emotions, and how they may be responding visibly. Until they are guided through these emotions and given acceptable ways to communicate their feelings, a child only knows he or she is just unhappy and wants someone to know it.

The National Institute of Health provided the results of a study on how the actions of parents influence children. From their research on 978 parents of various cultures and ethnicities, they determined that a parent’s discipline responses play an integral role in influencing a child’s socialization as an adult. Hostility, aggression, negative stress responses, and other negative observations have long-term effects on our children.

We have no choice but to consider how we can help our children, instead of harming them with our own behaviors.

Develop a long-term action plan.

Take a deep breath before responding to unacceptable behavior, and ask yourself the following questions:

–       Did something happen earlier in the day to trigger or instigate the actions you are seeing?

–       Are you being firm, yet supportive?

–       Is your response going to show your love and concern for him or her?

–       Will your reaction be fair and justified?

The first step to guiding is to remember children are learning.  On a calm day when you are not feeling overwhelmed, note common triggers to certain problem behaviors. Once you identify a pattern, it is easier to determine how to handle each situation. Rather than always avoiding them, sit your child down to talk through a scenario and how you expect he or she to behave. In doing so, you may be surprised at the progress you see.

Next, get to know your child. Understand what makes them happy and what you can do on a daily basis to reinforce your love for them. Talking is not an easy task for some, and it helps to be flexible in your delivery.

Finally, interact. Your child is not an adult, and this is a wonderful time to teach him or her how to communicate effectively. It is also the perfect opportunity to encounter difficult topics or situations, and work through them as they arise.

Regardless how you end up moving forward, the intentions that drive your actions will make or break your parenting model.  Don’t be afraid to make changes, and embrace your own motherly instincts.  You will one day look back and be glad for the changes you made!


About the Author: Shannon Jones

Shannon writes to encourage others through the journeys of parenthood, marriage, and other life stages, while offering insight into the sources of behavioral and communicative issues. She and her husband are founders of The GRACE Project, a non-profit organization that focuses on awareness and prevention of human trafficking, which provides free services to victims of abuse and single mothers.  Grounded in her faith, Shannon sings and reads, smiling through life’s lessons and embracing each day with enthusiasm.

In her goal to educate others, she studies published journals and medical reviews that offer evidence-based solutions through experimental research and case studies. Shannon is currently pursuing a Ph.D. in the field of psychology, with specializations in behavior and neuroscience.

 

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‘Brave’ doesn’t always feel like certain, or strong, or ready. In fact, it rarely does. That what makes it brave.♥️
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#parenting #mindfulparenting #parentingtips
We teach our kids to respect adults and other children, and they should – respect is an important part of growing up to be a pretty great human. There’s something else though that’s even more important – teaching them to respect themselves first. 

We can’t stop difficult people coming into their lives. They might be teachers, coaches, peers, and eventually, colleagues, or perhaps people connected to the people who love them. What we can do though is give our kids independence of mind and permission to recognise that person and their behaviour as unacceptable to them. We can teach our kids that being kind and respectful doesn’t necessarily mean accepting someone’s behaviour, beliefs or influence. 

The kindness and respect we teach our children to show to others should never be used against them by those broken others who might do harm. We have to recognise as adults that the words and attitudes directed to our children can be just as damaging as anything physical. 

If the behaviour is from an adult, it’s up to us to guard our child’s safe space in the world even harder. That might be by withdrawing support for the adult, using our own voice with the adult to elevate our child’s, asking our child what they need and how we can help, helping them find their voice, withdrawing them from the environment. 

Of course there will be times our children do or say things that aren’t okay, but this never makes it okay for any adult in your child’s life to treat them in a way that leads them to feeling ‘less than’.

Sometimes the difficult person will be a peer. There is no ‘one certain way’ to deal with this. Sometimes it will involve mediation, role playing responses, clarifying the other child’s behaviour, asking for support from other adults in the environment, or letting go of the friendship.

Learning that it’s okay to let go of relationships is such an important part of full living. Too often we hold on to people who don’t deserve us. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay and if we can help our children start to think about this when they’re young, they’ll be so much more empowered and deliberate in their relationships when they’re older.♥️
When we are angry, there will always be another emotion underneath it. It is this way for all of us. 

Anger itself is a valid emotion so it’s important not to dismiss it. Emotion is e-motion - energy in motion. It has to find a way out, which is why telling an angry child to calm down or to keep their bodies still will only make things worse for them. They might comply, but their bodies will still be in a state of distress. 

Often, beneath an angry child is an anxious one needing our help. It’s the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. As with all emotions, anger has a job to do - to help us to safety through movement, or to recruit support, or to give us the physical resources to meet a need or to change something that needs changing. It doesn’t mean it does the job well, because an angry brain means the feeling brain has the baton, while the thinking brain sits out for a while. What it means is that there is a valid need there and this young person is doing their very best to meet it, given their available resources in the moment or their developmental stage. 

Children need the same thing we all need when we’re feeling fierce - to be seen,  heard, and supported; to find a way to get the energy out, either with words or movement. Not to be shut down or ‘fixed’. 

Our job isn’t to stop their anger, but to help them find ways to feel it and express it in ways that don’t do damage. This will take lots of experience, and lots of time - and that’s okay.♥️
The SCCR Online Conference 2021 is a wonderful initiative by @sccrcentre (Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution) which will explore ’The Power of Reconnection’. I’ve been working with SCCR for many years. They do incredible work to build relationships between young people and the important adults around them, and I’m excited to be working with them again as part of this conference.

More than ever, relationships matter. They heal, provide a buffer against stress, and make the world feel a little softer and safer for our young people. Building meaningful connections can take time, and even the strongest relationships can feel the effects of disconnection from time to time. As part of this free webinar, I’ll be talking about the power of attachment relationships, and ways to build relationships with the children and teens in your life that protect, strengthen, and heal. 

The workshop will be on Monday 11 October at 7pm Brisbane, Australia time (10am Scotland time). The link to register is in my story.
There are many things that can send a nervous system into distress. These can include physiological (tired, hungry, unwell), sensory overload/ underload, real or perceived threat (anxiety), stressed resources (having to share, pay attention, learn new things, putting a lid on what they really think or want - the things that can send any of us to the end of ourselves).

Most of the time it’s developmental - the grown up brain is being built and still has a way to go. Like all beautiful, strong, important things, brains take time to build. The part of the brain that has a heavy hand in regulation launches into its big developmental window when kids are about 6 years old. It won’t be fully done developing until mid-late 20s. This is a great thing - it means we have a wide window of influence, and there is no hurry.

Like any building work, on the way to completion things will get messy sometimes - and that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of your young one and it’s not a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of a brain in the midst of a build. It’s wondrous and fascinating and frustrating and maddening - it’s all the things.

The messy times are part of their development, not glitches in it. They are how it’s meant to be. They are important opportunities for us to influence their growth. It’s just how it happens. We have to be careful not to judge our children or ourselves because of these messy times, or let the judgement of others fill the space where love, curiosity, and gentle guidance should be. For sure, some days this will be easy, and some days it will feel harder - like splitting an atom with an axe kind of hard.

Their growth will always be best nurtured in the calm, loving space beside us. It won’t happen through punishment, ever. Consequences have a place if they make sense and are delivered in a way that doesn’t shame or separate them from us, either physically or emotionally. The best ‘consequence’ is the conversation with you in a space that is held by your warm loving strong presence, in a way that makes it safe for both of you to be curious, explore options, and understand what happened.♥️
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#mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #parenting

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