When Children Do Something Hurtful

Child in when children do something hurtful

When our children do something hurtful to us or to others, there is nothing growthful for them to learn if we hurt them back.

But – if we empathise, we build empathy.

If we show compassion, we build compassion.

If we stay connected, we can lead and teach.

If we stay curious, we learn.

If we stay calm, we show them we can handle all versions of them, and that we are safe to listen to and turn to, always.

Understandably, many adults might be wed to the idea that young people will only learn to do better by having consequences that hurt. This might include punishment, disconnected consequences, or anything that separates physically (time-out) or emotionally (shame, shouty voices, angry faces).

It’s what we were told to do for decades by ‘experts’ and people in the know. But now we can all know better.

It’s also a leftover from the way we were parented. Our childhood experience with these responses means they might feel familiar, but this doesn’t make them ‘right’.

We’ve also been seduced by the way they seem to work. If you punish or separate a child from you, you will get a quiet child back. But a quiet child doesn’t mean a calm child.

Unless their body and brain are truly calm, we don’t have access to the part of the brain necessary for learning.

We also risk our connection, and we can’t lead them if they aren’t connected. They’re no different to us. We’re more likely to take guidance from, and turn to, people we know will be open to us and who make us feel loved no matter what. They might tell us what we’ve done isn’t okay, but they’ll do it lovingly.

We can love and lead at the same time. In fact, it’s the only way if we want them to turn to us instead of the secretive or the forbidden.

So what does that look like?

During the storm it looks like holding the boundary AND attending to relationship. Then after the storm, separating them from their behaviour. 

During: ‘It’s okay to be angry at me (relationship). It’s not okay to use those words (boundary). I want to understand what you need (r) but I won’t listen while you’re yelling (b). I’m right here (r). Do you want me to stay or do you want space?’

After: ‘You’re such a great kid (them). I know you know that wasn’t okay (their behaviour). What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help?’ Then, ‘What might you do differently next time you feel angry/ upset/ frustrated?’ (Tie the response to the feeling.) Or, ‘What might you do next time this happens? (Tie the response to the situation.)

Separating them from their behaviour is vital to ensuring they grow to be healthy, happy, vibrant adults. Children will take their experiences and how they feel and make them part of their identity.

This is where the ideas behind traditional disciplines fall down terribly. The whole point of traditional responses such as time out, shame, or punishment has been to make children feel bad so that they would do better. We now know that it just doesn’t work that way. The more children feel bad, the more likely they are to make this part of who they are. ‘I feel bad’ becomes ‘I am bad’. The risk is that ultimately, if children feel bad enough, enough times, they will lean into the bravado of bad – the ‘badass-ness’ of being bad. 

Of course as hard as we might try to stay loving and connected, some days it won’t always go this way, and that’s okay. We’re human, with human hearts that feel big and human brains that step out at inconvenient times. Repair the rupture as soon as you can, and know there is also learning for them in our humility, imperfection, and our willingness to own our behaviour.

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Mattering is about feeling valued and feeling like I’m doing something that adds value. It doesn’t have to come from grades or schoolwork, and for so many kids it probably won’t. There are so many ways to help kids feel seen and valued that have nothing to do with schoolwork, but which can work to engage them in schoolwork. Little things make a big difference. 

We also have to let our teachers know how much the matter. They are the greatest key to ‘mattering’ (or unmattering) in our schools and for our young people.♥️
If we want to meet their learning needs, we first have to meet their relational ones. If we want them to be open to learning, they first have to open to the adult they are learning from - and they won’t be open if they don’t feel seen, safe, and cared for. It’s not always easy, it’s just how it is.♥️
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We know there are too many kids struggling right now, including those from loving, responsive families and in loving, responsive schools. 

One of the places these struggles will show themselves is at school, even in the most loving responsive ones. Sometimes these struggles show themselves with a roar, sometimes with nothing at all.

Too many kids are feeling no sense at all that they matter. They don’t feel they are doing something that matters, and they don’t feel that they matter to others.

Too many of them will go weeks at school without hearing their name in a way that makes them feel seen, cared for, and valued.

Too many of them are showing up at school but are noticed more when they don’t, even if only by the unticked box beside their name.

For too many kids, we are asking them to show up when they don’t feel like they have anything to offer, or anything at all to show up for. Why wouldn’t they struggle?

This week I had the greatest privilege of speaking to a room of 300 school well-being staff about how to support all children, how to catch the ones who are struggling, and what we can do to buffer, protect and heal all young people at school.

If you are a parent of a young person who is struggling, I want you to know that schools are working hard to hold them, lovingly and safely.

I know there are also many parents who haven’t had this experience, and your children haven’t got what they need. I know that. I want you to know that change is happening. I want you to know what I see when I work with the wellbeing staff at these schools. They care. They really do. They are so invested in supporting your children, seeing the child behind the student and showing up big for all of them. The work is happening. There’s a lot to do, but it’s happening.

Yes we need more resources, and yes more people, and yes we’re asking more of our schools and teachers than ever, and yes the world is asking more of our kids than ever, but the work is happening.

Thank you to the Department of Education Queensland for working with me, and thank you to the wellbeing staff, teachers, and leadership who are giving everything they can to be there for our children. You matter.♥️

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