by Shannon Jones

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Learning To Guide Instead of Push

Learning to Guide Instead of Push

Envision a scenario with your child in a public place, behaving in a way that is not acceptable. Now consider your standard response to his or her poor behavior(s) as you look around and see the disapproving expressions of others. While struggling to keep the onset of rage unnoticeable, the reactions of common strangers can sometimes be the breaking point.

Even more, consider the redundant (and, at times, frustrating) input so freely offered by family members. From their perspective, this expert advice is based on tried-and-tested experience, of course. If they did not ridicule you about the way you discipline your children, it could be an epic failure on their part. And most importantly, because of their loving desire for you to learn from their successful parenthood, it would be a great disservice to stand by and allow you to parent differently.

Um, okay.

In their defence, I believe most people who offer parenting advice have truly good intentions. However, there are times when it would be easier to stay home where you can determine what works best for each child, and avoid unwarranted feedback.

What’s different about parenting today, to the way it was a generation ago?

Keep this in mind – older generations faced many of the same challenges when raising their kids, and now we are experiencing a host of new concerns and influencers that have only developed in recent years.

1.  Technology

Electronics have not only progressed at lightning speed, but they’ve become mandatory for academic learning. Let’s be honest – without a tablet and an interactive site or software app, many kids would have been behind when they started Pre-K. Expectations are higher to meet the needs of our swiftly-evolving tech world.

Academic success was once based on hands-on teaching, in-person with large text books, reinforced by decent studying practices. Today, we assume children should attend school, but already know most of the material. Add normal childhood learning experiences, plus the task of learning how to work every new gadget that is introduced, and suddenly it’s understandable that they might have more anxiety and stress-related health issues than we ever did.

2.   Social Acceptance

Society has dramatically changed over the decades, and several large adjustments have taken place within the past few years. Acceptance used to mean being nice instead of bullying. Today, social acceptance runs far beyond behavior, even exceeding racial and economic concerns that once determined the parameters of inclusion.

With the goal of teaching children how to recognize and accept the differences in others, there is also the matter of helping them find their own way and not become misguided. Looking ahead, the standard topics of “the birds and the bees” look pretty dull in comparison.

3.   Parental Acceptance

Our children aren’t the only ones who want to be accepted. We are too.

How many times have you responded differently to your child’s behavior to meet the approval of those around you?

And how many of those times could you have maintained your own disciplinary plan, knowing and believing the consistency and nurturing methods would pay off, even if positive results were not noticeable at the time?

Parenthood is not for the weak. I can attest that it is the happiest, but most understated role there is. In a perfect bubble with my little family, life would be great! But in reality, shielding ourselves and our children from the world will not fix our problems. We cannot mould our behaviors to fit the expectations of everyone around us. And there is no benefit to foregoing the strategies we believe are best for our children.

4.   Tradition

Generations have slowly softened, and we are in a time that is much more liberal. All the while, we may feel that we are faced with only two options: following in the footsteps of (1) our parents, or (2) society.

The thought of walking in the footsteps of our parents can seem overbearing…

“If I had acted like that, my daddy would have…..!”

“Well, you weren’t allowed to act that way….!”

And friends all move in their own directions, with no single method that works for all of them. It is not easy finding sound advice, and proactive research is very helpful before you are caught in an unexpected situation and simply reacting. Even if the past seems oppressive and discriminatory, the thought of having a common road map for the modern mom sounds terrific. Without a consistent form of communication and discipline to observe around them, how can our children learn a sound model of parenting?

Consider the best of both worlds.

‘Old school’ parenting offers aspects that are very favorable in guiding a child. Through the mother’s availability and nurturing behavior, children felt safe and secure. The father, who was the family’s provider and disciplinarian, offered a solid understanding of daily expectations and consequences.

Modern parenting may not mean acting in these specific roles, but the behaviors are just as meaningful.

5.   Science

Research in the fields of behavioral and social sciences has been very beneficial in understanding the causes of behavior, and how to handle them.

According to a recent research study on varied parenting discipline and the response in children, the importance of positive parenting continues to top the list of Parenting 101. Structure, with assertive and supportive boundaries, demonstrated better outcomes. Negative consequences resulted from those who did not include these important aspects.

Why does consistency matter?

When I talk to my kids, I expect them to listen. One sunny afternoon, following an entire week of rain, I could not understand how (or why) my sons could not be excited on our ride home from school. After all, we could go outside. After drilling them with questions to determine what the problem was, they had become more irritable and began a back seat brawl. Finally, I was forced to pull over.

I had calmly spoken to them as long as I could, and proceeded to flip out – yes, with full-blown yelling and wild gesturing – right on the side of the road in oncoming traffic. I felt my face burning red, and stopped abruptly when I ran out of air. My sons sat there staring at the crazy lady standing before them.

“You tell us to stop shouting, and then you shout at us! How fair is that, Mom?” my oldest son inquired in his dry, almost-teenager-but-not-there-yet voice.

Let’s gain perspective. Yes, I looked nuts. HOWEVER, I felt I was justified in my actions – I would never act like that if they would not push me so far!

Wrong.

I am learning that consistency sounds amazing and fuzzy and promising. But it is hard. And I mean, physically demanding. I began back-pedaling, fast.

Herein lies the problem. Attempting to reason with children sounds ridiculous. They are just little people, after all. But we forget they do have feelings, and experience emotions they do not yet understand. Reasoning with them does not mean trying to have an adult conversation – it means caring enough to first understand the root of their emotions, and how they may be responding visibly. Until they are guided through these emotions and given acceptable ways to communicate their feelings, a child only knows he or she is just unhappy and wants someone to know it.

The National Institute of Health provided the results of a study on how the actions of parents influence children. From their research on 978 parents of various cultures and ethnicities, they determined that a parent’s discipline responses play an integral role in influencing a child’s socialization as an adult. Hostility, aggression, negative stress responses, and other negative observations have long-term effects on our children.

We have no choice but to consider how we can help our children, instead of harming them with our own behaviors.

Develop a long-term action plan.

Take a deep breath before responding to unacceptable behavior, and ask yourself the following questions:

–       Did something happen earlier in the day to trigger or instigate the actions you are seeing?

–       Are you being firm, yet supportive?

–       Is your response going to show your love and concern for him or her?

–       Will your reaction be fair and justified?

The first step to guiding is to remember children are learning.  On a calm day when you are not feeling overwhelmed, note common triggers to certain problem behaviors. Once you identify a pattern, it is easier to determine how to handle each situation. Rather than always avoiding them, sit your child down to talk through a scenario and how you expect he or she to behave. In doing so, you may be surprised at the progress you see.

Next, get to know your child. Understand what makes them happy and what you can do on a daily basis to reinforce your love for them. Talking is not an easy task for some, and it helps to be flexible in your delivery.

Finally, interact. Your child is not an adult, and this is a wonderful time to teach him or her how to communicate effectively. It is also the perfect opportunity to encounter difficult topics or situations, and work through them as they arise.

Regardless how you end up moving forward, the intentions that drive your actions will make or break your parenting model.  Don’t be afraid to make changes, and embrace your own motherly instincts.  You will one day look back and be glad for the changes you made!

About the Author: Shannon Jones

Shannon writes to encourage others through the journeys of parenthood, marriage, and other life stages, while offering insight into the sources of behavioral and communicative issues. She and her husband are founders of The GRACE Project, a non-profit organization that focuses on awareness and prevention of human trafficking, which provides free services to victims of abuse and single mothers.  Grounded in her faith, Shannon sings and reads, smiling through life’s lessons and embracing each day with enthusiasm.

In her goal to educate others, she studies published journals and medical reviews that offer evidence-based solutions through experimental research and case studies. Shannon is currently pursuing a Ph.D. in the field of psychology, with specializations in behavior and neuroscience.

 

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Melbourne, Adelaide … Will you join us?

The @resilientkidsconference is coming to Melbourne (15 July) and Adelaide (2 September), and we’d love you to join us.

We’ve had a phenomenal response to this conference. Parents and carers are telling us that they’re walking away feeling even more confident, with strategies and information they can use straight away. That’s what this conference is all about.

We know taking care of the young people in our lives is up there with the most important thing we can do. Why shouldn’t there be a conference for parents and carers?!

I’ll be joining with @maggiedentauthor, @michellemitchell.author, and @drjustincoulson. We’ve got you covered! And we’re there for the day, with you.

For tickets or more info, search ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ on Google, or go to this link https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.

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Jun 3

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Melbourne, Adelaide … Will you join us? The @resilientkidsconference is coming to Melbourne (15 July) and Adelaide (2 September), and we’d love you to join us. We’ve had a phenomenal response to this conference. Parents and carers are telling us that they’re walking away feeling even more confident, with strategies and information they can use straight away. That’s what this conference is all about. We know taking care of the young people in our lives is up there with the most important thing we can do. Why shouldn’t there be a conference for parents and carers?! I’ll be joining with @maggiedentauthor, @michellemitchell.author, and @drjustincoulson. We’ve got you covered! And we’re there for the day, with you. For tickets or more info, search ‘Resilient Kids Conference’ on Google, or go to this link https://www.resilientkidsconference.com.au/conference/.

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We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels.

Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder.

There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over.

This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior.

What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable.

What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together.

Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you.

First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human.

Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light:

‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we.

You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️

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Jun 1

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We have to change the way we talk about anxiety. If we talk about it as a disorder, this is how it feels. Yes anxiety can be so crushing, and yes it can intrude into every part of their everyday. But the more we talk about anxiety as a disorder, the more we drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Even for big anxiety, there is nothing to be served in talking about it as a disorder. There is another option. We change the face of it - from an intruder or deficiency, to an ally. We change the story - from ‘There’s something wrong with me’ to, ‘I’m doing something hard.’ I’ve seen the difference this makes, over and over. This doesn’t mean we ignore anxiety. Actually we do the opposite. We acknowledge it. We explain it for what it is: the healthy, powerful response of a magnificent brain that is doing exactly what brains are meant to do - protect us. This is why I wrote Hey Warrior. What we focus on is what becomes powerful. If we focus on the anxiety, it will big itself up to unbearable. What we need to do is focus on both sides - the anxiety and the brave. Anxiety, courage, strength - they all exist together. Anxiety isn’t the absence of brave, it’s the calling of brave. It’s there because you’re about to do something hard, brave, meaningful - not because there’s something wrong with you. First, acknowledge the anxiety. Without this validation, anxiety will continue to do its job and prepare the body for fight or flight, and drive big feelings to recruit the safety of another human. Then, we speak to the brave. We know it’s there, so we usher it into the light: ‘Yes I know this is big. It’s hard [being away from the people you love] isn’t it. And I know you can do this. We can do hard things can’t we. You are one of the bravest, strongest people I know. Being brave feels scary and hard sometimes doesn’t it. It feels like brave isn’t there, but it’s always there. Always. And you know what else I know? It gets easier every time. I’ve know this because I’ve seen you do hard things, and because I’ve felt like this too, so many times. I know that you and me, even when we feel anxious, we can do brave. It’s always in you. I know that for certain.’♥️

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Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others.

Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own.

If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs.

In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable.

Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree.

They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option.

If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first.

It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either:
- We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them.
- We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary.

But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️

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May 29

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Our job as parents isn’t to remove their distress around boundaries, but to give them the experiences to recognise they can handle boundaries - holding theirs and respecting the boundaries others. Every time we hold a boundary, we are giving our kids the precious opportunity to learn how to hold their own. If we don’t have boundaries, the risk is that our children won’t either. We can talk all we want about the importance of boundaries, but if we don’t show them, how can they learn? Inadvertently, by avoiding boundary collisions with them, we are teaching them to avoid conflict at all costs. In practice, this might look like learning to put themselves, their needs, and their feelings away for the sake of peace. Alternatively, they might feel the need to control other people and situations even more. If they haven’t had the experience of surviving a collision of needs or wants, and feeling loved and accepted through that, conflicting needs will feel scary and intolerable. Similarly, if we hold our boundaries too harshly and meet their boundary collisions with shame, yelling, punishment or harsh consequences, this is how we’re teaching them to respond to disagreement, or diverse needs and wants. We’re teaching them to yell, fight dirty, punish, or overbear those who disagree. They might also go the other way. If boundaries are associated with feeling shamed, lonely, ‘bad’, they might instead surrender boundaries and again put themselves away to preserve the relationship and the comfort of others. This is because any boundary they hold might feel too much, too cruel, or too rejecting, so ‘no boundary’ will be the safest option. If we want our children to hold their boundaries respectfully and kindly, and with strength, we will have to go first. It’s easy to think there are only two options. Either: - We focus on the boundary at the expense of the relationship and staying connected to them. - We focus on the connection at the expense of the boundary. But there is a third option, and that is to do both - at the same time. We hold the boundary, while at the same time we attend to the relationship. We hold the boundary, but with warmth.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel.

Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time.

In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like:

‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’

Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation:

‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful.

What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️

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May 25

Open
Sometimes finding the right words is hard. When their words are angry and out of control, it’s because that’s how they feel. Eventually we want to grow them into people who can feel all their feelings and lasso them into words that won’t break people, but this will take time. In the meantime, they’ll need us to model the words and hold the boundaries firmly and lovingly. This might sound like: ‘It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay not to like my decision. It’s not okay to speak to me like that. I know you know that. My answer is still no.’ Then, when they’re back to calm, have the conversation: ‘I wonder if sometimes when you say you don’t like me, what you really mean is that you don’t like what I’ve done. It’s okay to be angry at me. It’s okay to tell me you’re angry at me. It’s not okay to be disrespectful. What’s important is that you don’t let what someone has done turn you into someone you’re not. You’re such a great kid. You’re fun, funny, kind, honest, respectful. I know you know that yelling mean things isn’t okay. What might be a better way to tell me that you’re angry, or annoyed at what I’ve said?’♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails.

Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly.

Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them.

Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us.

They need both: boundaries, held lovingly.

First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken.

If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary.

Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R).

If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them.

If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you.

Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

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May 23

Open
We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are. Without boundaries it can feel like walking along the edge of a mountain without guard rails. Boundaries must come with two things - love and leadership. They shouldn’t feel hollow, and they don’t need to feel like brick walls. They can be held firmly and lovingly. Boundaries without the ‘loving’ will feel shaming, lonely, harsh. Understandably children will want to shield from this. This ‘shielding’ looks like keeping their messes from us. We drive them into the secretive and the forbidden because we squander precious opportunities to guide them. Harsh consequences don’t teach them to avoid bad decisions. They teach them to avoid us. They need both: boundaries, held lovingly. First, decide on the boundary. Boundaries aren’t about what we want them to do. We can’t control that. Boundaries are about what we’ll do when the rules are broken. If the rule is, ‘Be respectful’ - they’re in charge of what they do, you’re in charge of the boundary. Attend to boundaries AND relationship. ‘It’s okay to be angry at me. (Rel’ship) No, I won’t let you speak to me like that. (Boundary). I want to hear what you have to say. (R). I won’t listen while you’re speaking like that. (B). I’m going to wait until you can speak in a way I can hear. I’m right here. (R). If the ‘leadership’ part is hard, think about what boundaries meant for you when you were young. If they felt cruel or shaming, it’s understandable that that’s how boundaries feel for you now. You don’t have to do boundaries the way your parents did. Don’t get rid of the boundary. Add in a loving way to hold them. If the ‘loving’ part is hard, and if their behaviour enrages you, what was it like for you when you had big feelings as a child? If nobody supported you through feelings or behaviour, it’s understandable that their big feelings and behaviour will drive anger in you. Anger exists as a shield for other more vulnerable feelings. What might your anger be shielding - loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling unseen? See through the behaviour to the need or feeling behind it: This is a great kid who is struggling right now. Reject the behaviour, support the child.♥️

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