Toxic People: 12 Things They Do and How to Deal with Them

The 12 Things Toxic People Do and How to Deal With Them

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

  1. They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.

    They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough  to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

    Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.

  1. They’ll manipulate.

    If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’

    You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.

  2. They won’t own their feelings.

    Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’

    You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

  3. They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

    They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama.  ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’  The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

  4. They never apologise. 

    They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.

    People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

  5. They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

    They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

  6. They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.

    They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

  7. They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

    The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

  8. They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

    When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.

  9. They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

    You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

  10. They exaggerate.

    ‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

  11. They are judgemental.

    We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.

2,524 Comments

Busterdump

Sound like it’s time to move on. Toxic people find it very hard to change. I rather think they enjoy dishing out the pain. I live with a wife that is much younger than me. Most of the time we get along great but then there are those moments where, for no reason at all, she’s of the tracks and she’s mad at everything in her life but doesn’t seem to see the anguish she is causing. I love her very much and I’ve found I have to separate myself from her temporarily. Then, she will be like, ‘Why don’t you want to spend time with me???’ It’s so obvious and she just doesn’t get it. I can’t really say anything because she refuses to take responsibility for her misdirections and she turns it into being my fault. Oh well –

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Michael C

Well, I see my family is not the only one that is toxic. Maybe a support group for people who have toxic families should be founded. Mine is one that I had to move on from. I am not a very religious person but I do believe in God. I try not to judge but I am pretty sure if there is a hell both of my sisters will end up there when they pass away. Lies, lies and more lies – manipulating my mother and getting money from her estate before she passed away, then lying about it to me. Those are very serious issues. I always thought my mother was smarter than that. When your own offspring does that to you, that is pretty bad. Rest in peace ma. Sorry, but you were played, and you were played really bad.

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Audrey

Whenever anyone belittles you they are manipulating you to conform to the way they want you!!! Stop, drop, roll out the door! You are not a doormat. This will be your life if you don’t stop 🛑 it now. Experience.

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Faith

Reading this really lifted a burden off my shoulders. It took me more than 10 years to realize that I am not crazy or a bad person. For the longest time, I questioned my sanity and why I was always wrong. My ex of more than 15 years was the king of toxicity. At first I thought he loved me but later I realized that he just used me to boost his ego and finances. He’d hit me, gaslight, take my money, was careless with my stuff, and whenever I complained, he said he didn’t like the tone I used and would call me disrespectful. This write up explains my experience perfectly, I went through a lot but I’m grateful I left when I did. It’s been 8 months (yesterday) and he’s still having a hard time accepting that he doesn’t have control over me anymore – but I’m never looking back.

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Heather

Why are you staying in this relationship? What upside is there for you? Are you just afraid to be alone? Because what you say has gone way beyond the typical arguments every couple has occasionally, or better yet, rarely. You already know this isn’t healthy. The answer doesn’t lie with him. You are the one deciding to stay, so ask yourself why?

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Lis

I just realised after reading this that I might be the toxic person without realising.

I do these small things sometimes and so does my partner but after reading them, I really connect because I don’t take time to think about it from his perspective. After reading this, I have realised I do all these things – not to the extreme described but to an extent.

I bring things up from the past to compare his actions to mine. I’ll bring things up to hurt him and then I will shut the conversation down. I bring things up from the past that we have already talked about and sometimes if I want to be angry at him and in a bad mood, I will start an argument so I put him in a bad mood too – not a really bad argument, just small things to make him annoyed. I know I am doing this and I have already told him but I don’t know why I need to bring others down when I am down. It really frustrates me because normally I am a lovely, kind person.

The truth is, I was never this person before I met him. I’m not blaming my boyfriend but we have done things and talked about things that couples shouldn’t. Talked in depth with ex’s, shown photos/videos of ex’s. I’ve seen naked pictures and videos on his hard drive of his ex’s and I think to myself, ‘Why can’t he do that for me? Why doesn’t he have the desire to take those kind of videos/photos for me?’. I am constantly comparing myself to his ex and for what? Each couple is different but I feel like I am not the person he wants. I feel like he wants someone like his ex and I am an easy, safe option who he says he loves but there is no passion there.

There is no passion in our sex unless we are high, no passion in our conversation unless we are high, no passion in our evening. He falls asleep at 10pm every night. I wake him up, we stumble to bed and then we wake up and go to work. The sex and intimacy is only there with the drink and drugs.

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anonymous

No this is not normal, it is straight-up abuse. That is what a lot of toxic people do: they blow up, say and do horrible things, then later when they are calm they say, “Oh, I was just upset, I was heated, I didn’t mean it.” Then they make it your fault that they were upset. It is all BS. It is not your fault that they were upset. It is not your fault they said and did terrible things. And, YES, they DID mean it.

They use “being upset” as a way to get away with venting the truth of what they actually feel, but without having to deal with any of the consequences for saying the truth. It’s like if you thought a person smelled really bad and desperately wanted to tell them but couldn’t because it wouldn’t be polite. So instead of telling them, you wait until they do a minor thing you don’t like and use that as an excuse to blow up and “get upset” even though it’s not really something worth getting upset about. But you are desperate to get it off your chest that you think they smell bad. So, when you’ve worked up the whole situation, you yell at them, “You smell horrible! I can’t stand to be near you, you disgusting piece of trash!” Now that you got it off your chest and are sure you have made them permanently insecure about their body odor, you “calm down” and tell them, “Oh I was just upset, I didn’t mean it.” Yes you did mean it, but you can’t admit that because it would mean the person would break up with you and you are not ready to give up all the benefits of being in the relationship, even if you do hate their body odor. It’s all manipulation and abuse. End the relationship as soon as possible. People like this do not change.

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Jane P

No, it is not part of a normal relationship. The most sensible thing to do would be to leave him, unless you wish to experience further emotional abuse.

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Suffering Steve

Hi. Thanks for publishing this article. Unfortunately, I have three kids with a woman who has all these characteristics. The worse thing is the only people who know she is like this is me and my kids and her mother and sister. As her mother and sisters (father now passed) have allowed her to get away with this behavior all her life she thinks it’s perfectly fine.

She has done such bad things and I have let her get away with it due to wanting the kids not to end up in a broken family. I have physically and verbally take her abuse even when I am right and have done nothing wrong. I am living in a horror movie. She slanders me to all her friends and work colleagues. The craziest thing is she has a big online following who thinks the sun shines out of her backside. Once I questioned her about someone she was speaking to and she called the police on me, telling them I was attacking her. She will abuse me for months if any of the kids and I stay quiet.

If one day I react because I can’t take it anymore she will be recording me and send it to her friends and family. I have been told to record her but the things she says are so hurtful that as a man I feel like I’m weak for recording the abuse and I don’t want to even listen back to them. They are so hurtful.

She has never apologised when she has been wrong but I will apologise to keep the peace. We are finally going through a divorce and she has convinced everyone I am the worse person on the planet but the only people who know her real character and what she has done to me are my kids. When she was shooting a live on social media one of my kids said no one online knows what she is really like.

Another time she used to have secret conversations with someone and I asked her who she was speaking to and she called the police to say I was attacking her. I didn’t attack her and when the police came they believed her and took me in even though they were no injuries. They thought I was on edge, but I was in shock. She once threw a mobile phone at my head over an argument. I was in pain and went to bed. She then woke me up at 2am swearing at me and when I tried to leave the bedroom she blocked the door and kept pushing me and hitting me. I then lost it as she wouldn’t let me pass through and a grabbed her an threw her aside while I said a few nasty words to her. Somehow the following day she had an audio of the recording. Not of her but my bit. I couldn’t work out how she did it. But I now know she has been trying to get rid of me for ages.

I honestly don’t deserve it and neither do my kids. I can’t believe I have got myself in this situation and I wish I was careful. She was divorced before and was also telling me how bad her ex husband was to her and I believed her. I honestly don’t believe he was a bad person because now she is doing the same to me.

For those with faith please pray for me and my kids to get out of this situation. She is going to drag the divorce through the courts as she says I should not get any of the share of property. I run my own business and she has at times really effected my ability to work. I was a confident, charming and good looking man but this experience has made a shell of the man I used to be. She is so manipulative and everyone believes her because she comes across like such a good actress. I just don’t have the energy to try to tell people she has literally worn me down. I haven’t badmouthed her at all and have suffered in silence because I feel ashamed of what I am going through as a man. This is the first time I have opened up about my situation. Please pray for me. I can’t take it anymore but will do everything to get out of this amicably and be there for my kids.

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AWA

I’m praying for you. I totally understand what you’re going through. As long as you have your kids and God on your side, that’s all that matters.

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Jim V C

Avoid this man and run away from him like he has the plague! There is not any room in your life to have to deal with someone who has such low esteem for you or for others. Keep in mind that your safety is of utter importance.

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Jim V C

Greetings, all. I am a retired school teacher and I began teaching online with a company. Admittedly, I knew very little about online instruction. As I began to teach, I soon learned the nuances of the position and its requirements. Soon, a supervisor appeared, a woman in her mid 70’s, known as Joette, who immediately began to bark out orders to me, like to make sure each student is to answer questions in full sentences, that I speak with each student beginning with their first name, etc.

Each of these requests seemed reasonable and I followed them, knowing that I am on a yearly contract which afforded little to no protection for the next school year’s contract. As time went on, our bi-monthly Zoom meetings were reduced to one a month then suddenly, to none. I followed the company’s curriculum which included pre determined lesson plans like slides, videos, etc. Going back to my thesis sentence, I knew little about online instruction and many teachers were experienced at such, adding in various topics and additional work. When I did not do so because of my lack of knowledge, I was met by Joette with a barrage of negative reviews and outright harassment. She even once took a screen shot of of one of my classes that she was observing and pointed out to me that all I do is show slides (remember, that was the curriculum that was established for me to use!).

As the end of the school year approached, even though the last Zoom conference I had with her seemed positive, I was not recommended for a contract for next year. Stunned, confused, and even heartbroken, I looked into why such a decision would have been made. I looked back into Joette’s actions towards me throughout the year and it was easy to determine just how toxic of a woman she was. What’s even more confusing is the company’s acceptance of her glib responses to my interest in how well I was progressing in my class. Wow, what a life learning lesson this was for me. I really pray that Joette finds the help that she needs to in order to break away from her toxic personality. Thank you.

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Jane

My Mother is very toxic and we feel is getting worse. She craves apologies, has done for years. We give in and apologise when we have no reason to, but she then complains they are not sincere enough. We feel it’s a form of control. We had it for 20 years about our grandmother. Since she passed away the attention has moved to my brother. She is brainwashing our father into hating him because his apology is not good enough. We are at our wit’s end.

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Blue

No this is not normal. Pls get out of this toxic relationship. You will meet someone who will never make you feel how you feel how you are feeling now.

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C

No, it is not fine. Trust me, it gets only worse and he may physically abuse you as well. This kind of behaviour is never your fault. They are extremely toxic.

I’m currently in on/off relationship with a guy, who is mentally and verbally very abusive towards me via texts and in person, and when I block him, he starts calling me from unknown number and threatening me. He is extremely jealous of me even while we are “off” but when we were together he cheated on me with several girls. No apology, no nothing. But when I got sexually assaulted, he lashed out completely saying that it’s my fault since I’m slut.

Other side of him is extremely sweet and caring. He seems to really care about me, is not afraid to hold my hand, kiss me in public or say that he loves me. He says he is always there for me and sees his future with me. He is a charismatic guy as well, a smooth talker.

Despite all that, I always forgive him when we meet “be accident”. So I know how hard it can be to get rid of toxic relationships. It is not easy. They always manage to convince (falsely) that they have changed. I have tried to get away from him six times now. Those sweet words mean nothing. They just manipulate you and they are willing to go great lengths to hook you with their lies. You just end up feeling like you owe something to them after that. They won’t respect your boundaries and in the end you will just feel like you are the problem.

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Moaning Mini

My husband is the sweetest, kindest person you could ever wish to meet, and will do anything for anyone – at the detriment of his own family at times. My problem is that he gets really nasty if I do my daughter any favours. She is to my first marriage and my husband and I share a daughter together. I am in a position now where anything that I like doing, or want to do is met with a bad atmosphere and a feeling of guilt that I have done something wrong. I can only guess that he doesn’t want anyone liking me more than they like him. I’ve been with him 21 years and he has always been the same but it feels that the bad is outweighing the good recently.

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Mele L

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on toxic people! It’s easy to become overwhelmed when we’re in the orbit of such negative energy but, as you said, it is possible to protect ourselves by setting boundaries and distance. It’s important to remember that our emotional well-being is a priority, and that’s something we need to protect.

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Ivy G

Hi KK

It sounds like the man you are with lacks emotional intelligence.

He is also emotionally immature and abusive to you. You need to ask yourself why you are even associated with someone who behaves this way. It is not love; it is abuse.

My advice would be to end this relationship asap.

You deserve to be loved and respected in all relationships. Don’t waste your time with anyone that mistreats you.

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Katherine P

I have a fiance of 4 years and I’ve decided I’m done with the addiction issues. It’s only been 6 days and he is making every step to come back into my life. Do I tell him flat out that I’m done? He is emotionally mentally unstable and I’m worried he will do something drastic if I kick him to the curb harshly. I have not been happy for months. Intimacy is ruined and my life revolves around anxiety and stress.

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A Knight

This is absolute domestic violence. Don’t ever let anyone say that to you or blame you for their poor choices. Leave before it’s too late.

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A Knight

These behaviors are very present in those with a mental health disorder, usually never formally diagnosed. It’s common with personality disorder, histrionic, narcissist, etc. I was raised by this person, all 12 in one! I learned to duck and hide as much as I could. It damages you in so many ways. Reading it I was scared I may do these so I’m glad to find this. I never want to be this person. But my mom already taught these to my kids. They disrespect me and all I’ve ever done has been for them. It’s all coming to a head now. I just hope other people read this and stop their own behaviors, get rid of the toxic people in their lives, or help them if you can’t. At church we were told a story about a dog getting hit, trying to bite the owner as they helped it. Difficult people are like that dog, in pain inside, lashing out at everyone. But there’s a difference when they become toxic. Say goodbye before it’s too late.

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Amos H

Don’t worry gal. You’re not the culprit here. You’re the hero. Put this in the proper perspective. Don’t let them force the blame on you for their disgusting actions. Leave them to their own misery. If you take the blame you’re just reinforcing their belief that their actions are ok and that they can keep doing it. Your obligation is not to them. You’re obligation is to protect your boyfriend from these sharks. Let them look elsewhere for their entertainment.

If they think that you and your boyfriend are dog food for them, what does that say about them? If they want a piece of you, just put some arsenic in it and let them have it. If they wind up with a bellyache and are looking for someone to blame they can surely find a mirror somewhere. There’s too many important things to think about to waste time on them. Let them pay their own dues. That’s not your job. Take care, Stay out of shark infested waters.

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EHD

I have a toxic sibling who is really bad tempered around me but acts like a nice normal person around other people. In private she can’t even plug a charger cord into her phone witbout shouting profanity in a vehement tone. Daily tasks like making coffee for herself or walking through the house leads to loud angry cussing. She always swears in an ugly tone of voice to communicate the fact that words are insufficient to express her hatred and resentment.

I hate being in the car with her because of her road rage. She often feels disrespected by complete strangers on the road so she takes it out on me by verbal tantrums. If I ever talk back while she is in a temper, she tells her friends, co-workers, and mutual aquaintances that I abuse her because I have a bad opinion of her behavior.

The other day, while I was putting away groceries in a parking lot and my sister opened the passenger door pf the car to put something inside. Then for some inexplicable reason, she yelled a vehement “f***ing s***!” A man walking past peeked into the back of the car to try to see who yelled it. That’s when I realized I’ve never heard anyone yelling like that in public before. I’ve known people who regularly insert the f-word into every sentence but that’s not offensive because it’s not meant to be personal. The way the stranger reacted to my sister’s swearing made me realize she is really inappropriate and probably has a mental problem. I shouldn’t have to tolerate behavior that is not appropriate around others people. She is a person you wouldn’t want around your kids. And her friends who sympathize with her when I get mad at her for yelling at me are enabling a psychological problem and making things worse.

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Michael Y

There’s absolutely no time to keep on keeping him by your side. He is completely toxic and anything toxic contains harmful characteristics. Kindly leave him in peace and accept him back no more.

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Ginger

This is not normal relationship behavior at all. None of these behaviors are acceptable. I would agree to kick him to the curb. Don’t tolerate his slights, or just outright bashing! of you anymore. You deserve much more than this and don’t let him try to convince you otherwise. It’s not easy to just leave, but trust me, you will be glad you did in no time. And will probably feel a huge sense of relief once you have.

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Lona

I want to know if I am toxic or my bf. We have been dating for a year now but in the beginning it started with a fling. I was dating someone else but then I broke up and started dating my current bf. However my ex was also my best friend from childhood, so I still wanted to be friends with him. My current bf found out that I was still talking to him. Ever since he had trust issues with me. Other than that, he is the best in everything but whenever we fight he tends to bring that up and pin everything on me. He doesn’t trust me at all, goes through my phone asks for password, and doesn’t let me make guy friends. Am I responsible for his behaviour? Should I break up with him? I live with him and I don’t want any other guy than him, even then he doesn’t trust me and disrespects me when we argue. Now he has promised me we will start over. Is it worth a shot?

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Angel

Dump his ass while you still have a chance. He’s gonna damage you emotionally and mentally and he won’t stop until you personally stop his nonsense.

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Gaynor

Completely agree with Curtis. No one has the right to treat you like this. Dump him.

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Pam

No way. This IS abuse. If you were important to him he would not cheat on you or talk to you that way.

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Nora B

I know how it feels, believe me it won’t change unless you guys cut them off for a while at least to let them realize that they’re really unbearable.
Your husband needs to stand firm and never accept any bad behavior from them, always talk as “we think” , we , we ,we, so they realize that thier boy is a man now and he must be respected and that they have to respect you as his wife…
Never ever let them decide for you , even the smallest unimportant things
Always show them that you guys would never accept such behaviors
You have to be cruel sometimes 💔 cuz thru never get other way
I spent so much time with my in laws trying to please them, they always were ungrateful and wanted more
When I was done and said no they went crazy but we fought
And now they are calmer and they show respect for my husband and our family
The traumas I have feels like the will never go away
But at least no more nonsense is happening…
Wish you ease , never get tired of fighting for your peace
You need to be calm and rest
Your condition can get worse with all the tension
Stay blessed

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The point of any ‘discipline’ is to teach, not to punish. (‘Disciple’ means student, follower, learner.)

Children don’t learn through punishment. They comply through punishment, but the mechanism is control and fear. 

The problem with this, is that the goal becomes avoiding us when things go wrong, rather than seeking us out. We can’t influence them if we’ve taught them to keep their messes hidden from us. 

We can’t guide our kiddos if they aren’t open to us, and they won’t be open to us if they are scared of what we will do. 

We all have an instinctive need to stay relationally safe. This means feeling free from rejection, shame, humiliation. The problem with traditional discipline is that it rejects and judges the child, rather than the behaviour. 

Hold them close, reject their behaviour. 

This makes it more likely that they will turn toward us instead of away from us. It opens the way for us to guide, lead, teach. It makes it safe for them to turn and face what’s happened so they can learn what they might do differently in the future.

Rather than, ‘How do I scare them out of bad behaviour?’ try, ‘How do I help them to do better next time?’ 

Is the way you respond to their messy decisions or behaviour more likely to drive them away from you in critical times or towards you? Let it be towards you.

This doesn’t mean giving a free pass on big behaviour. It means rather than leading through fear and shame, we lead through connection, conversation and education. 

The ‘consequence’ for big behaviour shouldn’t be punishment to make them feel bad, but the repairing of any damage so they can feel the good in who they are. It’s the conversation with you where they turn and face their behaviour. This will always be easier when they feel you loving them, and embracing who they are, even when you reject what they do.♥️
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#parent #parents #mindfulparenting #gentleparenting
Kununurra I’m so excited to be with you tonight. I’ll be giving you super practical ways to strengthen your kiddos and teens against all sorts and all levels of anxiety - big anxiety, little anxiety, anxiety about school, separation, trying new things - all of it. You’ll walk away with things you can do tonight - and I can’t wait! Afterwards we’ll have time for a chat where we can dive into your questions (my favourite part). This is a free event organised by the Parenting Connection WA (I love this organisation so much!). The link for tickets is in my story♥️
Hello Broome! Can’t wait to see you tonight. Tickets still available. The link is in my story. 

Thank you Parenting Connection WA for bringing me here and for the incredible work you do to support and strengthen families.♥️
What a weekend! Thank you Sydney for your open hearts, minds and arms this weekend at @resilientkidsconference. Your energy and warmth were everything.♥️
I LOVE being able to work with early childhood centres and schools. The most meaningful, enduring moments of growth and healing happen on those everyday moments kids have with their everyday adults - parents, carers, teachers. It takes a village doesn’t it.♥️

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