4 Ways You can Replace Self-Blame with Self-Care

4 Ways You can Replace Self-Blame with Self-Care

Resilience is the capacity to bounce back from a negative force. It’s your ability to adapt in a positive way to difficult situations. We are all wired for self-preservation. Our senses warn us of danger. Our bodies fight off disease and infection. And our beautiful minds protect us from harm with ways of coping such as denial and repression. Why then do we hear that internal “bad news” radio of ours, that seems to be stuck on the self-blame frequency? And what do we do about it to take better care of ourselves?

Blaming negative events on ourselves undermines our mental and physical health. It’s linked to depression, guilt, shame and increased cortisol production, which sends our stress levels through the roof. There has been a recent push to take greater self-care and build resiliency amongst our children and ourselves. But how do we do that? Here are four simple and practical ways to reverse the effects of self-blame.

  • Work, Work, Work, Work, Work – said by my girl, Rihanna. 

You know you are a damn good professional/stay at home parent. You also tell yourself you got there through hard work and dedication to your career. The only thing is, with excessive and compulsive working in today’s world, that’s never enough. This makes you believe you’re not enough. And you cut yourself no slack because of it. You need to take a break to decompress and do your job well. Being well rested and refilling your tank allows you to get the job done with passion and energy. Not burnout and frustration. Bottom line: take a break. What you’ve done is good enough for today. Read: You are good enough.

  • Practice gratitude.

This needs to be at the top of everyone’s to-do list for self-care. Choose a good time to reflect on the three things you are grateful for each day. This stops any self-blame right in its tracks. One way to bring this into your daily life is to write in a journal. There are apps that can help to find space for gratitude in busy days (such as Grid Diary). There is an abundance of research that has found gratitude has a remarkable capacity to rewire the brain in positive ways.

  • Blame yourself for the good too.

Be aware of your language as it has such a powerful effect on your life. Replace “I should” with “I could” and feel empowered by the choices you have over your own decisions. ‘Blame yourself’ for the good that happens in your life too, instead of only the bad. Caught yourself blaming your child’s anxiety on being a bad parent? Counteract that by ‘blaming’ her caring personality on your good genes.

  • Turn Down the volume on your “bad news” radio.

It can be difficult to take care of yourself and others around you when you have that negative self-talk or “bad news” radio playing in the background. So let’s settle this: you can lose your patience and still be a good parent and life partner, right? Right. Similarly, you can still have that bad news radio playing and do an amazing job of life at the same time. Your job is to turn down the volume, not to switch it off. We all struggle with our own inner voice sometimes. It’s normal and part of what makes us human. Learn how to turn down the volume: be mindful, be aware of your inner voice and let it know you are in charge. Tell if off out loud, “No thank you, inner voice. I have no space for you right now. I have more important things to focus on.”

Build resiliency by fighting off your own inner voice and become a more confident parent or caregiver right away! Self-blame can have huge effects on your mental and physical health. It can wreak havoc in your daily life making self-care almost impossible to do. Take care of you, not only for yourself, but for your family too.

[irp posts=”8603″ name=”5 Reasons Your Child Craves Boundaries (by Carla Buck)”]


About the Author: Carla Buck

Carla Buck, M.A., is a writer, therapist and global traveler having traveled to more than 80 countries worldwide. She has experience working with children and parents all over the world, having lived, worked and volunteered in Africa, North America, Europe and the Middle East. Carla is the creator of Warrior Brain, helping empower parents and care-givers with simple and practical ways to confidently raise secure and calm children.

You can visit her website and learn more at www.warriorbrain.com or join the Warrior Brain Parenting community on Facebook.

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Separation anxiety can come with a tail whip - not only does it swipe at kids, but it will so often feel brutal for their important adults too.

If your child struggle to separate at school, or if bedtimes tougher than you’d like them to be, or if ‘goodbye’ often come with tears or pleas to stay, or the ‘fun’ from activities or play dates get lost in the anxiety of being away from you, I hear you.

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Access to the recording will be available for 30 days from the date of purchase.

Link to shop in bio. 

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The more we treat anxiety as a problem, or as something to be avoided, the more we inadvertently turn them away from the safe, growthful, brave things that drive it. 

On the other hand, when we make space for anxiety, let it in, welcome it, be with it, the more we make way for them to recognise that anxiety isn’t something they need to avoid. They can feel anxious and do brave. 

As long as they are safe, let them know this. Let them see you believing them that this feels big, and believing in them, that they can handle the big. 

‘Yes this feels scary. Of course it does - you’re doing something important/ new/ hard. I know you can do this. How can I help you feel brave?’♥️
I’ve loved working with @sccrcentre over the last 10 years. They do profoundly important work with families - keeping connections, reducing clinflict, building relationships - and they do it so incredibly well. @sccrcentre thank you for everything you do, and for letting me be a part of it. I love what you do and what you stand for. Your work over the last decade has been life-changing for so many. I know the next decade will be even more so.♥️

In their words …
Posted @withregram • @sccrcentre Over the next fortnight, as we prepare to mark our 10th anniversary (28 March), we want to re-share the great partners we’ve worked with over the past decade. We start today with Karen Young of Hey Sigmund.

Back in 2021, when we were still struggling with covid and lockdowns, Karen spoke as part of our online conference on ‘Strengthening the relationship between you & your teen’. It was a great talk and I’m delighted that you can still listen to it via the link in the bio.

Karen also blogged about our work for the Hey Sigmund website in 2018. ‘How to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Children and Teens by Understanding Their Unique Brain Chemistry (by SCCR)’, which is still available to read - see link in bio.

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I often go into schools to talk to kids and teens about anxiety and big feelings. 

I always ask, ‘Who’s tried breathing through big feels and thinks it’s a load of rubbish?’ Most of them put their hand up. I put my hand up too, ‘Me too,’ I tell them, ‘I used to think the same as you. But now I know why it didn’t work, and what I needed to do to give me this powerful tool (and it’s so powerful!) that can calm anxiety, anger - all big feelings.’

The thing is though, all powertools need a little instruction and practice to use them well. Breathing is no different. Even though we’ve been breathing since we were born, we haven’t been strong breathing through big feelings. 

When the ‘feeling brain’ is upset, it drives short shallow breathing. This is instinctive. In the same ways we have to teach our bodies how to walk, ride a bike, talk, we also have to teach our brains how to breathe during big feelings. We do this by practising slow, strong breathing when we’re calm. 

We also have to make the ‘why’ clear. I talk about the ‘why’ for strong breathing in Hey Warrior, Dear You Love From Your Brain, and Ups and Downs. Our kids are hungry for the science, and they deserve the information that will make this all make sense. Breathing is like a lullaby for the amygdala - but only when it’s practised lots during calm.♥️
When it’s time to do brave, we can’t always be beside them, and we don’t need to be. What we can do is see them and help them feel us holding on, even in absence, while we also believe in their brave.♥️

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