The Science of Gratitude – How it Changes People, Relationships (and Brains!) and How to Make it Work For You

The Science of Gratitude - How it Changes People, Relationships (and Brains!) and What You Need to Know to Make it Work

Gratitude – we’re all capable of it, but sometimes we need a little reminder, or a little convincing to practice it. There are many reasons to practice gratitude, but we are only recently discovering one of the big ones – its capacity to change and strengthen the brain in remarkably positive ways.

Gratitude is powerful. It might not throw itself at our feet and demand our attention in a ‘why oh why won’t you notice me’ kind of way, but it’s powerful. Research has shown that gratitude can improve general well-being, increase resilience, strengthen social relationships, and reduce stress and depression. The more grateful people are, the greater their overall well-being and life satisfaction. They’ll also have stronger immune systems, lower blood pressure, better sleeps (and better waking). They’ll be more alert and more generous, compassionate, and happier. Grateful people also have a greater capacity for joy and positive emotions.

Why is gratitude important? (And don’t say ‘because it changes your brain’. We knew it was important before we knew about that.)

Gratitude involves noticing the goodness in the world, but it doesn’t mean being blind to the tough stuff or the mess that can get all of us from time to time. Gratitude makes sure that in the midst of the things that serve up a good dose of negative feelings, we don’t lose sight of the good. Here are some of the ways gratitude turns up the volume on the feel-goods.

It strengthens our connections with people.

Gratitude is an acknowledgement that something meaningful has been done for us. It’s an open-hearted, deliberate recognition of the generosity of the giver. Of course, we can also be grateful for broader things that haven’t necessarily been ‘given’ to us by someone, such as our health, a safe place to sleep, or friendships. As with material things though, showing gratitude for the less tangible things in our lives stops us from being seen as ‘entitled’, or a ‘freeloader’, neither of which generally add shine to social relationships. 

It lets people know we aren’t the type to take things for granted.

There are two types of people. Those who wave thanks to people who let them in in traffic, and those who don’t. Each invite their own response from the world. Gratitude shows that we’re good to be in a relationship with, and that we appreciate certain things, without expecting them. 

It reinforces generous behaviour.

Gratitude reinforces generosity from the giver and from the receiver. When there is an open display of gratitude in our relationships, both people are more likely to repeat the giving, and the open-hearted receiving. The effect of this is not only from person to person, but can ripple into the world. 

‘Gratitude rewards generosity and maintains the cycle of healthy social behaviour’ – Antonia Damasia, Director of the BCI and Dornsife Neuroimaging Institute at Unversity of Southern California and professor of psychology and neurology.

It increases feelings of security and connectedness.

Gratitude helps us notice the good that comes from outside of ourselves. We see the good in the world and in the people around us, increasing our feelings of security and connectedness.

It keeps the feel-goods around for around for longer. 

Positive emotions tend to be like Teflon – they slide off us way too quickly. Gratitude lets us hang on to the positive for longer, and celebrate the good in our lives that we might otherwise move on too quickly from.

It squeezes out negative feelings.

It’s impossible to feel grateful and negative at the same time. The more space gratitude is allowed to take up, the more it will expand itself and make way for other positive emotions – connection, happiness, appreciation, joy. More good feelings means less room for the toxic ones.

It helps with depression.

Research has found that gratitude can help with depression and increase positive feelings. Enough said.

Gratitude – it’s more powerful with the things you do than the things you own (even if what you own is lovely).

Research has found that we tend to feel more grateful for experiences than for things we have. There doesn’t seem to be any clear reason for this, but one of the theories is that experiences are less likely to trigger social comparisons. While ‘things’ can seduce us into comparing what we have to what other people have, experiences are more likely to shift our focus to our own personal circumstances, and expand feelings of appreciation, happiness and contentment.

The science of gratitude. How does gratitude change the brain? 

When the brain feels gratitude, the parts of the brain that are activated include the ventral and dorsal medial pre-frontal cortex. These areas are involved in feelings of reward (the reward when stress is removed), morality, interpersonal bonding and positive social interactions, and the ability to understand what other people are thinking or feeling. 

Gratitude also has the capacity to increase important neurochemicals. When thinking shifts from negative to positive, there is a surging of feel-good chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. These all contribute to the feelings of closeness, connection and happiness that come with gratitude. 

But consistency is key.

Gratitude builds on itself. We know the brain changes with experience, so the more that gratitude is practised, the more the brain learns to tune in to the positive things in the world. This isn’t something that tends to come naturally. We humans have a negativity bias, which means that we’re wired to notice threats in the environment. This is a good thing – it’s kept us alive since the beginning of us – but as well as being alive we also want to be happy. When there is too much of a focus on the negative, gratitude can be a way to nurture a more positive focus, and teach the brain to spend more time on the feel-goods and less time hanging on to the things that scrape.

With the brain primed to notice the negatives, we need to not only teach it to tune into the positive, but also to hold those positives for long enough to have an effect. Our default position is to let the good slide off us fairly quickly, so we need to be deliberate about holding on to it for long enough to change the brain. Rick Hanson has done plenty of work in this area and has found that holding (focusing on) an experience for 20 seconds is long enough to create positive structural changes in the brainGratitude gives space for the positive experience to expand, or for us to ‘re-experience’ it, rather than having us move quickly move on from it.

Gratitude has the added power of initiating a social loop that has the potential to expand the good for everyone involved. The more gratitude we feel, the more we’ll act in a prosocial way towards others, which will encourage their feelings of gratitude which will make them more prosocial … and so goes a beautiful cycle of gratitude.

How do I practice gratitude?

There are plenty of ways to practice gratitude, but however it’s done, it’s important that it’s done with consistency and novelty. Our brains like novelty. They love it actually. They quickly adapt to anything that stays constant. This is why the joy we feel for things that have us swooning in the beginning, soon lose their shimmer. Our brains adapt and when they do, they go looking for the next special thing. Gratitude can change this. With gratitude, we’re constantly giving our brains something new and positive to focus on (provided we practice gratitude for different things, not the same thing). Being grateful for the same things every day, even if they are important and worthy of enormous gratitude, won’t have the same effect on the brain as finding something positive and new each time.

As for consistency, it sounds easy enough to practice gratitude consistently, but if negative feelings tend to cosy up to you to quickly, it might be more difficult than you expect. To work around this, start small. Things that take more effort will always seem further away and more difficult – that makes sense. The more difficult they are, the less likely you’ll be to see it through. Here are some other ways to practice.

  1. 3 things a day, for 21 days.

    For 21 days, write down three things that had happened in the previous 24 hours that you’re grateful for. They can be things in the world or things that have happened in yours, and they can be as big or as small as you want – the breeze on your skin when you walked, a warm bed to sleep in, coffee when you woke up. According to Harvard happiness researcher Shawn Achor, doing this for 21 days will train your brain to look at the world in a different way. It will start to scan the world for positives instead of for threats. It’s important that the things you find in the world to be grateful for are new and specific. So rather than, ‘I’m grateful for my friends’, try, ‘I’m grateful for Sally because of the way she made me laugh today.’

  2. Take a positive experience …

    Whether it’s a text you received, or catching up with someone you like, find a positive experience and spend two minutes writing down every detail about it. Write them in list form and do it for 21 days. According to Achor, as you remember positive experiences, your brain labels it as meaningful and the imprint in your brain deepens. The brain can’t tell the difference between an actual experience and a visualisation so calling on a positive experience after it’s happened doubles the feel-good in your brain. The idea is that after 21 days it will become a habit and it will change the way your brain looks at and receives the world.

  3. Write letters (it’s okay – you don’t have to send them).

    Spend 20 minutes a week writing a letter to someone you’re thankful for. Whether or not you send it is up to you. The effect of this stays for months after the initial exercise. Researchers described the changes in the brain as ‘profound’ and ‘long-lasting’. One of the changes were a greater sensitivity to gratitude. What this means is that noticing the good now makes it easier to notice the good later. The more good you notice, the happier you’ll be.It’s just the way it works, and practising gratitude is a simple way to work it. 

And finally …

Gratitude rewires our brain so we become more likely to focus on the positives in the world than the negatives. We’re not going to become ignorant of danger if we appreciate the positives for a little while but we will become more open to the good. Our brains will always seek the things that keep us safe, but we also need the things that nurture our happiness and emotional well-being. 

31 Comments

Ember W

I love this article!! I started posting on my instagram story each day, asking people to share a happy experience or something they were grateful for that day. It lifted me, but I also got responses that thanked me for posting a gratitude reminder. Gratitude really can do wonders. I’d love to look more into the topic, would you mind sharing the research cited? Thanks!!

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Yvonne

Hi Karen
I really enjoyed reading this article. I am currently studying positive psychology, this has given me a new perspective and some areas too research.
So Thank you very much.

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joel crasta

I needed this kind of article earlier but it is an amazing article by the way.
Gratitude is important and necessary in daily life and every successful person practices everyday.

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Natasha

Wow! Thank you for supporting the attitude of gratitude. It is a major key to happiness.

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Ivy

I believe in this wholeheartedly…. Sometimes when another seems so ungtrateful for things she has received from me I can see clearly the bitterness that is involved…… This has put a terrible stress on me….. But with small acts of gratitude I am able to still be whole and not too broken…….. Thank you for a timely reminder and a beautiful piece on gratitude. I am grateful to you for this….. I needed this!

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Kathryn Jane

I make a gratitude post on Facebook every single night before bed. Have done this for 4 or 5 years now, and it has changed my life.
Doing it on FB made me accountable to others, so it kept me going.
The cool thing is that there are dozens of people who look for my post now every day, and comment occasionally on how much they enjoy reading them.

I started doing this to get rid of the negatives that were keeping me awake at night. It put better things on my mind, and yes, I started seeing life differently. I’ve never looked back! It’s been life changing, and there have been some pretty black days I’ve survived because of my gratitude posts…. so yeah, I’m a believer!!!!!!

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Al

A timely read as I deal with a relationship where gratitude is so distant. I’m so sad and hurt but relieved by the goodness of others in this community you have created. Thank you. I will continue to keep sharing your work as the articles you write on anxiety have done wonders for me and I believe in the. It’s goodness spoken the more goodness will grow.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Al I wish I could take away your sadness, but I’m pleased you have found this community. I love the open-hearts and the warmth and wisdom of the people who visit and leave comments.

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Pam

I found a neat little thing to do for yourself and your friends that’s sort of fun but helps with the self-esteem in a big way sometimes.
This friend I used to have had a habit of saying she was sorry all the time and it just made me crazy because really, there was nothing to be sorry for usually. Finally one time I told her the next time I catch her saying that for no reason she had to stop what she was doing and tell me five things she liked about herself. It got quite hilarious too, especially at first because it’s really not easy to do that. The first few times she had to really stop and think and it was a struggle for her and then she would oh I’m sorry I can’t think of anything, and I’d nail her with another five, at one point she had something like 20 things to come up with before she started catching herself from being sorry. lol. But you know, the cool thing was that she went from struggling to find good things to say about herself, to being able to rattle them off quickly and so not only did she gain some self esteem, she also broke a habit that was aggravating the heck outta me. Try it sometime, it’s fun. Or even if you are alone, go stand in front of a mirror and try to do it, it’s a lot tougher than you’d think. Or look in the mirror and tell yourself you love you, wow, something that sounds so simple can be tough.

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Pam

When all the stiff started with my now ex husband, I was so totally devastated I just fell apart. I had crying spells that were so bad they made me sick and I felt just powerless to stop them. I just dreaded it after a while and I could feel the tears coming and that lost feeling and it was just not fun. Anyway, this happened to me one day and I couldn’t stop, and somewhere in my head I started trying to think of things to be grateful for, thinking back it seems sort of funny but I was grateful that no one was there to see these attacks, then I was grateful I had a nice stash of tissue paper, and a trash can to put them in and after a bit of that I realized I had stopped crying. So, yes, that was my proof and after that time it seemed like the melt downs got farther apart and they weren’t so intense and the roller coaster sort of smoothed out, not so abrupt anymore. And I can think now of all sorts of things and people to be grateful for. Good article again Karen.

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Glenda

My husband and I love this website. He suffers with anxiety. He said he wished he had read it years ago. It helped me understand what is going on in his head. Thank you for all you do.

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Renata Jachym

You have right gratitude is a powerful way to increase positive feelings and also calm anxious mind. For me it was when I first realised that God loves me and cares for me, like nobody ever did in my whole life, that I finally understood what gratitude is and all the benefits coming from it started to work for me dragging me out from anxiety and depression. Gratitude is really a great tool of change.

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Barbara Couturier

When I am scraping together enough courage to get out of bed, I remember that I have you !

I was so glad to read today’s post. I have been nasty lately, angry at the world. And there it is the answer it is almost as if you can feel me hurting.

I miss you.
Love
Barbara

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Daryl

A powerful lesson/reminder. The spiral down, is always easier than the climb up. Some people seem to take to gratitude easier, for others of us it takes a conscious effort and practice. It’s easy to be grateful for the obvious but when I get inundated with the tougher side of life it seems harder to appreciate the little things/people that make life better. I will practice harder.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Daryl I hear you! It isn’t always easy to practice gratitude and it seems to be hardest when we need to do it most. Keep practicing. Like all good habits it will get easier.

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Lara

Thank you.
I really appreciated the timing of this article, because I’ve been struggling with overcoming a recent trauma. Whilst there’s been many people trying to help me to stay safe from the person who caused the trauma to me, I still feel very sorry for that person, and I wish them to be a better person. I am grateful that I still believe in this person and their potential, despite the hurt that they put me through. I’m glad I’m still here.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

The compassion in you is so beautiful. There is a strength in you that comes with that. I’m pleased you’re still here too and I hope that the people who get close to you treat you with love and respect and in ways that feel safe for you.

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Dawn

Absolutely loved this article. Just the right balance of feel good advice, psychology and physiology to keep me interested and reading on.

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Natasha Daniels

I love this! Gratitude can be so powerful not only for us, but for the world. Thank you so much for highlighting this and sharing the benefits with others ?❤️? Great work you do 🙂

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Sally

This article on gratitude is much appreciated especially the science behind the brain changes. I am putting the letters of gratitude in practice today. I very much needed to be reminded of how important gratitude is for daily explicit Details.

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There are lots of reasons we love people or places, and a big reason is that we love who we are when we’re with those people or in those places. It’s the same for our children.

Do they feel seen, important, fun, funny, joyful? Or do they feel annoying, intrusive, unimportant, stupid? Do they feel like someone who is valued and wanted? Or do they feel tolerated? Do they feel interesting, independent, capable? Or do they feel managed?

It’s so easy to fall into a space - and this can happen with the most loving, most wonderful parents - where we spend too much time telling them what to do, noticing the things they don’t do, ‘managing’ them, and not enough time playing or experiencing joy with them, valuing their contribution (even if we’ve had to stoke that a little), seeking out their opinions and ideas. 

We won’t get this right all the time, and that’s okay. This isn’t about perfection. It’s about what we do most and being deliberate when we can. It’s about seeing who they are, through what they do. It’s about taking time to enjoy them, laugh with them, play with them, so they can feel their capacity to bring joy. It’s about creating the conditions that make it easy for them to love the people they are when they are with us.♥️
This week I had the absolute joy of working with the staff of Launceston College, presenting two half-day workshops on neuroscience and brain development for children and adolescents. 

The teachers and staff at this school care so much about their students. The everyday moments young people have with their important adults matter so much. It’s through these moment to moment interactions that young people start to learn that they are important, believed in, wanted, that they belong, and when this happens, learning will too. It just will. 

This is what teachers do. They open young people up to their potential, to their capacity for learning and doing hard things. They grow humans. The work of a teacher will always go so far beyond content and curriculum. 

Thank you @launceston_college for having me. Your students are in strong and wonderful hands.♥️

Posted @withrepost • @launceston_college
#LC2022 #
Building brave and moving through anxiety are like lifting weights. The growth happens little by little. Sometimes this will be slow and clumsy. Sometimes it will feel big bold, certain, and beautiful. Sometimes undone, unhappened, frustrating. It all matters. 

There will be so many days where they will see the brave thing in front of them, and everything in them will want to move towards it but they’ll feel stuck - between wanting to and scared to.

This is the point of impasse. The desire and the resistance come face to face, locked in battle. On the outside this might look like frustration, big tears, big anger, the need to avoid or retreat (or in us, a need to retreat them), but inside the work to strengthen against anxiety is happening.

This isn’t the undoing of brave. It’s the building of it. In this precious space between the wanting and the fear, they’re doing battle. They’re doing the hard, imposing work of moving through anxiety. They’re experiencing the distress of anxiety, and the handling of it, all at once. They might not be handling it well, but as long as they’re in it, they’re handling it.

These moments matter so much. If this is all they do, then they’ve been brave today. They’ve had a necessary, important experience which has shown them that the discomfort of anxiety won’t hurt them. It will feel awful, but as long as they aren’t alone in it, it won’t break them. 

Next day, next week, next month they might handle that discomfort for a minute longer than last time. Next time, even longer. This isn’t the avoidance of brave. It’s the building of it. These are the weight lifting experiences that slowly and surely strengthen their resiliency muscles. These are the experiences that show them that the discomfort of anxiety is no reflection at all of how capable they are and how brave they can be. It’s discomfort. It’s not breakage.

These little steps are the necessary building blocks for the big ones. So, if they have handled the discomfort of anxiety today (it truly doesn’t matter how well), and if that discomfort happened as they were face to face with something important and meaningful and hard, let them know that they’ve built brave today.♥️
Anxiety is a valid, important, necessary way the brain recruits support in times of trouble. In actual times of danger, the support we give is vital. This might look like supporting avoidance, fighting for them, fleeing with them. BUT - when there is no danger, this ‘support’ can hold them back from brave, important, growthful things. It can get in the way of building resilience, self-belief, and the capacity for brave. All loving parents will do this sometimes. This isn’t the cause of anxiety. It’s the response to it. 

We love them so much, and as loving parents we all will, at some time or another,  find ourselves moving to protect them from dangers that aren’t there. These ‘dangers’ are the scary but safe things that trigger anxiety and the call for support, but which are safe. Often they are also growthful, brave, important. These include anything that’s safe but hard, unfamiliar, growthful, brave.

This is when the move towards brave might be in our hands. This might look like holding them lovingly in the discomfort of anxiety for a minute longer than last time, rather than supporting avoidance. It might look like trusting their capacity to cope with the discomfort of anxiety (and approaching hard, brave, growthful things) rather than protecting them from that discomfort. Knowing what to do when can be confusing and feel impossibly hard sometimes. When it does, ask:

‘Do I believe in them, or their anxiety?’
‘Am I aligning with their fear or their courage?’
‘What am I protecting them from - a real danger, or something brave and important?’

They don’t have to do the whole brave thing all at once. We can move them towards brave behaviour in tiny steps - by holding them in the discomfort of anxiety for a teeny bit longer each time. This will provide the the experience they need to recognise that they can handle the discomfort of anxiety.

This might bring big feelings or big behaviour, but you don’t need to fix their big feelings. They aren’t broken. Big feelings don’t hurt children. It’s being alone in big feelings that hurts. Let them feel you with them with statements of validation and confidence, ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can handle this.’♥️
We all do or say things we shouldn’t sometimes. This isn’t about breakage, it’s about being human. It’s about a brain that has registered ‘threat’, and a body that is getting ready to respond. 

‘Threat’ counts as anything that comes with any risk at all (real or perceived) of missing out on something important, separation from friends or you or their other important people, judgement, humiliation, failure, disappointment or disappointing their important people, unfairness or loss. It can also count as physical (sensory overload or underload, pain, exhaustion, hunger), or relational (not feeling seen or heard, not feeling valued, feeling replaced, not feeling welcome, feeling disconnected from you or someone important).

Young ones have the added force of nervous systems that haven’t got their full adult legs yet. When brains have a felt sense of threat, they will organise bodies for fight (this can look like tantrums, aggression, irritation, frustration), flight (can look like avoidance, ignoring, turning away) or freeze (can look like withdrawal, hiding, defiance, indifference, aloofness).

The behaviour is the smoke. The fire is a brain that needs to be brought back to a felt sense of safety. We can do this most powerfully through relationship and connection. Breathe, be with, validate (with or without words - if the words are annoying for them just feel what they feel so they can feel you with them). 

When their brains and bodies are back to calm, then the transformational chats can happen: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can I do to help next time?’ ‘What can you do?’ ‘You’re a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. How can you put this right? Do you need my help with that?’

Of course, sometimes our boundaries will create a collision that also sets nervous systems on fire. You don’t need to fix their big feelings. They aren’t broken. Stand behind the boundary, flag the behaviour (‘It’s not ok to … I know you know that’) and then shift the focus to relationship - (‘I’m right here’ or, ‘Okay I can hear you want space. I’m going to stay right over here until you feel better. I’m here when you’re ready.’)♥️

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