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When Someone You Love has an Addiction

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When Someone You Love Has an Addiction

The fallout from an addiction, for addicts and the people who love them, is devastating – the manipulations, the guilt, the destruction of relationships and the breakage of people. When addicts know they are loved by someone who is invested in them, they immediately have fuel for their addiction. Your love and your need to bring them safely through their addiction might see you giving money you can’t afford, saying yes when that yes will destroy you, lying to protect them, and having your body turn cold with fear from the midnight ring of the phone. You dread seeing them and you need to see them, all at once. 

You might stop liking them, but you don’t stop loving them. If you’re waiting for the addict to stop the insanity – the guilt trips, the lying, the manipulation – it’s not going to happen. If you can’t say no to the manipulations of their addiction in your unaddicted state, know that they won’t say no from their addicted one. Not because they won’t, but because they can’t. 

If you love an addict, it will be a long and excruciating road before you realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do. It will come when you’re exhausted, heartbroken, and when you feel the pain of their self-destruction pressing relentlessly and permanently against you. The relationships and the world around you will start to break, and you’ll cut yourself on the jagged pieces.  That’s when you’ll know, from the deepest and purest part of you, that you just can’t live like this any more.  

I’ve worked with plenty of addicts, but the words in this post come from loving one. I have someone in my life who has been addicted to various substances. It’s been heartbreaking to watch. It’s been even more heartbreaking to watch the effect on the people I love who are closer to him than I am.

I would be lying if I said that my compassion has been undying. It hasn’t. It’s been exhausted and stripped back to bare. I feel regularly as though I have nothing left to give him. What I’ve learned, after many years, is that there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change him. With all of our combined wisdom, strength, love and unfailing will to make things better for him, there is nothing we can do. 

I realised a while ago that I couldn’t ride in the passenger seat with someone at the wheel who was on such a relentless path to self-destruction. It’s taken many years, a lot of sadness, and a lot of collateral damage to people, relationships and lives outside of his.

What I do know is that when he is ready to change direction, I’ll be there, with love, compassion and a fierce commitment to stand beside him in whatever way he needs to support his recovery. He will have an army of people behind him and beside him when he makes the decision, but until then, I and others who love him are powerless. I know that.

Nobody intends for a behaviour to become an addiction, and if you are someone who loves an addict – whether it’s a parent, child, partner, friend, sibling – the guilt, the shame and the helplessness can be overwhelming. 

Addiction is not a disease of character, personality, spirit or circumstance. It can happen to anyone. It’s a human condition with human consequences, and being that we’re all human, we’re all vulnerable. Addicts can come from any life and from any family. It’s likely that in our lifetime, if we don’t love someone with an addiction, we’ll know someone who does, so this is an important conversation to have, for all of us. 

The problem with loving an addict is that sometimes the things that will help them are the things that would seem hurtful, cold and cruel if they were done in response to non-addicts. Often, the best ways to respond to an addict have the breathtaking capacity to drown those who love them with guilt, grief, self-doubt and of course, resistance.

Loving an addict in any capacity can be one of the loneliest places in the world. It’s easy to feel judged for withdrawing support for the addict, but eventually, this becomes the only possible response. Unless someone has been in battle armour beside you, fighting the fight, being brought to their knees, with their heart-broken and their will tested, it’s not for them to judge. 

The more we can talk about openly about addiction, the more we can lift the shame, guilt, grief and unyielding self-doubt that often stands in the way of being able to respond to an addict in a way that supports their healing, rather than their addiction. It’s by talking that we give each other permission to feel what we feel, love who we love, and be who we are, with the vulnerabilities, frayed edges, courage and wisdom that are all a part of being human.

When Someone You Love is an Addict.

  1. You’re dealing with someone different now. 

    When an addiction takes hold, the person you love disappears, at least until the addiction loosens its grip. The person you love is still in there somewhere, but that’s not who you’re dealing with. The person you remember may have been warm, funny, generous, wise, strong – so many wonderful things – but addiction changes people. It takes a while to adjust to this reality and it’s very normal to respond to the addicted person as though he or she is the person you remember. This is what makes it so easy to fall for the manipulations, the lies and the betrayal – over and over. You’re responding to the person you remember – but this is not that person. The sooner you’re able to accept this, the sooner you can start working for the person you love and remember, which will mean doing what sometimes feels cruel, and always heartbreaking, so the addiction is starved of the power to keep that person away. The person you love is in there – support that person, not the addict in front of you. The sooner you’re able to stop falling for the manipulations, lies, shame and guilt that feeds their addiction, the more likely it will be that the person you remember will be able to find the way back to you.

  2. Don’t expect them to be on your logic.

    When an addiction takes hold, the person’s reality becomes distorted by that addiction. Understand that you can’t reason with them or talk them into seeing things the way you do. For them, their lies don’t feel like lies. Their betrayal doesn’t feel like betrayal. Their self-destruction doesn’t always feel like self-destruction. It feels like survival. Change will come when there is absolutely no other option but to change, not when you’re able to find the switch by giving them enough information or logic.

  3. When you’re protecting them from their own pain, you’re standing in the way of their reason to stop.

    Addicts will do anything to feed their addiction because when the addiction isn’t there, the emotional pain that fills the space is greater. People will only change when what they are doing causes them enough pain, that changing is a better option than staying the same. That’s not just for addicts, that’s for all of us. We often avoid change – relationships, jobs, habits – until we’ve felt enough discomfort with the old situation, to open up to a different option.

    Change happens when the force for change is greater than the force to stay the same. Until the pain of the addiction outweighs the emotional pain that drives the addiction, there will be no change. 

    When you do something that makes their addictive behaviour easier, or protects them from the pain of their addiction – perhaps by loaning them money, lying for them, driving them around – you’re stopping them from reaching the point where they feel enough pain that letting go of the addiction is a better option. Don’t minimise the addiction, ignore it, make excuses for it or cover it up. Love them, but don’t stand in the way of their healing by protecting them from the pain of their addiction. 

  4. There’s a different way to love an addict.

    When you love them the way you loved them before the addiction, you can end up supporting the addiction, not the person. Strong boundaries are important for both of you. The boundaries you once had might find you innocently doing things that make it easier for the addiction to continue. It’s okay to say no to things you might have once agreed to – in fact, it’s vital – and is often one of the most loving things you can do. If it’s difficult, have an anchor – a phrase or an image to remind you of why your ‘no’ is so important. If you feel as though saying no puts you in danger, the addiction has firmly embedded itself into the life of the person you love. In these circumstances, be open to the possibility that you may need professional support to help you to stay safe, perhaps by stopping contact. Keeping a distance between you both is no reflection on how much love and commitment you feel to the person, and all about keeping you both safe.

  5. Your boundaries – they’re important for both of you.

    If you love an addict, your boundaries will often have to be stronger and higher than they are with other people in your life. It’s easy to feel shame and guilt around this, but know that your boundaries are important because they’ll be working hard for both of you. Setting boundaries will help you to see things more clearly from all angles because you won’t be as blinded by the mess or as willing to see things through the addict’s eyes – a view that often involves entitlement, hopelessness, and believing in the validity of his or her manipulative behaviour. Set your boundaries lovingly and as often as you need to. Be clear about the consequences of violating the boundaries and make sure you follow through, otherwise it’s confusing for the addict and unfair for everyone. Pretending that your boundaries aren’t important will see the addict’s behaviour get worse as your boundaries get thinner. In the end this will only hurt both of you.

  6. You can’t fix them, and it’s important for everyone that you stop trying.

    The addict and what they do are completely beyond your control. They always will be. An addiction is all-consuming and it distorts reality. Know the difference between what you can change (you, the way you think, the things you do) and what you can’t change (anyone else). There will be a strength that comes from this, but believing this will take time, and that’s okay. If you love someone who has an addiction, know that their stopping isn’t just a matter of wanting to. Let go of needing to fix them or change them and release them with love, for your sake and for theirs.

  7. See the reality.

    When fear becomes overwhelming, denial is a really normal way to protect yourself from a painful reality. It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay, but this will only allow the addictive behaviour to bury itself in deeper. Take notice if you are being asked to provide money, emotional resources, time, babysitting – anything more than feels comfortable. Take notice also of the  feeling, however faint, that something isn’t right. Feelings are powerful, and will generally try to alert us when something isn’t right, long before our minds are willing to listen. 

  8. Don’t do things that keep their addiction alive.

    When you love an addict all sorts of boundaries and conventions get blurred. Know the difference between helping and enabling. Helping takes into account the long-term effects, benefits and consequences. Enabling is about providing immediate relief, and overlooks the long-term damage that might come with that short-term relief. Providing money, accommodation, dropping healthy boundaries to accommodate the addict – these are all completely understandable when it comes to looking after someone you love, but with someone who has an addiction, it’s helping to keep the addiction alive. 

    Ordinarily, it’s normal to help out the people we love when they need it, but there’s a difference between helping and enabling. Helping supports the person. Enabling supports the addiction. 

    Be as honest as you can about the impact of your choices. This is so difficult – I know how difficult this is, but when you change what you do, the addict will also have to change what he or she does to accommodate those changes. This will most likely spin you into guilt, but let the addicted one know that when he or she decides to do things differently, you’ll be the first one there and your arms will be open, and that you love them as much as you ever have. You will likely hear that you’re not believed, but this is designed to refuel your enabling behaviour. Receive what they are saying, be saddened by it and feel guilty if you want to – but for their sake, don’t change your decision.

  9. Don’t buy into their view of themselves.

    Addicts will believe with every part of their being that they can’t exist without their addiction. Don’t buy into it. They can be whole without their addiction but they won’t believe it, so you’ll have to believe it enough for both of you. You might have to accept that they aren’t ready to move towards that yet, and that’s okay, but in the meantime don’t actively support their view of themselves as having no option but to surrender fully to their addiction. Every time you do something that supports their addiction, you’re communicating your lack of faith in their capacity to live without it. Let that be an anchor that keeps your boundaries strong. 

  10. When you stand your ground, things might get worse before they get better.

    The more you allow yourself to be manipulated, the more you will be manipulated. When you stand your ground and stop giving in to the manipulation, the maniplulation may get worse before it stops. When something that has always worked stops working, it’s human nature to do it more. Don’t give into to the lying, blaming or guilt-tripping. They may withdraw, rage, become deeply sad or develop pain or illness. They’ll stop when they realise your resolve, but you’ll need to be the first one to decide that what they’re doing won’t work any more.

  11. You and self-love. It’s a necessity. 

    In the same way that it’s the addict’s responsibility to identify their needs and meet them in safe and fulfilling ways, it’s also your responsibility to identify and meet your own. Otherwise you will be drained and damaged – emotionally, physically and spiritually, and that’s not good for anyone.

  12. What are you getting out of it?

    This is such a hard question, and will take an open, brave heart to explore it. Addicts use addictive behaviours to stop from feeling pain. Understandably, the people who love them often use enabling behaviours to also stop from feeling pain. Loving an addict is heartbreaking. Helping the person can be a way to ease your own pain and can feel like a way to extend love to someone you’re desperate to reach. It can also be a way to compensate for the bad feelings you might feel towards the person for the pain they cause you. This is all really normal, but it’s important to explore how you might be unwittingly contributing to the problem. Be honest, and be ready for difficult things to come up. Do it with a trusted person or a counsellor if you need the support. It might be one of the most important things you can do for the addict. Think about what you imagine will happen if you stop doing what you’re doing for them. Then think about what will happen if you don’t. What you’re doing might save the person in the short-term, but the more intense the addictive behaviour, the more destructive the ultimate consequences of that behaviour if it’s allowed to continue. You can’t stop it continuing, but you can stop contributing to it. Be willing to look at what you’re doing with an open heart, and be brave enough to challenge yourself on whatever you might be doing that’s keeping the addiction alive. The easier you make it for them to maintain their addiction, the easier it is for them to maintain their addiction. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.

  13. What changes do you need to make in your own life?

    Focusing on an addict is likely to mean that the focus on your own life has been turned down – a lot. Sometimes, focusing on the addict is a way to avoid the pain of dealing with other issues that have the capacity to hurt you. When you explore this, be kind to yourself, otherwise the temptation will be to continue to blunt the reality. Be brave, and be gentle and rebuild your sense of self, your boundaries and your life. You can’t expect the addict in your life to deal with their issues, heal, and make the immensely brave move towards building a healthy life if you are unwilling to do that for yourself.

  14. Don’t blame the addict.

    The addict might deserve a lot of the blame, but blame will keep you angry, hurt and powerless. Addiction is already heavily steeped in shame. It’s the fuel that started it and it’s the fuel that will keep it going. Be careful you’re not contributing to keeping the shame fire lit.

  15. Be patient.

    Go for progress, not perfection. There will be forward steps and plenty of backward ones too.  Don’t see a backward step as failure. It’s not. Recovery never happens in a neat forward line and backward steps are all part of the process.

  16. Sometimes the only choice is to let go.

    Sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough. Loving someone with an addiction can tear at the seams of your soul. It can feel that painful. If you’ve never been through it, letting go of someone you love deeply, might seem unfathomable but if you’re nearing that point, you’ll know the desperation and the depth of raw pain that can drive such an impossible decision. If you need to let go, know that this is okay. Sometimes it’s the only option. Letting go of someone doesn’t mean you stop loving them – it never means that. You can still leave the way open if you want to. Even at their most desperate, most ruined, most pitiful point, let them know that you believe in them and that you’ll be there when they’re ready to do something different. This will leave the way open, but will put the responsibility for their healing in their hands, which is the only place for it to be.

And finally …

Let them know that you love them and have always loved them – whether they believe it or not. Saying it is as much for you as it is for them. 

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244 Comments

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Your loved one is going to lie to you, and you will want to believe them. They might actually believe it themselves. But what they are doing is protecting their illness, because their substance has come to seem as vital to them as air. This isn’t to say that you should excuse lying, only that you should understand where it’s coming from so you can take it a little less personally and avoid getting sidetracked by pain and resentment. Instead, keep the lines of communication open, but set clear boundaries that protect you and them, and that encourage a turn toward treatment.

Reply
Jay J

My friend wants her boyfriend to stop consuming drugs. I like how you mentioned the sooner you stop falling for what feeds the person addiction, the more likely it will be that the person you remember will find the way back to you. Thank you for the information. I’ll share this information with my friend so she can get help for him from a professional instead.

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Bernd G

Reading your article again and again gives
instant relief to my wounded soul.
Thank you so much.

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Heidi

Hi my name is Heidi and my boyfriend is a heroine addict and we been together 10 years and over past year he has relapsed so many times and it is destroying us! I get so mad at him and we fight every day and I just don’t know what to do anymore it is messing me up mentally I love him and wanna save him he says he wants the same but doesn’t show that please help me do I leave him or do I try and help him

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Monica C

These words are so spot on with what I am going through. I love him so much but he keeps running back to taking pills. Then he starts saying the most hurtful things to me that he would never say when he isn’t under the influence. I want to be there for him and i have been for 2 years and he gets better then goes backwards. Reading this made me feel better in how I am feeling and know that I am not wrong for still helping him get better but I need to set my boundaries. I just need to refrain from saying hurtful things back when he starts saying the hurtful things to me.

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NOELL G

I needed this article so bad. I just had to tell my brother, again, that he needed to leave my home this morning because my 16 yr old daughter found a crack pipe in our bathroom. He said he was in recovery, said he was getting better, he said all the right things. yet here we were again. I felt hopeless this morning. guilty, angry, ashamed at myself for allowing the door to be opened again, worried for him, fear. I was spinning.

Thank you for this article.

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Florinda S

Hi,I just left my husband of 15 years because legal marjuana had ruined our life for the last 4 months….since he started has been pure hell,there’s nothing left of him,it’s all about marjuana,took all the money out of our accojnt,since July 1st the police is been over the e house 23 times plus he as been baker acted twice……my husband is the most sweet ,gentle generous person u ever met who as now become a selfcentered monster with moods swings, can’t sleep,paranoid, a lier which is completely out of his character…out of the blue decided not to send our 3 kids to school……and when I finally got them back in school he showed up there all high trying to pick them up.
The police wea called he’s now ban from school has a transpass and school called CDS on us…….but thank GOD they understood the situation……the only thing I could say is that this is not my husband….the marjuana as altered his mind . I left a week ago, one time he called me crying to come home,one time he calls me mad, then his saying he’s coming for the kids,then he calls I abandon him….it’s a turture but I love him with all my heart,just going to pray and wait for him to realize hopefully it won’t be too late.

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AJ

This article makes me see I’m not alone which I have felt for so long.my hubby of 19 years was anti drugs when we met never been in trouble with the law we have 2 beautiful girls. He has recenlty been released from prison… that alone still blows my mind it blew my worl apart. He is living with his mum coz i wont let him live with me and it’s just the same stuff all over again. I’m so confused and lost. Hard not to be angry at him. Who is the addict and who is he. I feel I’m the one losing my mind. Het beautiful texts he wants US back he loves me so much etc etc yet lies to me in the next breath. Struggling to let him go its s vicious cycle. Meth is a killer all round

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Barbara

Are there meetings or counseling I can go to get help for me the mom because my 20 yr old is draining my life when he uses heroin and alcohol etc…

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Georgie

Thank you for your words of wisdom. They have come at the right time. We are dealing with our adult son who is homeless and addicted to meth. We are trying to guide him to seek recovery and know it is his decision alone to make. It is hard to set firm boundaries but know it is what’s needed for him to move forward.

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John c

Is there a support group I can go to in ny ? I am going through something very difficult at the moment and could really use a helping hand … ( this amazing well written) post has helped but I still am having a million of emotions In the amount of time it takes for a car accident to go from oh fuck this is happening to happening. Uhg .

Reply
Toby

I am going through a very similar situation. My bf’s demon is meth though. He has changed completely. Everything that he once valued about me, our home, our relationship, my son, etc no longer seems to matter to him at all. After getting upset because I confronted him about unprotected sex that I caught him having and breaking our bed, hitting me with the headboard, he moved out and has since isolated himself from me completely unless he wants or needs something. He currently stays with his cousin and spends all of his time holed up in a room there with a girl half of his age that admitted to me that she smokes ice. He still has not admitted to this day. I feel so hurt, so confused and so pissed at myself for holding on to how he was and still wanting that man. I know that he is no longer who I fell in love with. This is the hardest thing that I have ever went through and my heart breaks for anyone who loves an addict, as well as addicts themselves. This article was amazing.

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Addy

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He started Using drugs for over a year now. He has ptsd. This entire article has made me understand something that I didn’t want to admit to myself. One of those things is that It’s easier to help him since In a way it makes me feel at ease. Giving him money, making sure he eats, making sure he has a form of communication ultimately avoids any type of argument or feeling of guilt on my part. I’ve been pretending to be okay at work and with my family but deep down all I’m thinking about is if he is in jail, if he is with friends on the street, if he is sleeping on a bed, if he is okay or going crazy on drugs again , etc. It gets hard to function at times. Everytime I try to see him( to make sure he is okay) he always makes a scene in public. Strangers always overhear his screams and mumble talk and ask me if I’m okay. I don’t want to be the victim anymore. I understand mental illness and substance abuse is a big issue in society, especially vets with ptsd, and I have nothing but compassion and love for anyone struggling with this. I honestly couldn’t understand why people acted a certain way on the street but I get it now. And I understand how easy it can be to be manipulated into not helping but enabling. I’m going to be printing this article and re reading every day. It’s comforting in a way only the people that are going thru this will understand.

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Loren

Ive searched the internet daily for answers. This article describes every part of where I am and was.
Its so inspiring and such humbling truths.
I so grateful God allowed me to receive this article. It will be my inspirational print for the rest of my life. Thank so much. It has helped me see the truth.

Reply
Kerry

My partner been using more and over the last month ,and its destroying me,seeing him do this to himself,and I feel so helpless, I cant even send him away,from the area,because I haven’t got anyone I’m never felt so low

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In Love With an Addict

I am in love with an addict. He is an alcoholic and addicted to pot. We have had our issues before, but lately it has been out of control. In January, all of a sudden he started treating me really mean. He goes into these fits of rages and I don’t know why. This has been happening during our entire 9 year relationship. Sometimes when he drinks and/or smokes pot, he is fine, just drunk and/or stoned. But sometimes it’s like there’s this switch that flips and he becomes nasty, hurtful and mean. He doesn’t even look like the man I love-he looks demonic. And he screams. So loud the neighbors can hear. He calls me all kinds of names, makes up things that I didn’t do or say, says I blame him for things I haven’t blamed him for, and picks a subject and just won’t let go of it.

We have been living apart since June, and I told him I wanted to work on our relationship. that he and it meant so much to me. I have given up on my dreams for him, because he doesn’t like them. We seemed to be doing fine, just baby steps, then last night he started in, this time in public, and by the time I got him to where he was staying (a “friend” that he feeds off of, they both keep each other in pot and alcohol) he was in a full on screaming match. He left his cell phone in my truck and came by this morning to get it and he was still raging mad. Said I started the argument (I did not) and that he couldn’t live like this anymore. He didn’t want to listen to anything I had to say, and completely rejected my pleas for understanding.

I don’t know what to do. I know he’s an addict and can’t help what he’s doing. This is so incredibly painful because I love him more than anything God put on this Earth. He’s my great love. But blaming me for things I didn’t do, twisting things around to fit the fight he wants to fight, and his abusive behavior are leaving me hurt, sad, confused, conflicted and empty. I feel like he’s taken my brain, kicked it around like a soccer ball, and shoved it back into my skull. He’s taken my heart, ripped it out of my chest and stomped the hell out of it. I am broken hearted, and to top it off I’ve been diagnosed in the past as depressed, and I feel like I’m slipping again and am afraid I won’t come out of it this time.

Please help me. I don’t know what to do.

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Denice M

i am after walking away from an addict{alccohol/hash/tablets} i had to,he was getting worse.but now im back in my home {which im going to lose}with 3 addict sons. i am at my wits end with death threats,dealers,police etc. i am jittery,anxious,nervous all the time,looking out window,doors locked. im thinking of just walking away and going somewhere where they wont find me

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Lisa

When you start to feel crazy, when you start to feel depressed, when the addict’s words and actions start to destroy YOU, you have to leave.

As heart breaking as it is, it saved me from driving off a bridge.

Cut off all contact, texts, phone calls, emails, everything you can because it will get nasty before it gets better.

My heart goes out to you

Reply
LovedandLost

I’m in the same position. After I forgave so many lies, discards and emotional abuse, it was the alcoholic who ended our relationship. It’s been 2 1/2 weeks and I’m still crushed.
This article helped so much, because I’ve been focusing my mental energy on what I can do to help him, but the article helps me see that the best thing I can do is stay away.
I haven’t contacted him, but I think about him constantly. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, obsessively search for an article or video that shows me how to heal this.
The agonizing truth is- he chose dishonesty and alcohol over my love. This isn’t the man I fell for 5 years ago. He was kind, loving, open and strong. Now, he’s weak and cruel. It really is as though he’s gone and nothing will ever bring him back.
I’m counting on time, and therapy, to heal myself now. I can’t go back to that hell, even though this new reality feels so lonely and desperate.
A lot of people find the strength to leave an addict and I’m in awe of you! I wasn’t one of those, but his decision to leave me will hopefully save us both. This article really gives me the strength to rebuild myself, and allow the addict to meet his own consequences.
Like everyone has said, it’s horribly painful. We’ll grow so much from the pain, though, and that’s something our addicted loved ones will never do until they decide to feel again.
Wishing everyone peace in this lonely journey.

Reply

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