Think Strong. Be Stronger. 10 Ways to Keep Your Thinking Positive.

Think Strong. Be Stronger. 10 Ways to Keep Your Thinking Positive.

Loving life isn’t so much about what we have, but what we think about what we have. That and the people we have around us. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to make sure we have a strong handle on the way our mind influences our behaviour. First though, we need to be aware of what’s going on upstairs, and the kind of thinking that’s cozying up and positioning itself to frame our feelings and our behaviour.  

There’s a powerful connection between thoughts, feelings and behavior, and one will influence the others. We can work this to our great advantage – if we change one, the others will eventually follow. 

Let me give you an example. Let’s say you want to start an exercise plan. Every cell in your body might feel like resisting. And as for how you feel? Well, more than likely you won’t really ‘feel like it’, because if you did, you probably would have done it before now. So if your behavior is resisting and your feelings aren’t feeling the love for your new plan, how do you change? By changing your thinking. Out of the three – thoughts, actions, feelings – sometimes (not always) thoughts will be the easiest to modify and will lead to the greatest change. 

Aaron Beck was the first person to come up with the concept of  ‘cognitive distortions’ and David Burns extended the idea.

Of course, it’s not for anyone else to tell you whether or not your thinking is distorted. The way you view reality is shaped by a lifetime of experience and sometimes the way you see the world is exactly the way the world is for you. The idea is to challenge whether or not the way you’re thinking is working for or against you. If it’s working well, keep it. If it’s not, experiment with changing it. There is always another way to think about something, and if you don’t like the new way you can always change back, but you never know where a small shift could lead.

Here are some of the common thought patterns that can get in our way:

  1. All or nothing (black and white) thinking. (Trust me, the grey can be lovely.)

    Things either completely are, or they completely aren’t – there’s no grey. If you aren’t perfect, you’re a disaster. If someone doesn’t like you, you’re telling yourself that the whole world probably feels the same. This type of thinking can get in the way of trying new things, having new experiences and meeting new people. Life isn’t all or nothing. Life in the grey zone can be the best part of being human because it’s here that we find our edges and push past them.

  2. Shoulds and shouldn’t. Says who?

    These are the little ‘rules’ we make for ourselves and others. Often, they don’t feel like rules because they’re so automatic and so ingrained that they can pass themselves off more as ‘truths’. Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they’d make good kindling. They’re the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’, the ‘musts’ and ‘must nots’, the ‘oughts’ and the ‘have to’s’. Chances are you took them on as you were growing up – probably from parents, teachers or society, swallowing them whole without really thinking about their usefulness. Here are some common ones:

    •  ‘I should always get it right.’

    •  ‘Everyone should like me.’

    •  ‘I should never say no.’

    •  ‘I shouldn’t make a fuss.’

    Any of them familiar? You might have your own gems. When you think in terms of  ‘shoulds’, you set them as rules for yourself and others. When others break these rules, your might get judgey, indignant or righteous. (It’s okay – we’ve all been there!) When you break them yourself, you might feel guilty or as though you’ve failed.

    Question how useful these rules are for you. Do they motivate you? Restrict you? Open you up? Shut you down? See if you can get a handle on how they influence your behaviour or how they get in the way. When you cut it all away, what are you getting from hanging on to them? Healthy living means being able to respond according to the specifics of a situation not according to a set of rules that have possibly outstayed their usefulness in your life. Life can be pretty wonderful when you colour outside the lines.

  3. Magnification and minimisation. (But we get it the wrong way around!)

    Imagine how life would look if you automatically magnified the good and minimised the bad. Pretty special, right? Problems come when you get it the wrong way round – magnifying the bad and minimising the good. Rather than seeing things as a mixture of good, bad, brilliant, completely rubbish, wonderful, not-great and learning opportunities, magnification involves finding that one single thing that’s not great and then dwelling on it. This sort of thinking shuts down the positive. Nothing and nobody is ever perfect. Look hard enough and there’ll always be something to criticise – always. Similarly, nothing is ever all bad, but if you dwell on the bad, and the good won’t get a look in. Look at things for what they are. Focus on the good, learn what you can from the bad and know that you just got a bit better at this human thing we’re all trying to master.

  4. I control everything. I control nothing.

    This way of thinking centres around the assumption that you have no control over what happens to you. People who tend towards this way of thinking see themselves as being hopelessly barrelled along by fate. There are some things we can control and some things we can’t. It’s important to know the difference and challenge the idea that there’s nothing we can do to change a situation. Sometimes the change lies in the way the situation is being looked at, or the language used to describe it. Instead of ‘I can’t make this relationship work’, a more empowering way to think is, ‘I won’t make this relationship work’ (because I’m not prepared to change into the person I need to be to make it). Instead of ‘I can’t exercise’, try ‘I won’t exercise’ – You’ll either accept where you’re at (nice), or you’ll become so frustrated you won’t be able to stop change even if you tried (go you!) Either way, it’s a win.

    A related problem is assuming control over things you have absolutely no control over. Common culprits are assuming responsibility for the happiness and emotional well-being of everyone around you. Of course, don’t deliberately do things to bring people down, but you don’t need to twist yourself in knots to keep people happy either. People will be sad, angry, and unhappy sometimes. Unless you’ve done something deliberately awful, none of how they feel is likely to be something you can control.

  5. Right-fighting. Putting ‘right’ above everything else.

    Spoiler alert. You won’t always be right. The problem with thinking otherwise is that you’ll go to any lengths to prove yourself right. Make no mistake – you will lose people along the way. You just will. Maybe not in person, but people will just stop listening. Everybody wants to be heard and everybody deserves that. The problem with a desperate quest for ‘rightness’ is that prevents others being heard and validated and it prevents you from opening up to other ways of thinking about things. Respecting another point of view – even if you don’t agree with it – is even more important than being right. It just is.

  6. Personalisation and blame.

    People who personalise take things personally. They might blame themselves for things that have nothing to do with them, which means way too much time is spent feeling guilty. Alternatively, they might blame other people without making any attempt to see how they themselves may have contributed to the problem. Both will lead to a static way of responding to the world that’s tied up in guilt or righteousness. Both will also undermine the capacity to respond to people and situations with flexibility.

  7. Jumping to conclusions – 2 ways.

    The first is mind reading and, as the name suggests, it’s based around the assumption that you know other people’s feelings and the motivations behind their behaviour – particularly their feelings and behaviour towards you. In this case, your assumption is a negative one and is held even though there’s absolutely no evidence. If you don’t stop to check things out, you tend to act as though what you’re thinking it’s true.

    If this is something you tend to do, check out the evidence. Don’t assume that because you think it, it must be true. Over time, we can become fixed on looking at things through a negative filter so it’s important to check things out. 

    The other way you might jump to conclusions is by fortune telling. Here, you predict things will turn out badly, whether or not there’s any evidence suggesting this. Again, you act as though just because you think it, it must be true. Thinking like this will make sure you half live your life. You’ll be less likely to try things and you’ll diminish the potential of experiences by saturating them in negativity before you’ve even begun. Again, look for the evidence and challenge the validity of your assumptions. There’s some pretty wonderful things waiting for you as soon as you stop convincing yourself that everything will end badly.

  8. Labelling.

    Labelling means that let yourself become your shortcomings. Instead of letting yourself off the hook for messing up now and then, you let them become you. A mistake becomes, ‘I’m a jerk/ such a loser / an idiot.’ No actually. You’re not. You made a mistake. We all do. Thank heavens because it’s how we learn. Unless you’re a robot programmed for perfection – which would tend to become dull after a while – your flaws are the things that flourish you. Unless you make mistakes, you can’t learn. Own them. Embrace them. Mistakes are something you do. Not something you are. 

    If you’re one who tends to label, chances are you don’t just do it to yourself, but you do it to other people too. People who label themselves are also likely to label others when they get it wrong, usually with something dramatic and emotionally loaded. Someone who arrives five minutes late becomes a ‘self-centred jerk who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves.’ Now where’s the good in that, hey?

  9. Emotional reasoning.

    ‘I feel it, so it must be true.’ ‘I’m worried about this. So there must be something to worry about.’ ‘I feel stupid. So I must be stupid.’ Rather than questioning how you feel, you assume there is a sound basis for the feeling. The problem is that you start to respond to the world as though what you’re thinking is true.

  10. Overgeneralisation.

    One time becomes ‘always’. One mistake becomes ‘totally.’ If you overgeneralise, you’ll view certain situations or people based on a single event or piece of evidence. If something bad happens, you assume it’s going to keep happening. If something you do doesn’t work out as planned, you assume it’s always going to be that way. Things will go wrong sometimes – that’s a given. To base all future situations on one mistake is the best way to stop a bounce-back and to stop yourself from growing and moving towards the best you can be. You can only be the best version of yourself by learning – and you learn from your mistakes. They can flourish you, or fall you, depending on how you look at it. Up to you.

The first step in nurturing a strong mind is to be aware of the thoughts that drive your behavior. 

Once you can see the thoughts that are holding you back, you can start to let them go. 

Now … go and be amazing.

5 Comments

Richard

Thats sound advice i feel i always fall to one xtreme or the other without a ballance but does one need to be in the right hands for this to happen what if that one needs not force that situation on himself because forcing only makes it one extreme to the other but sure sometimes i have thought 2 myself nd i cant help reacting to everything sometimes what would be the best aource of help if i need a little help to try because i use to ask questions a lot then ya know im quiet a bit shy lol going towards a good way but finding it hard to get there im a complicated soul like others were all the mysteriouse same and i wanna be as good as i possibly can im needing something simple to help with my social anxiety find loads of people nd not knowing what to say to anyone quite outstounding to be honest il look at someone have a bad thought or not and think what do i say ive tepeated myself all my life i go by natural sense of feeling which doesnt happen often anyway gonna try be amazig n at least il try but wish i only knew how gonna have to watch some nice films or ask some advice from some good people medication is something a lot of people said i just wish i knew if it was a good idea or not because i dont know if it makes u weaker inside or better it confusese too much to know an answer for sure and when its ones health u gotta be careful

Reply
Hey Sigmund

Feeling anxious when it comes to new people is really common and you would be surprised how many other people feel the same way. Some people are just better at hiding it than others. If you’re shy it can be hard to know what to say can’t it, but it’s so likely that you’ll never say the wrong thing because you will have thought so much about what to say before you finally say it. If you’re wondering about medication, a doctor would be able to help you to understand what that would mean for you. You’re right – you do have to be careful and it can be really confusing but if you speak to the right people – sometimes that might mean more than one doctor – you can get a clearer idea and will hopefully have enough information to make a decision.

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Anxiety is a sign that the brain has registered threat and is mobilising the body to get to safety. One of the ways it does this is by organising the body for movement - to fight the danger or flee the danger. 

If there is no need or no opportunity for movement, that fight or flight fuel will still be looking for expression. This can come out as wriggly, fidgety, hyperactive behaviour. This is why any of us might pace or struggle to sit still when we’re anxious. 

If kids or teens are bouncing around, wriggling in their chairs, or having trouble sitting still, it could be anxiety. Remember with anxiety, it’s not about what is actually safe but about what the brain perceives. New or challenging work, doing something unfamiliar, too much going on, a tired or hungry body, anything that comes with any chance of judgement, failure, humiliation can all throw the brain into fight or flight.

When this happens, the body might feel busy, activated, restless. This in itself can drive even more anxiety in kids or teens. Any of us can struggle when we don’t feel comfortable in our own bodies. 

Anxiety is energy with nowhere to go. To move through anxiety, give the energy somewhere to go - a fast walk, a run, a whole-body shake, hula hooping, kicking a ball - any movement that spends the energy will help bring the brain and body back to calm.♥️
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#parenting #anxietyinkids #childanxiety #parenting #parent
This is not bad behaviour. It’s big behaviour a from a brain that has registered threat and is working hard to feel safe again. 

‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what the brain perceives. The brain can perceive threat when there is any chance missing out on or messing up something important, anything that feels unfamiliar, hard, or challenging, feeling misunderstood, thinking you might be angry or disappointed with them, being separated from you, being hungry or tired, anything that pushes against their sensory needs - so many things. 

During anxiety, the amygdala in the brain is switched to high volume, so other big feelings will be too. This might look like tears, sadness, or anger. 

Big feelings have a good reason for being there. The amygdala has the very important job of keeping us safe, and it does this beautifully, but not always with grace. One of the ways the amygdala keeps us safe is by calling on big feelings to recruit social support. When big feelings happen, people notice. They might not always notice the way we want to be noticed, but we are noticed. This increases our chances of safety. 

Of course, kids and teens still need our guidance and leadership and the conversations that grow them, but not during the emotional storm. They just won’t hear you anyway because their brain is too busy trying to get back to safety. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed or ‘grown’. They want to feel seen, safe and heard. 

During the storm, preserve your connection with them as much as you can. You might not always be able to do this, and that’s okay. None of this is about perfection. If you have a rupture, repair it as soon as you can. Then, when their brains and bodies come back to calm, this is the time for the conversations that will grow them. 

Rather than, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, shift to, ‘What support do they need to do better?’ The greatest support will come from you in a way they can receive: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re the most wonderful kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
Big behaviour is a sign of a nervous system in distress. Before anything, that vulnerable nervous system needs to be brought back home to felt safety. 

This will happen most powerfully with relationship and connection. Breathe and be with. Let them know you get it. This can happen with words or nonverbals. It’s about feeling what they feel, but staying regulated.

If they want space, give them space but stay in emotional proximity, ‘Ok I’m just going to stay over here. I’m right here if you need.’

If they’re using spicy words to make sure there is no confusion about how they feel about you right now, flag the behaviour, then make your intent clear, ‘I know how upset you are and I want to understand more about what’s happening for you. I’m not going to do this while you’re speaking to me like this. You can still be mad, but you need to be respectful. I’m here for you.’

Think of how you would respond if a friend was telling you about something that upset her. You wouldn’t tell her to calm down, or try to fix her (she’s not broken), or talk to her about her behaviour. You would just be there. You would ‘drop an anchor’ and steady those rough seas around her until she feels okay enough again. Along the way you would be doing things that let her know your intent to support her. You’d do this with you facial expressions, your voice, your body, your posture. You’d feel her feels, and she’d feel you ‘getting her’. It’s about letting her know that you understand what she’s feeling, even if you don’t understand why (or agree with why). 

It’s the same for our children. As their important big people, they also need leadership. The time for this is after the storm has passed, when their brains and bodies feel safe and calm. Because of your relationship, connection and their felt sense of safety, you will have access to their ‘thinking brain’. This is the time for those meaningful conversations: 
- ‘What happened?’
- ‘What did I do that helped/ didn’t help?’
- ‘What can you do differently next time?’
- ‘You’re a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
As children grow, and especially by adolescence, we have the illusion of control but whether or not we have any real influence will be up to them. The temptation to control our children will always come from a place of love. Fear will likely have a heavy hand in there too. When they fall, we’ll feel it. Sometimes it will feel like an ache in our core. Sometimes it will feel like failure or guilt, or anger. We might wish we could have stopped them, pushed a little harder, warned a little bigger, stood a little closer. We’re parents and we’re human and it’s what this parenting thing does. It makes fear and anxiety billow around us like lost smoke, too easily.

Remember, they want you to be proud of them, and they want to do the right thing. When they feel your curiosity over judgement, and the safety of you over shame, it will be easier for them to open up to you. Nobody will guide them better than you because nobody will care more about where they land. They know this, but the magic happens when they also know that you are safe and that you will hold them, their needs, their opinions and feelings with strong, gentle, loving hands, no matter what.♥️
Anger is the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. It has important work to do. Anger never exists on its own. It exists to hold other more vulnerable emotions in a way that feels safer. It’s sometimes feels easier, safer, more acceptable, stronger to feel the ‘big’ that comes with anger, than the vulnerability that comes with anxiety, sadness, loneliness. This isn’t deliberate. It’s just another way our bodies and brains try to keep us safe. 

The problem isn’t the anger. The problem is the behaviour that can come with the anger. Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. When children are angry, as long as they are safe and others are safe, we don’t need to fix their anger. They aren’t broken. Instead, drop the anchor: as much as you can - and this won’t always be easy - be a calm, steadying, loving presence to help bring their nervous systems back home to calm. 

Then, when they are truly calm, and with love and leadership, have the conversations that will grow them - 
- What happened? 
- What can you do differently next time?
- You’re a really great kid. I know you didn’t want this to happen but here we are. How can you make things right. Would you like some ideas? Do you need some help with that?
- What did I do that helped? What did I do that didn’t help? Is there something that might feel more helpful next time?

When their behaviour falls short of ‘adorable’, rather than asking ‘What consequences they need to do better?’ let the question be, ‘What support do they need to do better.’ Often, the biggest support will be a conversation with you, and that will be enough.♥️
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#parenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #anxietyinkids

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