A simple way to calm an anxious (and very excellent!) brain.
by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher
by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher
A simple way to calm an anxious (and very excellent!) brain.
There is a quiet strength in making space for the duality of being human. It`s how we honour the vastness of who we are, and expand who we can be.
So much of our stuckness, and our children`s stuckness, comes from needing to silence the parts of us that don`t fit with who we `should` be. Or from believing that the thought or feeling showing up the loudest is the only truth.
We believe their anxiety, because their brave is softer - there, but softer.
We believe our `not enoughness`, because our `everything to everyone all the time` has been stretched to threadbare for a while.
We feel scared so we lose faith in our strength.
One of our loving roles as parents is to show our children how to make space for their own contradictions, not to fight them, or believe the thought or feeling that is showing up the biggest. Honour that thought or feeling, and make space for the `and`.
Because we can be strong and fragile all at once.
Certain and undone.
Anxious and brave.
Tender and fierce.
Joyful and lonely.
We can love who we are and miss who we were.
When we make space for `Yes, and ...` we gently hold our contradictions in one hand, and let go of the need to fight them. This is how we make loving space for wholeness, in us and in our children.
We validate what is real while making space for what is possible.
Oct 12
All feelings are important. What’s also important is the story - the ‘why’ - we put to those feelings.
When our children are distressed, anxious, in fight or flight, we’ll feel it. We’re meant to. It’s one of the ways we keep them safe. Our brains tell us they’re in danger and our bodies organise to fight for them or flee with them.
When there is an actual threat, this is a perfect response. But when the anxiety is in response to something important, brave, new, hard, that instinct to fight for them or flee with them might not be so helpful.
When you can, take a moment to be clear about the ‘why’. Are they in danger or
Ask, ‘Do I feel like this because they’re in danger, or because they’re doing something hard, brave, new, important?’
‘Is this a time for me to keep them safe (fight for them or flee with them) or is this a time for me to help them be brave?’
‘What am I protecting them from - danger or an opportunity to show them they can do hard things?’
Then make space for ‘and’, ‘I want to protect them AND they are safe.’
‘I want to protect them from anxiety AND anxiety is unavoidable - I can take care of them through it.’
‘This is so hard AND they can do hard things. So can I.’
Sometimes you’ll need to protect them, and sometimes you need to show them how much you believe in them. Anxiety can make it hard to tell the difference, which is why they need us.♥️
Oct 9
The only way through anxiety is straight through the middle. This is because the part of the brain responsible for anxiety - the amygdala - is one of the most primitive parts of the brain, and it only learns through experience.
The goal is for kids to recognise that they can feel anxious and do brave. They don`t have to wait for their anxiety to disappear, and they don`t need to disappear themselves, or avoid the things that matter to them, in order to feel safe.
There is always going to be anxiety. Think about the last time you did something brave, or hard, or new, or something that was important to you. How did you feel just before it? Maybe stressed? Nervous? Terrified? Overwhelmed? All of these are different words for the experience of anxiety. Most likely you didn`t avoid those things. Most likely, you moved with the anxiety towards those brave, hard, things.
This is what courage feels like. It feels trembly, and uncertain, and small. Courage isn`t about outcome. It`s about process. It`s about handling the discomfort of anxiety enough as we move towards the wanted thing. It`s about moving our feet forward while everything inside is trembling.
To support them through anxiety, Honour the feeling, and make space for the brave. `I know how big this is for you, and I know you can do this. I`m here for you. We`ll do this together.`
We want our kiddos to know that anxiety doesn`t mean there is something wrong with them, or that something bad is about to happen - even though it will feel that way.
Most often, anxiety is a sign that they are about to do something brave or important. With the amygdala being the ancient little pony that it is, it won`t hear us when we tell our kiddos that they can do hard things. We need to show them.
The `showing` doesn`t have to happen all at once. We can do it little by little - like getting into cold water, one little step at a time, until the amygdala feels safe.
It doesn`t matter how long this takes, or how small the steps are. What matters is that they feel supported and cared for as they take the steps, and that the steps are forward.❤️
Oct 7
So often the responses to school anxiety will actually make anxiety worse. These responses are well intended and come from a place of love, but they can backfire.
This is because the undercurrent of school anxiety is a lack of will or the wish to be at school. It’s a lack of felt safety.
These kids want to be at school, but their brains and bodies are screaming at them that it isn’t safe there. This doesn’t mean they aren’t safe. It means they don’t feel safe enough.
As loving parents, the drive to keep our kids safe is everything. But being safe and feeling safe are different.
As long as school is safe, the work lies in supporting kids to feel this. This is done by building physical and relational safety where we can.
Then - and this is so important - we have to show them. If we wait for them to ‘not feel anxious’, we’ll be waiting forever.
The part of the brain responsible for anxiety - the amygdala - doesn’t respond to words or logic. This means the key to building their capacity to handle anxiety isn’t to avoid anxiety - because full living will always come with anxiety (doing new things, doing things that matter, meeting new people, job interviews, exams). The key is to show them they can ‘move with’ anxiety - they can feel anxiety and do brave. Kids with anxiety are actually doing this every day.
Of course if school is actually unsafe (ongoing lack of intent from the school to work towards relational safety, bullying that isn’t being addressed) then avoidance of that particular school might be necessary.
For resources to support you wish this, I wrote ‘Hey Warrior’ and the new ‘Hey Warrior Workbook’ to help kids feel braver when they feel anxious.
And if you live in New Zealand, I’ll be presenting full day workshops for anyone who lives with or works with kids on the topic of anxiety driven school ‘avoidance’. For more details see the in the link in the bio.♥️
Oct 5
Happy wedding day my beautiful Mikey and Maggie!
Some days will forever be favourite days and Monday 29 September is one of them.
On this magical day my gorgeous boy married the love of his life.
Maggie, I love that his forever love is you.
There is a Turkish proverb that says, ‘To love is to double the world.’ Our children expand our world from the day we learn of their being. If we’re really lucky, they expand our world over again by the people they bring into our lives.
Mikey and Maggie, you have a love that will protect you from storms, hold back the tides, and slow the spin of the planets when you need it to. I see it whenever I’m with you.
The space between you is so magical because of who you are separately and because of who you are together. But that’s what marriage is isn’t it. It’s not about what happens to you or around you, but about what happens between you, and what has happened between you is breathtaking. It will be one of the safest, strongest, most beautiful, tender places you’ll know. Protect it fiercely, grow it bravely, and return to it often.
Know that I will be here for both of you for all of it - the messy, the wild, the tough, the beautiful - all of it. Love you.♥️
Oct 2
