Playful Parenting Builds Better Brains: 10 Tools For Success

“Therefore, to play like a child, bungle. Blunder. Stumble. Be unable to figure out why the square piece won’t fit in the round hole. Risk looking silly, sing, fall over. Exaggerate everything. Lighten up. Try to have fun.” ~ From Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D.

My son loves these melty beads. He is a busy 4-year-old, but he will work diligently for days to make his masterpieces. This is his “beautiful square.” There’s something precious about hearing your child describe something s/he did as beautiful.

Fast forward from that sweet moment to a tough night of solo parenting my three children. (Let me pause here to honor all the single mamas and papas doing this difficult job every single day!) You all know how this goes: lots of whining, complaining and flat-out defiance. Everyone was primed for full meltdown, especially when I told that same temporarily-not-so-sweet preschooler that he could not, in fact, eat a granola bar for dinner. The “beautiful square” was sitting within eyesight, and my angry little guy grabbed it, ready to break it in half.

Some nights, the tension would have continued until they were all asleep. A series of frustrations, consequences and gritting my teeth to get through snuggle time. That night, however, I was able to “keep my lid on,” as Dan Siegel would say.

I scooped him up, flailing legs and all, and marched him out of the room. With a little silliness in my voice, I said, “You’re running even though your feet aren’t touching the ground!” He looked at his legs and stopped screaming long enough for me to pretend to fly him into his room, where he promptly remembered he was still mad. We were at the edge of his bed, and I started to make his stuffed animals jump around and talk to him. Before long, stuffed animals were flying everywhere, and we were both laughing and having a great time together. It was magical. He got ready for bed without complaint, and he went to bed feeling happy and loved. It changed my night as well. Instead of carrying frustration into the evening, I had a smile on my face and affection in my heart for my strong-willed little one.

Were your parents ever playful like this with you? If not, it can feel awkward or intimidating to try. You might even feel like you’re letting your child get away with something, or rewarding bad behavior. Actually, playful parenting can save your sanity and help build healthy connections in your child’s brain.

How playfulness can build healthy brains.

In their book The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy, psychologists Baylin and Hughes write, “Play appears to engage a cocktail of brain chemistry that helps make it a powerful social process.” They further explain that play promotes brain development, especially in the crucial prefrontal cortex or “upstairs brain,” which is the home of executive functioning, healthy social skills, impulse control, creativity and joy. I don’t know about you, but we could use more of all those things in my family!

In many ways, laughter really is the best medicine. Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp found that laughter stimulates feel-good chemicals in the brain (opioids and dopamine). Laughter relaxes the body, reduces pain, increases positive feelings and improves relationships. Playfulness and laughter help caregivers stay in “upstairs brain” mode by lowering stress and diffusing anger. Play has been shown to enhance cognitive function in adults as well as kids! Therefore, when you choose playful parenting, not only are you nurturing healthy connections in your child’s brain, but your brain will reap the benefit as well.

How to playfully parent. Some ideas …

Parenting is hard work. While it may take more energy at first, playful parenting is often more effective, and rewarding, in the long run. Here are some ideas to get you started:

  • Sing.
  • Use counting games, rhythm and rhyme – watch a good pre-school or elementary teacher to learn from the masters.
  • Be a team.
  • Race each other (playfully) to get things done.
  • Set up a code word for repeat challenges. For example, if your child frequently whines about an activity, set up a silly code word like “purple pumpkins” that you can say when the whining starts instead of trying to reason or getting angry.
  • Talk in a silly or exaggerated voice.
  • Incorporate sensory play. For example, when it’s time to get ready for bed, bear crawl, crab walk or hop like kangaroos toward the bedroom with your child.
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously.

And another idea – the ‘love mark’.

Not everyone feels comfortable or confident in their ability to be a playful parent. Remember, play doesn’t always have to be silly. You can try starting small, like using a little playful tactic called the “love mark.” To do this with your child, offer a marker or two and let your child draw on your hand, wrist, shoulder – wherever you feel comfortable. You can then draw on them with the same marker and remind them that you both have a little piece of each other all day, even when you’re separated. Follow @rileythebrave on Facebook and Instagram for more ideas with our #playfultuesday posts.

Playful parenting with teens.

Remember, playfulness isn’t just for kids! With teens, you might just inject a little humor, like “I know, I’m just so mean! I want you to leave your phone on the counter and deprive you of all the fun in your life. It’s almost like I want you to get enough sleep and not be addicted to electronics. Ugh, just the worst.” This is a more effective method of letting your teens know why you set limits than launching into a lecture, which they won’t hear anyway. Quick caution: be sure your tone is light-hearted and not sarcastic or you won’t get quite the same effect.

When stress gets in the way.

Take a moment to think of the last time you were really frustrated with your child. Are your thoughts racing to the negative? Do you feel any tension in your jaw or shoulders? Your brain and body can get stuck in a cycle of stress that makes power struggles and conflict more likely. Let’s press pause on that cycle!

  1. Take a deep breath in.
  2. Hold it while let your forehead and jaw relax.
  3. Release your breath with a long exhale.
  4. Let your cheeks turn up in a little smile.

What do you notice? In that 10-second exercise, you sent powerful signals to your brain and body that it doesn’t have to be in fight-or-flight mode! Just think how you would feel if you did that every day, or several times a day! Besides pressing pause during a moment of frustration, it’s also helpful before things get heated, like before transitions or difficult conversations, after school and any time you need a little reset for your mind and body. The more you practice, not only will you feel calmer, but you’ll be modeling a powerful self-regulation tool for your child.

Finally …

You’re not always going to feel like being playful. Some nights, neutral is the best you can muster. Take a breath, remind yourself that it’s okay to stumble, and then try again. Maybe you’ll be able to turn meltdown central into a super-fun stuffed animal fight too. If not, at least you can have some fun trying.


About the Author: Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH

Jessica Sinarski, LPCMH is a clinical supervisor, consultant, author and educator. She is a thought-leader in connecting neuroscience with practice in adult-child relationships. Areas of expertise include trauma-informed care, child development and brain-based practices. Jessica has trained thousands of parents and professionals across the country. For more information and a list of recent workshops, visit www.JSinarski.com. Her books Riley the Brave and Raily el valiente (Spanish edition) are available on RileytheBrave.org with additional free resources for parents, teachers and other caring adults. Also available on Amazon.com.

 

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For our children, we start building the foundations for adolescence in their earliest years - the relationship we’ll have with them, who they are going to be, how they are going to be. One of the things we’ll want to build is their capacity to know their own minds and be brave enough to use it. This isn’t easy, even for adults, so the more practice we give them, the more they’ll be able to access their strong, brave, beautiful minds when they need to - when we aren’t there.

This means letting them have a say when we can, asking their opinions, and letting them disagree.

When kids and teens argue, they’re communicating. We need to listen, but the need won’t always be obvious. When littles argue because it’s spaghetti for dinner and ‘I hate spaghetti so much’ (even though last week and the 5 years before last week, spaghetti was their favourite), they might be expressing a need for sleep, power and influence, or independence. All are valid. When your teen argues because they want to do something you’ve said no to, the need might be to preserve their felt sense of inclusion with their tribe, or independence from you. Again, all valid. 

Of course, a valid need doesn’t mean it will always be met. Sometimes our needs might need to take priority to theirs, such as our need to keep them safe, or for them to learn that they can still be okay if everything doesn’t go their way, or that sometimes people will have conflicting needs that need to take priority. What’s important is letting them know we hear them and we get it.

It’s going to take time for kids to learn how to argue and express themselves respectfully. In the meantime, the words might be clumsy, loud, angry. This is when we need to hold on to ourselves, meet them where they are, let them know we hear them, and step into our leadership presence. We might give them what they need because it makes sense and because there isn’t enough reason not to. Sometimes, after giving them space to be heard we’ll need to stand our ground. Other times we might solve the problem collaboratively: This is what you want. This is what I want. Let’s talk about how we can we both get what we need.♥️
Anxiety will always tilt our focus to the risks, often at the expense of the very real rewards. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. 

This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. Wholehearted living means actively shifting our awareness to what we have to gain by taking a safe risk. 

Sometimes staying safe will be the exactly right thing to do, but sometimes we need to fight for that important or meaningful thing by hushing the noise of anxiety and moving bravely forward. 

When children or teens are on the edge of brave, but anxiety is pushing them back, ask, ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ ♥️

#parenting #parent #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #positiveparenting #heywarrior #heyawesome
Except I don’t do hungry me or tired me or intolerant me, as, you know … intolerably. Most of the time. Sometimes.
Growth doesn’t always announce itself in ways that feel safe or invited. Often, it can leave us exhausted and confused and with dirt in our pores from the fury of the battle. It is this way for all of us, our children too. 

The truth of it all is that we are all born with a profound and immense capacity to rise through challenges, changes and heartache. There is something else we are born with too, and it is the capacity to add softness, strength, and safety for each other when the movement towards growth feels too big. Not always by finding the answer, but by being it - just by being - safe, warm, vulnerable, real. As it turns out, sometimes, this is the richest source of growth for all of us.
When the world feel sunsettled, the ripple can reach the hearts, minds and spirits of kids and teens whether or not they are directly affected. As the important adult in the life of any child or teen, you have a profound capacity to give them what they need to steady their world again.

When their fears are really big, such as the death of a parent, being alone in the world, being separated from people they love, children might put this into something else. 

This can also happen because they can’t always articulate the fear. Emotional ‘experiences’ don’t lay in the brain as words, they lay down as images and sensory experiences. This is why smells and sounds can trigger anxiety, even if they aren’t connected to a scary experience. The ‘experiences’ also don’t need to be theirs. Hearing ‘about’ is enough.

The content of the fear might seem irrational but the feeling will be valid. Think of it as the feeling being the part that needs you. Their anxiety, sadness, anger (which happens to hold down other more vulnerable emotions) needs to be seen, held, contained and soothed, so they can feel safe again - and you have so much power to make that happen. 

‘I can see how worried you are. There are some big things happening in the world at the moment, but my darling, you are safe. I promise. You are so safe.’ 

If they have been through something big, the truth is that they have been through something frightening AND they are safe, ‘We’re going through some big things and it can be confusing and scary. We’ll get through this. It’s okay to feel scared or sad or angry. Whatever you feel is okay, and I’m here and I love you and we are safe. We can get through anything together.’

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