By Sharon Rowe
Sometimes I wish there was some physical sign that would show the suffering I feel on the inside. If I had a broken leg I would wear a plaster cast, but because my illness is inside my head, no one really knows how or what I feel unless I choose to share.
This is just one reason why I talk about my depression and anxiety to let others who are suffering with this illness, know they are not alone and this can help. Others are feeling like you and if telling how I feel helps one person to seek the help they need, then my words have not been for nothing. In truth just putting these down on paper giving it a voice that it craves is empowering for me, it helps me focus on the positive, the things I accomplish on a daily basis, knowing that some days even just the small things are an achievement.
Why I Give My Depression and Anxiety A Voice
Giving my depression and anxiety a voice is kind of scary too. It is like opening up a door directly into my mind. I have those thoughts that scare me and I wonder if you might all think I am some crazy person. In reality I am not, I just live with an illness that I am learning to deal with and manage so my life is worth living, doing the things that I want to do.
There are good days and bad days, we can all have these but when I have bad days it really can be so bad, that I just have no desire to do anything and that can include even brushing my hair. It is difficult to explain how I feel, it is like there is so much inside my brain that it wants to explode, but then the easiest way for me to get this fog out is to write, it is as though there is too much information with nowhere to go. This makes me feel intelligent when I explain it like this!
Sometimes even the most simplest of tasks are overwhelming, more than I can handle on my own. Imagine knowing that you need to walk your dogs at some point in the day and you spend the whole day putting off this task because you can’t bring yourself to walk out the front door. Yet when there is someone with me, I have no problems putting on my shoes and walking my dogs.
I build this activity up in my mind imagining all sorts of scenarios that in reality probably never happen, yet in my mind, just the thought of these stops me dead at the door and I am unable to make it outside to walk the dogs. Yet they need to use the same door if they need to go out to the toilet and I have no problems doing this!
A word that I have found in my vocabulary lately is overwhelming, it is the best way for me to describe to others how I am feeling. It doesn’t cover the extent but it does give a basic idea that the situation I am facing is becoming too much for me. I think it is like my code word for get me out of here!
It can be in any situation, from too much needs doing around the house, I don’t mean like decorating just cleaning, it can become overwhelming if I see too much that needs doing. Then I just cannot face any of it, I just don’t know where to start. I think my coping mechanisms have started clicking in and I cannot see any of it and it is as though the mess is not in my home.
This situation is very difficult for me because I am a perfectionist, others don’t clean the same way that I do and letting go of the thought, that if you can’t do it right, why do it. However, in truth even if something is cleaned to a less than perfect standard it is better than before.
There is hope, there is meaning to life and it is about dealing with the challenges of life and accepting the condition, depression and anxiety is a part of me but it is not going to rule me, I am going to take the lead to where I want to be.
Sharon is a wife of 24 years and a mother to three children with the youngest being 17. She is a full-time writer and blogger at How To Get Organized At Home and spends her day working on her blog or creating great content for other people. She lives in Cumbria, in the UK with her dogs and loves creating lists, organizing, and cleaning her home.