Living Brave: How to make the right moment right now.

Living Brave: How to make the right moment right now.

Sometimes we make the decision to keep the best of ourselves – the richest, warmest, most engaging part of ourselves – unseen. It happens when we hold back – from relationships, possibilities, opportunities, discovery, adventure. From the world. We lid our potential. We stand back, pull back and wait until the moment is right to take that chance, go for that job, start that business, make that change, fall in love, say the words. 

But what if the thing that was going to make the moment ‘right’ was us. Our willingness to take a risk.

The courage we need is in all of us. Too often, we never know how ‘right’ we could feel, because of the need to keep ourselves safe. There’s a reason for this. And there’s a way to stop it getting in our way.

Why we hold back.

When it comes to the decision to take a risk and move towards something we want, the fear of shame is spectacularly powerful in keeping us back. It’s the wolf at the door and it will stop us walking fully into the world before we’ve even reached for the knob.

We’ve all felt it. That feeling of not being good enough, clever enough, hardworking enough, loveable enough. Of being too forward, too silly, too much. It’s that feeling of being stripped back to nothing, placed on show, judged and reduced. That feeling of being scooped out with a spoon. 

The memory of shame remains long after the original experience is gone. The memory scars and it spreads. And that’s how it stifles us.

Whether the memory of our original shame experience is gauze thin or whether it remains vast and searing, the fear of feeling shame again is enough to keep us in check. The fear can cripple, squandering potential, possibilities, love and life. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

There’s something we need to understand about shame and it’s important: Shame doesn’t come to us to stifle us, but to protect us. It’s not shame that holds us back, but our fear that we will be shamed again and that we won’t see it coming.

Shame isn’t the enemy we think it is. But our fear of it is.

Shame feels thick. It feels heavy and unmoveable. It hurts. Shame really hurts. But it also protects. It settles itself to somewhere inside us to remind us that a particular situation, behaviour, person isn’t safe, or can’t be trusted. If it could talk in it’s purest form, it’s voice would be kind and its words would sound something like, ‘Hey now, careful. Remember what happened last time?’

In the right amounts and in the right situation, shame works hard for us. It keeps us safe from hurt, from humiliation, from falling. It’s there to warn us about the people and situations that can’t be trusted. 

The problem with shame is is that it doesn’t stay isolated. It spreads from the original experience into similar situations, sounding a warning and pulling us back when there is no need. This is when shame becomes oppressive – when we expand our fear of it into situations that seem similar to the original experience, but aren’t.

The fear of feeling shame again is what stifles us – this, together with our tendency to see all situations and all people in the same light as the one that originally hurt us.

For example, instead of being careful not be ‘silly’ in front of the mother who criticised our ‘silly’ behaviour, we keep that daring, fun loving spirit under wraps in front of everyone, and in every situation. We stop seeing each situation as new and unique and we respond to them with old behaviour that is no longer useful. We see everyone or everything as having the same capacity and the inclination to hurt us as ‘that’ person (or people or environment) did back then.

We also make the mistake of believing that we are the same person, with the same vulnerabilities we’ve always had and the same rawness and capacity to be hurt. Perhaps we do have the same capacity to be hurt, but it’s also likely  that we  have a greater capacity to deal with it. With every hurt we get stronger. We get wiser and braver. Our potential to deal with the things that go wrong, gets bigger. 

The fear of shame is enough to stand us still, but by seeing it for what it is, we can lessen its influence and move it gently out of our way. 

It’s difficult to deal with shame directly because in many ways, in its purest, most adaptive form, it’s there to look after us. What we want to do is keep it as a warning for the right situations, not all situations.

What we can deal with is the way we let those feelings of shame filter through into situations where it doesn’t need to be. Shame doesn’t do that. We do. That’s good news, because it means we can change it. Here’s how.

Are you sure you want to do this? (Spoiler Alert: Yeah. You do.)

The feeling that something is missing can feel physical. So too can living short of our potential. We’ve probably all felt it at some point but perhaps not all in the same way. For me it feels like a pressing from the inside. Usually from my chest. For some it might feel like an ache or a heaviness. Sometimes a numbing. Sometimes it’s a modern day hunting and gathering – we eat, drink, buy, attach, but still there’s that feeling that something is missing. Often, we know what it is that would make the difference but stop ourselves from moving towards it. Here’s how to change that.

  1. Look for the differences.

    Sometimes, there’s a good reason to hold back and sometimes there isn’t. Living fully is about knowing the difference – knowing when to move forward and when to pull back. To do this, it’s important to see every situation for what it is, rather than through a filter that has shame, or experiences of shame, as its lens. A situation or person may look the same as one that has triggered shame, but in fact it may be very different.  

    It’s so important to see all situations with open eyes and an open heart. If you feel that you’re holding back from something or someone, first ask yourself who or what this situation or person reminds you of. Are you responding to the situation in front of you? Or to a previous one?

    Let me give you an example. I once had a neighbour who was awful – no other way to say it. He had a long grey beard and wore round glasses. After my experience with him, I had an automatic response to all men with long grey beards and round glasses. My automatic response was to bristle. I would see these men as I saw my neighbour, not as separate people with their own personalities. Seeing these people for who they were – as different to my neighbour – took a deliberate effort. When I was able to do that, the bristling that would always be my first response would ease.

    If you’ve experienced shame in one situation, it’s normal and understandable to want to protect yourself from it ever happening again. Our natural response then, is to generalise our ‘potential shame situation’ radar to many similar situations, and respond to them all the same way. You’ll limit yourself though if you respond to new situations with an old response that is perhaps no longer helpful. To turn this around, look for the differences. How is the situation different? How is the person different? Is it in a different environment? How are you different? 

  2. Find your lift. 

    The damage of shame is done through the self-talk that tends to happen automatically and out of our awareness. To counter this, we need a lift statement – a statement that will speak to us above our fear of shame. Here’s how:

♦  Find the words that hold you back.

What’s something (or someone) you feel like you’re holding yourself back from? What’s the belief that’s stopping you from moving forward? Maybe it’s that you’re not good enough? Loveable enough? Capable enough? Worthy enough? Try to get a handle on what it is for you. It might be around the way you look, what people think of you, your capacity to earn money, your capacity to get what you deserve.

I’m going to share mine with you so I can illustrate how this works. We’re in this together, right? For me, the general one that takes up space in my head from time to time is ‘I’m not enough.’ The two specific ones that creep in are ‘I’m not likeable enough,’ and ‘I’m not capable enough.’

I know where they come from so they’ve lost a lot of their kick, but sometimes when the guard’s asleep, they sneak in. They can be bold like that. What’s the one that’s pressing in you? You’ll know when you have it – you’ll feel it. 

♦   Now, to what makes it work agains you.

The worst thing about these beliefs is the way they keep us hidden from the world. These words dress the beliefs up as truths and direct our behaviour, usually by finishing off our beliefs with ‘so I won’t‘ at the end.

‘I’m not enough, so I won’t ….’; or

‘They won’t like me, so I won’t (talk to him/ her/ ask them out / approach the group);’ or

‘I’m not smart enough, so I won’t (go for a better job/go for the promotion/start my own business).’

This is how we keep ourselves hidden. 

Now, see if you can finish your sentence ‘ [ Your belief  ] so I won’t.

♦   Time to rework it. (Because you’re way too good to let a few words get in your way.)

Examine your beliefs as fears rather than truths. For example:

Rather than, ‘I’m not enough’, try ‘I’m worried I’m not enough.’

Bring them into the spotlight. These thoughts often work automatically. They’re just there and sometimes, they’re so good at what they do, they direct our behaviour without us even realising they’ve been in the area. All we know is that we’ve held ourselves back.

If someone you cared about was telling you that this was what they say to themselves, what would you say? Chances are you’d smother it with loving words and an open heart. They’re the words you need to say to yourself. It’s the rebuttal. The negation. The ‘but …’. Play around with the words until they feel right. You’ll know it when you have it. For me, it’s this ‘… but I’ve got what it takes.’

‘I’m worried I’m not enough – but I know I’ve got what it takes.’

After a while, this will become the automatic thought. It will step up and take front and centre when the fear of shame holds you back. Try it now for yourself. 

‘I’m scared that [ your belief  ] but I know …

♦   Now we’re going to supercharge it.

Research has shown that self-talk is more powerful when we use ‘you’ instead of ‘I’. Change your statement to reflect this. This will be your new self talk.

‘You’re worried that [ your belief ] but you know you’ve got what it takes.

Now that you’ve got the idea, change the statement so it doesn’t feel cumbersome for you. For me, it looks like this:

‘You’re worried you’re not enough but you know you’ve got what it takes.’

This is the statement that will move you forward. It will give you the lift you need. Whenever you start getting in your own way, this is the statement to call on. I feel it physically when I say mine. It’s the words that you need to be deliberate about when you feel like your holding yourself back. They might not feel like they belong at first. They might feel awkward and cumbersome. All habits do at the start. But that’s a sign that you’re doing something different. That’s growth. 

The thought of doing something you’ve been wanting to, but have held yourself back from, can feel overwhelming. Of course it will. If it didn’t, you would have done it long ago, right? You don’t have to know how it will end and what it will look like you get there. You don’t have to have the full path in your view. You really don’t.

The truth is, the path you think you’ll be taking from the start will likely end up looking completely different. You’ll be redirected, you’ll take wrong turns, you’ll go right when at the beginning, you thought left. As long as you know the general direction and have an idea of what’s involved at the beginning, just take the first step. It’s the hardest one. Do that, and the rest will unfold. The most frightening time is just before the first step but sometimes, the only way through to the very best things is straight the middle. 

Now, take the step. Say the words. Take the chance. Move towards him. Or her. Go be amazing.

4 Comments

Chantel

Thank-you for such insightful articles. Whenever I’m in doubt or require a little reminder, I always find myself back here finding some little gems to apply.

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" class="url" rel="ugc external nofollow">eman

iam 42years i am broken down all my life was nonesence my father was so cruel he destroied me inside and draw my carear as he thought no as i wished i hate him now he wants to control my life after my devorce from an un successful marriage as a woman and agirl and a femal i am dis appointed but i try to work have a house of my own i hate to feel getting older wuthout having my happiness help me i need support

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Hey Sigmund

Eman I can hear how much pain you are in. There are people who can give you the support you need. You have been strong for such a long time – you would not have got through what you have been through if you weren’t. You don’t have to do this alone. There will be links on this page to people who can put you in touch with the right places, depending on where you live https://www.heysigmund.com/about/if-you-need-more-support/. Please have a look and reach out so you can heal and move towards the life you deserve.

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When you can’t cut out (their worries), add in (what they need for felt safety). 

Rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus to what we can do. Make the environment as safe as we can (add in another safe adult), and have so much certainty that they can do this, they can borrow what they need and wrap it around themselves again and again and again.

You already do this when they have to do things that don’t want to do, but which you know are important - brushing their teeth, going to the dentist, not eating ice cream for dinner (too often). The key for living bravely is to also recognise that so many of the things that drive anxiety are equally important. 

We also need to ask, as their important adults - ‘Is this scary safe or scary dangerous?’ ‘Do I move them forward into this or protect them from it?’♥️
The need to feel connected to, and seen by our people is instinctive. 

THE FIX: Add in micro-connections to let them feel you seeing them, loving them, connecting with them, enjoying them:

‘I love being your mum.’
‘I love being your dad.’
‘I missed you today.’
‘I can’t wait to hang out with you at bedtime 
and read a story together.’

Or smiling at them, playing with them, 
sharing something funny, noticing something about them, ‘remembering when...’ with them.

And our adult loves need the same, as we need the same from them.♥️
Our kids need the same thing we do: to feel safe and loved through all feelings not just the convenient ones.

Gosh it’s hard though. I’ve never lost my (thinking) mind as much at anyone as I have with the people I love most in this world.

We’re human, not bricks, and even though we’re parents we still feel it big sometimes. Sometimes these feelings make it hard for us to be the people we want to be for our loves.

That’s the truth of it, and that’s the duality of being a parent. We love and we fury. We want to connect and we want to pull away. We hold it all together and sometimes we can’t.

None of this is about perfection. It’s about being human, and the best humans feel, argue, fight, reconnect, own our ‘stuff’. We keep working on growing and being more of our everythingness, just in kinder ways.

If we get it wrong, which we will, that’s okay. What’s important is the repair - as soon as we can and not selling it as their fault. Our reaction is our responsibility, not theirs. This might sound like, ‘I’m really sorry I yelled. You didn’t deserve that. I really want to hear what you have to say. Can we try again?’

Of course, none of this means ‘no boundaries’. What it means is adding warmth to the boundary. One without the other will feel unsafe - for them, us, and others.

This means making sure that we’ve claimed responsibility- the ability to respond to what’s happening. It doesn’t mean blame. It means recognising that when a young person is feeling big, they don’t have the resources to lead out of the turmoil, so we have to lead them out - not push them out.

Rather than focusing on what we want them to do, shift the focus to what we can do to bring felt safety and calm back into the space.

THEN when they’re calm talk about what’s happened, the repair, and what to do next time.

Discipline means ‘to teach’, not to punish. They will learn best when they are connected to you. Maybe there is a need for consequences, but these must be about repair and restoration. Punishment is pointless, harmful, and outdated.

Hold the boundary, add warmth. Don’t ask them to do WHEN they can’t do. Wait until they can hear you and work on what’s needed. There’s no hurry.♥️
Recently I chatted with @rebeccasparrow72 , host of ABC Listen’s brilliant podcast, ‘Parental as Anything: Teens’. I loved this chat. Bec asked all the questions that let us crack the topic right open. Our conversation was in response to a listener’s question, that I expect will be familiar to many parents in many homes. Have a listen here:
https://www.abc.net.au/listen/programs/parental-as-anything-with-maggie-dent/how-can-i-help-my-anxious-teen/104035562
School refusal is escalating. Something that’s troubling me is the use of the word ‘school can’t’ when talking about kids.

Stay with me.

First, let’s be clear: school refusal isn’t about won’t. It’s about can’t. Not truly can’t but felt can’t. It’s about anxiety making school feel so unsafe for a child, avoidance feels like the only option.

Here’s the problem. Language is powerful, and when we put ‘can’t’ onto a child, it tells a deficiency story about the child.

But school refusal isn’t about the child.
It’s about the environment not feeling safe enough right now, or separation from a parent not feeling safe enough right now. The ‘can’t’ isn’t about the child. It’s about an environment that can’t support the need for felt safety - yet.

This can happen in even the most loving, supportive schools. All schools are full of anxiety triggers. They need to be because anything new, hard, brave, growthful will always come with potential threats - maybe failure, judgement, shame. Even if these are so unlikely, the brain won’t care. All it will read is ‘danger’.

Of course sometimes school actually isn’t safe. Maybe peer relationships are tricky. Maybe teachers are shouty and still using outdated ways to manage behaviour. Maybe sensory needs aren’t met.

Most of the time though it’s not actual threat but ’felt threat’.

The deficiency isn’t with the child. It’s with the environment. The question isn’t how do we get rid of their anxiety. It’s how do we make the environment feel safe enough so they can feel supported enough to handle the discomfort of their anxiety.

We can throw all the resources we want at the child, but:

- if the parent doesn’t believe the child is safe enough, cared for enough, capable enough; or

- if school can’t provide enough felt safety for the child (sensory accommodations, safe peer relationships, at least one predictable adult the child feels safe with and cared for by),

that child will not feel safe enough.

To help kids feel safe and happy at school, we have to recognise that it’s the environment that needs changing, not the child. This doesn’t mean the environment is wrong. It’s about making it feel more right for this child.♥️

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