What Lies Beneath: The Surprising Truth About Aggressive People

An aggressive strike can come out of the blue, when there seems to be little or no incentive or motivation. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not, they can be at their most damaging when expectation of attack isn’t even on the radar.

Researchers have now uncovered what may lie beneath an unexpected aggressive encounter.

Rather than being about inflicting harm, pre-emptive aggressionseems to be a form of self-defence, motivated by the fear of being attacked first. The underlying assumption being that ‘those who strike first don’t get hurt’.


 

The Research. What They Did.

In a study published in The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers devised a game in which participants were faced with a decision:

  1. Press a red button, resulting in the player paying 100 points, the opponent paying 1000 points and losing capacity to press the button; or
  2. Do nothing, with the risk that the opponent will press the red button.

If neither player pressed the button, both players received the highest possible payoff of 1500 points. The only reason for either participant to press the button was to defend against the possibility of the other player pressing the button and costing the player 1000 points.

What They Found

When players considered their opponent as capable of attack, most made a preemptive strike by pressing the red button first. However, when the partner was seen as not having the capability, they did nothing.

There didn’t necessarily need to be any history that would point to an attack being likely, just the belief that the other person was capable of attack.


This defensive type of aggression seems to be different to other forms of aggression as it is done to protect the self, rather than to hurt the other person.

Despite the intention, defensive aggression can produce consequences as serious as those of spiteful aggression.

Aggression feels like aggression and whether or not harm is intended, harm is often what is done.

It’s not always possible to avoid angry people. Similarly, it is not always possible to know what fuels an angry fire. What we do know is that something fuels it – anger is a secondary emotion. There is always another emotion hiding beneath it. Always. The common ones are jealousy, sadness or, as demonstrated by this study, fear or insecurity.

Having this knowledge won’t calm a savage beast, but it can help blanket the temptation to take their aggression personally and let their emotional fallout seep beneath your skin.

Knowing that for some people an aggressive response is a self-preservation one, there is a lot to gain in showing your hand as a safe, unloaded one.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

Never in the history of forever has there been such a  lavish opportunity for a year to be better than the last. Not to be grabby, but you know what I’d love this year? Less opportunities that come in the name of ‘resilience’. I’m ready for joy, or adventure, or connection, or gratitude, or courage - anything else but resilience really. Opportunities for resilience have a place, but 2020 has been relentless with its servings, and it’s time for an out breath. Here’s hoping 2021 will be a year that wraps its loving arms around us. I’m ready for that. x
The holidays are a wonderland of everything that can lead to hyped up, exhausted, cranky, excited, happy kids (and adults). Sometimes they’ll cycle through all of these within ten minutes. Sugar will constantly pry their little mouths wide open and jump inside, routines will laugh at you from a distance, there will be gatherings and parties, and everything will feel a little bit different to usual. And a bit like magic. 

Know that whatever happens, it’s all part of what the holidays are meant to look like. They aren’t meant to be pristine and orderly and exactly as planned. They were never meant to be that. Christmas is about people, your favourite ones, not tasks. If focusing on the people means some of the tasks fall down, let that be okay, because that’s what Christmas is. It’s about you and your people. It’s not about proving your parenting stamina, or that you’ve raised perfectly well-behaved humans, or that your family can polish up like the catalog ones any day of the week, or that you can create restaurant quality meals and decorate the table like you were born doing it. Christmas is messy and ridiculous and exhausting and there will be plenty of frayed edges. And plenty of magic. The magic will happen the way it always happens. Not with the decorations or the trimmings or the food or the polish, but by being with the ones you love, and the ones who love you right back.

When it all starts to feel too important, too necessary and too ‘un-let-go-able’, be guided by the bigger truth, which is that more than anything, you will all remember how you all felt – as in how happy they felt, how loved they felt were, how noticed they felt. They won’t care about the instagram-worthy meals on the table, the cleanliness of the floors, how many relatives they visited, or how impressed other grown-ups were with their clean faces and darling smiles. It’s easy to forget sometimes, that what matters most at Christmas isn’t the tasks, but the people – the ones who would give up pretty much anything just to have the day with you.
Some days are great days. We want to squeeze every delicious moment out of them and keep them forever somewhere safe and reachable where our loved days and precious things are kept. Then there are days that are truly awful - the days we want to fold in half, and then in half again and again and again until those days are too small to hurt us any more. But days are like that aren’t they. For better or worse they will come and they will go. Sometimes the effects of them will stay – the glow, the growth, the joy, the bruises – long after those days have gone. And despite what I know to be true - that these are the days that will make us braver, stronger, kinder and wiser, sometimes I don’t feel any of that for a while. I just see the stretch marks. But that’s the way life is, isn’t it. It can be hard and beautiful all in sequence and all at once.
⁣
One of the tough things about being human is that to live wholeheartedly means to open ourselves to both - the parts that are plump with happiness, and the parts that hurt. We don’t have to choose which one can stay. They can exist together. Not always in equal measure, and not always enough of the beautiful to make the awful feel tolerable, or to give it permission to be, but they can exist together - love through loss, hope through heartache. The big memory-making times that fatten life to full enough, and the ones that come with breakage or loss. The loss matters and the joy matters. The existence of either doesn't make the other matter any less. 
⁣
What I also know to be true is that eventually, the space taken up by loss or heartache changes space for enough of the beautiful to exist with it. This is when we can start to move with. Sadness still, perhaps, but with hope, with courage, with strength and softness, with openness to what comes next. Because living bravely and wholeheartedly doesn't mean getting over loss or denying the feelings that take our breath away sometimes. It means honouring both, and in time, moving with.♥️
We all need to know that we can have an influence on the world around us when we need to. This need might become bigger when the world feels more wobbly and unpredictable. The brain craves familiarity and predictability, and when it doesn't get it, it can go looking for control of anything, anywhere, any time. This isn't always convenient - often it isn't - but it can happen in all of us from time time.
⁣
If the littles (and bigs) in your life seem to be trying to control too many of things that aren't theirs to control, they might be feeling a gaping hole in their capacity to control the things that they can usually count on. If you get a sense that this might be happening, whenever you can (and you won't always be able to), give them space to rest in your calm, strong, loving presence. It's the most certain way to bring them in from the storm.
⁣
They might want to talk. They might not. What's important in those moments is that they feel noticed, heard and seen. 'It's been a big day hasn't it. Would you like me to sit with you for a bit?' If you can, try to see behind them to the need that might be driving their behaviour. Their behaviour might be terrible, but the need driving it will be a valid one - the need for power and influence, safety, comfort, attention, sleep, food, space. We can all tilt towards ogre-ish behaviour when we're not getting what we need, especially when our resources are too depleted for us to gather up enough 'nice' to deal with it and stay adorable while we do.
⁣
In those moments, what we need most of all (especially if the need is an 'unmeetable' one) is for our people to come closer. This might not always be a physical closeness - sometimes we just want space - but 'closer' in the sense of, ‘I see you love, and I'm here'. It's lovely, and when we're acting like a week-long temper on legs, it's just the thing to bring us back to ourselves. Our kiddos are no different. When the world feels unpredictable, and they're trying to manage that by managing everything else, whenever you can, make the space beside you bigger, and let them feel the certainty of that.
⁣
 #positiveparenting #anxietyinchildren #parenting #mindfulparenting
Today was an ending and a beginning. My darling girl finished year 12. The final year at school is tough enough, but this year was seismic. Our teens have moved through this year with the most outstanding courage and grace and strength, and now it is time for them to rest and play. My gosh they deserve it. 

It is true that this is a time of celebration, but it can also be an intense time of self-reflection for our teens. (I can remember the same feelings when my gorgeous boy finished so many years ago!) My daughter has described it as, ‘I feel as though I’ve outgrown myself but my new self isn’t ready yet.’ This just makes so much sense. 

There is a beautifully fertile void that is waiting for whatever comes next for each of them, but that void is still a void. At different times it might feel exciting, overwhelming, or brutal in its emptiness.

We also have to remember that this is a time of letting go, and there might be grief that comes with that. Before they can grab on to their next big adventure, they have to let go of the guard rails. This means gently adjusting their hold on the world they have known for the last 12+ years, with its places and routines and people that have felt like home on so many days. There will be redirects and shiftings, and through it all the things that need to stay will stay, and the things that need to adjust will adjust. 

To my darling girl, your loved incredible friends, and the teens who make our world what it is - you are the beautiful  thinkers, the big feelers, the creators, the change makers, and the ones who will craft and grow a better world. However you might feel now, the lights are waiting to shine for you and because of you. The world beyond school is opening its arms to you. That opening might happen quickly, or gently, or smoothly or chaotically, but it will happen. This world needs every one of you - your voices, your spirits, your fire, your softness, your strength and your power. You are world-ready, and we are so glad you are here xxx
This error message is only visible to WordPress admins

Error: API requests are being delayed. New posts will not be retrieved for at least 5 minutes.

Pin It on Pinterest