You and Your Teen – The Words That Can Strengthen Your Influence and Connection

You and Your Teen - The Words That Can Strengthen Your Influence and Connection

As parents of teens, there is an awareness that grows as our teens do. The awareness will be delicious and exciting and frightening all at once and it’s this: their job as teens is to let us go, and our job is to let them. This isn’t easy, which is why adolescence will often come with conflict and confusion for everyone.

The world is opening up to them with newness, opportunities and experiences they haven’t known before. We want to keep protecting them from the sharp edges of the world, but they need the space and permission to fall, and to discover the world and their place in it. No wonder adolescence can be a struggle!

We want them to explore and experiment – but if only they could do it ‘our way’, adolescence would be so much easier for everyone! Easier maybe, but not as rich, and not as able to grow them into the wonderful, healthy, independent adult humans they are all capable of being.

When our teens reach adolescence, the push against us can feel like a tidal wave. This is normal and healthy, and it’s how it’s meant to happen. One of the most important developmental goals of adolescence is the move towards independence. Letting this happen, while at the same time preserving our relationship with them will be one of the most important things we do for them and for us. It requires a depth of love and selflessness that parents are so capable of, but which can be difficult sometimes. 

Keeping the connection with our teens is key. It’s everything. During adolescence they’ll need our guidance more than ever, but we can’t influence them if we aren’t connected to them. Our words become like a little bit of magic. The capacity to connect through conversation is in all of us, but sometimes knowing what to say, and having the emotional presence to say it can feel as easy as growing feathers.

As parents the temptation to fix their hurts, and stand between them and the world can be wildly intense. Sometimes this is important. Sometimes we need to be their voice and to fight for them, even if just so they can see how it’s done when the time is right for them to fight for themselves. Sometimes though, we need to let go of fixing or controlling or understanding, and instead be a gentle witness to their experiences.

We can do this by acknowledging. It’s as simple and as challenging as that. We do it by resisting the urge to fix, chastise, redirect, punish, fight for or fight with. Instead, when we acknowledge what we see – their feelings, their needs, their wants – we give them the gentle space to discover their own answers. We spark their capacity to tap into their own resourcefulness, courage and resilience. It is so profoundly simple, yet so powerful in its impact. 

But sometimes their behaviour is so – how to put it nicely – APPALLING – won’t acknowledging them seem like a green light?

Acknowledging doesn’t mean condoning, and it doesn’t mean letting our boundaries melt away. It means validating the feelings that are driving our teens’ behaviour, in a reflective, present, non-judgemental way. All feelings are valid and it’s okay for them to be there. What isn’t okay is the behaviour that’s driven by those feelings.

If we want to influence our teens and connect with them, we first have to find the space in them that is open to us. It won’t be in the yelling, defiance or stony silence, which is why engaging with that behaviour won’t work. It will be in the need or the feeling that is driving the behaviour. Whatever it is, it will be valid, important and deserving of our attention, however wild the behaviour it’s driving seems to be. This is where acknowledgement can be powerful. Some examples …

  • Anger means there’s something in the way of something I want. (Try, ‘You seem angry that it hasn’t worked out the way you thought. I get that.’)
  • Sadness means I’ve lost something important to me. (Try, ‘I understand how much [it] meant to you. It’s okay for you to be upset.’)
  • Jealousy means I want something somebody else has. (This isn’t always material. It might seem like it is, but there will be a need underlying that. Most likely a need for love, praise, attention, status, recognition – something that feels important for them. (Try, ‘It can be hard when other people get something we’ve really been wanting can’t it.’)
  • Anxiety means I might be in danger. (This doesn’t always mean physical danger – it could mean the threat of humiliation, embarrassment, loss. Try, ‘You seem worried that … Is there anything you’d like from me?’)

The goal isn’t to fix anything, but to make the way safe and open enough for your teen to explore their own experience. Whether this happens with you or without you is up to them. The most important thing is that they know you’re there. All teens have a wonderfully rich capacity to be their own heroes. Our role as parents is to step aside enough to give them the space and security to discover this for themselves.  

Why acknowledgement is like a little bit of magic.

Emotions happen for a very good reason – to evoke a response that will move towards meeting a need. The need is always valid, but sometimes the way it is expressed makes it seem otherwise. Let me explain … When your teen says, ‘I NEED to go to the party,’ the need isn’t the party. The party is the behaviour that will meet the need, but it’s not the need. The need is pushing somewhere from the shadows. It will likely be something along the lines of, ‘I need to feel connected with my friends,’ or ‘I need to feel included,’ or perhaps, ‘I need you to see that I’m capable of making my own decisions.’

‘If you can name it, you can tame it.’ This has become a mantra in modern psychology. Naming an emotion calms the nervous system. When we acknowledge their experience, the emotion that’s driving the behaviour can start to ease. It’s done its job. We’ve heard them and understood them. The more we fight whatever it is our teens are feeling, or deny it, minimise it, or act like it doesn’t matter, the harder that emotion will work to do its job – which is to evoke a response – from them, from us. 

‘Acknowledging’ speaks to the feeling behind the response to bring calm: ‘I can see how upset you are with me. I understand how much you want to go to the party. It’s really important to you to be with your friends, and you feel as though I’m getting in the way of that.’

This doesn’t mean your teen will instantly calm and see things your way, but when they feel seen, the process towards calm and a rational conversation can begin. As long as there are big feelings swamping your teen (or any of us for that matter), the capacity for to make informed, rational, logical choices will be limited. The part of the brain that is able to receive information and use it in a healthy way gets overwhelmed by big feelings. It’s still there and able to function, but it will be stifled until the high emotion has eased back a little. 

This also doesn’t mean that we have to give in to everything our teens want, but it’s important to let them know that we understand what’s important to them. We all need to feel heard by the people we care about. Our teens are no different.

They’re not always open books. And by ‘not always’, I mean ‘hardly ever’. What if I don’t know what’s driving their behaviour?

Sometimes the need driving their behaviour won’t always be obvious. There will just be big feelings and behaviour that’s way down on the ‘adorable’ scale. If there is confusion about the driving need, explore what will happen if ‘what they want’ doesn’t happen. ‘What will it mean to you if you don’t go to the party?’ Sometimes this will have to wait until things calm down. Otherwise you might get a not-so-insightful response along the lines of, ‘it will mean that you hate me’ – or something like that.

Why acknowledgement is so much more powerful than criticism.

Criticism rarely feels constructive. It feels like criticism. Too much criticism teaches kids to find fault with themselves and with others. It builds resentment, anger, and a feeling of not being ‘enough’. We all make mistakes, and we have a right to make those mistakes. It’s how we learn. What our teens need is the direction and safety to explore a better option. When our teens mess up, they generally know they’ve messed up. This doesn’t mean we hand them the keys to the castle and let them get on with it – not at all. By acknowledging rather than criticising, we make it safe for them to explore and to be open to the lessons they need to learn to move forward.

How to use acknowledgement to increase your influence and connection, and as a powerful emotional first aid.

Acknowledging is like emotional first aid for anything teens go through – the big things, the little things, the anythings. Here’s how it can be used:

•  When they feel wronged.

There will be times our teens will feel (rightly or wrongly) as though they have been wronged by someone around them – a teacher, a friend, the soccer coach – anyone. The temptation can be to ask them what they might have done to contribute to the problem. Though it’s important for them to see their contribution to a problem, there will be time for this later. In the meantime, it’s not up to us to look for the motives or reasons other people might do the things they do that have hurt them. Our job as the important adults in our teens’ lives is to give them the space and direction to make sense of things themselves, when they’re ready – and nobody is ready to see another side when they’re hurt or angry.

When your teen feels a little bruised by the world, they need an advocate. This doesn’t mean condoning misbehaviour or agreeing with their view of the world. It means creating the space for them to find their own answers and letting them know that we’re on their team while they do that. It’s important that they don’t see us trying to explain somebody else’s confusing behaviour, before we try to understand theirs. If it feels important to have them reflect on their own behaviour, wait until things settle down. They’ll be much more open to any insights then. 

Instead of: ‘The teacher must have had a reason for doing that,’ or ‘What did you do to make him so upset with you?’

Try: ‘That sounds as though it was really embarrassing for you. I can see how angry you are about what’s happened.’

•  When they need that one person.

We all need that one person we can fold into when the world feels too big. When something has happened that has pushed against them, acknowledging how they feel can bypass any shame or defensiveness, and speak directly to their heart. There are plenty of people in their lives who can speak to their rational mind, but we all need someone who can see through the mess to speak to the core of us. 

Instead of: ‘You shouldn’t worry about it. What does it matter which team you get into?’

Try: ‘You’re really disappointed you didn’t make the team aren’t you. And you were so ready for it too.’

This isn’t about letting them become self-centred, but about soothing the emotion that might be stifling their ability to think rationally or from another point of view. 

•  When the world doesn’t live up to their expectations.

Our teens need to know that the world can be a pity sometimes, but they don’t need it pointed out when they’re feeling raw. What they need is a soft landing. Hold back on the urge to reason with them and instead, acknowledge what might be going on for them.

Instead of: ‘What did you expect? It’s the first time you’ve played soccer since September.’

Try: ‘You really wanted to play on that team didn’t you.’

•  When the problem feels bigger on the inside than it seems on the outside.

It’s probably not the end of the world when they miss out on the part they wanted in the class play, but that’s not for us to decide. How they feel is how they feel and whatever it is, it’s valid. The only way through a feeling is straight through the middle. The more room we give them to feel, the quicker they’ll move through. That doesn’t mean we let them ‘wallow’. We don’t want them to learn that self-pity is a handy go-to, but we do want them to take some time to honour whatever it is that feels important. They’ll realise for themselves that it’s not the end of the world, when they get to the edge and realise it’s not the end.

•  When they are anxious.

Telling someone who is feeling anxious that there’s nothing to worry about can have the effect of feeling the breeze on your skin while you’re wearing a wetsuit. Kind of … a whole lot of nothing. Anxiety comes from a brain that’s working hard to keep us safe. The purpose of anxiety is to warn of danger. Whether there is any real threat is irrelevant – it just wants to make sure we’re ready to fight or flee any danger that might be there. The more we fight that, the harder the brain will work to make us ‘get it’. Acknowledging anxiety doesn’t make it worse – it gives it permission to ease. It’s like saying to that overprotective brain, ‘It’s okay – I hear you. And I’ve got this. You can relax now.’ 

Instead of: ‘There’s nothing to worry about. You’ll have a great time.’

Try: ‘You seem nervous about going. I really understand that. It can be difficult walking into somewhere when you don’t know what to expect.’

Remember, you don’t need to fix anything. Your teen has everything he or she needs to deal with the tough stuff. When you tell them not to worry, the pressure is on them to feel ‘okay’. If only ‘not worrying’ was as easy as following an instruction! The important thing isn’t ‘not worrying’, but not letting the worrying hold them back.

•  When we want them to see things from our side.

The more we let them know that we understand what it’s like for them in their world, the more we expand their willingness to listen to what it’s like in ours. 

‘You didn’t tell me where you were going because you were worried I would stop you. I understand that. I know how important it is for you to be able to do things with your friends. You want to be able to make decisions for yourself. I get that. You’re growing up and you should be able to make your own decisions about certain things. What I need is to know that you’re going to be safe, and I can’t know that if I don’t know where you are. You need freedom – and I want you to have that – but in return I need to know that you’re safe. We need to work together on this. The more I can trust that you’re safe and being honest with me, the more freedom you’ll start to have.’

•  When we want to know more.

Sometimes we aren’t sure of what they’re feeling. They might not be so sure themselves. They might be withdrawn into themselves, they might erupt unexpectedly or out of proportion to the situation. Acknowledging let’s them know that it’s safe, and that whatever they are feeling, even they think it’s ridiculous, self-centred, confusing, big, or trivial – it okay. 

Try: ‘I’ve noticed you didn’t really talk much at dinner. You seem distracted/ upset/ angry. I’m wondering if you’d like to talk. And it’s completely okay if you don’t want to.’

This gives them a safe opening to speak, without feeling as though they have to.

•  When they need encouragement to keep going.

Being a teen can be tough work. There will be plenty of times they just need something, without knowing what. Something they’ll always want is our approval (even if they don’t always show it!) Let them know that you notice their efforts,

Try: ‘I know you really wanted to go to the beach today. It couldn’t have been easy to stay home and study instead. I can see how hard you’re working.’

And finally … 

Teens have everything inside them they need to meet their challenges. They are resourceful, resilient and they have wonderfully creative minds. They are powerful, wise and brave and they have the answers they need inside them – but sometimes they’ll need our guidance. When we acknowledge them – their feelings, needs, experiences – we expand their openness to us and give them the space for them to explore their own truths. We can’t love the lessons into them, but we can lovingly lay the ground for them to discover the lessons themselves.

Acknowledgement gives teens the message that we see them, and that we’re safe for them to ‘be’ in front of, whatever might be going on inside them. They need our guidance, we need their trust. When we acknowledge, we nurture our connection with them and increase our influence in a way that is gentle, powerful and important.

26 Comments

Marie

I just found this article and website through a Facebook post. Thank you for the insight and usable guidance. We are having difficulty naming emotions and understanding our 18 year old son’s defiant and disrespectful (without apology) behavior. We have always been close yet encouraged independence as well as self advocation. Although he participated and excelled in sports, he has not been very social among peers. He was accepted to 4 universities but wouldn’t commit to any. He has become increasingly defiant disrespectful and silent. Although his behavior is agonizing, we want to create the space to allow him to figure himself out and encourage him to see he has everything he needs to do so.

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Adrienne

Hi Karen, I recently found this blog via a shared FB post, and I’m so grateful for your insight. Thank you.

In this post, one of the points you make is about “naming it.” I’ve been looking for a book, article, or other resource (maybe another of your posts?) that is helpful for this kind of emotional literacy. Maybe I can use a wider range of words for myself, modeling for my daughter what’s possible to name.

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Valerie

Great article thank you. I have been trying to give my daughter space and recognize her need to feel independent as she gets ready for college. Sometimes she says really hurtful things like ” don’t expect me to come home very often or I’ll be gone soon so it doesn’t matter what you do” the other day I told her I understood she was leaving but sometimes it feels like you hate it here and can’t wait to leave. The next day she said she was sorry but sometimes she can’t imagine leaving and just wants to stay and other times she looks forward to college but feels guilty for going away. It opened up a great discussion. Like you said, their job is to let go of us and ours is to let them. So simple yet so profound. Thank you.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

It can be so hurtful when they say things like this can’t it, but it seems to mean less to them than it does to us. Take it as a sign that she knows how much you love her. The ‘I’m not coming home/ I can’t wait to get out of here’ are such common responses from teens. They know they are the sort of things that will have the greatest effect on parents, so they’re an easy grab when they are frustrated or angry. The main thing is that she is sorry when things calm down again.

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Carolyn

Thank you for your insightful article. My son suffers from an anxiety disorder, and your thoughts are spot on! He wants control and freedom, but doesn’t quite know how to manage them well yet. Acknowledging his needs is really the only way to get him to engage.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

It can be so confusing can’t it! They want the control and freedom – which is so understandable – but they’re still learning how to manage it. Anxiety can certainly add to the conflict for them, but it sounds as though you’ve found a way through.

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Carolyn

We’re working on it. Every day is a bit of a challenge, but we’ve made tremendous progress through great treatment programs and a lot of patience. The biggest challenge is recognizing that he’s not purposely being difficult and responding with love and patience rather than frustration!

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Carla

Karen, this is excellent and thank you for putting it all into context. I appreciate it how practical you make it. I can literally hear myself saying the ‘before’ comments!

My 17 year old son does not have an emotional vocabulary – basically, he has trouble naming his own feelings. Although we try to talk to him, he will never open up about topics that are bothering him. How can I help him to connect with his emotions better? We have been engaged with a psychologist, and he does have ADD, which I do think is a contributor to this issue. Any suggestions?

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

You’re very welcome Carla. It’s not at all unusual for 17 year olds to keep to themselves with their feelings and the things that are weighing heavily on them. It’s great that you’re alive to the issue though, and working with a psychologist to support him. Keep giving him the words and reflecting back to him what you see. This will help him with the language that he needs. He might not open up until he is through adolescence, and that’s also very normal. It’s part of him experimenting with his independence and exploring who he is as an independent person. The most important thing is to keep making it safe for him to talk if he needs to, and to keep the language of emotion going. It sounds as though you are doing a great job of this.

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Christine

Hi Karen, I would like to add my heartfelt thanks. This has been so timely and helpful (I can echo Susie’s comments above). Being a parent of two teenage girls is such a challenging journey – a real roller coaster! Every word you say makes sense – and helps immeasurably.
Thank you

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Christine you’re welcome. Adolescence is such an adventure for everyone – and yes I hear you on the roller coaster! I’m pleased this has helped to make sense of things.

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Stan G

Thanks again Karen.

Another great, insightful and informative article. Anxiety in our teens/kids is probably the hardest emotion to try to overcome, for me, and I can see by this article that I’ve been saying the wrong things to my daughter about her dance exams.

My worst one is: “Try not to worry about it too much. You’ll have a great time and you know you can do it.” So I recognise my inability to say the right thing in that area. Now, I have a greater understanding of how to handle it better, thank you.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

You’re so welcome. It’s so hard to know the right thing to say, but it’s so clear that everything you are saying is coming from a place of love for your daughter. We’re learning new things all the time about what works a little and what works a lot, and it’s always okay to tweak along the way. What’s important is being open to the information as it comes. It sounds as though your daughter is in very safe hands.

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sybil

my daughters (17)boyfriend (18)had a huge argument with my son(14) and I intervened and said he should be mindful of his treatment of others and that all actions have repurcussions etc. `i did it in the car and one of my daughters friends was there(18). even though the argument was nothing to do with me I am now the bad guy as far as everyones concerned, my husband included. it was a friday night and i had worked 50 hour week, what should I do?

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Let them see you acknowledge the part that you wish you did differently. Whatever you do, don’t whip yourself for it. It sounds as though you were exhausted and moving to protect your son. This is completely understandable, even if it ended messily.

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Susie

Hi thanks so much for posting this today! It is exactly the situation re the party (needing) to go to.
My daughter has a lot of anger, especially when feels unacknowledged perhaps but mostly when not getting the driving need met!
It is Very very hard and I as her mother and main person in her line of fire; feel that I am not having much success at any thing I do or say.
So much that I feel like running away myself.
Thanks for reading.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

I hear you! It can be SO hard when teens feel as though you’re standing between them and their friends. Your daughter’s frustration and anger towards you is very normal though and a pretty clear sign that she’s moving forward just as she’s meant to. It doesn’t necessarily make the anger any easier though! Hang in there. Your daughter is doing what she needs to do and when that’s done, things will get easier for both of you.

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Li

I wish I could fully express to you how helpful your teen articles have been to me (and to the dozens of people I have passed them on to). Your articles always help me develop a better understanding of what my teen is going through and helps me approach her from a place of love and acceptance rather than criticism and annoyance. This is another great article—thank you!

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Omar Reda

Dear Karen,

It is always delightful and insightful to read your writing, keep up the good work.

I was wondering about the comment ‘I’ve noticed you didn’t really talk much at dinner. You seem distracted/ upset/ angry. I’m wondering if you’d like to talk. And it’s completely okay if you don’t want to.’
I tell my girls that “I am here/always available if you feel like talking” but do not necessarily tell them that it is okay to not talk.
I see your point of not wanting them to feel pressured to open up, yet I am afraid if we give them “permission” to use the silent treatment then they will continue to retreat to their small corner and isolate.
I know that they will eventually open up if/when they feel safe (hopefully they should do around us) but wondering if we could facilitate (not necessarily expedite or pressure) the opening-up process.

Again, thank you, it is a pleasure to be on this blog.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

Great question. I think it’s important to be careful about naming their behaviour as the silent treatment. When they are silent, it isn’t necessarily as a form of control or a way to punish us, in the way the silent treatment is typically used. Silence for adolescents generally isn’t so much the silent treatment, as it is a need or privacy, or the experimentation of their independence from us.

Adolescence is the time for our teens to start exploring their own independence and the people they will be as adults. As part of this, they will start pulling away from us – not to be mean, or to intentionally shut us out, but because they need to feel that sense of independence so they can explore what being an independent adult will look like for them. As with trying anything new, their move towards independence won’t necessarily be done with grace. It might feel like silence, push back, or defiance, but it’s sort of like when they started to walk – plenty of falls, bad landings and wobbly steps but all part of learning to do something new for themselves.

Sometimes, the closer they are to us, the more they might need to push in order to feel that sense of independence. Respecting their need to stay silent on certain things is respecting that this is the time for them to explore what that independence from us is like. In the same way that we as adults don’t necessarily want to speak about everything with them, or with everyone in our lives we are close to, they also won’t want to share everything with us. When we respect that, we’re acknowledging their push for independence, and that they don’t need to involve us in everything (as much as we’d like them to!). We’re also laying the ground for our future relationship with them. The more we respect their privacy, or their capacity to deal with things without us, the more likely it is that they will come to us when they’re ready.

Our teens don’t want to disconnect from us, even though their behaviour might have that effect. It’s why it’s so important that we let them step back when they need to, and at the same time let them know that we’re here whenever they want us to be. Hope that makes sense. It’s a great issue to raise.

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Meredith

Thank you! I really appreciate all the content and useful insight you pack into your articles. I’ll keep working on offering open listening and empathy to my teen daughter!

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Behaviour is never from ‘bad’. It’s from ‘big’. Big hungry, big tired, big disconnection, big missing, big ‘too much right now’. The reason our responses might not work can often be because we’ve misread the story, or we’ve missed an important piece of it. Their story might be about now, today, yesterday, or any of the yesterdays before now. 

Our job isn’t to fix them. They aren’t broken. Our job is to understand them. Only then can we steer our response in the right direction. Otherwise we’re throwing darts at the wrong target - behaviour, instead of the need behind the behaviour. 

Watch, listen, breathe and be with. Feel what they feel. This will help them feel you with them. We all feel safer and calmer when we feel our people beside us - not judging or hurrying or questioning. What don’t you know, that they need you to know?♥️
We all have first up needs. The difference between adults and children is that we can delay the meeting of these needs for a bit longer than children - but we still need them met. 

The first most important question the brain needs answered is, ‘Is my body safe?’ - Am I free from threat, hunger, exhaustion, pain? This is usually an easier one to take care of or to recognise when it might need some attention. 

The next most important question is, ‘Is my heart safe?’ - Am I loved, noticed, valued, claimed, wanted, welcome? This can be an easy one to overlook, especially in the chaos of the morning. Of course we love them and want them - and sometimes we’ll get distracted, annoyed, frustrated, irritated. None of this changes how much we love and want them - not even for a second. We can feel two things at once - madly in love with them and annoyed/ distracted/ frustrated. Sometimes though, this can leave their ‘Is my heart safe?’ needs a little hungry. They have less capacity than us to delay the meeting of these needs. When these needs are hungry, we’ll be more likely to see big feelings or big behaviour. 

The more you can fill their love tanks at the start of the day, the more they’ll be able to handle the bumps. This doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be enough. It might look like having a cuddle, reading a story, having a chat, sitting with them while they have breakfast or while they pat the dog, touching their back when they walk past, telling them you love them.

All brains need to feel loved and wanted, and as though they aren’t a nuisance, but sometimes they’ll need to feel it more. The more their felt sense of relational safety is met, the more they’ll be able to then focus on ‘thinking brain’ things, such as planning, making good decisions, co-operating, behaving. 

(And if this today was a bumpy one, that’s okay. Those days are going to happen. If most of the time their love tanks are full, they’ll handle when it drops a little. Just top it up when you can. And don’t forget to top yours up too. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it as much as they do.)♥️
Things will always go wrong - a bad decision, a good decision with a bad outcome, a dilemma, wanting something that comes with risk. 

Often, the ‘right thing’ lives somewhere in the very blurry bounds of the grey. Sometimes it will be about what’s right for them. Sometimes what’s right for others. Sometimes it will be about taking a risk, and sometimes the ‘right’ thing just feels wrong right now, or wrong for them. Even as adults, we will often get things wrong. This isn’t because we’re bad, or because we don’t know the right thing from the wrong thing, but because few things are black and white. 

The problem with punishment and harsh consequences is that we remove ourselves as an option for them to turn to next time things end messy, or as a guide before the mess happens. 

Feeling safe in our important relationships is a primary need for all of us humans. That means making sure our relationships are free from judgement, humiliation, shame, separation. If our response to their ‘wrong things’ is to bring all of these things to the table we share with them with them, of course they’ll do anything to avoid it. This isn’t about lying or secrecy. It’s about maintaining relational ‘safety’, or closeness.

Kids want to do the right thing. They want us to love and accept them. But they’re going to get things wrong sometimes. When they do, our response will teach them either that we are safe for them to come to no matter what, or that we aren’t. 

So what do we do when things go wrong? Embrace them, reject the behaviour:

‘I love that you’ve been honest with me. That means everything to me. I know you didn’t expect things to end up like this, but here we are. Let’s talk about what’s happened and what can be different next time.’

Or, ‘Something must have made this (wrong thing) feel like the right thing to do, otherwise you wouldn’t have done it. We all do that sometimes. What do you think it was that was for you?’

Or, ‘I know you know lying isn’t okay. What made you feel like you couldn’t tell me the truth? How can we build the trust again. Let’s talk about how to do that.’

You will always be their greatest guide, but you can only be that if they let you.♥️
Whenever there is a call to courage, there will be anxiety - every time. That’s what makes it brave. This is why challenging things, brave things, important things will often drive anxiety. 

At these times - when they are safe, but doing something hard - the feelings that come with anxiety will be enough to drive avoidance. When it is avoidance of a threat, that’s important. That’s anxiety doing it’s job. But when the avoidance is in response to things that are important, brave, meaningful, that avoidance only serves to confirm the deficiency story. This is when we want to support them to take tiny steps towards that brave thing. It doesn’t have to happen all at once.l and it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Brave is about being able to handle the discomfort of anxiety enough to do the important, challenging thing. It’s built in tiny steps, one after the other. 

We don’t have to get rid of their anxiety and neither do they. They can feel anxious, and do brave. At these times (safe, but scary) they need us to take a posture of validation and confidence. ‘I believe you, and I believe in you.’ ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can handle it.’ 

What we’re saying is we know they can handle the discomfort of anxiety. They don’t have to handle it well, and they don’t have to handle it for too long. Handling it is handling it, and that’s the substance of ‘brave’. 

Being brave isn’t about doing the brave thing, but about being able to handle the discomfort of the anxiety that comes with that. And if they’ve done that today, at all, or for a moment longer than yesterday, then they’ve been brave today. It doesn’t matter how messy it was or how small it was. Let them see their brave through your eyes.‘That was big for you wasn’t it. And you did it. You felt anxious, and you stayed with it. That’s what being brave is all about.’♥️
A relationally unsafe (emotionally unsafe) environment can cause as much breakage as as a physically unsafe one. 

The brain’s priority will always be safety, so if a person or environment doesn’t feel emotionally safe, we might see big behaviour, avoidance, or reduced learning. In this case, it isn’t the child that’s broken. It’s the environment.

But here’s the thing, just because a child doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t mean the person or environment isn’t safe. What it means is that there aren’t enough signals of safety - yet, and there’s a little more work to do to build this. ‘Safety’ isn’t about what is actually safe or not, it’s about what the brain perceives. Children might have the safest, warmest, most loving adult in front of them, but that doesn’t mean they’ll feel safe. This is when we have to look at how we might extend bigger cues of warmth, welcome, inclusiveness, and what we can do (or what roles or responsibilities can we give them) to help them feel valued and needed. This might take time, and that’s okay. Children aren’t meant to feel safe with every adult in front of them, so sometimes what they need most is our patience and understanding as we continue to build this. 

This is the way it works for all of us, everywhere. None of us will be able to give our best or do our best if we don’t feel welcome, liked, valued, and free from hostility, humiliation or judgement. 

This is especially important for our schools. A brain that doesn’t feel safe can’t learn. For schools to be places of learning, they first have to be places of relationship. Before we focus too sharply on learning support and behaviour management, we first have to focus on felt sense of safety support. The most powerful way to do this is through relationship. Teachers who do this are magic-makers. They show a phenomenal capacity to expand a child’s capacity to learn, calm big behaviour, and open up a child’s world. But relationships take time, and felt safety takes time. The time it takes for this to happen is all part of the process. It’s not a waste of time, it’s the most important use of it.♥️

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