The Simple Activity That Wards Off Separation & Divorce

It’s fun. It’s easy. It’s cheaper than relationship therapy and it can put the handbrake on the downward slide to arguing over the tangerine armchair that you only started wanting when he wanted it too.

In a comparison with other more intense relationship training, this simple activity has proven to be a surprisingly effective way to keep a relationship firing.

Research has shown that watching a movie centred around an intimate relationship, and chatting about it together afterwards, is at least as effective as couples therapy and training in fending off separation and divorce. (Interested? Keep reading for the list of suggested list of movies.)


What They Did:

The study randomly assigned 174 couples to one of three groups:

  • Conflict Management:

    Couples were taught how to discuss heated issues and channel the focus on what is being said, rather than on formulating a response.

  • Compassion and Acceptance Training:

    Through a series of lectures and exercises, couples were encouraged to: work together as a team, approach their relationship with greater empathy and compassion, practice random acts of kindness and affection, and use language that communicated acceptance.

  • Movie and Chat: 

    Couples attended a 10 minute lecture about how watching other couples in movies could highlight both the healthy and destructive behaviours in their own relationships. They then watched and discussed movies which centred around an intimate relationship.

What They Found:

The groups were compared three years later and all had a similar divorce and separation rate of 11%.

This was compared to a rate of 24% for a group of similar couples who received no training or instruction.


Watching relationship movies together and chatting about them afterwards is just as effective in preserving a relationship as more intensive programs.

What makes a movie and a chat so special?

As explained by Ronald Rogge, Associate Professor of Psychology at UCLA,

‘I think it’s the couples reinvesting in their relationship and taking a cold hard look at their own behavior that makes the difference. The sad truth is that when life knocks you down, you come home and the people you are most likely to lash out at in frustration are the ones you love the most.

For these couples to stop and look and say, ‘You know, I have yelled at you like that before. I have called you names before and that’s not what I want to do to the person I love the most.’ Just that insight alone, is likely what makes this intervention work.’

Rogge adds,

‘You might not be able to get your husband into a couples group, especially when you are happy, but watching a movie together and having a discussion, that’s not so scary. It’s less pathologising, less stigmatising.’

Although the research looked at couples in the early stages of marriage, finding an innocuous, easy way to look at the relationship is going to be good for any couple at any stage of their relationship.

In any relationship, having focused time with each other, free from the distraction of work, children, dishes, dinner will be sustenance for any relationship.

As Rogge notes, ‘The results suggest that husbands and wives have a pretty good sense of what they might be doing right and wrong in their relationships. Thus, you might not need to teach them a whole lot of skills to cut the divorce rate. You might just need to get them to think about how they are currently behaving. And for five movies to give us a benefit over three years – that is awesome.’

Keen to try? Click here for the list of movies and discussions questions used in the study.

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The point of any ‘discipline’ is to teach, not to punish. (‘Disciple’ means student, follower, learner.)

Children don’t learn through punishment. They comply through punishment, but the mechanism is control and fear. 

The problem with this, is that the goal becomes avoiding us when things go wrong, rather than seeking us out. We can’t influence them if we’ve taught them to keep their messes hidden from us. 

We can’t guide our kiddos if they aren’t open to us, and they won’t be open to us if they are scared of what we will do. 

We all have an instinctive need to stay relationally safe. This means feeling free from rejection, shame, humiliation. The problem with traditional discipline is that it rejects and judges the child, rather than the behaviour. 

Hold them close, reject their behaviour. 

This makes it more likely that they will turn toward us instead of away from us. It opens the way for us to guide, lead, teach. It makes it safe for them to turn and face what’s happened so they can learn what they might do differently in the future.

Rather than, ‘How do I scare them out of bad behaviour?’ try, ‘How do I help them to do better next time?’ 

Is the way you respond to their messy decisions or behaviour more likely to drive them away from you in critical times or towards you? Let it be towards you.

This doesn’t mean giving a free pass on big behaviour. It means rather than leading through fear and shame, we lead through connection, conversation and education. 

The ‘consequence’ for big behaviour shouldn’t be punishment to make them feel bad, but the repairing of any damage so they can feel the good in who they are. It’s the conversation with you where they turn and face their behaviour. This will always be easier when they feel you loving them, and embracing who they are, even when you reject what they do.♥️
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#parent #parents #mindfulparenting #gentleparenting
Kununurra I’m so excited to be with you tonight. I’ll be giving you super practical ways to strengthen your kiddos and teens against all sorts and all levels of anxiety - big anxiety, little anxiety, anxiety about school, separation, trying new things - all of it. You’ll walk away with things you can do tonight - and I can’t wait! Afterwards we’ll have time for a chat where we can dive into your questions (my favourite part). This is a free event organised by the Parenting Connection WA (I love this organisation so much!). The link for tickets is in my story♥️
Hello Broome! Can’t wait to see you tonight. Tickets still available. The link is in my story. 

Thank you Parenting Connection WA for bringing me here and for the incredible work you do to support and strengthen families.♥️
What a weekend! Thank you Sydney for your open hearts, minds and arms this weekend at @resilientkidsconference. Your energy and warmth were everything.♥️
I LOVE being able to work with early childhood centres and schools. The most meaningful, enduring moments of growth and healing happen on those everyday moments kids have with their everyday adults - parents, carers, teachers. It takes a village doesn’t it.♥️

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