Stronger for the Breaks – How to Heal from a Toxic Parent

Stronger for the Breaks - How to Heal from a Toxic Parent

It’s one thing to be dipped in venom by those you don’t really care about, but when it’s by the person who is meant to love you, hold you, and take the sharp edges off the world, while teaching you with love, wisdom and warmth how to do it for yourself, it changes you. There is a different kind of hurt that can only come from a toxic parent – someone who is meant to love you. Kind of like being broken from the inside out.

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The scarring and hurt that comes from a toxic parent probably isn’t something we talk about enough. None of us are perfect, including our parents, but there is a point at which imperfect becomes destructive, taking away from children the love, warmth and nurturing they deserve and replacing it with something awful.

When children are raised on a diet of criticism, judgement, abuse and loathing, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from those parents, delivering with full force to themselves the toxic lashings that have been delivered to them. 

Toxic parents come in many shapes. Some are so obvious that they can be spotted from space through the eye of a needle. Some are a bit more subtle. All are destructive.

A toxic parent has a long list of weapons, but all come under the banner of neglect or emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Toxic parents lie, manipulate, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate and criticise. Nothing is ever good enough. You get an A, they’ll want an A+. You get an A+, they’ll wonder why you aren’t school captain. You make school captain, your sister would have been a better one. And you’ll never be pretty like her. They’ll push you down just to criticise you for the way you fall. That, or they’ll shove you off a cliff to show the world how well they catch you. They oversee childhoods with no warmth, security or connection. 

Any negative behaviour that causes emotional damage or contaminates the way a person sees himself or herself, is toxic. A toxic parent treat his or her children in such a way as to make those children doubt their importance, their worth, and that they are deserving of love, approval and validation. If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘Well yeah, my parent/s did that, but only because it was true – I’m pretty useless at life,’ then chances are that parent was a toxic one. The truth is that you, like every other small person on the planet, deserved love, warmth, and to know how important you were. You’re not useless at life – you’ve bought in to the messages that were delivered by a parent too broken to realise what they were doing. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. 

It is possible to heal from by toxic parenting. It begins with the decision that the legacy of shame and hurt left behind by a toxic parent won’t be the way your story will end.

How to heal from a toxic parent.

Here are some ways to move forward.

  1. It’s okay to let go of a toxic parent.

    This is such a difficult decision, but it could be one of the most important. We humans are wired to connect, even with people who don’t deserve to be connected to us. Sometimes though, the only way to stop the disease spreading is to amputate. It doesn’t matter how much you love some people, they are broken to the point that they will only keep damaging you from the inside out. You’re not responsible for them or for the state of your relationships with them, and you are under no obligation to keep lining yourself up be abused, belittled, shamed or humiliated. Healing starts with expecting more for yourself, and you’re the only person who can make that decision. 

  2. And it’s okay not to.

    Don’t be harsh on yourself if you stay in the relationship. The act of returning to an abusive relationship can set trigger self-loathing. ‘Why aren’t I strong enough?’ Know that loyalty is such an admirable trait, even if it gets in the way of your capacity to protect yourself. Own where you are and give yourself full permission to be there. Accept that for now, this is where you’re at, and fully experience what that’s like for you. You’ll never love yourself enough to change your expectations if you’re flogging yourself for not being strong enough. It takes tremendous strength to keep walking into a relationship that you know is going to hurt you. When you’re ready, you’ll make the move to do something differently. For now though, wherever you are is okay.

  3. Be honest about the possibilities.

    If you’re going to stay, know that it’s okay to put a boundary between yourself and your parent. You can act from love and kindness if you want to – but don’t stay in the relationship unless you can accept that the love you deserve will never come back to you. Ever. If it was going to, it would have reached you by now. See their behaviour for what it is – evidence of their breaks, not evidence of yours. Put a forcefield around yourself and let their abuse bounce off. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to fill the well that they bleed dry. They might not be capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve, but you are.

    [irp posts=”793″ name=”Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them”]

     

  4. Be careful of repeating the patterns with other people

    You might find yourself drawn to people who have similarities to your toxic parent. There’s a really good reason for this. All of us are driven to find an ending to things that remain unresolved. Because love, warmth and nurturing are such an important part of child development, yet so elusive for the child of a toxic parent, it’s very normal for those children to be driven to find a resolution to never feeling loved, secure or good enough. They will look to receive what they didn’t get from their parents in others and will often be drawn to people who have similarities to their toxic parent. With similar people, the patterns will be easier to replicate, and the hope of an ending closer to the desired one – parent love – will be easier to fulfil. That’s the theory. The pattern often does repeat, but because of the similarities to the parent, so does the unhappy ending.

    The decisions aren’t conscious ones, so to move towards healing, the automatic thoughts and feelings driving the choices need to be brought more into awareness. If this is something that’s familiar for you, it’s possible that you are being drawn to the wrong people because they remind you of your toxic parent, and somewhere inside you where your wanted things stay hidden, is the wish that you’ll get from them what you weren’t able to get from your parent. Look at the people in your life and explore the similarities they have with your own parents. What do they do that’s similar? What do you do that’s similar to the way you are in your relationship with your parents? Which needs are being met? What keeps you there? The more awareness you have, the more you can make deliberate decisions that aren’t driven by historical wants.

  5. Own your right to love and respect.

    One of the greatest acts of self-love is owning your right to love and respect from the people you allow close to you. You’re completely entitled to set the conditions for your relationships, as other people are to set the conditions for theirs. We all have to treat those we love with kindness, generosity and respect if we want the same back. If those conditions aren’t met, you’re allowed to close the door. You’re allowed to slam it closed behind them if you want to.

  6. Be careful of your own toxic behaviour.

    You’ve been there, so you know the behaviours and you know what they do. We’re all human. We’re all going to get it wrong sometimes. Toxic behaviour though, is habitual and it will damage the members of your own little tribe as surely as it damaged you. You don’t have to be a product of the inept, cruel parenting that was shown to you, and this starts with the brave decision that the cycle stops at you. People who do this, who refuse to continue a toxic legacy, are courageous, heroic and they change the world. We’re here to build amazing humans, not to tear them down. How many lives could have been different if your parent was the one who decided that enough was enough.

  7. You’re allowed to make mistakes and you’re allowed to do it on your own.

    You may have been lead to believe that you’re not enough – not smart enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, strong enough capable enough. The truth is that you are so enough. It’s crazy how enough you are. Open yourself up to the possibility of this and see what happens. You don’t need to depend on anyone and making mistakes doesn’t make you a loser. It never has. That’s something you’ve been lead to believe by a parent who never supported you or never gave you permission to make mistakes sometimes. Make them now. Make plenty. Heaps. Give yourself full permission to try and miss. There will be hits and there will be misses. You don’t even know what you’re capable of because you’ve never been encouraged to find out. You’re stronger than you think you are, braver, better and smarter than you think you are, and now is your time to prove it to yourself.

    [irp posts=”1042″ name=”Letting Go: How to Master the Art”]

     

  8. Write a list. (And get yourself a rubber band.)

    Write down the beliefs that hold you back. The ones that get in your way and stop you from doing what you want to do, saying what you want to say or being who you want to be. Were you brought up to believe your opinion doesn’t count? That parents are always right? That you’re unloveable? Unimportant? Stupid? Annoying? Incapable? Worthless?

    Now beside each belief, write what that belief is costing you. Has it cost you relationships? Happiness? Freedom to be? To experiment? To explore? Then, rewrite the script. Thoughts drive feelings, behaviour, what you expect for yourself and what you expect from relationships and world. How are you going to change those beliefs? Just choose one or two to start with and every time you catch yourself thinking the old thoughts, actively replace it with a new, more self-nurturing thought – then act as though that new thought is true. You don’t have to believe it – just pretend it is. Your head will catch up when it’s ready.

    If it’s difficult to break out of the old thought, try this: wear a rubber band (or a hair band) around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself thinking the old thought, give the band a little flick. This will start to train your mind to let go of the old thoughts that have no place in your life anymore. You just need a little flick – you don’t need to hurt yourself – your old thoughts have been doing that for long enough already. There is no right or wrong on this. All the answers, strength and courage you need to do what’s right for you is in you. You just need to give yourself the opportunity and the reason to hear it.

  9. Find your ‘shoulds’ that shouldn’t be.

    ‘Shoulds’ are the messages we take in whole (introject) from childhood, school, relationships, society. They guide behaviour automatically and this can be a good thing (‘I should be around people who respect me’) or a not so good thing (‘I should always be ‘nice”). Take a close look at your ‘shoulds’ and see if they’ve been swallowed with a spoonful of poison. Our ‘should’s’ come from many years of cultivating and careful pruning, so that when that should is fully formed, it direct you so automatically that you don’t even need to think.

    It’s likely that the should that’s keeping you stuck has come from the person who wanted to keep you that way. Were you brought up feeling indebted to your parents? Like you owe them? Like you’ll never cope if you separate properly from them? Were the messages delivered to keep you small? Quiet? Hidden? Believing the messages may have worked when you were younger, steering you way from their foul mood or toxic consequences, but it doesn’t have to be that way now. Don’t pick up from where they left off. You’re older now, with different circumstances, and in a different environment. Bring your ‘shoulds’ out in the open so your actions can be more deliberate. If your ‘shoulds’ are working for you, love them up and keep them, otherwise let them go. 

  10. Nobody is all good or all bad. But don’t be guilted by that.

    One of the things that makes ending any relationship so difficult is that there will be traces of exactly what you want. Even toxic parents can sometimes be loving, warm or nurturing, though it’s mostly, if not always, done to further their own agenda. In the same way that being ‘a little bit bad’ probably isn’t enough to sever an important relationship, being ‘a little bit good’ isn’t enough reason to keep one. Zoom out and look at the big picture. If you feel miserable in the relationship more than you feel good, question your reasons for staying. If it’s because your toxic parent is old, frail, sad or lonely, that might be all the reason you need to stay, and that’s okay. If it is, own the decision in strength and put limits on contact or how much you will give to the relationship. You’re entitled to take or give as much to the relationship as you decide. Just whatever you do, do it deliberately, in strength and clarity, not because you’re being manipulated or disempowered. The shift in mindset seems small, but it’s so important. 

  11. Build yourself up.

    Toxic environments are toxic to the brain – we know that with absolute certainty. The human brain is incredibly adaptive, and in response to a toxic environment it will shut down so as to protect itself as much as it can from the toxicity. When this happens, as it does during prolonged periods of emotional stress, the rate at which the brain produces new neurons (neurogenesis) slows right down, ultimately making people vulnerable to anxiety, depression, cognitive impairment, memory loss, reduced immunity, loss of vitality, reduced resilience to stress, and illness (research has shown that migraine and other pain conditions are more prevalent in people who were brought up in abusive environments, though the exact reason for the relationship is unclear).

    We also know, with absolute certainty, that the damage can be turned around. Diet (omega 3, green tea extract, blueberry extract, reduced intake processed sugar and unhealthy carbohydrates), exercise (anything that increases heart rate), and meditation (such as a regular mindfulness practice) will all help to rebuild the brain and heal the damage done by a toxic environment. Increasing neurogenesis will help to build resilience, cognitive function, vitality and protect against stress, anxiety and depression.

Healing from a toxic parent starts with deciding that the lifetime of messages that have left you hollow or scarred are wrong. Because they are. It means opening a heart that’s probably been closed for way too long, and receiving the love, approval and validation that has always been yours to own. Sometimes, it means realising that parents break too, sometimes irreparably, sometimes to the point of never being able to show love to the people in their life who deserve it the most. Sometimes it means making the brave decision, in strength and with the greatest self-love and self-respect, to let go of the relationship that’s been hurting you. 

Breaking free of a toxic parent is hard, but hard has never meant impossible. With the deliberate decision to move forward, there are endless turns your story can take. Brave, extraordinary, unexpected turns that will lead you to a happier, fuller life. It’s what you’ve always deserved. Be open to the possibilities of you. There are plenty.

899 Comments

Neha

Hey there, this article has really mad me look into my shortcomings and really validated my thought processes and random realisations. From the time i was a kid, my father worked in armed forces and was never really stayed with us. Me and my mom used to live with my grand mom, who had very strict rules and toxic behaviour patterns. Her idea of raising kids was to put them in control and manipulate their opinions towards life. Even she was very good person and is still my role model, her behaviour made a very lasting impact on me. It made me be someone who doesnt show emotions clearly and tries to test people for their loyalty and faithfulness. Just when she was getting weak, my dad came back when I was around 12-13 and started the same things again. He never tried to understand who I truly was and expected too much from me. It eventually built a very pressurised environment, where everyday I was supposed to prove myself that I am something that he used to think. Eventually, whenever he was disappointed, I was beaten up like a dog and thrown out of house. And the next day its again a new page. Everything repeats again. If you say what my mom doing, she was too busy supporting my dad and igniting him whenever she thought I was doing wrong or not doing enough.
In the middle of all this, I was sexually harassed for 4 years, when my father was away, by some relative and luckily my aunt helped me come out of it. I was scarred badly and never wanted to act like a “girl” that is being girlish, choosing all girly things was a huge no for me. Looking at this, I was called gay by my classmates and no one helped me out of it too. All the time, it was only my friend, who was sticking next to me and motivated me to pick myself up and reminded me I am more than what people call me. Slowly, i gained courage to talk back to everyone, including my dad, and the abuse took another form. He was now more disappointed that i talk back so he started throwing tantrums about my body and my career and social life. I took all that and talked back, fought with him, beat him back whenever he raised hands at me and waited for my college to end. I wanted to apply for my masters in Canada, and then came pandemic. Both my parents were against with that idea and wanted me to pursue it in India itself. Its been an year, I could not clear any colleges. I am trying for jobs and there is one last college that will release results in this or next week. I hope i get in and leave this place.

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sunny

you are very bave to share your story. for me it was always a toxic mother, i was very close to my father at one time, right before she made us hate each other, and made me hate my self and think i’m never good enough like the other girls, i have a younger brother and sister all the same case but i’m more blamed for everything, i was abused emotionally, mentally and physically, i was burned with a fork for bad grade once, now it has been a year(-16 days) since my father died of cancer , he apologized to me before that, but it only got worst with her , just yelling for no reason and calling us names,i found my self alone I don’t have any friends, my bf is a good person and listens to me but i don’t really like to talk about it much, i always says it’s because she was miss treated as young but that’s no reason for me, professional help was never in the picture, i believe i’m stronger than this but it just gets me, my plan is just moving away as soon as i’m financially independent as i’m graduating with a masters degree in biology and genetic engineering this year and work on me more .
this has been very helpful and therapeutic to read all of your stories and share mine.

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Terhi E

Namaste. There are always some amount of difficulties in relationship with ones mothers. The desicion how to take it, learn with its, become a bridge-builder it in is ones own choice and a not choice. How I want my life to be, how I want to be in relationship with whom had brought me to this lifes. And, am I doing and going on correctly in relation to my mothers or am I making mistakes? I would ask, how to cure the relationship, myself and my mother and start taking a study it upon alike now is. At the end it is just one difficulty amongst all others.

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Starlit

my mother was toxic, I have cut her out of my life, I am left with healing from her toxic ways, but at least I am free from her. best decision i have made because i am able to not be bogged down by her issues she has not healed from. i am able to try to be who i want to be, not who she wanted to be. I struggle with second guessing myself because I learnt that from her, but I am working towards becoming a whole person without her dragging me down and I am proud of that!!

Sometimes we have to let our mom’s go, to move forward, to feel the victory we deserve as abused children. to break the cycle of it’s ok if you abuse me and I put up with it victim mentality. sometimes it is the only way no matter how hard it is.

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Kiwi

Starlit, you are extremely brave. I understand what you might have gone through-thank u for sharing your story. Sometimes it’s hard to realize a different reality than what you’ve been conditioned.

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Sheryll B

My mother and father was abusive my father more physical and my mother neglectful and mentally and she was mentally unstable. I ran away most of the time thought they changed when I was an adult / it got worse / they decided to play shunning and try this how they care about me — right — just like old times the two caring —my mother decided she would ask my now ex – out for dinner and give him all this negative stuff about me and tell him i was a bipolar runaway. Then gave him a instructions for threats to give me to make me run to their house so my mother could shove pills down my throat – because they soooo caring . Then when we got divorced they decided to get my sister with calling cps and spreading rumors . My parents actually thought they were not going to get caught in the abuse the thing is is when they cant hit === anymore or have the police called on them like my dad did on him for abuse on my. then it to emotional and they did shunning / with this I’m dead to them / my mother did this drama back turning / they called CPR constantly /my mother repeated her emotional abuse saying I didn’t deserve anything / anything she could do/ including when my daughter got married my sister stole my car — then it was you didn’t deserve to see her get married/ they are rotten people. I used to think their some kind of hope for them — i hate my family / none of them —

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Can’t deal anymore

I am an only child. My parents never really talked to me, they yelled at me or eachother all the time. They would get into fights all the time and try to make me pick sides everytime and when I wouldn’t they would yell at me. One would always leave and say they would never come back but hours later they would come back and not talk for days to eachother or me. When they did get alone it was just with eachother. They hardly ever bought food for the house, they would buy cigarettes before food. They never cleaned the house and there was mold growing everywhere and dirt everywhere. When I got older I could not have friends over cuz it was to embarrassing, a few times I did have a friend over tho and they would leave Disgusted. I got really depressed and tried to kill my self a few times and ran away but my parents would drag me home. I call the ministry and back then they called my parents and made an appointment… so they actually cleaned there house and bought some food. The ministry did nothing but my parents were so mad at me, they would yell at me or they would fight themselves or even not talk to me for days. When I was old enough to get a job I got one and started saving up so I could move out as soon as I could. They would take my money tho. When I bought my first car my parents would take my keys all the time and take my car because they didn’t have money for gas and use all my gas so I couldn’t go out cuz I don’t have anymore money for gas. When I finally got to move out I moved in with my boyfriend and my parents hated him and would always come over and bug us and tell me to leave him and come home cuz he was a horrible guy… but he wasn’t. My parents would always bug me for money. And when I said no they would be mad and tell me that I had to because I owed them cuz they raised me. When I had kids they would tell me I wasn’t been feeling a good mom tell me I was doing everything wrong. I moved away a few towns over and they fallowed me. When I got divorced and moved back I was horrible for leaving them they said. To this date my parents have maxed out my credit cards, told my 15 year old daughter that I am such a horrible daughter and told her that she needs to be horrible to me. I just can’t take it anymore. I have not talked to my parents in just over a month my mom has called once and sent me a few texts but I have not replied. Christmas is tomorrow. I feel so hurt and so betrayed. I have applied for a last name change because I don’t even want to have the same last name as them anymore. My doctor says I need to start some Counselling for all of this. Am I doing the right thing? I feel so happy not talking to them or being around them. But I hurt, how could they be like this to there only child? Do they feel hurt to?

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Sinead

Hello. Sorry to hear you have gone through this. I have gone through a toxic mother aswell and I no longer speak to my mother. It’s been 6 months now and I feel great, I have a bad few mins where I think about her but it’s all negative. Because the only positive memories I have where a lie as she never ment them as it was all done for her selfishness and that’s what gets me through. Remembering how she made me feel and cry and even tho it’s hurts it goes away after a minute or two sometimes seconds because then I’m just blank. I feel numb most of the time and I’m not happy, I don’t know what happy is but that will come back in time.
To answere your question Do they feel hurt too? No I don’t think they do, only when they release what they are missing out of and they have no one to bully any more. They pretend they are hurting and they are sorry to get you back then they will do it again. So deep down no they don’t as people like this don’t know how to care. I wouldn’t feel guilty for not speaking to them. If it’s what you want and you know if it is because it won’t be the first, second or third time you thought of never speaking to them, You must stay strong! It’s a long road a head. It’s your life! They don’t sound nice people or that they care about you. You deserve so much more and you can make that happen for you and your daughter. Good luck with you journey it’s gonna be bumpy but just remember all the negatives and how it made you feel and you will smile and tell your self it’s there fault this has happened not yours. X

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Anonymous

I estranged from my mother this year just before lockdown. I was physically and emotionally abused all my childhood, often used as a scapegoat and coerced into thinking I was a rotten apple. My mother left me at 7 months old with my alcoholic grandmother whilst she went on holiday, my grandmother apparently left me by a boiling kettle and i apparently pulled it on myself and was scarred for life on my back. This has left me with huge self esteem issues all my life and shame. When I was younger I always felt different and was treated different , there was domestics in my household, I was often hit and physically restrained a child by my father. I was selected in school as being gifted and talented in English literature and the arts. My mother didn’t see this as an achievement and often only praised my brother who was gifted at maths because she is a maths teacher. She said English and art was not important and that maths was. I struggle with maths which I think is down to her as I would often work things out differently to her but still get the correct answer she would tell me it was incorrect. If I questioned my parents they would physically assault me. I remember my first parents evening in year 7 I had achieved highly in every subject and got good feedback except of my p.e teacher my father started hitting me outside the school gates I got home and he was battering me and screaming and my mother just stood there . I never got praised for the things I was good at often being told it was unimportant. I remember i had been out in year 8 came home and my parents were in my room, they were reading my private diary and were screaming at me about things I had written in my private diary. They even took the door of my room. I started giving up on what people said I was gifted in through teens as I didn’t see much of a point. My mother focused only on herself putting herself through university always praising herself about getting to be a maths teacher which is statistically not often seen from someone in her background. It’s not until I got older I think my mother was studying to be a teacher whilst allowing and being part of abuse at home. At 17 I confronted my parents over the fact my father was not in any of my baby pictures I asked my mother who didn’t even have the decency to tell me what I always sort of knew that he wasn’t my biological father. She has always sided with him in arguments and even said it was my fault when he had a knife to my throat, held my wrist on my bed whilst punching me in the face which lead to a black eye and sprained wrist. I have always been manipulated by my mother saying I am immature and a very aggressive person . At 28 I seperated from my own partner after finding out about his gambling addiction I had no other choice to move back in with my parents who I had not lived with since 19 as I had no way to support my son on my own. I lived there for 3 years not speaking to my step father and once had a bust up after speaking up about his abuse to the family dog which he denied and my mother flew in to a rage screaming at me saying why am I causing arguements. As well as physically assaulting me and sometimes my brother through childhood he used to assault our pets. I often would just ignore the things he said to me but this year it came to a head when my child fell over a tool box on the house and got hurt. I was in the other room, I ran in tried to get past to console my child and he wouldn’t let me past, he then pushed me into a radiator. I stood up took my son to his room as he was frightened and I wanted to remove him from that situation he followed us upstairs. I closed my sons door he then pulled my hands out the door and began to slam the door on my arms, we were then segueing my son was so frightened I slapped my step dad into the face my mother got in the middle in which he picked her up by the head and moved her . My son ran out the room I ran out he said he was calling the police and my mother was saying don’t don’t, the told me to get out which I said I was I apologised to my son and said that he was right to want to call the police and no one should ever tell him not to like that if he feels threatened. I cut them off after that there are more things that have been done but I finally got the strength to go on my own my son lived with his father for a week whilst I sorted myself out I now have my own place and we are happy I am starting to heal but it’s a long road .

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Shawn

Great article and so helpful! Here’s my situation. I always felt pushed away by my mother when I was little. She also abuse me physically, mentally and emotionally. If I struggled in a certain subject school, she would stick me in my room and tell me to get my grades up and ignore me. She would use sayings like, “ I don’t know is not an answer” or “how’s that working for you?” As time went on I never thought I was good enough and I started lying to my mother because of how she treated me. I never did anything illegal. When my wife and I got married my mother made everything about her. My wife and I lost our first child in 2013 and my mother didn’t like how we handled the situation. Things got worse from there and my mother moved away. She wants to try and have a relationship, but on her terms and it has to be done her way. She won’t come to visit, but expects us to visit and do all the work. My wife and I have two living children now and are trying to focus on our family. Am I in the wrong here?

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Desiree

My experience is a little different. I was extremely close to my mother growing up. I loved hanging out with her. I have almost all fond memories of my childhood. I remember being happy, well adjusted and having everything I needed (and most things I wanted). She toed the line between being a mother and a friend flawlessly until I was 21-22 years old. I’m just starting to realize that, in the last ten years, that has gradually changed. In the last four years, our relationship has steadily gotten significantly more negative. Somewhere along the line, I started taking responsibility for her emotions. Due to her actions being passive in nature, I feel like it took me a long time to realize what was happening. She uses a veil of concern and love to justify her actions and words. She employs passive aggression, manipulation, guilt-tripping, and bucks against any boundaries I put into place. The worst part is that I truly believe that she does not realize she is doing these things and how it affects me. I truly believe that her concern comes from a place of love and her wanting better for me than she has done for herself. The problem is, I’ve let her behavior go for so long that she reacted extremely negatively anytime I bring it up (which is normally only when she brings up a slight of mine against her – real or perceived, obviously, not the best time to bring it up but I’m human also). I’ve become aware of so many negative traits/habits that I’ve developed while trying to appease her and I’m appalled at myself for not realizing it sooner. She holds so much resentment toward the one time that I did bring up my concerns that she refuses to speak about it in any productive manner. To add to this, I have two daughters of my own (ages 13 and 7) that are starting to see the same behavior in her. I want to shield them from it but I also want them to have a relationship with their grandmother. To compound it even further, while my girls are learning remotely (their school is currently shut down for covid), she helps to teach them via Zoom from her home in North Carolina (I live in Pennsylvania). I work full time so this is a HUGE help. I feel like I “owe” her for helping me out in this crazy time but I’m owing her at the expense of my own mental health. I want to improve upon myself for the sake of my own children. I don’t ever want them to feel this way but I’m so worried that I will somehow be blind to my own behavior and history will end up repeating itself. The entire situation feels impossible.

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Theresa

This is a very good site. I hope someone can figure out if there’s something wrong with me or my mom. I’m an only child and my father was unresponsive to me growing up. No hugs, kisses, or I love you. He didn’t want kids. My mother, according to her, suffered from post partem depression. But, I guess she was loving towards me until I turned 6 or 7. She told me during that time that I “turned away” from her and that I didn’t want my hand held or kiss goodnight, etc. Her friend told her that I was just becoming independent. My mom took it way too personally and withheld any emotional or physical love since. Plus, during that time, my parents were thinking about divorcing and my mom actually said to me that I had to choose between them two to live with. Well, they decided to stay together. When I was 14 I caught my father trying to sneak a peek at me after I came out of the shower. It was very sneaky. The bathroom mirror reflects onto the hallway closet mirror which reflects in the master bedroom if opened slightly. I’ve lost trust and respect in my father and never told my mother because I didn’t trust her with my feelings. Fast forward a couple of decades: I retired from the Navy same month my dad passed away from cancer. I dropped my future life and moved home to help my mom who was completely dependent on my dad. But, since, there’s been nothing but her getting drunk and picking arguments with me claiming I’m selfish, cold-hearted, don’t appreciate her or show compassion towards her. I didn’t have a lot of money to help out with anything in the beginning, but as time went by I was helping with groceries and things. I gave her some money for half the bills but she told me she doesn’t want it. But, then gets drunk and throws it back in my face. She’s been drinking heavily for the past several years. I had to call 911, one time, because she was taking Chantix and threatened suicide. She was diagnosed with Altzheimers and she has COPD. But, she still goes outside to do yard work because she says she can’t stand looking at certain things. I’ve been mowing and doing things but not what she wants done. She’s says I don’t go out there and say “here, let me do that for you.” Because, before the 911 incident I would insist on doing something while she was doing it or say to her I can do it, but she’ll say she’s got it. And told the psychiatrist after 911 incident, because they put her on suicide watch, that I was being controlling! My mom has been drinking all December: 2 thirty packs, 2 twelve packs. And now the criticisms and arguing are starting all over again. A while back she hadn’t drank for several months and was starting to complain she wanted a beer. When I told her she had a drinking problem she snapped, and we got into an argument. To the point where I slammed a door on her as she was trying to come inside. It hurt her arm and she called adult protective services for elder abuse. The lady came out the next day and I explained she has a drinking problem, but she told me I had to let her have some beer because she’s an adult…!
So, yes, I’ve gotten her beer after that and she’s been drinking ever since.

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Anonymous

I have a father who is close-minded and emotionally distant from me and my brothers. Because of this, he is often verbally abusive when angry. This causes a lot of mental and emotional distress for me. Anytime I try to make him understand that there are better ways of correcting us when we do wrong, he shoots it down and nothing happens. He believes that only he is right. Most times, I feel like I’m caged because he criticizes everything that I do, whether it’s wrong or right. I just mind my own business but he continually bothers me as if it’s his life I’m living. The atmosphere at home is too toxic. I feel like I don’t have an opportunity to just be myself without worrying about what he’s going to say or do. I feel like I’m living in an environment where we are forced to look, act and behave in a certain way. I just want to be myself and I want my brothers to be themselves and live their best lives, but we’re not allowed to do the things we want. What do you advise?

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Anaanya

I’m an current living with a abusive and toxic mother in my maternal grandparents house because my father died pretty soon after I was born. I can’t remember the last day I didn’t cry or felt like killing my self. The only thing that has keep me going is that after school I’ll go to a college far away. But I don’t know how to hold on now as I’m not sure about my college admission. My mental health has taken a real toll these past years and you can clearly see them on my academics. My mother makes it a point to scream at me and pick at every single insecurity when even I’m trying to do anything at all. Every single conversation with her turns into her screaming at me and blaming me for everything wrong with her life. My grandparents don’t say anything either because she makes their life a living hell too. I always feels I so guilty also because she has no one else apart from as she makes sure everyone leaves her because she treats everyone like absolute shit. I understand where her toxic behaviour comes from as she herself has had a bad life and refuses to acknowledge she needs help because tahts only for crazy ppl .., recently though shes started throwing stuff at me like glass bowl and cups who miss my body by barely few inches. No one has ever loved me and no one cared about me. I am scared. What the fuck did I ever do to never receive any love. She is my mother … she is supposed to care for me!! She doesn’t give a fuck it I’m hurt or miserable, never has she ever comforted me. But I have to comfort her everyday when she feels sad. I can’t talk about any of this to my friends either because I am just not comfortable with it … I have internalised everything for the past 16 years and I don’t know how to help myself at this point. I’m tried.

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Roshni

Dear Anaanya, I’m so sorry that you are going through such difficult times. I have been there where you are now and I can completely relate to you. I can speak from experience that one day life will give you a chance to move away from this toxic environment and you will get a chance to build a new life for yourself. But most importantly even if you move out , the traces of toxicity will remain with you if you are not aware of the toxic things that has happened to you. Mind is a very powerful thing. It stores memories and habits in a very unconscious way that we get to know years later. I myself became aware of this 10 years after leaving the home . I would encourage you to remain aware of all the things and act on them consciously when you move out. Seek professional help so that they will be able to guide you with necessary tools and coping mechanisms. Also don’t ever doubt yourself of you not being enough. You are a strong brave person meant to do wonderful things. Allow yourself to make plenty of mistakes, learn from them and move on. Life is a big adventure. So treat it that way. Behavior of other people is not a reflection of what you are as a person. People behave badly coz of their own insecurities. It has got nothing to do with you so don’t ever blame yourself for the things that happened to you. I know it can be very confusing that the one person who is supposed to love you the most hurts you but you need to understand even if they don’t doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved or are not enough of anyone’s love. All parents are not toxic but toxic people do become parents and there’s nothing we can do about it. The only thing we can do is control our reaction to the toxicity. I really hope you find the strength to deal with this and hope for a better a bright future for you. You deserve it and you are totally worth it

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EMMA

Hey, you are very right what matters is our reaction to toxic environment,
I joined this group 3 years ago, before I got married, I am married now I always thought my mother will change now now I am grown up with my own family, but no seems she won’t change, I am really hurt, I try but this is sad, yesterday she sent so many messages from nowhere about how she paid for my fees, that I am ungrateful it hurts, no matter how much you give your parent she feels it’s not enough, tried to tell her I am not working we have 1 income what we do for her is what we can afford, and she was like I don’t want anything from you this hurts sooo much..
It’s true that hurt people hurt people I have a daughter now I am wondering how do I break this chain I am so scared that one day I will be like this to my daughter, to my husband, some days I ignore to her messages and pretend I am fine but I know I really need to heal so I do better 😢

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Reeme

Actually I’m living with a really toxic mom and idk how to get use to it
My parents divorced when I was 3yo and then at the age of 7 she remarried again and had 2 girls but she divorced for the second time now my second sister is living with father in Canada and me and the youngest we’re living with
Trust me she was the kindest mom ever but last year she started talking to a lot of men start having some weird thoughts the problem is that all of them are losers
And now she doesn’t work she doesn’t cook or even do anything
She’s always busy with her phone and her men and then I found myself all alone in this world
For me I can’t see myself with a mother doing some bad shit and in the same time I have no way to go so I hope if I can just get use to it and have to deal with it without effecting my life

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Tired

I currently am living with an extremely narcissistic mother, a father who supports everything she does, and a sibling who is basically turning into her mini me. Honestly living with her is so tiring, but there really isn’t anything I can do for now. She screams at the smallest things, and doesn’t seem to understand social cues. She is not a good person and I am tired of her pretending to be. The other day she finally got a job after a year of not working because she didn’t want her “talent” to go to waste. She kept going on and on about how her work is lucky to have her, and how she deserves a higher pay. I don’t think she realizes how selfish and narcissistic she is and exactly how toxic she is. Once we had an argument and she escalated things to the point where she brought my dad into it and I got hit so hard I couldn’t walk for over a month. Even though she is not a good person and what she does is just horrible, my dad still supports and often goes along with what she does. She encourages him to hit me and she often complains that he doesn’t get involved (like with hitting and yelling) enough. After I healed from the incident, she would threaten my sister and I to do it again. She likes to make an example out of me either from when I get beat, or when she takes things away or destroy my stuff (she smashed my phone in a fit of rage). I understand that she has issues with her past and marriage and other things, but the purpose of having kids is not to fix these problems. Once I was having thoughts of suicide and wanted comfort from my mom but instead she made it into my fault, even said that teens can’t have depression, and then handed me a knife. I am thankful that I can finally recognize that I do not deserve this treatment but I am worried about my brother who is only eight and is growing up to be just like her. The other day, he hit our sister with a hard back book on the head and instead of saying sorry when she started crying, he told her he’d do it again if she bothered him again (like our mom). He is very manipulative, he steals stuff straight out of my sister’s and I’s rooms, he lies and he doesn’t listen when someone tells him to stop. He is insanely spoiled and that’s because my mom hasn’t messed up with him like she has with my sister and I. I honestly don’t know what to do, although I only have 2 years left until I can be free, I really don’t know what to do. Sorry for the rant, but it was inspired of the action of my mother today. After studying for over 3 hours I wanted to take a break so I was watching a YouTube video (literally only 4 minutes into the first and only video) when she came in and started screaming about how lazy I was and how I only watch videos all-day. That same day my brother only watched videos and played games when he has a project 3 weeks overdue. I don’t have access to any social media or streaming platforms, my phone was destroyed and the only thing I can do for fun is drawing and that’s it. I am going insane living here with literally nothing to do except study. Honestly what I am asking for is tips on how to cope with this and how to survive in toxic environments. I do not need help from CPS, they have came twice and it made things worse. I honestly just want tips and a place to rant. Sorry for the long message, and thanks for allowing me to finally talk about whats happening.

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Andrea

I’m so sorry for what you are going through .. do you have any friends or a responsible adult you can talk to in confidence? I’m not sure of your age but if your at school/college is there a counsellor there you could talk to ?
If in the meantime you can concentrate on your studies this will help with your future. Think of what that looks like and focus on this. Your education will be a passport to a new future whereby you may be able to leave to go into further education away from home or a job that allows you to move. Maybe you could get a part time job to fit around your studies which would take you out of the house and maybe save some money. Keeping a low profile, studying and focusing on when your able to leave may help you get through things. Good luck and stay strong .. also learning to meditate may help.xx

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AM

Dear Tired,
I am also so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are smart, strong, and brave. Andrea provided excellent advice. To cope, keep drawing. Other ideas are reading good books, journaling (if you can keep it private or destroy it), music (listening, singing, or even just humming), physical exercise (maybe dancing) affirmations (telling yourself you are strong, you are a survivor, you are smart, you will be fine, any positive messages you’d like to hear). Can you get outside for walks? Also, keeping in touch with friends as much as possible. Wishing you some peace and know that one day you will be free of this situation.

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Sue

I’m so glad that you recognise this as narcissm and narcissist enabling. I would say read up on books that focus on healing from narcissm…when you get the chance! But above all learn to meditate, particularly for a few minutes at a time. It is hard for us from toxic environments to do, because we are hard wired to be alert for danger, try to right the wrongs etc…but keep practising. Most of the teachings suggest best to do in an upright position, but in an oppressive environment you can do last thing at night and first thing in the morning in bed, so no one knows. You are so not alone x

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AAAA

I live in an asian household where my mother manipulates, tells me how worthless i am and humiliates me in front of many without any second thoughts, Everyday i’m always reminded that i am nowhere near my sibling’s achievements and how i am such a disgrace in the family. i wake up with her yelling at me just because i need to do chores for them and that everyone in the family except me needs to rest (i’m the youngest). My older brother also treats me badly and i know for a fact that i’m not doing anything wrong i dont have any vices i only have 2 close friends and i’m trying my best to impress them. I cry myself to sleep and i honestly feel like i can talk to my dead father more than i can communicate with them. I have a boyfriend who listens to when i feel depressed but most of the time i dont tell him everything just because i also dont want him to feel like he can’t handle a sad woman like me and leave. I feel like i’m inside a dark box just waiting for a light of hope. Just a while ago i was just sitting in the corner minding my own business my mom told me that no oppurtunities will come to me and i’m just useless and believe me when i say i’m not even doing anything 🙁 sometimes i just want someone to talk to without any judgement and would just hug me while i let everything out because my heart is breaking and aching everyday. When i was in my mom’s tummy i was an unwanted baby and she thought of aborting me but luckily i was strong enough to survive so maybe just maybe i really do have a purpose in life and maybe just maybe i am not worthless as they told me that i am. I promise myself that when im financially stable i’ll be able to seek professional help and make my heart happy again 🙁

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Jacqueline

Dear AAAA,

You are so very brave and I believe that your life absolutely does matter. Almost always people who try to shame you have personal issues themselves. My mother has always been mentally and emotionally abusive, and it has been hard. One of the greatest gifts I have received in life is this difficult relationship with her. It has grounded me and brought me closer to the Lord. It has been painful, but I am realizing as I age that we can rewrite our story. It does not have to end the way they say it does. You have every opportunity to change it. You have to dig deep inside of yourself, and believe you can. It takes time, and do not expect this to happen overnight. Take small steps; baby steps if needed. You WILL arrive one day. Don’t give up! You have too much to offer. God always has special plans for us. Abuse is so very difficult because it makes a person feel empty inside. It is hard to understand it. I also have learned that trying to figure out why they do it is just spinning your wheels. They are broken, and they end up breaking us. I do think when you can get counseling, it will help so much. Just know that were created for a reason. You were created out of love and you will return to love. I do encourage you to take walks. Nature and fresh air does wonders for your mental state. Don’t think…oh what is wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with you. Always dust yourself off and keep getting up just one more time. Look forward to letting this ending be the way YOU want it, and not what someone else wants for you. I am truly sorry for your pain. When you look into the mirror; see what God created you to be. A beautiful girl with beautiful eyes and mirrors do not lie! Abuse makes can make you feel worthless. You did not do anything to deserve this treatment. Love yourself & believe in yourself. Many blessings and love to you. It will be ok. Keep telling yourself not only will you be ok, but you will rewrite your story the way you would like for it to end. Honestly, Jesus has been the one time and time again that has given me the strength to move forward. You can not have faith and fear. They always seem to cancel each other out. You can do this & make it. I am glad you can reach out, because that part of healing. Take care!

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Anonymous

I have just realized that my mom has been emotionally abusive towards me. Everytime i would tell myself that “mothers are like this, their voices needs to be heard like this” but no i was wrong, the insults, the criticism, the comparison (she compares me to her for what she has achieved and i have not, what she has and what i dont have), the silent treatment for months, and mind you, im her only child and we stay just the 2 of us. This has been going on for years, i stay in the bedroom most of my time unless i go out for a walk to meet my cousin or friend. She even make fun of me for staying in the bedroom. Im writing this with teary eyes. I sometimes scared to make food for myself because when she argues with me she tells me that she’s the one who buys food and that me i dont have a job but my peers have jobs. This has pressed me long enough and i need my freedom, i need to be happy. When we are not fighting my mom is loving and caring but you could see that she feels like im burden to her, yoy could see that she doesn’t want me around but when im not around she wants me back telling me she misses me. I dont know man im confused. Im sorry for writing such a long comment. When im not around i also feel guilty for leaving my mom as she is old and i do most of the things in the house so who will do those things for her when im not around. This emotional abuse has cost me a lot of things. When im in a relationship i also emotional abuse my partner, silent treatment, criticism and stuff just like what my mom does to me. I need to break from this chain, but how?

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Shaun

I’m literally in tears reading this because I went threw the same exact thing growing up I’m 34 years old now and I have one older brother that lives in another state so it’s just me and my mother, I check on her once a every three week because she’s still mentally abuses me I don’t think she notice but when I try to explain to her she over talks me or mock me I just moved out a year ago because I couldn’t take it anymore and she also made me feel guilty for moving out saying my part of the rent is her gambling money. She definitely tries to control my life but I don’t let her you have to start somewhere try going to the gym and reading and remind yourself whatever she tells you, you are not that you are better.

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Alan C

I am 44 mate. And only two nights ago mum and her husband actually began hitting me in the carport because I told them a few home truths. I now have a broken rib and a bruised arm. Unfortunately I defended myself so I didn’t come off second best but the relationship is now over. I am sick of the control and the manipulation from her narcissism.

take care mate and know you are worth it. they are not

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Feeling guilty

This is such a painful issue. I’m getting towards 30 & the attitude of unkindness / insults / dismissal / neglect / etc from my mother during childhood (& now) STILL gets to me & I want to be free of it.

I can’t even explain emotional abuse properly because it’s so raw but it just defeats you so much as a person.

But she was widowed 6 years ago. We both have depression, anxiety. My dad was pretty loving to me but their relationship was mutually bad. But he died from cancer……

I feel like I need to look after her. So I visit her once a week & pretending to be happy & normal & doting & doing anything I can to make her love me.

She’s had 13 years to understand that i’m trans. It’s only her & her conservative family that do no accept. My dad’s family, my partner of 10 years, my sibling – everyone else accepts me.

It’s just so hard when you love someone & they love you —- but you’re just a biological possession to them & they’ll never accept the real you no matter what. There’s no closure for the insults & making you feel so unloved all your life. How can you achieve closure with someone who will simply say “I never said that”?

I’m stopping the once-weekly visits but already there’s this huge heartbreak all up in my family since I just did The Confrontation. It is SO HARD. The guilt is IMMENSE.

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Aus_woman33

your wellbeing is the most important thing. Nothing can trump that. I’ve been where you are, many of us have been. This comment thread has been a lifesaver for me in the past, along with many others. Reading your words, I can feel the pain and the sensation of knowing I’ve felt these same feelings albeit for different reasons. You have done a lot of work just to get to this point. The guilt is because of the trauma. Please know this. Your mother has had 6 years of your support since your dad died – that is actually a long time. You are not leaving her in the lurch. I didn’t discover toxic parents / narcissism until I was 31, so you are doing well. Don’t stop now. Be courteous but implement strong boundaries and stick to them. My best tip is to employ a ‘no comment’ mentality to the barrage of insults and comments. Similar to how you’d reply to a journalist who wanted information you didn’t want to give. It might be ‘I’m too busy right now’. Or, ‘I’m not available’. Remember, no is a complete sentence. Your only responsibility is to yourself (and your children if you have any..) Best wishes

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Sandra

I understand you. I have an abusive father, mother and sister. In the Corona lockdown we had a major argument and they hurt me so much that I told all 3 that I want no contact. At the beginning the guilt was immense until I realized: “wait a sec, we are encouraged to end all unhealthy relarionships but the one with your parents should be different?” That is when I realized it is ok to walk away from any unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately I was so miserable afterwards. I couldn’t stop thinking about them. Now I have very seldom contact. Only texts. What freed me (actually in general) that I won’t make any effort to defend myself or explain myself anymore to anyone who is not interested to listen and understand. I only do what feels right. I even managed to not congratulate to my Dad’s birthday. I only tell what feels right for me and keep them on distance. They don’t even know my address anymore. I stay always fair and friendly and only answer what I want to answer and when or if it feels right to answer. I am getting used to not expect anything anymore from them. When they are friendly I’m happy but I remind myself it might be a hook to get me emotionally back in. For the moment, that works best for me. I hope I could help a bit with sharing. Big hug. You are wonderful.

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Keke

I don’t you but listen. I quit my job moved to another state to help my elderly mother. This was on a siblings and my mom’s request. So I moved in her Two bedroom apartment. My mom was abusive when we were growing up. Her being in her 80’s – I didn’t think she could hurt me anymore. She tried to control when I came in the apt(she would put a stick on the door so that I couldn’t enter.) I was 59 by the way. She had memory loss but the doctors could find no evidence of dementia she was diagnosed with bipolar. She would call the police on me and I would have to sleep either in my car or the library in her building. The next day she would apologize or avoid me. That’s how I know she remembered. She would always say she didn’t remember. I was back and forth from a relative house to my moms for a year. The 3rd time the police came she became violent and they told me I had to move out even though I really didn’t have a safe place. So I found another relative. I’m glad I tried helping my mom in her old age even though it set me back- I have no more guilt because I learned that I love her but have learned to love myself more and just because she’s my mom doesn’t give her the right to continue to abuse me. Mental illness or not. And I have learned my limitations. If you’re feeling guilty when they grow frail, do not help move in with them but help while taking care of yourself. So you can love from a distance and show kindness but protect yourself. Don’t wait until you’re my age to find yourself as it relates to parents.

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Jacqui C

Hi there I’m 52 and just had a terrible fall out with my father . He has been this and. Bully for years . I’ve had enough and cut him off . I’m struggling thou, are there any books to help with this ..
I’ve not heard from my mum since

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Gloria

Hi Jacqui there is a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward that you might find helpful

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Lakeisha

Hi,im not really sure if my mom is actually toxic or im the one who idolizes the kind of mom i want in my head.My mom and dad separated when i was 5-6 because my new born sister posed to be a special need child.And my dad’s mom advised him to leave us bc a special need kid would be shameful.So he did leave.We’ve been okay for a while.My moms been providing and doing everything on her own.Recently i just completed high school(Im 17) And my dad’s been trying to get close to me tho i dont actually like him or entertain him.My mom noticed this and has been trying to pull me down by saying how she’d always known that when i grow up id trash everything she’s done for me.That she’s always known that i didnt like her or my sister and that ive always just loved my dad even after everything he’d done to us.That its good she realised this earlier bc she was to put her properties under my name this October but now that her eyes have been opened she wont bc i may give all her assets to my dad and leave her and my sister in the streets struggling(this is bc when my dad left he actually took everything my mom owned and we had to start from zero) I get that she’s been betrayed before but i dont get why she sees me betraying her when i havent really done anything.And i know we’ve almost always been fighting but its recently just been getting out of hand.

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Janet T

My mom abused me in my childhood, she talked down to me, she even talked about me to others. I had a terrible time.
I dated and married men like her over and over. Finally, God blessed me with a wonderful, loving caring supportive husband. It took me a while to interduse him to her because I know how she do. Anyways, she is instantly jealous. Me and my brother had to fi and visit my dad and my mom want to go, for what reason I don’t know cause she don’t even like him, she lied on him saying he
didnt support us and he did all along. Anyways, she called my huaband and tried to convince him to leave me because I had left him behind and that he better keep his eyes and ears open because I was a slick person and if he needed her she would come over to help him. I never knew she would stup so low… My heart hurts, I can’t take this abuse any longer… All I ever done in my life was to help her, taking her abuse, it’s ALWAYS something with her.

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John

I completely understand what you are going through. My mother is very toxic and very angry from issues stemming from things she has experienced in her own life. She can be sweet as pie one minute, and the next, she can be very beliigerent, crass, and judgemental and nasty with her words. I’ve calmly tried to talk to her about this and she flat out refuses to listen. It’s her way or no way. It blows my mind how cruel she can be. It is frustrating and stressful.

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McTurnan Mary Lea

OMG my mother, brother and sister did that to me wjen i got married. It was over fast and i havent dated since

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April

Hi tired. Your parents know that you are financially dependent upon them, and they are taking advantage of that fact. They think that because they brought you into the world they own you, otherwise they would not lay abusive hands on you. I would tell your father… from a safe distance, that it is not okay to assault you. I would remind him that it is illegal. I would tell him that you are saying this to him from a distance because you are afraid of him. I would tell him that if he does this again to you, you will call the cops. Tell him that just because he is bigger than you are does not make it okay for him to hit you. It makes him actually a coward. How would he like it if somebody were bigger and stronger than he and started smacking him around. For sure, he believes he is teaching you by smacking you around. He is only teaching you that somebody who supposedly loves you can also lay abusive hands on you.

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Bea

Hello everyone,
I felt the need to leave a comment. I’m 20 years old now, and I just realized that my mother is toxic for me. I’ve been reading articles about this and it all makes sense. I find it hard to accept that this is a serious problem, I tend to believe that there are people with bigger and more “realistic” problems. So thank you all for sharing your experiences, I know see that this is a real problem, and a big one. My mother never cares about my feelings and often diminishes them or mocks me, even if I’m crying. She always finds a way to put me down, because there’s nothing I do that it’s just good, just ok. Everything is imperfect. I’m never enough. She usually says things like “I’m gonna leave this house”, “you guys only care about me for money” and things like that, just to manipulate us. I’ve tried to understand, but I can’t. I cannot understand why someone would actually want to live and to be like that. I was really happy to leave for college two years ago. I’ve been living my best life (asides the daily controlling video calls she makes every single night, and the neverending weekends at home). The coronavirus situation ended this state of peace that I had in college. I had to spend two months with her, all day long. Fortunately I found a way to be far away with my loving boyfriend, who has helped me a lot with all of this. I know I should tell my mother about this, but I find it useless, since she doesn’t care at all about what I feel. She only cares about what she thinks is right. I’m sick and tired of this. I am not financially independent so I can’t just stop talking to her – and also, my father doesn’t deserve that, neither does my little sister. But I (and also them) don’t deserve to be her boxing bag. No one does. Sometimes I feel like I’ve “raised myself”, even tho I find that idea a little unfair… Fortunately, I’m able to be happy whenever I’m not talking to her, nor thinking about this (during the day). I hope to find a solution for this soon, very soon. No one should have the power to control us, or to even wanting to do that. I don’t care what her intentions are – I’ve had 20 years of this, of suffering alone in silence, of hiding it all inside me. I’m done. This affects me way more that I wanted it to and than it should. I want to put an end to this. I just think maybe that’ll have to wait a few more years, until I’m independent. Coronavirus is not gonna help on that… But well, here I am, here we are. Thank you for making me see that I’m not alone

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GJ

Thank you for sharing. You are so brave, courageous and smart for thinking about this. I’m 29 and I have just recently, in the last couple of years, have come to the realization. I have fled abusive and toxic marriages and romantic relationships. I have 2 kids, one with special needs, and my parents convinced me to move back in with them, quit my job, help them care for my ailing grandmother so they don’t have to. I’m stuck here without a job and the possibility of freedom until after quarantine, also. Maybe even longer, so cutting ties doesn’t work for me now, but I completely understand how you feel. I hope one day you find your freedom and happiness. You sound very strong and bright, don’t let anyone dim you.

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Manthan K

I’m 18. Indian. And I’ve been dealing with something similar with my mother. Trust me, I totally feel what you’re or you must be going through. I feels good that we are not alone here.

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Sandra

Thank you for sharing your story. I have a father like your Mum. It’s such a tradegy but reality. These people haven’t dealt with their pain and give it to others. That is no excuse just an explanation. Both my parents and my sister have been so cold hearted to me that I wonder how people can be like that. It is the most major heartbreak of all. You are blessed with other wonderful people around you and most important, we have different parts in us, the inner child, the inner parents. Imagine yourself as the most caring and loving mum and be it to your inner child every day. I hope that’s a bit helpful. Hug you. We are not alone.

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Adolescence is all about the transition from childhood to adulthood. It can be a confusing time for everyone - not just for our teens but also for the adults who love them. 

Too often, the line between childhood and adulthood can be a blurry one. The expectations of adulthood can come charging at them, but without the freedoms, confidence, or capabilities that adulthood brings. They can feel with such depth and intensity, but without the adult wisdom or experience to make sense of those feelings. 

They’ll be okay, but it might feel wobbly for a while. In the meantime they will look to us for signs of safety and certainty. This doesn’t mean certainty that everything will always be okay - it won’t be - but certainty that they’ll get through, certainty that they are extraordinary, and needed, and that their will be a space and a place in the world that only they can fill.

We might not always feel that certainty. Some days we might ache, and wish we could make their world feel softer for a while. In those times, it will be less about what you do and more about who you are - being the one who can be with them without needing them to be different, the one who can handle any of their hurts or heartaches with gentle, certain hands, the one who can block out the world for a while by letting them rest in our care without needing them to be, or do, or give anything back in return.♥️
For our children, we start building the foundations for adolescence in their earliest years - the relationship we’ll have with them, who they are going to be, how they are going to be. One of the things we’ll want to build is their capacity to know their own minds and be brave enough to use it. This isn’t easy, even for adults, so the more practice we give them, the more they’ll be able to access their strong, brave, beautiful minds when they need to - when we aren’t there.

This means letting them have a say when we can, asking their opinions, and letting them disagree.

When kids and teens argue, they’re communicating. We need to listen, but the need won’t always be obvious. When littles argue because it’s spaghetti for dinner and ‘I hate spaghetti so much’ (even though last week and the 5 years before last week, spaghetti was their favourite), they might be expressing a need for sleep, power and influence, or independence. All are valid. When your teen argues because they want to do something you’ve said no to, the need might be to preserve their felt sense of inclusion with their tribe, or independence from you. Again, all valid. 

Of course, a valid need doesn’t mean it will always be met. Sometimes our needs might need to take priority to theirs, such as our need to keep them safe, or for them to learn that they can still be okay if everything doesn’t go their way, or that sometimes people will have conflicting needs that need to take priority. What’s important is letting them know we hear them and we get it.

It’s going to take time for kids to learn how to argue and express themselves respectfully. In the meantime, the words might be clumsy, loud, angry. This is when we need to hold on to ourselves, meet them where they are, let them know we hear them, and step into our leadership presence. We might give them what they need because it makes sense and because there isn’t enough reason not to. Sometimes, after giving them space to be heard we’ll need to stand our ground. Other times we might solve the problem collaboratively: This is what you want. This is what I want. Let’s talk about how we can we both get what we need.♥️
Anxiety will always tilt our focus to the risks, often at the expense of the very real rewards. It does this to keep us safe. We’re more likely to run into trouble if we miss the potential risks than if we miss the potential gains. 

This means that anxiety will swell just as much in reaction to a real life-threat, as it will to the things that might cause heartache (feels awful, but not life-threatening), but which will more likely come with great rewards. Wholehearted living means actively shifting our awareness to what we have to gain by taking a safe risk. 

Sometimes staying safe will be the exactly right thing to do, but sometimes we need to fight for that important or meaningful thing by hushing the noise of anxiety and moving bravely forward. 

When children or teens are on the edge of brave, but anxiety is pushing them back, ask, ‘But what would it be like if you could?’ ♥️

#parenting #parent #mindfulparenting #childanxiety #positiveparenting #heywarrior #heyawesome
Except I don’t do hungry me or tired me or intolerant me, as, you know … intolerably. Most of the time. Sometimes.
Growth doesn’t always announce itself in ways that feel safe or invited. Often, it can leave us exhausted and confused and with dirt in our pores from the fury of the battle. It is this way for all of us, our children too. 

The truth of it all is that we are all born with a profound and immense capacity to rise through challenges, changes and heartache. There is something else we are born with too, and it is the capacity to add softness, strength, and safety for each other when the movement towards growth feels too big. Not always by finding the answer, but by being it - just by being - safe, warm, vulnerable, real. As it turns out, sometimes, this is the richest source of growth for all of us.

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