Want to Make a Change? Try This …

Want to Make a Change? Here we go ...

Criticism never builds. Ever. Not even with a happy building word like ‘constructive’ before it. Criticism is criticism. It’s never constructive and it’s never helpful. It paralyses willpower and shackles the capacity to change. It makes the receiver less confident, less shiny, less able. 

Yet, when we try to do something differently and don’t quite get therewe can be so quick to criticise. Too often, we unleash words on ourselves that crush our willpower, our confidence and our motivation. Rather than protecting ourselves with the fight of a warrior, we let the harsh words stream through our cracks like dirty water. We’re never going to change anything while that’s going on.

Stay the same to change. Wait. What?

It’s a paradox, but the more we accept the way we are, the more likely we are to change. Here’s how that works …

When we try something new, the critic inside us has something to push against – and it will push: ‘You’ll never do it.’ ‘You couldn’t change if you wanted to.’ ‘You’ll just disappoint yourself again. Save yourself the trouble and stop now.’ Our inner critic will always prefer things to stay as they are. That way, there’s no room for disappointment. If we lapse, even a little, the critic gets louder. It has more reason than ever to get us to stop. ‘Told you.’ ‘You’ve ruined it.’ ‘May as well give up now.’ ‘You’ll just end up disappointed if you keep going. You don’t want that.’ When the critic inside us becomes too noisy and overbearing, we’ll do whatever is needed to quiet it. We’ll give up. Partly because we believe the noise. Partly because we’re drained. 

On the other hand, when we accept ourselves as we are, our inner critic is put to bed. There’s nothing to push against. As long as we’re not trying to change, there’s no danger of failing. We don’t need our critic to hold us back because if we’re not trying anything new, there’s no disappointment to hold us back from. When we stand fully as we are (rather than somewhere between who we are and who we’d like to be) one of two things will happen.

The first is that we’ll actually realise that we’re pretty okay – maybe even better than okay – as we are.

The second is that we’ll become so frustrated with our ‘is’ that we won’t be able to help changing. The more the familiar is amplified, the more we will get to know what the familiar actually is – what it looks like, feels like, what it does to us. With this will come the energy and the willpower to change. The excuses just won’t work any more.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say you want to give up sugar. Having made the decision, it’s likely that every time you reach for something you ‘shouldn’t’ be eating, first you’ll make an excuse. ‘But I’ve been really great for 2 hours – no sugar at all – and a girl can’t live on fresh air, ammiright?’, or ‘I’m eating out with friends, so it doesn’t really count. Yep. Show me the dessert menu. Really? Dinner first. Fine then.’ Then, once the sugar is safely in your belly with no chance of return, it’s likely that you’ll cane yourself for doing it. ‘You’ve ruined it.’ ‘You’re useless.’ ‘May as well make the most of the rest of the weekend and start again on Monday. Seconds anyone?’ Familiar? 

The alternative is to fully accept that you and sugar are a pretty tight duo. Rather than making excuses when you go for something sweet, just let it happen, but take a moment to own it. Be mindful of what you’re doing. ‘I’m going to eat this crazy good sweet thing. I’m going to bite it, chew it, swallow it and feel okay. That’s what I’m going to do.’ Then, see how you feel. Do you still want to go through with your sugar hit? That’s absolutely fine. Go for it. But whatever you do, don’t give yourself a hard time when you do. Just acknowledge it, and see what happens. It’s likely that if you do this enough, eventually you’ll end on, ‘No actually, I won’t.’ 

I know this works. I’ve done it myself. 

Try this …

Mindset is critical to change. We need to build up rather than to tear down. Every time. 

♦  What would lift you?

You’ve failed again. You have no willpower. You’re always going to be fat. 

OR

So you missed a day. Well that’s no big deal. Pop on your shoes and let’s go for a walk.

♦   What would keep you in the game?

You’re useless. Two days was all you could go. Now it’s all ruined. You’re back to where you started. Knew you couldn’t do it.

OR 

So you ate the ice cream. That’s alright. You went all day yesterday and stayed completely on track. Next time, let’s try half as much.

♦   What would inspire you?

Why do you stand there and say nothing. You’re so dull. You may as well be invisible. Just say something – anything – and stop being so shy! 

OR 

People who know you love you. You’re pretty amazing you know. You should give more people the chance to see what all the fuss is about.

It might take longer but patience, acceptance and compassion is key to change. 

This is particularly important with children. Criticism will knock the spirit right out of them. And once it’s gone, you can’t knock it back in. You need to know this: Inside all of us is that child, craving our approval. When we give ourselves a hard time – when we bully ourselves – that small child withers, and takes the rest of us down with it. 

If someone else is stunting your growth …

If you’re the one feeling flattened, hurt or bruised by someone else, you deserve better. Without exception. If you’re being criticised for something that has no impact whatsoever on anyone else, it’s very likely that whoever is doing this to you is seeing something in you that they don’t like about their own self.

It works like this. We all have things about ourselves we don’t like. When we don’t get comfortable with those things, we’ll work really hard to push them down to where they can be ignored. The problem is that this really doesn’t work very well. The more we ignore those qualities in ourselves, the more we notice them in other people. It’s just the way it is. When we see them in others, they act as reminders that stir up the muddy depths of ourselves where we keep our hidden things. Many times these things that we hide don’t deserve to be hidden but for some reason we’ve learn to hate these parts of ourselves and reject them. In the next person, those same qualities might live happily in awareness with no need to be pushed away, but we’re all different aren’t we. 

Criticism feels bad because it usually comes with so much more than the message When criticism is spoken with a spiked tongue, or thrown with a fistful of shame, it will always be hard to find the message that was intended. 

Words can wound or they can lift. Even the ones that hurt can come from good intentions, but good intentions won’t repair the damage and put back what criticism drains. 

There are always things we can learn. When the message is given with love and generous intent, it might be one to listen to. When it’s a cruel message delivered in a cruel way, move the messenger along. You’re just too good for them. You really are.

Be you own greatest fan club … and watch you go.

The hardest thing isn’t changing, but easing up on the things we do to ourselves that hold us back. It takes courage and strength to get out of our own way, usually because it means doing something new and unfamiliar – and that’s never easy.

Words that deliver potential and acceptance (‘You’ve got this!’) will work wonders. Every time. Accept where you’re at and speak to yourself only ever in a way that gives you flight. Then, watch you go, because honestly, you’ve got this.

5 Comments

Pam

Hi Karen, I just happened on this article and once again you have fired me up. You really do know your stuff, no doubt. I’m ashamed to say it, but I have been at both ends of the criticism, mostly out of self-defense for my part but it really hit home and I am going to do my best to remember this little lesson. I do know how bad it feels when it seems like no matter what you do, there is something wrong with it, and it is even worse that they see nothing good about me. And now that person isn’t in my life I have caught myself almost taking over where they left off. I’m very self critical, and I catch myself saying things to myself that I would NEVER say to another person. It’s a bad habit and very hard to stop it but I’m noticing now that I catch it more often and quickly change it. I guess like anything good, you have to practice and practice if you want to succeed. Anyway, I”m giving you another thumbs up, not only do you write well, you know what you are talking about and I like that a lot, especially the honesty. Thank You.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

You’re so welcome Pam. It’s so easy to take on the harmful messages from other people. As you said, we take over where they left off. The important part is being aware of where these messages happen. Self-criticism and judgement happen so automatically. It sounds as though you are getting increasing clarity and wisdom around this. Keep practising. The more you catch yourself telling yourself the things that hurt you, the quicker you will be to catch them and steer towards something different. Keep moving forward. You have everything you need inside you to do this.

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Sue F

Another positive article Karen. I remember somebody saying to me years ago “I’m going to be brutally honest with you”. Actually they were just brutal! If people just realised what it does to your self esteem and confidence.

Reply
Jennifer

This article referencing “Criticism” is truly an honest and effective approach to “Ridding your own Defeat”. I know this personally as I have learned (most especially through my adult life) to “own my behaviors”. Honesty with ones self is the absolute ONLY way to make the changes necessary for a fulfilling and happy life. No one but you can be the changing force to self productivity. Own it…and Go get it done!!

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I’m so excited for this! I’m coming back to Perth in February for another parent talk on 'Strengthening Children and Teens Against Anxiety'. Here’s the when and the where:

⏰ 6:30-8:30pm | 📆 Wed 22 Feb 2023
📍 Peter Moyes Anglican Community School, #mindarie

For tickets or more info google:

Parenting Connection WA Karen Young anxiety Mindarie Perth

💜 Thanks to @ngalaraisinghappiness for hosting this event.

#supportingwaparents #parentingwa
Let them know …

Anxiety shows up to check that you’re okay, not to tell you that you’re not. It’s your brain’s way of saying, ‘Not sure - there might be some trouble here, but there might not be, but just in case you should be ready for it if it comes, which it might not – but just in case you’d better be ready to run or fight – but it might be totally fine.’ Brains can be so confusing sometimes! 

You have a brain that is strong, healthy and hardworking. It’s magnificent and it’s doing a brilliant job of doing exactly what brains are meant to do – keep you alive. 

Your brain is fabulous, but it needs you to be the boss. Here’s how. When you feel anxious, ask yourself two questions:

- ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger or because there’s something brave or important I need to do?’

- Then, ‘Is this a time for me to be safe (sometimes it might be) or is this a time for me to be brave?

And remember, you will always have ‘brave’ in you, and anxiety doesn’t change that a bit.♥️

#positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #parenting #childanxiety #heywarrior #heywarriorbook
The temptation to fix their big feelings can be seismic. Often this is connected to needing to ease our own discomfort at their discomfort, which is so very normal.

Big feelings in them are meant to raise (sometimes big) feelings in us. This is all a healthy part of the attachment system. It happens to mobilise us to respond to their distress, or to protect them if their distress is in response to danger.

Emotion is energy in motion. We don’t want to bury it, stop it, smother it, and we don’t need to fix it. What we need to do is make a safe passage for it to move through them. 

Think of emotion like a river. Our job is to hold the ground strong and steady at the banks so the river can move safely, without bursting the banks.

However hard that river is racing, they need to know we can be with the river (the emotion), be with them, and handle it. This might feel or look like you aren’t doing anything, but actually it’s everything.

The safety that comes from you being the strong, steady presence that can lovingly contain their big feelings will let the emotional energy move through them and bring the brain back to calm.

Eventually, when they have lots of experience of us doing this with them, they will learn to do it for themselves, but that will take time and experience. The experience happens every time you hold them steady through their feelings. 

This doesn’t mean ignoring big behaviour. For them, this can feel too much like bursting through the banks, which won’t feel safe. Sometimes you might need to recall the boundary and let them know where the edges are, while at the same time letting them see that you can handle the big of the feeling. Its about loving and leading all at once. ‘It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to use those words at me.’

Ultimately, big feelings are a call for support. Sometimes support looks like breathing and being with. Sometimes it looks like showing them you can hold the boundary, even when they feel like they’re about to burst through it. And if they’re using spicy words to get us to back off, it might look like respecting their need for space but staying in reaching distance, ‘Ok, I’m right here whenever you need.’♥️
We all need certain things to feel safe enough to put ourselves into the world. Kids with anxiety have magic in them, every one of them, but until they have a felt sense of safety, it will often stay hidden.

‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what they feel. At school, they might have the safest, most loving teacher in the safest, most loving school. This doesn’t mean they will feel enough relational safety straight away that will make it easier for them to do hard things. They can still do those hard things, but those things are going to feel bigger for a while. This is where they’ll need us and their other anchor adult to be patient, gentle, and persistent.

Children aren’t meant to feel safe with and take the lead from every adult. It’s not the adult’s role that makes the difference, but their relationship with the child.

Children are no different to us. Just because an adult tells them they’ll be okay, it doesn’t mean they’ll feel it or believe it. What they need is to be given time to actually experience the person as being safe, supportive and ready to catch them.

Relationship is key. The need for safety through relationship isn’t an ‘anxiety thing’. It’s a ‘human thing’. When we feel closer to the people around us, we can rise above the mountains in our way. When we feel someone really caring about us, we’re more likely to open up to their influence
and learn from them.

But we have to be patient. Even for teachers with big hearts and who undertand the importance of attachment relationships, it can take time.

Any adult at school can play an important part in helping a child feel safe – as long as that adult is loving, warm, and willing to do the work to connect with that child. It might be the librarian, the counsellor, the office person, a teacher aide. It doesn’t matter who, as long as it is someone who can be available for that child at dropoff or when feelings get big during the day and do little check-ins along the way.

A teacher, or any important adult can make a lasting difference by asking, ‘How do I build my relationship with this child so s/he trusts me when I say, ‘I’ve got you, and I know you can do this.’♥️

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