Recovering from a Breakup: Proven Ways to Heal (From Science)

Even if your heart tries to pull its broken self together to tell you it’s for the best, and your head – foggy and sad – tells you the pain will pass, the agony of a breakup can be relentless. When you’re recovering from a breakup, it’s important not to hurry things along – it’s your time to reset, recharge and draw wisdom from the experience – but what if your healing could be strong and complete … and quicker?  Science may have just found the way. 

New research has found that broken-hearted ones who reflected more on their relationships over a nine week period had a stronger overall recovery from their breakup. 

An important part of the healing is a process called ‘self-concept reorganisation’, which involves rebuilding and strengthening the sense of who you are, independent of the relationship.

[bctt tweet=”What if your healing from a breakup could be stronger and quicker? Science may have found the secret … http://wp.me/p5hkQx-lk”]

Relationships have a profound impact on the beliefs we have about ourselves, whether we realise it or not. During the course of a relationship, it’s very normal to ‘intertwine’ with a partner. Goals and directions change, as well as wants and needs for now and the future.

This isn’t because you lose yourself, though certainly that can happen, but because intimacy involves opening up to another person – opening up to their love, wants, needs, feelings, opinions, love, goals, dreams. When that happens, you can’t help but be influenced and eventually move in the same direction. Sometimes that involves adjusting your own sails. It’s all a healthy part of being with someone fully, and part of the unpredictable magic of relationships.

A breakup means the undoing of this merging, which is painful to go through. However strong and independent a person may be, the fracturing of a relationship can also mean the fracturing of the self-concept. One of the most painful parts of a breakup is that it up-ends things as you’ve come to know them. The familiar is gone, plans are changed and the future all of a sudden has too many blank spaces where happy things used to be.

[irp posts=”1144″ name=”Dear Broken Hearted One … When You’re In The Thick of a Break-Up.”]

 

Part of the healing is re-establishing who you are without your partner. Anything that can repair and re-strengthen the self-concept, will accelerate healing.

So, to get you back to strong, based on science …

  1. Talk. Go on. Go for it.

    There are a couple of ways that talking about a breakup might help to facilitate healing. The first is that talking about the relationship will help to bring a different perspective to things. It’s not called a ‘breakup’ because it’s working well. Being in love or being in like-a-lot can blur things, hide things and dress things up, sometimes at the cost of clarity. There will be a level of insight that will throw itself at your feet when you talk about the relationship from a more distant perspective.

  2. Find your story.

    Talking helps to construct a story of the relationship that gives meaning to the experience – including the experience of the relationship, the breakup, and perhaps most importantly for healing, the recovery. Let me explain …

    If you tell the story of your breakup as one of rejection and a lost happy ever after, recovery will be slow, kind of like ‘walking through quicksand’ type of slow. It’s really easy to get stuck in this narrative when the thoughts are locked in your head and want to be with you at 2am. On the other hand, talking to people in your tribe will help you find a way to understand your story from a position of strength. This might involve finding the lessons, the learning and reframing the experience as, say, an ending, rather than a rejection.

  3. An emotional release – journalling.

    Having an emotional release is an important part of healing. Journalling is one way to do this as it allows you to capture and give definition to the thoughts and feelings that are swirling around inside. Journalling doesn’t have to be done every day to have an effect. Even a few times a week will help the healing. 

  4. Write – as though you’re talking to a stranger.

    Writing repeatedly about the process of the breakup as though speaking with a stranger about it, is another way to move towards healing. As well as being an emotional release, it also encourages a fresh perspective and new insights.

    [irp posts=”150″ name=”Your Body During a Breakup: The Science of a Broken Heart”]

  5. Reclaim yourself – what’s been neglected?

    Reclaiming a strong self-concept – establishing who you are outside of the relationship – is critical and will be enormously supportive of a recovery. Think about the parts of yourself that might have been pushed aside during the relationship. When you’ve found these, find ways to build them and nurture them. 

  6. And expand them.

    Find new ways to expand your self concept. When you feel ready, (or maybe a little before then) take up new interests, establish new goals or re-establish your direction. Given that your need to connect has been messed with, anything that will give you the opportunity to connect with others who will also see you as your own, unique person will really help the healing process.

A breakup is an ending, not a rejection. It might not feel like that initially, but it’s an important thing to remember. When your heart has been broken, it can take a while to find your way back to whole but you will get there. Healing from a broken heart is as much a physical process as it is an emotional one. It’s very similar to recovering from an addiction, which is why it feels so hard and so damn painful.

Above all else, remember that there were things about you that were beautiful, strong, vibrant and extraordinary before the relationship. Nothing has changed.

336 Comments

Michaela

I recently left a really toxic relationship in which I had been emotionally abused for a few years. It’s been extremely difficult- but I can really slowly see a dim glow at the end of the tunnel. I’m having to re-configure who I really am as my ex regularly projected his stuff onto me- so I’m having to sort out what is mine and what what is his. I’ve been on a couple of dates but realised it’s way too early to start another relationship- as much as my friends were encouraging me. Working on yourself and healing is super important! My heart goes out to all those that are healing and trying ti find their way! ❤️

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L rymer

Reading all these stories , has helped me alittle.My break up, is new and very raw, as the end was dragged out.Nothing worse.6years of being together everyday . It was toxic from day one really. Often abusive, he was a compulsive liar.He has many problems .And put them all on me.I felt I was drowning, and he kept pushing and pushing me under.We kept breaking up.It was good sometimes and we did love each other.But his behaviour crucified me.Anyway one day he went funny.And cut off from me.I couldn’t make sense of anything anymore . He would
say it wasn’t over.But wouldn’t see me. either I was bereft.8weeks this went on.Hes in my head all the time.But I won’t contact him again.

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Contrisha

So bck in March my boyfriend left me wit no explanation juxx disappeared. So I started stalking his Facebook page. No pictures of the new girl. So him n his new gurl start picking with me every other day. So I started calling his phone everyday til he answer no response. They still picking. So I set his things on fire at his sister house in the yard. I’m getting a called from him he calling me all kinds of names. We leave each alone fa a month now. Him n his new gurl into it, now he run bck to me playing with my feelings n mind. I let him like a dumb azz, cuz im still in love with him. Now they at the point they arguing a lot. So he running bck n forth from me to her. Now she tired of his shiit. Im still here waiting for him to come bck in my life. He came back temporary. Played once again. Had me around but kept brushing me off. When I want to leave he finds sum way to win me bck over. So now me n his sisters into it they calling the laws on me for harassment. Im still standing 10 toes down. He still chooses his sisters over me. But I’m the crazy bihhh. I can’t have guy friends no hoes he run them off. But u not single I am. Im to the point I’m going on dates but not interested. I had sex with other guys still im not interested. My heart still want my ex. Im still loving a guy who clearly don’t love me. So y’all I’m hurt to the core cause I’m still in love with him. I done lost myself. I plot on him n his family fa sum revenge. I can’t sleep. Im not hungry. My hygienes idc about anymore. Idc about looking cute. Im not happy anymore. I don’t have peace. I almost killed myself a few months ago. I was sent to the mental hospital. Im not myself anymore. I want that happy jolly girl I used to be. I have distance myself from family and friends. Im bck on shutdown again.

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LeaveHim

Do you want to deal with this kind of lifestyle for the rest of your life or do you want a new life for yourself? Your ex is holding you back.

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Cela

Contrisha,

I’m sorry to read you’re going through such a hard time. I think with break ups it creates a hurt that can trigger so many other affects of pain we’ve survived through. Your sentence of losing yourself really resonated with me, I have definitely felt like I lost my mind, my spirit, my body and my future. In my recent breakup there was a while where I was so angry and hurt I was lashing out and doing thing I wouldnt usually do. I felt like I had become a bad person that was the new me, someone wounded who couldn’t control my actions. My pain and deep seeded feelings of being unloved were what was guiding me rather than my sense. What has helped me and might help you, is to remember you’re the most important part. You are the most valuable element. You’re the part that matters. In the article above the part about reclaiming yourself really stood out to me. It’s easy to stay in this crazy cycle of hurt if we think thats are whole life, but it’s not. When we reinvest in ourselves it helps us remove ourselves from the heat of argument, in order to think through what we actually need and want. You are a whole person outside of you ex, your breakup, your lashing out. You are the person who deserves all your love, time and care. You may feel lost but your are still here and you can be found. Try to reinvest in yourself, in your pleasure, in what YOU WANT, outside of this relationship that you’ve recognized as not good for your health. Sending you good thoughts and energy.

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Angela

A breakup is hard! But even worse when you lose your dignity! Take your power back love! As hard as it is DO NOT let him back in! Trust me!! Start the no contact! Immediately! You will be fine❤️🙏🏽

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Dennis

I know how u feel girl. My wife of 3 years decided she wanted to split she actually asked me to marry her. She loves to party and binge drink. She has a lot of great qualities but treated me pretty bad overall. I still love her for some reason and am devastated over the breakup. even though we had issues I miss her terribly. I know the pain your in but you need to have faith in god and hos love for you. Your life is way more important than someone that doesn’t really love u. Someone will come along that will appreciate you and bring your joy back. Hang in there and fight.

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Roy

Hi Contrisha..

Trust me you are not alone..
For male like me.. Females are cheaters.. For people like you Males are cheaters..
Wait for right person to meet each other.

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Jay

You know i never really comment on stuff but i wanna post this

I was in love with my first at 22 …. Had sex with her before we got together so the relationship was build around that u could say ….. But on August 18th she came home and just decided she didnt wanna be with me anymore and it broke my heart and a month prior to that we lost a baby she had a miscarriage in the hospital and i remember holding her on the floor as she was crying….. I was crying …… I loved her….. A week …. A week later i did some dumb shit that evidently pushed her in the arms of someone else….. She slept with that person….. And was happy to tell me….. Saying “i hope you can get over me knowing i fucked someone else” and i went and broke a window cut my arm……. But that doesn’t matter she said she loved me said she never let me go said she wanted to be with me get married have a family…… How do I know where it went wrong…… Cause i don’t think i can try again….. Knowing that eventually the other female i get will eventually do the same….. I hate the feeling in my heart…… I hate not being able to do anything….. Feeling helpless…… I loved her why wasn’t i enough….. I did everything a man should do ….. I worked paid all the bills showed her love…… Cooked took care of her when she was sick and sad……. Why wasn’t i Enough….. Why did i try so hard if she didn’t…… Why did i fall for her…… God help me

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Amy

My first bit of advice to you would be to try and accept the end of this breakup and start your healing process. I have gone through several breakups, but one was horrible. I think you will feel better about yourself if you delete your accounts that you are using to stalk your EX or anyone else. Stalking is not going to change anything, only cause pain in the long run.

It’s good that you reached out online as there are several forums and self help sites where you are not alone and others can help you cope. The one thing you need to remember though, is that this unhappiness is only temporary. You will live through this and you will be happy again.

It always helped me to realize that for so long my life was running me, and I needed to jump in the driver’s side and steer my life where I wanted it to go. If you look at it like that, maybe you can set goals for yourself. Tell yourself that tomorrow, you’re going to get up early, take a shower, dress casual, comfy and cute, and get out and enjoy this day that God has given you. Stay busy with true friends, stay away from drama. No more stalking, there is no need for that. Hold your head up high and go do fun things that you enjoy. Go out to eat, go to movies, take dance lessons, do things you’ve always wanted to do. While doing this, you are bound to meet others that enjoy the things you do and you will make new friends and who knows? You may even eventually meet a great guy, one that would never hurt you like your EX did. Also remember that if you loved this person, you should pray for him. Whenever I miss my boyfriend that I broke up with, I would pray for HIM. That alone will make you feel better.

Life is not easy and there are rough times for everyone. Being proud of who you are and acting in a more dignified manner will raise your self esteem. You will become the person you want to be and you will no longer be attracted to guys like your EX. God bless you and I hope you feel the prayers going up for you.

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Rawan

Almost a year ago, my boyfriend of 3 years who i was engaged to for one year just out of the blue broke up with me – he didnt actually break up, i found out he was cheating and confronted him about it and then he just stopped replying to me. he didn’t give me any explanation or even bother to breakup with me properly.
Iam still hurting, i think about him everyday- we had a really loving strong relationship.
i stalk him on instagram sometimes, he posts picture with this girl he cheated on me with. they both look so happy together, travelling together and just living their best life.
It hurts so much. why does he get to run off with the woman he cheated on me with, why does he get the happily ever after? and iam stuck here. in the same place. broken.
I don’t know if time heals, because so far the wound still feels very fresh. like it happened yesterday.

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Dawn

I too have recently on a so called break he initiated it, unknown if it was another women, we haven’t dated long but it still hurt, to know I was unwanted. All I keep telling myself is that how he broke it shows his quality of character he is reliablity and it’s blessing that it didn’t go further. I am older so I have been thru the marriages and the family and both marriages were to people that were irresponsible and abusers(mentally, physically and substances). I tell myself that I don’t want any of that anymore but I do want someone to see ME and I am very giving and always get taken advantage of my laid back good natured attitude . It hurts, my advise is that you are probably better off without him and that you maybe getting saved from a bigger hurt down the line, take this relationship as a lesson of you are better than them, look at his actions and this will happen again in his life, slow down and treat yourself good you are bigger and better. Life is a teaching lesson and we never stop learning, I know this doesn’t get rid of that knot in your stomach but you never know what really could have been the worse somewhere down the road with him could have been really bad and this is saving you from that.

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Erin L

I spent 5 years dating, and then engaged to, a man who is an alcoholic. A charming, funny but ultimately self centered and controlling alcoholic. I am many years sober. It has been exhausting to watch him get worse. I have held out for improvement, hopeful and non-judgmental. But he stopped trying. He moved…and I was planning to move to be with him, but I just couldn’t do that in the last 6 months. A few days ago he just texts me drunk in the middle of the night and says he needs to move on alone. I had advised I didn’t want to be with someone who drank daily. It hurts that he chooses a bottle of vodka a day over me. But I also understand he’s a scared man (in his 50s).
Just refocusing on a life without him is daunting right now. I put too much energy into him.

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Wavedbabe

It’s okay. My heart is broken too. It’s been almost year. I’m not sure I will recover but I have to try. I don’t want anyone else. I can’t feel connected to other men anymore. I’m afraid I will die alone. But I have hope I will come out better. And so you you 🤍

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struggler of the year

same thing happened with me but with different reason however pain is fresh. our journey started with as asking about each other, I still remembered every thing , her smile gives me reason to smile………
But I don’t have much property like her sister’s husband. She used to talking big house , flat , car……..
I told her that i will try but can’t say yes to this thing…………. slowly she was ignoring my calls and message. After few weeks, I was admitted to hospital because of internal injury. I tried to tell about all this things and finally she blocked me. 6 month relationship broken because of money. Thanks god I am safe. If i will marry with her, definitely i will died thanks . I had pain of losing worst person.

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Alexia

I met the guy in London and we connected instantly. We met two or three times in London over weekends and then he left for india and our conversations reduced and he started seeing someone in india. 3 months later he moved to the US and I moved from Uk to us in July and we met again. Then we kept on traveling to each other’s state every fortnight. He broke up with the other girl as it became long distance and we started dating. We had great memories and we enjoy holidays together and each other’s company. Jan 2021 I moved to Singapore and he stayed in US and we were in long distance relationship. We broke up in July 2020 and I am still stuck. Though the breakup was mutual but I am not able to recover from it. There isn’t a single day I cry and mail him. He has blocked me everywhere and says he’s moved on. Why is it so hard to find someone so perfect and even harder to forget them. Why is it easy for one to move on and difficult for the other.

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Victoria

My boyfriend left me yesterday after 6 years together. Two days before everything was fine, we went to the forest, made dinner, but at night he said that he is in love with someone else and she is his soulmate and he never felt like this before. That he feels like he is going from dark to light. The next day he just packed all his stuff and left. He said that he doesn’t want to see me for a year. And that we will never be together. He left me for the woman he met online, and they have never seen each other in real life. We had a very strong connection, he was my best friend, more than a family. I have never felt anything like this for anyone. And I sit at home, which feels dark and empty broked and in both physical and emotional pain. I can’t imagine myself living without him. And we are not teenagers or in 20s, he is 30 and I am 34 years old. I want the pain to leave me….

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Ankita

Hi Victoria,

I know what it must feel like and I’m struggling too with the idea of everything being different ahead . I am sorry you are in pain. I hope you can find the strength to dream for the future. I know exactly what it means to love someone madly, to trust them and to pour your soul into that love.
I am still healing and there is a long way to go.

Let me tell you – 34 is just a number. You are still you. Work on the relationship you’ve had with yourself for 34 years! As for the guy, he lost someone who would have never given up on him.
People find love at all ages. You will too.

Take care of your body, mind, soul and spirit.
The first step to healing is looking at the reality just the way it is and accepting it. We accept the love we think we deserve but I think it’s time we think what kind of men we deserve. We got to stop settling .

I’ve loved only one guy for 10 years, since I was 15..I am scared I won’t be able to love anyone else like this again in life. My mother said, “You will love again. It may not feel the same. Why do you want it to when you know how it had
ended?”

Love better. Be open to heal, to grow. Your future self is counting on you. Look beyond yourself. Become a part of a community. We look for a home, a sense of belonging in a person but there are so many people and places we are yet to find out.

It won’t be easy. But if you find yourself in the way ,it will be worth it! Go out there and shine that bright light of yours onto the world…

Love
– Ankita D.

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Kanika M

Your words are encouraging ankita, i m 2 days post break up.. trying to stay sane

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Irene

Just give it a time…only time heals!!! I am heartbroken also. It is hard, but we can overcome it.
My best wishes to you!

God bless everyone here!

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Eddie

1 – do not resume your life in drinking or doing anything that is depressive.
2- go to the gym, go running, go swimming, do something physical to stay fit and looking amazing.
3- all those memories of your ex will linger for a while. Embrace them, honor them and say to yourself, you gave your best and your love was deep.
4. Move forward with someone new. Spin the wheel of fortune. Only this time you will be stronger.
5. Do not call or text or watch your ex’s social media. This is the hardest part in today’s world. You can do this and be brave.

I’m into 6 months after my break up and I am stronger than that narcissist woman.

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Mid

Even i believe the same. Its good to see that we have come out of the narcissistic relationship. I have realised my self worth and most importantly have my peace of mind.

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Zestyzeeh

Unfortunately my now ex (who’s was going through a divorce) went back to his narcissistic ex wife. Caught me blind sided. Everything was good, then boom…I get a call “I’m gonna give my marriage another shot” He couldn’t even break it properly in person. Everything he said about being in a toxic relationship and helped him get through it went down the drain. Sucks, but one day he will realize what he’s lost.
I don’t deserve the drama and all the baggage that came with that relationship. Now onto trying to heal myself and try put all these pieces back together. Will be tough…

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Miss sky

I’m so sorry Victoria. I hope you heal. My boyfriend also broke up with me because he fell out of love. Our relationship was for the most part good. I loved him so much. He didn’t have so much money and we were both young when we started dating.
He was my best friend and I his.
But our relationship was rocky. my parents didn’t like him, We both had different beliefs, (Christian, for the most part free thinker), he never trusted women so he never trusted me (lol), he had a little temper but he never was violent and he was clingy. I on the other hand was not clingy, I communicating was not my strong quality, I also had a temper so I yelled a lot and I always want to go places and he didn’t. We always argued as well for a good part of our relationship.
But we still dated for 5 years, and even tho we were flawed we knew that being together was home” and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Thing improved so much between us , we got more money and we started understanding each other and opening up more and stopped arguing and then he traveled and came back and I noticed he was cold. Then the next thing he said he wasn’t doing this anymore and left me.

He’s the only guy I’ve ever known so It hurt me so bad and it still hurts so bad. I’m still coming to terms with it. It’s been 5months now and I still cry whenever I think of him.
It sucks cause he’s completely moved on now and I’m still stuck here.

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Bruce

I left my husband of 8 years because one day he told me he fell in love with someone he just met for 3 months – he wanted a “break”.

This break started in Dec 2019… extended throughout covid and turns out he has completely lost me.

It’s a struggle to live through this narrative, especially with all these covid lockdowns…alone. I’m glad I survived but still recovering from it.

Hopefully one day I will recover and find my purpose in life again. Not sure when will this happen but everyday waking up is a drag.

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Mid

You are strong girl. WE can do it. We were all alone, beautiful before and will remain so after them too.

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Hazel

A week ago my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. Our relationship started off as long distance and over time it naturally became a situation of me going to his city to stay with him for weeks and him eventually coming to see me weeks on end. After about 4 months in we hit a rough patch of just stress and not seeing eye to eye, but we always talked about it as actually found a resolution to our spats. Until last week, we had a small argument and that triggered a week of breaking up, begging, pleading, being blocked. We both had some major growths in our relationship as individuals, both spiritual, but now I feel as though he’s using his newfound spirituality as justification or as a way to prove to himself that he’s right. It doesn’t feel fair that I’m finally in a different place, as a better me and he won’t allow me to share that with him the same way he got to share some of his growth with me.

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Mona

Our relationship started during covid-19 lockdown. Initially I resisted myself from saying yes to him because of multiple reasons such as religion, long distance, insecurity etc. Though we are classmates, we didn’t talk that much in class. We got close only during a study trip. However, I ended up saying yes to him because I also fell in love with him. Though he was one of the most caring, mature and understanding bf I ever had, I used to get angry easily when he didn’t share with me what’s bothering him. I always get to know about him from our other classmates. And sometimes he didn’t text me for hours even though he remained online and replied to others. So three days back I got angry over one of such issues and few hours later he broke up with me saying he don’t want to be in this kind of relationship. I was angry only because during hard times he never reached to me first. I was mostly the last person to know about certain things. Though I know I’ll move on sooner or later but what’s bothering me is that how would I face him in class when our university will reopen. He is really close with most of our classmates (and 95% of our classmates are girls). I feel he’ll try to ignore me before everybody and make me jealous. We are again back to the first phase when we’re strangers to each other.

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Faith

If u can, change classes. My first heartbreak was with a guy with whom I was doing the same course, we were both on the evening session. So wen he broke up with me, at first it was so hard being that I had to c him every night during classes and in the library…,so I changed to day sessions so that I cud c less of him. And the less I saw him, the less I thout abt him.

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Jenny

How I wish, I can do same for myself but I can’t because I will be seeing him everyday due to me assisting my mom at her workplace
I was healing small small until I started seeing him
Now I’m totally helpless
He broke up with me in the worst way ever

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Travis b

Its been a little over 2 years since my soulmate and I broke up. I was going through my divorce from my ex wife and she was hell bent on proving me to look like a bad parent. My kids finally got to see a healthy relationship and what it was truly like to see 2 people love one another. After she made up a lie to get the kids taken from me I had all kinds of crazy “accidents” happen to me including almost dying from one of them. I knew I couldn’t tell her what was going on, later found out my ex wife was arranging these. I did what I thought was the best thing and changed how I acted, started being mean so she would hate me because I knew I couldn’t tell her what was really going on. She was going through a custody thing with her ex and if something happened I couldn’t live with myself if he would have got them back due to me or if something would have happened to one of them. There is so much more to this than the few details I listed but there hasn’t been one day I don’t miss her and I would give the world just to tell her I’m sorry and that I loved her more than she knew. I killed me the day we broke up and she rolled the window up and drove away knowing that wasn’t the real me and I only did it to keep her and her kids safe so I thought. As bad as the pain with the break up is id absolutely do it all over again. Just to keep her safe even though I know I’d be miserable. I’m trying to finally put it behind me and let go because I found out she is married and her sister posted she found her soul mate. It sucks and it kills me but knowing she is happy matters more to me than anything. I’ll always have the memories that ill absolutely cherish for the rest of my life. I just hope future relationships are not affected by it because she set the bar to an almost unreachable point.

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SupLada_

i broke up with him last night after 1 year and 2 months. He was loving, caring thoughtful, patient an he sacrificed a lot for me and I got scared I might not be able to return those since I’m lying to him. Lying to him of who I am and what I am. I can’t tell him the reason because he will be shattered. I love him to a degree I can’t even comprehend. He was the only person I ever fell in love with. He was my first love and the one person who made me feel home. He begged me to stay, begged for the reason why I’m leaving. I gave him a different reason and ended it right there. I feel like I’m going crazy and last night I literally felt my heart hurt. I don’t want to break up but it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know what else to do now. I am miserable I miss him so so much and I want to go back but I can’t. I keep telling myself this is for the best that prolonging it will hurt even more.

I don’t know how i’ll be able to move forward and I feel like he won’t too. For a long time. I want him to be happy. I want him to find someone else and forget about me. I just want everything good for him. I love him so much corny as it may sound but i really do and I feel like I would be empty for the rest of my life without him.

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Dean

I feel like you’re my ex lol,
she left me on October 31st,
but we were on for 7 months,
I did the same thing to her, but idk why she left me, she didnt give me a reason,
she just said she didnt have any feelings for me and left me,
broke my heart,
can’t move on at all, never will maybe.

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Dawn

It’s hard when there is no closing on this for you, what I do is write letters an poems to get rid of it, all the old haunts come out sometimes how I am not good enough and bad thoughts about how he was to justify the hurt but it’s OK it will go away, keep yourself busy is very important!!!!

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Jamie

This is perhaps the saddest thing I’ve ever read. I hope you find the courage to openly meet someone new someday. Any woman would give anything to have a man fall in love with her like that. Don’t cheat yourself out of what could be, just because of someone from the past. You are only punishing yourself, year after year. You deserve more. Best of luck!

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Steve

I have been married for 7 year I used to cheat my wife when my marriage was fresh then now I’m done with those thinks but my wife she does’nt want to forgiven me when we fight sometimes she refer to me abut past thinks that I have done to her now she is paying revenge she said she does not have feelings for me she is going out with someone who is staying arround my Area now my heart is broken, please I need advice because I love her very much but now she don’t want me anymore please I need to be heal from this painfully heart broken

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Dawn

Get out of this you two are not in love if you are doing that to one another, you are stuck in a cycle of unforgiveness and revenge and it will end up in a bad place. Take the leap and get out!!!

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Julia

My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me suddenly yesterday. We had never had a bump that we couldn’t push through and come out stronger. He is balancing college and a fulltime job and he just became so stressed that he mentally couldn’t handle being in a relationship. We decided to just be friends and stay close, and when he gets everything with his life sorted out, he said he’d come to me first. I have hope for the future but thinking back on everything hurts so much because we made so many memories together. He wants to hang out like normal, and despite saying that it’s tough for him, he’s not really seeming sad at all. I’m here crying constantly because I’m scared to wait for him, only for him to find someone else, and I know where I’m at now I couldn’t find someone else. I’m just so broken and I miss him so much and I don’t know what to do except cry and grieve.

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Keala

Hey. Chin up. And if you have fear about you waiting and him not coming back, live you life. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

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Hallie

Girl, no! He wants to f*** you without any commitment. That’s why his ass isn’t sad. Tell him to get bent. Don’t be stupid.

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Faith

He is never coming back dia. That was his way of breaking up with u gently. Of course u r heartbroken en it’s rily going to hurt like hell for a long time but the sooner u accept that he is never coming back, the quicker u will b able to heal. Believe me a guy has ever broken up with me with the same reason as that one gave u en promised me the same thing but it didn’t even take him two months to find someone else, and to add salt to the wound, he is the one wu told me abt her while I was busy waiting for him as he had promised me.

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Max

Hi guys. I’ve been dating my ex for 5 months and all has been well, we never really had a big argument. If we did was just small misunderstanding and we would talk again after like an hour.

On 9 nov 2020, his birthday, I organised him a romantic evening in bnb. After we had few drinks with his friends We had a small argument and we exchanged harsh words. The next day he left very angrily to his place of living in another province, as it’s a long distance relationship. He was suppose to leave next day anyway. I however thought we would be back together now because it wasn’t so big to break up. I bumped into him December at a restaurant and he couldn’t contain his excitement to see me. He however still didn’t unblock me. I miss him so much it hurts I love him so much. I am however still in contact with his family. I pray daily for his return he is my soulmate.

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Jay

My boyfriend broke up with me last night. Well maybe technically since New Year’s Eve, but officially last night. I guess I’m still in shock. I don’t know what to feel.

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Jacks

I feel like I’m in a very similar situation as you. My ex, whom I lived with, suddenly up and left me after a fight. Like grabbed all his things, called his brother to pick him up, and moved out. I was shocked and still am shocked. This happened 17 days ago.

He is extremely stressed with being in a residency program, and he felt as if I didn’t appreciate him/just wanted to dump things into him. Had I KNOWN this and had we talked about this fully, it would have opened my eyes…but we didn’t.

There’s some possibility that we can be together in the future. Once he and I are done with school and less stressed. But I absolutely hate the unknown. I hate waiting to find out what will or won’t happen. What if I don’t get over him but he gets over me? I wish I could walk away and feel perfectly fine but my heart aches every single day.

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Sohail

It has been nearly 8 years now since my break up and after having a bad dream today I really have to let my feelings out otherwise it feels suffocating… I fell in love with some one just as the age of 14… And I was lucky enough to be loved back and the relationship lasted for 8 years till we were 22, it got over as the person who I loved changed so much after moving out of country that it just wasn’t the same and to top it off they broke it up. I am almost 30 now, although I feel strong and independent about myself and accomplished but even now time to time I keep having dreams about her in my sleep, and when I wake up my entire day is ruined… I come from a conservative society we dont have open dating and stuff and I thought I’d learn my lesson so I never indulged in any other female after that… I wish I had never fallen in love ever…. Its the biggest blessing and also the biggest curse. Fortunately for me humans dont live longer than 60-70 years on average, I’ll just keep doing my thing and taking care of my parents until my time comes….

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Irene again

Hey..love does hurt..but don’t be so hard on yourself. To continue living and do good for yourself and others is great, although stay joyful, this life is so beautiful, I know it’s sucks. I think that a lesson of a broken heart is to learn to be happy being just with your own self..and I believe after LOVE comes.

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D

About six months ago my girlfriend decided to leave. She sent me a text while i was at work and said she just wasn’t happy anymore. We were together for almost 5 years. I know i was at fault for somethings, we just weren’t compatible anymore. I later found out she was dating a coworker and they had been talking for awhile. She got pregnant. and i thought i finally got the closure i needed . but to be honest i still think about her all the time and it hurts. I really just want it to stop but it doesn’t. She is the first person I’ve really ever let in like that and actually thought we would spend life together. i Just idk I’ve really never been a big one to comment or reach out. But its come to the point that i dont know what to do to actually move on. Ive changed alotsince then ive been going tot the gym and i thought that was helping alot. but i saw them this am on the way to work and there it was again my heart beating so fast and my heart in my stomach i just need some advice frfr

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kriti

blaming is not a solution . relatioship ends for a reason ,it just dont get finished like that. dont blame and u will finaly get a better person .

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Elle R.

I am not one to comment on public sites, but I can feel your pain. I am sorry you are hurting. My only advice, and one I am having to repeat to myself daily right now after my break up, is that forgiveness for an apology not received will help you heal and move ahead. I hope that helps. Take Care.

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E

Your ex was worthless. Any woman who can walk away like that is definitely not worth your time nor worth your feelings. Her character shows she will eventually betray her new boyfriend as well, she can never be happy in a relationship being that kind of person. In the long term, I’ve found that these people always lose. I advise you to get into another relationship casually but not as a long term investment. That way, you get personal development, the security of a new girlfriend and affirmation of your self-worth to help you heal. Avoid getting too seriously involved with someone though, because you definitely don’t need more commitment in your life. It might sound kinda harsh but science says rebound relationships help a ton when you use them correctly. Give it a shot.

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Nicola M

I’m going through a very tough period from a recent break up. I’m not ready to put down my story yet but if we can all offer each other kind words of support at this time it would be great.

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Temi

As a guy I feel broken it’s her 3rd time to break up after 11 years togThe we did almost everytging together…recently distance has taken a toll on us…i just can’t let go of her every time I tried too….my ego and feeling of rejection is killing me…she is there healing up she tOld me she took up driving class now and I am here missing her …..i feel dead inside

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Racquel M

My boyfriend and I just broke up. We were together for 4 years and 8 months. It started out wonderful but after a year, it started to go downhill little by little.
I have always been independent so relationships are never easy for me. I’ve never lived with anyone or been married. Whenever he or any other boyfriend I had even mentioned moving in or marriage, I panicked. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
We are both to blame for the disagreements, arguments, and things that have gone wrong. But I was worse. The more we were together, the less emotionally available or demonstrative I was. I would get hurt or disappointed by something he did or said and either we fought or I shut down.
I feel that I’ve been a terrible girlfriend. I feel that I should never get into another relationship. What’s wrong with me? In every relationship I had, I always fall out of love. Even though I initiated this breakup, I feel awful. At times, I just want him back. At other times, I feel this is the right decision. I feel like I’m going crazy. Does anyone ever feel like I do? Should I stay broken up or crawl back, ask for forgiveness and try to make it work? Are relationships supposed to feel so difficult?

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Cathy

I think that you’re intuition has been telling you something. You’re body knows the answer before you do and I think you ended things for a reason. It may not make sense right now, but it will.
I was in a 7 year relationship, and moved provinces for this guy; who ended up cheating on me. We have been broken up for almost a year now and not a day goes by where I don’t think about him. I was seeing someone for 7 months and I just ended it because I was kept comparing him to my ex, because I wouldn’t let him in, my fear now is that I won’t love someone as much as I loved my ex. You are no crazy for wanting him back, you’re used to the companion and now you have to get used to being alone again. Think about the lessons learnt and the purpose he served you in the time he was in your life, and take what you learnt and apply it to your next relationship.
Losing someone sucks, but it will all work out in the end. As hard as it is, take this time to do you, be selfish and do whatever the hell you want. And enjoy every moment of it.

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ann b

I think there are lots of subconscious reasons we hesitate to bond with someone and pull away. Maybe there were indications that you couldn’t trust him. Maybe not. Perhaps in childhood you experienced unreliable relationships. We crave to be partnered but a lot of us not sure how.
I recently had to reflect on my own interactions in a relationship. I put up a strong boundary that was necessary. I had to find a way to be clear, absolutely clear about the commitment I could not make even when fear was driving me. It’s not easy to be together if boundaries are invaded by either one of you or if you and the other are on different tracks. I think independence comes from experiencing that you cant rely on someone, but interdependence in based on trust.
Don’t go back at all if you feel you can’t be in it with him. It’s not fair. But if you do trust and feel good about boundaries and the path, and you can put both feet in, then ok. I don’t suggest that be if you have doubts. Move on, find a better fit in that case. I hope the best for you

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Seth

Just went through a long term breakup. Me and my gf were 2 months away from 5 years and everything still feels very unreal 6 weeks later. I guess the lesson I learned is be ready for the unexpected to happen. We had talked about getting engaged for over 2 years and our 4th year was the best yet with nothing bad in sight. We have definitely had disagreements and fights but we always solved our issues and made sure they didn’t break us. But one thing I had noticed was that her communication wasn’t that good anymore and it seemed like she wasn’t as excited to spend time with me since it went from having one on time with her 3-4 times a week to once a week. She started to hang with her coworkers more and I could tell that she was not feeling 100% towards the relationship. Back in April we had went on a break but 2 weeks in she decided to finally end off everything citing that she wasn’t feeling a relationship at the moment and didn’t want to hurt me anymore even though those felt like excuses. At the end of the day, I’m doing better than I thought I would be six weeks later, and even though she’s apparently already over me I still haven’t moved on yet. I’ve tried so hard but I know it’s going to take longer for myself. I tried so hard to work things out and not have this all end the way it did. For anyone one else that reads this just know that sometimes no matter how happy you are with someone and no matter how much they tell you they love you forever, that might not always be true. I honestly hope that one day I can get another chance with her but I also know that I have to accept that this is most likely it for the both of us. I’ve learned a lot about myself through of all of this but it still hurts knowing that nothing will ever be the same between us. Especially the fact that I had planned on proposing this year. But we can’t always get the happy ending that we want.

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Faith

My boyfriend nw ex broke up with me last week on 28th out of the blue. We had been together for two yrs and 7 weeks. It was so gd during the first yr that I had no choice but fall in love with him. However, this past yr, he had totally changed. He became so insensitive towards my feelings. He started flirting with other women in my presence whom en I confronted him abt them, he blamed me for being insecure. Bse I didn’t want to lose him, I chose to tolerate it. However, there was this one woman,an Og of his, wu came in his life for whom he broke up with me. So wen he told me he was breaking up with me to b with her, I lost it. I went to his place vandalized his hse, soaked all his clothes en even tuk some money of his plus everything I ever bought him. It felt gd at the time of doing it, releasing that anger, but nw, it is jct dawning on me that I hv really lost him forever. He has blocked me everywhere. I have a long list of admirers wu even nw want to b with en I know can even treat me better than he treated me, but the sad part is they r nt the ones I want to b with. Every inch of my hrt still hopes that he misses me en wud call me to ask me to get back together! How sad is that!!! My heart is aching so much, am so in much pain that one one can even realise. Every one is telling me tht am going to b fyn but no one is giving me the medicine to cure the pain in my chest.

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Belinda

Seth – maybe she just wasn’t reafy to settle down and make that long term committment. That doesn’t mean your happy ending won’t be a reality. I’ve found sometimes people (especially those we truly love) are only meant to be in our lives for a season. Why? We don’t always know the answer. This relationship may be a stepping stone and learning experience on the road to your happy ever after. Sending peace and healing in your direction.

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JT

Hi! I might not feel exactly how you have felt but i’m going through a long term break up right now (It has only been less than a month). We had fights but then we always figure out to make things right. But I also noticed the changes in the way he communicates with me and that he was not into our relationship than he was before. We also decided to take a break but after a month, he decided to finally end things between us. He also had similar reasons for breaking up with me and sometimes I still feel that those were just excuses (even though I know how much of an honest man he is). I know that handling break-ups gets easier but it still feels so damn painful. And yeah, hope is still here. Come what may. Well, I hope you are having a great day, Seth!

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Jodi

Racquel, I feel as you do. I feel that I was terrible (at the very end). I want him back and I also know the relationship would have suffered from the same issues. It feels terrible for us, but we will heal. I think when you are ready and the right relationship makes itself known to you, you will feel differently – and not fall out of love.

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k

You need time to work on yourself, honey. Be kind to yourself. Many of us have been here before. Take some time out for you, work through your stuff, breathe deeply and invest in your family and friendships. In any relationship between two people, the relationship is only as strong as the weakest link.

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Vannility

Dear Racquel M,
I am going through exactly the same as you, emotionally. I have left my man because I felt he wasn’t enough for me and I do still think so, but there are moments when I want him back. Especially now when I got to know that he moved on and is dating someone. It makes me think that maybe I made a wrong choice? If that other woman wants him then maybe I have been to harsh in my assessment? I started asking myself why would she want to be with him? And I know the answer. For thr same reasons I have chosen him to be my partner. He took care of me, he loved me the way I never loved anyone, he was there whenever I needed him. But I have left him anyway. Because there was much more negative aspects of him and even the love he had for me wasnt enough to compensate all of that. And I know there is no way back because even if we got back together there would always be something that will not feel right about being with him. We should move on, girl. If you felt it wasnt it – it’s fine. I wish you will end up in a good relationship onr day. We have a tendency to mistske attachment and lust for love, remember only the good memories and moreover our brains work in a way that they always want us to choose an easy way out. Since break up is never an easy option therefore I think you have done what is best for you. I am no psychologist but from my point of view there is nothing wrong with you. You just need to find a person who will accept your flaws or maybe, when you really fall in love with someone, you will feel that you no longer need to be so independent and you can let someone come a little bit closer 🙂 cheer up and enjoy your life. I will do the same 🙂

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Stut

Hi.. It’s long distance relationship. It’s not my recent breakup but in January i broke up with him. But still i try to talk with him in march-april but i feel there’s no use. Things are getting more worse after i approach him. So stopped talking to him n block. But I keep missing him, our talks, intimate moments n mostly whenever I’m alone i feel crying n crying.. I feel changes in me like depression, anger and sad n uninterested in my favorite things i used to like to do… I don’t feel good energy now from inner heart.

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Terranisha C

I’ve been dating my ex for 8 years and if I’m being honest I’m only 22. He’s was my first and everything and although I don’t miss the relationship “because it was toxic” it’s apart of me that’s really sad. I’m not going be his “rock” anymore like he’ll call me. And it’s been two weeks but It still feels like the first day. Our last fight ended in a physical fight and I know I don’t deserve that but why do we love the People that hurts us the most? Its like I’m over the accusing And me not knowing myself but I miss … my friend I guess????.

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Tom h

I had a tense relationship for 6 months only and it wa any decision to end it, still I can’t help but think about her all the time and if things were different. Most of my thinking is her getting intimate with someone else and it is painful…it’s been 2 weeks I think it’s getting easier, it’s the battle between mind and heart, my mind knows and tells me me 100% that she’s not the right person for me l, however, my heart still yearns for her and miss being intimate with her, just have to resist and stay focused on the reasons why it won’t ever work and pray for this pain to pass…

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Raphael R

I was in a relationship for 6 years but it was a long distance one but every 2 months wecwere together and was making plans to marry…I did a lot for this relationship because of love…when you love someone you do everthing for that person….In this period of covid19 I was talking to her and I told her I miss a little more love and attention from her…..she got mad and told me to look for somone else that can be close to you…likevthat and she never text or call me back. I tried to contact her but shevwont answe or text me back…..I am feeling after 3 weeks of this still so sad and it hurts so bad….some days it goes good but for a moment and then you fall back and only tears are rolling down…..it is a pain you can explain…..still fighting to go on……thank you for reading…

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Jorge L

My name is Jorge

I was living the best life but my gf was slowly crumbling inside and i never noticed. When she finally told me i got mad and we fought and she finally made the decision to leave me but then 1 hour passed and she came back. That was the worst hour of my life. She asked for some time… and it all went downhill from here. We din’t talk for a whole day and then she finally realized I was no good to her and dumped me. Its been about two to three weeks and i found out she had sex with her ex. This has been the worst days of my life and it feels like an eternal nightmare. Thing is I still want her back even though thats not a good person for me anymore since she hurt me so much. Thanks for reading.

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Mi

We were living a wonderful life with my boyfriend almost for four months but because my brother threatened him he told me to break up. What’s killing me most is that we’re getting separated not because of our problems but someone else. I have never been sad, vulnerable and so down I can’t eat I feel like I hate my life and my self. Every day I try to make my self busy during the day and at night I sleep when I’m really tired and then at in the middle of the night I find myself thinking about him and all the stories. This is happening everyday I don’t know what to do.

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Paddy

since my children’s mother split i havent been able to eat properly, I am awake all night and sleep and dawn, She has now found someone new and i am dying inside, I think about her every minute of the day now I torture myself with visions of her and her new boyfriend together, its not easy for me to walk away as we have children together, I love her more than ever but I know Ive lost her for good.

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Archit J

Dude you’ll be alright. Things come into perspective in a while. Just gather you courage and do small things, things that don’t require much efforts, that’ll add to you every day. So that you won’t regret that you wasted your time moving on. At the end of the process you’ll be one great person, better than before, a hero in your eyes and your children’s too. ❤️

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Vicky C

I broke up with my boyfriend of 12 years, just on lockdown. There had been cracks for a while, He had wanted us to settle down, marry and have children, all of which, for a reason I can’t explain why, I didn’t give him Cracks appeared 4 years ago and he gradually became distant, overcritical, untrustworthy and very over friendly with another woman, to the point he was being secretive, buying her gifts and visits to get house without my knowledge. We split briefly and rekindled. However, cracks appeared again and it all turned sour on lockdown when we both knew it was over
The pain and torment in my heart has been so severe, 3 months on that pain is stil there. However, more of an ache and longing rather than excruciating pain, distress and pining for ‘the one’. I was told I was an awful girlfriend and I am now deeply regretful for the actions I didn’t take and things we didn’t do. I had a miscarriage 8 years ago and the loss of my boyfriend has brought back the loss of my pregnancy. I wonder if things could have been different, we would have stayed happy and complete There is no path marked with our names on, only instinct. Life is a journey and time and reflection is a healer. I will always love my boyfriend and think about what could have been. Heartache is one of the greatest pains I have ever experienced and hope to overcome with time.

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Mila

I’ve been in a relationship for almost four years. We broke up a few weeks ago. The thing is that all the time when we were in a relationship I was thinking that something is wrong constantly. And finaly I coundn’t stand that. So I encouraged our break up and he didnt say anything against that. He looked happy and releaved. He said that he would have done that earlier but he didn’t want to hurt me. I was dying inside because I love him. After a day, in the night, I wrote him why I love him and that I hope that one day maybe after a few years, we could be together again, life happens, right? But he wrote me that he doesn’t love me for a long time, he just couldn’t let me go. And lying is the biggest thing I hate but because I understand that person I cant be mad. I know why he didnt tell me for so long. And I still hope that one day we could be together, we just need time, because we didnt have a fairytale history. I did a lot of thing psichologicly bad for give, I went to psychologist, and after that I healed but he didnt, he stopped loving me. Actually, I’m very messed up now, I dont know what was true and love, and what was a lie. I dream every night that he comes to me and says that he was wrong and he loves me. I wait him near the door even though I know he would never do such a surprise to me. And even after so much I love him, I am not mad and I want him to be happy. But it hurts. A lot.

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Sheldon

I just broke up with ex one week ago, we had wonderful times througth the year, but our values differ, especialy when it comes to gifts from others, she took them as a habbit and refuse to talk about it when I brought things up. We were engaged, I thought we can discuss whether or which gift you can take, she said it is her own business and it makes no sense talking to me, at that moment, I can not see the future of us. After three days of silence, she wanted to break up and gave back the ring. Even though she told me she does not want a breakup, I feel like I can not trust her anymore, I did not feel the urge to say or do anything, I just accept the outcome in peace. Now I kept thinking about the wonderful time we had and worry whether her next boyfriend would love her as the way I did. I can`t sleep and I am ab out break down…

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Varun

hi. i also brokeup after 2 years of very close relationship and the problem with me is also same like you as i cant concentrate anything else but her only. my appeptite is decreased. i dont know what to do. i just want my mind to stop thinking of her

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Jon

Howdy Gentlemen,
My fiance and I of 3 years have just recently broken up. Thankfully we were able to talk about a lot of things, and I have documented the process pretty well. My world is shattered, my life revolved around her. The habits, the routines, the support, the feeling of being loved. Everything is gone. Every day is like being stabbed through the heart, and every night is like losing my soul.
I feel yall for sure, and here is what I believe we should do.
For one, we need to look at what we are doing and think about why we are doing it. Then we need to determine what the result of it will be.

Not sleeping, not eating, constantly thinking about her. Why are we doing those things?
For me, I could not eat because I was so upset by the situation that it blocked out my other needs. It also brought back memories of us eating together. I could not sleep because I was so used to her being by my side to talk, touch, or just share the space. I still cant stop thinking about her, because I choose to associate every aspect of life with her and the future I fully believed we would have.
The result of these behaviors will dish us out more pain, more loss, and continue to hurt our futures. We will lose energy. We will lose strength. We will break ourselves…
Now I know we cant just stop these behaviors. ( I consider myself very rational, but my mind simply cant defeat my heart ) However, telling yourself every day that not only will this hurt US, but it also hurts EVERYONE ELSE. Your friends, your family, even your ex would never wish this on us.
We need to let go. We need to determine exactly what kind of future we envision for ourselves. Even if that future is ” I want my ex back “. Then, we need to build ourselves into someone who is capable of that future.
DO NOT BREAK
DO NOT GIVE UP
LOVE YOURSELF, SO THAT YOU MAY LOVE OTHERS IN PEACE.
I’m not there yet, but hopefully some of my words ring true to you. We will recover my friends. We will learn from what has happened. We will be grateful for the good times we had. We will not hold resentment in our hearts, because we are smart enough to know that everything happens for a reason. Believe with unwavering conviction that you will succeed, and make it happen. You never know where we will be further down the road.
I wish yall the best, and a speedy recovery.
Regards,
Jon

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Stut

Hi.. It’s long distance relationship. It’s not my recent breakup but in January i broke up with him. But still i try to talk with him in march-april but i feel there’s no use. Things are getting more worse after i approach him. So stopped talking to him n block. But I keep missing him, our talks, intimate moments n mostly whenever I’m alone i feel crying n crying.. I feel changes in me like depression, anger and sad n uninterested in my favorite things i used to like to do… I don’t feel good energy now from inner heart.

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P

Jon I love your post were all suffering here am going through exactly what your going through, I dont eat i dont sleep i cant think of anything but my my ex sometimes i wish I didn’t have kids with her because now i have to remain in her life and i know she doesnt love me anymore ive never been through heartache like this in my life ive been through all emotions even thought about ending it, but i couldn’t do it i have children and a life to live, we all have to stay strong find hobbies take things slow dont rush these painful feelings its ok not to be ok tell ourselves that we our hurting inside and were going to be ok, alls i can say is its not going to be like this forever.

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Gavin

Hi Jon, thanks for your healing words, 10 months in to my heart break and I’m just starting to see some light at the end of a very dark tunnel…

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Crisis

There are many outlets to release your pain.
Try chatting with a crisis counselor at Crisis Text Line. They literally helped me every night while I was alone and depressed. Breaking up was terrible for me.

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Ro

5 years. I was doing my best being patient. There was something that I saw in her, when I wanted to date her. I knew from the first look, that she had the same feeling about life inside as I did. I was sure of that. But half year ago, I got tired of not being taken for granted. My strength was put in my patience, and I was thriving for celebrations. I always knew that there was more of me inside, still, my patience became a picture of me for her, and she did not believe me of who I was. It was stressful. I wanted to give her something. In the end she told me : I am thankful for the gifts, that you gave me. But there are no more feelings.
for me it is painful. I should not have taken a teachers role here, but what love is ? I taught her, she taught me about things that come from inside. That is lovely. We can not cope together. She picks at me when I express what I am capable of, and after a day we both agree, that we could be together : I pull you on the nose, you pull me on my nerves – she says. we love one another, but we cannot cope with arguments no more. And she got medical issues, when I stopped putting my strength on keeping myself patient. This showed her that she was egoistic.
She got messed over that, and I see her. Still, she does not want to hear anything about that from me. well, sometimes she does. She is pushing that away from her.

I love her. She is a beautiful soul. Good luck for her.
I need to rearrange myself now. Make something for myself.

And I think that if there was a beautiful time – do not delete it after it gets nasty. Remember the beauty you had. Do not put a cross over it.

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Rey

It’s been over a year since my breakup but some days it feel too fresh. My ex and I dated for 3 and a half years and I saw a lifetime with her. And then those plans changed. I spent so much time reminiscing on everything that we had and wishing on the things that we didn’t.

This was a painful chapter of my life, and the recovery has been slow. Some days are better than others, but you know, life still goes on even if its not how we thought it would be. I just wish I came across this article sooner to help me further realize this fact.

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jojie

I had relationship with my EX for almost 6 years. He is very comitted in our relationship in the 3rd year we apart by distance. But he maintaining our closeness by visiting me every 3-4months, we used to have trip together. So we both never feel apart always stay close.
But i decided to broke up after many years i did not seen any future for stability into marriage. There will always excuses since our first year till the 5th years. First he lied me bout his status in the second year that he still processing his divorce. I was shocked that time, i did broke him but him kept coming and promised that everything on track. His genuinely and comitted will do anything for us that was the reasons so i give the second chance for him to proof. But that was the same no changes after 5 years and I only found out he still with his wife. They have problem and he was afraid to loss his son. Thats the main reasons why he never processed anything
Im exhausted for all the promises and love words and the trip few months. I feel terible heart broken and ended our relationship. And now he still begging me to be back and said that he just started the divorce. But i will never trust all his blinded me. He even asked his good friend to contact me to asked forgiveness and kept stay waiting for him till end of the year for his divorce. His friend told me that he is really obssed at me and was confused to take decision. I know this is hard for me since his the first love for me and i was treated like a princess during our relationship. Thoght we are perfect couple as soul mate unfortunately all paid by untrustworthy. This is deeply pain for me to healing and while he is till begging to be back. I had block his contacts but all the memories still running well into my heart. Im praying for everyone who have this situation we all can find our own happiness

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Gavin

Hi Rey, I too am almost at the one year mark post break up, it still feels like it happened just yesterday but I beleive I have made progress since I stopped replying to her random breadcrumb messages just a couple of months ago. Just wondering how your healing went and if the pain does ease after many months that turn into years?

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We teach our kids to respect adults and other children, and they should – respect is an important part of growing up to be a pretty great human. There’s something else though that’s even more important – teaching them to respect themselves first. 

We can’t stop difficult people coming into their lives. They might be teachers, coaches, peers, and eventually, colleagues, or perhaps people connected to the people who love them. What we can do though is give our kids independence of mind and permission to recognise that person and their behaviour as unacceptable to them. We can teach our kids that being kind and respectful doesn’t necessarily mean accepting someone’s behaviour, beliefs or influence. 

The kindness and respect we teach our children to show to others should never be used against them by those broken others who might do harm. We have to recognise as adults that the words and attitudes directed to our children can be just as damaging as anything physical. 

If the behaviour is from an adult, it’s up to us to guard our child’s safe space in the world even harder. That might be by withdrawing support for the adult, using our own voice with the adult to elevate our child’s, asking our child what they need and how we can help, helping them find their voice, withdrawing them from the environment. 

Of course there will be times our children do or say things that aren’t okay, but this never makes it okay for any adult in your child’s life to treat them in a way that leads them to feeling ‘less than’.

Sometimes the difficult person will be a peer. There is no ‘one certain way’ to deal with this. Sometimes it will involve mediation, role playing responses, clarifying the other child’s behaviour, asking for support from other adults in the environment, or letting go of the friendship.

Learning that it’s okay to let go of relationships is such an important part of full living. Too often we hold on to people who don’t deserve us. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay and if we can help our children start to think about this when they’re young, they’ll be so much more empowered and deliberate in their relationships when they’re older.♥️
When we are angry, there will always be another emotion underneath it. It is this way for all of us. 

Anger itself is a valid emotion so it’s important not to dismiss it. Emotion is e-motion - energy in motion. It has to find a way out, which is why telling an angry child to calm down or to keep their bodies still will only make things worse for them. They might comply, but their bodies will still be in a state of distress. 

Often, beneath an angry child is an anxious one needing our help. It’s the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. As with all emotions, anger has a job to do - to help us to safety through movement, or to recruit support, or to give us the physical resources to meet a need or to change something that needs changing. It doesn’t mean it does the job well, because an angry brain means the feeling brain has the baton, while the thinking brain sits out for a while. What it means is that there is a valid need there and this young person is doing their very best to meet it, given their available resources in the moment or their developmental stage. 

Children need the same thing we all need when we’re feeling fierce - to be seen,  heard, and supported; to find a way to get the energy out, either with words or movement. Not to be shut down or ‘fixed’. 

Our job isn’t to stop their anger, but to help them find ways to feel it and express it in ways that don’t do damage. This will take lots of experience, and lots of time - and that’s okay.♥️
The SCCR Online Conference 2021 is a wonderful initiative by @sccrcentre (Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution) which will explore ’The Power of Reconnection’. I’ve been working with SCCR for many years. They do incredible work to build relationships between young people and the important adults around them, and I’m excited to be working with them again as part of this conference.

More than ever, relationships matter. They heal, provide a buffer against stress, and make the world feel a little softer and safer for our young people. Building meaningful connections can take time, and even the strongest relationships can feel the effects of disconnection from time to time. As part of this free webinar, I’ll be talking about the power of attachment relationships, and ways to build relationships with the children and teens in your life that protect, strengthen, and heal. 

The workshop will be on Monday 11 October at 7pm Brisbane, Australia time (10am Scotland time). The link to register is in my story.
There are many things that can send a nervous system into distress. These can include physiological (tired, hungry, unwell), sensory overload/ underload, real or perceived threat (anxiety), stressed resources (having to share, pay attention, learn new things, putting a lid on what they really think or want - the things that can send any of us to the end of ourselves).

Most of the time it’s developmental - the grown up brain is being built and still has a way to go. Like all beautiful, strong, important things, brains take time to build. The part of the brain that has a heavy hand in regulation launches into its big developmental window when kids are about 6 years old. It won’t be fully done developing until mid-late 20s. This is a great thing - it means we have a wide window of influence, and there is no hurry.

Like any building work, on the way to completion things will get messy sometimes - and that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of your young one and it’s not a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of a brain in the midst of a build. It’s wondrous and fascinating and frustrating and maddening - it’s all the things.

The messy times are part of their development, not glitches in it. They are how it’s meant to be. They are important opportunities for us to influence their growth. It’s just how it happens. We have to be careful not to judge our children or ourselves because of these messy times, or let the judgement of others fill the space where love, curiosity, and gentle guidance should be. For sure, some days this will be easy, and some days it will feel harder - like splitting an atom with an axe kind of hard.

Their growth will always be best nurtured in the calm, loving space beside us. It won’t happen through punishment, ever. Consequences have a place if they make sense and are delivered in a way that doesn’t shame or separate them from us, either physically or emotionally. The best ‘consequence’ is the conversation with you in a space that is held by your warm loving strong presence, in a way that makes it safe for both of you to be curious, explore options, and understand what happened.♥️
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#mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #parenting
When children are struggling to physically control their bodies, we support them in ways that strengthen. If they’re struggling to write, for example, we don’t punish or shame them. We guide them and show them by doing ‘with’. We also lift them up, ‘I know you can do this. Keep going. You’re getting better and better.’ We also don’t wait for perfection. ‘You wrote a number 4! Nice work you!’ We sit with and do with, over and over. We also give them a break when they get frustrated or upset.

It’s the same for behaviour. Big behaviour comes from big feelings or attempts to meet valid needs. (And all needs are valid.) It is this way for all of us. When we’re upset or angry, the last thing we need is for someone to tell us we can’t be, or to lecture or shame us. Kids are the same.

With kids and teens though, there can be a sense that we need to ‘do’ something in response to big behaviour, so we lay down punishments or consequences with a view to teaching a lesson.

But - unless the consequences make sense (punishments never do), they risk teaching lessons we don’t want them to learn:
- that the environment is fragile and won’t tolerate mistakes. 
- that secrecy and lies are a safer option than coming to us. 
- shut down. They put a lid on expressing big feelings. The feelings will still be there, but they aren’t getting the vital guidance from us on how to calm them (through co-regulation). The risk is that they will eventually call on unhealthy ways to calm the fierce stress neurobiology that comes with big feelings.

Consequences have to make sense. Maybe it’s to repair or reconnect. Discipline has to teach. It’s not about what we do to them but about what we nurture within them. Is that trust and the capacity to learn and grow? Or is it fear or shame.

Often the only response that’s needed is a loving conversation with us. ‘What happened?’ ‘What were you hoping would happen?’ ‘What did you need that you didn’t get?’ What can you do differently next time?’ ‘How can you put things right?’ Because if discipline is about learning, the most powerful consequence is the strong, loving conversation with us that lights their way and speaks softly to the safety of us.♥️

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