Why do People Self-Harm? When Feeling Bad Means Feeling Better

Let's Talk About Self-Harm. Why Feeling Bad Means Feeling Better

We all have battles that feel bigger than us sometimes and we all have characteristic ways of dealing with emotional pain, physical pain, shame, regret or guilt. There is a full bank of very normal human experiences and emotions that can threaten to break any one of us. Sometimes, they last for too long. When it feels as though there is no relief, it can drive even the strongest of us to try anything to get the pain to stop. 

What is self-harm?

Self-harm is any deliberate injury made to the self, by the self. It doesn’t include anything that is socially sanctioned, such as piercings or tattoos. People who self-harm don’t want to die. What they want is for the pain to stop. Most self-harm happens without any thoughts of suicide, but it can predict suicidal behaviour in the future. The problem is that while self-harm provides a temporary escape from emotional pain, it may feed a need for the escape to be more permanent.

Who self-harms? 

The group of people who self-harm is a diverse one. They are men and women of all backgrounds, races and ages. They are people like any one of us – the people we live with, work with and love. Some people who self-harm have anxiety, depression, an eating disorder or borderline personality disorder, but sometimes self-harm exists on its own. 

Self-harm appears to be more common among those who are homosexual, bisexual or questioning their sexuality.

There are a number of ways that people self-harm, including cutting, burning, scratching and banging or hitting. Women were more likely to use cutting, while men were more likely to hit themselves or burn themselves. 

Research of adolescents and young people who self-harm found that on average, they have about five non-suicidal thought of harming themselves each week. The thoughts tend to last between 1–30 minutes. On average, people who self-harm seem to hurt themselves on average between one and two times a week. 

Thoughts of self-harm rarely come with suicidal thoughts, but they do happen with thoughts of drug or alcohol use about 15-20% of the time, and thoughts of and bingeing or purging about 15-20% of the time. Despite these stats, most people who self-harm are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they hurt themselves. 

Let’s clear up a couple of myths.

The idea that self-harm is done for attention or to exploit the ones who care isn’t supported by the research. Although a very small number of people might hurt themselves for attention, this is rarely the case. Most people don’t disclose their self-harm. It is often done very much in private as a way to quickly relieve overwhelming negative feelings. 

Another common myth is that self-harm is often driven by (or caused by) childhood sexual abuse. Again, this has not been supported by the research. In an analysis of a number of studies, only a very small relationship was found between child sexual abuse and self-harm.

Why do people self-harm?

Everything we do is driven by a need. The needs we have are always valid, but the behaviours we choose aren’t always going to be the best or most effective way to meet that need. Needs can be voracious, relentless and compelling. When a need is powerful enough, as needs will tend to be for all of us from time to time, it is understandable that somebody might call on whatever means available to them to end the pain of that unmet need. 

Research has found that self-harm can be an attempt to fulfil a number of valid, powerful needs:

  1. To provide relief from persistent negative thoughts.

    When negative thoughts are persistent and powerful, the pain can feel overwhelming. There is a growing body of research that claims self-harm is a strategy people use to distract themselves from negative, painful thoughts about themselves, things that have happened or about self-injury itself.

  2. To provide relief from overwhelming negative feelings.

    People who self-harm tend to experience intense negative feelings immediately before they hurt themselves. In particular, feelings of anger, self-hatred or rejection have been associated with a significantly greater likelihood of self-harm. After an episode of self-harm, those negative feelings are decreased and there are increased feelings of calm and relief. The relief from the negative feelings, however temporary, can be powerful enough to drive future episodes of self-harm.

  3. As an expression of anger towards the self, or a form of self-punishment.

    Self-criticism seems to play a pivotal role in self-harm. In a review of a number of studies, it was found that found that slightly more than half the people who self-harm do it as an expression of anger towards themselves or as a way to punish themselves. 

Why self-harm brings relief.

The experience of physical pain seems to soothe emotional pain. Images of the brains of people who self-harm have found that physical pain leads to less activity in the part of the brain that is associated with negative emotions (anterior cingulate gyrus and the amygdala). 

Research has also found something interesting that seems to happen when physical pain stops – emotional pain also starts to ease. For any of us, having a bad experience, and then having that bad experience taken away will bring overwhelming relief which feels better than before the bad experience. Let’s say that someone trustworthy tells you that you have one week to live. Then, the next day they tell you that they got it wrong and that you’re absolutely fine. The relief and joy you feel when the bad experience (thinking you’re going to die) is taken away, lifts you higher than you were before it.

The research has been done in people who have no history of self-harm, but it may explain why some people intentionally seek to hurt themselves. Emotional pain and physical pain activate the same areas of the brain. Relief from physical pain (when the self-harm episode ends) brings simultaneous relief from emotional pain. The greater the emotional pain, the greater the relief.  

This does not mean that people who self-harm are wired differently to the rest of us. They aren’t. When emotional pain feels overwhelming and unmanageable, it’s understandable that people who self-harm might tap into their own internal resources to find relief from that pain, even if it means first having to inflict intense physical pain. Intense emotional pain can feel as though it has a life of its own. It can feel out of control. Self-inflicted physical pain, on the other hand, is manageable and controllable.

When physical pain is inflicted deliberately, the beginning and ending of that pain is something that can be managed and used to bring relief to emotional pain. This is not something done to manipulate or control other people. For people who self-harm, physical pain which is under their control is more manageable and more tolerable than emotional pain which feels out of their control. It is a way to bring the self back into balance, which is something we are all driven to seek. When the need for balance is strong enough (brought on by an important unmet need), it will make the unthinkable – the deliberate infliction of pain – feel like an option.

If you are someone who self-harms …

Healing won’t happen by telling yourself that you need to heal. You’ve been doing that. It also doesn’t happen by telling yourself that you need to be brave, strong, resilient. You are already that. It happens when you start to trust. Trust that the people around you have what it takes to fight for you and with you against whatever it is that’s hurting you. 

We all need a hand from time to time, and if this is your turn to ask for help, be kind to yourself and let that happen. Whether it’s a parent, a friend, a partner, a counsellor, a doctor – there are people who want to understand and help you. There is a human connection between all of us, whether you can see it or not, feel it or not, or believe it or not. It’s there. You are not alone. There are people who have such a deep, unwavering, fierce commitment to helping things to better for you. Part of the struggle convinces you that there isn’t, but there is. Don’t let your struggle make you blind to them. Trust that they will cope with your story.

Asking for help is an almighty, incredible strength. You have proven that you are a fighter – brave, strong, beautiful and incredible. You wouldn’t have got through what you’ve been through if you weren’t. Open hearts will bring open hearts. Know that there are people who will always be ready to fight for you. 

If you or someone you love is struggling with self-harm: For Extra Support – When Being Human Gets Tough.

[irp posts=”2373″ name=”To the Ones Who Are Self-Harming, Here’s What You Need to Know …”]

[irp posts=”2376″ name=”When Someone You Love is Self-Harming”]

19 Comments

Kate

I think there is too much stigma surrounding this phenomenon and when people hear about it they automatically assume its a suicidal tendency – when that is not always the case.

I was one such person before I lost a very close friend of mine (suddenly). the emotional pain of grief was more torturous than any physical pain I’d ever endured and I couldn’t bare the thought of ‘cutting’ myself but it came about as a last resort and this article is spot on about the psychological effect – in the worst of the emotional turmoil I would cut and this feeling of absolute relief would wash over me….

Thankfully, it only lasted about a year and then I stopped (because I knew deep down it wasn’t the healthiest way of dealing with my problems), but since then, I would never think of judging another person for doing it – only that I cringe because I’ve been there and know its ultimately unhealthy and we need to learn to be kinder to ourselves!

Reply
Karen Young

Kate thank you so much for sharing your story! I hear you – there is way too much stigma about so many mental health issues. What you are describing makes so much sense. Your voice is strong and important – we need to understand more about this from the people who know – and that is people like you who have been there. I’m so pleased you were able to find your way through – that mustn’t have been easy but you did it. You are strong, brave, and your wisdom is important – thank you.

Reply
Artemis Manias

I found to article very useful, I work with people who self-harm . I do find all articles written by Karen extremely useful in a way that people who are not therapists can understand so I forward them to clients and post them on FB.
Thank you

Reply
SharonH

I wasn’t going to write this reply but then decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that it is a coping mechanism while dealing with almost insurmountable problems.

As one who self-harms, this article helped in a tremendous way. I already understood most of its points, but it is very reassuring and an absolute aid in helping me explain to the (very few) people who know what I do.

In my case it’s only done when the internal pressure of the many things that face me in life come to a head. It helps me in the way that letting off excess steam in a boiler that is about to explode helps to avoid a catastrophe. I cannot explain the relief it provides. It takes knowledge to know just how to do it without creating a harmful physical condition. We do become experts at it, unfortunately.

Most of us “cutters” take great care to hide our wounds/scars from others. To me it is a safety valve. My psychologist understands and tries to help me avoid and cope with the problems that bring it about. But these attacks come mostly in the middle of the night, when negative thoughts tend to come upon me.

I pondered over whether to hit that “reply” tab. It is the first time I’ve ever written about it in public. But to see this article addressing a very much misunderstood behavior is gratifying. Thank you so much for providing light on a subject that is so taboo. Most writings revolve around teenagers, but I am here to validate that we older folks are also subject to this type of behavior.

Reply
Teri

Sharon,
As a one who also self-harms, I have to say I agree with everything you said. I too am an older folk and it is difficult now days to find any information, let alone another our age who can relate to the issues that are taboo. Thank you so much for sharing. I wish for you to find that inner peace and happiness that I know I’m striving to find in my life. Thank you Karen for writing this article as well.

Reply
SharonH

Teri, though not happy that you too self-mutilate, it is comforting to know that this practice stretches across so many age groups. I felt so alone and thought I must be some sort of freak. Not true!

This article AND the responses have been therapeutic in themselves. Good to know that the commonly held belief that mostly teens self-mutilate is incorrect.

So nice to be able to be open and honest about this. This article is a real “keeper” and many thanks to Karen-Hey Sigmund for having the courage to put it on the web where others can hopefully read it and understand a very taboo subject.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

Sharon I’m so pleased you hit the ‘reply’ button. What you describe makes so much sense. We ALL have our ‘stuff’ and the more we can talk about it, the more we are able to heal ourselves and each other. Your voice is your power. You will have made a difference to people by sharing your experience – it’s powerful, brave and important. Thank you!

Reply
Linda

Thank you very much for sharing. Your reply, insight, and courage has helped many of us to understand and better support others! My very best wishes to you.

Reply
aamlewis16

Wow, this is the best writing I have ever seen on this subject. It compassionately explains why people self-harm and what it accomplishes. Spot on. I had a therapist tell me that my behavior was undoubtedly a very effective solution to the problem at hand, but I really needed a better way to cope. She was right, it was effective, and it helped to have her and this article acknowledge that fact without being horrified. Getting my mood disorder under control makes it now seem almost inconceivable to me that I ever cut. But I still know why I did.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

I’m so pleased that you were able to find somebody who understood. It takes courage and strength to look behind the reasons we do some things. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will give hope to plenty of people who read it.

Reply
Stephanie

I agree. I recently saw someone whom burn themselves. I wasn’t aware of their pain.. I was selfish only thinking of my situation.
I feel my problem is not worth exploring. I hope they are able heel.
They cannot heal if I’m in their families way.

Reply
Karen - Hey Sigmund

The idea that people would hurt themselves can be confronting to anyone who doesn’t understand what drives it. I love that you have been so open to taking a different view. Sometimes standing with respect and quiet acceptance of another person’s situation, their needs and their pain, even if we don’t quite understand, can be one of the most powerful ways to support somebody’s healing.

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram

Anxiety is a sign that the brain has registered threat and is mobilising the body to get to safety. One of the ways it does this is by organising the body for movement - to fight the danger or flee the danger. 

If there is no need or no opportunity for movement, that fight or flight fuel will still be looking for expression. This can come out as wriggly, fidgety, hyperactive behaviour. This is why any of us might pace or struggle to sit still when we’re anxious. 

If kids or teens are bouncing around, wriggling in their chairs, or having trouble sitting still, it could be anxiety. Remember with anxiety, it’s not about what is actually safe but about what the brain perceives. New or challenging work, doing something unfamiliar, too much going on, a tired or hungry body, anything that comes with any chance of judgement, failure, humiliation can all throw the brain into fight or flight.

When this happens, the body might feel busy, activated, restless. This in itself can drive even more anxiety in kids or teens. Any of us can struggle when we don’t feel comfortable in our own bodies. 

Anxiety is energy with nowhere to go. To move through anxiety, give the energy somewhere to go - a fast walk, a run, a whole-body shake, hula hooping, kicking a ball - any movement that spends the energy will help bring the brain and body back to calm.♥️
.
.
.
#parenting #anxietyinkids #childanxiety #parenting #parent
This is not bad behaviour. It’s big behaviour a from a brain that has registered threat and is working hard to feel safe again. 

‘Threat’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, but about what the brain perceives. The brain can perceive threat when there is any chance missing out on or messing up something important, anything that feels unfamiliar, hard, or challenging, feeling misunderstood, thinking you might be angry or disappointed with them, being separated from you, being hungry or tired, anything that pushes against their sensory needs - so many things. 

During anxiety, the amygdala in the brain is switched to high volume, so other big feelings will be too. This might look like tears, sadness, or anger. 

Big feelings have a good reason for being there. The amygdala has the very important job of keeping us safe, and it does this beautifully, but not always with grace. One of the ways the amygdala keeps us safe is by calling on big feelings to recruit social support. When big feelings happen, people notice. They might not always notice the way we want to be noticed, but we are noticed. This increases our chances of safety. 

Of course, kids and teens still need our guidance and leadership and the conversations that grow them, but not during the emotional storm. They just won’t hear you anyway because their brain is too busy trying to get back to safety. In that moment, they don’t want to be fixed or ‘grown’. They want to feel seen, safe and heard. 

During the storm, preserve your connection with them as much as you can. You might not always be able to do this, and that’s okay. None of this is about perfection. If you have a rupture, repair it as soon as you can. Then, when their brains and bodies come back to calm, this is the time for the conversations that will grow them. 

Rather than, ‘What consequences do they need to do better?’, shift to, ‘What support do they need to do better?’ The greatest support will come from you in a way they can receive: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can you do differently next time?’ ‘You’re the most wonderful kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen. How can you put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
Big behaviour is a sign of a nervous system in distress. Before anything, that vulnerable nervous system needs to be brought back home to felt safety. 

This will happen most powerfully with relationship and connection. Breathe and be with. Let them know you get it. This can happen with words or nonverbals. It’s about feeling what they feel, but staying regulated.

If they want space, give them space but stay in emotional proximity, ‘Ok I’m just going to stay over here. I’m right here if you need.’

If they’re using spicy words to make sure there is no confusion about how they feel about you right now, flag the behaviour, then make your intent clear, ‘I know how upset you are and I want to understand more about what’s happening for you. I’m not going to do this while you’re speaking to me like this. You can still be mad, but you need to be respectful. I’m here for you.’

Think of how you would respond if a friend was telling you about something that upset her. You wouldn’t tell her to calm down, or try to fix her (she’s not broken), or talk to her about her behaviour. You would just be there. You would ‘drop an anchor’ and steady those rough seas around her until she feels okay enough again. Along the way you would be doing things that let her know your intent to support her. You’d do this with you facial expressions, your voice, your body, your posture. You’d feel her feels, and she’d feel you ‘getting her’. It’s about letting her know that you understand what she’s feeling, even if you don’t understand why (or agree with why). 

It’s the same for our children. As their important big people, they also need leadership. The time for this is after the storm has passed, when their brains and bodies feel safe and calm. Because of your relationship, connection and their felt sense of safety, you will have access to their ‘thinking brain’. This is the time for those meaningful conversations: 
- ‘What happened?’
- ‘What did I do that helped/ didn’t help?’
- ‘What can you do differently next time?’
- ‘You’re a great kid and I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. What can you do to put things right? Do you need my help with that?’♥️
As children grow, and especially by adolescence, we have the illusion of control but whether or not we have any real influence will be up to them. The temptation to control our children will always come from a place of love. Fear will likely have a heavy hand in there too. When they fall, we’ll feel it. Sometimes it will feel like an ache in our core. Sometimes it will feel like failure or guilt, or anger. We might wish we could have stopped them, pushed a little harder, warned a little bigger, stood a little closer. We’re parents and we’re human and it’s what this parenting thing does. It makes fear and anxiety billow around us like lost smoke, too easily.

Remember, they want you to be proud of them, and they want to do the right thing. When they feel your curiosity over judgement, and the safety of you over shame, it will be easier for them to open up to you. Nobody will guide them better than you because nobody will care more about where they land. They know this, but the magic happens when they also know that you are safe and that you will hold them, their needs, their opinions and feelings with strong, gentle, loving hands, no matter what.♥️
Anger is the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. It has important work to do. Anger never exists on its own. It exists to hold other more vulnerable emotions in a way that feels safer. It’s sometimes feels easier, safer, more acceptable, stronger to feel the ‘big’ that comes with anger, than the vulnerability that comes with anxiety, sadness, loneliness. This isn’t deliberate. It’s just another way our bodies and brains try to keep us safe. 

The problem isn’t the anger. The problem is the behaviour that can come with the anger. Let there be no limits on thoughts and feelings, only behaviour. When children are angry, as long as they are safe and others are safe, we don’t need to fix their anger. They aren’t broken. Instead, drop the anchor: as much as you can - and this won’t always be easy - be a calm, steadying, loving presence to help bring their nervous systems back home to calm. 

Then, when they are truly calm, and with love and leadership, have the conversations that will grow them - 
- What happened? 
- What can you do differently next time?
- You’re a really great kid. I know you didn’t want this to happen but here we are. How can you make things right. Would you like some ideas? Do you need some help with that?
- What did I do that helped? What did I do that didn’t help? Is there something that might feel more helpful next time?

When their behaviour falls short of ‘adorable’, rather than asking ‘What consequences they need to do better?’ let the question be, ‘What support do they need to do better.’ Often, the biggest support will be a conversation with you, and that will be enough.♥️
.
.
#parenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparenting #anxietyinkids

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This