Being a Phenomenal Friend

We women have a phenomenal power that many of us don’t realise. It’s the power to lift each other to full flight,  or to strip each other back to bone. Either way, it’s powerful.

Both men and women have hurt me from time time but there is something about being being betrayed by one of my tribe – by another woman – that has the potential to ruin me a little more than any other. As women we are all different but we all know what it’s like to feel vulnerable, strong, insecure, capable or scared. There’s a wisdom we have about being a woman and when someone uses that wisdom against us, it feels like the ultimate betrayal.

I’ve also seen how women can use their strength, wisdom and love to make each other soar. There is something about being lifted and valued by one of the sisterhood – by another who ‘gets it’ and knows what it takes to reach full wingspan. By someone who wants to see us soar. There’s a raw honesty and validation in there that can see mountains moved by the feminine hand. 

When there is a phenomenal circle of women around you, it’s harder for the nastiness and put-down of the world to find it’s way in. This is why we need to cherish our girlfriends – put them at the top of the list, or at least very close to the top, and be an incredible girlfriend ourselves.

We women have incredible power to lift every woman in our lives and help her to soar. We can’t help but take flight ourselves in the process.

Girlfriends are an important place to start, by being one of these women or many. All are extraordinary and chances are you’re already at least one:

  1. The Getaway Girl (aka The Travel Agent). 

    She’s the one who is always working on the next girls’ trip. We need this woman! Science has proven that girls’ getaways are a way to do the important things we need to do to at each life stage. Girls’ trips will have a positive impact on health and well-being for different reasons, depending on the stage of life you’re in.  Here’s why:

    .  In adolescence, all-girl getaways feed the desire for independence and provide girls with a way to break away (nicely now!) from their family. It also offers the chance to ‘express their rebellion’. Nobody is suggesting that anybody push the limits to the point of ending up sharing a prison cell, but pushing the boundaries and finding the edge of yourself is important and the stuff of all things wonderful.

    .  In early adulthood, girls’ breaks make way for adventure and experimentation. They form a ‘rite of passage’ to the next phase of life – away from education and training and towards a family and career.  

    .  Middle adulthood can be two things – a break from family commitment or the transition through traumatic life events such as death or divorce. Either way, those women in your life who are beside you will see you through.

    .  Late adulthood is a time when women are able to own their independence in a way they might not have been able to earlier in their life, when travelling without a husband wasn’t as acceptable. Girls’ getaways in this stage might also be a way to cope with widowhood and to solidify friendships, which become particularly important again at this stage of life.

  2. The Go-To.

    This is the woman we reach for when there’s trouble. Women have a way of dealing with stress that heals and according to a UCLA study, we can thank evolution for that. Shelley E. Taylor, the lead author of the study has been researching in the area for 25 years and has analysed more than 1000 studies. She has found that women have a ‘tend and befriend‘ response to stress – they tend to their young and want to be with their friends. Being with others in times of stress is hardwired into our genes. Those of us who have social support and are connected with friends are healthier and have ‘younger’ stress systems and more resilience against chronic disease. 

  3. The Listener.

    She reminds us – without saying anything at all – that we don’t need fixing, even if the world around us sometimes does. She gets it, and we know she gets it. In a crisis, she’ll sit and listen and tuck our hair behind our ears when it sticks to our tears. She’ll be with us when we’re a red hot mess or when we’re on the edge of being fabulous. When we’re bursting with a brilliant idea she’ll nod with a ‘go get ’em’ smile. When we’re falling apart she’ll keep her advice to herself, knowing if she could think of the answer that easily, you would have thought of it and done it by now. She’s the strength when you have nothing left.

  4.  The Cheerleader.

    She believes in you enough for both of you. These are the women who make you soar a little higher because they make you believe you can. 

  5.  The Nurturer.

    She’s the one who is there when you’re struggling to be anywhere at all. The nurturing side of womanhood is so powerful that it can help women survive a chronic illness. Science has proven that too. Researchers looked at 2,264 women who had been diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and found that women who had more supportive social networks were over twice as likely to survive their diagnosis. It wasn’t the size of the support network but the quality that mattered. Women with lower levels of social support were 61% more likely to die from breast cancer or another cause than women with higher levels of support – regardless of the size of the network. We can literally save lives by looking after each other. So let’s do that.

  6. The Reality-Checker.

    She’s honest but never judgemental. She’s wise and loving and usually right, and she will never criticise. Ever. Sometimes we need to hear when we’re doing something dumb. And sometimes we need the world to hush so we can learn the lesson ourselves. The reality-checker will do both. She’ll point out that taking him back four times in six months is maybe three times too many – but if you still decide that this time will be different, fine – she’ll drive you there herself. And if turns out she’s right, she’ll be there to listen and help pick up the pieces, without saying ‘I told you so.’  

  7. The Fearless Warrior.

    She’s the one who helps us find the edge of our limits and pushes us just beyond. Before we can say, ‘Um. That’s not really me’ she’ll have us learning Russian, bungee jumping, trying a round of speed dating, or heading to the outback for a pumpkin festival ‘because it’s something we haven’t done before’. She’ll try anything and get you excited about trying it too. Just check that your chord is tight before you jump. And check hers too while you’re at it.

  8. The One Who Believes You. (Even When She Shouldn’t)

    She’s the one who believes what you say – whether it’s your new business plan or that you’re done with your job or your relationship or any other big changes you want to announce. She believes you, whatever your emotional state when you announce it and starts to devise the plan to help you do it. And she’s excellent at it. She won’t push you either way but she’ll be there with a huge fluffy net to catch you – just in case – when you make your move. She’ll reassure you that you’ll be fine – because you always will be – and she’ll walk beside you every step of the way. If you change you’re mind, there’ll be no argument from her. We love her because she takes us to the edge of our dreaming and shows us how it looks. Then lets us decide whether to go there or not.

  9. The Do-er.

    She figures out what you need before you’ve figured it out yourself. She the one you want in a crisis because she might not be able to be with you, but she will know what needs to be done – and she’ll do it. She’ll have your dinners sorted and your kids collected from school. And as soon as she’s free, she’ll be there talking, laughing and throwing a load of washing on before she walks out the door.

  10. The One Who Knows Everything About Us.

    This is the woman who knows everything about us – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the things that make the ugly turn away. She doesn’t judge – ever – and reminds us that we’re so much more than our dim dirty secrets. You’ll never have to worry about hearing your story from a third party over lunch – these women know how to keep a secret.

  11. The One Who Takes it to a Deeper Level.

    There are some friends who are great for a laugh, and some who are good to let your mind run away with. This woman will talk and talk with you and will have you wondering where the time went. She makes you think and she helps you discover. She’s full of wisdom and puts you well within reach of yours.

And something all phenomenal women do, no matter their special type:

  1. She shares your joy, not just your sorrow.

    For some people, it’s easier to be there when you’re firmly (face)planted on the ground than when you’re soaring. We need to celebrate each other’s success and cheer as loud as anybody when one of us flies a bit higher than the flock for a while – because we all know what it takes to soar. 

  2. She never judges you – or any other woman.

    Phenomenal women don’t necessarily like all women but they never judge them. Instead, they look for what that woman knows that they don’t. They know that every woman has a story and that you can learn something from most of them – even if it’s how not to be.

Phenomenal women are many things but one of the things they do without fail is lift other women.

How do you do this? Probably you do it differently for different people. Is there any you would add to the list? 

2 Comments

Rebecca

This is wonderful and so true in so many ways.
I don’t have very many close women friends and do feel that I need them!

I have a younger sister, who until about 8 months ago was nearly my worst enemy most of the time. Not through choice I might add. Neither of us had ever been able to ‘get’ the other.

We lost our mother suddenly about two years ago and when it happened of course, we both dealt with it very differently.
I, as a parent, went into practical mode and as well as all the obvious things to do I threw myself into renovating our late mother’s house which we inherited.

Of course, this was my way of coping and along with the support of a wonderful man in my life and my beautiful little girl, I was able to somehow navigate through the fog of loss I was feeling.

My sister dealt with the loss of our mother very differently and to me it seemed as though she simply shut herself away, becoming more and more dependant on her then boyfriend. She was angry and unpleasant much of the time, understandably of course! I knew that this was her way of coping and left her to it most of the time. I must say that I too had my fair share of behaving irrationally and being a bit if a b****.of course I did!

Once the major work on the house was completed we made the decision to move into the house together. My daughter and I, and my sister and her boyfriend. My sister and I coped with living together by talking to anyone but each other most of the time. Eventually my sister and her boyfriend broke up and I was left worrying about the idea of living with her without the adult buffer between us that her boyfriend had become.

After a while though, my sister and I started to find ourselves in long conversations, often about our mother and childhood. It became a bit of a cleansing process for both of us. Our mother, though an incredible woman, had often made situations worse between my sister and I. We talked and talked and eventually she started to confide in me and tell me how she was feeling about having lost our mother and her boyfriend etc, and I too started to confide in her.

She’s a very bright, bubbly person who always seems to be the life of the party but can be mentally falling apart, but since she has had to rely on no one but herself she has grown incredibly.

She now has a new group of women friends who she spends time with, I’m almost jealous!

We are very good friends these days. Its amazing, if you had asked me about my sister a couple years ago I would have probably just said that I love her but I don’t like her very much. Now I can say that I not only like her but she fits many of the headings in this article for me and I for her.

We need other women! they just get ‘it’ more than men.

Reply
Hey Sigmund

This is wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your story. When our relationships with women work, they really work and there’s just nothing like them. The relationship between you and your sister sounds like an amazing one – worth every second of the work you both put into it!

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

Anxiety is a sign that the brain has registered threat and is mobilising the body to get to safety. One of the ways it does this is by organising the body for movement - to fight the danger or flee the danger. 

If there is no need or no opportunity for movement, that fight or flight fuel will still be looking for expression. This can come out as wriggly, fidgety, hyperactive behaviour. This is why any of us might pace or struggle to sit still when we’re anxious. 

If kids or teens are bouncing around, wriggling in their chairs, or having trouble sitting still, it could be anxiety. Remember with anxiety, it’s not about what is actually safe but about what the brain perceives. New or challenging work, doing something unfamiliar, too much going on, a tired or hungry body, anything that comes with any chance of judgement, failure, humiliation can all throw the brain into fight or flight.

When this happens, the body might feel busy, activated, restless. This in itself can drive even more anxiety in kids or teens. Any of us can struggle when we don’t feel comfortable in our own bodies. 

Anxiety is energy with nowhere to go. To move through anxiety, give the energy somewhere to go - a fast walk, a run, a whole-body shake, hula hooping, kicking a ball - any movement that spends the energy will help bring the brain and body back to calm.♥️
.
.
.
#parenting #anxietyinkids #childanxiety #parenting #parent
This is not bad behaviour. It’s big behaviour a from a brain that has registered threat and is working hard to feel safe again. 

‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what the brain perceives. The brain can perceive threat when there is any chance missing out on or messing up something important, anything that feels unfamiliar, hard, or challenging, feeling misunderstood, thinking you might be angry or disappointed with them, being separated from you, being hungry or tired, anything that pushes against their sensory needs - so many things. 

During anxiety, the amygdala in the brain is switched to high volume, so other big feelings will be too. This might look like tears, sadness, or anger. 

Big feelings have a good reason for being there. The amygdala has the very important job of keeping us safe, and it does this beautifully, but not always with grace. One of the ways the amygdala keeps us safe is by calling on big feelings to recruit social support. When big feelings happen, people notice. They might not always notice the way we want to be noticed, but we are noticed. This increases our chances of safety. 

Of course, kids and teens still need our guidance and leadership and the conversations that grow them, but not during the emotional storm. They just won’t hear you anyway because their brain is too busy trying to get back to safety. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed or ‘grown’. They want to feel seen, safe and heard. 

During the storm, preserve your connection with them as much as you can. You might not always be able to do this, and that’s okay. None of this is about perfection. If you have a rupture, repair it as soon as you can. Then, when their brains and bodies come back to calm, this is the time for the conversations that will grow them. 

Rather than, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, shift to, ‘What support do they need to do better?’ The greatest support will come from you in a way they can receive: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re the most wonderful kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
Big behaviour is a sign of a nervous system in distress. Before anything, that vulnerable nervous system needs to be brought back home to felt safety. 

This will happen most powerfully with relationship and connection. Breathe and be with. Let them know you get it. This can happen with words or nonverbals. It’s about feeling what they feel, but staying regulated.

If they want space, give them space but stay in emotional proximity, ‘Ok I’m just going to stay over here. I’m right here if you need.’

If they’re using spicy words to make sure there is no confusion about how they feel about you right now, flag the behaviour, then make your intent clear, ‘I know how upset you are and I want to understand more about what’s happening for you. I’m not going to do this while you’re speaking to me like this. You can still be mad, but you need to be respectful. I’m here for you.’

Think of how you would respond if a friend was telling you about something that upset her. You wouldn’t tell her to calm down, or try to fix her (she’s not broken), or talk to her about her behaviour. You would just be there. You would ‘drop an anchor’ and steady those rough seas around her until she feels okay enough again. Along the way you would be doing things that let her know your intent to support her. You’d do this with you facial expressions, your voice, your body, your posture. You’d feel her feels, and she’d feel you ‘getting her’. It’s about letting her know that you understand what she’s feeling, even if you don’t understand why (or agree with why). 

It’s the same for our children. As their important big people, they also need leadership. The time for this is after the storm has passed, when their brains and bodies feel safe and calm. Because of your relationship, connection and their felt sense of safety, you will have access to their ‘thinking brain’. This is the time for those meaningful conversations: 
- ‘What happened?’
- ‘What did I do that helped/ didn’t help?’
- ‘What can you do differently next time?’
- ‘You’re a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
As children grow, and especially by adolescence, we have the illusion of control but whether or not we have any real influence will be up to them. The temptation to control our children will always come from a place of love. Fear will likely have a heavy hand in there too. When they fall, we’ll feel it. Sometimes it will feel like an ache in our core. Sometimes it will feel like failure or guilt, or anger. We might wish we could have stopped them, pushed a little harder, warned a little bigger, stood a little closer. We’re parents and we’re human and it’s what this parenting thing does. It makes fear and anxiety billow around us like lost smoke, too easily.

Remember, they want you to be proud of them, and they want to do the right thing. When they feel your curiosity over judgement, and the safety of you over shame, it will be easier for them to open up to you. Nobody will guide them better than you because nobody will care more about where they land. They know this, but the magic happens when they also know that you are safe and that you will hold them, their needs, their opinions and feelings with strong, gentle, loving hands, no matter what.♥️
Anger is the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. It has important work to do. Anger never exists on its own. It exists to hold other more vulnerable emotions in a way that feels safer. It’s sometimes feels easier, safer, more acceptable, stronger to feel the ‘big’ that comes with anger, than the vulnerability that comes with anxiety, sadness, loneliness. This isn’t deliberate. It’s just another way our bodies and brains try to keep us safe. 

The problem isn’t the anger. The problem is the behaviour that can come with the anger. Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. When children are angry, as long as they are safe and others are safe, we don’t need to fix their anger. They aren’t broken. Instead, drop the anchor: as much as you can - and this won’t always be easy - be a calm, steadying, loving presence to help bring their nervous systems back home to calm. 

Then, when they are truly calm, and with love and leadership, have the conversations that will grow them - 
- What happened? 
- What can you do differently next time?
- You’re a really great kid. I know you didn’t want this to happen but here we are. How can you make things right. Would you like some ideas? Do you need some help with that?
- What did I do that helped? What did I do that didn’t help? Is there something that might feel more helpful next time?

When their behaviour falls short of ‘adorable’, rather than asking ‘What consequences they need to do better?’ let the question be, ‘What support do they need to do better.’ Often, the biggest support will be a conversation with you, and that will be enough.♥️
.
.
#parenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #anxietyinkids

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This