If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.
Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.
Why do toxic people do toxic things?
Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished.
Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.
It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.
Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control.
Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic
Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.
Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.
Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.
Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.
Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.
At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.
The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.
Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.
We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.
Why are toxic relationships so destructive?
In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.
Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.
The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.
Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.
Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now.
Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.
Why are toxic people so hard to leave?
If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.
Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.
When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track.
Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.
Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other.
For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.
Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.
But they do it because they love me. They said so.
Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before.
The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.
Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.
The one truth that matters.
If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.
Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice.
Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.
Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.
The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.
When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.
There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.
The growth.
Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.
Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.
You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.
One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you.
You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.
Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots.
If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.
[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]
Thank you for this article. It has helped me examine one of those last thorny questions. Does my mom love me?
My mom labeled me as a child who “overreacts”, told me that my dad never hit me, told me is was shameful to be afraid of him, and finally told me that if anything ever had happened, it was my fault. When I confided in a trusted adult, my parents doubled down on the “overreact” narrative, and alienated me from the family.
After forty years, a fortune spent on professional help, long talks with mom, and lots of prayer, I understand that it is unlikely that mom will ever change.
And after reading this article, I can finally acknowledge, without a tear, that my mom does not love me. It does not feel like love, it feels like hurt. It has felt like hurt for years and years.
This may seem like a bad thing, this realization. And it is bad. But it is good too. Because for many years, when I have voiced “my mom does not love me”, to my spouse or friend, I have been told “of course she does!” or “she loves you in her own way”. This is to make me fell better, because of course, everyone’s mother should love them.
But in fact, these comments make me feel worse. What is wrong with me? If she loves me, and our relationship is so broken, then I must fix it. If she loves me, and it feels so bad, it must be my fault. If she loves me and she treats me this way, than I must be a an ungrateful child who deserves it. And if she loves me, and says that the abuse never happened, then did it?
The realization that my mom does not love me is freeing. It is not my fault.
And do I love her? I am not sure. I do know that if you do not love someone, it is harder for them to hurt you, and that is a good thing. I want less hurt. I want to be a better mother, a better wife and a better person. For now, I am going to ask God to love her, as God surly does, because I cannot love her enough.
For 7 years I loved someone more then myself this showed in how much weight I gained over those years. He constantly made me feel unattractive unloved and unwanted. Strung me along for 7 years knowing he never wanted to be in a relationship. He did just enough to keep me on a short leash as I basically catered to his needs and mine were never met. I was considered “friend” he never took me out always made me feel like I was unattractive and doing something wrong.I finally decided to walk away two weeks ago.He was under the assumption that even though I decided to move out that I would still pay half of the rent until May. (Not going to happen) Since I am refusing to pay rent for a residence I no longer reside in he has expressed that he will never speak to me again and has blocked my number. This kind of behavior he has done for 7 years as a way to manipulate me when I don’t do things the way he wants.Now I am left depressed and questioning my self worth and trying hard to fight through it.
Three years ago I met this guy I fell ib love with. I just moved to new country where wanted to find a job and create a life. At the beginning it was nice. We were descovering the city together, make some easy sports. Slowly we spent more and more together. That summer he brought me into mountain world..I started to like hiking as nature is beautiful. He had a mountain project and left a job for it. He conquerred Europas highest peas alone.He had a people with whom he was going to the mountains but he never involved me with these people. He was always saying nobody is hood, nobody was training properly- only him did so. Slowly he started to define my days..every free time we went to the mountains. We saw beautiful things and places and I was so happy. Our intimacy was great and like our bodies knew eachother. He started to push me to train- he said this is health. I wss looking for a job and found one in neighbour country. We talked what to do- i said I want to stay there as I can drive to work daily. So we found a flat but just before to take it he started to excuse with a job. As he was renting a room in a shared apartment, he suggested I should do the same. I said no I want my place I am too old and independent to live like a student. Then we talked what will happen if I move to another country. he ssid to find a job there and moved with me. So I found a nice flat almost under the mountains, furnished it and waiting that we start living together. He did not move but he came every weekend. Fre time we dpent in mountains and he started to push me to train every day hard. At the beggining everything went ok, but gor him I was too slow always. Hw started to humuliate me, for him I become a stupid cow, uselles and incapable of anything. He started to define my work schedule, how to communicate, how to eat…I started to loose my self esteem, confidence…the only thong he liked until the end was my cooking…I zried to please him, gave him home..but nothing was ok. We had no other people around and every time I asked why I do not meet his ftiends, he said it is irrelevant. One and a half years passed and every day together was suffering…then he presented me to his parents…not that he did it on his own but I demanded it. They day I met his parents was not nice. his parents are cold people, as him they know everything and foing everything right. They were not interested in me and I knew they are not accepting me. They did not ask anything just if I do sports. mother only thank me for doing his laundry as before he always brought it home( we borth come from same country..which is not the coutry we live in). Thw day I met his parents I realized he comes from patriarhic gamily, where love has nothing to do. Only from the outside everything needs to look perfect.
Day after we went to a hill and he broke his ribs. I wanted to take him to the fictor but he only called his mother( both his parents are doctors). She said nothing is broken but after three days he went to do rrntgen. Hw had ribs broken..which I knew already. After that we draw back to the country I lived and those 6 hours of driving were only to humuliate me, saying I am nothing, I do not know nothing. I felt devadtated. I cried but he was harder snd harder. When we arrived I took all the stuff out and made a dinner. He had his monolog further and then we went to sleep. Next 1.5 months he was with me ( he was at the sickleave) and I needed to train daily…my body and mind became tired and my results stopped. I was slower and he was more and more mean. But my love was still there for him. For him everything I did was a wadte if time…going with friends fir a ciffe was forbidden, laundy I should do once a month max- if no fresh wardrobe, he said it is better to buy. Cleaning the flat was waste of time…I was listening daily how terrible I am, stupid and crazy…this went for another two years. Then I found a better job in a city/country he lives and moved there. I thought we will live together but he kept his room in a flat share. He started to demand I train more, i learn to communicate the way he does and his family. He said this is the only right way. I nwver heard anything positive about other people from his mounth…everybody wax stupid and unhealthy. I never ft to have any place in a flat. I cooked, cleaned, worked..but I was too slow in the mountains…nothing was good for him..then beside everything else he said I am fat and uselless..he said he wants children as his parents expect 2-3 and that I am not capable of that. He was further using me in all ways and humuliating me every single second. One evening I collapsed emotionally and physically- I asked him to leave me this night alone. But he said he will not leave. He grabbed my aroung next ans started to squeezze..as he would woke up, he stopped and said he needs to stop or something bad will happen. Then he said he has the right to stay and he went to sleep. Next morning I was devastated and harldy went to work. In the evening I came home and he was gone..all his things were away. Next day we talked but nothing changed. He came to me another two months using and taking everything he could and further humuliating me. One day he said i need to find hmyself and maybe he will see in a month or a year. Then he dissapeared. He ruined me and jeopardize my life. But he does not see that..he is happy and doing what he wants further. He took everything
I need to save myself, save my job to survive. It is gard..every day is full of pain. Many times I miss him and dream he will come back. Even if I know he is not normal, even if he looks nice and sweet ftom the outside. It is hards to survive every day.
He used and abused my body, mind and heart…without regrets and only that he could advance…
Once I asked him why he decided for me since I am different- he said because of good ebergy, because of good hart and since I am sweet and nice..and that he believed he can change me. Change me to the person close to the way he is.
He isolated me from the world..he always said he is advancing in life…since he teain and is fast, he has a lot of money and can communicate….he said he does right and this is the only right way. Indeed he has a perfect body and health. Now he has friends that I never seen in 3 years…like I was only a tool for these three years…sad and painful…i hope i will manage to build my life back and have a life of joy and love
Don’t let him get to you, you’re stronger than you know!! Think about what you need to do to be and stay healthy because you need to be and stay healthy for you, it’s all up to you. No one can make the decision for you, and no one will be crying but you if you stay. Life is a gift, you deserve to enjoy it and be with someone who thinks the world revolves around you no matter what you look like!!!!!
Please leave immediately! I just turned 55 and have been disabled sixteen years. I have left a near 13 year abusive relationship. My own adult daughter that is not his I have come to realize has helped hide all he has done for over a decade. I am currently homeless. They expected me to die from complications of diabetes and starvation. It has been very hard. I have experienced abuse at two shelters froze in the streets but wouldn’t trade ever again for my peice of mind, freedom , and happiness to be me and live my life as I want enjoying my interests. I know it will get better in time. It is still better than being with someone who secretly hated me. This is the one year anniversary of his first murder attempt. He has also sent people to assault/kidnap me. Just today hooked up with DV center to help with housing. Your daughter’s attitude shows how much they care nothing about your feelings. Live for yourself there is no guilt in that! Years of your life have been sacrifed for a family that cared nothing about all you have given up to give them Peace and Happiness, IT IS YOUR TURN NOW! Contact the nearest DV center and start making your exit plan. Don’t discuss it with your family as they very obviously don’t have your best interest in their hearts. Good Luck, and Peace be with you all of your days.
May God Bless you!
‘m 50 years old, and a married woman and I am confused more than ever in my life. My mom has dementia now so I cant talk to her like I use too and I don’t have no one to talk too.
I’ve been with my husband since we were in high school, and have two daughters.
He was very abusive physically, verbally, and mentally as we were growing up as well as cheated on me many of times. I spent my years trying to do my very best on raising my daughters.
He stopped being physically abusive for about 10 years now. However, the verbal abuse still has been on going. But with me being older now I do argue back with him and will call him ugly names back and I don’t like it. I feel very mean now and feisty and I don’t want to be mean.
For a couple of years now I do not find interests with him anymore, and would like a peace of mind for the remaining years of my life. However, now that I want to call it quits he is all over me and is being super nice to me, because he knows I’m serious. I hear him crying in another room whenever we are home. I actually feel sorry for him, which is what he did all our lives together and I fell for it. But now I just want a peace of mind.
I have an old 2000 jeep so it seems that he likes for it to break down on me so that I can ask him to take it to get fixed, because he always took my cars to get fixed. But it seems that since I really want to back off with our relationship my truck is breaking down even more.
I told my daughters that I’m ready now to start my life and they are not happy with it, they told me that I’m being selfish and need to think of everyone that is in my life and especially of my two beautiful grandkids. They are not being supportive.They know of the abuse but feel like I’m too old and need to really think about it.
I stood in this relationship because of my girls and not wanting them to not have a dad. But I really feel like I can’t live like this anymore, even with him being super nice too me.
I even look at the way other men treat their spouses and admire it.
The home we live in is only under his name, because his parents signed over the house to him after they took out a huge loan. Right now I dont have the money to move, I’m only 5K in debt so I was planning on asking my daughter if I can stay with her, but since both daughters say I’m being selfish, I feel like I will be a nuisance.
I am going through menopause but I dont feel its menopause I’ve been feeling like this for a very long time.
I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do. I know you’ve seen or talked too many people in similar situations.
I would like some advise. Can you help me with giving me advise? Am I doing wrong? I dont know anyone else to turn to. Am I being selfish?
Hi. So. Here is my humble opinion… you need professional counseling. It’s really helpful when you have low self esteem, which you do. Also, don’t leave your husband, just use him for what he can give you. He gives you a home, and some form of security. I would take that and emotionally detach. Live your own life. Find your own hobbies, make new friends, join a group… do new things and become who you want to really be. Practice your own ability to ignore him, and just simply stop trying to make it work and focus on your own happiness.
Good luck.
I think a congratulations is in order: Congratulations for listening to yourself 🙂 All this time, you have been fulfilling the needs of others to the detriment of your own. You chose them over yourself. And personally, I think children need parents to think of them, but now that your daughters are old enough to fulfill their own needs, you can take that weight off your shoulders. BREATHE. It is YOUR turn 🙂
Do you have an income that will give you the opportunity to move out on your own?
Be prepared that people will be shocked at the changes you make and whilst their reactions may not be positive – in no way should you be swayed by them. Like I said: it is your turn 🙂
Once you listen to yourself and do what you need to do – positive people will surround you 🙂
I just want to say I am so sorry you are going through this and with no support. My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation and my husband has been having panic attacks because he knows I don’t want this anymore. He is also being the husband I’ve always needed. I have 3 daughters and my 2 oldest have seen how he has treated me and honestly want me to leave despite the years together because they know my health is more important. I’m still just as conflicted as you. You are not alone. You/we are meant to be loved and live happily. You are never too old to find someone to treat you right.
I’ve just read your brilliant article about toxic relationships. I set myself free but you have underlined and endorsed that what I did was so correct and right. I cannot thank you enough. I can go to sleep now a very contented and happy person. What a ⭐️ you are. xxx
I have a question. After decades of my Mother abusing me in a toxic relationship and my sister following in her footsteps, the last straw came when my husband and I purchased a house for my parents and sister to live in and they pay the mortgage. My sister brought in her daughter and now my niece brought in a dog. We did not want the dog and my parents told my husband they did not either. Next day, you know what happened. My Mother said she never said it and my sister went into her typical toxic rage on my husband. I had told him many times about this but this was his first time experiencing it. I am now done. I am so sad because this does not have to be but it has to for my own mental health. So long story short, I have read about many people telling their abusers they are quitting them but I don’t want another abusive argument. Is it best to tell them or not?
My husband is crazy. He keeps me from family and friends. Now he wants to keep me from my 1st grandchild. He just lost his son. He has bladder cancer. I cant cope anymore.
Thank you for this.
Wow. What a wonderfully inspiring and soulfully captivating article. This is honestly the best article I’ve read on Toxic Relationships in the last 5 years of trying to understand, accept and walk away from a toxic Mother and an even more toxic Partner. After reading this I feel more at peace inside of myself, and ready to move on, than I ever have before. And the timing of this I can definitely put down to a Universal Synchronicity… Thank you so much. ???
I’ve been on a two year journey of grief, gas lighting, trying to fix my toxic spouse, and then hoping she might magically change.
I’ve had the knowledge in my head about letting go for my own sake and for my children, but after 16 years of marriage, and frankly, the love I still have for her, it has been a hard lesson to learn.
Thank you for this article. It’s one tool of many of late which is helping me make the choice to step away from the toxicity and let her go. I appreciate the idea that I can step away from the toxicity, but not slam the door.
Jason, I have also been married 16 years in a toxic situation. Its the hardest thing Ive ever done to leave her because she is the love of my life. We have so many great adventures and memories. But, we only get along if I do it her way, have her opinion, treat her well. its all very performance based love on her end. I have lashed out and fought and quarreled with her constantly because I don’t like being dominated and controlled. I am not submissive yet I have found I became more and more submissive in order to find peace in our marriage. I often blamed myself for losing my temper saying and doing things I regret because I reached my breaking point so many times before. I feel bad about it still and find myself trying to make it right and heal wounds and apologize. Yet she rarely sees anything wrong with her own words or actions, rarely apologizes if ever. I even with all that being said, I still love her and when its good its great, but when its bad its hell.
I’m in the same situation. I’ve been with my high school sweetheart for over 30 years. He was physical, mentally, and verbally abusive. About 10 years ago the abuse stopped. And for the past 5 years I find no interests in him and despise him, but now he is super super nice and doesnt want me to leave. He said that I must have found someone else. This is one of his lines for years.
He cries daily and gives me my space in hoping I dont leave.
My mom has dementia now so I cannot move in with her because my sister and nephew is helping her. My daughters are upset with me and said I’m being selfish and that makes me feel guilty. But I want out now. I just dont know where and how to get up and go. I love him because I’ve been with him for many years. But I’m not in love with him no more. I’m soooo lost , confused, and want out. I dont know anymore.
I am in the same situation as you. I have an ex that just will not leave. He does things to help out but then uses that as leverage to stick around. I know it is my fault for letting him even help but there is history there. It is so hard and everyday becomes a struggle , especially when you are dealing with other things on top of it. I have said many things that I regret and haven’t been a perfect angel either but it hasn’t worked, nothing is working. He just won’t go away and let me be free.
Alone, and trapped
I was contemplating my divorce when a friend of mine said “Don’t ever let anyone compromise your own happiness”. That statement in itself stuck to me like glue and allowed me to see this for me, not to anyone’s understanding. I wish all the best to you and know you are special and important.
I am so very sorry for your broken ? I too am in a toxic relationship. I loved this article and could relate to every piece of it, every word. I have no children with this person he however has a child that manipulates and fuels his cruelness. I will keep this article and re-read and re-read as I am in the process of leaving. Not sure where to go but I just know I NEED too. I finally see him for who and what he is and most importantly I see what I allowed him to reduce me too. I deserve better.
Desperately, I have been searching for why I still love my ex wife. She “left” over two years ago and keeps returning when she falls on her face. We have 2 young children together. She essentially abandoned them. Hasn’t paid child support in over a year. now living in a homeless shelter. Recommended to after I dropped her off at a mental institution. 4 days. that was her stay. We miss her so much. And she is so cold to us. Pushing us away while shacking up with whatever man will have her. Only to ask us for help when she fails again. I have been broken so badly by her. My weakness I suppose. I do not claim innocence. I wasn’t as emotionally supportive as I should have been. We went through hard times together. I was fighting drug addiction and alcoholism when she met me. Odd thing is it was when I quit cold turkey, alcohol and drugs, went to school, she started cheating. Blatantly cheating. even after 6 years just writing about this gets me burning. How is it we can love someone so much who only means to use, manipulate, lie and hurt us intentionally. I have had other relationships since. But they aren’t her. My heart just cant allow the emotion I have for my ex wife to be there for the relationship. And sadly I have lost every one. But I am still on good terms with all of them. I guess I will never understand it. A sense of regret constantly fills me and a hope that she will call and say, Please, come get me, I am ready. what do we do with this burden of loss. How do we recover. I play strong for my kids. She doesn’t even get to visit them. unless I approve it. And usually, I wont because I know nothing good is going to come from it. I did appreciate this article and am thankful I found this site. this has been a bit of an eye opener. whats the next step to release? to overcome the fear of letting go and how do I move forward without my head down, feeling so ashamed and ugly because surely if this person who I love so much can not love me, with all that she does, No one else can. what do I do next. I am poor. cant afford counceling or insurance. But I make too much to receive any assistance. Any advice would greatly help me, I think.
Sincerely, truly broken hearted.
I am in such a similar quandary, with such similar thoughts – My heart belongs to someone very toxic and it’s purgatory… but the truth appears to be that people like you and I cannot move forward and grow all the while we are still shackled.
The article says:
Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts.
It’s the barbed wire – the relationship that hurts – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.
That’s the thing that I think you and I need to focus on …and keep tearing until the blinds fall away to let in the sunlight.
Good Luck and best wishes
The really toxic ones will say you are the love of my life at certain points aftet theyve realized they can not take out their rage and deceit of not being able to do heroin anymore and trying to break you in any way to elevate themselves while they relapse in the methadone program because I wanted the said person to go camping. They will literally ruin a whole season every season for years. I can rwmeber each time or a holiday from each season when he acted out in abusive rage becaude he is angry because he cant to heroin and abuse pills
She loved you while u were broken and couldn’t see it, now she lost herself, helping you! Love her from afar, this is her lesson to learn and yours too! Work on u! It’s super hard to watch someone fall apart, but hitting rock bottom and coming up, is the best rebirth ever! she did it for you too! That is what true love is, we don’t know what our path holds but can we hold on or not?
Wow, Great article! I was left in tears thinking this whole time I made a mistake leaving a toxic relationship. I was searching, asking my family, my friends if I made a mistake and I didn’t. I was with this guy for 6 years. From the very beginning I noticed a few red flags but I thought that it wasn’t a big deal. I noticed there was a lot of jealous from both parties, then it progressed to us both not being able to have female or male friends. We both didn’t agree on much, we had different views on life but we managed throughout the years to try to agree on things (it was really hard). As the years went on, I noticed the relationship was falling apart. We lost respect for each other, we didn’t trust each other, one kept blaming the other for doing things that we were not supposed to do. We fought all the time! Though the way he expressed his anger was humiliating, he had me controlled completely. I was so naive, so dumb to realize that this man dominated me. In the beginning like I mentioned we both treated each other equally bad. But, I noticed within the 3rd year things started to change. He started screaming at me in front of people, he would throw my things all around his room, he would call me every bad word in the dictionary. He would accuse me, disrespect me in every level possible. I know, I’m sure you are probably wondering how could I have stayed that long. Well, he had me manipulated. He had bought a house and was doing good for himself but I guess I was more interested in the materialistic aspect than the relationship. My dreams were to be married, happy, build a family. He wasn’t ready and I don’t blame him. We barely even spoke to each other when we would hang out. I was scared of even telling him about my day without him getting upset over something. He had a lot of anger issues and I guess I was trying to get past it and I didn’t realize how much he drained me. He told me I didn’t deserve to be married bc I didn’t know how to be a wife. You know the funny this is, I remember more of the bad than the good. And that says something! On the day of our 6th year together, I knew in my gut that I had made up my mind to leave him and I did. I was crying constantly. Move forward a couple months, I don’t know why I feel like I made a mistake. I had second doubts. I started reading and reading trying to find an answer if what I did was wrong. I guess I was also afraid of seeing him with another woman. But this article, made me realize that my decision was the best one I ever made. Don’t get me wrong, I’m struggling, I’m trying to keep myself distracted, hanging out with people, etc. It’s so hard trying to pick up the pieces that once were left broken covered with dust and trying to piece my life together again. I thought he was my best friend, why would he want to hurt me? I never understood. I can’t fully put the blame on him bc I made mistakes too. I just hope that in time all these feelings of anger, sadness, pity, and sorrow go away. I want to be happy, smiling knowing that I’m free. I don’t want to be crying anymore. To all of you out there in a toxic relationship: get out while you can, don’t let it progress further. The longer you stay the harder it gets to leave. Just a reminder those years that you are together, you will never get them back. I really hope that this helps someone to get out of a toxic relationship.
I am so very sorry for your broken ? I too am in a toxic relationship. I loved this article and could relate to every piece of it, every word. I have no children with this person he however has a child that manipulates and fuels his cruelness. I will keep this article and re-read and re-read as I am in the process of leaving him, well he is leaving me as he is out for himself and is cruler than ever cause he dies not need my help anymore. I finally see him for who and what he is and most importantly I see what I allowed him to reduce me too. I deserve to be happy, respected, loved and supported as do you and your children. I journal to get my feelings out and when done list 3 things I am grateful for. It helps. God Bless
One great article, very well written..
Thank you
I am selfish and have alienated all my “friends” to the point I have none. What should I do now. I live in a small town. And the entire town thinks I am a bad person. Yes, I have done some horrible things to loyal friends. To the point none of these people will take me back.
I believe my issue is control. And I need attention. If the attention is not on me or I am not winning. I lose it and burn my bridges.
I need help but don’t know what I can do at this point
I just broke up with a toxic boyfriend. Luckily it only lasted about half a year, but I was in love. It was my first ever relationship, and he was considerably older. He told me he could be an amazing, sensitive, thoughtful, generous human being, but that deep down on the inside, he was a bad guy. I didn’t believe him. I thought he was being hard on himself, and I wanted to try my hardest to prove to him that he was wrong, that he was a special human being.
So I forgave, and forgave, and forgave… each time he ignored me when I said “no”, each time he accused me of being a slut, each time he criticized my relationships, my character, my lifestyle, my choices, even my house decor! And he moved the relationship forward so quickly… even though I wasn’t ready to let him into my life, he forced himself in.
I thought it was love… maybe it was, but it built and unsteady foundation for a healthy, lasting relationship. I felt hopeful when he said he’d change, when he owned up to his kistakes and even stopped drinking! But soon little remnants of his past behavior came creeping back, and then he started drinking again… Appearing on short notice, blaming me for lots of problems.
When I started acquiring his toxicity, and I started name-calling, and being insensitive, I realized thst this had to end. I called him a coward, just to hurt him… and I enjoyed it. That’s when I knew I lost myself in this whole mess.
I still love him. I wish him the best, and I hope he untangles the knots inside himself in a healthy way.
Before me and my ex started dating it was just a sexual type of thing between us, she always wanted to go out and drink and smoke hookah. Stay at places literally until they play the last song, all my friends warned me and told me not to date her and just keep it as friends and sex, but the more we started spending time together and doing normal things I found myself starting to fall in love with her, I know realize that I was blinded by her beauty and intimate moments we had, I thought that asking her to be my Gf would eventually have her change and not do all the things she was doing wen she was single, she had told me that she just got out of a really bad relationship with her ex of 5 years, and that why shes always going out and partying to get over him. My point I’m trying to make is this person literally made me lose contact with everyone I knew and used to talk to and hang out with when we were together, she started fights with any girl that I had as a friend and blocked them on everything she could have, she said she loved being with me every second so much and that’s why she didnt want me doing anything with anyone else or being with my friends I used to go out with because she said that all they do is go out and get girls and she didnt want me doing that, the most craziest thing is that all of the things she didnt want me doing and got upset over she did them herself, she constantly had guys messaging her on snapchat, Instagram, she would post provocative photos after knowing I wasnt okay with it and said that she only does it because it helps her feel better about herself knowing that so many people like her pictures and give her compliments, she always lied to me even after I caught her and had proof of it and she still lied and then when she realized she had to say something she spun up something and would flip anything situation on me, we have a baby together and we gave been broken up now since July and all she does is go out almost every night and stays out till 4-5 am, and when I confront her about what shes doing and how shes abke to do something like that after living with me for almost 3 years and having a baby with me, she says that shes depressed and its the only thing that makes her feel better, I caught her talking to other guys before and even caught her at a restaurant with this older guy who she used to use to get money from him meanwhile she said she was with her dad out eating, I KNOW THAT I NEED TO JUST STAY OUT OF HER LIFE AND BY ME LOOKING INTO WHAT SHE IS DOING IS ONKY HURTING ME AND GIVING HER THE UPPER HAND BECSUSE SHE COULD CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT IM DOING WHICH IS BEING HURT AND DEPRESSED KNOWING SHE GOES OUT ALMOST EVERYNIGHT AND IS ALWAYS HAVING A GOOD TIME MAKING STUPID SNAPCHAT VIDOES OF HER IN REVEALING CLOTHING LIKE SHORT DRESSES AND OPEN TOPS.. but she texts me and tries to tell me that she loves me and still wants to be with me, I AM IN COMPLETE DEFEAT HERE AND EVERYTIME I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM HER AND NOT TRY TO SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING IT INKY LASTS ABOUT 2 WEEKS AND THEN SHE SOMEHOW GETS BACK INTO MY LIFE, SHES SO 2 FACED AND A PSYCHOLOGICAL LIAR AND A CHEATER! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME COMPLETELY DROP THIS PERSON FROM MY LIFE AND NOT LET THEM SLITHER BACK IN WJTH THEIR ACTS OF LOVE AND LIES OF HAVING A LIFE WITH ME
HELP!!!
My daughter is Very Toxic Person. I’ve lived with her for 3 years. And I realized just now (after reading the comments) from day 1, that she is a narcissistic, toxic person. Like father, (I left her father because of the whole wheel of abuse) like daughter. I am a fairly young looking 70 year old woman. I feel trapped, alone, lonely, isolated. While little miss wonderful is joyfully living her wonderful life. I want to leave now! Right now! But no money, no relatives. What to do?
Miserable Stella
What a wonderful article!
I do know about toxic families. I was raised in one and ran away at 17. I continued school, got my own apartment a year later and even though I “tried” keeping the door open for my mother a few years later,,,she wouldn’t listen to my terms. She continued trying to control, just as you said! So, I’m VERY familiar with your words and agree with them.
I found your article for a different, although similar reason. I have stage 4 breast cancer and my only sister started ignoring my calls. It was hard enough for any support while I went through surgery, chemo and radiation. She didn’t even want to hold my hand before surgery, but she did end up doing it for whatever reason. I heard she even cried in the waiting room because I had lost so much weight. But, that was the most emotion I’d get.
When she found out I was stage 4, at first she didn’t believe me, then it sunk in. I get that! Took me awhile for it to sink in too. But, she didn’t want to hear my fears on having to face death and the horrible way I’d die,,,,none of it.
With no sig. other,,,I was hoping she’d be there for me, but she wasn’t. I was angry with the cancer diagnosis after such a horrible battle for a year,,and now I was angry at her for not wanting to listen. She actually told me,,,,,,,she didn’t want it being her reality. I told her not to contact me anymore since that’s easiest for her and also not to come around when I’m on my death bed. I haven’t heard from her in 9 months. It hurts, but everything in me KNOWS,,,if we did start talking again,,,it would go back to the same thing it’s been all my life. Her not believing me (even when the drs. told me I had cancer), I was exaggerating. I wasn’t suppose to complain when I was so sick from 5 months of chemo and 2 of radiation! I wasn’t suppose to have my illness bring her down.
Before the cancer,,,she always questioned my truths and I was never a liar and she should know that. I was always exaggerating and oh yeah,,,,,,,,,,I was always too sensitive! “I” was the one that ran away at 17, finished school, had a job, etc. She married to get out of the house and her husband set her life up nice and cozy. I worked hard to start my own business and had it until cancer knocked on my door. I was proud of myself, but she always put me down as if she knew more about business than I did and she never had one. I just couldn’t do anything to make her proud of me!
Not even a year before I cut my ties with her, her ties with her son were cut, because she couldn’t accept his wife. Both my sister and nephews wife would get into fights and it lasted years. Now,,,they’re estranged and that means she can no longer see her 4 grandchildren. You’d think she’d SEE she was doing something wrong by loosing so many of her family, but no,,,,,,she blames her son’s wife and I’m sure she blames me for not being able to buck it up and deal with dying with grace.
This is why I found your article! Because I always loved her and it hurts when I really could use her. But,,,,,,,,,then it hits me! She was never there for me!
I’m dealing with a lot of losses and I haven’t achieved getting through them all. I lost my business, my ability to walk the way I use to (chemo gave me neuropathy), I’m even having to give up future plans. I don’t know what to even do now, because I get in a “why bother?” mood. Why bother doing this if I’m not going to be around to enjoy it? So, yes,,,,,,I’m dealing with a lot and every day it hurts to not have my sister. BUT,,,,I know that the sister I want,,,is not the one I ever had!
If it wasn’t for the cancer, this might not bother me so much since I have left toxic people behind. With tears,,,but I wasn’t letting anyone drag me down. The one that managed to make me feel small the longest was my sister. Because she’s my only sister and family really and I did know somewhere inside her, was the vulnerable side she never wanted the world to see. She comes off with a hard shell and is proud of it. But,,,I know another side of her and that’s the side I love. But, I guess she hid it well from me now too.
I worry about her when I’m gone. I don’t think the soft side of her is going to be able to deal with the guilt. I don’t think we have anyone in common that will even be able to tell her when I’m gone! But, I know her well enough to know when she does hear,,,,,,,she’s going to break and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t let anyone put their toxins in my life right now. Now more than ever! Support me or leave me alone!
I guess I need to go to a support group. I do have a few good friends, but they have their own lives and sig. others. I just have to try to let go of the pain I feel in not having my sister in my life anymore. But,,,I never really did! If I didn’t call,,,I wouldn’t hear from her for months. That kind of says it all. Logically,,,,I understand! The heart however,,,takes a bit longer to stop hurting. And I think the cure for that is finally going to a cancer support group, where people do understand.
Thank you for a wonderful article! I’m sure it will help a lot of people. I know first hand that toxic people really do keep you from living your own life fully. It hurts to let go, but it’s wonderful finding healthy people that really are LOVE! 🙂
I cut my birth family out of my life 30 years ago. The child abuser; the enabler; and the siblings who pretend there was no child abuse and imply to others that I am a liar or crazy. I can testify as to what peace and relief there is from cutting your toxic family out of your life. It was like performing cancer surgery on myself. Oh, of course, over the years, I’ve had to listen to sanctimonious preaching from “religious” types urging me to “forgive” or “reconcile.” Don’t do it. It would be like taking a piece of cancer back into your body.
Trying to leave 12+ yr relationship. Realize he was only interested in my disability check. Have run twice to be caught. NO DV HELP ANYWHERE!!! NOT NATIONAL, STATE, CITY, or COUNTY. We are alone if you want to be free plan carefully!
Oh my goodness… and breathe…
Thank you. I so needed to read this. To be encouraged to stand up for my aching heart. To stand firm. To remain silent and refuse to engage in their cries for battle. To, for the first time in my life, put me first. To put my desperate need for kindness, truth, gentleness, honesty and love before their need to lash out at me. Thank you for letting me here your words. Thank you.
It just amazes me how relationships can disintegrate into a huge, unmanageable emotional mess. Rather than deal with issues directly, my partner wants to remain blameless and pray away the turmoil caused by their bad behavior. I can wake up the next day and pretend like nothing ever happened. Problem is, the bad behavior just repeats. Pure crazyness!
I always knew i was with someone toxic but i kept making excuses even thought my gutt feeling told me otherwise. This person changed me im not the person i was before i met her, i used to be happy, i use to go out and have fun, i use to do things that made me happy, but she made me change completely, from the way i acted to way i dressed. My family knew it but i never listened. I allowed it to happen for the little “love” she showed me, she never apologized for anything she always blamed everything on me and i apologized even knowing it wasnt my fault. She never took responsibility for hurting me. She walked out on me 10 days ago, all of a sudden she tried to contact me with aggressiveness and insults but this time i was strong enough to stay away and this article just gave me more inspiration to get myself out of this. Thank you for taking the time to write this!
I was in the same boat as you buddy.Finding this page has been really helpful.I was with a women for 12 years toxic all the way. I never knew, I have never been with someone that was toxic. Did not see the signs at all. But everyone from family and friends told me she was not good a person, She had the worst crutch. She had me and everyone on broad about her pain and need for pain killers. So she was toxic and an had a bad addiction. It was like the perfect storm. I was the only one that worked she never really had a job. I payed for a lot of the lifestyle and thought that by working and doing the right things is what made me a good man. Her true colors came in for the last 8 months, I was working a lot we had 2 dogs and bills that had to be done we lived in separate places but that was something we agreed on many years ago. It made it to where we would miss each other. I normally stay with her for anywhere from 3-5 days a week. I cant tell you guys how many drugs I have paid for, endless. It was always about her and her pain and what happened during her day and how her day was so much worse then mine. I work outside in the heat, she stays in the ac most days starts problems as a way of filling her day. Always the victim, when really its about distraction. I have payed and fixed so many things that she has done and stuck up for her. So like I said in the last 8 months everything was coming out, her brother had passed away another toxic person and master at manipulating others who I think really played a roll in what she is today. I disliked him a lot and what he stranded for in life and what he did to her growing up. She was on the same level as me in terms of how we felt about him. He was a bad guy, but when he did she changed and ended up trying to be just like him, she is not as good as him at it. but to put this to rest, I did feel like I failed and what I did was not good enough and it was all my fault I drove her to cheat on me after a fight because I was never there and treated her so badly. I will give all of you the very very best advice I can. I went to a hypnotist and had a lot of my memory’s just blurred it makes it hard to remember. I still feel pain in my gut even after but my mind has gotten better with everything. there was an age gap between us and that did not help. But when I started dating her I was done going from girl to girl I wanted someone older 8 years because I wanted someone more mature and something with promise. I was 21 when I met her. Guys go and get hypnotized it will help. For me it shorted the time it would normally take. I think after reading this I think its time to write my own blog to better help people based on what I went through. best of luck to everyone. I had no kids with her or marriage. But for me I was always committed and felt married and have 2 really great pups. the pain in my stomach should get better with time. reading this page really helped me a lot. thank you for writing this article.
These stories are very similar to mine. I met someone 15 years ago I was very happy. I moved out from my mom’s house and he decided to move in with me. He didn’t pay for anything and I never asked. We decided to move to another home and he finally paid half of his share. We both have 1 child from a previous marriage. My son wanted to live with his grandmother because his friends are close to her. His son lived with his mom but he was there every other week. Things were going very well until he used drugs and alcohol. I would always tell him that he is hurting himself not me. He is very weak. His ex would call and give him heck because his son would not listen to her. I would tell him that this has nothing to do with me. I loved his son but then when he would be with us he would treat me badly. I decided I was going to leave him. So the day he went fishing for a week I called a moving truck and got my things out. I moved back with my mom. When he came back he called me crying. I felt sorry for him but I didn’t want to go back home. We decided to give it another try but it’s been 15 years up to today that nothing has changed. We moved to another home and for the first 4 years it was great until he decided to have his son move in completely this was not good. My son lived with his grandmother and his son was going to move in. His son finally decided to move back with his mom and I haven’t seen him since. But I hear him talking to him everyday always complaining. His ex calls and says she can’t take it anymore he’s driving her nuts. He keeps telling me he wants to move out and he constantly fights with me. He is still using drugs and alcohol. I am so sick of this situation. He puts me down. I am the kind of person who doesn’t care what people say so this doesn’t bother me anymore. It used to. But it’s been so long I just don’t care anymore. I just want him to leave and I am patiently waiting for that day to come so I can move on with my life. So I don’t have to hear or see him anymore. Any suggestions as to what I should do in the mean time..
I have been married to my abusive husband for 19 years. He was a wonderful boyfriend so I married him. When I became pregnant after two years of marriage, he started being emotionally and verbally abusive. Over the years, he has said many cruel, demeaning things. I fought back for awhile, but he retaliated by becoming physically abusive. I have become so accustomed to his putdowns that I can now hide the hurt I feel inside. I am clinically depressed and experiencing other health problems, which my doctor says were either caused by stress or exacerbated by it. He says my home life is toxic. I have to leave my husband for my mental and physical wellbeing. Unfortunately, my spouse is also my employer. He pays me very little and I have no money in savings. He keeps only $20 in our joint bank account so I have no access to any other money. I guess I’ll go to a women’s shelter for assistance. I’ve tried to find a job, but in this small community, everyone knows my husband and my situation. Many like my husband and don’t realize what he is like. Those who do know don’t care to get involved. I have no family to help me. My friends are limited as to what they can do for me as well. I am in an unfortunate situation.
Please reach out to your local women’s shelter. They will be able to give you the guidance you need. You deserve to feel safe. Love and strength to you.
I now have been separated from my sons father for almost 2 years, we were young and fought a lot about stupid things, we both knew separation was the only way to resolve our problems, I moved out and have just been living life as best as possible, we still talk and when he ended a relationship with his ex last summer we started hanging out and talking again, It was until yesterday that I decided to cut ties with him, he cheated, lied and never wanted a future with me when we were together and even after I have helped him through every problem he has had, I like to say he likes to keep me on the side for when he needs me because in all reality, he only talks to me when he needs something, I always thought we would one day make it work but he has since been seeing someone else, now that I told him I am going to cut communication (unless its about our child) he seems to not even care while I’m in total heartbreak, is it best that I walk away now and let him be?? I honestly keep thinking I will never find love again but just want to make sure I am doing the right thing, I realized he will never change, well not for me at least, he will only change for the person he wants to be with and I know now that is not me, he never supported me in any way from the beginning. Should I keep contact or move on??
This was super helpful! In my case, it is with a sibling, whom I went to visit in a crisis, and was considering being involved in her cancer journey. I now feel like I have a broken heart. I may be open to her calling into therapy sessions. I have worked for 25 years on my recovery and now that I am relatively whole, I can’t tolerate situations that do anything but support this. Odd how the old templates still exist. How it is tempting to plug back in to the ineffective communication and taking on projections of the others own pain. so, so, so sad. Really painful.
Toxic family is difficult. They all say I am the toxic one but I am the one that moved across the country to get away from the toxins. So my question is would a toxic person ever leave the relationship (my guess is no unless they were no longer able to discourage the non-toxic)?? My leaving the family drama should speak to my situation to say I’m the non- toxic. Please help I’m so confused. I have many specific examples of the lying and manipulating and don’t know if any examples of me lying and manipulating and trying to control any of them.
I’m here as looking up toxic relationships. I’ve been with mine for 7 yrs, I’m nearly 50 now and fell in love, most of time together is like best friends the best intimacy still now,he has lived with me all this time and contributed nothing financially leaves jobs, had 2 strokes, I’m his world, but he is fueled with porn and looking at girls on his Facebook and girls we have just met, my jealousy’s had grown , but was always told it’s in my head, I lost my career too breaking down when I discovered he was trying to hook up on a dateing site, but he was just looking, that’s all , so there has been a few splits and always is big deal what he looks at , he isn’t fucking anybody, so I cried a lot payed the bills always helping. He went in too a deep depression and started too smoke synthetic weed , for the last year, have tried everything to make him stop, been too the dr,s antidepressants and seeing a councillor that I pay. Threaten him so many times that if he keeps it up he has too go, forgotten how many times I’ve said that,as also I’m a fifo worker who then comes home too clean the mess as his day it sitting on you tube, redtube , Facebook.im at work and my sisters best friend hung her self , the funeral was mon and tues she got a call her ex hung him self my brother in law of 20 yrs, so being in another state and remote is extreme. So my other half is whacked out fallen over cracked his head , slurring etc , very worried as seen this many times but unsure if he has had a stroke, I called a ambo to go and check but refused too go too the hospital. My work is getting me home so I can go too my sister , and I’m buying him a ticket for him too fly back too his state , but he has no money no we’re too go his family aren’t willing too help him , but it’s time for me to be happy because I love him so much but I’m sad all the time
I’m in a toxic relationship and I am a male. I get physically abused, I never hit back, I know what I’d be capable of doing if I did, but I always get threatened to have the cops called on me. I get bullied and bossed around. Tonight I had a cigarette put out on my neck. My other half is an alcoholic and the last few months, I know is on drugs. She quit her job 2 months ago and doesn’t do anything, no housework, cooking, laundry, or anything. I been in a relationship for 11 years, have 2 great children, but every month it keeps getting worse. She wrecked her car leaving the bar and 2 nights later was back at the bar doing the same bullshit. She won’t leave and won’t let me leave either. I live in a small town in a small state. I have a great job I love and it pays better than 95% of the jobs in my county. Only problem is, I’m responsible for 1/4 of the state with my job and it would be tough to get another job like the one I have and wouldn’t be able to walk away leaving the organization in disarray. I notice there is not much advice online for men in my situation. The last month or so, I been opening up to my parents about what I go through, and Im the type of person to keep my problems to myself. I’m embarrassed to talk about my problems with people. I know they are there for me and I would gladly sacrifice everything I have to just leave this relationship/situation, move in with my folks till I got back on my feet and start over, but I worry about my children. I’m white male, kids and mom are enrolled in a Native American tribe, so there is absolutely no way I would get custody of the kids and I feel My influence is the only way they can make something of their lives. If I left, I fear they would turn out like their mom. I’m lost, wasting my life, being unhappy, waiting for the kids to be old enough to not have to live with her by themselves. Only thing in my favor is I never got married, not that I didn’t want to at some point, but I’ve always knew marriage with us would be a mistake. I don’t know if anyone has any suggestions or advice for me, but it felt good to write this out anyways. Times are changing, I don’t think I’m the only male in this country being abused or in a toxic relationship and I feel it is only going to get worse with the current generation.
We met in a meeting. After that she just started showing up. Setting meetings to walk and talk. Kind conversations. Very caring girl. After about a month I made a move. That’s when I found out she’s in a 10-year relationship. Shortly thereafter, I found out I’m male friend #4. I think her boyfriend moved her away from the others. One of them may have involved some level of infidelity. She has refused to marry him, and I suspect her relationship with his is one-sided in his favor. Unfortunately, she has always repressed her feelings. She knows I love her, and I believe she wants to leave a relationship that was over long before we met. I think she has a real confidence problem because of what he has put her through. A man knows when a woman loves him. He can feel it. She loves me, but she’s too honorable to make a mistake. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but the truth is we are such a powerful match on so many levels. We have so little time together. I know she would be the loving, caring person I’ve always wanted if she was just free of him. It destroys her whenever I speak of stepping away from it. I’m not sure how much longer I can wait. I have no power in the relationship. We talk when she can, and only when she can. This is not what I expected when I decided to put myself out there again.
I’m in an 2 year marriage that is an emotional wreck
This article is so good and so helpful !
The toxic people I am dealing with are my parents. Its been 9 years since I’ve lived with them I now live clear across the country from them, but I still can’t seem to get out of my own head. All the years of being compared to my older brother and always falling short. Every emotional breakdown or anxiety attack being labeled as me being jealous of my brother. I’ve been punched in the stomach for playfully poking my dad in the side. He nearly cracked my skull open one day when he came home from work in a bad mood and I, being a teenager, screamed at him when he jumped on the tv remote until the batteries exploded because I had the tv on when I was grounded.
I joined the military as soon as I graduated high school and am still treated like a child that can’t do a thing on their own. Berated and put down for every decision I make. All ‘failures’ and choices they don’t agree with is constantly thrown in my face as they shake me by my shoulders. Constantly guilt tripped for not calling or visiting as much as they liked. I started a family of my own and when I got out the military we moved closer to my husband’s family rather than my own.
They berated my taste in men saying I should have married a military officer, rather than the man I love who loves me for me. I’m worried they are going to try to warp my baby boy’s mind into trying to help them force me to move back home. They have fully admitted that they don’t believe I can survive without them and constantly demand that I and my son move back home. They want nothing to do with my husband.
They are so deep in my head that I’m guilt tripping myself for even thinking of cutting them out. I’m scared the rest of the family will side with them and cut me out completely andI’m talking over 30 people on my mother’s side alone. My anxiety is through the roof and I am beyond stressed out. My husband is letting the decision to cut them out be mine and mine alone as well as how we go about it. I have no idea what to do or how to do it, but I know my sanity can’t take much more. I have anxiety attacks just from the thought of calling them let along visiting them. My husband and mother-in-law are doing what they can to help me with the anxiety, but even they can only do so much.
And I know there are so many people who are in worse situations than me.
Free yourself. Love should feel like love and the most important family you have is the one you make. So free yourself, you are entitled to a happy and healthy family
Kayla, the one thing I learnt a while back is: there are no rules in these situations. We have to do what is best for us – and this is most important when we have children to care for. Metaphorically speaking: we need to be a healthy tree to have healthy branches.
I withdrew contact from my entire family 10 years ago. It has not been easy. Unfortunately, people who haven’t been in a heavily abusive relationship are often not that supportive of ‘leaving a family’. It is an unwritten law to be Loyal to your family/parents. But that law has the fine print of: this is only for good parents who respect their kid’s safety and well-being. Parents who inflict pain and torture on their kids – physically, mentally, etc – do not have the right to loyalty. Your anxiety is very normal. Stopping contact with your parents is new and new behaviour is always scary. My advice is to do it. Do that new behaviour. Ride through the guilt by writing and reading mantras that spell out why you are doing this. Know that you did not deserve how your parents treat you and you are putting an end to it. You are an adult now. You can speak up and you can walk away. Last bit of advice: seek counselling to help you through this change. A good counsellor will support and validate you. Something good parents are meant to do. Good luck!
I was in a similar situation. Terrified, but had to do what was best for my health, sanity and well-being, so, ultimately, I can be the best person and parent I can be for my children. It is really scary, hard and overwhelming. It is still on my mind often, and I feel guilty, sad, and grieving for what couldn’t be despite my best efforts, but I never regret the decision. It was brave, safe, and the right choice for myself and my family. Sending you so much support!
Kayla,
I totally relate. I waited much longer than you to realize that I had to get out of the relationship with my parents. I was away from home, on my own, for 20 years before I understood how much my parents were hurting me.
It is very hard to walk away from your family, especially your parents.
Find the people in your life who uplift you, your husband and children. Cling to them.
If your parents treat anyone in your home differently and it is clear that it is intentional, don’t tolerate it. I don’t accept packages or anything from my parents anymore. I just send them back. If your parents want to visit, and you can emotionally stay happy in allowing it, find a place to meet them (not your home). That way, you are free to leave if anything gets toxic or uncomfortable.
Finally, define how you need things to be if you are to have a relationship with your parents. If you want a relationship with you enough, they will decide to change things. Leave them the opportunity to improve things.
Otherwise, even though it won’t stop coming to your mind, you need to give yourself a better life and be happy. You will be able to be a better wife and mother if you don’t seek your parents approval.
I have several ladies who I look to as mothers because of the way my birth rite mother treats me. You can find women like that too.
Stay strong! You are worth it. You are loved. You are a good and deserving person!
Kayla-
I am so sorry. I feel your pain.
Your last line resonated with me “there are so many people who are in worse situations that me.” For years I felt the same way, and it is true, there are people in worse situations that me, just read the newspaper. However, that does not change the fact that my dad was abusive (and it sounds like your dad might have been abusive as well).
Take care of yourself and love yourself. Surround yourself with people who love and respect you. Parents can me imperfect, they cannot always love you the way that they should. If parents are abusive (or look the other way and enable abusers), that is not love, that is abuse.
I appreciate this article and all of the comments. It helps having reassurance from others that your not a lone.