Navigating the Anxiety of Growing Up

Navigating the Anxiety of Growing Up
By Sarah Sacks

 Long after the children had gone to bed, I came home last night to learn that our youngest had asked the question “Dad…is the Tooth Fairy real?” 

Three kids on, between us we’ve been asked this question many times and dodged it, in so many ways.  But this time, my husband confessed he couldn’t turn away from her direct and insistent gaze.

In his recounting of the story, I learn there were tears from her around the relief in finally knowing the truth, especially as she was being teased at school for still “believing”.  Combined with tears of confusion as it dawned another enormous step toward leaving her childhood behind.

Our youngest is 10 very soon.  We live in a first world country, where everyone is busy.  I was busy that night.  For the children and the parents alike, there are places to be, classes to attend, meetings to be had.  But at what cost? 

Taking the time to slow things down and acknowledge for both ourselves and our children that transition is occurring is critical to everyone’s wellbeing. 

For everyone change is hard.  It is a time of moving from the known to the unknown.  And with that comes fear.  Fear of will I be enough to cope?  Who will I become?  Will be alone in this new world?  Will someone be there to help me when I struggle in this new place?  These fears, often exhibited as anxiety, are as true for a child as they are for an adult.

When change is occurring for a child and you recognize how scary and unfamiliar it is for them, how it is hard it is to say goodbye to what they have known, that there will be times that they will wish they could go back to the past, and that through all of it, you will be there for them – is one of the best gifts we can give our children. 

The key here is time.  It takes time to offer someone who is fearful or in pain the space to slow down, feel safe and experience.

Sometimes as parents our child’s pain is more than we can bear, at others we may feel some guidance may be necessary.  In these instances, professionals experienced in working with children can help.

Finally take a moment and think about how you navigate change and what you do to address your fears and anxieties during transitions.  As parents it is these moments of modeling, combined with the times of being with our children as they try to navigate their own struggles, that will largely define our children’s capacity to tolerate change.  For you and your children, slow down and take time to be with both your and their experiences.  You are giving your child a gift.

I wasn’t there yesterday when the big question was asked and the truth revealed, but today I met our daughter at the school bus, so that we could spend the afternoon together.  On our walk home, she tells me about her chapped lips and that the best lip balm is “the one Santa gave me…I mean you gave me”.  We talk about how it makes her cry to think of Santa and the Tooth Fairy not being real.  And I am quietly thinking how it makes me cry, seeing our littlest growing up.  It is a transition for all of us, that we all have to navigate.  Holding each other along the way.


About the Author: Sarah Sacks

Sarah is a qualified and experienced counsellor, meditation teacher and group facilitator.  

Sarah’s years of body based based practices, in meditation and yoga, have led Sarah to believe in the inherent wisdom of the body.  In line with this belief, Sarah has trained and qualified as a Whole Body Focusing Orientated Therapist, Transpersonal Counsellor, Holistic Counsellor, Meditation Teacher and is currently continuing her training in Group Psychotherapy Facilitation.  

Over the last 5 years Sarah has worked in the not-for-profit sector, the community health sector and privately, as a generalist counsellor and group facilitator.  Sarah has experience working with children, families and adults around issues of; isolation, anxiety, depression, grief, loss, trauma, anger, separation, addiction and general mental health.  

Sarah’s warm and intuitive counselling style, along with her extensive life experience, enables Sarah to gently support her clients towards their own path of change.

Qualifications – Bachelor of Holistic Counselling, Diploma of Transpersonal Counselling, Bachelor of Business (International Marketing & Trade), Diploma of Arts (Japanese), ACA (level 2), qualifying member for CAPAV

You can find Sarah at The Grove Counselling and Therapy and on Facebook.

See the The Grove’s ‘Training and Events’ page for more information about training and events offered by the Grove, including Wholebody Focusing Training. This program is open to anyone interested in conscious living and connecting directly to their own body wisdom, and will be of particular interest to therapists and body/movement focused practitioners.

2 Comments

margaret

I love your article on anxiety in children I have had my grandson in my care for two years he has special needs I am concerned that I FEEL PRESSURED to put him on anxiety medication he was on ritulin and epilem last year and have managed to get him of both of these I now use homeopathic kids calm he is great at home and has a meltdown maybe once every ten days at school I am concerned that professionals see the need for anxiety medication as an answer to his problems he is only 11 yrs old margaret

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Hey Sigmund

It’s great that you are such a strong advocate for your grandson and his capacity to manage without medication. Unfortunately, there are a lot of professionals who consider medication as the first response to anxiety, but there are also many who would only consider it as a last resort. If you could find a professional who has the same philosophy as you, who considers medication as a last resort, that might be a source of great support for you.

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We don’t need the last word. We don’t need them to agree.

When there is a power struggle - we want … they want … we’re trying to convince them … they’re trying to convince us … - leave power on the table. It’s already yours because you’re the grown-up. You don’t need to convince them, and nothing they can do or say (or don’t do or say) will change that.

The presence they are looking for is an anchor presence - love + leadership - strong, steady, grounded and able to care for them through the storm.

Anchors don’t stop working when the storm hits. During the storm, they work harder to hold on and keep things safe. They don’t take things personally and they don’t judge their performance on how well or how quickly they can stop the storm. 

It doesn’t matter if our kiddos don’t see things our way. They’re looking through a different lens - one that can’t always see around corners the way we might be able to. They don’t have the same resources, experiences, or skills as us. Neither did we at their age.

We’re in charge of keeping them, others, and their relationship with us safe. They’re in charge of how they respond.

It’s why boundaries have to be about what we do - because it’s all we can control.

Sometimes an anchor presence means recognising that we can’t stop the storm, and we don’t need to.

When they don’t have the skills or resources to do what we would like them to do in the moment, we do what we can do to keep the moment safe, while letting them know we are here for them.

If they’re hurting a sibling, we move the sibling away, and stay in connection while we do. ‘It’s okay to be angry. I won’t let you hurt their body (while we’re physically moving their sibling - that’s the boundary). I’m right here (relationship).’

Or if they’re yelling: ‘I want to hear what you want. I care about you much to listen when you’re saying those things about me. (Boundary - I’m not listening.) 

Or, ‘You might stay angry with me for a while and that’s okay. I’m here when you want to talk about it, but I won’t listen while you’re yelling at me. Take your time. You’re not in trouble.’♥️
Mattering is about feeling valued and feeling like I’m doing something that adds value. It doesn’t have to come from grades or schoolwork, and for so many kids it probably won’t. There are so many ways to help kids feel seen and valued that have nothing to do with schoolwork, but which can work to engage them in schoolwork. Little things make a big difference. 

We also have to let our teachers know how much the matter. They are the greatest key to ‘mattering’ (or unmattering) in our schools and for our young people.♥️
If we want to meet their learning needs, we first have to meet their relational ones. If we want them to be open to learning, they first have to open to the adult they are learning from - and they won’t be open if they don’t feel seen, safe, and cared for. It’s not always easy, it’s just how it is.♥️
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