The fallout from an addiction, for addicts and the people who love them, is devastating – the manipulations, the guilt, the destruction of relationships and the breakage of people. When addicts know they are loved by someone who is invested in them, they immediately have fuel for their addiction. Your love and your need to bring them safely through their addiction might see you giving money you can’t afford, saying yes when that yes will destroy you, lying to protect them, and having your body turn cold with fear from the midnight ring of the phone. You dread seeing them and you need to see them, all at once.
You might stop liking them, but you don’t stop loving them. If you’re waiting for the addict to stop the insanity – the guilt trips, the lying, the manipulation – it’s not going to happen. If you can’t say no to the manipulations of their addiction in your unaddicted state, know that they won’t say no from their addicted one. Not because they won’t, but because they can’t.
If you love an addict, it will be a long and excruciating road before you realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do. It will come when you’re exhausted, heartbroken, and when you feel the pain of their self-destruction pressing relentlessly and permanently against you. The relationships and the world around you will start to break, and you’ll cut yourself on the jagged pieces. That’s when you’ll know, from the deepest and purest part of you, that you just can’t live like this any more.
I’ve worked with plenty of addicts, but the words in this post come from loving one. I have someone in my life who has been addicted to various substances. It’s been heartbreaking to watch. It’s been even more heartbreaking to watch the effect on the people I love who are closer to him than I am.
I would be lying if I said that my compassion has been undying. It hasn’t. It’s been exhausted and stripped back to bare. I feel regularly as though I have nothing left to give him. What I’ve learned, after many years, is that there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change him. With all of our combined wisdom, strength, love and unfailing will to make things better for him, there is nothing we can do.
I realised a while ago that I couldn’t ride in the passenger seat with someone at the wheel who was on such a relentless path to self-destruction. It’s taken many years, a lot of sadness, and a lot of collateral damage to people, relationships and lives outside of his.
What I do know is that when he is ready to change direction, I’ll be there, with love, compassion and a fierce commitment to stand beside him in whatever way he needs to support his recovery. He will have an army of people behind him and beside him when he makes the decision, but until then, I and others who love him are powerless. I know that.
Nobody intends for a behaviour to become an addiction, and if you are someone who loves an addict – whether it’s a parent, child, partner, friend, sibling – the guilt, the shame and the helplessness can be overwhelming.
Addiction is not a disease of character, personality, spirit or circumstance. It can happen to anyone. It’s a human condition with human consequences, and being that we’re all human, we’re all vulnerable. Addicts can come from any life and from any family. It’s likely that in our lifetime, if we don’t love someone with an addiction, we’ll know someone who does, so this is an important conversation to have, for all of us.
The problem with loving an addict is that sometimes the things that will help them are the things that would seem hurtful, cold and cruel if they were done in response to non-addicts. Often, the best ways to respond to an addict have the breathtaking capacity to drown those who love them with guilt, grief, self-doubt and of course, resistance.
Loving an addict in any capacity can be one of the loneliest places in the world. It’s easy to feel judged for withdrawing support for the addict, but eventually, this becomes the only possible response. Unless someone has been in battle armour beside you, fighting the fight, being brought to their knees, with their heart-broken and their will tested, it’s not for them to judge.
The more we can talk about openly about addiction, the more we can lift the shame, guilt, grief and unyielding self-doubt that often stands in the way of being able to respond to an addict in a way that supports their healing, rather than their addiction. It’s by talking that we give each other permission to feel what we feel, love who we love, and be who we are, with the vulnerabilities, frayed edges, courage and wisdom that are all a part of being human.
When Someone You Love is an Addict.
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You’re dealing with someone different now.
When an addiction takes hold, the person you love disappears, at least until the addiction loosens its grip. The person you love is still in there somewhere, but that’s not who you’re dealing with. The person you remember may have been warm, funny, generous, wise, strong – so many wonderful things – but addiction changes people. It takes a while to adjust to this reality and it’s very normal to respond to the addicted person as though he or she is the person you remember. This is what makes it so easy to fall for the manipulations, the lies and the betrayal – over and over. You’re responding to the person you remember – but this is not that person. The sooner you’re able to accept this, the sooner you can start working for the person you love and remember, which will mean doing what sometimes feels cruel, and always heartbreaking, so the addiction is starved of the power to keep that person away. The person you love is in there – support that person, not the addict in front of you. The sooner you’re able to stop falling for the manipulations, lies, shame and guilt that feeds their addiction, the more likely it will be that the person you remember will be able to find the way back to you.
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Don’t expect them to be on your logic.
When an addiction takes hold, the person’s reality becomes distorted by that addiction. Understand that you can’t reason with them or talk them into seeing things the way you do. For them, their lies don’t feel like lies. Their betrayal doesn’t feel like betrayal. Their self-destruction doesn’t always feel like self-destruction. It feels like survival. Change will come when there is absolutely no other option but to change, not when you’re able to find the switch by giving them enough information or logic.
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When you’re protecting them from their own pain, you’re standing in the way of their reason to stop.
Addicts will do anything to feed their addiction because when the addiction isn’t there, the emotional pain that fills the space is greater. People will only change when what they are doing causes them enough pain, that changing is a better option than staying the same. That’s not just for addicts, that’s for all of us. We often avoid change – relationships, jobs, habits – until we’ve felt enough discomfort with the old situation, to open up to a different option.
Change happens when the force for change is greater than the force to stay the same. Until the pain of the addiction outweighs the emotional pain that drives the addiction, there will be no change.
When you do something that makes their addictive behaviour easier, or protects them from the pain of their addiction – perhaps by loaning them money, lying for them, driving them around – you’re stopping them from reaching the point where they feel enough pain that letting go of the addiction is a better option. Don’t minimise the addiction, ignore it, make excuses for it or cover it up. Love them, but don’t stand in the way of their healing by protecting them from the pain of their addiction.
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There’s a different way to love an addict.
When you love them the way you loved them before the addiction, you can end up supporting the addiction, not the person. Strong boundaries are important for both of you. The boundaries you once had might find you innocently doing things that make it easier for the addiction to continue. It’s okay to say no to things you might have once agreed to – in fact, it’s vital – and is often one of the most loving things you can do. If it’s difficult, have an anchor – a phrase or an image to remind you of why your ‘no’ is so important. If you feel as though saying no puts you in danger, the addiction has firmly embedded itself into the life of the person you love. In these circumstances, be open to the possibility that you may need professional support to help you to stay safe, perhaps by stopping contact. Keeping a distance between you both is no reflection on how much love and commitment you feel to the person, and all about keeping you both safe.
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Your boundaries – they’re important for both of you.
If you love an addict, your boundaries will often have to be stronger and higher than they are with other people in your life. It’s easy to feel shame and guilt around this, but know that your boundaries are important because they’ll be working hard for both of you. Setting boundaries will help you to see things more clearly from all angles because you won’t be as blinded by the mess or as willing to see things through the addict’s eyes – a view that often involves entitlement, hopelessness, and believing in the validity of his or her manipulative behaviour. Set your boundaries lovingly and as often as you need to. Be clear about the consequences of violating the boundaries and make sure you follow through, otherwise it’s confusing for the addict and unfair for everyone. Pretending that your boundaries aren’t important will see the addict’s behaviour get worse as your boundaries get thinner. In the end this will only hurt both of you.
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You can’t fix them, and it’s important for everyone that you stop trying.
The addict and what they do are completely beyond your control. They always will be. An addiction is all-consuming and it distorts reality. Know the difference between what you can change (you, the way you think, the things you do) and what you can’t change (anyone else). There will be a strength that comes from this, but believing this will take time, and that’s okay. If you love someone who has an addiction, know that their stopping isn’t just a matter of wanting to. Let go of needing to fix them or change them and release them with love, for your sake and for theirs.
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See the reality.
When fear becomes overwhelming, denial is a really normal way to protect yourself from a painful reality. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay, but this will only allow the addictive behaviour to bury itself in deeper. Take notice if you are being asked to provide money, emotional resources, time, babysitting – anything more than feels comfortable. Take notice also of the feeling, however faint, that something isn’t right. Feelings are powerful, and will generally try to alert us when something isn’t right, long before our minds are willing to listen.
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Don’t do things that keep their addiction alive.
When you love an addict all sorts of boundaries and conventions get blurred. Know the difference between helping and enabling. Helping takes into account the long-term effects, benefits and consequences. Enabling is about providing immediate relief, and overlooks the long-term damage that might come with that short-term relief. Providing money, accommodation, dropping healthy boundaries to accommodate the addict – these are all completely understandable when it comes to looking after someone you love, but with someone who has an addiction, it’s helping to keep the addiction alive.
Ordinarily, it’s normal to help out the people we love when they need it, but there’s a difference between helping and enabling. Helping supports the person. Enabling supports the addiction.
Be as honest as you can about the impact of your choices. This is so difficult – I know how difficult this is, but when you change what you do, the addict will also have to change what he or she does to accommodate those changes. This will most likely spin you into guilt, but let the addicted one know that when he or she decides to do things differently, you’ll be the first one there and your arms will be open, and that you love them as much as you ever have. You will likely hear that you’re not believed, but this is designed to refuel your enabling behaviour. Receive what they are saying, be saddened by it and feel guilty if you want to – but for their sake, don’t change your decision.
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Don’t buy into their view of themselves.
Addicts will believe with every part of their being that they can’t exist without their addiction. Don’t buy into it. They can be whole without their addiction but they won’t believe it, so you’ll have to believe it enough for both of you. You might have to accept that they aren’t ready to move towards that yet, and that’s okay, but in the meantime don’t actively support their view of themselves as having no option but to surrender fully to their addiction. Every time you do something that supports their addiction, you’re communicating your lack of faith in their capacity to live without it. Let that be an anchor that keeps your boundaries strong.
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When you stand your ground, things might get worse before they get better.
The more you allow yourself to be manipulated, the more you will be manipulated. When you stand your ground and stop giving in to the manipulation, the maniplulation may get worse before it stops. When something that has always worked stops working, it’s human nature to do it more. Don’t give into to the lying, blaming or guilt-tripping. They may withdraw, rage, become deeply sad or develop pain or illness. They’ll stop when they realise your resolve, but you’ll need to be the first one to decide that what they’re doing won’t work any more.
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You and self-love. It’s a necessity.
In the same way that it’s the addict’s responsibility to identify their needs and meet them in safe and fulfilling ways, it’s also your responsibility to identify and meet your own. Otherwise you will be drained and damaged – emotionally, physically and spiritually, and that’s not good for anyone.
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What are you getting out of it?
This is such a hard question, and will take an open, brave heart to explore it. Addicts use addictive behaviours to stop from feeling pain. Understandably, the people who love them often use enabling behaviours to also stop from feeling pain. Loving an addict is heartbreaking. Helping the person can be a way to ease your own pain and can feel like a way to extend love to someone you’re desperate to reach. It can also be a way to compensate for the bad feelings you might feel towards the person for the pain they cause you. This is all really normal, but it’s important to explore how you might be unwittingly contributing to the problem. Be honest, and be ready for difficult things to come up. Do it with a trusted person or a counsellor if you need the support. It might be one of the most important things you can do for the addict. Think about what you imagine will happen if you stop doing what you’re doing for them. Then think about what will happen if you don’t. What you’re doing might save the person in the short-term, but the more intense the addictive behaviour, the more destructive the ultimate consequences of that behaviour if it’s allowed to continue. You can’t stop it continuing, but you can stop contributing to it. Be willing to look at what you’re doing with an open heart, and be brave enough to challenge yourself on whatever you might be doing that’s keeping the addiction alive. The easier you make it for them to maintain their addiction, the easier it is for them to maintain their addiction. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.
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What changes do you need to make in your own life?
Focusing on an addict is likely to mean that the focus on your own life has been turned down – a lot. Sometimes, focusing on the addict is a way to avoid the pain of dealing with other issues that have the capacity to hurt you. When you explore this, be kind to yourself, otherwise the temptation will be to continue to blunt the reality. Be brave, and be gentle and rebuild your sense of self, your boundaries and your life. You can’t expect the addict in your life to deal with their issues, heal, and make the immensely brave move towards building a healthy life if you are unwilling to do that for yourself.
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Don’t blame the addict.
The addict might deserve a lot of the blame, but blame will keep you angry, hurt and powerless. Addiction is already heavily steeped in shame. It’s the fuel that started it and it’s the fuel that will keep it going. Be careful you’re not contributing to keeping the shame fire lit.
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Be patient.
Go for progress, not perfection. There will be forward steps and plenty of backward ones too. Don’t see a backward step as failure. It’s not. Recovery never happens in a neat forward line and backward steps are all part of the process.
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Sometimes the only choice is to let go.
Sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough. Loving someone with an addiction can tear at the seams of your soul. It can feel that painful. If you’ve never been through it, letting go of someone you love deeply, might seem unfathomable but if you’re nearing that point, you’ll know the desperation and the depth of raw pain that can drive such an impossible decision. If you need to let go, know that this is okay. Sometimes it’s the only option. Letting go of someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them – it never means that. You can still leave the way open if you want to. Even at their most desperate, most ruined, most pitiful point, let them know that you believe in them and that you’ll be there when they’re ready to do something different. This will leave the way open, but will put the responsibility for their healing in their hands, which is the only place for it to be.
And finally …
Let them know that you love them and have always loved them – whether they believe it or not. Saying it is as much for you as it is for them.
Thank you for this post. Two years ago I found the love of my life through an amazing turn of life’s wild events. We met when he was sober and soon I found out he was legally obligated to be sober until the end of 2021. When this time ended, he started doing drugs again. When he was 14 he began shooting up heroin. He has struggled with intravenous drugs ever since. It’s been getting worse and I don’t know what to do anymore. Every week Tuesday through Thursday he goes to therapy and does really well, the person I love is present and beautiful, and every Friday through Monday he leaves to do drugs with an awful group of friends that have now created an enabling environment which has made him believe his addiction is okay and instead of changing it he now wants to accept he is a “junkie” (his words not mine). I’m at a loss for words or actions. I’ve become fully sober just so I can stay present within myself and deal with whatever’s going on with him at any given time. I’m strong and I’m loving. I keep my head on straight so that when he’s using I do not drink so much that it makes me emotional, emotional me makes me him so angry. But I don’t know where to go next. His friends all tell him it’s not cool to be so shameful of his addiction and now he’s projected that shame into me believing that I judge him and put him down when in reality I do none of these things. Today was the first day he said he’s not going to quit and I’m just so beside myself. I started an intentional journal writing but what this comes down to is not knowing what to do for myself if he continues to use.
My worst fear is that I will get a phone call in the middle of the night saying he’s dead. I keep my ringtone on and right next to my head at all hours of every night just in case he needs something or someone has awful news to tell me.
Today he said he really wants me to just stop trying to get ahold of him when he leaves on the weekends and also he wants me to not care about his drug use. This feels like enabling but I don’t know what direction to go in anymore I’ve tried everything.
I think if it were me, and he asked not to try to get a hold of him on the weekends, I wouldn’t call him. Let him call you and talk to him and be with him only when he is sober. He may call, he may not but until he is sober it won’t be a good life for either of you. And yes, we always worry about the phone call of them being dead, but that is normal for us to worry and we can only hope and pray for them. I am married to a former terrible drunk, life had been terrible and I left him and didn’t take him back until he stopped. I didn’t know if he would stop but life was terrible with him. It was better without him. He finally did stop, I took him back and life has been good for many years now. There is no guarantee that they will sober up but I couldn’t live with chaos. Take care of yourself, stay well. A sober life is the only chance for a good life.
Catherine, how long did it take him to stop before you took him back? Also, you are right that there is no guarantee they will stop.
Thank you so much for writing this!!I am going through this right now and I am so tired and heartbroken
Very well written. You’re brave and patient. To everyone struggling while loving an addict, good luck and love yourself first. I’ll be speaking with my sister regarding her alcoholism taking over today and I know I’ll be met with such anger and it will get worse at first. Hell, it may never get better BUT it’s worth a genuine shot.
🙏💖
Thank you for this beautiful article with clear and decisive steps. I have been with a wonderful woman for near ten years. She had normal SAHM issues that I witnessed my mom had growing up so never held anything against her, I had been happy still working at the same job as around when we had met. She was supportive, I had no bad feelings, never dreaded to see her. After 8.5 years there was such a sudden and magnitudinal change in her attitude toward me, our time together, the kids, my family and her family I could not figure it out. When my desire to spend time with her was met with resistance, I did not know what to do with it. Since then I have an ever present sinking feeling in my stomach even when she eventually revealed a cocaine problem and a problem with stimulants and alcohol in general. She is also addicted to a series of games called Halo. The unfortunate byproduct of playing online games like this is that she talks to men when I am not around and could be saying anything. Back to the substance abuse, she wants to keep it as hidden as possible due to the shame and fear of it being leveraged by family to make her feel more shame. The only reason she told me, she said, is because I was suspecting her of infidelity. This statement alone made me feel bad because it is a problem either way. My first breakthrough in self improvement was reading a book entitled Codependent No More. This book and the article here both mention how wrong and guilt ridden it feels to focus on the self but it is imperative to prevent the addiction from taking more than one life. Dealing with this problem and the depression affected my work performance but I have reigned it in and it has taken effort I never thought I was capable of. I feel at times like I am partner-less and it is debilitating. Whenever I raise concern it is downplayed or responded to with derision, sarcasm, silence, mocking, general bad attitude. She is able to spend weeks without cocaine only because I am unable to afford it and as it is we are in precarious financial situations because I have no real form of monetary help. She cannot be trusted with cash, she had taken wads I set aside just because and I have to hide my wallet when at home. I love her so much and I know I can’t live like this but it’s so difficult to separate especially with kids involved. I never expected to be having the thoughts I am having and the feelings I am feeling I thought she was everything I needed. Addiction is much more than just a disease as mentioned and I always refer to it as our problem because she is not the only one going through the problem.
I am reading your comment and I am in the same situation. I have been with my partner since we were 20 nearly 19years now! Married for 11. He has always been a good man, a devoted husband, hard working and a loving father. Yes our relationship wasn’t perfect but it was perfect to me. Since the first lock down he started spending more time away from home. Going out with his friends is something that never bothered me, infact his friends would always tell him how lucky he was that I never nagged him about it. I am not sure when his addiction starte d but I believe it’s being going on for a very long time. I didn’t see the signs because I have never used drugs or abused alcohol. I caught him with drugs at home and he reassured me it was a one off and I kind of left it at that. But weeks and months went by and I could see a huge shift in his behaviour. I would wake up in the middle of the night and he had ppl over, not his trusted friends though, some old (but not proper friends) and new friends he had made, or he would be out the whole night. All these friends are problematic and I knew were using him. My husband recently finished setting up a business that he had been working so hard far, for atleast 7 years. He finally had some revenue come in and started spending money. But with that also came boredom. His normal job didn’t satisfy him any more and his business was all setup so his mind was not being occupied. I noticed he started to sleep more and also started missing out more on family time. His parents also noticed a change in him, and his dad even asked me if he was doing drugs to which I denied (this was prior to me seeing him with drugs at home). Even after I saw the drugs at home and I knew in my gut something was not right I didn’t tell his parents. I protected him and I wanted to protect them. Until one day he used our daughter in a lie and that made me snap. I spoke to his parents again and there were really supportive to begin with. But as time went on and I kept talking to them it shifted. I am not sure if maybe I over stepped by calling then when I was in pain and when he continued to lie etc but I felt I had no one else to turn too. I feel like I have gone crazy, and the self doubt and guilt haunts me. I never thought I would be experiencing this and to this day I still am. I know my husband is in there, and I am hoping he comes to terms with his addiction before it’s too late. I am worried I will receive a phone call that he has either been arrested or worse has been hurt. We live in a small community and we are both very well known. I am constantly stopped by people asking if he is ok, they even stop my friends and family to ask. I have support but I feel that it doesn’t matter if I am supported or not because that doesn’t change the fact that my husband is know longer the man I married. I have days where I say am leaving him I can’t take it anymore but then I look at my beautiful children and I don’t want to put them through that pain. I have hope that he will get help and that things can improve and we can save our marriage.
I feel so alone in this. My husband is an addict. I didn’t realise the depths of it until after marriage..the lying, manipulation, stealing from me and cheating emotionally with other women.
Spending hours on end with his best mates (who are also addicts) fighting over his time spent with them not realising addiction was the main issue. He would go MIA for days no contact, me not sleeping worried sick! The promises were always there…always never came to fruition. It had to resort to violence against me that made my family aware.
He’s changed completely. Is always angry..just on his phone (which now I realise he’s using our child’s pics to send relatives to ask for money..and whether people send him money or not is what was dictating his mood…cz money meant he got to feed his addiction that day) he was almost always moody n I just became a slave to it!
When I speak about it to anyone… everyone’s response is “leave him”, “he’ll never change!” I don’t know what to believe! I love him n I’m so dependent on him to do stuff for me n us as a family and I sound pathetic saying all this which just fuels my now depression over what I’ve been through.
All his relatives have distanced themselves from me I have zero support. I can’t speak to my family cz I just don’t wanna hear it! it’s not support it’s just judgment. I kicked him out and I’ve just gotten lonelier and lonelier. No support no friends. My therapist I just feel (whether this is in my head or not) that I’m pathetic. Everyone says work on u…forget him sort urself out. So much easier said than done when u love someone so much.
There’s snippets of him being so loving etc makes me forget the bad then there’s days all I do is remember the bad and I’m just angry. Being older and with kids I don’t know who would want me now. All this turmoil has made me add so much weight I just hate who I am now. Addiction is so destructive and he just doesn’t see it only his own pain! I’m trying to be there for the kids but I’m suffering.
Everywhere I look I’m just seeing happy couples and I’m sad…they’re married to a normal man how lucky are they I think. But then there’s times I hear about husbands being horrible, cheating etc then I think ok well my hubby isn’t that bad maybe I should just ignore his addiction just like her everyone around him has done for years before he met me.
The only reason people know he’s an addict and we have problems is because I’m trying to get him to stop. Maybe if I just kept quiet they way women who’s husbands have mistresses just keep quiet n carry on..maybe things would be ok..I think some days. But I couldn’t carry on with so much betrayal when he would steal or cheat or go MIA.
He won’t go to treatment saying he can stop on his own. Words I’ve heard before n to me it’s just wanting to have his cake and eat it! Making me sit in hope not moving on while he carries on just figuring out new ways to hide it from me!
To all his friends I’m the bad person. I’m the ruiner who’s outing him! I don’t know what to do. My self esteem is gone, I feel so hopeless especially coming from previous divorce not too many years ago. If it wasn’t for my faith I would not be holding on to this life as everyone has made it so clear throughout my recent past that they could parent my kids better. I’m being judged as a bad mother for remaining married to him. So what use am I?
I just wish I knew what to do. I wish I could move to a different country n just start a fresh but I’m stuck. The shame of everyone knowing. I feel like my whole life has played out like a soap opera for geryobe to see cz everyone knows when he’s not home cz he goes to stay with his friends!
This is another failed marriage for me, me being alone no friends no life. All the odds are against me n he knows it that’s why he walks all over me with his addiction. He knows I have no one to even go out for a coffee with. Just me and these walls. I can’t force someone to befriend me. He’s out there living his best life. Leaving the home hasn’t opened his eyes to anything cz he’s got people giving him money. And he knows he’s left a broken woman behind. To lose this weight could take years or months for my to have confidence to be seen! Seems so far when ur surviving minute by minute. He says he loves me yet when we’re together he’s lying daily cz he’s using n hiding etc.
I am going through a similar situation. My baby daddy is an addict. Hd is in denial of this. However he spents a lot of time with his friend, who are addicts as well. We live together with our two year old son. What I hate the most about his addiction is that he does not listen to me. He forgets things I tell him to do. Ho we’ve if one of his friends asks him to do something he doesn’t forget. He won’t wake up in the morning unless one of his friends knock on the door. He is distant and believe me he was the total opposite when I met him.
I really don’t want to leave him alone because I am worried he might kill himself. It’s good to know that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your stories and you have given me a lot to think about as well.
I’ve been with an addict for 17 years. It got to the point where I had to separate for the health of myself and our children. That time was very painful for all of us and I was so angry, bitter and stressed as I tried to rebuild my life from the mess it had become. He went into treatment and was angry that I had left him when I had said I never would. That I should have supported him through anything, that he had a disease. There was no compassion or understanding of the pain the kids and I were trying to heal from. He had been through treatment before and I realized he was merely going through the motions to just pass the programs, that he felt he didn’t need to follow through with the meetings and care afterwards to stay sober. And he always relapsed. So I wasn’t supportive and I was doubtful of this stint in treatment, resentful of his anger. Slowly he made changes, and I saw the true sober man. We mended our relationship with each other and as a family. But now we’re back into his addiction. He’s justifying it because he has more pain and has had more trauma than anyone, he is functioning and doing what he should, because I abandoned him before when he needed me the most. He’s working, but he’s never truly present at home. We have no relationship really, he’s an an intimate relationship with his addiction. We moved so he could be closer to his sober support group but he won’t reach out. I’m back in that place of being scared, sad and angry. I love him, I worry for him. But I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life. It’s like being the third wheel. It’s like waiting for the floor to drop out from under you again. I don’t want to lose the wonderful person that we had for a bit, but I don’t want to put myself through these painful feelings just waiting for him to appear.
I understand and completely feel your pain. I have to believe there is a good life for you beyond what you are enduring presently. I spent 23yrs loving an addict, and in another relationship right after with him in rehab now and wanting to come back after 60 days rather than 90. I don’t want to put myself out there again because the pain of relapse would be unbearable. God bless you and your family.
I felt emotional reading this. I was just googling it. My boyfriend no longer drinks. 3 years sober. We met 2 months into his sobering. Always been aware he smokes weed. But I suspect something stronger has been going on particularly at weekends for several months now. I’ve discovered a pipe.money is being burned through. i find it hard to believe its weed. He’s always going out in the night for half hour here and there. He’s moody. Always borrowing my money. Up and down with how he is towards me. Blaming me for his problems. Then needing me or his world will end. Poor sleep habits. Every other day I’m in trouble with him. He’s got a history of lying and cheating via his phone. But the worst part is he now goes in my bag and takes my bankcard when I sleep. He isn’t even trying to hide it but denies he’s done it everytime or denies all the transactions are him. Still love him.but realising now he’s not caring for me in return.
Im an addict and i lost love my life over it and hate myself everyday sence but its was all drink drug abuse toke us and boke us so its not easy 4 years later im still fucked and dont wanta be even ere but i may be but its hard cant sleep eat for upto 8 or 9 days..so i feel all but blame none only that dirt the devil the drugs take all and i hate it but eh im jay il say il try an other day
I read these stories and wish I had done something about my life sooner. I have been married to a man with addiction for 16 years. It started with weed , then pain pills and finally Cocaine. I have been living in my fathers house for 16 years. My ex spouse made enough money to buy a house, he is intelligent and he was a good man but not to me and our children. He spent all his money as he made it to feed his addiction. I held on like it was my life’s mission. I thought that this was my test from God and I was so wrong. I left him 2 months ago because I started hating myself, I was enraged with myself for just letting him walk all over my boundaries. My self worth is close to none. I have to say that I have slept peacefully for these 2 months. I have cried and been a whole mess but I’m making it. I have 2 daughters and I kept feeling guilty. My brain has told me NO MORE. The sacrifices I have made didn’t benefit anyone. There was no reward, just the biggest life lesson. Drugs can take everything from you. I get a tiny bit stronger everyday and I take it as a win. If I could survive the 16 years of pure hell. I can survive living with my emotions and getting better. I’m far from feeling good but I’m doing it now. My advice to people still in that toxic environment, Run! You don’t get a shot at life twice! You cannot help anyone who doesn’t want to change. I did everything I possibly could and now I’m looking in the mirror and I don’t know what I’m looking at. I’m picking up my pieces. You will never be understood by an addict and they will be full of lies.
Wow I am going through this now! Currently 7 months pregnant and decided to walk away from my significant other. His choice of drug age pills and I had enough! He nerve gets what I’m sayin and he has blamed my rage and invasiveness on me. I’ve tried everything and he blamed me at the end. His family isn’t a fan of me bc they see him suffering due to me and what he says to them. I never saw myself like this. But this helps to know that I am not alone and leaving will be painful for me and my little girl but we will be free from suffering
Im sending you strength. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing that, I am in the process of leaving my addict, your words are an inspiration and knowing the pieces can be put back together makes me feel so much stronger.
Thank you 🙂
My GF of 18 months who I love and she loves me left/moved out Last week, when she first discovered my gambling problem. I’ve broken her heart and my own.
I’ve admitted to her I have problem and I’ve checked myself into in house rehab program for 28 days next week, I’ve gone to a GA meeting every day in the mean time.
I’ve blocked every single account on line and downloaded gambling block on my phone.
I’ve no access cash cut up my bank cards only Apple Pay for any shopping from now on
I’ve made a list and repayment plan for money owed and will be death free by June
Ive removed all social media and online newspapers from my life to erode negativity
I’ve let my family know my issues who are not now talking to me now and my best mates who are supporting me
I’ve maintained contact with my ex who is supportive that I get the help I need but she also maintains we are done and she’s lucky she found out now before had kids
how or can you make her see it’s a illness I’ve admitted to and I am seeking professional help ? I want to quit and I understand I’ve broke her trust and I manipulated her with regards money but one thing we never had a row or issues up to Friday, it was true love. Shouldn’t love give you one chance to show you’ve leaned and can manage this illness? I’d like to think I’d do same if was other way around and i don’t say that selfishly
how can I persuade her I can recover and be trusted long term after my recovery
I’m not expecting it to happen overnight
I also am aware my recovery has to be based on myself and I want that but I’m struggling with the loss of my one true love
I was touched by your story and really want to know how you’re doing now and if you have recovered from your gambling addiction?
I’d like to believe that true love conquers all and I guess in the end we just have to trust that. If you follow through your treatment something better will be waiting if she did not have the patience or love left to wait for your recovery.
I dated a guy for 5 months that I really liked, but he started asking me for money. I thought it was super weird but I did give him money in the beginning when it was smaller sums. With time I understood that he had a gambling problem. In the end he asked me to take a loan as I was “the only one that could help” him with his debts, bad people was chasing him etc, knowing very well I was struggling financially myself. This made me decide to end things in a harsh way with him and I asked him to never contact me again and seek professional help for his gambling addiction. I’ve not heard from him since, and it happened 2 weeks ago. I struggle with bad conscience for being so harsh. Should I contact him again and let him know that I’ll be there if he decides to seek help, or should I stay away and protect myself from the manipulation and mood swings?
I’ve been with my bf for four years. We were both unhappily married to others and left our respective marriages for each other. He was my perfect soulmate. Things were on the right track towards a new life together.
For a year after, I heard many many excuses as to why he would go MIA for days, why he slept ALL bloody day long and why he wasn’t taking care of himself. I had no clue and believed him. I supported him, fed him, housed him, took care of him, took his calls at all hours of the day even when I’m suppose to be with my son and yes gave him money.
Then he called me in a panic two months ago.
Confessed He was addicted to coke and in severe debt that he couldn’t pay his rent or get groceries. Got his drugs from escorts. I had NO clue. The signs were all there. I just believed him when he told me he “forgot” his phone somewhere or was exhausted because he didn’t sleep well. He would go on and lose his job, his child, not get approved for loans or government benefits. I told him I need space now as it’s severely affecting me in every way. How can you NOT be there for your loved one when they need you tho? How can I just wash my hands of this man I love very much?!
My heart and soul are broken. I still hold hope. I still love him but my soulmate as I know him is gone. After all that. Maybe he will come back. Maybe I’ll have to meet him in another lifetime.
All your stories helped and I resonate with all of them. Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope you all found peace and love.
I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve lost two uncles from drug use & my family has a history of it. Luckily I was raised by my mother’s grandparents. Lost my mom/grandma almost nine years ago. I miss her everyday.. My real mom is their daughter & we’ve always talked & been somewhat close but she’s almost 70 now & still has a drug & alcohol problem. Yesterday she called me all messed up & I could tell. I don’t know how to deal with this. I haven’t ever had an issue with drugs or alcohol. I don’t know how to talk to her. I’m so angry with her. Please tell me what to do.. I love her but I can’t keep dealing with this… When she’s not high or drunk she’s a great person.. I don’t understand it she will go a month or so without drinking or doing drugs & than just falls off of the wagon & does drugs again. Her husband texted me & said your mom has been drinking again & I have evidence that she’s been smoking crack. I didn’t respond & still haven’t.. I don’t know what to do. I just know I can’t deal with it!! Is not talking to her the answer?? I don’t know. I have a great life with a great husband, two grown wonderful daughters & three grandkids. I haven’t ever felt the need to be a alcoholic or to do drugs. I don’t know if I should just focus on my own little family or what I should do.. I love her but I can’t talk to her when she’s all messed up. Any advice on how to deal with her would be great. Thank you.
This put a lot of warmth on my heart because I was previously involved with an addict actually for three years I saw the good in him when we first got together and at the end I saw the very ugly, I love this man so much and he would always tell me that he love me and that I’m going to be his future wife I don’t believe him. I got tired, enough was enough I walked away but before I walked away I sent him a long text message he read it and blocked me I accept that because I understand when your in that state of mind you can’t accept the real, deep in my heart I know that he love me but I do realize that he loves the drugs more than me and himself . I’ve tried to help him by bringing him to detox he walked out twice it was enough for me I can love him from a distance and keep him in my prayers every day and night and focus on God and myself because it hurt to love and focus on him. I’m hurting behind this because that was the man I wanted to marry and have his child 🥲 keep me in prayer while I keep you all in prayer.
Thank you for your article, it really helped me understand the life of an addict, my feelings and how to deal with one. I found my addict dead on Jan. 31, 2022. He was my boyfriend for almost two years. I suspect he overdosed, the toxicology report is not back yet. I had no clue that he was addicted or even used drugs until three weeks ago when his addiction started getting the best of him causing him to need drugs more consistently than he had been using, which made him clumsy with his usage. This man was snorting crushed pills, smoking crack, using meth and still looked good. I saw him everyday and had no clue. I think I missed the signs because I was unaware of the signs.
Looking back, I think the first sign for me (I didn’t know it was a sign) was him needing money when his payroll checks were $3,000 plus bi-weekly. I just thought his bills were still behind because of the bad accident he had in June of 2021. Then there was the runny nose, I thought it was sinuses. We both have allergies. On two occasions, he had a white powder in his nose hairs. I thought it was from the baby powder he used after he showered. It was not until, I noticed the excessive sleeping, the going in the bathroom running water for no reason and the need to take a shower after just taking one, my gut told me something was wrong so I started playing drug dog. I was devasted when I found a clear glass tube that was burnt on the end and some other drug paraphernalia in his house coat pocket. He died not knowing I had found out he was addicted to drugs.
I am so sorry for your loss. Could you share more with me on the running water and showers. I think I am in a similar situation but because I don’t know the signs I am completely oblivious.
My husband is a heroin addict and I am at my last straw. He’s currently going off on me because I won’t give him money for dope. I don’t know if I should give in or stick to my guns. He said he’s done with me Bc I’m greedy. I am not greedy I just don’t want my hard-earned money to go to drugs I hate.
It’s not your responsibility to provide him with drugs and you are only making him hate you everytime you give in because then it becomes expected so when you show the slightest resistance anger will arise. He knows what he is doing but the drug is more important than his relationship with you. I lived that life for almost 20 years so I know the pain that it has caused and I know how hard walking away will be but if he truly loved you then he wouldn’t be putting you thru this and if you love yourself then you shouldn’t be putting up with that. He is toxic and nothing good can come from that. Cut all contact with him until he can provide something positive and valuable to your life. I know that Its easier said than done but you’ll wish you had done it sooner
I have a boyfriend who would pay for drugs until he started getting them for free. Now he won’t leave this tent they set up illegally in the riverbed. He’s homeless but these people all have homes. It makes me mad. I’m just sitting here with my tongue boiling. There’s a protocol for doing drugs and they just don’t give them out for free but that is a huge problem here with meth. I had so many people offer me pipes but not give me any. They’d like trap you in the car or on the street. Somehow they could just tell you were vulnerable. The DEAs job is to know who the real bad guys are. Doctors and courts are there to rehabilitate a person. He’s trying to do right I think by paying for it, maybe he just needs medication.
The man I love just admitted to me that he’s addicted to pain meds. As a chronic pain sufferer, this is a huge a problem and even though he’s gone cold turkey on the meds (not sure that’s the best option, but I can’t control him), I don’t see how he can stay off pain meds completely when he is suffering so much pain without them.
It was easy for him to hide it from me since we live far from each other. And he didn’t think it was a problem the last time we saw each other, even though he was hiding taking them from me.
He’s started attending NA meetings. I have hope he can control it, but I also worry a lot about how he’s going to endure the constant, severe pain without meds.
Thank you for explaining that it’s important to understand the difference between helping and enabling. I just found out that my son has some problems with drugs and can’t support his own addiction anymore. I’ll be sure to think a lot about how to help him out without enabling his addiction to stick around.
I’ve been with my partner for 4 years.. he gave me the most perfect love when he was sober… he promised me time and time again that he would clean himself up – our dreams were more important than the drugs and alcohol… I realise now that it will take more than love for him to realise he needs help.
As much as I love him, I need to love myself more.
I have kept the sadness of the last four years inside me… I was too ashamed out what people would say… I didn’t want to be pitied. It killed me not having anyone to speak to.
Tonight I called my sister and told her. I told her everything… and we cried together.
Just having this chance to express myself tonight makes me feel so much stronger.. I know I’m not alone.
I know this road ahead is not going to be easy… I don’t think leaving him has completely hit me yet… I know I will be sad and there will be really sad days ahead of me… but I know that in the long run, my physical and mental health will thank me for it.
As much as I love this man, I need to stop enabling his behaviour.
My heart is broken. I had to leave my fiance who is an addict and turn him out a couple days ago even though he had nowhere else to go as he had burned all his bridges. Before we got together he was addicted to crack and also had serious drinking problems. Once we started dating he quit the crack cold turkey, but was still drinking a lot. He wouldn’t be violent or anything but would often drink to a blackout point and get very loud and kind of jerky and stop listening to anyone. I saw him use coke a few times when we were together, and when he did he would buy $200 of coke and use it all in a few hours. I didn’t like to be around him when he was on coke, but it was so infrequently I tried to tell myself that it was a minor slip. He has ADHD and once I got him adderalls and he took ten pills in one night; I thought he was going to die. He was taking 10 melatonins a night; it was like he could turn anything into an addiction. We both sometimes had trust issues but his jealousy got really bad in the end. He accused me of being interested in his friend at a small gathering and it was extremely awkward. He was grabbing my face trying to kiss me aggressively in front of this guy and we left early. We got in an argument and he said he was going to meet a friend who I knew was bad news. I told him if he went it was over. He went. He left at 11pm and didn’t come back until 4pm the next day. All this happened while we were at his dads house for Christmas, and I was stranded there for a day without knowing anyone in the city, wondering if he was alive or dead. Obviously I did not sleep that night. When he got back it was clear he did crack all night. He was not at all himself. He said things to me that he could never take back. At this point I was done. We drove the 4 hours back to my place in my car so he could get his stuff and his own car, but once we got back he wore me down over the course of 48 hours. I hadn’t slept in three days and he was begging to stay and to call it a break. He was threatening suicide and using everything in his toolbox to try to get me to stay with him. I was a shell of a human being at this point. I talked to a friend on the phone when I was walking the dog, and she said she was coming to get me. I didn’t resist. I spent three days out of my home, completely shattered, speaking to crisis workers. While I was out of the home, he texted me around 50 times one night, even accusing me of cheating even though I was lying in a bed crying unable to eat. My friend took my phone so that I didn’t have to face it. His dad was texting me telling me he couldn’t come home, bribing me with money and trips to stay with him, and telling me that I was his rehab.
But I am not a rehab. I am not a social worker. I was not equipped to handle this. I finally had to have my friend text him to tell him that he had to leave my apartment. We sent him some gas money and he left without us saying goodbye. I couldn’t speak to him or see him at that time, I was a shell.
I am gutted. We were engaged. He only had one bad slip. But that bad slip crossed a line, a boundary that I couldn’t forgive. I feel like I just threw him away for struggling with his addiction but I didn’t know how to go on with him.
I am trying to focus on my own self care, but I think about him constantly and wonder if he’s okay. I try to tell myself it’s not my responsibility wherever he is, but at times this is hard to accept. I hope with all my heart he stays on a good path and has good people around. I hope this experience has opened his eyes. I believe in him. He will survive and make it out stronger than ever.
After reading this article it hit home as I can relate to it in every way. I’ve been married to a addict for over 10 years but together for 15. We have 3 wonderful children together which I am so grateful for. When I met her it was like a whirlwind romance. I know it sounds like a cliche but she did take me by surprise. Over the months as I got to know her more she did have a dark past and overcame an addiction with Heroin. I never judged as she turned it around and everyone deserved a second chance at life.
Things moved really fast she became pregnant with our first child and we decided to get our first flat together. The early warning signs began to show the poor control of spending which meant the rent wasn’t being paid. She made me to believe for months that everything was fine until I got the a call from the landlord. She had been driving to the landlords home explaining to them we had money issues which we didn’t and we would pay next month. This went on for 3 months. Now addicts do not like to be confronted with issues or told the impact their actions have caused. I asked for my bank card to check the account. It was like getting blood from a stone eventually she gave me the card and I went to the cash point. The machine took my card I went home and she was no where to be seen. She had left the home when I went to cash point and stayed with a friend. Eventually she came home and this tactic felt like more of a punishment to me. After talking and the anxiety I felt I forgave her.
Over the coming years this was a pattern and a tactic she would use. She’d run up debts and once the issue surfaced she would disappear for days even weeks. I convinced myself that her poor judgement and money management was down to her up bringing. I thought over time she’d understand and things would get better.
She became pregnant with our second child and I decided to join the army to provide a better life for my family. After passing out from basic training we got married and moved into our first big home. It was everything I wanted wife, children and stability. Her spending never stopped and it was always the same arguments. I began to notice she was taking a lot of pain killers the ones you can buy of the shelf. At the same time she suffered with depression so one day I said don’t you think you’ve been on them pills to long. She struggled with the idea but convinced me it was for the best.
Overtime bills and catalog payment request were coming through the door. It just felt like I wasn’t getting a break. I got promoted and reposted to new camp. More money fresh start and we just had our third child. Everything seemed to be fine but I wasn’t content because I had a really good pay rise but it always felt I was no better off. The pill taking never stopped but what I did notice they were getting stronger. She kept changing her doctors every 4 months and I couldn’t understand why. I believe what she was taking could only be taken for a limited time and once that time was up. She had to move doctors to start the process again. Our tour here didn’t end well as a neighbour and a friend took his own life. We were first on the screen including my wife and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I would also say this was a trigger point for what was going to unfold.
I got promoted again and posted to a new camp and it was here when things turned for the worst. Gambling took over her life and she stole my card to open online gambling accounts. When I checked my online banking there were loads of gambling websites. I asked her if she knew anything about it and as cool as a cucumber said no. In front of her I called the bank and said my card had been cloned and used for these sites. She was sat next to me when I did this. Two days later the fraud team called me from the bank and said do you know and said my wife’s name. I couldn’t believe it how could someone sit there and allow them to make a fool of themselves. I confronted her and there was no response of why she stole my card and started gambling. To top it off allow me to make a fool of myself.
The pressure increased as debt letters began coming through the door. Her constant taking of Tramadol was out of control. Hiding debt letters, falling asleep in front of the children. Her sleep patterns were out the window she became very difficult to contact during the day. We could never talk about the issues we were facing because she wasn’t in any fit state. Due to the arguments social services were involved. But the only time I would see her is if she got up was before taking the kids to school or when she got in from picking them up. By the time the children were put to bed she made sure she was not in any fit state to talk. Eventually the lies and excuses began. She would say I’m popping to shop and be gone for hours. She would say I’ve got work and we wouldn’t see her all day. Coming home 5 o’clock in the morning when she was only going up the shop. I couldn’t keep up but I knew something wasn’t adding up. I believed she was having an affair if it wasn’t that then drugs.
She would do anything to take the car and no matter what I did she’s always take it. It became easier to just let her go. To stop the arguments in front of the children. A close friend of ours approached me with concerns. He said his wife had been collecting my kids from school for weeks and looking after them. He also said she had been borrowing money of people on the estate. Her reason was because I wouldn’t give her food shopping money. But the truth was I was giving hundreds of pounds but there was no food. This was the straw that broke the camels back. She was on a downward spiral and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. She would run to her parents telling them every lie under the sun and get everything she wanted. Never at home, always letting the me and the kids down. Lie after lie and totally not with it with the drugs she was taking.
One Sunday she had been telling me she was waiting to get paid. I had money but there was something telling me don’t give it to her. There was enough to feed us until pay day. She looked at me and said I’ve not been paid and made up another excuse. I gave her some money not all of it, to go and get some shopping. She left that Sunday and never came back. For two weeks the police was looking for her and she even had the family car. During this time people on estate was asking where she is as she had taken money of them and not paid it back. These families I work with and I knew nothing about it. After two weeks she came home and the nightmare began. She was just using the house to recharge her batteries, eat food and go off again. For three months she did this until I was at breaking point. I had to put my foot down She never had the car again, I gave her no money and boxed her things. Me and the kids were moving to a new home as I was posted so it was a fresh start for me and the kids. She returned home after weeks away staying with random strangers doing drugs and she was totally shocked to see all her stuff outside. She was like why is all my stuff boxed up outside. I was like your not coming back. She said I never said I wasn’t coming back. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
After a little bit of counselling and mediation she said she was ready for help. Moving away new start and the right support we could beat it. At first I thought when we moved everything would be ok. I took control of the finance I had the car, controlling is a strong word but I put things in place to protect me and the children. I was taking her to appointments and slowly I was getting my wife back. The moment you relax and believe you can trust you’ve set yourself up for failure. She convinced me to allow her to go to her own appointments, go shopping and do more things to help. She said she was a prisoner in her own home. The guilt set in and as I loved her and wanted her feel part of the family again I agreed.
At first everything was fine but over the coming weeks things began to fall apart again. She was torn from being with her family she loved and the addiction she couldn’t control. It didn’t matter where we lived she would find what she needed. She started missing appointments the lies were back and even though she was found out there was no emotion. As we had a lot of supporting agencies and social services supporting me I made the decision for her to leave. Things were not improving and I was evidence she had been meeting up with people from where we use to live. The guilt trip of having no where to go as she had burnt all her bridges with her own family and they’d been down this road before. They just had enough. With this hanging over her head the fact she would be homeless if she didn’t change sank in.
COVID hit the news and the country was going into lock down. For me and my family it was a blessing as we couldn’t go anywhere. The restrictions were put into place I could work from home it was perfect. She began to put to put on weight and live again. Over the year I had my wife and loving mum back. She showed remorse for what she had put us through. There was hope and normality again. That year everything we had been through was distant memory.
This year I felt like I could go back to work and be normal again. So all the barriers I had put up to protect me and the family I let them go. I honestly believed we had beaten it and I had my family back. I put all my feelings and emotions to one side and I had kept the family unit together. When I got married I meant the words for better or worst. I honestly I believed if it was me who was struggling with mental health or an addiction she would stand by me. My love for her blurred my judgement and I know she knew this. I was on cloud nine I felt it was right to deploy with the army.
So going away and being super busy I had to trust her and believe her when she said you don’t have to worry everything will be ok. Over the last month being home I began noticing things again. Always asking for money, going out for hours on her own. Unable to contact her when she’s out. No food in cupboards her sleeping pattern had gone again. When confronted with these issues I could see the person in front of me wasn’t my wife. There was no reasoning, the constant lies lack of responsibility poor excuses wouldn’t stop. The thing that hurt me the most is she made me think I was going crazy making everything up in my head over reacting to everything. But my gut said otherwise. The lies she gave on the build up to Christmas she was asking for money even though she’d been paid. But she said I’ve brought Christmas presents so none you should be ungrateful. Over the weeks no presents arrived and I ended up buying everything for Christmas. Apart from the push bikes which I made her transfer the money over to me straight away when she got paid. She started leaving the kids at home alone more often, going out by herself all the time. I was finding receipts with locations where she had no reason of being there. Lie after lie but the pressure was building again. Christmas Day was a disappointment you could see the surprise on my face of these presents she said she brought and didn’t exist. I wasn’t surprised it just confirmed to me something wasn’t adding up.
You learn from history and you may not see your scares but they are still there. These scares are also experience gained from before. She was bed ridden for two days, sweating with stomach cramps. Couldn’t eat or drink and I was concerned. She managed to have a bath and come down for the evening and just sat there. She knew I wasn’t happy and we’d been speaking about a divorce and I really wanted one. The reality of her on her own with three children struck home. We spoke and I said I’m lost and I need to go. Nothing is making sense and I’m unhappy. I know there is something up but I just can’t put my finger on it. The first lie came out I’m gambling again! She knew it was the least of my worries because I covered all the bills and she didn’t have access to my account. So I was content that I wasn’t broke. But I knew that wasn’t it as I explained to her current condition doesn’t add up. I constantly kept asking what else, trying to make eye contact nothing. Then she spoke I’m on drugs again!
What are you taking?
Weed and cocaine!
I’m no saint but I smoked weed when I was at college and did a line here or there and I was never in your state?
Silence resumed as the children entered the room. She asked if I needed anything from the shop as she was walking up there to get some flu tablets. I said no and she left but I stood by the window watching the car. She only walked 20 metres and waited to see if I’d come out. I didn’t I just waited and then I saw the hazards lights flash on the car as she tried to unlock it. I opened the front door and she walked away towards the shops looking back to see I was there. She had the spare key so I took the car and hid it on camp as I knew she didn’t have access. I came back and she was sat on the sofa. I was like no flu tablets then. Made excuse they were to much money up there. I asked her where is the spare car key and why did you try and open the car. No I didn’t she replied even though I saw her with my own eyes. With the knowledge of her taking drugs and admitting it’s been for the past 7 months. It hit me I meant to deploying in 3 weeks I can’t go now because of the children as they are my main priority. What impact will this have on work, the children and me. I looked at her and said do you know you what you have done? A shell of a person looking straight past me with nothing to say.
I walked outside to spark up a cigarette and she followed me behind and sat on the floor. Tears in her eyes she said you need to take everything of me. My heart dropped I knew what she was about to say. I replied with what is it you are taking.
I’m an addict and I’m smoking heroin again.
I was lost with my head spinning I didn’t want to believe it. I messaged a friend who lived a crossed the road. He lived through it with me last time. I just needed 5 minutes of head space. I went to his and he knew something was wrong. By the time at sat down the phone was ringing, I didn’t answer it but rang again and again so I answered. She asked where I was and I told her just give me 5 minutes to gather my thoughts. Text comes through why are you talking about our business to him. She was always concerned about what others thought of her it was like we had to keeps secrets and hide the truth.
While speaking to my friend there was banging on my friends front door it was my eldest shouting mums trying to strangle herself. I run into the house up stairs into my bedroom with the children standing over her. I checked her neck took the dressing gown rope off and tried to help her up. She refused the help but eventually got up and lied on the bed. All she wanted to do is crouch into ball holding her stomach. Not even aware of what she just done. I put the kids to bed and just left there keeping an eye on her through the night. In the morning she got up got dressed and came down stairs. She was clearly still in pain but I was so angry how this person showed no emotion knowing she’s lost everything. The kids knew there was something wrong especially the eldest who she took advantage off. My eldest found her pipe and stash while I was away and confronted her. She knew what it was after the arguments my wife bribed her with money and gifts not to say anything to me when I get back. Her loyalty to her mother had a conflict of interest and she knew my eldest had seen and knew to much. My eldest was scared to confine in me and my wife would shout her down at every opportunity. She knew how to control here and keep her quite.
When sat in the living room thinking of what to do and it was clear she had to go. She wanted to go because if I didn’t move and hide the car she would of went. She come clean because she’s in so much pain she’s needing to stop it. I offered to take her to the hospital she refused. The moment she knew she could leave she packed her bags and made plans. I took the spare car key and mobile phone I pay for as she sold the last two for drugs. She asked me to drop her off but I refused as I wasn’t dropping her off to her next hit. I believe she had lift ready because she kept asking me to go get the car. The moment I walked out the door she’d just slip away.
This is where this article hit me because my heart and love for this woman made me wobble. My brain knew this was the right thing for her to go. But l knew this was it. It’s different from all other times as she didn’t take anything with her. Just up and leave is what she did. I advised her not to go and ride it out here and we will get you the help. But she said don’t make this more difficult, I can’t look after the kids, they shouldn’t see me like this, I need to go and do this by myself. I knew this was lie afterwards as she stole all my Christmas presents and took them with her.
It’s day two now and she’s where she wants to be. There is nothing we could say or do could make her change not even our love was enough. Once again I’m left here not only dealing with my heart ache but with three confused children. I’ve found debt letters hiding while sorting out the house. Trying to work out my plan of action for the future. I did take one piece of advice. I sent her a message to her messenger. Once she decides to log in she will see this.
By the time you read this we hope you are on the road to recovery. Thank you for walking away as it was the right thing to do. Me and the kids love you and always will. Things will never be the same but once your on the road to recovery we are here to support you so you can have future with your children. As me and the kids move forward with our lives and put up barriers to protect us. This is not to hurt you or cause you pain it’s simply to protect ourselves from the addict not you. We understand the person in front of us was not my wife or loving mum but the addict. The addict used our love for you against us and took advantage of every opportunity. Good luck with your recovery and we know you can beat it again.
People say you become numb to it and it becomes easier. It never does still hurts especially now as I know I have to let her go. I hope god gives me the strength to stand strong for these kids. I know now there is no other option. Its been a rollercoaster of emotions and it has to end now.
Thank you for this article I really related and got a lot from it.
I thank you for your post as I know I’m not crazy now nor am I alone. My clean sober, loving husband of 17 years returned to being a meth user. Two months of myself in denial before he literally vanished. Kissed me and said he was going to friend for an hour. He powered off his phone as he had a pay as you go phone I knew nothing of at the time. I was met with dead silence from everyone as I begged for help. He told such drastic financial lies to borrow money from friends. I’ve always been a loving dedicated wife so this hurt deeply. He told everyone he filled for divorce to justify his leaving. Never a word to me. Now, three months later, he has cut off and discarded every family member, every sober friend and abandoned his job. He was mean and uncaring. I caught myself trying to pay his debt before he left so I guess this is a blessing. I miss him so very much. He’s 58 years old. I’m afraid every day and I’m hanging in limbo because I know he may or may not ever get help. He took my car which was a valentines gift. Now three months in arrears and no insurance. I pray it gets repossessed and maybe, just maybe he will see no way but up. Thank you for listening
I was married to a an addict for 6 years…he was a coke addict and crack cocaine addict but his choice of drug was mostly crack…we got divorced two years ago then remarried…it’s just been rollercoaster..my life turned upside down..I didn’t know of his addiction until I married him…the lies the minipulation verbal abuse never ended…he was always sorry and promised he would change but to no avail..he would steal loose every job he had n always made me feel him sorry which was my mistake..I put up with way to much from drugs to calling prostitutes for phone sex n the list goes on..he even spent a few nights in prison for possession of crack cocaine but he still didn’t change….I kicked him out 3 weeks ago n got a divorce..it was just enough he was taking me down with him n draining me emotionally…his parents try to hide his addiction and refuse to accept that he is an addict which is sad…I just had to do what’s best for me.
I needed to read this article so badly and to read the responses of everyone to know that I am not alone.
Most articles don’t help me because they just tell you to stop enabling like it’s something you never thought of. Of course I want to stop.
I think at first it was the belief that it would get better. I started working in a restaurant with the person. I had known him for years. We enjoyed working together. I started helping him out by picking him up and letting him borrow my car. He told me he liked me. I said I liked him back and we took the relationship further. Everything seemed to be fine. Then the lies and manipulation started.
He needed to borrow money because his rent deposit went missing. He got behind on his water bill. Then he told me about his addiction and how he was trying to get better and just needed the chance. We took over the kitchen. He sold things and pocketed the money. Eventually was fired and I couldn’t continue. Lost his place. Slept on people’s couches. Told me it was too dangerous to stay at these friend’s houses. He asked to stay at my house (that I owned with my sister) and said it would only be for a few days. I thought I would be able to control his behaviours if he did.
Fastforward two years. Still lives at my house, doesn’t pay rent, pay for this phone, never has enough money for groceries. Can’t find a job or keep a job. Keeps asking me to borrow money when he does get a job and promises to return it as soon as he gets paid. Something always happens that is not his fault and I don’t get the money back. I let this happen over and over again. He has me on the hook because I need the money back so badly that I believe that the jobs just don’t work out and he doesn’t get paid and the next one will get him back on track and he can start paying me back. He has also had people come after him for money that he convinces me to give him so that they don’t come to the house looking for him. I can’t tell if he is lying when he tells me this or not. I try to confront him and he tells me he knows he is selfish and a burden and feels guilty and basically yells at me. I lie to my sister and cover for him. But she knows he is addicted and just thinks I buy him food and smokes. She doesn’t know that he is addicted to the strongest pain killer. She doesn’t know what I’ve done. It would kill me if she found out.
Gotten to the point where my finances cause me so much panic and anguish and I tell him I can’t do this anymore. He said he is gotten so much better and just needs more time and makes excuses that all rehab costs money and have big waiting lists and that I have saved him and helped him so much because the thoughts he has when he isn’t on drugs are too much to deal with. He also constantly complains about physical pain and that he needs the drugs to be able to work.
I allowed myself to be completely manipulated and extremely codependent. Which I need to break out of. This article has helped me see what I need to do. I need to believe I am strong enough to do it. How else can I expect him to beat his addiction if I can’t break out of being an enabler or being codependent? I need to keep this in my mind at all times.
I have recently broke up with the love of my life! We have been together for 21 months and he was everything that I need, we had amazing chemistry in-between us and had that special bond also. We were on best friends level , I have never felt like this before with anyone else!
After we met we were trying to organise the 2nd date but he kept cancelling it because of several reasons. Finally we managed to meet up and from that moment I felt like that I have won the jackpot with him. Corona came along and moved him into my place as we had no choice and realised that he likes having his alcohol every day. I also found out that he likes gambling as well. We were furloughed for 3 months had the best time together but I did not like that he had his drinks every day.
He was always on his phone because of gambling and of course started to argue a lot because of these things but he reassured me that he was doing these this during lock down. We both went back to work but he carried on drinking and gambling. He as lost a significant amount! I started to notice that this is not right and literally drinks every day and gambles. I wanted to break up with him but he kept begging that he will put the drinks down. Of course I kept giving him changes , I was hoping that he will change. Then shut done came long at his work place and laterally he was drinking every day , spirits beers. He was not sobering up! One of the day I had to go to my friends just to have good night sleep I was that exhausted of arguing all the time and I realised I cannot do this anymore. So next day I kicked him out but he was back the in 2 days again. Of course he promised again everything but he was not able to stay alcohol for 1 or 2 days maximum and everything started again. We were fine ish until Christmas but just before I noticed empty glasses in his car, he always went out to have some drinks in his car. Just few days before Christmas he started his drinking session again as I did not like alcohol at the house he was drinking in his car. Then went to get more alcohol when he run out! This was the point when I had to involve his family to take him away as I could not deal with this anymore! Then he was back in the next few days and because of Christmas I gave him his last chance. I had to break up with him in March then we got back together again until August.
He is not able to admit to himself that he has got a problem a needs professional help so I decided to walk away from the relationship. I still love him but could not carry on like this anymore! Of course he got worse now and blaming me that i am not supporting him.
I am here now heart broken and cannot find back to myself. I am feeling so low and even had to move into my friends as mentally did not take this well. I am disappointed and drained!
We have planned to spend the rest of our lives together, marriage kids house and everything has fallen apart…
This is one of the most helpful, insightful and moving articles I have read on how to deal with an addict you love. And I have read a lot! I have managed to let go but it was the most heartbreaking thing I have had to do. The honesty and wisdom of this article keeps me going when I feel myself weakening through guilt or sadness. Thank you.
Everything I have read on this page JUST HIT ME HARD! I’ve experienced about 80% of this with my bf. I love him, he loves me, but loves heroin more. I’ve kicked him out twice….then let him back in for the 3rd time, because he “wanted to do things right with me and get help.” Well, it’s been 2 weeks and I think it’s worse. He looks dirty, sweaty and just doesn’t seem to care. He’s happy looking like a degenerate. I hate it! I’m to the point where I just want him to pack and go. I know I’ll be depressed and heartbroken but I’m like that already on pretty much a daily basis…he lost his job and did odd delivery jobs now and then but I have yet to see any money. I’m paying everything. I’m emotionally exhausted, physically feeling sick and my finances are the worst they’ve ever been. Not to mention, the paraphernalia I find. Which he’ll deny is recent. I will take some blame but feel he can take some too, if not 90% of it!
My husband of 15 years just recently left me and my 3 children for another addict. At first, when he initially left about a month and a half ago i was completely in the blind as to why, we had just celebrated our 15 year anniversary in August and just days before I caught him cheating, we were happy and in love, well as so I thought but now he says different and that our marriage had been over a long time ago. We have had issues the past 2 years when he started using meth and stopped coming home. He had struggled with a coke and alcohol addiction for 4 years prior to his meth addiction. He did the same thing 5 years ago when he was dealing with his coke and alcohol addiction, left us for another addict and came back after 3 months. He got cleaned but the last 2 years, his addiction and behavior and lack of attention to his family and responsibilities became worse as he stopped caring for family time and stopped working. Now he has left me again for another addict (pregnant prostitute-not his baby, he just met her early september) that is also manipulating him and he is allowing it because he is “in love” just how i allowed at as well. Im trying to be strong and tell myself, it will all be over soon but his hatred and blame towards me hurts and brings me down most of the time. Just a few days ago, he showed up at my workplace and assaulted me because I did not let him take the car or give him any money. The next day, i decided to file a restraining order and request custody of my children as I had enough and couldnt bear to see him in such a lost space and continue causing more harm. That was the most difficult thing i had ever had to do and really trying to accept that its also the right thing to do. He had been a great father and husband but now he has taken a turn for the worse and I truly hope he find his way back to his family and the relationship he is currently in with the other addict is just temporary. I am praying that i have done the right thing for all of us. I am at a better head space now that he is no longer harrasing and he is following the restraining order but it really is killing me on what i have done and that i have possibly really ended our marriage for good at this point. I dont have much support from my family but his family fully supports me in my decision and has faith that he will find his way back to his family but i have my doubts sometimes and wonder if what he feels for the other addict really is true love and also if he will end up getting strongly attached to the baby she is expecting (due any day now) and forget about his own children and so i wonder if im just kidding myself in gaining my family back. Im so lost.
Today is the 1st day that I have made a decision to break up and leave the life that I had for 14 years I have been with my boyfriend his been addicted to drugs for the same amount of years aswell .
Over the last 2 years we have been living together and since he has very traumatic child hood I was always the caregiver , mother , friend etc I always put myself last whenever making any decision .I have been the one working and supporting him since day 1 . Recently he got blessed with a job he still has this right now but with this disease everything can be taken away .
I could never plan and rely on him recently for the last couple of months as it was just one thing on his mind or when we do plan to do something I have to recover from an argument of me begging and pleading for change .
Many weeks I would cry and have suicidal thoughts and feel mentally unstable and humiliated about my life . We have no kids only a dog that saved my life in this time to be sane .
This drug makes you feel lonely and you are fighting against yourself I felt hopeless at the end I was praying for a sign and eventually one came right at my door where he became physically and showed he has no loyalty towards me .
I guess we all feel the same way when it comes to this . Right now I am at my moms place however his place is my workspace for temp I need to go back for work and stay there in separate room until I am off and come back home .
Right now his on a smoking spree for days
I just can’t anymore but at the same time I feel so hurt and want to support him
I just pray that this rattle will make him realize that he needs to Come right and make the change before things get out of hand
My ex husband went from cocaine to heroin and after i watched him down from the heroin the third time I threw him out. This was in 1975. Our son was 4 years old. Things went from bad to worse after he left and he was found in a gas station bathroom with a needle in his arm a few months later. and sent to the emergency room. He went to rehab for a year and then hooked up with a younger woman who had a little boy–she was also an addict. He called her and her son his “replacement family”. They eventually got married, but in the meantime he did things that were dangerous when he was with our son so I had to go to court to limit his actions. It was horrible and I worried about my son when he was with him.
He lied to me about her addiction for years after they got together. I found out 30 years later when I found out that they both had Hepatitis C from using needles together.
So he eventually cleaned up and so did she but he continue to drink and smoke pot and lie to her about this activities. They have been together for many years. He died recently after ignoring our son for almost 40 years. He spent most of this time with her spending all their money on themselves and leaving our son with almost nothing, except some money for his birthday and Christmas. He got sick and needed help and only wanted our son around when he needed something. I wrote to him before he died and told him what had happened to us, and that it would be nice if he could help our son out. His wife read that letter and when I called and talked to him and told him that I still loved him and I left him because I had to choose our son over him, she started yelling in the background that it was a bait and switch–because my son was talking to him first and then I asked to speak with him.
Well, his memorial was today and i could not go. All I could remember was all the years that we suffered after he left. At his memorial the people who came remembered him as this great guy and that he had the most beautiful sparkle in his eyes. I saw this in him whe n we first got together when I was 16 and he was 18. He had a way about him that sucked people in and people thought he was a really great guy, and no one believed me when i told them some of the things that he had done–this is when we were married. He could con anyone with that smile and those eyes. No one that knew him the last several years had no idea who he really was. Even my son who knows he was nothing but a drug addict seemed to fall for the BS at the memorial service. i did not go as I could not participate in something that seemed fake to me. He and his wife became very spiritual over the past several years, but their behavior did not indicate that they really had and sense of spirituality. It was really pathetic. My son thinks i am still angry and living in the past. Our son is really messed up and I have had to bear all the responsibility for years. He has no idea what I had to go through all these years. I blame myself for marrying this guy. So now i should feel better that he is gone, and all I really care about is if he left anything for our son. Thank you for listening.
Thank you SOOOO much for writing this Karen – this is all exactly how I feel and what I need to do dealing with my husband’s addiction. There are so many steps and it’s really hard and it’s comforting to know I am not alone.
The only thing I wanted to add that you didn’t mention is for people that are affected by a loved one’s addiction is to check out Al-Anon, Al-ateen and AFG (Al-Anon Family Groups) that are made specifically for people that are struggling with a family member or loved one’s addiction. Check out the meetings – they have many virtual meetings now – you don’t have to talk or even be on camera – just listening is helpful, knowing there is support out there and other people going through the same thing as you.
My daughter is set to be married in 3 weeks. She is fed up with his addiction to Adderall. I’ve asked several times if all was ok because I know she was monitoring his pills. Little did I know she has not been telling me the truth and wants to not go through with the wedding. I feel for my daughter of course for what she has been through and i feel for him because she didn’t do anything to help by not telling me or his parents. Now with 3 weeks left she’s asking I think too much from someone before the wedding and i know the goals wont be met that quickly. I’m frustrated, hurt, and confused.
It breaks my heart. It just breaks my heart. My addict is in recovery now, and I want to be happy, but I’m wrecked. I’m gonna need a lot of work to get better. I’m gonna go to my Nar-anon group now, but I know I need therapy and a psychiatrist. I had my own mental health issues before this, but they’ve just gotten so much worse. I can’t believe what this does to people. Stay strong and get help. There are so many of us out there. Just know you’re not alone.
Yes Curt…do it!! Na-anon, Al-anon any of them that are available in your area. There is a strength that we take from knowing we aren’t alone.
My husband used and drank for 12 years and is clean now. I called in Social Services to lay it on the line regarding his substance use on our children. He was forced to sign a court ordered agreement to not drink around his underage children (he was a vile drinker). Took full control of household money and I gave 2 choices …..him to leave or rehab, period. Then offered my love and support through recovery.
He is 8 years clean. I am 2 years healthy from help with PTSD and I wish I had went to group right away. Just do it Curt, waste no time…are lives were war zones and we have wounds,
Take care of yourself!!
My husband is the addict. The substances vary. He manipulates. He is erratic. He love bombs. I confront he gets aggressive and hateful. He stonewalls. He engages in gaslighting. He does not want to hear me when I tell him I see the addiction pattern again. He becomes narcissistic. He says things to cause deliberate hurt and pain. Why do I still love this man? Why cant I just walk away from his self destructive behavior? Im not doing our kids or myself a favor and its not stopping him from treating me the way he does. In his mind it is all my fault because Im a nagging bitch. He doesnt want hear me tell him he is doing wrong. He borders close to physical abuse but most of it is a psychological torment. He will hurt us if I stay he will hurt us if I leave.
Thank you for this post and reply I am heartbroken and have to let someone I love dearly go because of addiction, I found my way somehow here through a google search and there is so much information here, I am glad to know I am not alone, thank you
I don’t really know where to start, so i guess I’ll just jump in the deep end.
My wife is an addict and has been on and off heroin since her late teens. We met about a year after i was stationed at my first command. When we first met, i had never actually delt with anyone who was an addict and, what little i did know was not anywhere near enough to know what to expect. We met at a bar, and we ended up spending the next few weeks together depending on my work schedule. Now It wasn’t all the time during this period but i noticed towards night time her speech would slur, she would “nod out” and i would ask if she is ok, which would be met with the typical “yeah im just tired baby”.
Not long after this, i found out from her mother of all people that she (my wife) had been dealing with addiction since her late teens. I was scared, but i wanted to remain supportive, understanding, and empathetic, after all, its not her fault she suffers from addiction. So i buried my face in every article, peer-reviewed research, and experimental research i could find. I went to Dr. Appointments with her, asked questions, supported her through multiple detoxes, i even went to NA meetings with her. Everything was good for about a year and some change, until her old best friend (who she partied with) offered her a job working for her, i was ADAMANTLY against this, but after “reason” upon “reason” i gave in. Looking back i want to smack myself in the head and say “hey idiot look at the elephant in the room”. Long story short, her boss/best friend ended up leaving her with the company because she had a mental break of her own. They split ways after that and everything was fine. Until February. I noticed her eyes looked like pinholes and she had a slight slur when she spoke. I knew immediately what it was, so i dove back into damage control mode, only this time, its not working. I try to be empathetic when i know she used, telling her “its not your fault” or “im not mad”. But its become so draining…i still love her as much as i did when she was going through recovery and doing well…but i feel myself falling out of love with her because she’s an addict, because of all the constant lies, because of the instability it causes, and i hate myself for it. It’s supposed to be “in sickness and in health” right? Through the best of times and the worst of times? Dealing with this is making my deployment to the middle east look like a cake walk. Im trying to support her in healthy ways but its so hard when they just betray your trust over and over again. I dont want to lose her but even moreso i can’t watch her slowly kill herself with this shit.
Your so right. It’s so heartbreaking. I’m so pissed at my addict but I still love him and will feel guilty if anything happens because I had to let go and won’t be there to help them not overdose. It’s truly mean some of the choices he makes when he’s supposedly sober. I can’t put anything passed him then I read these things here and want to stay and help him but know all the cruel things that have happened and the way he seems so careless of. But then will come back crying n willing to get help perfossional help. I’m just at a loss I feel lost and no way out. I wish I could just be happy and have a loving family. I WISH WE ALL COULD JUST BE HAPPY INSIDE AND OUT. too heartbroken to make sense of it all.
Hi
I never really ever thought I would call my daughter an addict. She is 41 and was an amazing and very beautiful caring fun child and young woman.At 18 she lost a baby which I feel was the catalyst for her future drug use which became more serious after 32
She no longer resembles the daughter i once knew…I have been to hell and back and admit there have been times when I have enabled her…not with money but will take her food etc…is that wrong??
where did she go??? her addiction is to meth….my own fear has always been that she will die …its also selfish probably as that isn’t something I feel strong enough to ever endure…she is soooo loved.
She has cut herself/ had numerous overdoses/ been suicidal/police checks/ambulances/ major dental issues/ no work…currently she has a bf who is an addict with schizophrenia who hits her…this is new !..
and I can’t do anything…it hurts.
I’m trying hard to not check on her as I was doing this daily…now its once a week.She always tells me she loves me .shes is in such a low place…how can I be less close to her? I miss her
At my last visit she told me its only fortnightly usage now and was telling me how far her bf had come .She shares everything with me but being late 60s I’m not sure i should know more about meth addiction than anyone else my age!..I refuse to go inside her place because I won’t tolerate men who beat up on women..ever…
before meeting him she was suicidal and said things like” Mum, wouldn’t it be better for someone who wanted to be alive to have my organs??” then….” there’s only one reason I won’t do it and that’s you…I know it’d kill you.”
Anyone got some good advice? This year she has deteriorated and has seemed to lose all logic …I feel like it has affected her capacity ( hugely) to THINK…she is lost.
It can be scary to hurt so bad. I know she is an adult now . I’m trying to keep my.life in some form of order and take some part time work etc
Her ability to bounce back as she has managed in the past seems less likely and I have this utter dread of seeing police at my door or being called from hospital.
I would love anyone with any good advice to reply.
Thanks
How awful for you – what you have to endure emotionally each day for the love of your daughter. My only thoughts are that you have to get on and live your life as much as you can with some quality. Get some counselling to help you take care of yourself and your boundaries. Maybe find a spiritual practice to help comfort you and to try to see the bigger picture.
With metta, Keeley
Hello, your story made me cry. And I understand the pain and fear, confusion and heartache. My adult son had a meth problem, in and out of jail last 12 years. Tried rehab a few times and I do see the potential he has and all I can do is keep telling him how important he is to me and that I adore him. He’s worried I think he’s a failure…I just keep telling him how proud I am of him because he falls down and he gets back up again, that I believe in him and I know who he really is. But now I am trying to build myself up, going to counselling and keep myself strong and faithful so I can help myself and my sweet don. I will pray for you both, and never give up on her, she needs you to keep believing she can get better!
I fell in love with a man who gave up his addictions for me, because he knew that I was in recovery, but he’s had a few slip ups here and there, last night was terrible, I finally sat down and told him how I felt and how much he means to me. I don’t want to leave him at a time like this, but I’m scared that if I stay and he slips again that I won’t be able to say no next time. How can I support him, help him, and love him without stopping the love for myself and without falling back into old patterns?
Hello. I’m Lisa. I’m currently with my 2 year ++ relationship with my boyfriend. I first met him when he was alcoholic but deep down he was absolutely charming and loving. Reminder: he has diabetes type 1 and he’s an alcoholic. Things went really fast in the beginning as we moved in together after 4 months being together. That’s when his aggression Bcs of the alcohol started. One day he really beat me up after I pushed him as he was threatening me. I defended myself by scratching the shit out of him and biting him. By this time, he was really close to my family so he recorded himself showing the marks I left on him and sent it to my mom. My mom thought I was crazy when I called Bcs he somehow made me look like the bad one. He punched me in the stomach and back, threw a chair at my ribs, I had tons of bruises but I didn’t bother showing it to my mom. I packed all of my stuff and left for my hometown and he couldn’t stop texting me but didn’t even apologise or felt guilty. Somehow everything was back to normal even though after all that abuse. That was my mistake.
After he got extremely sick of alcohol (he puked so badly it cut his throat) he decided to stop, well at least for a week. Then he slowly started cutting down on alcohol and I thought oh maybe he found some sense but boy was I wrong. During New Years, he got so so fuxking drunk and passed out in the hotel (he was with his friend and his friend’s hookup). So this friend left him in the room with the hookup AND WITH MY BF PASSED TF OUT to get more alcohol. I was back in my hometown this time so I woke up Bcs of a bad dream where I saw pics of a girl sucking his pp and when I actually checked his gallery on his iPad (his iPhone is synced to the iPad) I was numb. I was so shocked I got a panic attack started bawling my eyes out. I called his friend right away and he said that my bf was still in the hotel room passed out alone. I told him to get his ass to the hotel room to check on my bf and he did. After everything, it turned out to be a misunderstanding (till this day I can’t believe)
Fast forward to now. He stopped alcohol, started on weed and THC (idk if it’s the same thing) and him being high 24/7 is absolutely a turn off which he doesn’t understand. He looks so ugly and disgusting when he’s high and it makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t stand it I hid his vape and vape juice that had THC and he freaked out big time. He got so pissed but didn’t hit me thank god. I’m at that stage where I’ve given up hope. I’m done with this relationship but I can’t seem to let go. I don’t know what to do.