The fallout from an addiction, for addicts and the people who love them, is devastating – the manipulations, the guilt, the destruction of relationships and the breakage of people. When addicts know they are loved by someone who is invested in them, they immediately have fuel for their addiction. Your love and your need to bring them safely through their addiction might see you giving money you can’t afford, saying yes when that yes will destroy you, lying to protect them, and having your body turn cold with fear from the midnight ring of the phone. You dread seeing them and you need to see them, all at once.
You might stop liking them, but you don’t stop loving them. If you’re waiting for the addict to stop the insanity – the guilt trips, the lying, the manipulation – it’s not going to happen. If you can’t say no to the manipulations of their addiction in your unaddicted state, know that they won’t say no from their addicted one. Not because they won’t, but because they can’t.
If you love an addict, it will be a long and excruciating road before you realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do. It will come when you’re exhausted, heartbroken, and when you feel the pain of their self-destruction pressing relentlessly and permanently against you. The relationships and the world around you will start to break, and you’ll cut yourself on the jagged pieces. That’s when you’ll know, from the deepest and purest part of you, that you just can’t live like this any more.
I’ve worked with plenty of addicts, but the words in this post come from loving one. I have someone in my life who has been addicted to various substances. It’s been heartbreaking to watch. It’s been even more heartbreaking to watch the effect on the people I love who are closer to him than I am.
I would be lying if I said that my compassion has been undying. It hasn’t. It’s been exhausted and stripped back to bare. I feel regularly as though I have nothing left to give him. What I’ve learned, after many years, is that there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change him. With all of our combined wisdom, strength, love and unfailing will to make things better for him, there is nothing we can do.
I realised a while ago that I couldn’t ride in the passenger seat with someone at the wheel who was on such a relentless path to self-destruction. It’s taken many years, a lot of sadness, and a lot of collateral damage to people, relationships and lives outside of his.
What I do know is that when he is ready to change direction, I’ll be there, with love, compassion and a fierce commitment to stand beside him in whatever way he needs to support his recovery. He will have an army of people behind him and beside him when he makes the decision, but until then, I and others who love him are powerless. I know that.
Nobody intends for a behaviour to become an addiction, and if you are someone who loves an addict – whether it’s a parent, child, partner, friend, sibling – the guilt, the shame and the helplessness can be overwhelming.
Addiction is not a disease of character, personality, spirit or circumstance. It can happen to anyone. It’s a human condition with human consequences, and being that we’re all human, we’re all vulnerable. Addicts can come from any life and from any family. It’s likely that in our lifetime, if we don’t love someone with an addiction, we’ll know someone who does, so this is an important conversation to have, for all of us.
The problem with loving an addict is that sometimes the things that will help them are the things that would seem hurtful, cold and cruel if they were done in response to non-addicts. Often, the best ways to respond to an addict have the breathtaking capacity to drown those who love them with guilt, grief, self-doubt and of course, resistance.
Loving an addict in any capacity can be one of the loneliest places in the world. It’s easy to feel judged for withdrawing support for the addict, but eventually, this becomes the only possible response. Unless someone has been in battle armour beside you, fighting the fight, being brought to their knees, with their heart-broken and their will tested, it’s not for them to judge.
The more we can talk about openly about addiction, the more we can lift the shame, guilt, grief and unyielding self-doubt that often stands in the way of being able to respond to an addict in a way that supports their healing, rather than their addiction. It’s by talking that we give each other permission to feel what we feel, love who we love, and be who we are, with the vulnerabilities, frayed edges, courage and wisdom that are all a part of being human.
When Someone You Love is an Addict.
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You’re dealing with someone different now.
When an addiction takes hold, the person you love disappears, at least until the addiction loosens its grip. The person you love is still in there somewhere, but that’s not who you’re dealing with. The person you remember may have been warm, funny, generous, wise, strong – so many wonderful things – but addiction changes people. It takes a while to adjust to this reality and it’s very normal to respond to the addicted person as though he or she is the person you remember. This is what makes it so easy to fall for the manipulations, the lies and the betrayal – over and over. You’re responding to the person you remember – but this is not that person. The sooner you’re able to accept this, the sooner you can start working for the person you love and remember, which will mean doing what sometimes feels cruel, and always heartbreaking, so the addiction is starved of the power to keep that person away. The person you love is in there – support that person, not the addict in front of you. The sooner you’re able to stop falling for the manipulations, lies, shame and guilt that feeds their addiction, the more likely it will be that the person you remember will be able to find the way back to you.
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Don’t expect them to be on your logic.
When an addiction takes hold, the person’s reality becomes distorted by that addiction. Understand that you can’t reason with them or talk them into seeing things the way you do. For them, their lies don’t feel like lies. Their betrayal doesn’t feel like betrayal. Their self-destruction doesn’t always feel like self-destruction. It feels like survival. Change will come when there is absolutely no other option but to change, not when you’re able to find the switch by giving them enough information or logic.
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When you’re protecting them from their own pain, you’re standing in the way of their reason to stop.
Addicts will do anything to feed their addiction because when the addiction isn’t there, the emotional pain that fills the space is greater. People will only change when what they are doing causes them enough pain, that changing is a better option than staying the same. That’s not just for addicts, that’s for all of us. We often avoid change – relationships, jobs, habits – until we’ve felt enough discomfort with the old situation, to open up to a different option.
Change happens when the force for change is greater than the force to stay the same. Until the pain of the addiction outweighs the emotional pain that drives the addiction, there will be no change.
When you do something that makes their addictive behaviour easier, or protects them from the pain of their addiction – perhaps by loaning them money, lying for them, driving them around – you’re stopping them from reaching the point where they feel enough pain that letting go of the addiction is a better option. Don’t minimise the addiction, ignore it, make excuses for it or cover it up. Love them, but don’t stand in the way of their healing by protecting them from the pain of their addiction.
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There’s a different way to love an addict.
When you love them the way you loved them before the addiction, you can end up supporting the addiction, not the person. Strong boundaries are important for both of you. The boundaries you once had might find you innocently doing things that make it easier for the addiction to continue. It’s okay to say no to things you might have once agreed to – in fact, it’s vital – and is often one of the most loving things you can do. If it’s difficult, have an anchor – a phrase or an image to remind you of why your ‘no’ is so important. If you feel as though saying no puts you in danger, the addiction has firmly embedded itself into the life of the person you love. In these circumstances, be open to the possibility that you may need professional support to help you to stay safe, perhaps by stopping contact. Keeping a distance between you both is no reflection on how much love and commitment you feel to the person, and all about keeping you both safe.
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Your boundaries – they’re important for both of you.
If you love an addict, your boundaries will often have to be stronger and higher than they are with other people in your life. It’s easy to feel shame and guilt around this, but know that your boundaries are important because they’ll be working hard for both of you. Setting boundaries will help you to see things more clearly from all angles because you won’t be as blinded by the mess or as willing to see things through the addict’s eyes – a view that often involves entitlement, hopelessness, and believing in the validity of his or her manipulative behaviour. Set your boundaries lovingly and as often as you need to. Be clear about the consequences of violating the boundaries and make sure you follow through, otherwise it’s confusing for the addict and unfair for everyone. Pretending that your boundaries aren’t important will see the addict’s behaviour get worse as your boundaries get thinner. In the end this will only hurt both of you.
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You can’t fix them, and it’s important for everyone that you stop trying.
The addict and what they do are completely beyond your control. They always will be. An addiction is all-consuming and it distorts reality. Know the difference between what you can change (you, the way you think, the things you do) and what you can’t change (anyone else). There will be a strength that comes from this, but believing this will take time, and that’s okay. If you love someone who has an addiction, know that their stopping isn’t just a matter of wanting to. Let go of needing to fix them or change them and release them with love, for your sake and for theirs.
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See the reality.
When fear becomes overwhelming, denial is a really normal way to protect yourself from a painful reality. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay, but this will only allow the addictive behaviour to bury itself in deeper. Take notice if you are being asked to provide money, emotional resources, time, babysitting – anything more than feels comfortable. Take notice also of the feeling, however faint, that something isn’t right. Feelings are powerful, and will generally try to alert us when something isn’t right, long before our minds are willing to listen.
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Don’t do things that keep their addiction alive.
When you love an addict all sorts of boundaries and conventions get blurred. Know the difference between helping and enabling. Helping takes into account the long-term effects, benefits and consequences. Enabling is about providing immediate relief, and overlooks the long-term damage that might come with that short-term relief. Providing money, accommodation, dropping healthy boundaries to accommodate the addict – these are all completely understandable when it comes to looking after someone you love, but with someone who has an addiction, it’s helping to keep the addiction alive.
Ordinarily, it’s normal to help out the people we love when they need it, but there’s a difference between helping and enabling. Helping supports the person. Enabling supports the addiction.
Be as honest as you can about the impact of your choices. This is so difficult – I know how difficult this is, but when you change what you do, the addict will also have to change what he or she does to accommodate those changes. This will most likely spin you into guilt, but let the addicted one know that when he or she decides to do things differently, you’ll be the first one there and your arms will be open, and that you love them as much as you ever have. You will likely hear that you’re not believed, but this is designed to refuel your enabling behaviour. Receive what they are saying, be saddened by it and feel guilty if you want to – but for their sake, don’t change your decision.
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Don’t buy into their view of themselves.
Addicts will believe with every part of their being that they can’t exist without their addiction. Don’t buy into it. They can be whole without their addiction but they won’t believe it, so you’ll have to believe it enough for both of you. You might have to accept that they aren’t ready to move towards that yet, and that’s okay, but in the meantime don’t actively support their view of themselves as having no option but to surrender fully to their addiction. Every time you do something that supports their addiction, you’re communicating your lack of faith in their capacity to live without it. Let that be an anchor that keeps your boundaries strong.
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When you stand your ground, things might get worse before they get better.
The more you allow yourself to be manipulated, the more you will be manipulated. When you stand your ground and stop giving in to the manipulation, the maniplulation may get worse before it stops. When something that has always worked stops working, it’s human nature to do it more. Don’t give into to the lying, blaming or guilt-tripping. They may withdraw, rage, become deeply sad or develop pain or illness. They’ll stop when they realise your resolve, but you’ll need to be the first one to decide that what they’re doing won’t work any more.
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You and self-love. It’s a necessity.
In the same way that it’s the addict’s responsibility to identify their needs and meet them in safe and fulfilling ways, it’s also your responsibility to identify and meet your own. Otherwise you will be drained and damaged – emotionally, physically and spiritually, and that’s not good for anyone.
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What are you getting out of it?
This is such a hard question, and will take an open, brave heart to explore it. Addicts use addictive behaviours to stop from feeling pain. Understandably, the people who love them often use enabling behaviours to also stop from feeling pain. Loving an addict is heartbreaking. Helping the person can be a way to ease your own pain and can feel like a way to extend love to someone you’re desperate to reach. It can also be a way to compensate for the bad feelings you might feel towards the person for the pain they cause you. This is all really normal, but it’s important to explore how you might be unwittingly contributing to the problem. Be honest, and be ready for difficult things to come up. Do it with a trusted person or a counsellor if you need the support. It might be one of the most important things you can do for the addict. Think about what you imagine will happen if you stop doing what you’re doing for them. Then think about what will happen if you don’t. What you’re doing might save the person in the short-term, but the more intense the addictive behaviour, the more destructive the ultimate consequences of that behaviour if it’s allowed to continue. You can’t stop it continuing, but you can stop contributing to it. Be willing to look at what you’re doing with an open heart, and be brave enough to challenge yourself on whatever you might be doing that’s keeping the addiction alive. The easier you make it for them to maintain their addiction, the easier it is for them to maintain their addiction. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.
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What changes do you need to make in your own life?
Focusing on an addict is likely to mean that the focus on your own life has been turned down – a lot. Sometimes, focusing on the addict is a way to avoid the pain of dealing with other issues that have the capacity to hurt you. When you explore this, be kind to yourself, otherwise the temptation will be to continue to blunt the reality. Be brave, and be gentle and rebuild your sense of self, your boundaries and your life. You can’t expect the addict in your life to deal with their issues, heal, and make the immensely brave move towards building a healthy life if you are unwilling to do that for yourself.
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Don’t blame the addict.
The addict might deserve a lot of the blame, but blame will keep you angry, hurt and powerless. Addiction is already heavily steeped in shame. It’s the fuel that started it and it’s the fuel that will keep it going. Be careful you’re not contributing to keeping the shame fire lit.
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Be patient.
Go for progress, not perfection. There will be forward steps and plenty of backward ones too. Don’t see a backward step as failure. It’s not. Recovery never happens in a neat forward line and backward steps are all part of the process.
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Sometimes the only choice is to let go.
Sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough. Loving someone with an addiction can tear at the seams of your soul. It can feel that painful. If you’ve never been through it, letting go of someone you love deeply, might seem unfathomable but if you’re nearing that point, you’ll know the desperation and the depth of raw pain that can drive such an impossible decision. If you need to let go, know that this is okay. Sometimes it’s the only option. Letting go of someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them – it never means that. You can still leave the way open if you want to. Even at their most desperate, most ruined, most pitiful point, let them know that you believe in them and that you’ll be there when they’re ready to do something different. This will leave the way open, but will put the responsibility for their healing in their hands, which is the only place for it to be.
And finally …
Let them know that you love them and have always loved them – whether they believe it or not. Saying it is as much for you as it is for them.
I am finding it so profoundly therapeutic to read others’ comments and so I hope that mine is therapeutic for others as well. I am on day 1 of having let go of someone I love who is addicted to a ‘cocktail’ of drugs and alcohol. After 6 years of agony and feeling like I was going crazy, I finally, suddenly, painfully saw the manipulations for what they were. I gave him one chance and told him so be honest with me and and told him how his behavior had affected me. This of course did not ‘work’. He kept on with a manipulation attempt, and I made it clear that I was moving on. This was about 12 hours ago. While I know that I will continue to go through the grieving process and to expect that his behavior may escalate for awhile to try to pull me back in, I’m surprised to find that already feel much better, like I’m free. I actually slept peacefully last night, which really surprised me. It’s like I have this glimmer of remembrance of what my life was like before I met him.
He and I live several hours apart and this probably makes it easier. I haven’t blocked him on my phone, but I will if needed. I hope that losing me is the pain of not changing being more than the pain of changing. At the same time, I just don’t care anymore. It’s like I’m walking out of prison after being framed.
Thank you for sharing this. I recently lost my partner of 5 years to addiction. This was helpful in dissipating a great deal of the guilt and sorrow I’ve been feeling.
Thank you for this post. Two years ago I found the love of my life through an amazing turn of life’s wild events. We met when he was sober and soon I found out he was legally obligated to be sober until the end of 2021. When this time ended, he started doing drugs again. When he was 14 he began shooting up heroin. He has struggled with intravenous drugs ever since. It’s been getting worse and I don’t know what to do anymore. Every week Tuesday through Thursday he goes to therapy and does really well, the person I love is present and beautiful, and every Friday through Monday he leaves to do drugs with an awful group of friends that have now created an enabling environment which has made him believe his addiction is okay and instead of changing it he now wants to accept he is a “junkie” (his words not mine). I’m at a loss for words or actions. I’ve become fully sober just so I can stay present within myself and deal with whatever’s going on with him at any given time. I’m strong and I’m loving. I keep my head on straight so that when he’s using I do not drink so much that it makes me emotional, emotional me makes me him so angry. But I don’t know where to go next. His friends all tell him it’s not cool to be so shameful of his addiction and now he’s projected that shame into me believing that I judge him and put him down when in reality I do none of these things. Today was the first day he said he’s not going to quit and I’m just so beside myself. I started an intentional journal writing but what this comes down to is not knowing what to do for myself if he continues to use.
My worst fear is that I will get a phone call in the middle of the night saying he’s dead. I keep my ringtone on and right next to my head at all hours of every night just in case he needs something or someone has awful news to tell me.
Today he said he really wants me to just stop trying to get ahold of him when he leaves on the weekends and also he wants me to not care about his drug use. This feels like enabling but I don’t know what direction to go in anymore I’ve tried everything.
I think if it were me, and he asked not to try to get a hold of him on the weekends, I wouldn’t call him. Let him call you and talk to him and be with him only when he is sober. He may call, he may not but until he is sober it won’t be a good life for either of you. And yes, we always worry about the phone call of them being dead, but that is normal for us to worry and we can only hope and pray for them. I am married to a former terrible drunk, life had been terrible and I left him and didn’t take him back until he stopped. I didn’t know if he would stop but life was terrible with him. It was better without him. He finally did stop, I took him back and life has been good for many years now. There is no guarantee that they will sober up but I couldn’t live with chaos. Take care of yourself, stay well. A sober life is the only chance for a good life.
I’m at a crossroads as well, I walked away from ex of 5 years he on drugs, coke, herione, and fentanyl. I never seen him clean only when we first met and he hid his addiction from me after that. I had enough and I walked away for good. I pray for him though. Far as me going back I’m not either. I’m going through depression because of all of this, it’s heartbreaking.
Catherine, how long did it take him to stop before you took him back? Also, you are right that there is no guarantee they will stop.
Thank you so much for writing this!!I am going through this right now and I am so tired and heartbroken
Very well written. You’re brave and patient. To everyone struggling while loving an addict, good luck and love yourself first. I’ll be speaking with my sister regarding her alcoholism taking over today and I know I’ll be met with such anger and it will get worse at first. Hell, it may never get better BUT it’s worth a genuine shot.
🙏💖
I’m in the same boat too, my partner is an addict. I’ve took our children and left the family home. I thought this would be enough to make him see sense, if anything it’s got worse. He now has all the time in the world to hang around with so called friends who enable his addiction.
I got him in to a rehab facility, which I thought would be the end of all this, but he walked out after 13 days. Back to these so called friends and soon enough back to taking drugs.
It’s soul destroying to watch the person you love turn into someone you don’t recognise anymore but what else can we do? I feel your pain and I’m so sorry you’re going through this too.
It is important to remember you aren’t alone, there is so much support for the families of addicts. It’s a lonely and depressing way of life. Now I just try to take off myself and my children, and try to spend time doing something I enjoy.
I hope that one day my partner will come to his sense and get the help he really needs. Maybe then we can build a relationship again. Xx
I’m a addict. I’m not doing prescription drugs now but I could relapse at anytime, once a addict always a addict, even in recovery. My sister is also actively addicted to prescription drugs. I’ve tried talking and sharing my horrible experience with her, but she’s in complete denial still. It took me a long time to realize that being with her was not only giving her more reasons to argue and do more drugs but was putting me in a dangerous position. I had to break ties with her, painfully I walked away. It wasn’t till she exhausted all means of family and friends that she realized it was her not everyone else. She is slowly getting better but I still have to remain guarded!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and yesterday I found out that he’s relapsed really bad on coke and crack and started smoking heroin too after receiving a large insurance payment from a written off van.
I’m still in shock, completely devastated and can’t comprehend why he thought that was a good idea, I told him I love him so much and will support him when he’s ready but can’t be in a relationship with him atm.
He’s been behaving erratically for awhile now and sleeping during the day so I’m really questioning when it started.
He said he’s only been using a week or so but I don’t believe him anymore.
It breaks my heart knowing that I have to watch him deteriorate if I want to try and be here for him.
Gutted!
I’m not sure what is going on with my boyfriend. Over the past four months toward the end of every month he would get increasingly moody, depressed & seemingly mad about something. During those times he wouldnt really tell me what was going on. He’d pack up most of his stuff but then wouldn’t go anywhere for like a week, just leaving his stuff in bags. I’d put it back because little grocery bags everywhere would drive me crazy. Then he’d pack up less stuff & go back home for 3 or 4 days. The moody behavior popped up more frequently as time went on until one day I said I needed a night to myself.we hadn’t argued, there was no conflict. I expected that he’d understand since he’d done it himself a few times. All hell broke loose. He packed up all his stuff, including his dirty laundry & basically started an argument because he was insistent that I didn’t want him & that it was the first stage of me trying to leave him. I was totally shocked because we had never argued, not once, not even when he’d get agitated and leave.
During that last month he brought up smoking crack & how it wasn’t a big deal, not in the tense that he was currently using it but in relation to having used it in the past. At first he said he did it once but then later said it was like habitual. He denied ever saying that he only did it once & that he’d always said he had done it like as a thing.
After that one tiff he came back to the apt here & there to get weird stuff like a can of soup he had left behind, & I felt like it was excuses to pop in and take the temperature to come back. I always made it clear he could. A few weeks went by & I saw him at his work & I asked him if he’d come over after work. He did. He went & bought new clothes & took a shower. His clothes smelled terrible like he’d been sleeping outside in them, like homeless smell, not his usual I haven’t showered in a day or two smell. & His face was all puffy. He stayed with me for a few days & at first things were a little strained but by what would be the last day I saw him things were definitely back to feeling normal & we had made up. He left that morning & said he’d be back the next day. he left clothes here so I didn’t question it haven’t heard from him since. He stopped going to work that day as well, just stopped showing up. I ended up doing a wellness check after I found that out & discovered he had put my three favorite articles of clothing that he owns in one of my drawers, which is generally a sad goodbye when people are going to commit suicide or something. the police said he was alive at his parents house (he lives with them). I felt bad about doing the check so I sent him a letter explaining why I was that worried, especially since his phone was not charged. He never got in contact with me but has since kept his phone charged. He’s never been a phone person but him just totally disappearing from the world is out of character. And not contacting me after 700 text messages asking him to just let me know if he’s ok is also a bit extreme. Combining all that with increased talk of how smoking crack isn’t a big deal does this seem to fit the bill of relapse? My gut says this is what’s going on, especially with the puffy face & random weight gain, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions. He’s just not this person, the person he was was loving & would never do anything to hurt me so this is like wth happened like overnight. I spoke with a clean addict about the situation & the first thing they asked was if he on drugs or had ever been on drugs because that’s what he used to do when he was withdrawing. Thoughts?
Thank you so much. Beautifully said.
Thank you for this article, and to everyone for sharing. This is the best description I’ve found of what it’s like to love an addict and trust me when I say, I’ve done an unhealthy amount of research on the topic. It’s comforting to not feel alone, because loving an addict feels so isolating. I’ve been with my husband for going on 14 years and I believe he has always been an addict. He will struggle with it, and then get clean. Either the pain and shame will get too heavy for him to carry, and he will confide in me, or I will catch him using/find his paraphernalia. Whenever he gets clean, it feels like the person I love so deeply has returned. But when he’s in active addiction, my entire reality is the most dark, dense, painful experience I have ever been through. I feel like I have to feel not only my own pain, but the pain he is suppressing with heroin. The best way I can describe what it feels like to love an addict, is that I feel like I’m going insane. Part of me is certain he’s using, but I question my judgment and wonder if it’s clouded because of the trauma that’s been created in the past from his drug use. And this occupies 90% of the thoughts I have in a day to the point where I’m not functioning in a healthy manner what so ever, and I feel angry that he could not only put me and our children through this but have no conscious awareness what so ever because he has turned that part of his brain off with drugs. And sometimes I want to say to him “when I die of cancer, you will be to blame.” Which is just so childish, and not okay to think let alone say, and I never would. But because of how much stress his addiction has caused for me, it’s a thought that has occurred to me many times, as immature as I know it sounds. I know I am not completely innocent, and there are two sides to the story. I have always struggled with creating healthy boundaries, not sure I even knew what a boundary was before I met my husband and he educated me on the subject. And because of that, I struggle with confrontation. I have confronted my husband about his drug use many times, but it feels like it gets more painful every time, and because of that, I just stuff it down and try to find the silver lining. I have been met with many different emotional responses when I confront him. Sometimes he gets angry because I become passive aggressive instead of speaking my truth and he knows why I’m being passive aggressive and so HE confronts ME, but usually when I do work up the courage to say something, he is compassionate and I feel better getting it off my chest. His typical response is “I understand you feel this way and I know I created this and it’s my karma” but he never really says “I’m not using.” He has become a master deceptive and can avoid answering the question while making me feel comfort on some level that he is clean. Either way, I still have a pit in my stomach telling me something is off. I pray every day, because I do believe that where we put our focus, that’s the reality we will create. But it’s very challenging to say the least. I don’t think we can “envision” someone else’s reality for them no matter how much we love and pray for them. My husband is an incredibly gifted human being, and highly intelligent. I believe he uses drugs as a way of shutting down his over active brain. He’s never gotten himself into debt or tried to borrow or steal money from others to feed his addiction. He is highly successful in his career and most importantly he is a very loving father and husband, despite his addiction coming between us so strongly that intimacy is no longer existent. Though I do try thinking that if I’m more affectionate, maybe I can heal him. His addiction also seems to have gotten less intense over the years. I’m sad to say, there was a point in his life that he was taking such a heavy dose of pain pills, that it’s a miracle he made it out alive. It seems like when he switched from pain pills to heroin, he has more control of how much he takes, (minus the reality it could be laced with fentanyl, which is so scary.) I think he only smokes it 3 or so times a day. So I know his addiction is mild compared to some. Maybe (and this is what I hope,) this is him getting a grip on his addiction and getting closer to no longer needing it at all. I don’t really know. I seem to have been surrounded by addicts my entire life, starting with my mother. And it’s caused me immense pain and suffering. I try to think of the bigger picture, that drugs only exist on this planet to create the kind of suffering that helps us to grow and be more compassionate towards others which is what humanity so desperately needs. Maybe I was a drug addict in a past life and this is my karma for the pain and suffering I caused others. I do not know. I love my husband with all of my heart. I know if the roles were reversed and I was the addict, he would never even dream of giving up on me. There couldn’t be a more loyal person than my husband, but drugs have changed him a lot and it makes me sad. I realize I have enabled him for years. I have never shared his addiction with any of his friends or family, keeping it between myself and my very closest friends and mother because she is just a super human empath who has been in his shoes and would never judge him, I am surrounded by a lot of love and support and so is he. I am honestly terrified to tell his mother, who is an angel in a human body, even though I know in my heart that she too feels something is off with her son. I want to tell her so bad, but I’m scared of betraying my husband. I’m now faced with the reality that if he were to OD, I’d feel I was the one to blame for keeping it in the closet for him. I know this struggle is making me stronger, and my hope is that by writing this, someone who is going through what I am going through, won’t feel so alone. If you’ve read this entire novel of my emotions, thank you. It really helped to get it off my chest even if nobody ever does read it.
I ve been through all that.
I had to figure all by myself.
I used all my money to chase after him, I had to watch the downfall, the needle marks on his arms, his body desintegrating, his personality disapearing giving place to someone cruel.
I felt the pain and guilty he brought into my life.
The moment you decide its best if you just leave, that just theres nothing you can do, that you beng dragged down, tha all the sacrifice and will be for nothing… Its devastating.
Thank you for puting these words together, for confirming it was not my fault.
I am 56 and my brother is 47. We are both living together. My brother has cocaine issues. He has been getting somewhat better, but he is starting to relapse again. I cannot even begin to tell you the thousands upon thousands of dollars he has conned me out of with great lies and excuses to feed his habit. He is not financially independent, and he has a criminal record … and claims he is unemployable.
He is my only sibling. We lost both of our parents to cancer many years ago. I am having a hard time knowing how to leave this situation, and I feel he will land on the street.
Everything mentioned in this article is exactly what I’m experiencing. I’m at the point of detachment and although I know it is the right step I am feeling incredibly guilty and struggling to find a way to communicate with someone who is not interested in hearing me out. I am appreciative of this advice and I hope this will help me to find the courage to do what needs to be done for both our sakes. Thank you for this article and I wish everyone who loves an addict good luck putting yourself first because most of us come to understand how necessary and difficult it is to do.
A couple of years ago my daughter started saying weird things, psychotic actually. She was highly suspicious of her boyfriend, me, her friends. One night in April 2022 I get a call from the police saying she was having a mental breakdown. She had locked her boyfriend out of their rental, called 911 saying she feared for her life and had her 2 boys in the car driving around the home in circles. My husband and I arrived shortly thereafter. She was out of the vehicle saying the FBI was flying over her house and monitoring all her conversations. Her boyfriend was going to kill her. And she was hearing my voice in her head and knew I was tracking her every thought and action.
The 8 month old baby had no diaper on and was loose in his car seat, my 6 yr old grandson had his pajamas on and was in a state of shock.
The police quickly left handing the situation over to us when we said we would take them to our house. During the ride she tells me she smokes in the car and she’s going to lose the boys because they know and she’s being followed. I say who is they, she’s not going to lose the boys for smoking cigarettes. She says not cigarettes, meth.
She then admitted to being a meth addict for 20 years. We had absolutely no idea, thinking it was alcohol related- the lies, manipulation, stealing, irresponsibility. And the weight losses.
When living in the moment you don’t notice the obvious so much but thinking back the warning flags had been waving for a long, long time. The times I did call her out about her lies and stealing she would get in my face and tell me what a horrible mother I am to her. Even after admitting to using meth that night she later accused me of being the meth addict and she called 911 from our house saying there was someone on the porch stalking her.
We called DCF and they came out the next day and made a “safety plan” where we cared for the boys while she was supposed to go to rehab and get a job. I say supposed because she never did. No rehab, no therapy, no job. After 4 months she got the boys back but only because DCF really had no legal grounds to place the boys elsewhere. It has been and still is a nightmare. She uses our love and caring for the grandsons to manipulate us. I know all about dreading that middle of the night phone call. And my biggest fear is it will be about one of the boys.
This helplessness is the hardest part. I could easily cut ties with her, she’s 38. But the grandsons have no one else. 2 different fathers with no visitation established by the court. If they kept their sons she would call the police and report them kidnapped. She has a history of making false allegations on the 911 line. She has learned to use the system to her advantage. And people see her cute little self and believe her. Someone told me I created a monster but no, she created the monster and now is trapped inside it. I do see a therapist and he has been a lifesaver for me.
If an addict does not try to help themselves there is nothing you can do which will help them. They’ve already learned how to push your buttons to make themselves THE VICTIM. They consume anyone who loves them and tries to help.
Don’t listen to their words, listen to their actions. It’s okay to be their sounding board but let it go through one ear and out the other. Don’t offer help, money, suggestions- just nod your head and tell them it was good talking with them. Love you, goodbye.
Thank you all for sharing your heartbreaking experiences & the blunt truth of it all.
I have recently split up with my partner of 4 years we have known each other for over 20 years and I’ve loved him from the day I laid eyes on him.
I am struggling with the crippling shame of enabling an alcoholic meth addict who I allowed to ruin my life.
I cry daily & the emotional pain is so very intense,
My self esteem is non existent & I feel so low.
I know now that I can’t help him and that hurts beyond belief.
He does not believe he has a problem and I fear has been doing drugs for so long now it’s clear his brain pattern is not normal.
He has no accountability, shows no empathy & still tells me he loves me.
I have lost friends & family & feel crippled by the emotions that I cannot shake.
He says he is a Christian & can get off it any time he likes.
The lies & manipulation have ruined me and I fear that I’ll never return to the happy normal person I was before he landed on my doorstep asking for help.
I have no idea how to recover from this heartbreak & feel like the biggest fool for believing anything that has come from his mouth.
When he is high he is nasty to me & then two days later is a completely different person.
He gad ruined himself his life and I feel mine, even though I know I am responsible for letting this happen.
When does the heartache go away?
How do you know when your addicted love one is or is not suicidal? Is it common for addicts to allude to taking their own life as a ways to guilt us into things? My 24 year old son had been clean for 6 months and doing well. As soon as he settled back into a good job and had money in his pocket, his odd behaviors resurfaced. He literally spent the entire day today lashing out at me thru text messages. It doesn’t even sound like him. It’s as if he thinks he is in control of the entire universe and the rest of the world is stupid, including me. The hateful words he said are so hurtful but several times he alluded to not wanting to be here (on this Earth) any longer and that is what is hurting the most for me as his mom. How does one know when there is a risk of an addict hurting himself or when they are saying those things to manipulate the one person they know has always had their back? What if he really is in so much pain from coming down that he can’t take it and he does something to hurt himself? I desperately need find the best words to use in response to him and when not to respond at all and how to accept in my heart that I cannot fix this.
I love this kid so much – and he knows it. He has so much going for him with a new start-up business and living on is own. He has never let drugs get in the way of his work ethic but he is definitely an addict. He knows it and admits it himself. Not in a cocky way, but as a matter of fact. I am having a difficult time not driving to his house to make sure he is okay but part of what lead to his anger today was that he woke up and found messages from me and two friends who were checking on him after none of us heard from him last night after work – which was unusual. I knew he wouldn’t be working today because of the forecast in our area but the level of anger he displayed because I reached out to 2 friends to see if they had heard from him – was off the charts. I firmly believe he is trying to detox himself and that’s where the rage is coming from and I’m positive he wanted to sleep because he is coming off of a binge. (I’m pretty sure it’s heroin.)
Thanks for letting me vent to the followers here. I cannot sleep and I cannot eat. My heart is broken and I can do nothing but cry and pray out-loud, asking God to please rid my son of this horrible disease or tell me what I’ve done so badly in my life that he would let this happen to my son and how I can fix it. I am aware that I cannot fix him but I’ll never stop asking God to intervene. If I do, I’ll carry even more guilt for not praying for him. It’s a lose lose situation for those of us on the sidelines.
I welcome your advice and if you are a believer, please pray for my son. His name is Luke and the real him – really is an amazing person.
The current addicted loved one is my 35 year old daughter who moved in with me 5 years ago because she lost everything. Her father and I have enabled her for years and years. She became addicted to adderral while in college. She has always had an extremely addictive personality. There is addiction on both sides of the family as well. I am at the end of my ability to manage the constant ups and downs of her addictive cycle. When she has her supply she acts semi normal but when she plows through it she crashes for weeks every single month. No shower, no teeth brushing and becomes glutenous. I want her to leave but dont have the courage to kick her out. This article has been very helpful!!
As an addict in recovery, many years sober now, I found this so painful and heartbreaking to read, especially the comments. Some really good, helpful and powerful advice in here for friends and families of addicts.
Please always remember it’s not the addicts fault. Addiction is a very cunning and baffling illness.
Having a sponsee myself, it’s gut wrenchingly heartbreaking and so painful to watch someone you love and car so much for in the grips of this dis-ease. Stay strong…have hope and have faith x
thank you for the motivation to move on… 🙁 My boyfriend has been saying he is going to get help for the last 2 years and does not do it. I am tired of his drug life, and i am at the point that I am losing interest in all things that I use to enjoy doing… I want to leave him but he doesnt have anywhere to go, but I have to stop worrying about him and focus on myself. I am not sleeping at night, because he is up all night and keeps me up. I do not have any one that I can talk to you, I feel all alone. This website has been very helpful. Thank you!
What incredible brutal honesty from all these posts
I have a dear friend who is destroying his life and family from coke addiction and can’t stop . Thankyou for all these stories which help with understanding
My fiancé and I have been together 13 years.
He is also my high school sweetheart, separated by 25 years.
I had no idea he was an alcoholic or drug addict when we got back together.
Fast forward and he has 8 years sobriety from alcohol, according to him. I beg to differ.
Just found out 90 days ago he’d been stealing my meds and gas lighting me that I was taking more than I should.
Then he started stealing from my son.
We told his dr about this. The dr said NO MEDS FOR 90 days. He has hip issues, but at 60 don’t we all!
Well in 90 days I have found stray pills in the house DESPITE them being locked up. He will not admit nor deny them. So guilty.
Well he just saw his councler after a 2 months absence. He says he didn’t know she was trying to get ahold of him. A lie cuz we are on each others medical apps. He saw the messages and ignored them.
Supposedly the councler told him next week is the end of 90 days and was I goi g to start giving him pain meds again prescribed from his dr?
Seems slightly odd to me that his councler would ask that.
Then he said to me “how about you just give me yours now and when I get mine, I’ll “pay you back”.
I know he has pain.
But I do not wanna be his personal pharmacist.
I told him in the last 90 days he’s gone rifling through my things and my purse to find pills. So why would I want to be the “legal” one to keep giving him pills?!
I understand I am not suppose to “blame him” for what he’s done but when he has lied betrayed and hurt me so deeply, how do I not blame him. Maybe lieing to someone else is acceptable. But to flat out lie to my face while I cry, I dont get it. The. Again I dont get the addict mentality.
Thank you for this. I feel so alone, so broken. My husband is an alcoholic, we have been together for 15 years married for 12. I am just lost. His solution is to break up our family and that is not what I want. That’s always the solution right? He’s not an addict, he doesn’t have an alcohol problem, I’m just angry or I make him drink. The good sober times are great and then the ugly addiction comes through. I am so lost and don’t know what to do.
I appreciate this article, it makes me realize I am not the only person dealing with this. I just want my husband back. I want my happy back. I want to not feel like total garbage or be blamed for something that i didn’t cause.
I don’t drink, I don’t keep alcohol in the house. I am doing everything to try and keep his addiction away from him and his family hands him beers while talking behind his back about how much help he needs.
Such a wonderful article. My addict is my grown daughter and this article answered so many questions I had. Thank you
Hi I have someone who lives with me cannot stop buying clothes shoes makeup her favourite stars magazines merchandise when they go on tour. We bought a wardrobe system that has taken a lot of stuff. But because we had to clear the room. It’s all over the house in every room. The shoes they buy might be in sales or buy in 3. But. i dread the ring of our bell which brings in more parcels for them. They have have nearly ran in deft with credit cards. So I offered to get a loan in my name twice now. And they do pay me back. They earn their own money. I am retired . But they are still buying. Yet they don’t got out unless it’s for a dinner or cinema visit. But they buy for the next tour of their favourite singer. And have an outfit for all the nights of their concert. I love this person as they are part of me. But it is breaking my heart with the abuse I get when I say havant you got enough tops coats dresses shoes handbags ect . They just say for me to stop nagging. With the amount of money they have spent they could have easily got a deposit on a flat . I have got to the stage now that I am going to say I love them very much. But what they buy from now on I am not interested anymore. In seeing them do a fashion show with what they have bought. But lots of stuff has been returned because it didn’t fit right or wrong colour. And I am the one who has the job of taking it to the post office. I just wish that they would be happy with what they have. As they work from home and their job s dealing with people who cannot afford their rent. They work for a housing association. And are a complete angel helping these people. And I am so very proud of them. But I just wish they can see how much they have and be satisfied. They are buying products now sold by her favourite stars sister who charges the earth for their products. Saying they are environmentally friendly to the planet. I make my own deodorant out of 3 or 4 ingredients .I found this lady with n one who does it. She dosnt sell it she gives you the ingredients to make your own. But my daughter spends money on these prodcs that use the same ingredients. She dosnt take any notice of me when I say she could save money. I feel I I am a lost cause trying to help them. But now feel. That I have made the right decision. And are going to say No if they want something. I am am no longer going to fuel their habit.
Thank you needed this as I have family & friends who suffer from addictions & breaks my heart there’s nothing I can do to help but tell them I love them ❤️
Addiction to pain pills, which has led to heroin & even fentanyl, has consumed the loving, caring, genuine hearted, handsome, outgoing, & funny man that I fell in love with 3 years ago. I’ve put my all into trying to help him – exhausting my mental health, finances, relationship with my own family, friends, & having to call out of work frequently on days I just can’t handle being around anyone. The trauma from him overdosing on April 6, 2021, has left me with recurring nightmares of the grayish-blue color he turned as he was dying in front of my eyes, the minutes that felt like CENTURIES on the phone with the 911 operator waiting for the ambulance to arrive, where after one of the First Responders had me go downstairs to the parking lot to wait, since my apartment is small & there were about 6 of them going in to save his life. I held onto my dog & stood in the parking lot with a police officer, who was trying to distract me by asking questions about my pup. I remember seeing EMS go upstairs carrying a stretcher, & I’ll never forget the rush of indescribable, crumbling fear just wondering if they would be carrying it back down with a black body bag on it. He’s lucky to have survived, & I truly thought that would be the changing point in his life with addiction, however that hasn’t been the case – & I can’t risk losing him again. I love him way too much to watch him slowly die (again), however he doesn’t have any family or close friends nearby, & I don’t have it in me (yet, or if ever) to kick him out of my apartment with no where to go & no money. I truly believe that if I were to kick him out, then he really would be in that body bag within no time – & I absolutely KNOW that I can’t live with knowing it was b/c I kicked him out with no where to go. The guilt would be debilitating & unbearable. I’m at a complete loss on what to do. It’s so easy for other people (my family, friends) to say, “Kick his a$$ out!” “Who cares? Look at all he’s put you through!” etc., but at the end of the day, it would weigh on me way too much knowing he has no where to go. I recently LEFT my own apartment & stayed with one of my best friends for a month, while he made endless promises of getting professional help & that he would prove to me that he’s the man I fell in love with, & like an idiot, I believed every single lie & saw each promise broken – even down to him NEVER having gone to get help, yet lying each week as he went on & on these elaborate stories about the Opioid Addiction Specialist he was seeing on a weekly basis & how much it “really helped him”. I’m at a point where I know I can’t be with him until he’s ready to get help, however the guilt of making him leave, along with me being afraid to make it completely on my own financially, & most importantly – him taking our dog – are the things that are holding me back from making the next move. I have no idea what to do – no clue. 🙁
my bf of 3 years addicted to cannabis and when we go out he secretly has cocaine he never tells me i can just tell. he gets paid blows all his money paying off his ticks and getting more. There is never any money to do anything … it’s always me paying. i love him so much but this is niggling away at me as i know there is no future for us. He enjoys going with his mates and getting on it and i see him in the evening when he’s stoned and half asleep.
I’m struggling I’m alone feeling ashamed can’t talk to anyone about it not sure what to do anymore
I am married , my husband is addicted to Methemphatamine he was clean from treatment when we first met, we had a quick worldwin connection and married within the first 2 years together
I have found on my own doing his laundry early into our relationship at first it was a pipe in the dryer and he lied said it was his roommate’s
I find paraphernalia everywhere at any given time
Last week I found his stash and made him dump it in the toilet he says he’s going into withdrawals but I’m having trouble believing it
He lies….says things and never follows through with anything ever
He is deceitful stays up all hours of the night leaves me to sleep in bed while he’s passed out on the couch I have recently found he is betraying me and this isn’t the first time ….he is on dating sites while being married to me ,
I already have PTSD that came out of a ex abusing relationship for many years my kids hate me because of my Ex husband and his narcissistic control over them …. Which also for me is hard as a mother …
Previously and I admit it have co dependancy
I am trying to be loving and understanding but it’s taking it’s toll ….My anxiety is not in a good place I worry all the time he refuses to get help …Im sleep deprived
we just fight and fight mostly about money both our financial situations aren’t in a good place …
I’m running out of steam and understanding I am not me anymore inside but looks different than that on the outside
He is withholding sex from me which I see now is a form of abuse we have had a lot of toxic arguments he has a serious rage problem and has chuck things to hit me and then apologizing manipulates and says he loves me …
I’m alone … I want to tell his family and my own but I can’t he just uses it as a threat and I don’t want that either …
I don’t know what to do anymore
we are considering moving away which I think maybe what he needs to actually accept getting sober I’m not sure what I am to do if we don’t move ?
I know it’s the addiction but I’m drowning in depression on and off our relationship is in serious trouble I can’t keep living with an addict that doesn’t give me what I need emotionally and physically
I realise this is an older article. I just hope someone is listening. The article is so beautifully written. I tonight walked away from my addict and my heart is broken but I have done all I can. I have no-one else to talk to in the whole world. I’m consumed with grief and not sure if the pain will ever end but being with him was impacting my mental health and my health. I was under so much stress on my immune system has been compromised and I’m waiting on the results of a biopsy but he has not supported me. I need to be brave and move forward but it is very hard when you are alone.
I am currently going through this.
My husband has a horrible smell about him like vinegar. I can never find what drug he’s using.
His nose is runny, he sniffs a lot and goes off to the toilet and comes back smelling this horrible smell. It gives me a headache and effects my eyesight.
If anyone knows what this drug is please tell me.
Thank you for this page it’s encouraging. I don’t know what else to do he’s been to 3 counsellors who havent pick up on his drug use I’m the only one who knows we been married for 30 years. He’s 60 and I’m 59.
Reading this article and the comments of people going through similar circumstances have helped ease my guilt, at least for tonight.
I was engaged to an addict. I watched his addition become worse in time. Time and time again (8 to be exact) I watched him enter detox, and one time after care, with the promise of remaining clean. Time and time again I believed it would be the last. My presence was his biggest enabler I believe. There were times in the past I couldn’t stand him being so sick that I gave him money for drugs just so I didn’t have to watch him be in pain and absolutely hated myself for it.
I stopped giving any money but allowed him home every time he left detox. This man would cry to me that he did not want to be this way and that he was so sorry he was putting me through this pain. I still know to this day he means it. Unfortunately, the want and the guilt of my pain was never enough to keep him clean. I supported him every time in his recovery yet weeks or a month later there would be some reason he turned back to drugs.
I have had to resuscitate him twice and there have been many other times he has overdosed when I was not around. It was easier for me to allow him home so I could sleep at night knowing I could wake up and check on him to ensure he stayed alive.
Finally, I told him he had to leave and detox would not be enough this time. I explained to him that I could not let him physically be in my life until he maintained long term sobriety. I still kept communication because i understood this is a disease and he does not mean to hurt me. I see, hear, and feel the guilt he carry’s for putting me through this. My biggest fear is that he is going to end up dead and my last words will be hurtful ones or he will die feeling alone. For a year I put my feelings aside to ensure he knew he was loved. I disconnected with those around me so I did not have to hear the judgement of me loving as all they see as an addict. There is so much more to him but I have to love myself just as much as I love him and stop putting myself through this pain. I wish this was a normal break up without addiction involved or else I wouldn’t feel so guilty.
I tell him maybe in time if he remains sober i will be able to go back with him, but deep down I am not sure I will ever be able to trust that this won’t happen again. I am fearful of questioning his every move and making
Myself just as miserable in his sobriety from the lack of trust as I was dealing with him in active addiction.
Regardless of the outcome for us, I pray he maintains this sobriety because he simply deserves to live and be happy. I am so incredibly sad and feel so guilty. But I will get through the pain and try to heal myself because I am the only one I can control.
Good luck to everyone who can relate to me and know you are doing the right thing by leaving because we deserve so much more.
I’m going through this right now I need all the support I can get. My partner has been on k2 for 4 months. It happened out of no where, we were so good before. He told me when we met he used to have a problem with it for a couple months years back. We were so good, life was good. We were at our peak of being in love. One day he was hanging out with his friend at his place and he didn’t answer me for like two hours (which he never does) and then fell asleep really early which was weird. The next day he woke up around 2-3 (I was at work) and was in and out of sleep all afternoon. I came over after I got off around 10 and all he was doing was sleeping. Same thing on Sunday, at that point I thought he was on Xanax. Days go by, and he’s sleeping all afternoon. I was off that Wednesday and went over to find over 20 baggies empty and him in the same clothes I left him on Sunday in. I was so confused and hurt I didn’t know what to do. It was so bad for about a month. He couldn’t go without it. He didn’t go to work for 2 weeks straight. I called off of work for a week and I would just be there picking him up off the floor when he got too high. Bringing him food and drinks. He would go days without eating. I loved him so much, I would just cry all day hearing him and seeing him do it to himself. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to reach out to his friends and nobody helped me. I eventually went back to work and just tried to adjust. Then I found out i was pregnant, he promised to stop, he didn’t. It got worse actually. About a month goes by and I loose the baby. I got home from the hospital and he was high the whole time. He keeps promising to stop, I don’t see the end to it. Its been so long. I keep trying to stay positive and keep hope things will change but it’s so hard. Nobody else in his life knows. It’s taking such a toll on me and my work life I don’t know what to do anymore.
I love him so much, I just feel so used. I keep helping him and letting him borrow money and my car and anything I could possibly do. I feel so wrong. I just don’t know what to do. He’s my first love, and when he’s not high we are so happy together . Sometimes I see a glimpse of how he used to be and I just can’t let that go. He’s was and Is my bestfriend. We did everything together. I don’t want to give up on him but I’m loosing myself in the process.
My boyfriend is an addict . He’s addicted to weed and coke . We are living together and together three . I love him
To bits and he’s the love of my life . However his addiction has ruined our future . I have enabled him , took out loans , left myself in financial ruin . I’m abls broke and up to my eyeballs in death . My friends and family Don’t want to know anymore . They are all telling me to leave him . I have begged him to go into rehab . He doesn’t think he has a problem and can do it himself . He has no money no car anything . He’s been off work with depression for 6 weeks .
I feel there’s no more I can do if he won’t go rehab I will have to leave . I fear for him life if I go but I don’t want else to do . My heart is broke.