Self-Compassion – Let’s Talk About Why You Need This.

Anything that works as hard as the human body, deserves more than a constant critique of how it looks in a pair of skinny jeans. 

It’s highly probably that I’m not the only woman in the world with thighs that look like they’ve been in a hailstorm. Clearly cellulite is as keen on me as I am on oxygen – but anything that runs me around without thanks or hesitation (okay – sometimes there’s a bit of hesitation but you know what I mean) deserves appreciation.

It’s also highly probable that I’m not the only woman for whom the mere thought of double-digit sit-ups makes my abs want to throw themselves into oncoming traffic – but anything that plays such a major part in keeping me alive and healthy deserves high praise.

My arms? They hold those I love close and set the minimum distance for those I’m not keen on. Oh, and they carry, lift, write, cook, touch …

Like all bodies, mine works hard and deserves more than constant criticism about how it looks. So how do we do that?

It’s no secret how important a positive body image is, but a recent study has found that the key to a positive body image may lie in the way we respond to the disappointments and struggles that have nothing to do with physical image.

Research has found that self-compassion in any context, not just in relation to the way we see ourselves physically, lifts body image and protects against eating disorders and unhealthy weight management practices.

Accepting disappointments and struggles as a normal part of life and treating the self kindly during times that seem unrelated to body issues and eating, seems to have an effect on body image.

As researcher Professor Allison Kelly explained, ‘Women may experience a more positive body image and better eating habits if they approach disappointments and distress with kindness and recognition that these struggles are a normal part of life.’

Self-compassion – treating oneself with kindness during disappointments and difficulties – has unique benefits and important benefits.

The research found that regardless of weight and body mass index, women who had more self-compassion were more able to acknowledge and accept their imperfect body. They also had a better body image and were less concerned about weight and body shape and had a better relationship with food.

The biggest threat to self-compassion is comparison.

Only 2% of the world’s population are supermodels. The rest of us make our mark in ways other than how we look in a bikini. Thankfully.

Nobody looks the way magazines would have us believe they do. Nobody. Even the women in the photos don’t look like that.

The human body is extraordinary. It’s time to stop trashing it for the way it looks in skinny jeans and start appreciating the phenomenal things we are capable of because of the body we live in, whatever shape that takes.

 

2 Comments

Tom Cloyd MS MA

Nicely written, nicely thought out. I enjoyed it and will post a link to it on my G+ community – Trauma and Dissociation Education and Advocacy. Thanks!

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Some days are keepers. Thank you Perth for your warmth and wide open arms at the @resilientkidsconference. Gosh I loved today with you so much. Thank you for sharing your stories with me, laughing with me, and joining with us in building brave in the young people in our lives. They are in strong, beautiful hands.

And then there is you @michellemitchell.author, @maggiedentauthor, @drjustincoulson, @nathandubsywant - you multiply the joy of days like today.♥️
When you can’t cut out (their worries), add in (what they need for felt safety). 

Rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus to what we can do. Make the environment as safe as we can (add in another safe adult), and have so much certainty that they can do this, they can borrow what they need and wrap it around themselves again and again and again.

You already do this when they have to do things that don’t want to do, but which you know are important - brushing their teeth, going to the dentist, not eating ice cream for dinner (too often). The key for living bravely is to also recognise that so many of the things that drive anxiety are equally important. 

We also need to ask, as their important adults - ‘Is this scary safe or scary dangerous?’ ‘Do I move them forward into this or protect them from it?’♥️
The need to feel connected to, and seen by our people is instinctive. 

THE FIX: Add in micro-connections to let them feel you seeing them, loving them, connecting with them, enjoying them:

‘I love being your mum.’
‘I love being your dad.’
‘I missed you today.’
‘I can’t wait to hang out with you at bedtime 
and read a story together.’

Or smiling at them, playing with them, 
sharing something funny, noticing something about them, ‘remembering when...’ with them.

And our adult loves need the same, as we need the same from them.♥️
Our kids need the same thing we do: to feel safe and loved through all feelings not just the convenient ones.

Gosh it’s hard though. I’ve never lost my (thinking) mind as much at anyone as I have with the people I love most in this world.

We’re human, not bricks, and even though we’re parents we still feel it big sometimes. Sometimes these feelings make it hard for us to be the people we want to be for our loves.

That’s the truth of it, and that’s the duality of being a parent. We love and we fury. We want to connect and we want to pull away. We hold it all together and sometimes we can’t.

None of this is about perfection. It’s about being human, and the best humans feel, argue, fight, reconnect, own our ‘stuff’. We keep working on growing and being more of our everythingness, just in kinder ways.

If we get it wrong, which we will, that’s okay. What’s important is the repair - as soon as we can and not selling it as their fault. Our reaction is our responsibility, not theirs. This might sound like, ‘I’m really sorry I yelled. You didn’t deserve that. I really want to hear what you have to say. Can we try again?’

Of course, none of this means ‘no boundaries’. What it means is adding warmth to the boundary. One without the other will feel unsafe - for them, us, and others.

This means making sure that we’ve claimed responsibility- the ability to respond to what’s happening. It doesn’t mean blame. It means recognising that when a young person is feeling big, they don’t have the resources to lead out of the turmoil, so we have to lead them out - not push them out.

Rather than focusing on what we want them to do, shift the focus to what we can do to bring felt safety and calm back into the space.

THEN when they’re calm talk about what’s happened, the repair, and what to do next time.

Discipline means ‘to teach’, not to punish. They will learn best when they are connected to you. Maybe there is a need for consequences, but these must be about repair and restoration. Punishment is pointless, harmful, and outdated.

Hold the boundary, add warmth. Don’t ask them to do WHEN they can’t do. Wait until they can hear you and work on what’s needed. There’s no hurry.♥️

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