Self-Compassion – Let’s Talk About Why You Need This.

Anything that works as hard as the human body, deserves more than a constant critique of how it looks in a pair of skinny jeans. 

It’s highly probably that I’m not the only woman in the world with thighs that look like they’ve been in a hailstorm. Clearly cellulite is as keen on me as I am on oxygen – but anything that runs me around without thanks or hesitation (okay – sometimes there’s a bit of hesitation but you know what I mean) deserves appreciation.

It’s also highly probable that I’m not the only woman for whom the mere thought of double-digit sit-ups makes my abs want to throw themselves into oncoming traffic – but anything that plays such a major part in keeping me alive and healthy deserves high praise.

My arms? They hold those I love close and set the minimum distance for those I’m not keen on. Oh, and they carry, lift, write, cook, touch …

Like all bodies, mine works hard and deserves more than constant criticism about how it looks. So how do we do that?

It’s no secret how important a positive body image is, but a recent study has found that the key to a positive body image may lie in the way we respond to the disappointments and struggles that have nothing to do with physical image.

Research has found that self-compassion in any context, not just in relation to the way we see ourselves physically, lifts body image and protects against eating disorders and unhealthy weight management practices.

Accepting disappointments and struggles as a normal part of life and treating the self kindly during times that seem unrelated to body issues and eating, seems to have an effect on body image.

As researcher Professor Allison Kelly explained, ‘Women may experience a more positive body image and better eating habits if they approach disappointments and distress with kindness and recognition that these struggles are a normal part of life.’

Self-compassion – treating oneself with kindness during disappointments and difficulties – has unique benefits and important benefits.

The research found that regardless of weight and body mass index, women who had more self-compassion were more able to acknowledge and accept their imperfect body. They also had a better body image and were less concerned about weight and body shape and had a better relationship with food.

The biggest threat to self-compassion is comparison.

Only 2% of the world’s population are supermodels. The rest of us make our mark in ways other than how we look in a bikini. Thankfully.

Nobody looks the way magazines would have us believe they do. Nobody. Even the women in the photos don’t look like that.

The human body is extraordinary. It’s time to stop trashing it for the way it looks in skinny jeans and start appreciating the phenomenal things we are capable of because of the body we live in, whatever shape that takes.

 

2 Comments

Tom Cloyd MS MA

Nicely written, nicely thought out. I enjoyed it and will post a link to it on my G+ community – Trauma and Dissociation Education and Advocacy. Thanks!

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Lead with warmth and confidence: ‘Yes I know this feels big, and yes I know you can handle it.’ 

We’re not saying they’ll handle it well, and we’re not dismissing their anxiety. What we’re saying is ‘I know you can handle the discomfort of anxiety.’ 

It’s not our job to relive this discomfort. We’ll want to, but we don’t have to. Our job is to give them the experiences they need (when it’s safe) to let them see that they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. 

This is important, because there will  always be anxiety when they do something brave, new, important, growthful. 

They can feel anxious and do brave. Leading with warmth and confidence is about, ‘Yes, I believe you that this feels bad, and yes, I believe in you.’ When we believe in them, they will follow. So often though, it will start with us.♥️
There are things we do because we love them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel loved because of those things.

Of course our kids know we love them, and we know they love us. But sometimes, they might feel disconnected from that feeling of being ‘loved by’. As parents, we might feel disconnected from the feeling of being ‘appreciated by’.

It’s no coincidence that sometimes their need to feel loved, and our need to feel appreciated collide. This collision won’t sound like crashing metal or breaking concrete. It will sound like anger, frustration, demanding, nagging. 

It will feel like not mattering, resentment, disconnection. It can burst through us like meteors of anger, frustration, irritation, defiance. It can be this way for us and our young ones. (And our adult relationships too.)

We humans have funny ways of saying, ‘I miss you.’

Our ‘I miss you’ might sound like nagging, annoyance, anger. It might feel like resentment, rage, being taken for granted, sadness, loneliness. It might look like being less playful, less delighting in their presence.

Their ‘I miss you’ might look like tantrums, aggression, tears, ignoring, defiant indifference, attention-seeking (attention-needing). It might sound like demands, anger, frustration.

The point is, there are things we do because we love them - cleaning, the laundry, the groceries, cooking. And yes, we want them to be grateful, but feeling grateful and feeling loved are different things. 

Sometimes the things that make them feel loved are so surprising and simple and unexpected - seeking them out for play, micro-connections, the way you touch their hair at bedtime, the sound of your laugh at their jokes, when you delight in their presence (‘Gosh I’ve missed you today!’ Or, ‘I love being your mum so much. I love it better than everything. Even chips. If someone said you can be queen of the universe or Molly’s mum, I’d say ‘Pfft don’t annoy me with your offers of a crown. I’m Molly’s mum and I’ll never love being anything more.’’)

So ask them, ‘What do I do that makes you feel loved?’ If they say ‘When you buy me Lego’, gently guide them away from bought things, and towards what you do for them or with them.♥️
We don’t have to protect them from the discomfort of anxiety. We’ll want to, but we don’t have to.

OAnxiety often feels bigger than them, but it isn’t. This is a wisdom that only comes from experience. The more they sit with their anxiety, the more they will see that they can feel anxious and do brave anyway. Sometimes brave means moving forward. Sometimes it means standing still while the feeling washes away. 

It’s about sharing the space, not getting pushed out of it.

Our job as their adults isn’t to fix the discomfort of anxiety, but to help them recognise that they can handle that discomfort - because it’s going to be there whenever they do something brave, hard , important. When we move them to avoid anxiety, we potentially, inadvertently, also move them to avoid brave, hard, growthful things. 

‘Brave’ rarely feels brave. It will feel jagged and raw. Sometimes fragile and threadbare. Sometimes it will as though it’s breathing fire. But that’s how brave feels sometimes. 

The more they sit with the discomfort of anxiety, the more they will see that anxiety isn’t an enemy. They don’t have to be scared of it. It’s a faithful ally, a protector, and it’s telling them, ‘Brave lives here. Stay with me. Let me show you.’♥️
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#parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinkids #teenanxiety
We have to stop treating anxiety as a disorder. Even for kids who have seismic levels of anxiety, pathologising anxiety will not serve them at all. All it will do is add to their need to avoid the thing that’s driving anxiety, which will most often be something brave, hard, important. (Of course if they are in front of an actual danger, we help anxiety do its job and get them out of the way of that danger, but that’s not the anxiety we’re talking about here.)

The key to anxiety isn’t in the ‘getting rid of’ anxiety, but in the ‘moving with’ anxiety. 

The story they (or we) put to their anxiety will determine their response. ‘You have anxiety. We need to fix it or avoid the thing that’s causing it,’ will drive a different response to, ‘Of course you have anxiety. You’re about to do something brave. What’s one little step you can take towards it?’

This doesn’t mean they will be able to ‘move with’ their anxiety straight away. The point is, the way we talk to them about anxiety matters. 

We don’t want them to be scared of anxiety, because we don’t want them to be scared of the brave, important, new, hard things that drive anxiety. Instead, we want to validate and normalise their anxiety, and attach it to a story that opens the way for brave: 

‘Yes you feel anxious - that’s because you’re about to do something brave. Sometimes it feels like it happens for no reason at all. That’s because we don’t always know what your brain is thinking. Maybe it’s thinking about doing something brave. Maybe it’s thinking about something that happened last week or last year. We don’t always know, and that’s okay. It can feel scary, and you’re safe. I would never let you do something unsafe, or something I didn’t think you could handle. Yes you feel anxious, and yes you can do this. You mightn’t feel brave, but you can do brave. What can I do to help you be brave right now?’♥️

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