The Sex Talk. The New Research Every Parent Needs to Know.

The Sex Talk: The New Research That Every Parent Needs to Know

When it comes to our kids, there are the ‘firsts’ that love-bomb us every time we go there. They’re the ones that are easy to think about – the first time we laid eyes on them, their first word, their first day at school. Then there are the ones that are harder, but just as inevitable – their first broken heart, their first drink, the first time they have sex. These experiences are a very normal, healthy part of them growing into the amazing adults we know they will be. They are the firsts that will happen without us. 

Some of those things we won’t be able to prepare them for, such a broken heart. Nothing prepares you for that. When it happens, they’ll learn, they’ll grow, and they’ll find their way back from that broken heart even stronger and wiser than before. Just like we did.

Then there are the things that we have to prepare them for. Bad decisions can happen in a moment, that’s all it takes. That’s why it’s critical to empower them as much as we can, so that when those moments present themselves – which they will – they are well armed.

Drinking and sex are two of the big ones because of the potential for devastating fallout if they make a bad decision. We don’t want to scare them or strip the joy and excitement from their discovery, but we do need to empower them so that their experiences will be ones that build them, not ones that tear them down.

Control. Why we need to let go of it.

The cold hard truth is that we can’t control what they do. We can tell ourselves that we have control, but if they want to do something badly enough, they’ll find a way to do it. They’re smart, they’re resourceful and they’re creative. If we try too hard to control them, we’ll lose them.

What we can have is influence. We can have plenty and it’s vital for them that we strive for as much as possible, but that influence won’t come through control.

The Research – What You Need to Know.

Giving them the information they need is critical, and new research has found that when it comes to sex and drinking, the conversations also have to happen together. According to the research, the decisions our teens make about alcohol and their first sexual experience might make them vulnerable to future problems, such as sexual assault, so they need to realise the risks in mixing the two.

In the study involving 228 women between the ages of 18-20, researchers found that the average age women started drinking was 14. The average age they first had sexual intercourse was 16. 

When the first sexual experience involved alcohol it was most likely to be a hook-up, meaning that it was outside of a relationship, with a partner who was also using substances and after a social gathering involving alcohol.

Not surprisingly, first sexual experiences that involved alcohol were:

  • less planned;
  • less wanted; and
  • rated more negatively overall.

This was compared to those that didn’t involve alcohol. These generally took place within a romantic relationship and were more planned, more wanted and more positive.

Nearly 20% of the women in the group that were under the influence of alcohol when they first had sex reported that it was without their consent. These women were found to be three times more likely to be the victims of incapacitated rape in the future.

What does it mean for the way we talk to our teens?

Drinking and sex are important topics and are often talked about separately. We have the sex talk. And then the drinking talk.

What this study is telling us, is that at some point, these two conversations should happen together. We need to talk to our teens about the risks that are associated with having sex if they’ve been drinking. They need to know how alcohol will affect their capacity to make good decisions and to communicate those decisions clearly.

It’s important that they feel empowered when it comes to making decisions around sex, not scared or shamed or unsure. We want them to feel in control, strong and confident, and this will only come from conversation. Be open with the information, including the things they probably wouldn’t have thought about, so they can make strong, informed decisions that are good for them. There are a few ways to make this happen.

When you’re ready to have the chat …

  1. Establish your credibility.

    Without their trust, nothing we say will land on them. If they can see that you have an open mind about some things, they’ll be more likely to trust your judgement on the things you’re not so prepared to be open about. If you want to influence them about what not to do in relation to drinking and sex, they need to see that you’re open about what they can do. Decide on the things that are okay. Let them know that sex is a wonderful thing when the time is right, but only under certain conditions.

  2. Let nothing be off limits.

    Talk to them openly about sex and drinking and anything else they ask about. An open, curious mind is a wonderful thing. Encourage their curiosity, so they feel safe to come to you for information or guidance when they need it. If they ask a curly question that you don’t have the answer for, Google it with them. (A recent question in our house was how do ducks have sex (given their lack of visible hardware.) We Googled, and both learnt something new.)

  3. Don’t give them rules, give them information.

    The idea is to empower them, not control them, because they need to be able to make strong decisions on their own. Controlling them sends the message that we don’t trust their judgement or their capacity to make decisions and if we don’t trust them, they’ll have a harder time trusting themselves. This leaves them wide open for the one who comes along and tries to persuade them into making decisions that could hurt them.

  4. They need to claim their voice in every decision that affects them. 

    They need to know they have a say in every decision that affects them, otherwise they’ll be looking for someone else to lead at that critical moment. They’re experimenting with their view of the world and their place in it. Ask for their opinions, their ideas, what they want and why it’s important. Support that when you can, and when you can’t, have your good reasons ready to share with them.

  5. 2 yes for yes, 1 no for no.

    Let them know that sex can only be a good thing when both people want to be there. It takes two strong, clear ‘yes’s’ for the go ahead, and one ‘no’ or ‘not sure’ to stop. 

  6. What feels good or right for them is completely up to them.

    They need to be able to trust their judgement around what’s right for them so they don’t get talked out of it. One of the best things we can give them is trust in their own intuition. Every time we point out that they’ve made a good decision, we’re building that trust. Of course they’ll get it wrong sometimes, we all do – it’s part of growing up well – but when that happens, help them understand how they got to that decision and what would be a better one. 

  7. Other people will want different things for different reasons. And that’s okay.

    Difference is what makes humanity rich and wonderful. We want different things, we do different things, we think different things. Just because something is right for the one person, doesn’t mean it’s right for another. Teaching them to respect difference, particularly difference of opinion, will make it easier for them to hold firm and be okay with the times that they want something different to the person they’re with.  

  8. Sex is about feelings – and the emotional ones are the most important.

    Sex is as much an emotional experience as it is a physical one. It’s something to be enjoyed, but that won’t happen if they don’t feel emotionally connected to the person they’re thinking about having sex with. If there is any doubt, disconnection or pressure, sex won’t feel good and it will likely drive a ton of regret. Teach them to check in with what they’re feeling before they agree to have sex, and to be guided by that. It’s their intuition and it knows what’s best for them.

  9. Make sure it’s for the right reasons.

    Sex won’t deepen an emotional connection if there isn’t one to there to begin with. Talk them through the reasons sex can end in heartache. One of the big ones is when people have sex in the hope that it will make someone fall in love with them. Another is because of the fear around what will happen if they say no.

  1. Lift them.

    Let them know they’re amazing. So is their body, and they should only ever share it with people who agree. They’ll always be too good to share the best parts of themselves with idiots who can’t see the obvious.

And finally …

Adolescence is a time of discovery and there are some things they need to discover on their own. It’s how they grow. As the adults in their lives, it’s our job to give them whatever we can to help them spread those amazing wings of theirs to full wingspan and stay safe while they do it. Sometimes they’ll listen to what we have to say. Sometimes they won’t. We were the same. Hopefully they’ll take the important things, though they won’t always make their appreciation for your wisdom and experience obvious. What’s important is that we give them what we can – information, support, space and trust – to empower them to make strong decisions that will nourish them, lift them and build them.

2 Comments

Alison Fields

This article,”The Sex Talk”, I believe was inadequate. In recommending how we talk to our teen girls about sex and alcohol’s negative impact on their decision to have sex, you barely exposed the proverbial “tip of the iceberg” on this issue – leaving girl’s vulnerable to “ship wrecking their lives” by treating sex as a pleasure to be enjoyed without also discussing the other potential consequences if sex ( unwanted pregnancy, venerial diseases, emotional wellbeing, to name a few). No matter the precautions taken, an unwanted pregnancy is a devastating consequence to a female not prepared for this possible outcome of sex. Not to mention the growing # of diseases males and females are contracting and spreading because of merely treating sex as something to enjoy. The talk we need to have with our adolescent daughters (and sons) needs to include the responsibilities of choosing to have sex in addition to the negative role of alcohol in relation to their choice about having sex. I think your article should have mentioned that besides alcohol, ignorance of the real potential outcomes of sex should factor in to an individual’s decision to have it.

Reply
Hey Sigmund

Clearly there is a lot about sex that teens need to know, a lot of it before they are teens. They need to know the mechanics of sex, the parts of the body, why they have periods, the risks of an unplanned pregnancy, contraception etc. These are all important issues that need to be discussed, however this is not the scope of this article.

As indicated by the title, this article is a discussion of the new research that parents need to know that needs to happen as part of talking to teens about sex. The article is not intended to be a thorough guide. Not all of the information that teens need to know will be age appropriate at the same time. I would (and did) talk to a ten year old, say, about how how sex works, periods, the risks of unwanted pregnancy, and contraception. I would not talk to a ten year old about the heightened risks of having sex for the first time under the influence of alcohol, such as the risk of sexual assault or sex being a negative experience. The information has to be paced. Kids will be ready for different things at different times, though most likely not ready for everything at once. Parents are best placed to pace these conversations as they know their children better than anyone.

Giving kids the information they need to know about sex will happen over a number of conversations, starting simply and with age appropriate information. The focus of this article is the research that has found that at some point, one of those discussions about sex has to include a discussion about the risks of having sex under the influence of alcohol.

Sex is definitely something to be enjoyed and is a really important part of healthy relationships. Like everything though, it comes with its risks. The idea is to empower teens, not to scare them. Empowering them with good information will mean they can make informed choices that are good for them. Sex in itself isn’t scary, but making bad choices in relation to sex can be. The information has to be balanced, the positive and the negative, if we are expecting to have influence and credibility with our teens. If a teen has a question about sex, a relationship, or something their peers might be doing, they will be more likely to come to a parent who has shown themselves capable of talking about sex in a balanced, positive way.

I hope this addresses your concerns.

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One of our rituals was in the week before Christmas, we’d go shopping and each kiddo would choose a keepsake decoration for the tree. This would forever be their decoration. To make sure we’d remember who owned what (a year is a long time!) I wrote their name and year on the box. The idea is that when they leave home, they’ll have a collection of special decorations for their own tree, plump with throwbacks (‘Oh I remember when we bought this!).

Then of course there was Christmas morning. Santa would leave a note on the table and bootprints on the front path, which smelled remarkably like talcum powder. So magical the way the snow was under the boot and never melted, even in an Australian summer! But that’s the magic of Christmas, right?!

We often put so much pressure on ourselves to make Christmas magical. Rituals can make this easier. They get the special memories, you get to make the ‘magic’ without having to come up with something new and different each year.

It’s very likely that there will already be Christmas rituals happening in your family, even if you don’t realise it. Ask them what they remember most, or what they loved most about last Christmas, aside from the presents.

They might surprise you with things you’d completely forgotten about, or which at the time didn’t seem to be a biggie. It can be the simplest things. Maybe they loved the way they were allowed to have ice-cream with pancakes at breakfast last Christmas. (Ice-cream at breakfast?! Told you Christmas was magical!!). 

If it’s what they remember, and if it lights them up, let it become a ‘thing’. Maybe they loved the magic ‘neverending carrot’ sprinkles you put on the scrawny carrot you found in the vege drawer (remembering reindeer groceries can be so hard sometimes!)

You’d be surprised what they find special. It doesn’t have to be big to feel magical.

What are your Christmas rituals? Let’s share ideas in the comments.♥️
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Because sales are the best, and Christmas is the best, and helping kiddos find their brave is the very best of all! So, to celebrate the end of the year (because truly, it's been a year hasn't it), and to help you settle brave hearts for next year, or night times, or separations, or, you know, all the things, we're taking 25% off books and plushies in the Hey Sigmund shop.

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It can feel as though the only way to strengthen them against their anxiety is to make sure they have nothing to worry about, but when their worries are real this might not happen quickly. 

Instead, we need to focus on helping them know that even though those worries are there, they will be okay. ‘Not worrying’ isn’t the antidote to anxiety, trust is. This will start with trust in you and your belief that they will be okay, and trust in your reaction if things don’t go to plan. Eventually, as they grow this will expand into trust in themselves and their own capacity to find their way through challenges to a place of hope and strength. 
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Strong steady breathing will reverse the fight or flight physiology that causes nausea, butterflies, or sick or sore tummies during anxiety. BUT telling an anxious brain to take a strong steady breath will potentially make anxiety worse unless strong steady breathing feels familiar. Practising during calm times will make it familiar. 

During anxiety we’re dealing with their amygdala, and it wants short shallow breathing to conserve oxygen. It doesn’t want strong steady breathing and will work hard to resist this. 

An anxious brain is a busy brain and it will be less able to do anything unfamiliar. A few minutes of strong steady breathing each day will set up a strong neural pathway to make strong breathing more automatic and accessible during anxiety. 

In the meantime though, you can do it for them. This is the magic of co-regulation. When you do strong steady breathing during their anxiety, it will calm your nervous system which will eventually calm theirs. You will catch their anxiety, and this will feed into their anxiety. Your strong steady breathing is the circuit breaker. They will catch your anxiety, but they will also catch your calm. Don’t worry if this takes a few minutes (and maybe a few more after that). Anxious brains are strong, powerful, beautiful brains working hard to protect. Breathe and be with. This will open the way for that distressed young nervous system to find its way home. And you don’t need to do more than that.♥️
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Needs and behaviour can get tangled up and treated as one. When you can, separate the need from the behaviour. Give voice to the need - let it find a way to breathe - and redirect the behaviour. 

The need might always be clear, especially if it’s being smothered by angry shouting words. If we stifle the behaviour without acknowledging the need, the need stays hungry. Help usher it into the light by making it clear that you’re ready to receive it. Then wait. Wait for the big behaviour to ease, for bodies to calm, and angry voices to soften - but keep the way to you open. ‘You’re a great kid and I know you know that behaviour wasn’t okay. Talk to me about what’s happening for you.’

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