Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

When Someone You Love Has Depression

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When Someone You Love Has Depression.

Depression builds walls around people and between people. When someone you love has been dragged inside those walls, there can be a distance between you both that feels relentless. You miss them, but they’re right there beside you, except that they’re kind of not. Not in the way you both want to be anyway.

The symptoms of depression exist on a spectrum. All of them are normal human experiences, but in depression they’re intensified. Not everyone who has depression will have a formal diagnosis, so knowing what to watch out for can help to make sense of the changes you might notice.

Depression looks like a withdrawal. It feels that way too. It’s a withdrawal from everything that is enriching and life-giving. Depression sucks the life out of life. That’s how it feels. When depression bites, everything becomes hard. Life starts to hurt. Those who are bitten stop looking forward to things. They stop engaging and they stop enjoying things, even the things they used to love. They can feel hard to reach, and sometimes they can be angry or appear as though they don’t care. That isn’t because they want to withdraw from you or push you away, they don’t, although it can feel that way. 

Here are some ways to fight for them, beside them and for the times the fight has to be theirs, behind them:

  1. Depression is never a choice.

    If people with depression could be happy, they would be. Depression leaves people feeling as though they’ve been scooped out with a spoon. It’s a hijacking of everything that feels good. The hopelessness, emptiness and loneliness is relentless. If they knew how to be any other way, they would be. 

  2. It’s okay to feel frustrated or angry.

    The helplessness of loving someone with depression can be frustrating, exhausting and lonely. It’s okay to feel angry at times, or as though you want to throw your hands in the air and walk away. You’re human and when you love someone with depression, there will be times that you’ll be in the arena too, fighting the battle. Remember that you’re fighting a common enemy and it’s depression, not the person beside you. Try to see through the symptoms to the person you know, because they’re in there.

  3. Depression is a withdrawal, but not from you.

    When you love someone with depression it can feel as though you’ve lost them for a while. The person you’ve always known and loved is still there, but they’ve withdrawn into themselves, away from the pain and hopelessness of it all, not away from you. It just feels like the safest place to be, but it doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t have you right there with them if they knew how to do that.

  4. You’re grieving too.

    Depression steals people. If the depression has been around for long enough, you might feel a sense of grief. If you need to get angry, sad, or fall to your knees some days, that’s okay. You’re fighting a battle too. It’s okay to pull back to recharge now and then. Be kind to yourself and do something that replenishes you. Reach out to someone, but don’t lean on the person with depression. People with depression already see themselves as a burden, and anything that inflames that might cause them to withdraw even more.

  5. When nothing is as powerful as something.

    People with depression won’t always have the words and will feel the burden of being with you when they don’t know what to say or do. Let them know that you love that version of them too – the one that has nothing to say, or plenty to say but no will to say it. Let them know that you’re there for them even if they don’t want to talk. Silence with someone can be lovely when you’re depleted. ‘You don’t have to be anyone different to who you are. You don’t need to change or pretend or put on a happy face. I love you and I’m here for you.’

  6. People with depression are strong.

    People with depression are some of the strongest people I’ve met. They have to be. The pain and hopelessness of depression is immense and to keep existing day after day under the weight of that takes an almighty fight, fuelled by almighty strength and courage. 

  7. What they’re doing makes sense.

    We all have needs we can’t give up. They’re the big ones and they’re an inescapable part of being human – love, validation, respect, visibility, safety, influence, connection, appreciation, purpose. You know the ones. When one of these needs isn’t met, the temptation can be to push it down – to ‘depress’ it – to where it’s out of awareness and can’t cause trouble. But of course, any symptom whether physical or emotional will always cause trouble when it’s ignored. It takes the strength of a warrior to keep pushing things down, and getting on with life. Eventually, when people have been strong for too long the armour will crack. Depression hurts, but it makes sense. It’s a creative, adaptive withdrawal from a world that feels painful to be in.

  8. Being positive probably won’t work.

    Reframing things positively is generally done with loving intent, but most likely it just won’t work. The messages that are sent with love will likely be received as ‘nobody understands’. For someone who is being caned by depression, there is no positive. Research has found that people who are already unhappy don’t want to be talked into the glossy view of life, they just want understanding. The view of reality is shaped by a lifetime of experience and sometimes, the way people see the world is exactly the way the world is for them. Trying to push against this can work against what you’re trying to do and intensify the loneliness and desperation of it all. Reframing things in a positive way is important, but it can’t be forced.

  9. So if positive is out, what then?

    You don’t have to fix anything or change anything. If there was a way to do that, they would have done it themselves by now. Instead, acknowledge their pain, ‘I know this is really hard for you,’ and validate what they’re going through ‘I know you’re hurting. That’s understandable given what you’re going through’, or ‘I know you’re fighting a tough battle right now.’ Be the one who can be with them without having to change them. This will probably explode your own feelings of helplessness, but reworking things towards a positive angle will ease your helplessness, not theirs. That helplessness you’re feeling is the bit you’re doing together. So is the pain and the confusion of that. That’s what makes your love unconditional and your support something extraordinary.

  10. Try not to let the negative talk go on and on and on and on and …

    It’s really important to hear people from where they are, but if the discussion of a negative thought goes on and on and on and starts to feel circular, it’s not good for anyone. It’s called rumination and it can make it harder to move through depression. Talk about it with them for sure, but try to persuade the conversation in a different direction after a while if you can.

  11. If you’re struggling for words, let those be the words.

    There’s no need to gloss it up. The truth is that it’s hard to know what to say because there’s nothing that can take away the pain. Don’t worry about saying the ‘right’ thing, there is no right thing. Instead say the ‘real’ thing with love and an open heart. Share what you’re feeling, because chances are that they’re feeling it too. Common ground will shrink the distance between you. You might not be depressed, but chances are you’ll be feeling a lot of the things they’re feeling – sadness, confusion, frustration, helplessness, and the greatest wish that you knew how to make it better. ‘I wish that you weren’t in so much pain and I wish I knew how to soften things for you, but I don’t know how to do that. What I will do is be here for you for as long as it takes.’

  12. Ask them what you do that doesn’t help. And listen.

    Depression can be different for everyone. You can’t be expected to know how to respond. Ask what they need from you and whether there’s something they need you to do differently. Be open to the response and don’t take it personally.

  13. Don’t ask them what they’re depressed about.

    When people are sad they generally have an idea of why. Depression doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes people will be aware of what has triggered their depression, but sometimes it won’t be obvious. On paper, people with depression can look as though they have everything to be happy about – they can even believe that themselves – but depression doesn’t play by any rules.

  1. Try to initiate the things they used to love, that depression has stolen.

    At a time when people need connection the most, depression forces distance. Do everything you can not to let it. Connection and positive feelings strengthen the brain against depression, and exercise can cause the same changes in the brain as antidepressants. The problem is that the very nature of depression will hold people back from doing any of these. Don’t wait for them to feel like doing things. They won’t. Their depression won’t let them. Depression is there to nurture withdrawal, remember. It does this by stealing motivation, and creating exhaustion. Be tender, gentle and loving and reintroduce them to life, connection, and positive feelings. You’re likely to get resistance, and a lot of it. Know that this isn’t personal and do what you can do anyway.

  2. Another reason to initiate.

    Thoughts, feelings and behaviours are intimately connected. They tend to follow each other, so someone with depression will think depressed thoughts (‘Nothing makes a difference’; ‘I’m useless’), feel depressed feelings (pain, hopelessness, exhaustion) and this will drive depressed behaviour (withdrawal and a depressed mood). A change in one will eventually lead to the other but the change is unlikely come from the person with depression. Out of the three, thoughts and feelings are the toughest to change. They’re tenacious. This is why things like, ‘get over it’ or ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘just try to be a bit positive, hey?’ won’t work. The best way is through their behavior, but you’ll have to be stronger than their depression. Initiate walks, dinners, holidays – anything that has the potential to create positive feelings. Take their hand and lead them there gently.

  3. They are not broken.

    There is nothing abnormal about the symptoms of depression. They’re a very normal part of human experience, but with an intensity that’s relentless. We’ve all felt sad, disconnected, the need to withdraw, hopeless, helpless, exhausted, and as though the fun has faded for a while These are all common experiences, even if only fleetingly at times and from the kinder end of the spectrum. What makes these very human experiences lead to a diagnosis of depression is a question of degree. People with depression experience the same we all experience, but at a different intensity, duration, or cluster of symptoms. 

Depression rarely takes hold of just one person. When depression settles into someone, helplessness, fear and sadness bleed through the walls it builds around that person and into the lives of those who love them. It’s exhausting for everyone. There is always a way through depression but it takes an almighty fight. You won’t always have it in you to fight alongside them and you won’t always know what to do but that’s okay – you don’t have to do any of that to fight for them. Few things are as powerful as human connection and anything you can do to nurture that will help to put back what depression strips away.

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259 Comments

Lee

Jasmin,
Congratulations on your recovery process. It’s a big deal. I wish I could promise your love will protect your sister! But what you can do is show her that it can be beaten and live that example… especially being so familiar with the mind trap!
Chris G, I’m sorry that your former significant other felt you smothered her during her depression but please do not be too hard on yourself as though your desire to be a loving and supportive partner ruined things. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. It’s possible that you and she simply were not compatible– since your ways of handling crisis did not align. When people are suffering they feel such a strong desire to isolate and a lot of shame we can’t understand or even alleviate with our affection and love for them. They need that love but it’s also something they push away because they do not feel they deserve it. They do! But if they do not choose to believe you and in your relationship they simply were not the person who could weather life with you.
Stephanie,
the guilt you mention is something I dealt with, in my ex relationship and I wish I had a failsafe suggestion for how to counteract that belief they feel that they are putting you through hell or ruining your life. My advice would just be to tell him “I am exactly where I want to be.”
Good luck all!

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Zoe-girl

Thank you all for making me feel so not alone. I am just “fast forward” coming to the realization that my bf of 11 years is suffering from undiagnosed (I fear) depression. I’m trying to learn how to help in a supportive and considerate manner. He and I shared some scary and mean comments that neither of us meant over the weekend (our anniversary). He has asked for space – a break – says the more I try the further he gets pushed away. Wants me in his life, but does not know if I’ll ever have my “Happy guy” back. It’s been the last 3 months that I’ve opened my eyes and accepted what I feared most. I realize I’ve been seeing this for the last 3 years. Says he does not love me, but loves me. I’m so lost. It’s eating me away inside. He said he needs to fix “what’s going on inside him”, so maybe there’s hope. I’ve lost my best friend…..thanks for listening. Xo

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Bob

Hi, thank you for this . I learned a lot . Now I can help my wife . She has been depressed . But I did her wrong for so many years and she was always there for me through my problems . Now she has been depressed for a while and she always brings bad memories when she is depressed and it’s only with me when she gets mad and irritable. She’s not herself with the kids when she’s depressed but she’s still that living mother with them. I’m the one that gets it all. Can I be the one that caused her depression?

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Lisa

I have been dealing with a spouse with depression for a vey long time. About a year ago he did agree to see a therapist but infortunately it was not a good one and he refuses to go again. Then I was able to get him to agree to an antidepressant. He was on for a while and took himself off. I agree wasn’t right dose but he says I don’t need at all. Ok fast forward a couple months bad relationship with father that was source of depression, father dies suddenly. Some of his family reacted in a way that was greedy all about money, he lost it. He is now in a very bad depression and is angry at everyone. He said he is the only one truly grieving. I am trying to support him but it has been a very stressful week of anger and fighting and now I am truly exhausted, he actually seemed a little better, not really eating or sleeping but anger was better. I work full time and I basically said to him you need to stop and sorry I did say get over it.i meant not grieve past him but anger over family. He snapped and now I feel like we just went back to square one. I am seeing a therapist tomorrow but I am scared that I just put him back. He says I have the problem not him. I really appreciate your hold like some advice as to how other people have handled this?

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Chloe

I can’t express how much reading your stories has helped ease the worry and anxiety I’m feeling atm.
My BF of 1year has been suffering with depression on and off throughout his life my first experience of this with him started in September When he slipped into depression triggered by work related issues, for months I have supported him and loved him in every way possible and even got him to visit his Gp in October who prescribed medication..since then I’ve come to find the more Ive tried to help and nurture him the more he pulls away, he has good days and bad days sometimes weeks.. and although he finds it hard to be loving has told me on numerous occasions “I know I haven’t shown it lately, but I do love you very much.
I thought he had hit rock bottom on New Year’s Day when he was really down, but persuaded him to go to his parents and speak to them, they came to the conclusion that he should move home for a while which I fully supported ( he was living with friends.)
This gave him some encouragement and he told me how grateful he was for all my support and tho he hadn’t shown it lately he does love my very much.
Just two weeks later.. he then tells me..he thinks we need a break..that he’s not sure how he feels about everything in his life including me… he needs time alone to figure stuff out and get better…hes said he wasn’t breaking up or giving up on me but cant feel anything about anything… he seemed so lost and confused and in turn so am I.
I respect the space he has asked for and know I need to trust and hope he come to me when he is ready..
But what can do to help him during this time And to build the love and connection between us???

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wowsa

my fiance and I have been together for 2 years now. when we met she just lost her father and 4 months later she lost her mother, she now has no family here in canada.
she is undiagnosed but its clear that she has walking depression.
i feel like she is so angry with me, very often and she shows very little love.. i know she tries but its like she can not break the wall she has around herself and give me love or any kind of appreciation/confirmation.
i want to be with her, but im afraid that this pulls me down so i get very low and start to have depression myself. and i dont want to be pulled to that state, cause then we are both screwed.
its all so much negative energy and i try my best to keep myself positive inside, but its like she makes everything around her negative and sour..
i find my self in a hard position and dont know how to move forward.

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k

So i find myself keep coming back to this website and the comments. As much as it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone in having a significant other with depression I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. My story is so similar to half these posts. Almost two years with my bf. He has ups and downs but always comes back. Lately its gotten worse and more time apart than normal. Nothing makes him happy, wants to solve on his own-needing a break. Breaks my heart. These posts have helped me try not to push too hard. But that is hard in itself bc i know that connection is the only thing that will bring him out. Friends and family dont really know. If they did not sure if they would make it worse by saying the positives etc. I ordered the depression fallout like people have suggested. I also figured I would tell you what I’m reading now that is helping me better understand and hopefully him at some point. Mindful way through depression : Freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness. It explains it in a way that’s relatable and easy to understand not like alot of self help books can be drol and hard to get through. It’s rough bc u can’t push too hard but u can’t back off too much bc it’ll get worse. I dont know where i fit in if i am pushing too much or not. I second guess everything i want to say or start to text. First couple days i tried to call, no answer. Responding to half my texts, short couple words but he’s there. It’s been half a week and a week since we’ve really spent any time together. Hes still not up to talking and im not sure if i should offer meeting up just to watch tv or movie where he doesn’t have to talk. I dont want to try too soon but how can i sit back knowing the longer he confines himself the worse its going to get. My heart goes out to everyone on here, especially the husbands/wives who have already built full lives with kids. I can’t even imagine. But for anyone who needs something try the book. Looking up depression and ways to help is the only thing not keeping me manic right now. It’s all i can do, all we can do to keep ourselves semi ok while we try to figure this out. Cognitive thinking seems like an alternative to medication and maybe will give a sense of solving the problem on their own. I look forward to anyone who has updates in their situation. Good luck to you all in the meantime and know this will make is stronger in the long run.

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CC

Hi everyone,
Found this site while trying to figure out what to do in my situation that is pretty much like a lot of yours. My boyfriend of 7.5 years has stared going to a therapist (which I’m glad about) but after seeing this therapist he told me he needed space to find “his own happy”. I’ve been giving him space, going on week three. I can thruthfully say that these have been some of the worst weeks of my life. I almost feel like I’m becomjng depressed too. I can’t eat I can’t sleep and I’m crying all the time. We live together but I’ve been couch surfing at family and friends houses. It’s so hard cause I miss him and just want to be there for him but he keeps telling me that’s not what he wants right now. It hurts so much that after 7.5 years I’m reduced to barely any communication. I’m glad I’m not alone but I’m sorry for anyone feeling this way. I just want things to get better and I’m scared and fear that the worst will happen and we will eventually breakup. I’m not sure if I could handle it. I really want to try that book,K.
Thanks to whoever will listen.

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DP

Hi,
This story is so similar to mine. I’ve been with my girlfriend nearly four years and she’s had depression once before. At that time she couldn’t let me out of her sight as she needed constant comfort and attention and was actively trying to kill herself, several attempts were made. After medication she stabilised and although over the four year period she’s had dips, the depression this time is different. She says she loves me but feels nothing and it’s breaking her heart. She now wants to be out of the house as much as possible so on an evening will regularly go over to a friends instead. It’s absolutely crushing when you hear from someone you love so much that they feel nothing for you. She says she needs to be able to love herself again before she can love me and that she needs time and space. This is obviously what I need to give her but it’s so hard when you just want to comfort and console that person and be there for them. With regards to myself, I’ve never felt this low in my life, I am also unable to eat or sleep and it is absolutely draining. Having to go to work with all of this on your mind is unbearable. I want to give her all the space she needs but I’m scared I’ll end up losing her no matter what. So painful.

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MS

So sorry to hear you are going through this. May I make a suggestion? Try to detach as much as you can, finding strength within and not through outside corcumstances. She will be there if she is supposed to be. Focus on being good to yourself, the rest will fall into place.

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k

Cc, i’m so sorry. Worst weeks of mine too. 3 weeks just about too. Not eating too much either and i know I’m sinking. I went to a therapist, only once so far. I know i have to find my own strength and my happiness can’t depend on a relationship but this is hard. He’s now at the point where he says he doesn’t care about anyone or anything anymore. I’ve seen him 2x supposed to see him tomorrow. Idk tho. I know he loves and misses me but he struggles with saying it much less believing it lately. I feel like I’m losing him. And every bad day he has at work pulls him further down. I know what we have is real but he isn’t able to see that right now so I’m helpless. I do nothing and he gets worse. I push and I get pushed away more. It’s the worst feeling.

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Megan

Cc
Over a year ago I was in your shoes. My boyfriend of seven years basically said the same thing. I know the struggles of being in the cold and not knowing where to go. My family and friends said get over it but I couldn’t. What help me out was first seeing a therapist. While also doing my research on depression. Now I can not say that you boyfriend is like mine but he needs his space to figure himself out. During this time do stuff for yourself. I can say you will get back on your feet. Don’t let his depression bring you down as well. If you would like a happy boat and that there might be a chance once he gets better, after a year and eleven days of our break my boyfriend texted me out of the blue wanting me to come home. Trust that love will see you though. Be strong it will get better. Prayers for you.

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karen

This is so very nice to hear. Cc. I am so happy for you It broke my heart to know that you were counting the days. I too am going through this awful illness with my husband 11 years. though he is working, the absence of the phone calls and checking in is just killing me. He is England and I am in the US and we were just about ready to move to England i’ve sold my house and have made all my financial plans in an effort for this dream, only to be hit with a third bout of depression in his life. he wants space and even forgot my birthday. his family doesn’t know so I have no one to share it with or even have someone look in him. my days are filled with tears and the happiest of memories, i never saw this coming. he has started taking medication in November and sometimes there is a glimmer of hope. I hope our story ends well and much like yours. be happy and enjoy each other, you must be the happiest woman in the world !

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Cloluce88

My darling, I am in a similar position to you right now, my boyfriend 6 weeks ago said he needed a break, it’s so hard being in limbo, I haven’t spoken to him in 3 weeks as he’s gone away for a month to do a ski job and said he will speak to me when he gets back. I feel like I spent the first 5 weeks obsessively overthinking everything.. my thoughts were consumed by the pain and dreaded thoughts of loosing him and like yourself I’ve had trouble eating and sleeping…
But last week after hitting what I felt was rock bottom.. I made the decision that I cannot live like that… it’s important that we use this time apart to reconnect with ourselves.. to find happiness outside our relationship.. the more we do that I think the stronger and more able we are to cope with the mental strain of it all, and that’s so important to us and our partners. It’s not easy .. but what else am I gna do! Carry on waiting around phone in hand…for him to get in contact? Running through every possible scenario!?? It’s not healthy! Don’t forget we have a life too.
I feel a bet better that it seems to be a fairly common occurrence.. that I am not alone.. this of course doesn’t change the situation.. but I don’t feel so alone anymore… and it’s given me more hope x

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Vicki

I have been researching depression for the past few weeks, while my boyfriend suffers from a distance. Despite everything in our relationship being great, I could feel him pulling away, until eventually, he admitted to struggling with doubts, both about staying and leaving. It made no sense, because nothing had gone wrong, and just a couple weeks before he said I was everything he ever wanted. I noticed the fatigue and a feeling of something being “off” about 10 days before the day he says he felt triggered by doubt, and I believe these doubts are a progression of the illness. It is what’s keeping his mind looping. I was first struck with fear, but as time has gone on, I can clearly see this isn’t my guy, and the battle we’re both fighting is his depression. It’s articles like these that have helped me understand. He welcomes my text messages and admits when he’s having a rough day, but refuses my help, saying he wants to do this on his own. I am so grateful for this article for not only helping me understand him, but for validating what I’m going through as well. “That helplessness your feeling is the bit you’re doing together. So is the pain and confusion of that. That’s what makes your love unconditional and your support something extraordinary.” … These words have helped me more than you can know. Thank you.

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k

Anyone else have any updates on their situations? Hopefully positive ones.. Need a happy boat. There’s some days it feels unbearable but i know he’s still in there. 5 weeks now and he’s sinking deeper and more angry lately with less contact. How can you attempt to change behavior when you continuously get pushed back? I keep trying to initiate unbeknownst to him why. I feel like he’s almost accepted this is how he feels and it’s so real to him nothing else matters. How do we fight for them when they are giving up wanting anything positive?

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Claire

Hi sadly my world has gone from bad to worse. I have now discovered that he is in a terrible amount of debt and won’t let me in. Won’t let me support him won’t talk about it says that it’s his mess and he will sort it. Not only shut out emotionally because of depression but now my help is not required to ease the burden of a side effect of depression. Each day I’m getting closer and closer to the door. My heart and head matter too

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CB

Hi,

I’ve been following this thread now for some time as my other half seemingly changed overnight back in Aug 2016.

If you look back over the post my original comment is in there as to how things were.

Now here we are in March 2018 our relationship had arrived at critical mass. My stress and fustration with the change that had occured in my partner was becoming overbearing. She wasn’t acknowledging that she had changed and also began blaming me IF any change had taken place.

I’d ended the relationship only for us both to realise we were being foolish.

As of today; my partner is now booked in for counselling next week. We’ve tried relationship counselling but WE weren’t the problem so it wasn’t working.

There has suddenly been an epiphany on her part, it came at the 11th hour and I suspect my ending the relationship was a shock and maybe the proverbial kick up the backside.

I had run out of steam; I love the girl dearly but I couldn’t cope anymore so had to respect myself.

So here we are, I’m wondering now if like before it’s all talk on her part and nothing will change; but I’ve got to give her the benefit of the doubt and owe her that.

I do keep an eye on this post and will dip in again mid year to update you all.

You can’t beat yourself up if your patience runs out. You can’t change someone if they don’t want/aren’t ready to change.

The more you push them, out of sheer frustration and upset will only push them further away. Like a child you are telling not to do something, they do it more. But your frustration cannot be discounted, you are equally as important in the relationship.

Look after yourself and take time to switch off from it all or else it will drive you into depression/anxiety – trust me, I’ve been there.

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L

Hello there, I found this board after many desperate Google searches on what to do when your relationship is being hurt by suspected depression. Like many of you, I have been stuck “in-between”. How much do you offer support? How much do you take a step back? What do those things actually mean?
A bit of context with my story: I have been with the love of my life for almost 3 years. In some ways we are opposites, in other ways we are like the same person. There really isn’t a sufficient way to describe in text how I feel about him, and how he has felt about me. Unfortunately, about a year and a half ago, he started to withdraw a bit from me. I took it very personally in the beginning, thinking something was wrong with our connection and questioning if we were right for each other. After one visit to a couples counselor, he said he did not want to go as a couple and felt it was his issue, that something was wrong with him and that it was not me. He also shared for the first time that he thought it may be depression. I encouraged him for the next 6 months to make an appointment on his own and to also see his primary care doctor. As typical with depression (though I did not understand this at the time) he lacked motivation to take these steps and nothing came of it. He had started to gain weight quite rapidly, and no longer wanted to go out as we used to. I tried a different approach, and encouraged him to talk to family members if he could not talk to me or a therapist about it. Acknowledging that you may not be the person he wants to talk to is hard, but necessary. Sometimes it can’t always be you, because they feel guilt for already not being the person you deserve. I believe he spoke to his brothers whom he is very close to, but I don’t think he shared the true extent of it with them. I want to point out that because depression is cyclical, there were lovely happy moments scattered in the midst of all this. These moments gave me hope that the problem was being resolved, though it wasn’t and isn’t that easy. We had discussed moving in together and marriage, but it never went anywhere. He would withdrawal and I took this very personally. I took this to mean that perhaps it is me, or that I wasn’t the woman he wanted to commit to. I had no idea what depression really was and did not understand that this is typical. Depression makes you question your true feelings about many different aspects of your life. When he would withdrawal, I knew something was wrong but he couldn’t explain what it was. He knew he loved me, but could not understand why he felt so unhappy in our relationship. Recently, he began showing signs of withdrawal again. I became very frustrated, worried, and sad with his actions. We had a conversation (though a conversation with a depressed partner can feel very one-sided), and I asked what was going on with him. He struggled to find a way to explain what he was feeling. He knew he had been avoiding contact, and he felt so guilty for that. He stated that things just didn’t feel right. I begged him to talk to a professional, and stated I could not help him unless he wanted to be helped. He decided he could not figure this out while in a relationship and we tearfully broke up. I don’t believe it was something either of us truly wanted to do, though without the break things would have most likely continued the same pattern. On my end, the break has lit a fire under me. I have begun to research and educate myself on the beast that is depression. Depression takes on many different faces, and there is not a “one size fits all” approach to helping someone through it. For us, we continue contact and continue to love each other, but the future is unclear. He has not yet reached the point of surrending that he cannot do this on his own. I do my best to find the right words of encouragement for him to seek professional help, but it is ultimately a decision he has to make. In terms of helpful research, The Storied Mind and Esperanza blogs have aided me most. There are many articles on how to support a loved one who is dealing with depression. Thank you for being kind listeners.
-L

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Ms

So many stories and mine started a month ago … Until I confronted them to stop putting them back. I honestly have lost sense and trying to analyze the best way and here it has helped a lot because my boyfriend is in the beginning of a depression. It is very hard to be on the side but I have tried in many ways to help and I can only give the space you need. The doubt is after three years of relationship will not this space be lost? Thanks for the testimonials you feel that I’m not alone.

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SPants

My boyfriend has pushed me out, doesn’t want to see me or hear from me. It happened overnight. He has struggled with major depression for 20+ years (42 now) and has been to a lot of counseling & is on meds but with no insurance and him feeling good he went of the meds 1 1/2 months ago.

Of course it caught up to him and I encouraged him to start the meds again which he did and was telling me the outlets he needs to do to help himself etc. Everything seemed fine and he woke up one day a different person.

The way he talked and walked was different, the best man I’ve ever met turned mean and said hes done trying, it’s too much. He said it always comes back, I tried to be encouraging saying he is not alone and is worth it, WE are worth it, etc but he shuts me down with every comment & now refuses to respond or see me.

What do I do? If he eventually gets better will he want a relationship again? We both knew we had a love that is only talked about in movies, Im heartbroken…

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k

He’s decided he’s moving back with his parents a few hours away, planning on putting his two weeks in at the end of the week. I know this will potentially help him and maybe it’ll alleviate some of the anxiety of not knowing if today, tomorrow etc will be the day ill see him since he won’t even be here to see. I told him ill visit and he was open to that so maybe this is the start of his recovery. Just heartbreaking knowing they’re in so much pain and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Fighting for someone who doesn’t think they’re worth it. Forgetting the happiness in moments and only seeing what i can’t give. Im hoping we can each find some peace bettering ourselves and come out of this stronger as a couple. Knowing this is going to be a hard road to travel doesn’t help me prepare for it any better. I know i will survive this and nothing worth having is ever easy but is it really too much to ask to want to come out whole.. Letting go of something so real isn’t an option so its only onward through the trenches trying to wade through the mud and remembering to breathe along the way. You guys are not alone even though it feels like that. They are in there buried deep so keep hoping and supporting and doing the best you can do to survive each day for as long as you can. In the meantime you have to get out the house and make an effort to do something. When they come back you cant be as depressed as they were. Smallest thing doesn’t matter. Errands you put off or even if its just a drive to a further grocery or gas. I was told to make a list of everything i ever wanted or needed to do. And talk to someone, anyone. I found a coworker who dealt with his own severe depression and it helps knowing I’m doing everything i can. I just hope its enough to make a difference in the long run. That sticking it out believing they can overcome will bring them back.

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B

This sounds like my now ex girlfriend. She has been in some very verbally abusive relationships. But I know something else has cause her depression. Maybe seasonal affective disorder, SAD. She dumped me, I tried so hard, I even gave her space. But I know she loves me. She even told me and was talking about moving in. Then a cpuole weeks later, lashed out. She was so emotional and crying her eyes out when she ended it, like she didn’t know why she was doing it or pushing away. I tried to reach out once, and she didn’t respond. We havent talked in 2 months. I miss her a lot. I want her back and i love her. But not sure what to do? I don’t want to push her away more. I want to be there for her, but i dont want to push her away? Any suggestions?

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k

B
I’m sorry. Seems youve done better at giving space than alot of us. I think you should be able to reach out and tell her u still love and miss her. That you hope she is doing ok and you would like to talk to her sometimes. Maybe you just start out with how are you? Idk. It’s the balance of giving support but them feeling like a burden. They know the pain they are causing us but can’t help it so its easier to distance themselves. They don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, they may not even believe it exists. This feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. It’s not just a relationship failed. It’s depression stealing them. I don’t know your full story but I hope she isn’t alone and she has someone to talk to. Family seems to be the less pressured people over friends or significant others. Just try not to get mad at her, she’s not doing this on purpose. She just doesn’t know what else to do. Like Vicki said above those lines help me too. All you can do is educate yourself and try to move forward. I have hope but it’s a daily battle with anxiety and fear of the future. Hard to live in the present when your world seems to fall away and you don’t know what or if there’s anything more u could be doing to make it better or even if you’re making it worse. Just stay true to yourself and try not to put on too much pressure but if you still have hope dont give up and fight for it as long as you can. Try to keep some contact bc as much as they feel like a burden they should know they are still cared about even at their lowest points.

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Chris G

Well said. I could have used this advice when I was dealing with my own relationship. Instead of giving her space I kept pushing the issue until I eventually pushed her away. For good maybe but I pray I’m wrong about that.

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k

Chris g
Are u still blocked? Any contact with her in the last 9 months?
Maybe you could write her a letter? Reread and rewrite over and over to get correct but at this point i feel you still need closure one way or another. Is the person still there that loves us so much, are they still struggling or are they happier now and have moved on? It’s limbo. I know my bf is still in there and i would wait a year for him to re find himself. His issue is more financial security and purpose. With yours idk if something terrible happened at school and unless she said it you can only guess. I wouldn’t put that in the letter tho. Just positivity and warm thoughts. Maybe mention things you used to enjoy together or anything meaningful. It’ll either bring back and remind her of some happiness she once had or maybe you won’t get a reply. At the end of the day you need to know you did everything you could when that time comes. But if you’ve had no contact with her for months at a time then why not reach out. You can apologise for pushing and tell her you forgive her etc. She may need to hear it. Idk. I really hope she finds her way back to you tho. I feel like all of us need some happy endings.

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Chris G

I’ve spoken with her over social media. That’s about it. I’m still hopeful that one day maybe we find our way back to each other. But for now I think it’s better to just let her do own thing and I do mines tbh. When we spoke it was good and all but I don’t wanna force anything. That was a couple weeks ago. I’ll always love and care for that girl and knows that much. Idk it’s kinda of a weird situation but as much as I wanna be with her I can’t sit and wait forever. Im working on bettering myself atm so when the time comes where we may get back together I’ll be ready. I don’t think I was ready for her back when we were together, I see that now. I’ve learned a lot about myself since we’ve been separated. And as far as what may have happened to her, I still don’t know and I’m not going to ask either, if she decides to tell me it’ll be of her own accord. But I hope you situation turns out better for you.

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k

So he just left to move. I guess i feel a mixture of sadness that he’s really gone and relief that this could be what he needs to feel better. The last couple weeks have been better than the prior month and half. Saw and spoke to him more frequently, not close to the old normal but there are moments when it feels like it is. He still feels nothing and is afraid of being happy in moments bc he knows it won’t last. I finally told him the worst part was him not being able to even tell me he loves me. Since then I’ve heard it a few times but i try not to say it too much either. For everyone struggling with this i can only say dont give up easy. Depression is the same but it’s also different. For those moments that seem so normal just let it be and don’t push too much. They have to come back in their own time. If he wasn’t moving im sure the time we’ve spent the last couple weeks would have been much less frequent. But when you get any time keep it positive, try to laugh, bring up memories that make you two you. Not too much but just enough to have them remember what happy felt like. Behavior and human connection can change thoughts and feelings but what a battle it is to get that time. Just don’t give up unless your actually ready to walk away. But know it will be a long fight that you will feel mostly alone confused and frustrated. That’s how they feel too. Remember its not you and this isn’t their choice to pull away, it’s just feels like the only option. Be strong and hold onto hope. I wish the best for anyone who’s going through this.

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P

My ex boyfriend is struggling with depression. A few days ago he lost his job. He was having financial issues before the job loss.

He decided that we should just be friends because he isn’t meeting my needs emotionally and he can’t do the same things (surprising me with gifts, going on trips, etc) that he used to do. He knows I’m not at all materialistic but he feels he can’t be there for me like he once was.

I noticed the beginning of the depression in December. It’s just gotten worse and he seems so far away. I can honestly remember saying “i miss You” when he was sitting right beside me on the couch.

Now that he just wants to be friends, i honestly don’t know how. I want to be there and support him. It’s heartbreaking to watch him sink into depression. He can’t visit the dr or therapist as he has no insurance.

How can I be there to support him and keep the friendship boundary—and not break my own heart?

I hope this doesn’t sound completely selfish. I just Don’t know what to do. I feel incredibly alone. I’m hurting because he’s hurting.

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Kristen

It is always so comforting to know that you are not going through a situation alone and that there are many others who are experiencing the same pain.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and he has always struggled with depression but over the past two years it has been exasperated. My boyfriend had a traumatic upbringing- father was in jail for the first 7 years of his life leaving his mother scraping by to raise 4 children under the age of 5. Father gets out of jail and life completely takes a 180. Father ingrains fighting into his sons and that they should stop at nothing to defend themselves and their family. His father encouraged violent behavior and struggling for the approval from his father my boyfriend fought his way through his teen years ending up in and out of DYS and jail from the age of 12-21. Fast forward to 20 and his brother comes home one night extremely beat up and needing to be hospitalized. My boyfriend under the guidance of his father proceeded to hit his brother’s assailant in the face with a bat sending him to jail for 2 years…
Fast forward to 25 and we meet each other- both coming out of 5-7 year relationships with our first loves. Ofcourse I had the I can fix this mentality and here I am 5 years later still fighting an uphill battle.

Over the past year my boyfriend had a seizure, lost his job, we lost our apartment due to raised rent and a psycho landlord who tried throwing herself in front of my car so she could sue me, had to move home with our parents (who live 2 hours away from eachother), and separate our animals from him.

We have since recovered and are back together but the depression he is experiencing is at an all time high and unfortunately I come across as selfish and needy to him because I am not getting the support and love from the relationship that I need. I can’t explain how confusing it is to come home one day from work and he’s excited, happy, loving and affectionate to the next week he barely wants to look me in the face, doesn’t speak and won’t even touch me. And it is exhausting. I do everything I can to try to make him happy but instead he views it as needy and controlling.
I feel like my emotional needs have always been on the back burner.

I love him so much but I am exhausted. He doesn’t seem to want to admit or acknowledge how exhausting and tiring it is to love someone with depression. Sending love and thoughts to all the other significant others dealing with the pain of loving someone with this disease

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Ellie

Hi all..I could do with some advice. My usually wonderful man Steve is suffering and a month ago had a stressful time at work, he then had a really nasty cyst on his man bits which got infected. He then started to get down, the infection will make him feel like that his gp said, but now he’s totally isolated himself from me.
He usually would txt when he’s feeling bad or talk to me, we haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks, usually we talk or txt at least twice a day.
He txt me on Thursday and said he needs to focus on himself for a while, I tried to call to find out what he needed from me, he wouldn’t answer.
I’m worried, he lives with his male flatmate and shuts himself away, i’m good at giving him space, but don’t know what to do.
I have a long history of really severe depression requiring hospital treatment, I haven’t had any episodes or felt down for 11 years, I also have a daughter sectioned who has an asd and borderline, also another daughter with depression, so I really know how it destroys..
He wants to lock himself away, won’t talk, nothing. We are meant to be away watching his football team but we cancelled.
I know i’ve been gentle with him and i never usually call him first, he’s usually a highly sexual man who wants to go 7 x in a night, his sex drive has gone.
He says this is nothing to do with me but then he doesnt want to see me, i don’t get that.
I love him, I don’t want to lose him and i’m scared I might. I told him it’s fine take whatever time you need as i’m conventrating on my ADI training and I didn’t want to lose him and to get in touch if he needed me, i’m worried staying in his room will make him worse.

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k

So its been 2 weeks since he moved back to his parents. The 2 weeks prior to that there was more communication and contact. Saw each other several times and even spent a couple nights together. It was almost normal when we were together. We had lengthy phone conversations and all of it gave me hope. He still struggled with telling me how he feels and at one point when I told him that was the hardest part of this he told me he does love me but needs to keep his emotions in check right now bc his mood isn’t going to last. He’s still says he feels nothing and compares himself to being in a whirlpool. As hard as it was to see him drive away in that uhaul I knew it could be good for him since he doesn’t think he’s able to survive here financially. He got a job within a few days after being up there and just completed his first week. Pay is a little better and seems to be making more hours and with no rent he should be able to save money to better stand on his own-which is the primary cause of his depression. But this last week I feel as if he’s pulling away again like he did in the beginning. He does respond to texts not always right away but regularly. We have talked, but the last week I feel as if it’s becoming harder to get him on the phone. I’m afraid of him sinking back all the way into the bottom of the pit he was in. I’m trying not to push too much but sometimes I feel as if I am. I probably made the mistake of telling him I felt taken for granted and that he’s not doing much to show how important to him I am. I know he’s doing the best he can and I just miss him to which I also told him. I hope I didn’t cause him to pull further.. It’s just so frustrating loving someone so deeply and they’re in so much emptiness they can’t feel it as they used to. I don’t want him to feel anymore guilt than he already does and I just wish he could see other happiness with what he does have instead of where he isn’t at in life. Personally I was doing ok for a bit when things started looking up but the last week has been rough. It’s not like I didn’t know it would prob get worse before it got better when he got up there. A big change and being out of the only life you know will have an impact. I’m not giving up and I just have to survive myself while he starts to find himself again. Our 2yr anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I’m hoping to be able to visit soon. I continue to wish my best and my love and support for everyone on here.

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Chris G

All i can say is give him his space. While that ma be very hard to do with whats going on, i think it might help. I wish someone had gave me that advice because i kept trying and trying to make my girl at the time spend time with me and i pushed her away. Maybe for good i think as i think she is involvled with someone else now. But resist the need to force t interactions with him, if he talks to yoou willingly the great but dont force him too cause id hate for your situation to end up like mines. i lost the love of my life it feels like. I know when out anniversary came around and also my bday cause it was a little after it, she didnt even mention it like it didnt matter. That hurt me so i think i said some hurtful things in the heat of the moment. Its a complicated process and what works for someone may not work for you or your partner because everyones depression is different. I can only offer advice that may or may not work from my experience but its no rule book to this depression shit and it can be extremely frusttrating loving some one who deals with it. Wish you the best on your situation tho.PS. i know i wrote alot but i still feel strongly about her and the situatuon even tho its been a year since ive seen her now.

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HopefullyLost

I was first diagnosed with depression right after the birth of my first child, which shocked me. I was the happiest I could ever remember feeling, at that point I tried therapy and medication, but it didn’t work so I stopped everything. Especially because this was how I was used to feeling, and actually usually worse. Things became worse over the years until I was so empty from feeling nothing, just that consuming hopeless emptiness inside. No one understood me, I felt so alone. Even with my kids around me. My kids came first though, nothing is ever coming in the way of that. Then I met someone, and it wasn’t something I was looking for. He made the emptiness just gone. We’ve talked a lot, and he has behaved like a lot of the people in these comments often pushing me away. I saw he had depression, just like me so I wasn’t giving up on him not when he somehow gave me hope for the first time in a long time. In the development of our relationship, we’ve both been diagnosed with walking depression. Weird because I just thought depression was like the commercials, incapacitating. Because I kept on keeping on I just thought my depression was mild. It’s not, everyone just deals with things in different ways. It’s not easy, but I think it’s because I need someone I care about to keep me going, and he’s the same way, we keep each other going. Why is it though that he only gets angry with me? I’ve asked myself this a lot, and looking at things I see he bottles everything up and acts fine around everyone, does everything he is required to do and functions. It’s with me that he is himself and let’s everything out. That tells me how close we are, that he can release his emotions with me. He doesn’t have to pretend. This is not easy to handle though, and it brings him guilt. He says he knows it’s wrong to get angry with me, he just can’t help it. He says he should be supportive of me all the time not trying to instigate conflict. I know it’s not ok, and I don’t take it personally, I can see his pain. Anyway, we really know how the other feels, great understanding since we are both diagnosed with the same thing, and our sense of responsibility to loved ones that has always kept us going now applies to each other. It’s become a very balanced give and take relationship full of understanding and support that I believe will eventually pull us both out of our lifelong walking depression. Just wanted people to know there is hope, I have hope for the first time, even though I don’t think it’s ever going to be completely easy, there will always be bad days, it’s just life. Just don’t give up. The ups will come to outweigh the downs.

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Thomas

Brilliant article. Seems all too familiar to me unfortunately. Glad someone has put this all down on paper. All that’s missing is a description of some of the feelings that come over a person with depression. It’s truly awful, but I keep on going. Thanks for your efforts.

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k

So its been a rollarcoaster of communication or lack there of. He stopped responding to me completely for almost two weeks. Before he left we talked about me coming up our anniversary weekend so i reminded him and still no response. The next day i let him know when i was planning on leaving etc to which he lashed out a response that he can’t do this anymore. The back and forth prompted an angry phone call to which he ended abruptly. His sisters birthday is also around the same time so she was going up that weekend. I basically told him he can respect me enough to say it to my face or call me later and have an honest calm conversation. He didn’t call. I didnt drive either, instead i messaged him that i respect his family time and bc he chose not to call there must be a part of him that doesn’t truly want that and i don’t accept some self loathing depression filled frustration and to call me Monday(anniv). Couple days later he texted apologizing for the way he spoke to me. He texted me Monday first thing and when i wasn’t fast enough to respond he called. 5 hrs later we hung up. Seems he had a breakdown at some point and his parents finally know full extent of his depression. Spoke/text a couple times during the week. Fast forward to Friday my dad passed… Yea.. Stage 4 colorectal. He was the first call I made on my way there after i was informed he was nonresponsive. He answered which we both knew he almost wouldn’t. Then he called back afterward and we talked for a few hrs. Texts and calls the beginning of the week. He started taking dopamine supplements and planning to see a neurologist after he gets insurance, thinks it has to do with his adhd medication he used to take when he was younger blocking his chemical levels. Thurs back to severe depression state. My distress was draining him of the little his pleasure centers put out. He asked about the service but never gave me a yes or no. He didn’t show up yesterday and not answering the couple times I’ve called. It all sucks. Went from him telling me he is there and I’m not alone to back to this. I dont know if i can really be mad at someone who is barely surviving. He will live with his choice and i know he will hate that he wasn’t there. It just hurts and I was barely holding on before and now losing my dad i need him more than ever but it’s too much to expect from him right now. My emotions are all mixed up between the two and hard to tell where one begins and the other ends. Long post i know but alot in the last month 🙁

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L

So sorry to read what you are going thru, but there is some comfort in knowing this is such a familiar road with depression. I too am on a rollercoaster, it is awful. They leave little breadcrumbs of hope, then they disappear in their darkness as if they never did. The communication is so sporadic. It becomes difficult to believe things will ever get better. My signicant other has been in treatment for almost two months now, though I see little change in his behavior. Still so withdrawn and silent. I truly do not know if I should make myself move on without him or continue to support without much in return to validate my efforts. I hope we both find some respite from the rollercoaster soon…

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k

L
I feel the same way. Thats exactly what it is bread crumbs of hope. I dont want to give up on him, i just feel so inadequate with his lack of care. And i know it’s the depression but how do u just drop 2yrs like it didn’t happen. We also had talked about moving in together last year but for his financial reasons it didnt happen. He actually just traded his 10yr old car in last Tues. I tried to call but he texted and he seemed happy about it. Figured he would be in a better mood still the next day and we did talk but he sounded so miserable and said he was filled with anxiety now. With a car being one of his huge financial goals i had hoped it was the beginning of some light. I texted him the next day a simple miss you and nothing. Not that i expected anything and it’s been almost a week now with no communication. This is the longest I’ve gone without reaching out and I’m hoping he will soon. I’m glad yours is in treatment it should help. I think that is one of the hardest parts and like Claire said they do have to make that choice on their own. But getting and keeping that willpower to try to change with no immediate reward is what keeps them in the pit of despair. Everything I’ve read says it’ll take a couple months before there’s some relief after starting treatment. All i can say is be as supportive as you can but try to do 1% for you every day too. And that is hard bc we get stuck too. I go through every day unhappy and nothing brings much joy. Everything just seems like a distraction to get through to the next day

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L

K-
I know this is difficult to do, but I had to take a firm stance on him getting treatment before I would continue support. I do believe this triggered him seeing a doctor finally. Separating and being firm on this was the right thing, no matter how painful it felt (and still feels). Once that happened, I did feel as though he was taking it more seriously. With that said, this first try at medication has not worked and he said he is trying another now. Another breadcrumb that he is serious about treatment. I try to go at least two weeks without contacting him, because contacting him more frequently in the beginning only frustrated me. They are not emotionally capable of returning the sentiment because the depression has taken that away from them. I asked him point blank if he ever thinks about me or wants to see me and to my surprise he responded right away and assured me that he thinks about me every day. He explained that he felt it could confuse things if we saw each other as the meds have not worked yet and nothing emotionally has changed in him. It is an unfair situation for all. Family and friends do not understand. One thing I have found that helps is having my own therapist to talk to and I highly recommend for your sanity to also find for yourself. I think I have mentioned this in other forums, but it’s a constant reassessment of how much we want to support and wait for them. Only you will know that answer. I have also found that making a list of what I need in a partner has been helpful to not forget my own needs. Should he come through this, I would want to make sure these needs are understood before beginning the process of healing the relationship. Remember- the relationship is on the back burner until he gets treatment. They must deal with the real issue first or sadly, it’s a waste of efforts.

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k

He doesn’t want my support, he wants to be self sufficient and do it on his own. He’s told me some things aren’t fixable as he thinks he’s broken. He did text me this am asking how I was. I didnt know what to say bc I’m not ok but i don’t think that will make him feel better. I called a bit ago instead and he’s supposed to call back so well see. I’m glad yours seems intent on finding something that works. And yea I am seeing someone weekly. I’m hoping for us both to come out of this better versions of ourselves. Just right now its tough not knowing how long that could take. He tells me sometimes he misses/thinks of me, and that he’s just avoiding emotion right now. When i tell him i miss/love its usually an ‘i know’. So he knows he has my support but i think he feels guilty like he doesn’t deserve it. I just wish he could remember how happiness felt. I dont even think he realizes the positive effect of what love can do and did anymore. He got worse after he wanted space and now its like he’s accustomed to it all. I know he loves me but it’s buried so deep now. Just sucks but i know you can’t just erase years of it so i have to believe it will resurface just like everything else that is suppressed.

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Claire

Sadly my fight has come to an end. I could no longer live in a world where my emotions have no value. Where my voice is just white noise. I understand there is a struggle and Embarrassment and Shame and all the emotions that someone suffering with depression and anxiety goes through. I understand and have provided all of the support that is expected of me as a partner. But ultimately if I give all that I am to you and you can not get yourself to a medical professional to get the help you need in 18months of me begging you then I can no longer be your emotional punch bag. It sucks. I’m terribly sad but to stay such a toxic unhealthy place was not helpful for either of us. I hope the end of athis relationship will see him finally get the head space he needs to get the help that is out there.

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k

I’m sorry Claire. 18 months. I really hope he seeks the help. I tried looking in the past comments to see if ur original post was there. Didn’t see it if it was. I hope for the best for you both and that you’ve found some small amount of peace knowing you endured what you could and now its up to him.
I just wish i realized how much my bf was struggling earlier, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten to this point. He’d have mini bouts sometimes and a few bigger ones but he’d always seemed to come out of it. I guess it all just added up just under the surface until it caught up. Some days I’m so hurt by the lack of communication and the pushing me away it makes me feel so inadequate. Other days im between frustrated and disappointed i just want to yell at him or shake it out of him. Then there’s the days of clarity filled with hope and confidence of the love i know we share. It’s very confusing and painful to have them appear as if they don’t care anymore, like the whole relationship doesn’t matter. Like you don’t matter. But i hold on, believing that one day love will win out. Trying to remember in the lower days that he’s doing the best he can with what his reality is. That he doesn’t think there’s actually a choice to be had. And i agree the struggle of embarrassment or shame can prevent enlightenment. It’s sad that depression is still such a dirty word when so many people are struggling with it in the dark.

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