Teenage Flare-Ups: What You Need to Know to Make a Difference

Teenage Flare-Ups: What You Need to Know to Make a Difference

Living with teens can at times feel as though you’re living in a vastly different world to theirs. Yours is built around, ‘Let’s stay close and navigate through this adolescent thing together. And let’s talk a lot because I need to know you’re okay.’ Theirs is built around, ‘I’m learning how to be my own person so please don’t get in my way. And can you please stop asking me so many questions? It’s annoying.’ 

Nobody’s adventure through adolescence is seamless. If time has softened memories of your own adolescence to ones that are conflict-free, struggle-free and imbued with a beautiful ease, it’s likely that thanks to the fallibility of the human memory, things have been polished up a little. The struggles with independence, relationships and identity all contain the wisdom and growth needed to be a thriving, independent adult. As with so many things, the opportunities for growth will lie somewhere in the middle of the beautiful mess. 

The changes that come with adolescence are normal and important and are driven by a brain that is undergoing phenomenal changes. Some of the changes will be wonderful to watch, but at times things will get tough – there will be tears, probably some yelling, and the occasional (or not so occasional!) flare-up to work through. A powerful way to do this is to understand what’s driving them.

Behind the Flare-up: Understanding the Teenage Brain.

An abundance of research has established that the adolescent brain interprets emotional expressions differently to the adult brain. 

When adults interpret facial expressions, the most active (most used) part of the brain is the prefrontal cortex at the front of the brain. The prefrontal cortex plans, considers consequences and puts the brakes on emotional reactions for at least long enough to check out whether those reactions are warranted, or whether the expression of those reactions is wise given the circumstances. The prefrontal cortex helps with the subtleties: ‘Are those raised eyebrows from shock or disgust?’ ‘Are they angry forehead creases or confused ones?’ ‘Is that smile playful or sarcastic?’ 

When adolescents interpret someone’s emotional expressions, the most active part of the brain is the amygdala at the back of the brain. The amygdala drives impulsive, instinctive, gut-level responses. It’s called on because the pre-frontal cortex is still under construction and won’t be fully developed until around age 24. 

For teens, it’s a double hit. They are under the influence of a brain that is biased towards ‘it’s out to get me – fight it or flee it’, without the gentle hand of the pre-frontal cortex to calm things down. This tends them towards fight (the argument) or flight (the stone-cold shoulder) at anything that might threaten something important to them. And yes, being able to sleep, spend time with their friends, and know that you’re okay with them all count as ‘something important’. 

With a fully charged amygdala, an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex and a need for greater independence from parents, the venture through adolescence could be likened to riding in a new high-performance sports car with plenty of power, no brakes and a relentless urge to get to the destination independently of GPS guidance. 

Just Tell Me: When Will It Stop?

As teens move through adolescence, the amygdala surrenders some of its control to the pre-frontal cortex. The connections between the amygdala and pre-frontal cortex strengthen and they become more of a team. The amygdala is still active and alert to possible threats, but the pre-frontal cortex is able to analyse the subtleties and weigh in with a more appropriate response when it needs to. The adolescent brain won’t have its full adult capabilities until around age 24 but there are ways to calm the flare-ups in the meantime.

How to Deal With Teenage Flare-Ups.

  1. Let them know you’re on their team.

    Teens don’t want to disconnect from their parents. It might feel as though they do, but they don’t. Adolescence is a time when they need our love and connection more than ever. The truth is that we don’t have control but we can have influence. For this to happen, they need to know that we’ve got their backs and that we’re not going to put a flashing light around everything they get wrong.

  2. Help them understand why they do what they do.

    Teens are going through massive changes that at times will feel confusing, exhausting and isolating for them. And you. Talk to them about how the changes in the brain contribute to the flare-ups so they can get some clarity, feel normal, and know that you get it. Here is a scaffold for the conversation:

    I want to talk to you about something really amazing that happens in your brain when you hit adolescence. It will help your relationships and it will help you and me to be better for each other.

    At the beginning of adolescence, your brain gets powered up with a billion or so new brain cells. This is so you can learn and do everything you need to be a thriving adult. You’ll become more creative, you’ll have different ways of looking at things, and you’ll start to be more independent – but there are other things that will take time. It’s the same for everyone. It was the same for me when I was your age.

    One of the things that will take time is learning how to read the emotional expressions of other people. Being able to read people is important to communicating well and keeping your relationships strong and healthy, because we base our own responses to people on what we think they’re feeling. Nobody was born a wizard at reading emotions. It’s something we all have to learn. Your brain is a big player in this and if you can understand what your brain is doing, it can really help things along.

    During adolescence, your brain will sculpt itself into the perfect brain for you. It does this by strengthening the connections between brain cells. The stronger the connections between brain cells in certain parts of the brain, the stronger that part will be and the better it will work.

    A lot has to happen to strengthen the connections between that many brain cells. It doesn’t happen all at once. In fact, it will take about 10-12 years. The strengthening starts from the back of your brain and slowly works towards the front. The whole process won’t be finished until you’re about 24.

    The first part of your brain to strengthen, at the back, has the job of keeping you alive by noticing anything that might threaten your happiness or well-being. It’s called the amygdala. It’s responsible for your impulsive, instinctive reactions to things. When you need to be quick about something, like getting out of the way of trouble or defending yourself, it’s perfect for the job. If it senses trouble (such as an angry person) it gets you ready to fight the trouble or run from it. It does this without thinking about consequences or whether your response is a good idea.

    When it comes to interpreting other people’s emotional expressions, this is the part of the brain that all adolescents use because it’s one of the strongest and most developed. 

    The amygdala is all action and not a lot of thought. It’s biased towards reading everything as ‘it’s out to get me – better fight it or get out of the way.’  What this means is that it will be really easy – and really normal – for you to misread what people are feeling and become upset when there’s actually nothing to be upset about. Sometimes you might read me as being angry or disappointed – and sometimes you’ll be spot on – but sometimes it won’t be how I’m feeling at all. When your brain is giving you such a strong message about something, it’s really understandable that you would respond as though that message is true, even if it’s not actually accurate. 

    None of this means that you can use your brain as an excuse for bad behaviour. It’s your brain – you own it – so you’re the only one who can be responsible for it. And you do have to be responsible for it. It’s about being as smart as you can with your emotions and your responses. Emotional intelligence is a powerful thing to have.

    As you move through adolescence and the front of your brain starts to strengthen, a part of your brain called the pre-frontal cortex starts to get involved in helping you read what people might be feeling. This part of the brain is like the brakes for any impulsive, instinctive reactions that might get you into trouble, such as firing up at the wrong person. The pre-frontal cortex checks things out, thinks about consequences, and plans the best way to respond. 

    So while your amygdala is reactive, impulsive and instinctive, your pre-frontal cortex is calm, rational and logical. Both parts of the brain are important but things will always run more smoothly when they work as a team. Until the connections between them strengthen, you’ll have your amygdala misinterpreting other people’s expressions as anger or disappointment, but you won’t have the full help of your pre-frontal cortex to calm things down. 

    There are things we can both do to stop things flaring up between us. I’ll try to be clearer about how I’m feeling. If you misinterpret me, I’ll try to let you know calmly. In return it will make big difference if you can remind yourself that I might be feeling differently to what you think. If I say I’m not angry, I need you to believe me so we can talk calmly about what might be going on. 

    Every time you engage your prefrontal cortex, by checking things out or by staying calm, you’re strengthening the connections and making it easier for the pre-frontal cortex to get involved and help you read people more accurately and respond more effectively. Experience changes your brain. The more you do it, the better you’ll get. Another thing to do is to breathe deeply and slowly when you feel yourself getting upset – in for 3, hold it for 1, out for 3. This will trigger something called a relaxation response, which is when your brain neutralises the chemicals (adrenalin, stress hormones) it has surged through your body at the request of the amygdala to get you ready for fight or flight. 

    Something else to try is mindfulness training. There has been a lot of research that has proven that mindfulness – being still and paying attention to what’s happening inside you or around you – will strengthen the connections between your prefrontal cortex and your amygdala. 10 minutes a day is enough to make a difference. There’s a really popular app that will talk you through it if you’re interested. Up to you. (Click here for the Smiling Minds app.)

    Sometimes I will be disappointed or upset with you and sometimes you will be with me, and that’s okay – it’s about how we deal with it. Whatever happens, nothing is going to change how amazing I think you are.

  3. Let them ‘borrow’ your prefrontal cortex. (This is the big one!)

    When things get woolly, there will be two options. The first is to join them in the fight – active amygdalas have a way of stirring up other amygdalas – but this will only breathe life into the flare-up. The second option is to smother the flames with some pre-frontal cortex sensibility and calm. Your teen won’t have enough of their own, but you can ‘loan’ them yours. You can do this by being the one to stay calm, slow things down, hold the ground steady and to wait for them to catch up. ‘I want to hear what you have to say – I can tell it’s important to you. Can you speak to me calmly?’ It doesn’t mean accepting disrespect or agreeing to whatever they want. It means being the one to lead them gently out of the mess and into a space that’s calm, loving and clear of the noise. 

  4. Soften the landing.

    Make sure your message lands the way you want it to by starting with something that makes it clear you’re not about to ruin something important to them. Rather than, ‘What time will you be home?’ (which might be heard as, ‘I’m not sure about this party so I’m not going to let you stay for long,’) try, ‘I’m pleased you’re going to the party. It sounds like fun. What time do you think you’ll be home?’ In short, you’re less likely to be treated as a threat when it’s really – really – clear that you aren’t one.

  5. Look for your part in it.

    When the heat gets turned up, it’s really normal to get caught up in the emotion of things. Adults don’t have perfectly behaved brains all the time either. Learning that nobody is perfect is a valuable lesson for all teens, as is the importance of owning that imperfection and apologising for it when it stirs up trouble. Owning and acknowledging your part, however small, can be a really powerful way to take the steam out of a situation. It’s a way to show that you’re not a ‘threat’ and that you’re open to reconnecting, listening, and not blaming or staying mad.

  6. Be patient.

    Adolescence is a learning time for everyone and nobody was born knowing how to do it well. These are lifelong skills you’re teaching them about how to handle conflict, how to read people and how to respond. It will take time and practice – same as it did for us. Give them space to get it totally wrong sometimes, and give yourself the same grace.

  7. Let it be about the behaviour, not the person.

    With their brains on high alert, teens will be particularly quick to feel shame if they think you’re upset. Shame isn’t always timid. Sometimes it comes out roaring. Or swearing. Avoid the possibility of throwing them into shame as much as you can by responding to what they do, rather than who they are. Rather than, ‘You’re so disrespectful,’ try, ‘I feel disrespected when you yell like that.’

  8. Don’t generalise. Just don’t.

    For every time you say ‘you always’ or ‘you never’, they will remind you of the one exception. Then they’ve got you. The argument will stop being about whether or not they took out the rubbish, and will become about the way you accused them of ‘never’ taking out the rubbish, ‘which is actually a lie because I take it out all the time but you only notice when I don’t take it out which is such a shitty thing to do to someone and don’t tell me not to swear because swearing isn’t anywhere near as bad as accusing someone of something that isn’t true and you know it’s not true because I’m the only one who ever does it and if I didn’t do it we’d be living in a house full of garbage which we don’t because I TAKE OUT THE RUBBISH!! and I can’t belie…’ Ugh. Just don’t go there.

  9. You’ll always get more by listening than by talking.

    The more they feel as though you haven’t heard them, the more they’ll talk and the louder they’ll talk. Listen and let them know that you understand – it doesn’t mean you agree, just that you understand that what they’re saying is important to them. Once they feel heard and understood, it will be much easier to move forward and have your own view heard.

And finally …

When flare-ups happen, it’s not because your teen is trying to be difficult or manipulative. They’re waiting for their cognitive ‘brakes’ to arrive and until they do, they’ll sometimes lose it on the bends. They simply don’t have what they need for it to be any other way. But we do. By ‘loaning’ them some of our prefrontal cortex sensibility – and at times it will take the strength of a warrior to do this – we can start to lead them clear of the fight and into a calm, loving space where they can have the support they need and we can have the influence we want.

[irp posts=”1589″ name=”What Your Teens Need You To Know”]



I’m a fourteen-year-old on this website because I honestly thought that I’m just an idiot for being the way I am to my parents. I really do find this article very helpful and it makes me feel better about the fact that I behave the way I do. It makes it feel more like I’m not strange or different, I’m just pretty normal. I would love to show these articles to my parents and try to explain with them all of these things, by I’m sure all they would do is say that this is not how it really works and that I need to do precisely what they say when they say it and that I need to it because I’m the child and I’m “nowhere near equal”. And I do really misread my parents a lot too, it’s really something we do to each other. When my mother asks that I do something, it sometimes just feels kinda threatening or bossy (Maybe threatening isn’t the best word but oh well.), I start to fight back and it only gets worse from there. But then there are other times when she’s saying that I have an attitude, I really am not trying to, it’s just how I speak. She always says she would never do the things I do and it just gets annoying, my grandmother even said she liked to argue back to them when she was my age, she just won’t admit it. Anyway, I’ll stop randomly complaining now. Have a great day/night! 🙂

Riley M

i’m sort of 13 and i was just searching random stuff and i read this and i did notice my parents telling me that I’ m misreading them.I thought they were not accepting that they do feel that I’m not good enough

Karen Young

Riley what you are describing is very normal. It sounds as though your parents are intending one thing, and you are reading another. Something that can help is giving them the opportunity to let you know how they really feel about you.


Thank you so much for this article. We have 2 boys 14 and 16 and are very much in the thick of all you just described. When reading #8 it was like you had sat there and listened to one of the conversations I have with Mr 16. It was so funny to read. You have given us a really easy to understand insight and I have sent this to my husband. I know I will be using your techniques to help communicate, and now I understand much better why they react the way they do. Brilliant article, thank you again.


I love your work. I just googled step parent and can’t just stop reading other articles. They ate so so relevant.

I have handled teenagers as a teacher without really reading some of these articles but I think I have been doing right because most times even when we fall out, they later realise they were just too childish in their reactions towards my tutelage.

I still make them realise that despite their odd attitude I still love them and that i have gone throygh such emotional imbalace associated with teenage years.

That in itself makes them feel better and they readily appilogise for their childish behaviours.

Thanks a billion for this article and more.


I found your article really interesting. My eldest has just turned 10 and I read it to prepare for the coming years, however what I was reading outlined a lot of his behaviour now. Is it possible for a 9/10 year old boy to experience these feelings and react in these ways, or is this too young? I often think his behaviour is like a teen and wonder how we will cope when he is a teenager! I also have 2 younger girls, so I’m going to have years of teenagers!!

Karen - Hey Sigmund

You’ll be well into the adolescent adventure with three on board! It can be a challenging time, but there will also be those moments you have when you see them growing and moving forward and changing in ways that will make you proud. There might be stages (years!?) where those moments get harder to see for a while, but they’ll be there. Know that the ups and downs will end eventually, and you’ll look at that gorgeous adult standing in front of you and you’ll be able to exhale a massive (and very proud) sigh of relief that you both made it through.

As for your son, yes, it’s possible that his brain is starting to change to gear him up for adolescence. It’s important to make sure there isn’t anything else driving the changes you’re seeing (school? friends? anxiety?) but if these haven’t changed, it’s possible that it’s the beginning of the brain changes that come with adolescence. It’s an important time for him to learn the things he needs to learn to be a happy healthy adult, and to learn that he still needs to manage his responses. If he is responding angrily to things and flaring up, here is an article that might help https://www.heysigmund.com/raising-kids-emotionally-intelligent-kids-teens-anger-how-to-be-the-boss-of-your-brain/. I hope this helps.


Thank you for the link and wise words. I have already reacted differently to how I would have done, before reading this article and home life has been quite harmonious today! I will read this link with great interest. Thanks again.


Hey Sigmund ?
A very interesting read, thank you for posting it. I have five children, the youngest is 17 and autistic so totally related to what you said. I’m wondering if you know anything about the connection between what you’ve said in this article and people with autism? At 48 I still struggle occasionally with identifying correct emotions and although I handle everything a lot more calmly now, I was in my early 40’s before it all started to come together. Just wondering if it is ‘normal’ for people on the spectrum to not develop these links till later on? Could my youngest son be more prone to these flare ups for longer than what is usual? Cheers Annie

Karen - Hey Sigmund

Great question. There are some autism researchers who believe that autism is related to differences in the ‘social brain’. This is the part of the brain that looks after our reactions to other people and which fires up during adolescence. When this part of the brain is activated, people become particularly sensitive to the reactions of other people and can be overly concerned about what other people might be thinking about them. There is so much research happening around autism, and a lot of theories. What you are describing makes a lot of sense.


The following comment has been helpful to me, “In teenage years, young people are attempting to resolve all conflicts they have experienced in their lives, especially with their parents. For this reason, an early adolescent between the ages of 12 and 15 will evidence frequent and unexpected mood shifts. One minute he will seem to be very mature , and the next minute like a small child. Before he can comfortably and normally grow away from parents and become responsibly independent, a teenager must clear his past problems and conflicts he has had with people, and especially with parents. This is a 5- or 6-yr project, and a teen can take only one step at a time. Maturation is slow, gradual, and difficult, and often painful. Eventually your teenager will emerge (hopefully at 16 or 17) a responsible, cooperative, mature person.” Ross Campbell, M.D.


Thank you x I have been at my wits end trying to ‘pussyfoot’ around my 15 year old daughter. I love her so much but never know how she us going to react when I start a conversation. This article really helps me understand her. She constantly says I am looking at her in a way I have no idea I am. I was becoming paranoid about my facial expression.

Hey Sigmund

You’re so welcome Lisa. It sounds like what you are dealing with is a pretty normal teen. That doesn’t necessarily make it easier – it would be so nice to not have the flare-ups! Knowing that it’s normal hopefully makes it easier not to take it personally. Hang in there – it won’t always be like this. Adolescence is an adventure for everyone isn’t it!


The bit about misreading other people’s emotions is spot on. I try to have a sensible conversation with my 16 year old and she says I’m ‘disappointed’ or ‘upset’ with her when I’m really truly not. It can be so hard to remember to be the grownup and walk away.

Hey Sigmund

Anne I hear you! Some days it’s hard to remember, and some days, even with all the awareness, it can be still hard to walk away. It’s an adventure!


I found your article very interesting and made sense to me especially as I am having the same struggles with my 13 year old and 11 year old . Two for the price of one. I always try and be emphatic and use my listening get skills but it some how goes wrong and I end up screaming and getting quite upset especially when I do so much for my kids.

Hey Sigmund

It’s can be a tough time can’t it. None of us ever get it right all the time – not us and not our kids. I know how easy it is to get upset. Be kind to yourself. There are so many reasons that kids do the wrong thing but none of them are because they want to be ‘naughty’ or disconnect from you.


I find I get caught up in the emotion of it all and then try to ‘defend’ my position. Talk about throwing gas on the fire…I am the adult but all of a sudden we are screaming at each other and nothing, nothing makes any sense! Then I realize I need to back off and calm down, and apologise. This is a repeating pattern that I need to stop! This is exactly what my 13 year old son is going through and it makes so much sense to me. I’m going to print this out and keep it handy to remind myself to stay calm and not get emotionally tied up in his thoughts. Thank you for this – it is exactly what I needed to read!

Hey Sigmund

You’re welcome Carla. I know first hand how hard it is to stay calm and not be drawn in to the moment. I’ve been drawn into a few(!) myself. Adolescence grows all of us doesn’t it!


It’s so hard to remember that the amygdala is the first responder in my teen’s brain. As parents, our pre-frontal cortex is (usually!?!) in charge. I think this is what creates such a fundamental disconnect between me and my daughter. I start out as the empathetic listener, which I think she appreciates. I literally bite my tongue sometimes to not jump in w/advice. But inevitably I go from empathetic mom to lecturing mom. And she gets defensive and shuts down. It feels like a love-hate relationship and i’m sad about that.

Hey Sigmund

I hear you Valerie. Adolescence is such a learning time for everyone isn’t it. There isn’t a parent on the planet who would get it right all of the time. I know how hard it is not to jump in with well meaning advice. Try not to be sad about it though – adolescence is a time of growth for all of us – parents and kids.

Cristina Young

I am a therapist, and I work with parents and teenagers on all sorts of issues. I also run support groups for moms. I read so many blogs, but I find yours to be the most relevant, most accessible, and most well-written. You provide such a wealth of valuable information. Thank you!


How right you are, if only I would of had this instrument (don’t know if it’s correct to ñame it as an instrument)a few years earlier, it would of made a big difference, anyway does it matter if I have had some strong and nasty discussions already?
I have a 15 year old girl, and it’s very frustrating when The discussion gets to a peak and looks like we are 2 boiling fountains, instead of me being The icy one trying to calm her down, I don’t know if I have explained myself…
Thank you all my best and looping forward to read you again

Hey Sigmund

You have explained yourself very clearly – I completely understand what you are saying. If you have already had some tough conversations it won’t matter at all. What’s important is what happens moving forward. It doesn’t hurt our teens to know that we also get it wrong sometimes. None of us are perfect and adolescence can be an unfamiliar, difficult thing for all of us. You sound loving and ready to smooth things out with your daughter and be a strong, caring influence – that’s exactly what she needs.


My 19 year old just unfriended me on Facebook, knowing that was my only connection to him at this point. .. I’m hurt and tempted to cut off his cell phone, as I’m already paying his rent and tuition. .. feeling frustrated!

Hey Sigmund

I completely understand your frustration. Keep in mind though that Facebook is somewhere they get to ‘virtually hang out’ with their friends. It changes it if a parent is on board. Many young adults might keep their parents friended, but the fact that you have been unfriended isn’t surprising, nor is it necessarily a reflection of how he feels. It’s his job to separate from you and his ‘family tribe’ and join another one. It’s an important part of him growing into a healthy, independent adult. I understand it was your only connection to him, but if you are paying his rent and tuition it is reasonable to set your boundaries around contact – maybe that he calls every Sunday in return for the phone – or something like that. Let him know that you need contact and ask him what he would be able to do towards what you need. The reason he doesn’t call isn’t necessarily a reflection on how he feels about you, it’s just that once friends and a social group come into the radar everything else might go out out for a while. He has to loosen his dependency on home and increase his connection with his social group. Your love and approval would still be important to him even if he doesn’t show it.

Grandma Jan

Thank you— from a 78 year old Grandma who has raised a Grandson, from birth to age 13 , and it is a double struggle ever day, with -my health, & his age.
I know a lot of Grandma’s are raising their grandkids

Hey Sigmund

Yes there are a lot of grandparents doing and incredible job of raising their grandkids. As much as we love them, raising teens can be difficult enough when they are only one generation away. I imagine the added issues when they are grandchildren make it even more difficult. Thank goodness for you.


I am 70 and raiding a 14 yr old grand daughter and an 8 yr old grandson. Both have adhd and he is being evaluated for autism.
It is a daunting task each and everyday!

Tara Moores

That is really interesting and very helpful. However, my 13 year old daughter has apergers syndrome, which can make understanding others emotions even harder. Is there any info or research that can be added to explain how ASD would affect the brain development described in this article and what to expect from ASD teens?

Hey Sigmund

Tara there is a lot of research happening around ASD and the brain, though I’m not familiar with particular research about how ASD affects brain development during the teenage years. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any though. The brain research is fairly new so I’m sure this will be something that will continue to expand.


Brilliant! Thank you so much for clarifying and explaining so well the entire teenage brain development, how it affects their relationships and most importantly how we can help the process.

Katie Hofman

As a surviving single parent of 2 lovely teenage boys. I totally agree with this article! I wish I would of had this information available to me at the time. Benefits of the internet…


I feel so glad reading this is like you you wrote this article for me. I have a 15 year old teen ager, it is hard to understand Her at times, and reading this has helped a lot! Maite is a beautiful little person and we have a very nice relation mother daughter but there aré times that thimgs go just as you say and it makes me feel as if is difficult to know what is going on in Her head. Now I ‘ll share this with my husband and talk to Maite about it’
I always tell my friends we aré born sons and daughters ! Not fathers and mothers! We have a lot to learn! But the most wonderful experience of my life is being a mother! And I am happy to be one and learn every day
Thank you so much!

Hey Sigmund

Yes, our beautiful teens can be so hard to understand sometimes. It’s certainly a time of learning for all of us. Sounds as though your daughter is in wonderful hands.

Hazel Harrison

Karen, another fantastic article. Thank you. And yes please, let’s really try to use our upstairs brains to help our kids develop theirs!!


this was amazing. i was laughing my head off a few times………hasnt been as much of that lately. LOL thank you 58 with 14 yr old


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Behaviour is never from ‘bad’. It’s from ‘big’. Big hungry, big tired, big disconnection, big missing, big ‘too much right now’. The reason our responses might not work can often be because we’ve misread the story, or we’ve missed an important piece of it. Their story might be about now, today, yesterday, or any of the yesterdays before now. 

Our job isn’t to fix them. They aren’t broken. Our job is to understand them. Only then can we steer our response in the right direction. Otherwise we’re throwing darts at the wrong target - behaviour, instead of the need behind the behaviour. 

Watch, listen, breathe and be with. Feel what they feel. This will help them feel you with them. We all feel safer and calmer when we feel our people beside us - not judging or hurrying or questioning. What don’t you know, that they need you to know?♥️
We all have first up needs. The difference between adults and children is that we can delay the meeting of these needs for a bit longer than children - but we still need them met. 

The first most important question the brain needs answered is, ‘Is my body safe?’ - Am I free from threat, hunger, exhaustion, pain? This is usually an easier one to take care of or to recognise when it might need some attention. 

The next most important question is, ‘Is my heart safe?’ - Am I loved, noticed, valued, claimed, wanted, welcome? This can be an easy one to overlook, especially in the chaos of the morning. Of course we love them and want them - and sometimes we’ll get distracted, annoyed, frustrated, irritated. None of this changes how much we love and want them - not even for a second. We can feel two things at once - madly in love with them and annoyed/ distracted/ frustrated. Sometimes though, this can leave their ‘Is my heart safe?’ needs a little hungry. They have less capacity than us to delay the meeting of these needs. When these needs are hungry, we’ll be more likely to see big feelings or big behaviour. 

The more you can fill their love tanks at the start of the day, the more they’ll be able to handle the bumps. This doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be enough. It might look like having a cuddle, reading a story, having a chat, sitting with them while they have breakfast or while they pat the dog, touching their back when they walk past, telling them you love them.

All brains need to feel loved and wanted, and as though they aren’t a nuisance, but sometimes they’ll need to feel it more. The more their felt sense of relational safety is met, the more they’ll be able to then focus on ‘thinking brain’ things, such as planning, making good decisions, co-operating, behaving. 

(And if this today was a bumpy one, that’s okay. Those days are going to happen. If most of the time their love tanks are full, they’ll handle when it drops a little. Just top it up when you can. And don’t forget to top yours up too. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it as much as they do.)♥️
Things will always go wrong - a bad decision, a good decision with a bad outcome, a dilemma, wanting something that comes with risk. 

Often, the ‘right thing’ lives somewhere in the very blurry bounds of the grey. Sometimes it will be about what’s right for them. Sometimes what’s right for others. Sometimes it will be about taking a risk, and sometimes the ‘right’ thing just feels wrong right now, or wrong for them. Even as adults, we will often get things wrong. This isn’t because we’re bad, or because we don’t know the right thing from the wrong thing, but because few things are black and white. 

The problem with punishment and harsh consequences is that we remove ourselves as an option for them to turn to next time things end messy, or as a guide before the mess happens. 

Feeling safe in our important relationships is a primary need for all of us humans. That means making sure our relationships are free from judgement, humiliation, shame, separation. If our response to their ‘wrong things’ is to bring all of these things to the table we share with them with them, of course they’ll do anything to avoid it. This isn’t about lying or secrecy. It’s about maintaining relational ‘safety’, or closeness.

Kids want to do the right thing. They want us to love and accept them. But they’re going to get things wrong sometimes. When they do, our response will teach them either that we are safe for them to come to no matter what, or that we aren’t. 

So what do we do when things go wrong? Embrace them, reject the behaviour:

‘I love that you’ve been honest with me. That means everything to me. I know you didn’t expect things to end up like this, but here we are. Let’s talk about what’s happened and what can be different next time.’

Or, ‘Something must have made this (wrong thing) feel like the right thing to do, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it. We all do that sometimes. What do you think it was that was for you?’

Or, ‘I know you know lying isn’t okay. What made you feel like you couldn’t tell me the truth? How can we build the trust again. Let’s talk about how to do that.’

You will always be their greatest guide, but you can only be that if they let you.♥️
Whenever there is a call to courage, there will be anxiety - every time. That’s what makes it brave. This is why challenging things, brave things, important things will often drive anxiety. 

At these times - when they are safe, but doing something hard - the feelings that come with anxiety will be enough to drive avoidance. When it is avoidance of a threat, that’s important. That’s anxiety doing it’s job. But when the avoidance is in response to things that are important, brave, meaningful, that avoidance only serves to confirm the deficiency story. This is when we want to support them to take tiny steps towards that brave thing. It doesn’t have to happen all at once.l and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Brave is about being able to handle the discomfort of anxiety enough to do the important, challenging thing. It’s built in tiny steps, one after the other. 

We don’t have to get rid of their anxiety and neither do they. They can feel anxious, and do brave. At these times (safe, but scary) they need us to take a posture of validation and confidence. ‘I believe you, and I believe in you.’ ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can handle it.’ 

What we’re saying is we know they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. They don’t have to handle it well, and they don’t have to handle it for too long. Handling it is handling it, and that’s the substance of ‘brave’. 

Being brave isn’t about doing the brave thing, but about being able to handle the discomfort of the anxiety that comes with that. And if they’ve done that today, at all, or for a moment longer than yesterday, then they’ve been brave today. It doesn’t matter how messy it was or how small it was. Let them see their brave through your eyes.‘That was big for you wasn’t it. And you did it. You felt anxious, and you stayed with it. That’s what being brave is all about.’♥️
A relationally unsafe (emotionally unsafe) environment can cause as much breakage as as a physically unsafe one. 

The brain’s priority will always be safety, so if a person or environment doesn’t feel emotionally safe, we might see big behaviour, avoidance, or reduced learning. In this case, it isn’t the child that’s broken. It’s the environment.

But here’s the thing, just because a child doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t mean the person or environment isn’t safe. What it means is that there aren’t enough signals of safety - yet, and there’s a little more work to do to build this. ‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, it’s about what the brain perceives. Children might have the safest, warmest, most loving adult in front of them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel safe. This is when we have to look at how we might extend bigger cues of warmth, welcome, inclusiveness, and what we can do (or what roles or responsibilities can we give them) to help them feel valued and needed. This might take time, and that’s okay. Children aren’t meant to feel safe with every adult in front of them, so sometimes what they need most is our patience and understanding as we continue to build this. 

This is the way it works for all of us, everywhere. None of us will be able to give our best or do our best if we don’t feel welcome, liked, valued, and free from hostility, humiliation or judgement. 

This is especially important for our schools. A brain that doesn’t feel safe can’t learn. For schools to be places of learning, they first have to be places of relationship. Before we focus too sharply on learning support and behaviour management, we first have to focus on felt sense of safety support. The most powerful way to do this is through relationship. Teachers who do this are magic-makers. They show a phenomenal capacity to expand a child’s capacity to learn, calm big behaviour, and open up a child’s world. But relationships take time, and felt safety takes time. The time it takes for this to happen is all part of the process. It’s not a waste of time, it’s the most important use of it.♥️

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