What do Men and Women Find Attractive? Well Here’s One Thing …

The Trait Men and Women Find Attractive

Well this is good to know … A recent study from the University of Queensland in Australia has found a trait that both men and women find attractive in potential partners.

We tend to speculate about the things men and women find attractive, so anything that can add substance to the conversation is welcome news. 

The trait is non-conformity and it turns out that both men and women think it’s a little bit of wonderful.


The Research. What They Did

Researchers asked 115 undergraduate students to rate the attractiveness of 20 individuals based on their profiles. Participants then had to say whether or not they would be interested in going on a date with the person behind the profile.

Each profile was ‘manipulated’ to emphasise conformity (with statements such as, ‘She is quite happy to go along with what others are doing,’) or non-conformity (‘She often does her own thing rather than fit in with the group.)

The participants were asked which people of the opposite sex they found most attractive. They were also asked to name which members of their own sex they thought would be most attractive to others.

What They Found

So what do men and women find attractive?

Both the men and women were more attracted to the profiles of people who seemed to know their own mind. 

Interestingly though, the men were more accurate in predicting which profiles would be the most attractive to the opposite sex.

Women tended to overestimate the extent to which men would prefer women who followed the crowd, but it turns out that’s not the case. Men prefer women who know their own mind.


To test out whether the finings were unique to the Australian culture, the study was also conducted in Britain, America and India. The results were similar to those found in Australia. Both men and women prefer partners who can think for themselves.

The research dispels a common belief (or maybe a stereotypical belief) that men prefer women who are submissive and agreeable. Of course some men prefer this (just as some women prefer men who are more conforming) but for the vast majority this just isn’t the case. For them, women with their own minds are the ones who get their attention – and the first date.

In a world that can sometimes feel like it presses too hard for prescription and conformity, it’s feels more than a little bit excellent to know that an independent mind is where it’s at to send sparks flying. Thanks science.

(Image Credit: Unsplash | Morgan Sessions)

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First, we ask the questions of us:

Are they relationally safe?
- Do they have an anchor adult at school?
- Do they know how to access this adult?
- Do they feel welcome, a sense of belonging, warmth from their adults?

Do they feel safe in their bodies?
- Are they able to move their bodies when they need to?
- Are they free from sensory overload or underload?
- If not, what is their bare minimum list to achieve this with minimum disruption to the class, keeping in mind that when they feel safer in their bodies, there will naturally be less disruptive behaviour and more capacity to engage, learn, regulate.

Then we ask the question of them:

What's one little step you can take? And don't tell me nothing because I know that you are amazing, and brave, and capable. I'm here right beside you to show you how much. I believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself enough yet.❤️

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Boundaries aren't requests we make of them. They're the actions we take to keep them (and everyone else involved) physically safe, relationally safe, and to preserve values when they aren't able to.

The rule: Phones in the basket at 5pm.

The boundary: (What I'm going to do when you're having trouble with the rule.) 

'Okay - I can see you're having trouble popping your phone in the basket. I'm just going to sit beside you as a reminder that it's time. Take your time. I'll just watch over your shoulder until you're ready. So who are we texting? What are we watching?'

Or:

'I know you hate this rule. It's okay to be annoyed. It's not okay to yell. I'm not going to listen while you're yelling.' 

Then, 'This phones in the basket thing is chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. We'll see how we go tomorrow and if it's bumpy, we'll shift to phones in the basket from 4:30pm. Let's see how we go.'

It's not a punishment or a threat. It's also not about what they do, but about what we do to lead the situation into a better place.

Of course, this doesn't always mean we'll hold the boundary with a calm and clear head. It certainly doesn't mean that. We're human and sometimes we'll lose our own minds as though they weren't ours to own. Ugh. Been there too many times. That's okay - this is an opportunity to model humility, repair, self-compassion. What's important is that we repair the relational rupture as soon as we can. This might sound like, 'I'm sorry I yelled. That must have been confusing for you - me yelling at you to stop yelling. Let's try that again.'❤️
Boundaries are about what WE do to preserve physical safety, relational safety, and values. They aren’t about punishment. They’re the consequences that make sense as a way to put everything right again and restore calm and safety.

When someone is in the midst of big feelings or big behaviour, they (as with all of us when we’re steamy) have limited capacity to lead the situation into a better place.

Because of this, rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus on what we can do to lead back to calm. 

This might sound like:

The rule (what we want them to do): Phones go in the basket at 5pm. 

The boundary (what we do when the rule is broken), with love and leadership: ‘I can see you’re having trouble letting go of your phone. That’s okay - I’m just going to sit beside you until you’re ready. Take your time. You’re not in trouble. I’ll just stay here and watch over your shoulder until you’re done.’

Or …

‘I can see this phones in the basket process is dragging out and chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. If that keeps happening I’ll be starting this process at 4pm instead of 5pm.’

And if there’s a bit of spice in their response, part of being a reliable, sturdy leader is also being able to lead them through that. Even if on the inside you feel like you’re about to explode 🤯 (we’ve all been there), the posture is ‘I can handle this, and I can handle you.’ This might sound like,

‘Yep you’re probably going to have a bit to say about it. That’s okay - I don’t need you to agree with me. I know it’s annoying - and it’s happening.’

‘I won’t listen when you’re speaking to me like this. Take your time though. Get it out of you and then we can get on with the evening.’

Then, when the spicy has gone, that’s the time to talk about what’s happened. ‘You’re such a great kid. I know you know it’s not okay to talk to me like that. How are we going to put this right? Let’s yet 5pm again tomorrow and see how we go. If it causes trouble we’ll start earlier. I actually think we’ll be okay though.’♥️
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