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Stronger for the Breaks – How to Heal from a Toxic Parent

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Stronger for the Breaks - How to Heal from a Toxic Parent

It’s one thing to be dipped in venom by those you don’t really care about, but when it’s by the person who is meant to love you, hold you, and take the sharp edges off the world, while teaching you with love, wisdom and warmth how to do it for yourself, it changes you. There is a different kind of hurt that can only come from a toxic parent – someone who is meant to love you. Kind of like being broken from the inside out.

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The scarring and hurt that comes from a toxic parent probably isn’t something we talk about enough. None of us are perfect, including our parents, but there is a point at which imperfect becomes destructive, taking away from children the love, warmth and nurturing they deserve and replacing it with something awful.

When children are raised on a diet of criticism, judgement, abuse and loathing, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from those parents, delivering with full force to themselves the toxic lashings that have been delivered to them. 

Toxic parents come in many shapes. Some are so obvious that they can be spotted from space through the eye of a needle. Some are a bit more subtle. All are destructive.

A toxic parent has a long list of weapons, but all come under the banner of neglect or emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Toxic parents lie, manipulate, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate and criticise. Nothing is ever good enough. You get an A, they’ll want an A+. You get an A+, they’ll wonder why you aren’t school captain. You make school captain, your sister would have been a better one. And you’ll never be pretty like her. They’ll push you down just to criticise you for the way you fall. That, or they’ll shove you off a cliff to show the world how well they catch you. They oversee childhoods with no warmth, security or connection. 

Any negative behaviour that causes emotional damage or contaminates the way a person sees himself or herself, is toxic. A toxic parent treat his or her children in such a way as to make those children doubt their importance, their worth, and that they are deserving of love, approval and validation. If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘Well yeah, my parent/s did that, but only because it was true – I’m pretty useless at life,’ then chances are that parent was a toxic one. The truth is that you, like every other small person on the planet, deserved love, warmth, and to know how important you were. You’re not useless at life – you’ve bought in to the messages that were delivered by a parent too broken to realise what they were doing. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. 

It is possible to heal from by toxic parenting. It begins with the decision that the legacy of shame and hurt left behind by a toxic parent won’t be the way your story will end.

How to heal from a toxic parent.

Here are some ways to move forward.

  1. It’s okay to let go of a toxic parent.

    This is such a difficult decision, but it could be one of the most important. We humans are wired to connect, even with people who don’t deserve to be connected to us. Sometimes though, the only way to stop the disease spreading is to amputate. It doesn’t matter how much you love some people, they are broken to the point that they will only keep damaging you from the inside out. You’re not responsible for them or for the state of your relationships with them, and you are under no obligation to keep lining yourself up be abused, belittled, shamed or humiliated. Healing starts with expecting more for yourself, and you’re the only person who can make that decision. 

  2. And it’s okay not to.

    Don’t be harsh on yourself if you stay in the relationship. The act of returning to an abusive relationship can set trigger self-loathing. ‘Why aren’t I strong enough?’ Know that loyalty is such an admirable trait, even if it gets in the way of your capacity to protect yourself. Own where you are and give yourself full permission to be there. Accept that for now, this is where you’re at, and fully experience what that’s like for you. You’ll never love yourself enough to change your expectations if you’re flogging yourself for not being strong enough. It takes tremendous strength to keep walking into a relationship that you know is going to hurt you. When you’re ready, you’ll make the move to do something differently. For now though, wherever you are is okay.

  3. Be honest about the possibilities.

    If you’re going to stay, know that it’s okay to put a boundary between yourself and your parent. You can act from love and kindness if you want to – but don’t stay in the relationship unless you can accept that the love you deserve will never come back to you. Ever. If it was going to, it would have reached you by now. See their behaviour for what it is – evidence of their breaks, not evidence of yours. Put a forcefield around yourself and let their abuse bounce off. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to fill the well that they bleed dry. They might not be capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve, but you are.

     

  4. Be careful of repeating the patterns with other people

    You might find yourself drawn to people who have similarities to your toxic parent. There’s a really good reason for this. All of us are driven to find an ending to things that remain unresolved. Because love, warmth and nurturing are such an important part of child development, yet so elusive for the child of a toxic parent, it’s very normal for those children to be driven to find a resolution to never feeling loved, secure or good enough. They will look to receive what they didn’t get from their parents in others and will often be drawn to people who have similarities to their toxic parent. With similar people, the patterns will be easier to replicate, and the hope of an ending closer to the desired one – parent love – will be easier to fulfil. That’s the theory. The pattern often does repeat, but because of the similarities to the parent, so does the unhappy ending.

    The decisions aren’t conscious ones, so to move towards healing, the automatic thoughts and feelings driving the choices need to be brought more into awareness. If this is something that’s familiar for you, it’s possible that you are being drawn to the wrong people because they remind you of your toxic parent, and somewhere inside you where your wanted things stay hidden, is the wish that you’ll get from them what you weren’t able to get from your parent. Look at the people in your life and explore the similarities they have with your own parents. What do they do that’s similar? What do you do that’s similar to the way you are in your relationship with your parents? Which needs are being met? What keeps you there? The more awareness you have, the more you can make deliberate decisions that aren’t driven by historical wants.

  5. Own your right to love and respect.

    One of the greatest acts of self-love is owning your right to love and respect from the people you allow close to you. You’re completely entitled to set the conditions for your relationships, as other people are to set the conditions for theirs. We all have to treat those we love with kindness, generosity and respect if we want the same back. If those conditions aren’t met, you’re allowed to close the door. You’re allowed to slam it closed behind them if you want to.

  6. Be careful of your own toxic behaviour.

    You’ve been there, so you know the behaviours and you know what they do. We’re all human. We’re all going to get it wrong sometimes. Toxic behaviour though, is habitual and it will damage the members of your own little tribe as surely as it damaged you. You don’t have to be a product of the inept, cruel parenting that was shown to you, and this starts with the brave decision that the cycle stops at you. People who do this, who refuse to continue a toxic legacy, are courageous, heroic and they change the world. We’re here to build amazing humans, not to tear them down. How many lives could have been different if your parent was the one who decided that enough was enough.

  7. You’re allowed to make mistakes and you’re allowed to do it on your own.

    You may have been lead to believe that you’re not enough – not smart enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, strong enough capable enough. The truth is that you are so enough. It’s crazy how enough you are. Open yourself up to the possibility of this and see what happens. You don’t need to depend on anyone and making mistakes doesn’t make you a loser. It never has. That’s something you’ve been lead to believe by a parent who never supported you or never gave you permission to make mistakes sometimes. Make them now. Make plenty. Heaps. Give yourself full permission to try and miss. There will be hits and there will be misses. You don’t even know what you’re capable of because you’ve never been encouraged to find out. You’re stronger than you think you are, braver, better and smarter than you think you are, and now is your time to prove it to yourself.

     

  8. Write a list. (And get yourself a rubber band.)

    Write down the beliefs that hold you back. The ones that get in your way and stop you from doing what you want to do, saying what you want to say or being who you want to be. Were you brought up to believe your opinion doesn’t count? That parents are always right? That you’re unloveable? Unimportant? Stupid? Annoying? Incapable? Worthless?

    Now beside each belief, write what that belief is costing you. Has it cost you relationships? Happiness? Freedom to be? To experiment? To explore? Then, rewrite the script. Thoughts drive feelings, behaviour, what you expect for yourself and what you expect from relationships and world. How are you going to change those beliefs? Just choose one or two to start with and every time you catch yourself thinking the old thoughts, actively replace it with a new, more self-nurturing thought – then act as though that new thought is true. You don’t have to believe it – just pretend it is. Your head will catch up when it’s ready.

    If it’s difficult to break out of the old thought, try this: wear a rubber band (or a hair band) around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself thinking the old thought, give the band a little flick. This will start to train your mind to let go of the old thoughts that have no place in your life anymore. You just need a little flick – you don’t need to hurt yourself – your old thoughts have been doing that for long enough already. There is no right or wrong on this. All the answers, strength and courage you need to do what’s right for you is in you. You just need to give yourself the opportunity and the reason to hear it.

  9. Find your ‘shoulds’ that shouldn’t be.

    ‘Shoulds’ are the messages we take in whole (introject) from childhood, school, relationships, society. They guide behaviour automatically and this can be a good thing (‘I should be around people who respect me’) or a not so good thing (‘I should always be ‘nice”). Take a close look at your ‘shoulds’ and see if they’ve been swallowed with a spoonful of poison. Our ‘should’s’ come from many years of cultivating and careful pruning, so that when that should is fully formed, it direct you so automatically that you don’t even need to think.

    It’s likely that the should that’s keeping you stuck has come from the person who wanted to keep you that way. Were you brought up feeling indebted to your parents? Like you owe them? Like you’ll never cope if you separate properly from them? Were the messages delivered to keep you small? Quiet? Hidden? Believing the messages may have worked when you were younger, steering you way from their foul mood or toxic consequences, but it doesn’t have to be that way now. Don’t pick up from where they left off. You’re older now, with different circumstances, and in a different environment. Bring your ‘shoulds’ out in the open so your actions can be more deliberate. If your ‘shoulds’ are working for you, love them up and keep them, otherwise let them go. 

  10. Nobody is all good or all bad. But don’t be guilted by that.

    One of the things that makes ending any relationship so difficult is that there will be traces of exactly what you want. Even toxic parents can sometimes be loving, warm or nurturing, though it’s mostly, if not always, done to further their own agenda. In the same way that being ‘a little bit bad’ probably isn’t enough to sever an important relationship, being ‘a little bit good’ isn’t enough reason to keep one. Zoom out and look at the big picture. If you feel miserable in the relationship more than you feel good, question your reasons for staying. If it’s because your toxic parent is old, frail, sad or lonely, that might be all the reason you need to stay, and that’s okay. If it is, own the decision in strength and put limits on contact or how much you will give to the relationship. You’re entitled to take or give as much to the relationship as you decide. Just whatever you do, do it deliberately, in strength and clarity, not because you’re being manipulated or disempowered. The shift in mindset seems small, but it’s so important. 

  11. Build yourself up.

    Toxic environments are toxic to the brain – we know that with absolute certainty. The human brain is incredibly adaptive, and in response to a toxic environment it will shut down so as to protect itself as much as it can from the toxicity. When this happens, as it does during prolonged periods of emotional stress, the rate at which the brain produces new neurons (neurogenesis) slows right down, ultimately making people vulnerable to anxiety, depression, cognitive impairment, memory loss, reduced immunity, loss of vitality, reduced resilience to stress, and illness (research has shown that migraine and other pain conditions are more prevalent in people who were brought up in abusive environments, though the exact reason for the relationship is unclear).

    We also know, with absolute certainty, that the damage can be turned around. Diet (omega 3, green tea extract, blueberry extract, reduced intake processed sugar and unhealthy carbohydrates), exercise (anything that increases heart rate), and meditation (such as a regular mindfulness practice) will all help to rebuild the brain and heal the damage done by a toxic environment. Increasing neurogenesis will help to build resilience, cognitive function, vitality and protect against stress, anxiety and depression.

Healing from a toxic parent starts with deciding that the lifetime of messages that have left you hollow or scarred are wrong. Because they are. It means opening a heart that’s probably been closed for way too long, and receiving the love, approval and validation that has always been yours to own. Sometimes, it means realising that parents break too, sometimes irreparably, sometimes to the point of never being able to show love to the people in their life who deserve it the most. Sometimes it means making the brave decision, in strength and with the greatest self-love and self-respect, to let go of the relationship that’s been hurting you. 

Breaking free of a toxic parent is hard, but hard has never meant impossible. With the deliberate decision to move forward, there are endless turns your story can take. Brave, extraordinary, unexpected turns that will lead you to a happier, fuller life. It’s what you’ve always deserved. Be open to the possibilities of you. There are plenty.

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728 Comments

Sandra

I’d like to know how some of you are coping with not having been loved or wanted by their parents and especially mothers. I have moved 10,000km’s away from a toxic mother who basically only didn’t abort me because I was a cash cow (biological dad had money and they only had a brief extramarital affair so I hardly knew him). My dad didn’t want me either because he already had a family and only had affairs with other women, in fact he insisted on a paternity test for me and I saw him maybe 5 times in my life. I grew up in a dysfunctional household with an absentee mother and her alcoholic boyfriend. The worst for me was being left alone at home for days on end without food or any other humans around. I am coping fairly well but have huge regrets, such as not having a good education and career (I developed panic attacks in high school due to my upbringing and had no support or mentorship to achieve anything), and the fact that I had to move to a different country far away from my toxic mother and brother and don’t have a family of my own. Also, it depresses me that it seems I was just used as a pawn, for money or other gains by both my mother and my brother. One piece of advice to anyone struggling is that do not expect any apologies. They often do not come with narcissists and once you stop expecting it/them, you personally feel like a large weight has lifted. Now, I simply don’t care about my mother at all. But as I spelled out above, I do struggle with having been unloved and used and I often have flashbacks.

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Ana

I just wanted to send you so much love and positive vibes. Please know your worth, don’t let people and circumstances in your life define you. You are just amazing🙂

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K

Hello and thank you for the great article!
I am in desperate need of advice.
I have established that my mother is toxic. She manipulates me, is disrespectful, and completely self centered most of the time.
I am a very understanding and patient person, but I have been putting up with this for my whole life and I’m just tired of being anxious all of the time.
We had lived in the same town as each other for our whole lives, and I just recently moved out of the state with my husband, as I graduated college and got a job – so I have some distance between us, but she continuously demands that she is going to come stay with me, and my husband and I barely have our feet on the ground in this new place yet.
I love my mom and I don’t necessarily want to cut off contact with her, but I am at a loss. I finally decided to have an adult conversation with her. I told her that I feel that she doesn’t respect me, my boundaries, or my wishes, and that she tried to manipulate me – I then gave an example to her. I thought that this might help, but she just got incredibly mad at me ( like a child throwing a fit type of mad) and told me she didn’t want to talk to me or see me for a while.
Now she has started talking to me again and it’s all starting over.
I love her and I want her in my life, but I am so worn out.
I also want to say that I am incredibly respectful to her, and I always let her talk when she is having a bad day etc. I am a good daughter to her, and I think I deserve more respect then she is giving me.
Just typing that all out made me feel a little bit better.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and again – thanks for the great article!

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s

Hi, K. Just thought my comment could help you a little bit.

This resonated with me: “I told her that I feel that she doesn’t respect me, my boundaries, or my wishes, and that she tried to manipulate me – I then gave an example to her. I thought that this might help, but she just got incredibly mad at me ( like a child throwing a fit type of mad) and told me she didn’t want to talk to me or see me for a while.”

From what I’ve learnt in therapy, when parents are narcissistic, there’s no use on trying to talk to them reasonably – they won’t listen and try to turn it around and say you are the problem. I gave up trying to change my father, who is just like your mother. Also, like you just said, I also learnt parents like this act just like little kids – so we should treat them like children, too.

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Sandra

I agree, in fact it took me 40 years to understand that my now 70 year old mother acted like a teenager all her life…and still does. It is difficult to grasp that this level of immaturity is even possible in a reasonably intelligent human.

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Shay

Hello,
Thank you for having this community. I came upon this as I was searching for toxic parent relationships. My entire life I thought it was only me, but I can see that this is not something that is openly talked about or addressed. I am inspired to see there are blogs and support groups for these types of life events as they also impact adulthood.
Oldest of two children, I had a brother that was like god to my mom. My brother and I always got along. My mom always treated me differently. Never came to any school events and often yelled at me for the smallest things, accidentally spilling something or breaking a dish ware. She complained to family members in case I said something she didn’t like or if she was wrong. Luckily, my father was my guardian angel. He protected me and loved me like no other. He treated both myself and my brother with respect and ultimately created a friendship among us. I lost my father a few months ago and everything changed. My world turned upside down. My birthday was a few months ago and other than a phone call from my mom, nothing. I didnt expect a gift at my age but a simple gesture of having dinner would have been nice. I asked my mom the other day, why did/does she treat me differently than my brother? Her response was because back in the day girls and boys were treated differently. But why continue to treat me like that after all these years? If I have a daughter in the future, will she treat her like that? The conversation ended after that and all I can think of is, because I am a girl. I am very blessed to have a supportive husband, but I wish I had a childhood where my mother was as loving and comforting as the other moms I see. I know she gave birth to me and is the only mom I have, but it is truly hard for me to let everything go based on what I have experienced as a child and growing up. I often feel I have no one and I am all alone in this big world.

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Jess

I just want to put how I’m feeling out there to get it off my chest!

I thought I was doing so well and actually getting my life on track albeit decades after I should have. I thought , too, that I was managing the relationship with my narcissistic parent. I felt grown up and happy…

…then he contacted to say he wanted to visit to drop a gift off (he won’t contemplate alternative meeting arrangements)…

And now I’ve lost all the good feelings over this little thing. I can’t face him being in my house. This is my sanctuary and where I’ve worked on getting myself better. I know it’s maybe overreacting but I’m in a real state. Gone is all the self care I’ve been doing to be replaced by being unable to get anything done. I had plans for the next week and now all I can think of is how I am going to,be able to protect myself on the visit. I can’t even lose myself in a book or tv I am so scared and anxious.

Thanks for listening!

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Auswoman_33

Hi Jess,
Wow, I can’t believe this but I am now so much further down the track, I can help others. Amazing.
YOU have the right to say no. Boundaries. You can say you’re not available. You can say no, let’s meet at a cafe. You can say I’m busy. Whatever message you can come up with and stick to.
You don’t deserve to feel this way. The only way to stop this behaviour is to put up a strict boundary. My mum was EXACTLY the same. And I just kept saying no, I’m not available etc. Now she doesn’t drop in, and I don’t get phone calls, only emails which I filter to another inbox. it’s still difficult when I see her occasionally but it’s all on my terms xxx sending you love

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Jess

Thanks. Those are the techniques I’ve been employing with what I thought was great success which is why I was feeling so good! It really was great having the boundaries.

I guess he has just got wise to it and this time is so determined that it will be his way. He is away this week and I had a nice week planned but his last message was so forceful that he will see me next week, whatever, that I have totally lost the plot (while he is away having a great time!) . The stress of it means I can’t concentrate and wake up upset.

I am angry at myself for not being able to keep the boundaries up and for letting him upset my life once again. It would probably have been better to have just seen him last week and got it over with – by trying to protect myself I seem to have made it so much worse.

I need a strategy to cope with seeing him but every time I try to think of one the panic of all he will say just paralyses me. I’m losing yet more of my life which makes me feel such a failure.

Well done you on setting boundaries your mother will stick to. I know how hard it was for you too from your previous posts. I guess I’m feeling worse this time because I had a taste of the relief that came with a year of boundaries that worked!

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Auswoman_33

Hey Jess
Honestly, I still get super anxious when I see my mum, well I was, but every time now it is not quite as bad. I agree sometimes by avoiding them we make it worse. I was moving towards no contact but now I’m sticking with having a civil connection.
A few things that help me are remembering that the way it makes me feel is what I let it (easier said than done) but I try to deal with whatever comes up and then move on and then catch myself if I start obsessively thinking about whatever it was. I.e. if my mum calls me or emails me, I will catch myself thinking about it a lot for a period of time. If I’ve said no or ignored the communication, then I am just trying to build the muscle to respond and then move on.
Your dad doesn’t have the right to invade your personal space. They do catch onto these things. My mum sends me a lot of emails. They will just try to weasel their way in however they can. Remember your feelings are the most important thing. And ‘no’ is a complete sentence.

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Jess

I love the “no is a complete sentence”. That is going to be my new mantra!

I need to remember it as, quite frankly, I’m a bit like a performing monkey. He does or says something and my mind whirs into constant thinking and I start defending and explaining and rationalising – like I’ve just been wound up and let go to perform. Like on of those old wind up children’s toys where you turn the key and the monkey starts clapping cymbals or turning round etc until it runs down. I can see the funny side but ther is definitely a more serious not so funny side.

Thanks so much for the replies, it means a lot.

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Auswoman_33

You’re welcome Jess. And the wind up monkey, I can relate. The rationalising, justifying, that’s trauma speaking… I see a psych who has helped me work through all of this xxx

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Monika

Hi Jess, I called myself a puppet on the strings, where my mother would pull the strings and I dance to her music and wishes… funny and sad, I also have been feeling like this. I also need to learn how to stop the guilt (I have been raised as a “good” daughter and I was not allowed to stand up to my mother) so when I stopped the contact year ago it still makes me doubt myself and my choice. But I also know how much my life had changed for better.

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