Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

Posts Tagged: behaviour

14th June, 2017

With Kids

With Kids

 

The House Model – A Metaphor

A new way to think about anxiety, connection, self-regulation and relationships. 

 

 

 

How to Strengthen the Neural Foundations for LearningHow to Strengthen the Neural Foundations for Learning

The way to the learning brain isn’t always through the learning brain. How to create the optimal neural conditions for your child to learn.

 

 

Facebook LiveFacebook Live

We covered a lot of ground in this Facebook Live, including anxiety in kids, big feelings, sleep, tantrums, mindfulness, sibling fights … and more.  

 

 

 

Hand on Heart - A Powerful Way for Kids, Teens and Adults to Calm AnxietyHand on Heart

A powerful way for kids, teens and adults to calm anxiety.  

 

 

 

How to Help Kids & Teens Feel Calm When the World Feels Fragile

The conversations that can help your children and teens feel calmer, safer and braver during world trauma or a global crisis. 

 

 

A Proven Way to Propel Kids Forward

How to explain a growth mindset to children a way that will engage them, spark their curiosity, and nurture their growth.

 

 

Building Emotional IQ in Children with Emotion Bridging

Emotional IQ is vital to success and happiness. Emotion bridging is a powerful way to do this.

 

 

When Kids or Teens Fail, Fall or Stumble

Our response to failure or mistakes can build them or break them. Here’s how to do it in a way that helps them flourish. 

 

 

Building Creativity in Kids

As access to information has become easier, creativity – how information is used – has become the game-changer. Here’s how to nurture it in your kiddos.

 

 

The Remarkable Power of Play

Play is vital to the development of healthy, happy, thriving children. Here’s what all parents need to know.

 

 

Clinginess – How to Make it Work for Them (and You)

Understand why clinginess happens, and how to stop it from holding your child back. 

 

 

Stepping Back – A Technique to Build Emotional Intelligence

A simple, effective technique to build empathy in kids and teens, and to help them understand and manage big emotions.

 

 

A Proven Way to Deal With Maths Anxiety

Even if children are fully prepared and ready to shine in a maths exam, anxiety can lumber in and make a beast of itself – as only anxiety can do. New research has found a way to ease anxiety and improve performance, by changing the fear centres of the brain. 

 

 

Life as a Stepfamily – What You Need to Know to Make it Work

This simple but powerful step can make a difference to your stepfamily. https://wp.me/p5hkQx-i82

 

 

How to Help Kids & Teens Feel Calm When the World Feels Fragile

The conversations that can help your children and teens feel calmer, safer and braver during world trauma or a global crisis. 

 

 

When Children Lie - How to Respond and Build Honesty
2nd June, 2016

When Children Lie – How to Respond and Build Honesty

All kids (and all adults for that matter) will at times find themselves in a glorious mess, at the hands of their own wrongdoing. With kids and teens, lies will often feature in this mess, either as a cover-up or a cause. The way we respond can strengthen our connection and nurture their honesty, or it can breathe life into the learning that lying is a handy way to deal with trouble. 

















Hey Warrior - A book about anxiety in children.








Hey Sigmund on Instagram

The need to feel safe is primal. We’re wired to The need to feel safe is primal. We’re wired to fight or flee anything that presents itself as a threat - and shame, punishment, judgement, exclusion, humiliation all count as threat, even if they come with loads of love.
.
When our kids or teens mess up - which they will, because they’re humans not robots - the way we respond can open them up to our influence or shut them down to it. It can expand the fight and the disconnection, or it can shrink it. In time they will learn to be more in control of their urge for or flight, but for now, we will need to lead the way. (Of course, we are also human, and sometimes despite our biggest efforts to stay calm, we will step into the ring rather than wait for them to step out. We’re human. It’s going to happen. And that’s okay.)
.
If we want them to be open to our influence, we first need to calm their active amygdala (the seat of anxiety and big emotion) by sending the message that we aren’t a threat. We can do this by validating their feelings or the need behind their behaviour (if we know what that is).
.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with them, and it doesn’t mean approving of their behaviour. What it means is letting them know that we want to understand the world through their lens. ‘I can see you’re really upset about this.’ ‘It sounds as though you’re worried I’m going to get in your way. I can see this is important to you. I really want to understand. Can you talk to me about this?’
.
When we do this, it sends a message to the protective, powerful, emotional amygdala that it’s safe and that it can back down. This will start to switch off the need to fight us or flee (ignore) us and open them up to our influence, support, warmth and guidance.
.
It also doesn’t mean giving them a free pass on ‘unadorable’ behaviour. What it means is letting them know that we see them, and that we understand there is something important they need. When things are calm, they will be much more open to exploring their decisions, their behaviour, the consequences of that (including any consequences for them), and what they can do differently in the future.
⠀⠀

The need to feel safe is primal. We’re wired to fight or flee anything that presents itself as a threat - and shame, punishment, judgement, exclusion, humiliation all count as threat, even if they come with loads of love.
.
When our kids or teens mess up - which they will, because they’re humans not robots - the way we respond can open them up to our influence or shut them down to it. It can expand the fight and the disconnection, or it can shrink it. In time they will learn to be more in control of their urge for or flight, but for now, we will need to lead the way. (Of course, we are also human, and sometimes despite our biggest efforts to stay calm, we will step into the ring rather than wait for them to step out. We’re human. It’s going to happen. And that’s okay.)
.
If we want them to be open to our influence, we first need to calm their active amygdala (the seat of anxiety and big emotion) by sending the message that we aren’t a threat. We can do this by validating their feelings or the need behind their behaviour (if we know what that is).
.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with them, and it doesn’t mean approving of their behaviour. What it means is letting them know that we want to understand the world through their lens. ‘I can see you’re really upset about this.’ ‘It sounds as though you’re worried I’m going to get in your way. I can see this is important to you. I really want to understand. Can you talk to me about this?’
.
When we do this, it sends a message to the protective, powerful, emotional amygdala that it’s safe and that it can back down. This will start to switch off the need to fight us or flee (ignore) us and open them up to our influence, support, warmth and guidance.
.
It also doesn’t mean giving them a free pass on ‘unadorable’ behaviour. What it means is letting them know that we see them, and that we understand there is something important they need. When things are calm, they will be much more open to exploring their decisions, their behaviour, the consequences of that (including any consequences for them), and what they can do differently in the future.
⠀⠀
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