When Someone You Love is Self-Harming

When Someone You Love is Self-Harming

When someone you love is self-harming, it’s confusing, confronting, frightening and the feelings of helplessness can be breathtaking. You might not understand why this is happening, but you don’t have to. I wish we could give the people we love everything they need, but sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we, the world, it isn’t enough. This is scary for you and it’s scary for them.

Whatever their struggle, there are things you can do to help. You can’t stop their pain and you can’t change the feelings driving that pain, but you don’t have to. You don’t have to fix anything. You couldn’t anyway, however much you want to. The healing is theirs but your being there is so important. It’s enough – more than enough – that you are a loving, gentle support that holds things steady and makes the world a little less painful while they heal. 

If someone you love is self-harming …

  1. There is always a good reason.

    There is always a good reason the person you love is doing this, and it’s not about attention. The reasons will be different for everyone, but it’s generally driven by emotional pain. Whether it’s a need to distract from the pain, soothe the pain, distract from the need that’s driving the pain, or cut through the endless and exhausting cycling of negative thoughts – self-harm will be an attempt to meet an important need. That doesn’t mean it’s an effective way to meet the need – it’s just a way to try. Emotional pain is a faceless, nameless beast that breathes fire and confusion and shame. It can drive the strongest of us to take extraordinary steps to make it stop.

  2. Judging and criticising will always make it worse.

    People who self-harm are strong and brave and they want to get better. The worst thing you can do is judge. Self-harm is driven by emotional pain. When you judge, or criticise it makes the emotional pain worse, which will intensify the need to self-harm.

  3. They know it doesn’t make sense.

    Self-harm doesn’t make sense to them either. Self-harm is inflicting physical pain to release emotional pain. It’s not about the logic, it’s about the feeling, or trying to get rid of the painful ones. Some of our most human experiences and feelings are completely devoid of rationality and logic. But they are honest and real all the same.

  4. Be open to being educated.

    Don’t ask why. Ask what. Asking why is confusing because generally, people who self-harm don’t know why they do it. Instead, ask what happens when they self-harm. What feelings or thoughts come? What feelings or thoughts go? Be patient if it doesn’t make sense. The experience of having the conversation is as important as anything either of you can take away from it. 

  5. But if they don’t want to talk about it …

    Let them know they don’t need to explain. Silence, words, let them decide. Let them also know that when they reach out, they don’t need to know what to say. They don’t need to say anything at all. You can hold them, listen to them, watch a movie, go for a walk – no explanation needed. Finding the words can be so exhausting, especially when none of the words fit.

  6. It’s often not about one feeling.

    Pain is a shape-shifter and it often moves beyond words. There might not be one dominant feeling that drives the decision to self-harm. Fear, hopelessness, sadness, shame, anger – one of them, all of them, none of them. It can be driven by too many feelings pushing to come out. Or it can be nothing – a deadness, a numbness, hollow space and an emptiness that feels unbearable.

  7. No. They can’t remember how it felt last time.

    When feelings feel big, the ‘thinking, rational part of the brain is shut down. In that moment, logic and rationality won’t exist. The brain switches to survival mode and in that moment, self-harm feels like the only way to get through.

  8. They don’t do it to hurt you. Even though it does.

    Know that this isn’t about you. It’s about what’s happening for them. They don’t do it to punish you or to get your attention. The vast majority of people who self-harm keep it a secret. If they’ve told you, it’s because they trust you. They trust you to love them, fight for them and stick with them through it. Know how important you are.

  9. It’s something they do, not who they are.

    Don’t call them a ‘cutter’, or a ‘self-harmer’. It’s something they do, it’s not who they are. It’s a coping strategy. We all have them. None of us are defined by them.

  10. They don’t want to die.

    Self-harming behaviour rarely comes with thoughts of suicide. People who self-harm don’t want to die. They just want to stop the pain to stop.

  11. Don’t try to change them. They wish they could change too.

    They wish so much for things to be different, that the longing can feel unbearable. There is nothing you can say that will give them more of a need to change than what they are saying to themselves. Be the safe, secure person they can come to when it feels as though the rest of the world doesn’t understand. It’s paradoxical, but the more we fight who we are (or who somene else is), the more shame, hurt and anger is stirred. Let them invest their energy in healing, not in justifying, or having to be someone different front of you. Understand, accept and let them know that who they are is okay with you. Let them know that you love them because of who they are, not despite it.

  12. Ask what they need.

    Do they need you to stay? Go? Listen? Talk? Find a counsellor? They might not know what they need and that’s okay, but let them know you’re ready to hear it when they figure it out.

And finally …

The compulsion to inflict deliberate physical pain on the self is confusing for everyone – for the people who do it and for the people who love them. People who self-harm don’t want to be hurting themselves and they don’t want to be hurting you. They just want the pain to stop. We all have our ways of dealing with pain but sometimes, the pain can become too much to be put back to small enough. If someone you love is self-harming, know that you don’t have to fix anything. The healing is theirs and you can’t do it for them – as much as you would if you could. What you can do is be there. You might feel scared, frustrated and so confused at times and that’s okay. Self-harm is a frightening, frustrating, confusing thing. What’s important is that you’re there beside them as the gentle, loving, non-judgemental presence that we all need from time to time.

If you or someone you love is struggling with self-harm: For Extra Support – When Being Human Gets Tough.

[irp posts=”2375″ name=”Why do People Self-Harm? When Feeling Bad Means Feeling Better”]

[irp posts=”2373″ name=”To the Ones Who Are Self-Harming, Here’s What You Need to Know …”]

11 Comments

jajehe

my boyfriend has always had depression, he was institutionalized for a brief period before w meet, he’s always has small depressive episodes but never anything physical against himself, but the other day he just relapsed. I’ve never dealt with this before, I don’t know who to talk to, he won’t really talk to me, I don’t want to force him to either. But the reasons stem from deep trauma that I don’t even know the half of, he says he’s okay and hasn’t mentioned it since he texted me. I’m worried.

Reply
lucie

the person i love and care about the most, is self harming and i’m very close with his parents, he doesn’t want too tell anyone which i understand and will respect, but what if it gets too much and something even worse happens and i could’ve helped but he doesn’t want too talk about it and leave it, i can’t just leave it because i don’t want him to hurt himself even worse. i’m struggling with what to do. but this article has helped me understand without speaking to him about. thankyou

Reply
brittany

Absolutely beautifully written. I have read so much on this concept as a middle school teacher and this is, by far, the most powerful and poetically worded way of sharing how to help. I know that sounds silly, but reading “advice” that sounds medical blends together and makes you feel like you’ve done everything, now what? THIS article felt like I am in the mind of my student and FEELING what they need from me. Some of the lines I am planning on modifying and speaking back to them as strength and empathy. Some of the lines spoke to my own raw soul, “They trust you to love them and fight for them”. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Reply
Mary

Excellent article. My oldest used to self harm. She has been clean for 3 years. It was a horrific period when she was cutting. At one point, she had over 200 cuts and had to be hospitalized. It was heartbreaking. Thank you for this article.

Reply
Barbara Couturier

I disagree. I am a picker. I will pick at a scab or pimple knowing I will look worse, knowing it will bleed and scar. That this poor skin of mine is all I have got.
I know there is no control. Several times a day that same sore is going to hurt. I am not pretty never have been why do I make things worse ?

Reply
Kaitlin

Hi someone I love very much is hurting themselves with drugs. Everyday and I’ve tried everything to understand why and maybe get him to stop. But he doesn’t want to. He believes they’re helping him. I want to believe that’s what he thinks anyways. But I know it’s not. He’s changed since he started taking them and it worries me. We are almost to the point of splitting over it because I have my own depression and anxiety to combat and my own issues with self harm and mutilation so I am worried my own predisposition could worsen his depression. I really need advice from someone about this. Thank you.

Reply
Sebas

It’s okay to be concerned, the best thing you can do for them, is just remind them of the person they were before the substances. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s important to share the concerns in a way that makes all parties involved feel like the choice is theirs. Reminding them that they are not alone is one of the most important things you can do.

Reply
Debbie

Is skin picking (cuticles) or hair pulling the same thing as self harm? Have a dear friend just starting these habits and would love to know how to help her.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Debbie this is a great question. No, skin picking (dermatillomania) and hair pulling (trichotillomania) are not the same as self-harm. Self-harm is generally driven by emotional pain. Skin picking and hair pulling are generally driven by anxiety. Here is some information about skin picking http://www.skinpick.com/dermatillomania.

Here is some information about hair pulling http://www.arcvic.org.au/anxiety-disorders/trichotillomania.

The symptoms of skin picking and hair pulling will often intensify with the anxiety, so managing anxiety is important. Here is a link to the anxiety articles with information on how to do that https://www.heysigmund.com/category/being-human/anxiety/. Exercise and meditation are the big ones that can make a difference. They can change the structure and function of the brain in ways that strengthen it against anxiety. There is so much research around this and it’s continuing to grow.

I hope this helps. Your friend is really lucky to have you in her corner.

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

‘Brave’ doesn’t always feel like certain, or strong, or ready. In fact, it rarely does. That what makes it brave.♥️
.
.
#parenting #mindfulparenting #parentingtips
We teach our kids to respect adults and other children, and they should – respect is an important part of growing up to be a pretty great human. There’s something else though that’s even more important – teaching them to respect themselves first. 

We can’t stop difficult people coming into their lives. They might be teachers, coaches, peers, and eventually, colleagues, or perhaps people connected to the people who love them. What we can do though is give our kids independence of mind and permission to recognise that person and their behaviour as unacceptable to them. We can teach our kids that being kind and respectful doesn’t necessarily mean accepting someone’s behaviour, beliefs or influence. 

The kindness and respect we teach our children to show to others should never be used against them by those broken others who might do harm. We have to recognise as adults that the words and attitudes directed to our children can be just as damaging as anything physical. 

If the behaviour is from an adult, it’s up to us to guard our child’s safe space in the world even harder. That might be by withdrawing support for the adult, using our own voice with the adult to elevate our child’s, asking our child what they need and how we can help, helping them find their voice, withdrawing them from the environment. 

Of course there will be times our children do or say things that aren’t okay, but this never makes it okay for any adult in your child’s life to treat them in a way that leads them to feeling ‘less than’.

Sometimes the difficult person will be a peer. There is no ‘one certain way’ to deal with this. Sometimes it will involve mediation, role playing responses, clarifying the other child’s behaviour, asking for support from other adults in the environment, or letting go of the friendship.

Learning that it’s okay to let go of relationships is such an important part of full living. Too often we hold on to people who don’t deserve us. Not everyone who comes into our lives is meant to stay and if we can help our children start to think about this when they’re young, they’ll be so much more empowered and deliberate in their relationships when they’re older.♥️
When we are angry, there will always be another emotion underneath it. It is this way for all of us. 

Anger itself is a valid emotion so it’s important not to dismiss it. Emotion is e-motion - energy in motion. It has to find a way out, which is why telling an angry child to calm down or to keep their bodies still will only make things worse for them. They might comply, but their bodies will still be in a state of distress. 

Often, beneath an angry child is an anxious one needing our help. It’s the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. As with all emotions, anger has a job to do - to help us to safety through movement, or to recruit support, or to give us the physical resources to meet a need or to change something that needs changing. It doesn’t mean it does the job well, because an angry brain means the feeling brain has the baton, while the thinking brain sits out for a while. What it means is that there is a valid need there and this young person is doing their very best to meet it, given their available resources in the moment or their developmental stage. 

Children need the same thing we all need when we’re feeling fierce - to be seen,  heard, and supported; to find a way to get the energy out, either with words or movement. Not to be shut down or ‘fixed’. 

Our job isn’t to stop their anger, but to help them find ways to feel it and express it in ways that don’t do damage. This will take lots of experience, and lots of time - and that’s okay.♥️
The SCCR Online Conference 2021 is a wonderful initiative by @sccrcentre (Scottish Centre for Conflict Resolution) which will explore ’The Power of Reconnection’. I’ve been working with SCCR for many years. They do incredible work to build relationships between young people and the important adults around them, and I’m excited to be working with them again as part of this conference.

More than ever, relationships matter. They heal, provide a buffer against stress, and make the world feel a little softer and safer for our young people. Building meaningful connections can take time, and even the strongest relationships can feel the effects of disconnection from time to time. As part of this free webinar, I’ll be talking about the power of attachment relationships, and ways to build relationships with the children and teens in your life that protect, strengthen, and heal. 

The workshop will be on Monday 11 October at 7pm Brisbane, Australia time (10am Scotland time). The link to register is in my story.
There are many things that can send a nervous system into distress. These can include physiological (tired, hungry, unwell), sensory overload/ underload, real or perceived threat (anxiety), stressed resources (having to share, pay attention, learn new things, putting a lid on what they really think or want - the things that can send any of us to the end of ourselves).

Most of the time it’s developmental - the grown up brain is being built and still has a way to go. Like all beautiful, strong, important things, brains take time to build. The part of the brain that has a heavy hand in regulation launches into its big developmental window when kids are about 6 years old. It won’t be fully done developing until mid-late 20s. This is a great thing - it means we have a wide window of influence, and there is no hurry.

Like any building work, on the way to completion things will get messy sometimes - and that’s okay. It’s not a reflection of your young one and it’s not a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of a brain in the midst of a build. It’s wondrous and fascinating and frustrating and maddening - it’s all the things.

The messy times are part of their development, not glitches in it. They are how it’s meant to be. They are important opportunities for us to influence their growth. It’s just how it happens. We have to be careful not to judge our children or ourselves because of these messy times, or let the judgement of others fill the space where love, curiosity, and gentle guidance should be. For sure, some days this will be easy, and some days it will feel harder - like splitting an atom with an axe kind of hard.

Their growth will always be best nurtured in the calm, loving space beside us. It won’t happen through punishment, ever. Consequences have a place if they make sense and are delivered in a way that doesn’t shame or separate them from us, either physically or emotionally. The best ‘consequence’ is the conversation with you in a space that is held by your warm loving strong presence, in a way that makes it safe for both of you to be curious, explore options, and understand what happened.♥️
.
.
#mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #parenting

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This