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by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher

[post-views] VIEWS

The Simple Way to Strengthen and Protect Your Relationship

The Simple Way to Strengthen and Protect Your Relationship

There is something quick and easy and powerful that could strengthen your relationship and help to protect it from turning into ash. It is something that can be done every day – many times during the day – and according to new research, it makes a remarkable difference to how your feel about your relationship, how committed you are to it and to how solid you believe it to be.

Okay – enough of the build-up … The most consistent and significant predictor of the quality of a marriage was the expression of gratitude between partners. Relationships wither when either person feels taken for granted. Actively noticing the things that your partner does for you and for the relationship keeps the connection alive and directly influences relationship satisfaction, commitment and beliefs around its staying power. 

A recent study found that expressing gratitude protects relationships from breakdown, and can also buffer them from the negative effects of conflict. As explained by Allen Barton, lead author and postdoctoral research associate at the University of Georgia,

‘It goes to show the power of ‘thank you’. Even if a couple is experiencing distress and difficulty in other areas, gratitude in the relationship can help promote positive marital outcomes.‘ – Allen Barton,  lead author and postdoctoral research associate, University of Georgia.

The way an issue is dealt with will needle away at the connection and generosity within a relationship at least as much as the issue itself. Arguments are a normal part of any relationship but when the fighting draws on irrelevant detail, or when there is criticism, nagging and berating on one side, and avoidance, defensiveness or the silent treatment on the other, it can weaken even the strongest relationship at its core.

Of course, the best way to protect a relationship against dirty fighting this is to not do it in the first place, but if the communication is struggling, actively appreciating each other softens the fallout. 

The effect of gratitude doesn’t only lie in the way it buffers against conflict, but also in the way it nourishes the relationship from within. We humans tend to be at our best when we feel connected to other humans, especially the ones we care about. Gratitude fuels this by nurturing positive feelings, closeness and a deeper connection. Emotional generosity within a relationship will always fuel more emotional generosity, provided of course that both people are healthy and capable of being warm, loving and appreciative.

In any relationship, intimate or otherwise, connection is key. We are all wired to seek it and we thrive when we have it. Actively appreciating and valuing the person you love and live with is powerful protection for any relationship, and has the proven capacity to put back what the daily stresses and struggles might otherwise take out. 

[irp posts=”981″ name=”Desire in Long Term Relationships: Keeping it and Finding it When It’s Gone.”]

[irp posts=”143″ name=”Relationships: The 6 Reasons People Leave (And How to Avoid It Happening To Yours)”]

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When terrible things happen, we want to make sense of things for our kids, but we can’t. Not in a way that feels like enough. Some things will never make any sense at all.

But here’s what you need to know: You don’t need to make sense of what’s happened to help them feel safe and held. We only need to make sense of how they feel about it - whatever that might be.

The research tells us so clearly that kids and teens are more likely to struggle after a tr@umatic event if they believe their response isn’t normal.

This is because they’ll be more likely to interpret their response as a deficiency or a sign of breakage.

Normalising their feelings also helps them feel woven into a humanity that is loving and kind and good, and who feels the same things they do when people are hurt.

‘How you feel makes sense to me. I feel that way too. I know we’ll get through this, and right now it’s okay to feel sad/ scared/ angry/ confused/ outraged. Talk to me whenever you want to and as much as you want to. There’s nothing you can feel or say that I can’t handle.’

And when they ask for answers that you don’t have (that none of us have) it’s always okay to say ‘I don’t know.’

When this happens, respond to the anxiety behind the question.

When we can’t give them certainty about the ‘why’, give them certainty that you’ll get them through this.

‘I don’t know why people do awful things. And I don’t need to know that to know we’ll get through this. There are so many people who are working hard to keep us safe so something like this doesn’t happen again, and I trust them.’

Remind them that they are held by many - the helpers at the time, the people working to make things safer.

We want them to know that they are woven in to a humanity that is good and kind and loving. Because however many people are ready to do the hurting, there always be far more who are ready to heal, help, and protect. This is the humanity they are part of, and the humanity they continue to build by being who they are.♥️

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Dec 16

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 18073437878348955
When terrible things happen, we want to make sense of things for our kids, but we can’t. Not in a way that feels like enough. Some things will never make any sense at all. But here’s what you need to know: You don’t need to make sense of what’s happened to help them feel safe and held. We only need to make sense of how they feel about it - whatever that might be. The research tells us so clearly that kids and teens are more likely to struggle after a tr@umatic event if they believe their response isn’t normal. This is because they’ll be more likely to interpret their response as a deficiency or a sign of breakage. Normalising their feelings also helps them feel woven into a humanity that is loving and kind and good, and who feels the same things they do when people are hurt. ‘How you feel makes sense to me. I feel that way too. I know we’ll get through this, and right now it’s okay to feel sad/ scared/ angry/ confused/ outraged. Talk to me whenever you want to and as much as you want to. There’s nothing you can feel or say that I can’t handle.’ And when they ask for answers that you don’t have (that none of us have) it’s always okay to say ‘I don’t know.’ When this happens, respond to the anxiety behind the question. When we can’t give them certainty about the ‘why’, give them certainty that you’ll get them through this. ‘I don’t know why people do awful things. And I don’t need to know that to know we’ll get through this. There are so many people who are working hard to keep us safe so something like this doesn’t happen again, and I trust them.’ Remind them that they are held by many - the helpers at the time, the people working to make things safer. We want them to know that they are woven in to a humanity that is good and kind and loving. Because however many people are ready to do the hurting, there always be far more who are ready to heal, help, and protect. This is the humanity they are part of, and the humanity they continue to build by being who they are.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

It’s the simple things that are everything. We know play, conversation, micro-connections, predictability, and having a responsive reliable relationship with at least one loving adult, can make the most profound difference in buffering and absorbing the sharp edges of the world. Not all children will get this at home. Many are receiving it from childcare or school. It all matters - so much.

But simple isn’t always easy.

Even for children from safe, loving, homes with engaged, loving parent/s there is so much now that can swallow our kids whole if we let it - the unsafe corners of the internet; screen time that intrudes on play, connection, stillness, sleep, and joy; social media that force feeds unsafe ideas of ‘normal’, and algorithms that hijack the way they see the world.

They don’t need us to be perfect. They just need us to be enough. Enough to balance what they’re getting fed when they aren’t with us. Enough talking to them, playing with them, laughing with them, noticing them, enjoying them, loving and leading them. Not all the time. Just enough of the time.

But first, we might have to actively protect the time when screens, social media, and the internet are out of their reach. Sometimes we’ll need to do this even when they fight hard against it.

We don’t need them to agree with us. We just need to hear their anger or upset when we change what they’ve become used to. ‘I know you don’t want this and I know you’re angry at me for reducing your screen time. And it’s happening. You can be annoyed, and we’re still [putting phones and iPads in the basket from 5pm] (or whatever your new rules are).’♥️

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Nov 23

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 18080770460136641
It’s the simple things that are everything. We know play, conversation, micro-connections, predictability, and having a responsive reliable relationship with at least one loving adult, can make the most profound difference in buffering and absorbing the sharp edges of the world. Not all children will get this at home. Many are receiving it from childcare or school. It all matters - so much. But simple isn’t always easy. Even for children from safe, loving, homes with engaged, loving parent/s there is so much now that can swallow our kids whole if we let it - the unsafe corners of the internet; screen time that intrudes on play, connection, stillness, sleep, and joy; social media that force feeds unsafe ideas of ‘normal’, and algorithms that hijack the way they see the world. They don’t need us to be perfect. They just need us to be enough. Enough to balance what they’re getting fed when they aren’t with us. Enough talking to them, playing with them, laughing with them, noticing them, enjoying them, loving and leading them. Not all the time. Just enough of the time. But first, we might have to actively protect the time when screens, social media, and the internet are out of their reach. Sometimes we’ll need to do this even when they fight hard against it. We don’t need them to agree with us. We just need to hear their anger or upset when we change what they’ve become used to. ‘I know you don’t want this and I know you’re angry at me for reducing your screen time. And it’s happening. You can be annoyed, and we’re still [putting phones and iPads in the basket from 5pm] (or whatever your new rules are).’♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

What if schools could see every ‘difficult’ child as a child who feels unsafe? Everything would change. Everything.♥️

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Nov 17

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 18083773586094765
What if schools could see every ‘difficult’ child as a child who feels unsafe? Everything would change. Everything.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Consequences are about repair and restoration, and putting things right. ‘You are such a great kid. I know you would never be mean on purpose but here we are. What happened? Can you help me understand? What might you do differently next time you feel like this? How can we put this right? Do you need my help with that?’

Punishment and consequences that don’t make sense teach kids to steer around us, not how to steer themselves. We can’t guide them if they are too scared of the fallout to turn towards us when things get messy.♥️

View Instagram post by karenyoung_heysigmund

Oct 22

Open post by karenyoung_heysigmund with ID 18077374403118466
Consequences are about repair and restoration, and putting things right. ‘You are such a great kid. I know you would never be mean on purpose but here we are. What happened? Can you help me understand? What might you do differently next time you feel like this? How can we put this right? Do you need my help with that?’ Punishment and consequences that don’t make sense teach kids to steer around us, not how to steer themselves. We can’t guide them if they are too scared of the fallout to turn towards us when things get messy.♥️

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