Parenting young children is hard. It is even harder if you and your partner are not aligned in your child-rearing strategies. Same Page Parenting can go a long way to removing the obstacles that create stress, conflict, and anxiety.
Significant differences in parenting create inconsistencies that send mixed signals to kids when they misbehave. Many couples take my Childproof Parenting Course or come to me for family coaching seeking ways to be more coordinated in their parenting. Inadvertently, one parent will try to counter the style of the other and this inconsistency creates stress for everyone. For example, one parent’s style is kind, loving and lenient, while the other is strict, firm and takes a “tough love” approach. Other times both parents may vacillate between both styles reacting to their children, but that typically results in parents feeling guilty, ineffective and helpless. My role is to help parents step out of these patterns to find the right blend that sets respectful boundaries for the parent-child relationship.
There are three critical steps to becoming a Same Page Parenting team: 1) Define your long-term goals for your child and family 2) Prioritize near-term areas of improvement and 3) Take action. Get clear on your parenting philosophy, as well as tools and responses needed for working with your child(ren).
1. Define Your Long Term Goals for Your Child and Family
The best place to start is to chart a vision of what it is that you are trying to achieve as a parent and what you wish for your child(ren). The process is surprisingly easy and can take as little as 5-10 minutes to answer some thought provoking questions and then sharing them with your partner. What you will likely find is that your values and goals are quite well aligned. This exercise alone will serve as an anchor that you can return to often to reestablish just how on the same page you really are and want to be.
2. Prioritize Near Term Areas of Improvement
With family values and long-term goals now in place, it’s time to focus on the specific high-stress situations and behaviors that are creating the most friction in the home. Yes, this might be a long list but get it out there. Include everything from bedtime struggles, to not listening, setting limits on technology, getting out the door, or even whining. Agree with your partner on what are the most urgent items to address and pick a few. Focus on really making an impact on a few issues rather than trying to boil the ocean.
3. Take Action
Once you are clear on the near-term areas of improvement then it’s time to take action. Just knowing your shared values and areas of focus are a huge weight off for most parents. But where to begin? This is where things get tricky because there is no one size fits all Same Page Parenting manual. We are inundated with parenting advice but here are three areas worth exploring:
a) Consult with a professional (e.g. paediatrician, family coach, or behavioral specialist),
b) Access community resources. Take a parenting class or workshop together. Most communities have frequent events and it provides a great way to promote discussion among partners.
c) Read a parenting book. There are some amazing resources out there from authors like Alfie Kohn (Unconditional Parenting), Jane Nelson (Positive Discipline), and John Gottman (Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child)
No matter what tools or strategies you choose, finding that blend of kindness and firmness will be paramount to any successful Same Page strategy.
Taking the time to have Same Page Parenting conversations early in your parenting process will be an invaluable investment in your family. Getting clear on your long-term goals as parents will set the stage for your near-term planning. Tackle two or three issues at a time so you don’t get overwhelmed and can measure progress. Take action by getting knowledgeable about resources available to equip you with the skills you will need to successful. Same Page Parenting is the journey. Knowing why and where you want to get to is the necessary roadmap. Isn’t it time you and your partner sat down to get on the same page?
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About the Author: Melissa Benaroya
Melissa Benaroya, LICSW, is a Seattle-based parent coach, speaker and author in the Seattle area (MelissaBenaroya.com). She created the Childproof Parenting online course and is the co-founder of GROW Parenting and Mommy Matters, and the co-author of The Childproof Parent. Melissa provides parents with the tools and support they need to raise healthy children and find more joy in parenting. Melissa offers parent coaching and classes and frequently speaks at area schools and businesses. Check out Melissa’s blog for more great tips on common parenting issues and Facebook for the latest news in parent education.
I was instantly drawn to the title of this article. This topic is exponentially more difficult with blended families. My second husband and I each have a daughter from a previous marriage (ages 13 and 14), and the girls are with us about 50% of the time (they are both at our house at the same time).
My husband and I greatly differ on our parenting strategies and philosophies; with me being much more strict and involved in decisions, and him being much more laid back. This causes a lot of stress, as I often feel like I’m “the bad guy”, and it leaves my daughter asking, “how come I can’t do what she is doing?” My husband and I have tried to have discussions about this topic, but it usually ends up with us feeling like someone is being judged/criticized, and there has never been any resolution. Any thoughts/suggestions? Thanks!
I hear you Susie! It’s exactly the same in our household, just with a 13 year old boy each…..
My husband has a “stick my head in the sand” approach which clearly speaks for itself, so any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Susie
This is a tough topic! I think about 80% of the families in my private family coaching practice come to me for this very reason. Just last week I had a divorced blended family come in to talk about this with me- dad, mom, and dad’s live-in girlfriend. So please know that you are not alone.
It’s hard to make changes to your parenting when you have been practicing it for 13+ years. I think having a 3rd party work with a family to get closer to “same page” can be helpful when you are feeling stuck. Have you taken a parenting class together? That is always a great option because the “advice” is usually evidence based and coming from a 3rd party.
In order to get to “same page” it also requires that both parties feel it is a priority and are invested in making a change. A one-sided investment will unfortunately always fail.
If you want to start small I might also suggest having family meetings to discuss current challenges so that you all might brainstorm solutions together. Having these weekly chats can help you to avoid future challenges because the expectations have been clearly set and the girls both know how to manage themselves.
If you are interested I am happy to write a blog post on this topic. Let me know and I will add it to my priority list of future topics.
Yours in parenting,
Melissa
I am going to invest in all three books you mentioned , I was thinking ok I need to address these (all kinds in my head muddling round) , so this is given me the starting point , great reading
Hi Lisa
I’m so glad to hear that you have found this piece helpful. But please don’t bite off more than you can chew. (Unless you are a speed reader of course) I would suggest just getting one to start. I am sure you are a busy parent and sometimes having 3 parenting books staring at you on your nightstand can make parenting feel more stressful. I hope you enjoy the reading and I would love to hear your thoughts after you have read ONE of them! : )
Yours in parenting,
Melissa