If life ran like a storybook, the person we fall in love would not be the person who broke us. Sadly, we humans tend to be a bit more human than that. We fall in love, we commit, we get hurt – over and over – and we stay. People need people, but sometimes the cost is a heavy one. When it’s a toxic relationship, the breakage can be far-reaching.
Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive. When relationships become loveless, hostile, stingy or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.
A bad relationship isn’t about being on the downward slide of the usual relationship ups and downs. It is one that consistently steals your joy and follows you around with that undeniable clamour that this isn’t how it’s meant to be.
Knowing when to let go.
Sometimes the signs are clear – emotional and physical abuse, constant criticism, lying, cheating, emotional starvation. Sometimes there is nothing outstandingly obvious – it just doesn’t feel right. Perhaps it did once but that ended long ago. The signs might lie in the loneliness, a gentle but constant heartache, a lack of security, connection or intimacy or the distance between you both.
Whatever it involves, there are important needs that stay hungry, for one of both people in the relationship. The relationship exists but that’s all it does, and sometimes barely even that. It doesn’t thrive and it doesn’t nurture. It is maintained, not through love and connection, but through habit.
Sometimes there are circumstances that make leaving difficult. Sometimes though, there’s nothing in your way except you. Some of the signs that you might be addicted to the relationship are:
- You know it’s bad, but you stay.
- You want more for yourself, but you stay.
- There are important needs in you that are so hungry (intimacy, connection, friendship, love, security, respect), and you know in this relationship they’ll stay that way. But you stay.
- You have tried ending the relationship before, but the pain of being on your own always brings you back.
What to do when leaving feels as bad as staying.
Leaving any relationship is difficult. Leaving a bad one isn’t necessarily any easier. The shift from powerless to empowered is a gentle one, but lies in the way you experience the relationship. It often takes as much resourcefulness, energy and strength to stay in a bad relationship as it does to leave. With a shift in mindset, experience and expectation, the resources you use to stay and to blind out the seething hopelessness of it all can be used to propel you forward.
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Be present.
The pull to live in the past (the way it was/ the way I was) or in the future (it will get better – I just need to find the switch) can be spectacular, but the energy to move forward exists fully in the present. It’s always there, but you have to be in the present to access it. To do this, fully experience the relationship as it is, without needing to change it or control it.
This might be scary, particularly if the environment you are in is hostile or lonely, but the only way to be okay with leaving what you have, is to fully experience how broken it is.
No relationship is perfect. All couples fight and hurt each other and say and do things they shouldn’t. That’s a normal part of living and loving together. The problem comes with having to repeatedly live in the past or the future to tolerate the present – the abuse, the harm, the insecurity, the jealousy, the loneliness and the grief of the relationship as it stands – just so that it’s easier to stay.
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Keep track.
Keep a record of how you feel in the relationship, the good and bad. If writing isn’t your thing, take a photo of your face at the same time every day. You’ll see it in your eyes. Photos and journalling will capture the intimate, day to day detail of you in this relationship. Set a time period – weeks or months – and at the end take a look over your photos or your writing. Can you see patterns? What do you notice about the things that hurt you and the things that feel good? The frequency? The intensity? What do you see in the photos? Can you see the life in you? Or has it been drained away. Is this the person you want to be? Or is it a faded, sadder version? This can help to see your experience in the relationship for what it is – stripped of the filters and the softening that comes with time.
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Be aware of what’s happening in your body. It’s trying to tell you something.
The connection between the mind and the body is a powerful one. If you shut down the messages that are coming from your mind, your body will take over. There will be signs in the way you hold yourself, the sensations in your body (heaviness, heartache, tension) and the way it works. Has your body slowed down? Is there physical pain? Does it ache? Does it feel heavy? Restless? Tired? Drained? Do you feel your body withering, scrunched or as though it’s holding back? If your body could speak, what would it want you to know?
Try this exercise:
Finish this sentence:
‘My body is …’ (tired/crumpled/hurting – whatever fits for you)’.
Now, keep your ending but replace the words, ‘My body is’ with ‘I am’ or ‘My life is’.
Notice what happens when you do that.
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How do you avoid the truth?
Notice what you do to shift away from your reality. Are there unhealthy behaviours you do to stop from feeling bad? Or maybe there are healthy beahviours that you do in unhealthy ways?
Try staying with the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Contained in the pain is the wisdom, courage and strength you need to find the happier version of yourself and your life.
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Give it a deadline.
It’s easy to forget how long you’ve been living with what you don’t want, hoping that one day it will be better. Pick your ‘one day’. Let it be six weeks, six months – whatever feels right for you. In that time, give the relationship everything you’ve got. When that ‘one day’ comes, be honest and act from a place of strength, self-respect and self-love. The answer will be in front of you.
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Become selfish.
The way we think about selfishness is broken. Selfishness is about recognising what you need and doing what you can to meet those needs. Sometimes there will be fallout, but there will also be fallout by ignoring what you need and letting the noise shout you down. You matter. What you need matters. It always has. Sometimes that will mean putting yourself first on your list. This is even more important if it is the only list that has you anywhere near the top.
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Be honest about your part.
Is there anything you can do to put the relationship back on track? It takes guts to open up to what you might need to do differently, but it’s important. If you’re not sure, ask your partner. Of course, just because your partner names things he or she would like you to do differently, it for you to decide whether this is a direction you want to move in. If the response is ‘Yeah actually. You can stop asking me where I go at night. K?’ then you can either respond with, ‘Sure baby – it’s totally fine with me if you leave the house smelling like man musk and secrets. Just come home when you feel like it hey. Do you want me to keep dinner for you?’ Or, you can Google, ‘Somewhere I can live without idiots.’
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What’s your role in the relationship?
It’s likely that there will be a rhythm in the relationship that keeps it breathing the way it does. You and your partner will each have a role that keeps each other’s behaviour possible. This in no way means either of you are to blame or that either of you deserve to be treated the way you are. What it means is that over time you would have fallen into a way of being together that makes the dysfunction easier and more tolerable – a healthy adjustment to an unhealthy situation.
It’s common in relationships for one person to be the ‘reacher’ and one to be the ‘retreater’. In healthy relationships, this is balanced or the roles shift around. There’s an easy flexibility. In unhealthy relationships, these roles become polarised. The more someone retreats, the more the other reaches, and this is where the roles become fixed.
Explore your roles. Which one of you is ‘the commitment phobe’, ‘the non-communicator,’ ‘the abuser,’ ‘the critic’, ‘the disinterested one’? And who is ‘the ‘enabler’, ‘the victim,’ ‘the helpless one,’ ‘the reacher’, ‘the rescuer’, ‘the justifier’, ‘the fantasiser’. Try shifting out of your role. This will shift the dynamic and either force change or make the dysfunction all the more glaring – and easier to walk away from.
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Let go of the fantasy.
The fantasy of what could be will keep you stuck. Every time. It could be better – so much better – but just not with this person. How do you know? Because you’ve been trying. And you’re tired. And there’s nothing more to give.
The fantasy stands between you and reality and throws flowers at your feet so you never look up and see things as they are.
The more you fantasise about what could be, the more the reality is embellished and changed into something reasonable. The fantasy will persuade you to hold on for a little longer, and always at the cost of moving forward. Lose the fantasy that things will be different. They won’t be. If you could have lived the fantasy with this relationship, you would have done that by now. Let your fantasy instead be one of all the losers who have ever crossed your path sprawled on the couch, wearing saggy Star Wars underwear as they gaze at your photo, listen to Adele and regret like mad ever losing you, while you eat tacos, listen to Beyonce and not miss them at all. There you go.
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Accept what is.
It’s paradoxical, but the more you can accept where you are, the greater the capacity for change. This will let your decisions be driven by information that’s real and accurate, not a glossed up fairy tale image of what could be. Accept your reality as it is – your relationship, your partner and what it means for you. When you accept the truth, you live the truth. This will expand your courage, strength and capacity to decide whether this relationship is the best option for you – or not. You will have a clarity that will propel you forward, whatever that might mean for you.
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Fight for you.
You have to fight for the things you love and the things you believe in, but one of those things has to be you. What would you say to someone you love who was feeling the pain or the deadness that you are feeling? Inside you is more courage and strength than you will ever need. You are a queen, a king, a fighter, a warrior, you are powerful and beautiful and everything good in the world – and you deserve to be happy. But first, you might have to fight for it. Fight for you the way you would fight for anyone you love – fiercely, boldly, bravely.
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Stop making excuses.
Be honest.What do you want from this relationship? Have you ever had it? How different is what you want from what you have? And how long has it been this way? If you are loved, it feels like love. Even in the midst of a storm, a loving relationship still feels loving. Despite the stress, the exhaustion, the things you do or say – a loving relationship has an undercurrent of safety, security and respect, even when times are tough. If it doesn’t feel good for you, it’s not.
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Replace ‘can’t leave’ with ‘won’t leave’.
Claim back your power by replacing ‘can’t leave‘ with ‘won’t leave‘. Sometimes circumstances mean that it’s difficult to leave. Whatever you choose to do, do it from a place of strength, not from a place of helplessness. If you stay, let it be because you have made the decision that this is the best option for you at this moment in time, not because somebody has claimed ownership of your life. Keep your power and your independence of mind, whatever is going on around you. There’s only one of you and you’re too important to let yourself fade into circumstance or the manipulation.
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Not making a decision is making a decision.
You might decide to put off making a decision, to give it some time. Make no mistake, this is making a decision – to stay. Own your decision and experience fully what that decision means for you. Don’t live on the outskirts of your reality by claiming to be somewhere in between committing to the relationship and leaving it. You’re one or the other. In it or out of it. Claiming indecision might feel okay in the short term, but in the long term it will just keep you stuck, without the energy you need to move closer to what will be healthier for you.
And finally …
If the relationship feels bad, then it’s bad for you. That’s the only truth that matters. Fight hard to keep your relationship intact, but when there is no fight left, the truth will be staring you down like a hunted thing.
All relationships will go through make it or break it times, but healthy relationships recover. They grow closer and become stronger and more resilient. Relationships have a limited amount of resources available – emotional, physical, financial. Sometimes the relationship will be barreled around by a storm and this might use up a vast chunk of the resources that have been banked over time. If the relationship is healthy, it will only be a matter of time before this is topped up. If it isn’t, it will shrivel up from lack of nourishment and eventually die.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but be mindful of your reasons. Sometimes the bravest, most difficult, and most life-changing things lie not in what we do, but in what we stop doing.
I was in a toxic relationship for 12 years married for 6 years and divorced in 2006. We have 3 children together. Divorcing him was the best decision I ever made. After the divorce I met someone else and ended up in another toxic relationship we’ve been together now for 12 years. Not married, no kids together.. I’ve tried many times to leave this toxic relationship but he won’t leave me alone. He is a emotional,mental abuser. He also has anger fits when things aren’t going his way or if certain things are bother him. He is a narcissist and bi-polar. He uses self pity and suicide words when I want to leave the relationship. He has physically abused me in the past and been arrested on many occasions over the past 12 years. I feel like a prisoner in my own home, because emotionally and mentally I’m a wreck not because I can’t leave my home but because I feel helpless and so depressed due to my situation! I have a job so I’m not fully dependant on him. But recently I’ve been on sick leave cause my health is deteriorating. Right now I’m focusing my energy on my health and taking the necessary steps to becoming better for myself and my kids who are now 22,20,16 years old. I know that this toxic relationship is not good for me and I wish it was easy to just walk way from him. I left my ex husband of 12 years and I know I can do it again with this relationship. But I feel so empty inside and I have low self esteem from the damage done to me all these years. A part of me is afraid to leave cause of the consequences that may occur. My family is aware of my situation but I choose to not involve them. I feel trapped inside,and my insecurities and fear is keeping me from leaving him. Sometimes I feel the only way out of this is being with god, but then again I feel it’s selfish of me to think that way cause my kids need me and my pets. All I want is to live a happy healthy lifestyle, free of negativity. I need the courage to walk away and allow myself to be alone so I can rebuild my life all over again. I wish it were that easy!
Believe in your true worth and how very important you are to your children too! I was at the ground floor of depression’s grip, very close to suicide, decades ago when my former husband left. I had a young child (under 4) and felt completely adrift. Fast forward and my young child is now a mother with beautiful children and I’m so grateful I got help and learned to keep living, despite the pain of a great loss. Sadly, I’m in a challenging situation. I’ve attempted leaving 2x in earnest yet came back when my spouse “promised” to get help. I’m facing the fear of me getting so depressed again but that may not even happen! It is so hard to leave a bad situation and I’m so glad you shared your truth here. Thank you!
Thank you for this article, it was an eye opener for me and very encouraging.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 months now, 4 months which transformed me from a happy and content woman to a depressed, crying all the time one. Sometimes I am so filled with anxiety that I can go almost a day having difficulty breathing and experiencing chest pains, I don’t want to get out of bed and I have no desire to do absolutely anything. I force myself to go to work, where my customers ask me what is wrong and I have to lie that I’m tired or sick. I am 44 with 2 grown wonderful children, yet this relationship has reduced me to a crying heap. I cry at home, I cry at work, I cry in my car… I can’t cry in front of him though because he says that I’m weak. I only see him when he “has time”, sometimes once every 2 weeks and sometimes it’s only for an hour. If I ask for any other time, even if it’s just half an hour, he gets annoyed, because “he has to eat, sleep, do laundry”. Yet he’ll spend a day helping a friend move or stay up to drive a coworker home, the same female coworker he was going to go to a drive-in theatre with…
When I was upset that he drove her once again, all I needed was a reassurance that he loves me, but instead he got mad and now only texts me if I text him. I feel like I’m not a priority for him, I feel like he doesn’t care for my needs as a woman and I feel like I’m the only one that makes an effort in this relationship. I am very embarrassed to have scooped down so low and I don’t want to continue this but I’m also afraid to end it. Reading your article and all the comments made me realize I’m not alone and I see hope in the future.
Dear BobbiCancel, He isn’t worth your tears. If he wanted a relationship with you, you would be in one. Be glad he doesn’t. Hes a dick and more than likely you are not the only one he is sleeping with. You can do and deserve soooo much better. You’ve only been seeing him for 4 months? Then it won’t take but 2 to get over him!!
We need to understand that there is nothing more relatable than the love between a couple in Healthy Relationships. Thanks for sharing this article with us.
I have been in a toxic relationship for 2 years. It has broken me emotionally and mentally which is in my opinion worst than physical abuse because bruises and cuts go away, the emotional abuse does not. I have tried to leave but then always end up coming back because I have that hope that he will change and be better but it’s always the same or worse. He always found a way to blame me and I started believing that it was my fault and I started to believe I wasn’t worth anything. I am still hurting and I know it will be tough moving on especially trying to heal my emotional wounds. Toxic relationships are the hardest ones to leave and get over. You just have to believe you’re worthy and love yourself to succeed and move on. ❤
My grand daughter is 27 and in a very abusive relationship. Physically and emotionally. I want to alert his parents although she is asking that I don’t involve his family… I am so afraid he will soon do something so terrible and I should have done more…
Please do something! His family raised him to be this way, so they might not be safe people.
You’re EXACTLY right. His family can’t be trusted with her best interests
I would tell her either his family is notified or the police. Or both! She is grown though and unfortunately you can’t make her leave
I am 23 years old and I have been through hell and back regarding my relationship. I started dating this guy in August of 2017 and shortly after he asked me to be his girlfriend. When he first asked me, I told him it was too soon. But he was so persistent, that I finally said yes. He is 28 years old (going on 29). This was my first relationship. Right off the bat I had told him one of my biggest pet peeves is when somebody lies straight to my face, and I also told him that I did not know how to be affectionate. I had never been in a relationship before so I didn’t know what to expect. We started off really loving, he was kind and affectionate and through him I learned how to be affectionate as well. We went to dinners, he bought me roses, he fell madly in love with me in such a short amount of time.
Although the first 3 months of our relationship was good, we had little fights here and there that escalated into big fights because I had a tendency to always leave him when things weren’t working out the way I wanted them to. I’ve always had trust issues and insecurities, and I constantly turned small arguments into big ones because I did not fully trust him. Our relationship was very on and off the first 3 months, but those first 3 months were nothing compared to the months that followed.
My family did not know about him. I come from a family where respect for your parents is number one, always. The man who would meet my father would be the man I would be spending my life with. I could not take my boyfriend to meet my family because the relationship was way too new. I had to at least give it a year or two before he could meet my father. My boyfriend at the time did not understand this. He wanted to meet my friends and family because that’s normal in relationships. But it wasn’t a normal thing for my family, I had to respect my parents. So, he never met my parents but he did meet a couple of my friends. My friends liked him as much as I did in the beginning, he was honestly a good man and he tried his best to make me happy. But I still started fights with him and left him constantly. On Halloween I left him alone, on Thanksgiving break we went to Disney World together and we argued so that trip was ruined. I left him alone on Christmas, on New Years.
At around the end of November, our relationship seemed to be suffering constantly. We could never find a resolve to any of our arguments or issues. He became angry and I became more distrusting. He kept making comments about my weight, my appearance, he took all of my insecurities and threw them in my face with every fight. I can understand that my leaving him constantly probably somewhat contributed build up his anger. He told me he constantly felt emasculated by me because he always did everything for me and what I wanted, and I would never do what he wanted. He told me he did not feel like the man in the relationship, that he didn’t feel like he was in control. So, it built up and he became angry and spiteful. He started to lie straight to my face about the smallest things, big things, anything. Also, every time I did leave him I had a tendency to go sleep with another man. He was my “friend with benefit” I suppose. We had no feelings for one another, we just slept with each other sometimes. He was my friend with benefit before I got into a relationship with my ex in August 2017.
At the beginning of January 2018, we called it quits (kinda). It just was not working. A few days after our breakup, I slept with the same man I was talking about above. Then, my ex and I got back together again. I did not tell him that I had slept with this man again because when I first did it earlier in the relationship, I ended up telling my ex about it when we got back together and he asked me to never see this person again. So I kept this from him when we got back together. A few days went by and we were breaking up again. At the end of January, we called it quits almost completely. I had not contacted him in a couple of weeks, it was silence on both sides.
And then, come February, I get an email from him (because I had him blocked on everything else) with a screenshot of roses he ordered for another girl for Valentines Day. That email completely ruined my progress to move on. I did not want him to move on with another girl, especially so quickly. He sent me that email to hurt my feelings, and it worked. I found myself begging for him back, literally. I would drive by at his house at night (we lived 2-3 minutes from each other) and see her car there. At times I would get out and knock on the door and stay there for an hour or two. For 4-5 days straight, I was outside his house while he was with her. Eventually, he stopped ignoring me and we would talk about possibly getting back together and trying to make things work. The girl he was seeing did not know that him and I were still speaking. She also worked (still works) with him. One night I went to his place, we slept together, and then 10 minutes later after I left he went over to her house and slept with her. That pissed me off. I felt so disgusted by the person he had become. But I still kept seeing him, while he was seeing her. She had no idea, and my attempts at trying to tell her (on Facebook/Instagram) failed because she never checked her messages. I was successful at reaching her one time, but he made her block me on Facebook and told her wasn’t seeing me anymore, which was a lie. He also lied to me when I asked him if he had asked this girl to be his girlfriend. He said no every time I asked, but finally told me that he had asked her to be his girlfriend one weekend when they went to the beach. This also pissed me off. How could he do that to me and still claim to love me?
In around early March, him and I decided we would try to work on things. He left the girl he was seeing and we were going to try to make us work. But surprise surprise, we just could not make it work. I would start arguments about her, he would get angry, punch a wall, punch through his chandelier. He even broke my phone and laptop. We just were not working. It got so bad that he involved my friends, my roommates and my family in our relationship. He sent my father a text message with a video of me drunk and texted him a bunch of nonsense. My roommates hated him, he involved them too. He was making my life miserable and I became depressed, to the point where I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital.
He tried to contact me while I was in the hospital, but the hospital would not let him get through to me. I had put him on a blocked list so he could not speak to me while I was in the hospital. My family came up to take me home when they found out what had happened. I sold all of my belongings, withdrew from school, and moved back home. He was still trying to contact me when this was happening. I did not answer at first, but I still loved him so I gave in. We started talking once again, even after I had tried to end my life over the stress and hell he put me through. He told me he wanted to try long distance, I told him a lot had to change for us to even be able to do that. Little did I know, he was seeing that girl from his job again. Even after everything we had been through, even after everything I had been through, he saw this girl again. That hurt me the most.
But I still loved him, and I believed him when he told me he loved me. I agreed to long distance with him. We tried and tried and tried but came to the conclusion that our relationship was too broken to fix. There was no more trust on either side. Everything was ruined. He constantly tells me he loves me, and I feel like I love him too. But I also feel like love was not supposed to be like that.
Recently, we have decided to officially end things and cut all communication. I feel disappointed in this outcome, I really felt like I loved him but what do I know? Anyways, I hope this article helps me through the moving on process. It’s been really difficult and I wish him and I didn’t end up here, but we did. Maybe it’s just not meant to be.
I don’t know why us women put ourselves thru hell when men shit on us. I try to figure it out myself , why we put up with it. I ask my self is it really love or infatuation . we are all guilty of that. I still continue to be a doormat and have to figure how to leave. im always constantly crying . and then when it time to leave I cant . my mother says I don’t value myself and I think mine is just habit and scared of being alone. can anyone give me advice?
Your mother is correct – it is about how you value yourself. I’m constantly baffled at how I continue in a very harmful relationship pattern in my 2nd marriage and it does come down to valuing (or not) who I am, what my values are and being courageous enough to handle the truth of the situation. Then, to take appropriate action. I always say to myself “so and so would never put up with this”. Yet I do. It makes me upset I am unable to once and for all break free. One therapist said I have a very high tolerance for unacceptable behavior and it must be true.
Marie,
I can relate! I am in my 4th marriage. One therapist told me that I had a pattern of picking the wrong men! Ya think? 🤷♀️She also told him that he was abusive. This was years ago. I have been married for almost 18 years. I have left three marriages before. I cannot get the strength that I used to have. I would never let anyone abuse me. I guess it’s because I am now 67 years old and I’ve lost my grit. It’s to the point that my daughter will not bring my grandchildren to see me in our home because we never know when he will go into one of his fits. She hasn’t been to my home in over two years. I have to go to her house to visit. This is the nicest home I’ve ever lived in but it’s not worth the walking on egg shells! I know when I leave I will lose everything that I have worked for. He is impossible to live with. The mental abuse is unbearable. Last night he told me that he was going to beat the shit out of me. This was because his ESPN was messing up and I was trying to help him fix it! Sometimes I think after 18 years of mental abuse the physical would be easier. At least it might give me the courage to leave him. After years and years, I’m sorry just doesn’t cut it. If it was a real apology it wouldn’t continue to happen. Sorry! Thank you if you took the time to read this. My heart hurts. 💕
How old is he? How is his health?
I feel the same way Marie. I am ready to leave my emotionally abusive 2 nd husband I’m 44 with three daughters from my previous marriage and I’m afraid I’ve lost my grit. Once you said it I thought maybe we haven’t lost our grit maybe it just got pushed down so far we need to get it back up!
I’ve only been married 3 years but in the 2nd year i knew this wasnt going for the long haul. I have a daughter from a previous relationship but shes older now her and my husband dont get along he always tries to tell me what i need to do as a parent. Even though he is a horrible father to his own two kids. Bothers him to even pick them up on weekends, i have to force him too.. my husband has a short temper and severe ocd, he light also be a bit bipolar but waiting to see if thats what his therapist thinks. I asked him for a divorce last year cause my mind was made up. I would get disgusted if he even touched me ot tried to kiss me. Hes never struck me but has thrown stuff at me and one day he put a knife to my neck cause i wanted a divorce. Sadly he has cogestive heart failure and started getting sick around the time i asked for the divorce. His family is not close or family oriented so i was all he really had so i stuck aound. Recently he had a heart transplant ive been the only one by his side stopped working to be with him until he started complaining about finances. Now that he has been out of hospital again hos family is no help i drive him to his appointments right after my 10hr shift at work then get home eat shower and back to work. But yet he complains i do nothing for him. Wants me to work, clean and tend to his medical issues. When things arent how he wants he insults me and throws things at me. I need to leave i want to and my mindnis so made up. But i feel guilty cause his family doesn’t seem to care about his health issues no one onows about his meds but me. He cant even memorize them… what do i do i feel hopeless cause I’m so unhappy in my marriage.
Can he be put in a living facility?
I’m 32 mother of 3 been in an unhealthy relationship for 9 years now hes cheated numerous times and for some reason i feel i owe him something i had rushed into a relationship with this men cause i was desperate i had two kids at the time an was in a very abusive relationship and he helped me out we share one child in coomon hes always said all my children are his but doesnt justify the pain i feel inside from him cheating this happend 3 years ago and it eats at me everyday i left once and got pulled back the fear of being a single mother has gotten the best of me but to continue to sleep with someone yo9u no longer love and have sex with them is the worst feeling ever idk how to get out of this relationship
I know what you are feeling! I too have stayed far to long out of fear! Fear is crippling! As hard as it is, I am starting to find the strength to want to know what’s on the other side. It can’t be as bad as the hell I am in now:(
I’ve been there. If you don’t love him, leave!!!! I stayed in a marriage I didn’t love him for 25 years!!! I feel like my best years were waisted!
I have been in a toxic relationship for two years, we had a baby and it is hard for me to get out, he has abused me emotionaly, physically and sexually. He is a heartless psychopath by the things he has done to me, and I continue to want to still stay. I know he will never change and I need help to become a stronger person and know my self worth. I just need to get over him to be happy again.
Val, if you don’t do get out of this relationship for yourself, do it for your baby. The trauma of watching abuse in a home can last forever. You are right – he will never change. You don’t need to get over him to leave – you just need to put distance between you and him, and the wisdom and strength and courage in you will be there to meet you.
I have never been so broken in my entire life. I cry almost every single day. I’m 48 years old. Been married to my husband since we were both 19….29 years. We have two daughters, 14 and 11. We are separated and have been for 11 months. We were separated four years ago too. He has had numerous affairs and this last one has just about done me in. Sooo many lies and found out he’s even paid a one year lease on a home for her that’s in his pricey neighborhood. Each girl he’s had an affair with have been in their twenties. Of course that’s how it usually goes. He continues to say he’s sorry. Going to therapy and crying and begging me he won’t hurt me again. That’s he realizes how horrible he’s been. He wants me and our family back. I have to be the most ignorant person in the world to keep crying over him. Why is this so very hard to let go ??? I dont understand what’s wrong with me. I met a wonderful man a few months after my husband walked out on us and this man is amazing. He loves and adores me. He’s shown me love like I’ve never known. Why in this world can I not walk away from this marriage and try to move on ?? I need Peace and I have none.
Thank you. I needed this in order to get the courage to try to break up with my girlfriend today. She and I have been out together for almost two years but I need out.
Wish me luck!
After 2 years with a guy who would never fully commit, I’m packing my things and moving out while he is out of town. I always thought that if you give something everything you have, then it will work out. I never asked for marriage or forever, I just wanted him to try. I stayed with him when he had nothing. Through cheating, difficulties at work, through him criticising my weight and everything else about me, I stayed and always put him first. I’ve given everything I have, put aside my pride and dignity countless times… I’m done. There are no words to describe this feeling: grief mixed with a healthy dose of “Finally!”
Happy days are coming sister 🙂
I am also currently in a very toxic relationship that I know I need to leave. I do not live with him…he is 41 years old…has plenty of money…and lives with his parents. This has been going on for almost 6 years. Rationally I know I would vehemently tell anyone else to leave a situation like mine. I’ve become the rescuer and nurturer while he continues to take my self respect and self esteem. And I just sit by and let it happen. I have worked really hard at being independent…I’m a nurse…put myself through college at 40 on my own while raising 2 boys. I am kind and loving…I love my patients and friends…I am honest… compassionate. So I don’t understand why he cheats…lies and disrespects me. And why do I stay for it???? He recently went on a drug binge…I took him to rehab today. I will not be able to speak to him for 7 days…my plan is to look deep inside and find the courage to make the break. He hid his phone from me today but gave it to his mom…she can look in it but I can’t…as I’m sure there are several women on the hook. This has all been such a mind blowing destructive experience. I’m intelligent….but none of that matters or has helped me. I need to find myself again and realize that I’m not meant to be in pain constantly while smiling at the outside world. Anyone else going through something similar….I’m sending good vibes and love your way. Stay strong!
Read Getting Past Your Breakup and read material on self-love. This is what’s helping me A LOT at the moment.
I felt as if I was reading my own story. It’s really hard to walk away when you have given someone your all. I made countless sacrifices and cry myself to sleep nightly how do I become stronger. Just know you are not alone
It does help to know I’m not alone. People that haven’t experienced something like this don’t get it. I absolutely have to walk away. I know I’ll be fine once I do. I don’t even understand it. I am reading a lot on addictive resltionships and the difficulty of getting out. Remember….you’re not alone either. Much love
I can relate to all!!
After 19 years of been in a toxic relationship with a narcassist!!
I left the relationship 2 weeks ago!!
I have 5 kids with him!!
Let me tell you the experience after leaving the relationship..
After a week i started to have panic attacks and anxiety, almost feels like a drug withdrawal, its very painful!!
I somehow needed to hear his voice, despite all the abuse, its like you miss your way of living , the lifestyle you created with this monster, without lying, as soon as I heard his voice or knew his whereabouts, my pain suddenly went away, because i feed my addiction..
Yes, believe it or not, we cannot get away from these toxic relationship because we become addicted to them. emotional distress is very hard.
Later I went to learn that I am Codependent..which makes it hard to leave a relationship so toxic..
Its a very difficult process and step after leaving the toxic relationship..
I have so much hope and rely on God to give me the strength to keep pushing forward..
Best luck to everyone
How is life now? Im literally just about to leave…
Hi I am in a relationship for 6 years going on 7 years next month. He is 28 years old and I am 33 years old. And we are engaged for 6 years which he proposed for 8 months of dating. The first 2 years of our relationship was great. But once our son was born, things between us was beginning to be stressful. He has the signs of a Narcissistic personality. He started to be controlling towards me and a bit possessive with of our son and decided who should watch him and what not. Nick pick on my family I mean I get it, it’s our first child. His family is the same way. And my family and my fiance don’t get along either because of how he is. He is very direct and harsh. So years of being together he became judgemental and picked on my flaws, tells me that he doesnt trust me, one time he had told me that he doesnt want to marry me or have any more child from me because you are like your mother. That hurts. For the first 2 years my son was only by his family and my family wouldn’t see him because he made the arrangements sense he decided to move us five minutes closer to his parents. So I decided to that my family have rights to see or watch him since they’re first time grandparents. I arranged both sides of family to watch every other week when we both work. Now that my both parents much older and have become ill. Ive come sleepover with my son for 2 nights every other weekend to see them as much he can. I understand it sounds unfair. He works the 2nd shift and works the weekends for 10 – 12 hours. So we dont see him as often and now he sort of blames for alot of things for being on unhappy and tells me that I have to much on my plate and unsure he wants to stay together because he wants to change me to someone that I am not. He thinks that I do alot for my parents but he does the same and I am very supportive of that. But I dont get support or any understanding from him but instead being blamed, compared, judged and demanded. I know my situation is very different but its stressful and hurtful. We are seeing a theraptist but I feel it gotten worse and he became so distant. I know we are unhappy but could he be right I be the blame of our relationship to collapse? Help!
I recently got out of a relationship as well, reading this seems to help but I feel weak. I’ve known this guy for 5 years and have been on and off for 4. I am so young and the way I feel should not ever be felt by any one of any age. I am 21, I have high hopes for myself but being with someone like him made me feel otherwise when we were upset at one another. Everything felt as if it was always my fault, he said I didn’t give him enough space to breath. There are 7 days a week I see him sometimes all those 7 or sometimes 6 or 5, and he works a 9-6 job. Five days a week He come home around 8 sometimes 10. That’s a bit of time to talk about our day then get ready for bed. Is it wrong of me to want to spend time with someone I love on the weekend when I can only see him on Saturday night and some hours Sunday bc of my job? I guess maybe I asked for too much but after years of infidelity I thought I had deserved that time with him. I encourage him to see his family as often as he wanted but he never took it. He would rather go out with his friends and not tell me about it. That’s just a bit of what I have been dealing with the past few years. Although, he did strive for me and make me feel significant and worthy and successful at times. His words hurt when he was upset, through time he everntually knew what to say to hurt me emotionally and mentally. Sometimes physically. After those altercations, I was there begging for him to come back to me and apologizing when the roles should be reversed. He was too shaken up to look me in the after all the hurtful words he said and reminder of what he had done. It has only been a couple of hours since he told me to pack my belongings and go back to my parents. I’m scared that I am to weak and will eventually try to contact him. I want to be myself again. My five years ago self before I ever met him. I read this article and it made me feel a bit better. I am hopeful that I will be happy again within time and that I will move on bravely.
There’s a book called GETTING PAST YOUR BREAKUP that you needto read. Also do a Google search for “Lewis Howes – Boundaries” podcast. Boundaries are extremely important in relationships and seeing someone 7 days a week may not be the healthiest based on your circumstances. Good luck IT.
You will never be your past self, you will be a stronger self, more intuitive. Its hard to leave an abusive relationship, but none of the tocic issues are yours. They’re his. You need to be absolutely selfish, i.e., think about yourself, your future, your well being, your future, your wants, your needs. Obviously he is not meetinh any of these and have told you he will not by telling you to leave. Leave. Givr yourself time to heal, to learn from your experience. Yes, like drug abuse, you may want to return to your abuser, but fill your time and thoughts eith improving yourself, take a class of your interests, be active, seek to think positively, thats the hardest. Healing eill come, after the pain, the anger, the resentment, the regrets, it will come. Ypu must cut off all, all, all contact eith this man.. if you see him on tje street, walk by as if hes a stranger. Dont know him, dont chat, dont have lunch, dont nothing. Abusive ppl have long standing issues that have nothing to do with you and are not your responsibility. Nothing you can help them with or change. Learn how to recognixe this type of personality. Its hards to identify, but the first time it rares its ugly head, leave. You owe no one any explanations for taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally and psychologically. You should never take abuse and disrespect, no matter how much you love someone. Never invest more in a relationship than the other person.
Yes, this article was very informative. It is easier said then done to make change. You are young and have a whole life ahead of you. The advice of like to give is live for you. Now is the time to put you first. Especially if you do not have children. Do all you have on your bucket list before you start another relasho ship or at least tackle a few of those want to do things by yourself. It will bring you strength. Good luck, as I need some too. I have 21 years in a marriage that has struggled for about it’s entirety. Have 5 beautiful kids and a house filled with animals and I’m exhausted from our failing marriage. Physically and mentally. I need strength to let go. Good luck.
I can relate so much to this article.
I am now in a position where I have accepted in my head and mind that I need to go go from this relationship. There’s always been something that has held me back like our pets worrying I will never be able to see them again. I feel mentally drained, i suffer with Anxiety and Depression and me being in this relationship is contributing to my mental health it’s taken me sometime to see this though . I am registered as disabled, I suffer with Arthritis and Lupus so I have my good and bad days/weeks I have a lot of hospital admissions and appointments to maintain and it can sometime get too much and I feel like I haven’t got anyone there. I am going to my parents for a few days tomorrow and then hopefully I am going to be strong enough to walk away and go. I can’t do this anymore ☹️?
I am 21 years old. He was the sweetest and lovable and all the good things about him. Recently he is short tempered and can’t control his anger. He will say vulgarities, hurtful mean things to me. And end it with ‘idk what got into me’ or ‘I’ll change’ and apologised saying he’ll be better. But its the same thing over and over. He gets mad at something small and burst into anger. We almost fight everyday and i know its getting toxic and i feel numb. Im scared to leave. I dont want to. I tried asking him to seek professional help. It’s going to hurt alot and i got no one with me.
Hey honey
Firstly I wanna say,as much as you recognized your boyfriend as loveable and the sweetest
. Well so are you.obviously. unstand that hes the problem that needs addressing not you
.you are the unfortunate victim of it.
As much as you want things to work out for the better.his feeling toward you are not the same as yours to him.or he would have had the respect for you and the relationship to address it
.So no you worth and value. Demand balanced mutual respect from any partner. Or you will suffer a miserable draining hurtful unloved toxic relationship. If your both not happily in it together to understand grow and respect and love one another for ultimate happiness and companionship.
Thanks so much for this. It has made me realize my worth. I’ve been in the same spot for quite some time and just don’t have the courage to move on. Although he has been married and divorced and in many other relationships I just can’t seem to bring myself to love another man in fear of being done the same way again.
Thank you for this article, I’ve been in a very toxic relationship for the past 27 years! Yup 27! My youngest is 16 years old and it is time, I’m so unhappy and so lonely, I can’t begin to tell you how much and yet I have stayed. That little voice of doubt in your head can twist you in knots and make you believe you can’t do it yourself. I’m ashamed that I’ve stayed this long and allowed my children to see me not stand up for myself and leave. My husband after 4 years of marriage told me he was transgender and identified as a woman, my immediate response was that I can’t be with you through this and I need to leave which I did, all the promises under the sun that he wasn’t going through with it brought me back, our daughter was born and it all started again to the extent that he saw a phsycologist and started taking hormones, I was in a position where I couldn’t leave, he had his testicles removed after our son was born (another time I left and went back and my boy was the result) and grew breasts from taking hormones and then decided that it wasn’t for him after all. We haven’t had sex or any kind of intimate relationship for well over 5 years now! I am deeply unhappy and have told him I want a divorce and his answer was he would pick up his stuff and walk away and leave me with all the debt (over $350,000 including the mortgage on our house that he insisted on buying) knowing full well that there is no way I can handle the debt on my own. His constant mantra is ‘ I need you to survive’ everyday I am so angry and sad and my resentment of him is so strong I am beginning to detest him, but I don’t know how to leave him. He is not mentally stable and I know he’ll never let me go! Every day is a new struggle to make it through the day without crumpling in a heap! I feel so ashamed that I don’t know how to leave, my New Years wish was praying for the strength to walk away from this relationship this year before it kills me. I have no one in the country that I live in, my family are all overseas, no one to run to or turn to but I’m going to get to a stage where I will just walk away I’ve saved this article and I will read it every day in the hope that it will help me get the courage that to need!
Wow how I can relate!!! You’re not alone and I understand! Keep your head up.. I think we think too far ahead if we do decide to leave that it freaks us out. I’m stuck because I have no help from family and financially I’d be so broke and he knows that which is really hard to accept. I’m starting to think though I’d rather be broke living month to month. I’m going to start saving money and make a plan…you should also! Whether it’s this year or next year or in 6 months at least you’ll know your moving forward and taking that power it really makes you feel better! Xx
I had to leave with a very little money and very less support from my family, both like none. But had to move coz it has became matter of life and death and huge abuse since last 5 years. Am new in this country. But left with no choice. Since last 8 months of separation was in trauma and now feel relaxed.
I can relate. I’ve been in this toxic relationship for 46 years so I can relate. If I leave I would have a place to stay but no money. I think that I would rather be broke happy than broke unhappy. It is mi-sable staying in a relationship that you’re being stepped on. My spouse is a narcissist, bipolar, schizophrenia. He did hit me about two or three times when we first met but that’s because I let him. But when I got enough I fought back and he never raised his hand again but those type of people is unpredictable. They can be surprising and that is what I am most afraid of. If I tell him that I going to leave he want let me leave I have to just walk away without him knowing but I got to much important stuff to leave behind. I bought everything that we have and I really want to leave but don’t want to leave the material things. He tells me that he don;t love me, he tells me that he doesn’t want me anymore and he even tells me that his last girl friend was better than me. I know what I gotta do but I just can;t do it I really need some help.
xoxo
DIVORCE THE BUM.
CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS- THE BUM WANTS A FREE PLACE TO STAY WITH HIS LOVER WHEN THEY VISIT.
AND STOP MAKING PEOPLE USE YOU LIKE A DOOR MAT
Be strong! More than anything you have to love those babies and yourself more than you love him. I’m not one to judge but when you’re tired your’re tired. Only you know when your tired! Stop thinking of him and what he wants. How do you feel? What do you truly want?
I said a prayer for you my darling. ..May it be well with you and you find both the strength to leave and the happiness your so much desire and should have my lI’ve. Sending you warm hugs and kisses
Run run…dont wait!!
You can do it alone, better than a debt load with a deadbeat!!!
I’ll pray for you. Save yourself.
Love
Amy
Hello my name is Ilona and i just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. We had the most toxic relationship anyone could every had. I met him when i was 16 and he was 20 and he was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs but i stayed because deep down i loved him and we connected. Being around him caused me to gain weight and not do well in school. Im 18 now and finished my first semester of college and i got back on my feet and lost all of the weight but we were still together through this and it made me feel like I caused all of those bad things to happen in the first place. Those were the physical changes that happened. Mentally it was a nightmare, we would break up and get back together its like fire and ice all of the time. I thought thats what passion was but im not sure of that either. He was in the military so he would be gone a lot of the time but i would always check his location and be worried because there was such a lack of trust. I cheated on him to try to convice myself that i somehow escaped the relaionship but I still stayed. Recently things got to a breaking point where he was drinking everyday when he was coming home for that last 3 months. I felt so stupid for staying but i convinced myself that it was ok because i had cheated on him. We broke up yesterday and i told his family about his issues. Im 18 and i cant fix an alcoholic and i am not a cheater i hate that i did that. I feel like everything bad in my life has been caused my him. But i also feel so attatched to him because he was my first love. I blocked him on everything and we havent talked since last night. I wanted to share my story, like many other did, to show how you are better than your abuser. The decisions you make are soley yours but if you are in a rotten relationship with a rotten person then you become that too. Im learning to let go and if anyone has any advice for me on how to cope please reach out 🙂
Hey I’m going through a similar situation but my boyfriend and I’ve been dating for 2 years now.he
actually sent me to the hospital I had to have surgery on my right labrum because of him he tore it an I’m still with him but I’m starting to think I need to leave him an everything but I guess I’m scared an I’m 25 years old I’ve told my parents an everything my heart wants to stay but idk anymore then he’s wanting to buy him a gun but I dont think its fair for me to have to buy him one wen he can’t buy one on his own
Run far and fast! He sent you to the hospital and now wants a gun… are you not afraid he will take your life?
Im in a bad relationship, 12 years , no children together but grown up step kids , over the past couple of years our relationship has become bad.
My wife wont hug , kiss , make love , i feel unloved , she refuses to talk about it . She seems angry all the time .I feel like were just cohabiting together, we go everywhere together because i drive and she doesn’t.
I dont want to spend the rest of my life not being physical, i could live without sex , but hugs and holding each other i miss . I know this might sound pathetic from a 50 year old man , but im petrified about moving into a flat on my own , im scared of the thought of being on my own , ive never lived alone ,just the thought makes me feel sick and anxious, maybe this keeps me here , im now in the spare room and i know im not happy .
Hi
My boyfriend and I have been together and split up 3 times over 25 years.
My family say he s bad for me and have said they will disown me if I go back there again but I just Don t seem to be able to let him go.He won t listen to me we were living in a caravan and I helped with everything because he cam here with only his clothes so I helped make the caravan a little home for us.
His best friend called last week saying he had to get away from where he was and I stupidly said come here then this has left me having to go home and they are living together in the caravan.
We are doing nothing but argue but I can t help but love him and Don t know what to do I can t afford to lose my family but I Don t want to let him go either.
I am 49 btw
You are very brave and it sounds to me that you would do much better without this guy in your life especially if he believes in alcohol and drugs nothing will ever get easier and he will unfortunately for you never change because he has gotten into a bad routine! If he really loves you he should give you more respect, love and time with the support you need because you are a better person than you give yourself credit for!
Really needed to read this.. have been in an unhelathy relationship for 5 years and I’m just trying to find the courage and strength to let go off what is making me feel like I’m going insane.. not a day goes by that I don’t think of how much happier I’m suppose to be.. Its rare the day that I don’t cry because of him.. there has been physical, mental, and verbal abuse.. I know I deserve better but it’s so hard letting go.. it’s especially hard when I have 2 kids (one from him and one from a previous partner) and no family around to help me.. I always said if I had family around to stay with I would be gone but I know it’s probably harder than that as well.. I can’t wait to be stressed free and happy like some of y’all..
I’ve been with my supposed bf for 9 years all he ever does is lie to me he looks at other women the porn has ruined our relationship he lies about things he does while I’m at work deletes his search history and makes me out to be the bad guy all the time.He makes more money then me and throws it in my face all cause I can’t pay full rent I give him some money and he treats me mentally like crap he says he treats me like shit cause I basically make poverty wages honestly I’m not happy anymore he gaslights me makes me feel like crap for buying anything doesn’t hug me the sex sucks he thinks he can get a super model at his age and I’ve wasted so much of my youth on this idiot.Im hurt but also need to leave but he purposely threatens the you can get out now card and honestly legally I have 30 days this dude has ruined my self esteem my mind and health I can’t do this anymore I need out
OMG someone please help me. I’m 57 and I have now lost everything I ever had including myself. This is the second go round with thus guy. We are not togerther anymore but my addiction to his abuse now requires professional help to save my life. Run you guys, run far and run fast. I’m dying now. No really I’ve been in and out of the ER’s and now 3 hospital stays in just under 2 years and weve……omg I need help. Now!
My journey is just starting in getting over my toxic relationship with my lover. The worst part about it is that he tried to make me seem unreasonably jealous. It started with him texting other women and letting me know about other women texting him and asking him to go home with them etc. Then, he insisted I accept it when is ex FWB started hanging out with our group – by the way it is rather complicated but we have the same group of friends. We argued about it several times and I admitted i was jealous and was trying to control it. I also said I was confused as I had never been the jealous type before. The final straw was when he and some of our mutual friends were hanging out somewhere and he picked up a drunk girl that he had met once before and drove her to the bar at which he knew I was. Then she hung all over him and I was expected to be fine with that – he wasn’t trying to make me jealous and didn’t do it on purpose?!! The sad part of it is I am still wondering if I had a right to be upset and feel as if he did it on purpose. Worst, if he could do that it isn’t a far cry for me to jump to the conclusion that he wanted me to end it and he and our guys friends were seeing how much I could take. He isn’t very discreet. I am so sad because I just wanted something to work and every thing else seemed to be good and we had disagreements before and were able to work them out so kindly – he was very understanding. I just didn’t understand him not being able to see my side. He said I made him feel awkward when he wanted to bring a new girl around. Please tell me I am not crazy for feeling that way.
Kaye, you are not crazy! If it’s love, it feels like love. It feels nurturing, safe and solid. It doesn’t feel uncertain or unsafe or as though it’s a competition.
Thank you Karen. I’m still struggling. We got together again cuz he said all the right things, and I stated clearly that I wouldn’t tolerate random drunk girls hanging out with us. The next time he called me and told me he cud bring her to where I was with our fiends or he cud go somewhere else. I told him I wouldn’t stand in the way of his happiness, he said it was like that, I told him not to change his behavior for me.. he brought her and tried to act like every thing was okay with us. I just knew he valued random girls more than me.. it’s sad but I’m letting him go with love. It hurts and I feel i e been gut punched…. He also told me the week before our last incident that he had contracted a sti and exposed me to it. I haven’t seen anything and was tested and don’t think I have it and I was supportive of him! Just trying to make him feel better. I realize he was feeling bad for himself, not for us women.
It’s been a struggle for 3 years name calling no respect I’m 55he is 34 oh no I can’t go thru tht
I’ve been with a guy for 10 years but it’s been off and on. He used to push me around but he completely stopped about a year ago. I told him I was happy that he,d stopped and he was glad I noticed. The sad thing is however, our relationship isnt good and hasnt been no matter if the physical abuse is gone. I think dealing with the abuse covered up the real problem. That being that I’m not happy. I told him to move out. It got to be where he was never home. If he stayed out all night he d act like, “what’s the big deal” and I got sick of it. Basically I figured out that if I wanted to be used by some asshole, there are a lot of those around so I didnt have to put up with disrespect. That’s what I believe and I’m sticking to it no matter how hard it feels to be alone. I know this will get better.
Kaye, look up gaslighting! Lo look up sympts of low self esteem in men, there are brilliant articles that usually come up in the top results on google, one is written by a man who use to treat women terribly because of low self esteem but got help and worked through it all to be a fully functioning, healthy man capable of healthy, loving, adult relationships.
It sounds like yoir bf is gaslighting you big time! Being horrible to you and then convincing you that YOU are the problem ( YOU ARENT!)or that you somehow make him do it to you (YOU DON’T!) and that you deserve it.(YOU REALLY, REALLY DONT!) It’s a form of control because they make you start questioning reality, yourself, your perception, etc. & you start to feel crazy. It’s also a form of abuse, of course.
Keep a journal, if you don’t already, to keep the facts you know are real, straight and be sure of yourself regardless of what he tries to convince you or anyone else happened that likely makes you look bad, or like a liar, jealous, crazy, erratic, paranoid, etc. just as examples. People that do these things are in a lot of emotional pain inside, they don’t like themselves or have low self esteem, have been through trauma, and they’ll never be caught dead allowing themselves to be vulnerable enough to try to work through any of it or start to heal. They need professional help that most men will never be willing to seek out. Good luck, love! Please get out! Life is too short and it goes by so fast! Don’t let your dreams of a happy fulfilling life slip by you over someone that doesn’t even deserve you on their very best day! This isn’t a dress rehearsal, we don’t get 2nd chances to go back to being young and make sure we make choices that fulfill us and help us embody our true self & live in lie with the things we find most important, our core values. Listen to your instincts! Women have strong intuition and if you practice trusting it, once you see you were right a few times it becomes easy to listen to your gut feelings all the time. Take care of yourself & don’t lose yourself in the process of trying to gain a man, any man! The right mam willake you feel like a million bucks, support you, love you & want only you exactly as you are right now!
Thank you for saying all that. I am being haunted by a man I have known for 1 1/2 years. He dissed me and then called me 7 months later… “apologized” and wanted to get back together. I never admitted to him that I missed him, and I went back with him. Within a couple of weeks I suspected he had another woman b/c I pulled into his driveway on a Sunday late morning to bring him some nice muffins I baked and saw a girl car there. I went with him all summer and it was passionate, times at his camp, really fantastic but every time we left he was concerned about me leaving “evidence” behind. One time he returned and some dried rose petals I made for our bath had “escaped” and apparently the other woman questioned where they came from. He was awful to me, scolded me and said “I can’t have you doing that!”. It was so painful because we enjoyed the rose petals and it was sacred that I collected and dried them for our time together… . He continued to degrade me more and more, and be worried about “her finding out” but then he started telling me all about her, but not telling her about me. I told him I accept him how he is, it’s his life and ultimately he can do what he wants, be with who he wants to be with and if I don’t like it I will make my decision to go away. But I have not left him and I am disgusted with myself. The sex is great and he is smart, creative, motivated, ADHD, traumatized and very messed up. He has completely dissed me at the holidays, he is spending them all with the other woman, she is basically taking over his life, he tells me all about it as if he has no control and then he says if she doesn’t like me being around he will tell her to get lost. He even told me that once she relocates to living in the area we live in (she lives 2 hrs away now) he is going to turn her away. but I don’t believe that… he keeps cancelling our plans and gets more nervous she will “find out”. I told him that if he is really invested in being with her lying is not going to be sustainable. I have no idea why he is keeping me around.. he is a text book Narcissist. I am disgusted with myself for putting up with this treatment. However, I see how amazingly smart, creative,fun, sexy, down to earth he is . I live in the stupid fantasy that he could be okay, I could live with him, accept him but he has never sustained a long-term relationship. He talks about women’s breast ALL THE TIME. He says her big tits make him go all ga-ga and he just can’t help it. He has insulted me in that area, although I have a beautiful fit, healthy body (he has acknowledged) but he keeps trying to set up some kind of unlikely competition and it is disgusting. I was free of him for 7 months and then completely unexpectedly he called and sucked me back in and it is worse this time. He puts me down constantly and makes horrible comments about how I don’t measure up, he even insults my house which he says he can’t visit b/c he gets sick (complete bull s..t) He has socially maladaptive behavior issues, in fact he has never been to this other women’s place… He constantly finds things wrong with me and then in the same hour, he worships my body, makes amazing food for us, tells me I’m a riot, lots of fun, have gorgeous legs,… He is a constant liar has no empathy (I see him as one who is on the Autism spectrum for sensory issues and other traits… I am a Special Educator!!) When I got involved with him I saw the issues, and felt compassion and like I could accept him and push through but now I realize he is a user and I am a total fool. I live in a very remote place with few interesting men, he is right here and we met in such a sweet and wholesome way. He is an amazing food grower… I love so much about him but he is not nice to me. What should I do? I feel like such a wimp. I don’t stand up to him, apparently this other woman does.. and he seems to like that. He told me she wants a commitment and she wants a ring… and she’s having a new mattress delivered to his house, but he really doesn’t want it… why is he telling me all this. If he is done with me why doesn’t he just cut it off like he did the first time? Why can’t I free myself from his games? I am so sick of being pre-occupied with him and her!
This is very helpful, I have to realize my husband is toxic and let go, thanks
Here’s to the worst heartbreak I have ever had. Here’s to the most I have ever loved myself.
-I have to keep repeating that in my mind-
We love each other. There is no yelling, no scandals, no boring times. I have had a tough youth, and now, at 25 I am taking control of my life again. Drug-free for 5 years, in college, working at the local library, saving money.
He is a 6 foot 4, Italian, hazel-eyed, tattooed statue.
We met 2 years ago, and like a tall fire in the night, we warmed each other’s hearts like nobody prior had ever. We fulfill dreams together; gardening, making handmade jewelry, wine, soap, and salsa. We take road trips to the beach, week-long camping trips, shower together every night and we hold hands in the grocery store.
All of these things and more fall into glasses of wine over books in bed, I am so grateful to have met Jay.
But he won’t get off his ass!!!!!! He’s careless, impulsive, lazy, entitled, irresponsible, and ungrateful of life. He’s a liar, a lump of almost-existence, and a charmer. He’s duped my soul into believing I have the greatest product on the shelf. But, wow, is he believable. I want more out of this life than to sit around in some fairy tale. I want money, acres of land, farmers stands in the country. A college education. he treats his mother like shit, and her broken heart breaks mine even more (I lost my mother at a young age). The pot smoking pisses me off because I quit using all drugs years ago. I have begged him to be responsible with his toking, but he still won’t. A sack of potatoes, he is!
I cry and beg. Pleading for him to do something else other than smoke pot, lounge on the patio and swoon over fancy tobacco. He’s so busy putting on this facade that he forgets to be who he is. He omits the truth almost constantly, putting on cloaks of fabricated tails. Where he was, who he was with, why he was there, and what he did. I never get the whole truth or even a partial truth.
It’s a crying shame that he can’t man-up for us. We love each other so much. He’s a mooch. A wolf in sheep clothing. It’s killing me to think about leaving. We live in the same house and I have’t said a word to him in 3 days. I caught him in another lie. I know he doesn’t want me to leave him. I don’t want to leave him. But I’ve had it as much as I can take. I’m about to serve him up a dish of “fuck-you”.
I’ve created a plan to leave. A list of very small, unemotional ways I can get my foot out the door. He won’t know. If he knows he will try and stop me because he’s afraid of being alone. Not only will he not know, but the unemotional-part of these things, like stacking my cash, signing a lease to an apartment, and getting a new car, these are things that I can do that won’t be so tough that I want to run back into his arms.
The hard part will be looking in those eyes and telling him that I’m walking out the door for good.
Im going on to my 2nd month since I walked away. After a month, I felt I couldnt do it any longer and I broke. I contacted him. I hadnt even seen him and he hurt me again. Im grateful for that though, because it reminded me I was on the right track. This article was right on point and I feel it will really help…I even took notes. Its so true though, Ive been addicted to this toxic relationship and its hard to quit. But the thing is, I loved him more than he loved me. I hate myself and beat myself up because I gave him my ALL for 8 years. I keep reminding myself that ive given it too much time, its NOT going to change. He is NOT going to change. It still hurts but I can do this!!!
I just got out of the second toxic relationship in my life. 2 days ago. My ex husband whom is my fathers son was a dictionary role model for a narcissist. As well as a heroin addict. Lazy. I became addicted to heroin as well with him. And one day I finally left and divorced him. He was my first love. Battled that addiction for a long time after. I finally became clean. (3 years and counting now) Took me forever to get over him. I “thought” I truly loved him. Until I met my now ex boyfriend. It was like a fairytale alignment. He was best friends with my garsh darn best friend. Came from a good family. Wealthy one at that. Loved so many of the same things I did. He became buddies with my son. They would get along like peas and carrots. I’m the kind of person that likes to have a few mixed drinks daily. It helps keep away the heroin demons. I never get trashed or drunk. I mix them so weak it’s silly. Maybe I have a little problem I thought? But gosh. No biggie. So I always have a bottle in the fridge. He started to slowly but surely hit my bottle STRAIGHT. More and more. He was never much of a drinker before me. (Which I feel horrible guilt about) I would buy my bottle that should last me a week. Completely empty after 3 hours of buying it. He would friggin chug it. He would become belligerent, aggressive, mean and down right cruel out of nowhere for no reason. Call my son names to his face, call me horrific names in front of my son. Egg me on by pushing me and getting me to the snapping point of fighting back. I learned to just avoid him when he started getting that way. Next day he would wake up, feel god awful and guilty, we would make love to one another. We had the most amazing and satisfying sex life. He could get me to orgasm within 3 minutes. As a woman, that’s like woah!!! Any man I had been with before could never get me like that. I always forgave him. Over time he became slowly controlling. My only guy friend I was allowed to have left was our mutual best friend. I used to be involved with music and a amazing artist. I’ve been losing hair and my body has been falling apart this last year. I can’t even draw a picture anymore. We would break up on and off this last year… my mother hates him. He would turn anything wrong I caught him doing around on me. I became his servant. Slowly. God dang!!! I started to date yet another narcissist. Over time, I finally convinced him that he had to stop drinking. I even tried too. My simple little innocent drinks. I gave them up. But the heroin demons became to come back. And I told him “please, if I buy this don’t touch it!!!” He would. And again and again this ensued. Our friends everyone told him. To. STOP. He didn’t drink for a entire month. Until this past Sunday. His sister came to visit. She brought a bunch of Booz. He drank a butt load. He was mad at her about her life decisions. She got upset and left. He was angry at her and slammed the Booz she left behind. He became a monster towards me and my son. Long story short, he did a very cruel thing to my son and I defended my son verbally and he lashed out at me. Ended up beating the holy hell out of me. How. How could this perfect guy do this stuff to me just because he drank??? He was the most amazing love sober. HOW???? AND WHY!!!! I’ve been through so much trauma in my life. I feel like it will never end. I called the police finally this time and he went to jail. He took care of me. Told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world daily. I felt like a princess with him. I feel like there is something wrong with me because all I want is him back… he hasn’t tried contacting me or anything since he got out of jail yesterday. And it makes me feel horrific. I haven’t eaten in two days and all I can do is think about him. This article helped. But what is wrong with me?! All I can think of is how ready I was to marry him when he was sober… I keep telling myself I can’t contact him. To tell him how much I love him… I know I can’t. But the urge is soooooo strong. It’s painful. Why do I love someone capable of such atrocious behavior?! I’m scared to even be with any other man than him 🙁 I hope and pray this want goes away. I almost can’t handle it…
Wow!! I read your post and in some ways, it was like I had written it myself. Its been a few months, Im curious as to what happened? Did you go back and are you together? Or are you still apart? I ask because I am struggling with getting to my own happy ending. Your story has so many similarities to my own, even down to your addiction (im going on 14 months clean) but only 5 weeks clean from my other addiction…being in love with a monster. I miss him like crazy but im being strong…reading articles like this for advice on how to remain strong. So when I stumpled on your post, it made me realize there are so many other people going through what Ive been through, and if they can walk away, so can I. Im curious as to how you are and what path you chose?!
Hello , I’m sorry you had to deal with that I drink once in awhile but not too often . I definitely don’t get aggressive when I do . I’m in the worse relationship ever with the mother of my child . After 8 years of being together and engaged. She told me she isn’t in love with me and feels nothing with me anymore. I don’t know what happened when I thought everything was okay. But it wasn’t I stick around here for my kid . One minute she tells me she wants to be a family but then doesn’t . Every hurtful word she has said to me hurts . She said do I ever reach out to hold your hand . For the last two weeks she has treated me like crap. I poured my heart out to her for two weeks straight and she seems like she doesn’t care and blames me for everything. For two weeks straight she told me she doesn’t want to be with me and wants to be alone. . I’m so heartbroken and I know I have to move on and let my daughter live a better life . The other day she told her mom why were you yelling at daddy ? She also said you can’t treat daddy like a animal . I tried to even get close to her she distances herself avoids me . She won’t cuddle me touch me or anything. The other day I tickled her she freaked out, told me I don’t want to cuddle you or kiss you or any of it . She has told me the worst things in the past couple of weeks . I was watching our kid the last couple of weeks. While she was alone because she wanted to nap or said she
Has to do hw or her head hurts . She has even been distant from her daughter. I know this isn’t live I feel like she used me . Beat me up mentally. I feel like she never wanted me .
Hey I’ve been in a similar situation with a narcissist but no way to the degree you have! The feeling of not being able to let go is trauma bond, like you I couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t let go, it’s the same sort of thing as Stockholm syndrome. It help to look it up read about it and understand what you’re going through. I hope all is better for you now.
Hi, I am in a similar situation and this post has hit hard!!! I have been in a relationship with a man 9 years my senior with 3 kids but we are arguing constantly and it is always made out my fault and he doesn’t rest until I admit it. If I am wrong I will admit I am. He gets jealous and paranoid about all sorts of things and the accusations are killing me. These arguments are just draining the life out of me and I don’t have any fight left. No matter what happens or how I feel about a situation I always get made out the “bad” guy. I really think I am in a “controlling or manipulative” relationship and have struggled to see a way out. The guilt of leaving the kids etc. I was also venerable when we met as it wasn’t even a year since I lost my dad. I need out and don’t know how. Life is miserable. I really didn’t ever think this would happen to me 🙁
I think I will read this article on a daily basis for the following month. I’m going through of these relationships, been on and off for almost four years, she’s not accepted in my family and I’ve been trying to keep things peaceful but I constantly get into family fights because of her and fights with her because of my family. Have been like this for the entire relationship and right now I’m feeling that I’m just wasting my time, how do I confront her in order for it to end definitely? I know that the hardest thing is to actually ti move on but with all the guidelines on this article I’ll be alright, what I need help with is the actual break up moment, any suggestions?
Who cares what family thinks or accepts? Unless you are 10 years old, then do listen to mom and dad kid and stay away from the internet. seems to me you are the one to blame here for letting your family interfere in your life and with your wifes.
Well I have been with my boyfriend/child’s father for 4 years now we used to have good times and I thought that this was completely it for me until now he’s very distant doesn’t show any effection like hugs or kisses didn’t tell me he loves me we both have very demanding jobs but that comes with adulthood he should be able to understand I have to work but we have a family and my family means everything to me but every time we argue he yells he doesn’t want to be in this relationship he’s always angry and doesn’t talk to me only if it’s about the kids I kno this relationship is unhealthy but I love this man and it is so hard to walk away… please help
What ended up happening
Not only has this article helped me, but the stories are too. Each one of you is pouring out your heart and soul, and each response is filled with just as much love and strength.
My toxic relationship was fueled by jealousy on both parties. The relationship should’ve ended at 4 months, but it lasted nearly 3 years. My ex was cheated on by his first long term girl, so trust was hard earned. However, he also suffered from a porn addiction, I couldn’t get him to get away from it.
He would be secretive with his cell phone and all his belongings, even when I moved across the country to be with him. We hardly ever drove his car around town, it was always my car. His car was his sanctuary away from our shared space. Love letter from ex’s in the glove box, and e-cig in the center console… insisting it was his friends. I would’ve rather the honest smoking than the lies.
I asked him at one point to stop talking to his ex girlfriends (at least 3 from his HS years) since we were going steady and even talked about marriage. This pushed him away more, and he would continue to put me in compromising positions to where I would blame myself for being” crazy jealous” when in reality… he couldn’t see why sending messages like “good morning beautiful” “how are you doing sweet sugar” etc bothered me.
I obviously made some mistakes too. I hurt him just as much as he hurt me. What he doesn’t know is that I was raped orally by a guy I only wanted to make out with to fuel jealousy. I never told my boyfriend that this stranger also knew where I lived, and I was scared he would find me and do worse.
Thank you, each and every one of you… you give me hope that even 2 years after leaving him in NM to come back to my hometown I will be able to maybe find myself again.
This helped. But i feel like i’m filled “hope” that maybe he will come around and see what i am worth somehow. I’ve been seeing this guy i work with for over 2 and a half years off and on. December 2016, i over heard that he had a gf. But when i confronted him, he cleared out said that he wasn’t with her in a while and that he only talks about her cause he doesn’t want the office to know about his personal life. We tried to stay friends cause that’s what he wanted, but for some reason, talking as friends becomes more and leads to flirting and then bed sometimes. and that’s how its been. About 2 months ago, i had this gut feeling to look at his FB which I NEVER DO… but i did. Nothing was on there really except this picture of him, a man, and another woman. The picture looked more like that other man’s gf or wife maybe. So i went on his sister’s FB page then found where she tagged him and his exgf “so i thought” about them bringing her dinner. I confronted him and he was out nervous and kept saying sorry. Long story short…. i’m left hurt once again by him. He keeps insisting that we stay friends and he has been saying and doing little things for me that he never did before. I didn’t see anybody the whole time i was with him. He has been with his gf for a long time, but doesn’t live together, nor does he want to talk about her to me when i ask questions regarding if he loves her or not. He still gets a little jealous when i talk about other guys. I want to stay friends, but i know very well that we will return to the way it was.
This article seems to have been reading my mind.
About 10 minutes after I had sent an email to end an abusive relationship, I found this article. It echoed so many of my thoughts, such as: What hurts is stopping the hope that the relationship would work; that it seemed one-sided for too long and something was wrong; that an attempt to get what I wanted from it resulted in a fight instead of a mature discourse; that someone who cares should be able to article my importance to her at least at some level, even if “like a brother”, instead of “you have a complex and it is wrong for you to ask at a time like this;” and, then an extended silence to try to control me. (This was an internet fling.)
Then I read this article, and I will many times for the next while. It hurts very much, the addictive hope that the future will be better than something in the past. Even though, every minute was hell and second guessing.
Thank you for posting it.
Reading this has shed some clarity on how I’m feeling.
I’ve been in this relationship for 8 and a half years, he is my first boyfriend and we met at such a young age. We did long distance for three years while I was away in another city for school and had broken up once in my last year until I had returned home and we mended the relationship. We have literally gone through hell and back. We fight, say horrible things and have been physical with each other. There were times he tried to end thing but I begged him to stay. I can now recognize that feeling of addiction after reading this.
Three years ago our living situation changed drastically and we moved into the basement of my parents house. This happened around the same time of his grandma passing and since then, everything has gradually gotten worse. He could barely hold a job and engulfed himself in social media projects. I have been financially supporting the relationship and have been feeling the resentment grow after every passing year. The intimacy in our relationship is gone, though he denied it at the time when I confronted him about it. And in the past year, we have gotten into so many huge fights which resulted in me trying to end our relationship. Each time after we had time to cool off, we couldn’t bring ourselves to end something we had for so long.
We just had another huge fight earlier this week and we haven’t come around to “let’s try to make this work” phase and it’s been giving me anxiety. I know this relationship is toxic and that I should let this go. Again, I recognize the feeling of addiction. In the heat of the moment I have clarity on why this won’t work for us but when we reach the next stage, I’m weak and try to find a way to keep our relationship going.
Though it doesn’t make the feeling go away, it’s humbling to see others go through the same thing and offer support in a small way.
Reading this article really has helped me. I am going through one of the most addicting toxic relationships ive ever had. We met a year ago and moved in together after 2 months, we got a dog together and everything. His jealousy was always bad but never as bad as it is now. We broke up but are currently still seeing eachother and its never been this bad. The other night he tried to fist fight a guy at the bar for talking to me. Hes been seeing someone else to since we broke up, and i’ve been stupid and allowing it. I seriously dont know what is wrong with me. He hurts me emotionally and brings me down so much but every time he talks to me i cant stay away. What is wrong with me? I need the strength to walk away for good, but it is so damn hard.`