Why do People Self-Harm? When Feeling Bad Means Feeling Better

Let's Talk About Self-Harm. Why Feeling Bad Means Feeling Better

We all have battles that feel bigger than us sometimes and we all have characteristic ways of dealing with emotional pain, physical pain, shame, regret or guilt. There is a full bank of very normal human experiences and emotions that can threaten to break any one of us. Sometimes, they last for too long. When it feels as though there is no relief, it can drive even the strongest of us to try anything to get the pain to stop. 

What is self-harm?

Self-harm is any deliberate injury made to the self, by the self. It doesn’t include anything that is socially sanctioned, such as piercings or tattoos. People who self-harm don’t want to die. What they want is for the pain to stop. Most self-harm happens without any thoughts of suicide, but it can predict suicidal behaviour in the future. The problem is that while self-harm provides a temporary escape from emotional pain, it may feed a need for the escape to be more permanent.

Who self-harms? 

The group of people who self-harm is a diverse one. They are men and women of all backgrounds, races and ages. They are people like any one of us – the people we live with, work with and love. Some people who self-harm have anxiety, depression, an eating disorder or borderline personality disorder, but sometimes self-harm exists on its own. 

Self-harm appears to be more common among those who are homosexual, bisexual or questioning their sexuality.

There are a number of ways that people self-harm, including cutting, burning, scratching and banging or hitting. Women were more likely to use cutting, while men were more likely to hit themselves or burn themselves. 

Research of adolescents and young people who self-harm found that on average, they have about five non-suicidal thought of harming themselves each week. The thoughts tend to last between 1–30 minutes. On average, people who self-harm seem to hurt themselves on average between one and two times a week. 

Thoughts of self-harm rarely come with suicidal thoughts, but they do happen with thoughts of drug or alcohol use about 15-20% of the time, and thoughts of and bingeing or purging about 15-20% of the time. Despite these stats, most people who self-harm are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they hurt themselves. 

Let’s clear up a couple of myths.

The idea that self-harm is done for attention or to exploit the ones who care isn’t supported by the research. Although a very small number of people might hurt themselves for attention, this is rarely the case. Most people don’t disclose their self-harm. It is often done very much in private as a way to quickly relieve overwhelming negative feelings. 

Another common myth is that self-harm is often driven by (or caused by) childhood sexual abuse. Again, this has not been supported by the research. In an analysis of a number of studies, only a very small relationship was found between child sexual abuse and self-harm.

Why do people self-harm?

Everything we do is driven by a need. The needs we have are always valid, but the behaviours we choose aren’t always going to be the best or most effective way to meet that need. Needs can be voracious, relentless and compelling. When a need is powerful enough, as needs will tend to be for all of us from time to time, it is understandable that somebody might call on whatever means available to them to end the pain of that unmet need. 

Research has found that self-harm can be an attempt to fulfil a number of valid, powerful needs:

  1. To provide relief from persistent negative thoughts.

    When negative thoughts are persistent and powerful, the pain can feel overwhelming. There is a growing body of research that claims self-harm is a strategy people use to distract themselves from negative, painful thoughts about themselves, things that have happened or about self-injury itself.

  2. To provide relief from overwhelming negative feelings.

    People who self-harm tend to experience intense negative feelings immediately before they hurt themselves. In particular, feelings of anger, self-hatred or rejection have been associated with a significantly greater likelihood of self-harm. After an episode of self-harm, those negative feelings are decreased and there are increased feelings of calm and relief. The relief from the negative feelings, however temporary, can be powerful enough to drive future episodes of self-harm.

  3. As an expression of anger towards the self, or a form of self-punishment.

    Self-criticism seems to play a pivotal role in self-harm. In a review of a number of studies, it was found that found that slightly more than half the people who self-harm do it as an expression of anger towards themselves or as a way to punish themselves. 

Why self-harm brings relief.

The experience of physical pain seems to soothe emotional pain. Images of the brains of people who self-harm have found that physical pain leads to less activity in the part of the brain that is associated with negative emotions (anterior cingulate gyrus and the amygdala). 

Research has also found something interesting that seems to happen when physical pain stops – emotional pain also starts to ease. For any of us, having a bad experience, and then having that bad experience taken away will bring overwhelming relief which feels better than before the bad experience. Let’s say that someone trustworthy tells you that you have one week to live. Then, the next day they tell you that they got it wrong and that you’re absolutely fine. The relief and joy you feel when the bad experience (thinking you’re going to die) is taken away, lifts you higher than you were before it.

The research has been done in people who have no history of self-harm, but it may explain why some people intentionally seek to hurt themselves. Emotional pain and physical pain activate the same areas of the brain. Relief from physical pain (when the self-harm episode ends) brings simultaneous relief from emotional pain. The greater the emotional pain, the greater the relief.  

This does not mean that people who self-harm are wired differently to the rest of us. They aren’t. When emotional pain feels overwhelming and unmanageable, it’s understandable that people who self-harm might tap into their own internal resources to find relief from that pain, even if it means first having to inflict intense physical pain. Intense emotional pain can feel as though it has a life of its own. It can feel out of control. Self-inflicted physical pain, on the other hand, is manageable and controllable.

When physical pain is inflicted deliberately, the beginning and ending of that pain is something that can be managed and used to bring relief to emotional pain. This is not something done to manipulate or control other people. For people who self-harm, physical pain which is under their control is more manageable and more tolerable than emotional pain which feels out of their control. It is a way to bring the self back into balance, which is something we are all driven to seek. When the need for balance is strong enough (brought on by an important unmet need), it will make the unthinkable – the deliberate infliction of pain – feel like an option.

If you are someone who self-harms …

Healing won’t happen by telling yourself that you need to heal. You’ve been doing that. It also doesn’t happen by telling yourself that you need to be brave, strong, resilient. You are already that. It happens when you start to trust. Trust that the people around you have what it takes to fight for you and with you against whatever it is that’s hurting you. 

We all need a hand from time to time, and if this is your turn to ask for help, be kind to yourself and let that happen. Whether it’s a parent, a friend, a partner, a counsellor, a doctor – there are people who want to understand and help you. There is a human connection between all of us, whether you can see it or not, feel it or not, or believe it or not. It’s there. You are not alone. There are people who have such a deep, unwavering, fierce commitment to helping things to better for you. Part of the struggle convinces you that there isn’t, but there is. Don’t let your struggle make you blind to them. Trust that they will cope with your story.

Asking for help is an almighty, incredible strength. You have proven that you are a fighter – brave, strong, beautiful and incredible. You wouldn’t have got through what you’ve been through if you weren’t. Open hearts will bring open hearts. Know that there are people who will always be ready to fight for you. 

If you or someone you love is struggling with self-harm: For Extra Support – When Being Human Gets Tough.

[irp posts=”2373″ name=”To the Ones Who Are Self-Harming, Here’s What You Need to Know …”]

[irp posts=”2376″ name=”When Someone You Love is Self-Harming”]

19 Comments

Kate

I think there is too much stigma surrounding this phenomenon and when people hear about it they automatically assume its a suicidal tendency – when that is not always the case.

I was one such person before I lost a very close friend of mine (suddenly). the emotional pain of grief was more torturous than any physical pain I’d ever endured and I couldn’t bare the thought of ‘cutting’ myself but it came about as a last resort and this article is spot on about the psychological effect – in the worst of the emotional turmoil I would cut and this feeling of absolute relief would wash over me….

Thankfully, it only lasted about a year and then I stopped (because I knew deep down it wasn’t the healthiest way of dealing with my problems), but since then, I would never think of judging another person for doing it – only that I cringe because I’ve been there and know its ultimately unhealthy and we need to learn to be kinder to ourselves!

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Karen Young

Kate thank you so much for sharing your story! I hear you – there is way too much stigma about so many mental health issues. What you are describing makes so much sense. Your voice is strong and important – we need to understand more about this from the people who know – and that is people like you who have been there. I’m so pleased you were able to find your way through – that mustn’t have been easy but you did it. You are strong, brave, and your wisdom is important – thank you.

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Artemis Manias

I found to article very useful, I work with people who self-harm . I do find all articles written by Karen extremely useful in a way that people who are not therapists can understand so I forward them to clients and post them on FB.
Thank you

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SharonH

I wasn’t going to write this reply but then decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that it is a coping mechanism while dealing with almost insurmountable problems.

As one who self-harms, this article helped in a tremendous way. I already understood most of its points, but it is very reassuring and an absolute aid in helping me explain to the (very few) people who know what I do.

In my case it’s only done when the internal pressure of the many things that face me in life come to a head. It helps me in the way that letting off excess steam in a boiler that is about to explode helps to avoid a catastrophe. I cannot explain the relief it provides. It takes knowledge to know just how to do it without creating a harmful physical condition. We do become experts at it, unfortunately.

Most of us “cutters” take great care to hide our wounds/scars from others. To me it is a safety valve. My psychologist understands and tries to help me avoid and cope with the problems that bring it about. But these attacks come mostly in the middle of the night, when negative thoughts tend to come upon me.

I pondered over whether to hit that “reply” tab. It is the first time I’ve ever written about it in public. But to see this article addressing a very much misunderstood behavior is gratifying. Thank you so much for providing light on a subject that is so taboo. Most writings revolve around teenagers, but I am here to validate that we older folks are also subject to this type of behavior.

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Teri

Sharon,
As a one who also self-harms, I have to say I agree with everything you said. I too am an older folk and it is difficult now days to find any information, let alone another our age who can relate to the issues that are taboo. Thank you so much for sharing. I wish for you to find that inner peace and happiness that I know I’m striving to find in my life. Thank you Karen for writing this article as well.

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SharonH

Teri, though not happy that you too self-mutilate, it is comforting to know that this practice stretches across so many age groups. I felt so alone and thought I must be some sort of freak. Not true!

This article AND the responses have been therapeutic in themselves. Good to know that the commonly held belief that mostly teens self-mutilate is incorrect.

So nice to be able to be open and honest about this. This article is a real “keeper” and many thanks to Karen-Hey Sigmund for having the courage to put it on the web where others can hopefully read it and understand a very taboo subject.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Sharon I’m so pleased you hit the ‘reply’ button. What you describe makes so much sense. We ALL have our ‘stuff’ and the more we can talk about it, the more we are able to heal ourselves and each other. Your voice is your power. You will have made a difference to people by sharing your experience – it’s powerful, brave and important. Thank you!

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Linda

Thank you very much for sharing. Your reply, insight, and courage has helped many of us to understand and better support others! My very best wishes to you.

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aamlewis16

Wow, this is the best writing I have ever seen on this subject. It compassionately explains why people self-harm and what it accomplishes. Spot on. I had a therapist tell me that my behavior was undoubtedly a very effective solution to the problem at hand, but I really needed a better way to cope. She was right, it was effective, and it helped to have her and this article acknowledge that fact without being horrified. Getting my mood disorder under control makes it now seem almost inconceivable to me that I ever cut. But I still know why I did.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

I’m so pleased that you were able to find somebody who understood. It takes courage and strength to look behind the reasons we do some things. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will give hope to plenty of people who read it.

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Stephanie

I agree. I recently saw someone whom burn themselves. I wasn’t aware of their pain.. I was selfish only thinking of my situation.
I feel my problem is not worth exploring. I hope they are able heel.
They cannot heal if I’m in their families way.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

The idea that people would hurt themselves can be confronting to anyone who doesn’t understand what drives it. I love that you have been so open to taking a different view. Sometimes standing with respect and quiet acceptance of another person’s situation, their needs and their pain, even if we don’t quite understand, can be one of the most powerful ways to support somebody’s healing.

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When things feel hard or the world feels big, children will be looking to their important adults for signs of safety. They will be asking, ‘Do you think I'm safe?' 'Do you think I can do this?' With everything in us, we have to send the message, ‘Yes! Yes love, this is hard and you are safe. You can do hard things.'

Even if we believe they are up to the challenge, it can be difficult to communicate this with absolute confidence. We love them, and when they're distressed, we're going to feel it. Inadvertently, we can align with their fear and send signals of danger, especially through nonverbals. 

What they need is for us to align with their 'brave' - that part of them that wants to do hard things and has the courage to do them. It might be small but it will be there. Like a muscle, courage strengthens with use - little by little, but the potential is always there.

First, let them feel you inside their world, not outside of it. This lets their anxious brain know that support is here - that you see what they see and you get it. This happens through validation. It doesn't mean you agree. It means that you see what they see, and feel what they feel. Meet the intensity of their emotion, so they can feel you with them. It can come off as insincere if your nonverbals are overly calm in the face of their distress. (Think a zen-like low, monotone voice and neutral face - both can be read as threat by an anxious brain). Try:

'This is big for you isn't it!' 
'It's awful having to do things you haven't done before. What you are feeling makes so much sense. I'd feel the same!

Once they really feel you there with them, then they can trust what comes next, which is your felt belief that they will be safe, and that they can do hard things. 

Even if things don't go to plan, you know they will cope. This can be hard, especially because it is so easy to 'catch' their anxiety. When it feels like anxiety is drawing you both in, take a moment, breathe, and ask, 'Do I believe in them, or their anxiety?' Let your answer guide you, because you know your young one was built for big, beautiful things. It's in them. Anxiety is part of their move towards brave, not the end of it.
Sometimes we all just need space to talk to someone who will listen without giving advice, or problem solving, or lecturing. Someone who will let us talk, and who can handle our experiences and words and feelings without having to smooth out the wrinkles or tidy the frayed edges. 

Our kids need this too, but as their important adults, it can be hard to hush without needing to fix things, or gather up their experience and bundle it into a learning that will grow them. We do this because we love them, but it can also mean that they choose not to let us in for the wrong reasons. 

We can’t help them if we don’t know what’s happening in their world, and entry will be on their terms - even more as they get older. As they grow, they won’t trust us with the big things if we don’t give them the opportunity to learn that we can handle the little things (which might feel seismic to them). They won’t let us in to their world unless we make it safe for them to.

When my own kids were small, we had a rule that when I picked them up from school they could tell me anything, and when we drove into the driveway, the conversation would be finished if they wanted it to be. They only put this rule into play a few times, but it was enough for them to learn that it was safe to talk about anything, and for me to hear what was happening in that part of their world that happened without me. My gosh though, there were times that the end of the conversation would be jarring and breathtaking and so unfinished for me, but every time they would come back when they were ready and we would finish the chat. As it turned out, I had to trust them as much as I wanted them to trust me. But that’s how parenting is really isn’t it.

Of course there will always be lessons in their experiences we will want to hear straight up, but we also need them to learn that we are safe to come to.  We need them to know that there isn’t anything about them or their life we can’t handle, and when the world feels hard or uncertain, it’s safe here. By building safety, we build our connection and influence. It’s just how it seems to work.♥️
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#parenting #parenthood #mindfulparenting
Words can be hard sometimes. The right words can be orbital and unconquerable and hard to grab hold of. Feelings though - they’ll always make themselves known, with or without the ‘why’. 

Kids and teens are no different to the rest of us. Their feelings can feel bigger than words - unfathomable and messy and too much to be lassoed into language. If we tap into our own experience, we can sometimes (not all the time) get an idea of what they might need. 

It’s completely understandable that new things or hard things (such as going back to school) might drive thoughts of falls and fails and missteps. When this happens, it’s not so much the hard thing or the new thing that drives avoidance, but thoughts of failing or not being good enough. The more meaningful the ‘thing’ is, the more this is likely to happen. If you can look behind the words, and through to the intention - to avoid failure more than the new or difficult experience, it can be easier to give them what they need. 

Often, ‘I can’t’ means, ‘What if I can’t?’ or, ‘Do you think I can?’, or, ‘Will you still think I’m brave, strong, and capable of I fail?’ They need to know that the outcome won’t make any difference at all to how much you adore them, and how capable and exceptional you think they are. By focusing on process, (the courage to give it a go), we clear the runway so they can feel safer to crawl, then walk, then run, then fly. 

It takes time to reach full flight in anything, but in the meantime the stumbling can make even the strongest of hearts feel vulnerable. The more we focus on process over outcome (their courage to try over the result), and who they are over what they do (their courage, tenacity, curiosity over the outcome), the safer they will feel to try new things or hard things. We know they can do hard things, and the beauty and expansion comes first in the willingness to try. 
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#parenting #mindfulparenting #positiveparenting #mindfulparent
Never in the history of forever has there been such a  lavish opportunity for a year to be better than the last. Not to be grabby, but you know what I’d love this year? Less opportunities that come in the name of ‘resilience’. I’m ready for joy, or adventure, or connection, or gratitude, or courage - anything else but resilience really. Opportunities for resilience have a place, but 2020 has been relentless with its servings, and it’s time for an out breath. Here’s hoping 2021 will be a year that wraps its loving arms around us. I’m ready for that. x
The holidays are a wonderland of everything that can lead to hyped up, exhausted, cranky, excited, happy kids (and adults). Sometimes they’ll cycle through all of these within ten minutes. Sugar will constantly pry their little mouths wide open and jump inside, routines will laugh at you from a distance, there will be gatherings and parties, and everything will feel a little bit different to usual. And a bit like magic. 

Know that whatever happens, it’s all part of what the holidays are meant to look like. They aren’t meant to be pristine and orderly and exactly as planned. They were never meant to be that. Christmas is about people, your favourite ones, not tasks. If focusing on the people means some of the tasks fall down, let that be okay, because that’s what Christmas is. It’s about you and your people. It’s not about proving your parenting stamina, or that you’ve raised perfectly well-behaved humans, or that your family can polish up like the catalog ones any day of the week, or that you can create restaurant quality meals and decorate the table like you were born doing it. Christmas is messy and ridiculous and exhausting and there will be plenty of frayed edges. And plenty of magic. The magic will happen the way it always happens. Not with the decorations or the trimmings or the food or the polish, but by being with the ones you love, and the ones who love you right back.

When it all starts to feel too important, too necessary and too ‘un-let-go-able’, be guided by the bigger truth, which is that more than anything, you will all remember how you all felt – as in how happy they felt, how loved they felt were, how noticed they felt. They won’t care about the instagram-worthy meals on the table, the cleanliness of the floors, how many relatives they visited, or how impressed other grown-ups were with their clean faces and darling smiles. It’s easy to forget sometimes, that what matters most at Christmas isn’t the tasks, but the people – the ones who would give up pretty much anything just to have the day with you.

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