Why It’s Important for Parents to Show Their True Feelings

Why It's Good for Parents to Show Their True Feelings

One of the most important qualities of healthy relationships is authenticity – being who we are, frayed edges and all. Being authentic in a relationship creates connection, openness, trust and acceptance. Provided the relationship is based in genuine intent, authenticity means that there is no need for anyone to filter out the parts of themselves that might not make it into the top 100 ‘most adorable things about me’. 

Of course there will always be times to put the woolly parts of ourselves away, but what does this look like when it comes to being parents? How much of our emotional selves should we put away to be good for our children and how much should we show?

There isn’t a person on the planet who doesn’t get sad, cranky, furious, scared from time to time. Sometimes these feelings find a decent grip and they stay for a while. In the midst of the heaviness, our kids will be watching everything we do. They might not know the details but they’re smart, and would likely get a sense when the outside of us doesn’t match what’s happening on the inside.

It’s completely understandable that we would want to protect our kids from the grown-up details of the messiness of life. There are some things that their child status protects them from. But there is a balance that needs to be struck.

New research has found that always putting on a happy face might not be the best for us or for our kids. The study found that parents who ‘try to be perfect’ for their children risk lower authenticity, poorer relationships with their children and reduced responsiveness to their children.

 Part of the reason for this is that depressing negative feelings and exaggerating positive ones tends to lead parents to feel worse about themselves.

 Parents experienced costs when regulating their emotions in these ways because they felt less authentic, or true to themselves … It is important to note that amplifying positive emotions was relatively more costly to engage in, indicating that controlling emotions in ways that may seem beneficial in the context of caring for children can come at a cost.– Dr. Bonnie Le (lead author), University of Toronto.

One of our very important roles as parents is to nurture our children’s awareness around difficult emotions. What do big feelings look like? How do they feel? What do they mean? How do I deal with them? What about when those messy feelings belong to someone I love? There are plenty of lessons to learn, so it’s a good thing that we have plenty of time to teach them. And that we will be given plenty of opportunities. 

The primary concern of children will always be ‘what about me’. The key then, is to let them see when we feel wobbly, but to let them know that we’ll be okay and so will they. Difficult emotions become threatening when they come with a bagload of unknowns, the biggest one being, ‘What does this mean for me.’ All feelings are important – the bad ones too. They are also unavoidable and part of living a healthy, happy, fulfilled life means knowing how to handle them.

When our children see us being okay with our own messy feelings, it gives them permission to do the same. They won’t have the skills to manage them for a while, and that’s okay. What’s important is that they see that everyone feels bad sometimes and that they have opportunities to learn from how we deal with them.

It is important to measure the intensity of our emotional honesty according to what our children can cope with. Nobody is suggesting that we expose our children to every square inch of our raw and fragile feelings, but the alternative to baring our emotional all doesn’t have to be hiding it. There is middle ground and it’s about the intensity of what we show and the reassurances we give with it. Letting them see that we feel difficult feelings too sometimes, and that we’re okay with that, will help them to expand their their emotional intelligence in terms of their own feelings, other people’s feelings, and how to manage them in a way that lets them thrive.

9 Comments

Katie

Isn’t it funny how the universe sometimes sends us the things we need at appropriate times… I am currently working through some deep-seated issues from my own childhood that relate back to some bizarre ways of dealing with emotions. I think it is so important that we keep the dialogue going on healthy parenting choices so that the next generation doesn’t struggle as significantly with anxiety and depression.

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Hey Sigmund

Yes absolutely! I’m so pleased this article found you when you needed it. It’s such an important conversation to keep having isn’t it.

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marina

Wonderful article. This put words on things I have been sensing without being able to articulate them. I am glad I have been following this instinct, and I will continue to do so. Authenticity has been a leading principle in my life, and the key to any healthy and meaningful relationship, in my opinion. There are areas of my life where I still “put on a smile” systematically and refuse to break down the walls, though, and I guess that’s okay, as long as you don’t keep doing that with people you love. you can’t open up with everyone and at all times, and that’s why true friendships are rare and precious to me.

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Hey Sigmund

Marina you’re so right. Keep following your instincts and letting authenticity be an important part of your relationships. There will be people who don’t see all of you and then the people who do. Let the ones who love you see you fully for who you are. That authenticity will be one of the things that makes you a completely wonderful friend to be with.

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skeeter

This a great and timely article. We have been discussing authenticity a great deal in our family. The greatest gift we can give to ourselves and our children is to discover as a family who we are and not who people want us to be.

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Bridgit

I was just talk with a fellow teacher about how doing this with students seems to get me lots of “credit” (for lack of a better term) with them.

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Natalie

I couldn’t agree more, I came from a family who never discussed feelings and emotions and my father struggled with depression during our childhood and it was something that was never talked about openly. I felt very anxious because intuitively I knew he was suffering. I always felt that we should have helped him through it but it was only until years later that I could fully comprehend what he must of gone through. I think there are a lot of families out there trying to refrain from placing emotional baggage on to their children but this in effect can lead to feeling very disconnected as a family unit. Such a well written peice.

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Hey Sigmund

Thanks Natalie for sharing this. I imagine it must have been difficult for all of you – for your dad to feel as though he had to keep things to himself and for you because you knew that something wasn’t right but you didn’t know what. This can be a frightening thing for anyone, and certainly for a child or adolescent in relation to a parent. Thankfully we are finding out more and more about how important it is to acknowledge feelings in healthy ways.

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Today was an ending and a beginning. My darling girl finished year 12. The final year at school is tough enough, but this year was seismic. Our teens have moved through this year with the most outstanding courage and grace and strength, and now it is time for them to rest and play. My gosh they deserve it. 

It is true that this is a time of celebration, but it can also be an intense time of self-reflection for our teens. (I can remember the same feelings when my gorgeous boy finished so many years ago!) My daughter has described it as, ‘I feel as though I’ve outgrown myself but my new self isn’t ready yet.’ This just makes so much sense. 

There is a beautifully fertile void that is waiting for whatever comes next for each of them, but that void is still a void. At different times it might feel exciting, overwhelming, or brutal in its emptiness.

We also have to remember that this is a time of letting go, and there might be grief that comes with that. Before they can grab on to their next big adventure, they have to let go of the guard rails. This means gently adjusting their hold on the world they have known for the last 12+ years, with its places and routines and people that have felt like home on so many days. There will be redirects and shiftings, and through it all the things that need to stay will stay, and the things that need to adjust will adjust. 

To my darling girl, your loved incredible friends, and the teens who make our world what it is - you are the beautiful  thinkers, the big feelers, the creators, the change makers, and the ones who will craft and grow a better world. However you might feel now, the lights are waiting to shine for you and because of you. The world beyond school is opening its arms to you. That opening might happen quickly, or gently, or smoothly or chaotically, but it will happen. This world needs every one of you - your voices, your spirits, your fire, your softness, your strength and your power. You are world-ready, and we are so glad you are here xxx
When our kids or teens are in high emotion, their words might sound anxious, angry, inconsolable, jealous, defiant. As messy as the words might be, they have a good reason for being there. Big feelings surge as a way to influence the environment to meet a need. Of course, sometimes the fallout from this can be nuclear.
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Wherever there is a big emotion, there will always be an important need behind it - safety, comfort, attention, food, rest, connection. The need will always be valid, even if the way they’re going about meeting it is a little rough. As with so many difficult parenting moments, there will be gold in the middle of the mess if we know where to look. 
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There will be times for shaping the behaviour into a healthier response, but in the middle of a big feeling is not one of those times. Big feelings are NOT a sign of dysfunction, bad kids or bad parenting. They are a part of being human, and they bring rich opportunities for wisdom, learning and growth. .
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Parenting isn’t about stopping the emotional storms, but about moving through the storm and reaching the other side in a way that preserves the opportunity for our kids and teens to learn and grow from the experience - and they will always learn best from experience. 
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To calm a big feeling, name what you see, ‘I can see you’re disappointed. I know how much you wanted that’, or, ‘I can see this feels big for you,’ or, ‘You’re angry at me about .. aren’t you. I understand that. I would be mad too if I had to […],’ or ‘It sounds like today has been a really hard day.’ 
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When we connect with the emotion, we help soothe the nervous system. The emotion has done its job, found support, and can start to ease. 
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When they ‘let go’ they’re letting us in on their deepest and most honest emotional selves. We don’t need to change that. What we need to do is meet them where they and gently guide them from there. When they feel seen and understood, their trust in us and their connection to us will deepen, opening the way for our influence.
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#parenthood #parenting #positiveparenting #parentingtips #childdevelopment #neuronurtured #anxiety #anxietyinchildren #childanxiety #motherhoodcommunity #parenti
When they are at that line, deciding whether to retreat to safety or move forward into brave, there will be a part of them that will know they have what it takes to be brave. It might be pale, or quiet, or a little tumbled by the noise from anxiety, but it will be there. And it will be magical. Our job as their flight crew is to clear the way for this magical part of them to rise. ‘I can see this feels scary for you - and I know you can do this.’ 
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 #mindfulparenting #neuronurtured #parentingteens #neurodevelopment #braindevelopment #positiveparenting #parenting #parenthood #childdevelopment #parentingtip #adolescence #positiveparentingtips #anxietyawareness #anxietyinchildren #childanxiety #parentingadvice #anxiety #parentingtips #motherhoodcommunity #anxietysupport #mentalhealth #heyawesome #heysigmund #heywarrior
When our kids or teens are struggling, it can be hard to know what they need. It can also be hard for them to say. It can be this way for all of us - we don't always know what we need from the people around us. It might be space, or distraction, or silence, or maybe acknowledging and being there is enough. Sometimes we might need to know that the people we love aren't taking our need for space, or our confusion or anger or sadness personally, and that they are still there within reach.
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What can be easier is thinking about what other people might need. Asking this when they are calm can invite a different perspective and can give you some insight into what they need to hear when they are going through similar. Don't worry if you just get a shrug, or a disheartened, 'I don't know'. They don't need to know, and neither do we. The question in itself might be enough to open a new way through any sense of 'stuckness' or helplessness they might be feeling.
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#parenthood #parenting #positiveparenting #parentingtips #childdevelopment #parentingadvice #parentingtip #mindfulparenting #positiveparentingtips #neurodevelopment #parentingteens
Give them space to talk but you don’t need to fix anything. You’ll want to, but the answers are in them, not us. Sometimes the answer will be to feel it out, or push for change, or feel the futility of it all so the feeling can let go, knowing it’s done it’s job - it’s recruited support, or raised awareness that something isn’t right.

Sometimes the feelings might be seismic but the words might be gone for a while. That’s okay too. Do they want to start with whatever words are there? Or talk about something else? Or go for a walk with you? Watch a movie with you? Or do a spontaneous, unnecessary drive thru with you just because you can - no words, no need to explain - just you and them and car music for the next 20 minutes. 

The more you can validate what they’re feeling (maybe, ‘Today was big for you wasn’t it’) and give them space to feel, the more they can feel the feeling, understand the need that’s fuelling it, and experiment with ways to deal with it. Sometimes, ‘dealing with it’ might mean acknowledging that there is something that feels big or important and a little out of reach right now, and feeling the fullness and futility of that. 

Part of building resilience is recognising that some days are rubbish, and that sometimes those days last for longer than they should, but we get through. First we feel floored, then we feel stuck, then we shift because the only choices we have we have are to stay down or move, even when moving hurts. Then, eventually we adjust - either ourselves, the problem, or to a new ‘is’. But the learning comes from experience.

I wish our kids never felt pain, but we don’t get to decide that. We don’t get to decide how our children grow, but we do get to decide how much space and support we give them for this growth. We can love them through it but we can’t love them out of it. I wish we could but we can’t.

So instead of feeling the need to silence their pain, make space for it. In the end we have no choice. Sometimes all the love in the world won’t be enough to put the wrong things right, but it can help them feel held while they move through the pain enough to find their out breath, and the strength that comes with that.♥️

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