The Science of Gratitude – How it Changes People, Relationships (and Brains!) and How to Make it Work For You

The Science of Gratitude - How it Changes People, Relationships (and Brains!) and What You Need to Know to Make it Work

Gratitude – we’re all capable of it, but sometimes we need a little reminder, or a little convincing to practice it. There are many reasons to practice gratitude, but we are only recently discovering one of the big ones – its capacity to change and strengthen the brain in remarkably positive ways.

Gratitude is powerful. It might not throw itself at our feet and demand our attention in a ‘why oh why won’t you notice me’ kind of way, but it’s powerful. Research has shown that gratitude can improve general well-being, increase resilience, strengthen social relationships, and reduce stress and depression. The more grateful people are, the greater their overall well-being and life satisfaction. They’ll also have stronger immune systems, lower blood pressure, better sleeps (and better waking). They’ll be more alert and more generous, compassionate, and happier. Grateful people also have a greater capacity for joy and positive emotions.

Why is gratitude important? (And don’t say ‘because it changes your brain’. We knew it was important before we knew about that.)

Gratitude involves noticing the goodness in the world, but it doesn’t mean being blind to the tough stuff or the mess that can get all of us from time to time. Gratitude makes sure that in the midst of the things that serve up a good dose of negative feelings, we don’t lose sight of the good. Here are some of the ways gratitude turns up the volume on the feel-goods.

It strengthens our connections with people.

Gratitude is an acknowledgement that something meaningful has been done for us. It’s an open-hearted, deliberate recognition of the generosity of the giver. Of course, we can also be grateful for broader things that haven’t necessarily been ‘given’ to us by someone, such as our health, a safe place to sleep, or friendships. As with material things though, showing gratitude for the less tangible things in our lives stops us from being seen as ‘entitled’, or a ‘freeloader’, neither of which generally add shine to social relationships. 

It lets people know we aren’t the type to take things for granted.

There are two types of people. Those who wave thanks to people who let them in in traffic, and those who don’t. Each invite their own response from the world. Gratitude shows that we’re good to be in a relationship with, and that we appreciate certain things, without expecting them. 

It reinforces generous behaviour.

Gratitude reinforces generosity from the giver and from the receiver. When there is an open display of gratitude in our relationships, both people are more likely to repeat the giving, and the open-hearted receiving. The effect of this is not only from person to person, but can ripple into the world. 

‘Gratitude rewards generosity and maintains the cycle of healthy social behaviour’ – Antonia Damasia, Director of the BCI and Dornsife Neuroimaging Institute at Unversity of Southern California and professor of psychology and neurology.

It increases feelings of security and connectedness.

Gratitude helps us notice the good that comes from outside of ourselves. We see the good in the world and in the people around us, increasing our feelings of security and connectedness.

It keeps the feel-goods around for around for longer. 

Positive emotions tend to be like Teflon – they slide off us way too quickly. Gratitude lets us hang on to the positive for longer, and celebrate the good in our lives that we might otherwise move on too quickly from.

It squeezes out negative feelings.

It’s impossible to feel grateful and negative at the same time. The more space gratitude is allowed to take up, the more it will expand itself and make way for other positive emotions – connection, happiness, appreciation, joy. More good feelings means less room for the toxic ones.

It helps with depression.

Research has found that gratitude can help with depression and increase positive feelings. Enough said.

Gratitude – it’s more powerful with the things you do than the things you own (even if what you own is lovely).

Research has found that we tend to feel more grateful for experiences than for things we have. There doesn’t seem to be any clear reason for this, but one of the theories is that experiences are less likely to trigger social comparisons. While ‘things’ can seduce us into comparing what we have to what other people have, experiences are more likely to shift our focus to our own personal circumstances, and expand feelings of appreciation, happiness and contentment.

The science of gratitude. How does gratitude change the brain? 

When the brain feels gratitude, the parts of the brain that are activated include the ventral and dorsal medial pre-frontal cortex. These areas are involved in feelings of reward (the reward when stress is removed), morality, interpersonal bonding and positive social interactions, and the ability to understand what other people are thinking or feeling. 

Gratitude also has the capacity to increase important neurochemicals. When thinking shifts from negative to positive, there is a surging of feel-good chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. These all contribute to the feelings of closeness, connection and happiness that come with gratitude. 

But consistency is key.

Gratitude builds on itself. We know the brain changes with experience, so the more that gratitude is practised, the more the brain learns to tune in to the positive things in the world. This isn’t something that tends to come naturally. We humans have a negativity bias, which means that we’re wired to notice threats in the environment. This is a good thing – it’s kept us alive since the beginning of us – but as well as being alive we also want to be happy. When there is too much of a focus on the negative, gratitude can be a way to nurture a more positive focus, and teach the brain to spend more time on the feel-goods and less time hanging on to the things that scrape.

With the brain primed to notice the negatives, we need to not only teach it to tune into the positive, but also to hold those positives for long enough to have an effect. Our default position is to let the good slide off us fairly quickly, so we need to be deliberate about holding on to it for long enough to change the brain. Rick Hanson has done plenty of work in this area and has found that holding (focusing on) an experience for 20 seconds is long enough to create positive structural changes in the brainGratitude gives space for the positive experience to expand, or for us to ‘re-experience’ it, rather than having us move quickly move on from it.

Gratitude has the added power of initiating a social loop that has the potential to expand the good for everyone involved. The more gratitude we feel, the more we’ll act in a prosocial way towards others, which will encourage their feelings of gratitude which will make them more prosocial … and so goes a beautiful cycle of gratitude.

How do I practice gratitude?

There are plenty of ways to practice gratitude, but however it’s done, it’s important that it’s done with consistency and novelty. Our brains like novelty. They love it actually. They quickly adapt to anything that stays constant. This is why the joy we feel for things that have us swooning in the beginning, soon lose their shimmer. Our brains adapt and when they do, they go looking for the next special thing. Gratitude can change this. With gratitude, we’re constantly giving our brains something new and positive to focus on (provided we practice gratitude for different things, not the same thing). Being grateful for the same things every day, even if they are important and worthy of enormous gratitude, won’t have the same effect on the brain as finding something positive and new each time.

As for consistency, it sounds easy enough to practice gratitude consistently, but if negative feelings tend to cosy up to you to quickly, it might be more difficult than you expect. To work around this, start small. Things that take more effort will always seem further away and more difficult – that makes sense. The more difficult they are, the less likely you’ll be to see it through. Here are some other ways to practice.

  1. 3 things a day, for 21 days.

    For 21 days, write down three things that had happened in the previous 24 hours that you’re grateful for. They can be things in the world or things that have happened in yours, and they can be as big or as small as you want – the breeze on your skin when you walked, a warm bed to sleep in, coffee when you woke up. According to Harvard happiness researcher Shawn Achor, doing this for 21 days will train your brain to look at the world in a different way. It will start to scan the world for positives instead of for threats. It’s important that the things you find in the world to be grateful for are new and specific. So rather than, ‘I’m grateful for my friends’, try, ‘I’m grateful for Sally because of the way she made me laugh today.’

  2. Take a positive experience …

    Whether it’s a text you received, or catching up with someone you like, find a positive experience and spend two minutes writing down every detail about it. Write them in list form and do it for 21 days. According to Achor, as you remember positive experiences, your brain labels it as meaningful and the imprint in your brain deepens. The brain can’t tell the difference between an actual experience and a visualisation so calling on a positive experience after it’s happened doubles the feel-good in your brain. The idea is that after 21 days it will become a habit and it will change the way your brain looks at and receives the world.

  3. Write letters (it’s okay – you don’t have to send them).

    Spend 20 minutes a week writing a letter to someone you’re thankful for. Whether or not you send it is up to you. The effect of this stays for months after the initial exercise. Researchers described the changes in the brain as ‘profound’ and ‘long-lasting’. One of the changes were a greater sensitivity to gratitude. What this means is that noticing the good now makes it easier to notice the good later. The more good you notice, the happier you’ll be.It’s just the way it works, and practising gratitude is a simple way to work it. 

And finally …

Gratitude rewires our brain so we become more likely to focus on the positives in the world than the negatives. We’re not going to become ignorant of danger if we appreciate the positives for a little while but we will become more open to the good. Our brains will always seek the things that keep us safe, but we also need the things that nurture our happiness and emotional well-being. 

31 Comments

Ember W

I love this article!! I started posting on my instagram story each day, asking people to share a happy experience or something they were grateful for that day. It lifted me, but I also got responses that thanked me for posting a gratitude reminder. Gratitude really can do wonders. I’d love to look more into the topic, would you mind sharing the research cited? Thanks!!

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Yvonne

Hi Karen
I really enjoyed reading this article. I am currently studying positive psychology, this has given me a new perspective and some areas too research.
So Thank you very much.

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joel crasta

I needed this kind of article earlier but it is an amazing article by the way.
Gratitude is important and necessary in daily life and every successful person practices everyday.

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Natasha

Wow! Thank you for supporting the attitude of gratitude. It is a major key to happiness.

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Ivy

I believe in this wholeheartedly…. Sometimes when another seems so ungtrateful for things she has received from me I can see clearly the bitterness that is involved…… This has put a terrible stress on me….. But with small acts of gratitude I am able to still be whole and not too broken…….. Thank you for a timely reminder and a beautiful piece on gratitude. I am grateful to you for this….. I needed this!

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Kathryn Jane

I make a gratitude post on Facebook every single night before bed. Have done this for 4 or 5 years now, and it has changed my life.
Doing it on FB made me accountable to others, so it kept me going.
The cool thing is that there are dozens of people who look for my post now every day, and comment occasionally on how much they enjoy reading them.

I started doing this to get rid of the negatives that were keeping me awake at night. It put better things on my mind, and yes, I started seeing life differently. I’ve never looked back! It’s been life changing, and there have been some pretty black days I’ve survived because of my gratitude posts…. so yeah, I’m a believer!!!!!!

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Al

A timely read as I deal with a relationship where gratitude is so distant. I’m so sad and hurt but relieved by the goodness of others in this community you have created. Thank you. I will continue to keep sharing your work as the articles you write on anxiety have done wonders for me and I believe in the. It’s goodness spoken the more goodness will grow.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Al I wish I could take away your sadness, but I’m pleased you have found this community. I love the open-hearts and the warmth and wisdom of the people who visit and leave comments.

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Pam

I found a neat little thing to do for yourself and your friends that’s sort of fun but helps with the self-esteem in a big way sometimes.
This friend I used to have had a habit of saying she was sorry all the time and it just made me crazy because really, there was nothing to be sorry for usually. Finally one time I told her the next time I catch her saying that for no reason she had to stop what she was doing and tell me five things she liked about herself. It got quite hilarious too, especially at first because it’s really not easy to do that. The first few times she had to really stop and think and it was a struggle for her and then she would oh I’m sorry I can’t think of anything, and I’d nail her with another five, at one point she had something like 20 things to come up with before she started catching herself from being sorry. lol. But you know, the cool thing was that she went from struggling to find good things to say about herself, to being able to rattle them off quickly and so not only did she gain some self esteem, she also broke a habit that was aggravating the heck outta me. Try it sometime, it’s fun. Or even if you are alone, go stand in front of a mirror and try to do it, it’s a lot tougher than you’d think. Or look in the mirror and tell yourself you love you, wow, something that sounds so simple can be tough.

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Pam

When all the stiff started with my now ex husband, I was so totally devastated I just fell apart. I had crying spells that were so bad they made me sick and I felt just powerless to stop them. I just dreaded it after a while and I could feel the tears coming and that lost feeling and it was just not fun. Anyway, this happened to me one day and I couldn’t stop, and somewhere in my head I started trying to think of things to be grateful for, thinking back it seems sort of funny but I was grateful that no one was there to see these attacks, then I was grateful I had a nice stash of tissue paper, and a trash can to put them in and after a bit of that I realized I had stopped crying. So, yes, that was my proof and after that time it seemed like the melt downs got farther apart and they weren’t so intense and the roller coaster sort of smoothed out, not so abrupt anymore. And I can think now of all sorts of things and people to be grateful for. Good article again Karen.

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Glenda

My husband and I love this website. He suffers with anxiety. He said he wished he had read it years ago. It helped me understand what is going on in his head. Thank you for all you do.

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Renata Jachym

You have right gratitude is a powerful way to increase positive feelings and also calm anxious mind. For me it was when I first realised that God loves me and cares for me, like nobody ever did in my whole life, that I finally understood what gratitude is and all the benefits coming from it started to work for me dragging me out from anxiety and depression. Gratitude is really a great tool of change.

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Barbara Couturier

When I am scraping together enough courage to get out of bed, I remember that I have you !

I was so glad to read today’s post. I have been nasty lately, angry at the world. And there it is the answer it is almost as if you can feel me hurting.

I miss you.
Love
Barbara

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Daryl

A powerful lesson/reminder. The spiral down, is always easier than the climb up. Some people seem to take to gratitude easier, for others of us it takes a conscious effort and practice. It’s easy to be grateful for the obvious but when I get inundated with the tougher side of life it seems harder to appreciate the little things/people that make life better. I will practice harder.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Daryl I hear you! It isn’t always easy to practice gratitude and it seems to be hardest when we need to do it most. Keep practicing. Like all good habits it will get easier.

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Lara

Thank you.
I really appreciated the timing of this article, because I’ve been struggling with overcoming a recent trauma. Whilst there’s been many people trying to help me to stay safe from the person who caused the trauma to me, I still feel very sorry for that person, and I wish them to be a better person. I am grateful that I still believe in this person and their potential, despite the hurt that they put me through. I’m glad I’m still here.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

The compassion in you is so beautiful. There is a strength in you that comes with that. I’m pleased you’re still here too and I hope that the people who get close to you treat you with love and respect and in ways that feel safe for you.

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Dawn

Absolutely loved this article. Just the right balance of feel good advice, psychology and physiology to keep me interested and reading on.

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Natasha Daniels

I love this! Gratitude can be so powerful not only for us, but for the world. Thank you so much for highlighting this and sharing the benefits with others ?❤️? Great work you do 🙂

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Sally

This article on gratitude is much appreciated especially the science behind the brain changes. I am putting the letters of gratitude in practice today. I very much needed to be reminded of how important gratitude is for daily explicit Details.

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Big feelings, and the big behaviour that comes from big feelings, are a sign of a distressed nervous system. Think of this like a burning building. The behaviour is the smoke. The fire is a distressed nervous system. It’s so tempting to respond directly to the behaviour (the smoke), but by doing this, we ignore the fire. Their behaviour and feelings in that moment are a call for support - for us to help that distressed brain and body find the way home. 

The most powerful language for any nervous system is another nervous system. They will catch our distress (as we will catch theirs) but they will also catch our calm. It can be tempting to move them to independence on this too quickly, but it just doesn’t work this way. Children can only learn to self-regulate with lots (and lots and lots) of experience co-regulating. 

This isn’t something that can be taught. It’s something that has to be experienced over and over. It’s like so many things - driving a car, playing the piano - we can talk all we want about ‘how’ but it’s not until we ‘do’ over and over that we get better at it. 

Self-regulation works the same way. It’s not until children have repeated experiences with an adult bringing them back to calm, that they develop the neural pathways to come back to calm on their own. 

An important part of this is making sure we are guiding that nervous system with tender, gentle hands and a steady heart. This is where our own self-regulation becomes important. Our nervous systems speak to each other every moment of every day. When our children or teens are distressed, we will start to feel that distress. It becomes a loop. We feel what they feel, they feel what we feel. Our own capacity to self-regulate is the circuit breaker. 

This can be so tough, but it can happen in microbreaks. A few strong steady breaths can calm our own nervous system, which we can then use to calm theirs. Breathe, and be with. It’s that simple, but so tough to do some days. When they come back to calm, then have those transformational chats - What happened? What can make it easier next time?

Who you are in the moment will always be more important than what you do.
How we are with them, when they are their everyday selves and when they aren’t so adorable, will build their view of three things: the world, its people, and themselves. This will then inform how they respond to the world and how they build their very important space in it. 

Will it be a loving, warm, open-hearted space with lots of doors for them to throw open to the people and experiences that are right for them? Or will it be a space with solid, too high walls that close out too many of the people and experiences that would nourish them.

They will learn from what we do with them and to them, for better or worse. We don’t teach them that the world is safe for them to reach into - we show them. We don’t teach them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate. We show them. We don’t teach them that they matter, and that other people matter, and that their voices and their opinions matter. We show them. We don’t teach them that they are little joy mongers who light up the world. We show them. 

But we have to be radically kind with ourselves too. None of this is about perfection. Parenting is hard, and days will be hard, and on too many of those days we’ll be hard too. That’s okay. We’ll say things we shouldn’t say and do things we shouldn’t do. We’re human too. Let’s not put pressure on our kiddos to be perfect by pretending that we are. As long as we repair the ruptures as soon as we can, and bathe them in love and the warmth of us as much as we can, they will be okay.

This also isn’t about not having boundaries. We need to be the guardians of their world and show them where the edges are. But in the guarding of those boundaries we can be strong and loving, strong and gentle. We can love them, and redirect their behaviour.

It’s when we own our stuff(ups) and when we let them see us fall and rise with strength, integrity, and compassion, and when we hold them gently through the mess of it all, that they learn about humility, and vulnerability, and the importance of holding bruised hearts with tender hands. It’s not about perfection, it’s about consistency, and honesty, and the way we respond to them the most.♥️

#parenting #mindfulparenting
Anxiety and courage always exist together. It can be no other way. Anxiety is a call to courage. It means you're about to do something brave, so when there is one the other will be there too. Their courage might feel so small and be whisper quiet, but it will always be there and always ready to show up when they need it to.
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But courage doesn’t always feel like courage, and it won't always show itself as a readiness. Instead, it might show as a rising - from fear, from uncertainty, from anger. None of these mean an absence of courage. They are the making of space, and the opportunity for courage to rise.
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When the noise from anxiety is loud and obtuse, we’ll have to gently add our voices to usher their courage into the light. We can do this speaking of it and to it, and by shifting the focus from their anxiety to their brave. The one we focus on is ultimately what will become powerful. It will be the one we energise. Anxiety will already have their focus, so we’ll need to make sure their courage has ours.
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But we have to speak to their fear as well, in a way that makes space for it to be held and soothed, with strength. Their fear has an important job to do - to recruit the support of someone who can help them feel safe. Only when their fear has been heard will it rest and make way for their brave.
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What does this look like? Tell them their stories of brave, but acknowledge the fear that made it tough. Stories help them process their emotional experiences in a safe way. It brings word to the feelings and helps those big feelings make sense and find containment. ‘You were really worried about that exam weren’t you. You couldn’t get to sleep the night before. It was tough going to school but you got up, you got dressed, you ... and you did it. Then you ...’
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In the moment, speak to their brave by first acknowledging their need to flee (or fight), then tell them what you know to be true - ‘This feels scary for you doesn’t it. I know you want to run. It makes so much sense that you would want to do that. I also know you can do hard things. My darling, I know it with everything in me.’
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#positiveparenting #parenting #childanxiety #anxietyinchildren #mindfulpare
Separation anxiety has an important job to do - it’s designed to keep children safe by driving them to stay close to their important adults. Gosh it can feel brutal sometimes though.

Whenever there is separation from an attachment person there will be anxiety unless there are two things: attachment with another trusted, loving adult; and a felt sense of you holding on, even when you aren't beside them. Putting these in place will help soften anxiety.

As long as children are are in the loving care of a trusted adult, there's no need to avoid separation. We'll need to remind ourselves of this so we can hold on to ourselves when our own anxiety is rising in response to theirs. 

If separation is the problem, connection has to be the solution. The connection can be with any loving adult, but it's more than an adult being present. It needs an adult who, through their strong, warm, loving presence, shows the child their abundant intention to care for that child, and their joy in doing so. This can be helped along by showing that you trust the adult to love that child big in our absence. 'I know [important adult] loves you and is going to take such good care of you.'

To help your young one feel held on to by you, even in absence, let them know you'll be thinking of them and can't wait to see them. Bolster this by giving them something of yours to hold while you're gone - a scarf, a note - anything that will be felt as 'you'.

They know you are the one who makes sure their world is safe, so they’ll be looking to you for signs of safety: 'Do you think we'll be okay if we aren't together?' First, validate: 'You really want to stay with me, don't you. I wish I could stay with you too! It's hard being away from your special people isn't it.' Then, be their brave. Let it be big enough to wrap around them so they can rest in the safety and strength of it: 'I know you can do this, love. We can do hard things can't we.'

Part of growing up brave is learning that the presence of anxiety doesn't always mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means they are on the edge of brave - and being away from you for a while counts as brave.
Even the most loving, emotionally available adult might feel frustration, anger, helplessness or distress in response to a child’s big feelings. This is how it’s meant to work. 

Their distress (fight/flight) will raise distress in us. The purpose is to move us to protect or support or them, but of course it doesn’t always work this way. When their big feelings recruit ours it can drive us more to fight (anger, blame), or to flee (avoid, ignore, separate them from us) which can steal our capacity to support them. It will happen to all of us from time to time. 

Kids and teens can’t learn to manage big feelings on their own until they’ve done it plenty of times with a calm, loving adult. This is where co-regulation comes in. It helps build the vital neural pathways between big feelings and calm. They can’t build those pathways on their own. 

It’s like driving a car. We can tell them how to drive as much as we like, but ‘talking about’ won’t mean they’re ready to hit the road by themselves. Instead we sit with them in the front seat for hours, driving ‘with’ until they can do it on their own. Feelings are the same. We feel ‘with’, over and over, until they can do it on their own. 

What can help is pausing for a moment to see the behaviour for what it is - a call for support. It’s NOT bad behaviour or bad parenting. It’s not that.

Our own feelings can give us a clue to what our children are feeling. It’s a normal, healthy, adaptive way for them to share an emotional load they weren’t meant to carry on their own. Self-regulation makes space for us to hold those feelings with them until those big feelings ease. 

Self-regulation can happen in micro moments. First, see the feelings or behaviour for what it is - a call for support. Then breathe. This will calm your nervous system, so you can calm theirs. In the same way we will catch their distress, they will also catch ours - but they can also catch our calm. Breathe, validate, and be ‘with’. And you don’t need to do more than that.

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