Where the Science of Psychology Meets the Art of Being Human

11 Breakup Survival Tips (That Don’t Involve Positive Thinking)

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Breakups are as much a part of the human experience as a breathing oxygen and not licking cactuses. It’s actual science that going through a breakup does the same thing to your body as withdrawal from an addiction, activating the part of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings.

As well as this, emotional pain triggers the same pathways in the brain as physical pain. 

That’s the bad news. The good news is that it will get better. 

If you’re going through a breakup now you’ll probably want to file that under ‘B‘ for ‘But you don’t get it – no-body has ever lost like I’ve lost.’  Yes. It’s highly possible that humankind is unfamiliar with the level of wretched misery you’ve fallen to now, but read on anyway, because the ugly truth is that the only way through a breakup is straight through the middle. Here’s how to start with that:

  1. Don’t make any big decisions.   

    Tattoos, relationships, work and cutting off your locks. It might seem seem like a good idea to get ‘Just Breathe,’ or ‘Live Life‘ tattooed in times roman 120pt on your forearm but seriously, if you need these sort of reminders so badly as to have them embedded into your skin, then you’re in no position to be making life-lasting decisions. They might all turn out to be great decisions one day, but make them when Rhianna stops singing ‘Love the way you lie’ in your head. ‘Just gonna stand there and watch me bu…’ Don’t. Just don’t.

  2. Unfriend him (or her) on Facebook.   Do it right now. We’ll wait.

    He’s not going to be posting sad faced ‘missing you’ selfies from the places you used to go – and anything else, you don’t need to know about. Keeping up the follow will swallow you whole. The only reason to have him there is to check he’s not getting on with his life too happily without you. He will be. So will you, without him, just as soon as you stop the Facebook stalk. If you’re going to keep him friended, just rip your heart from your chest, hand it over and tell him to squeeze. It will hurt a lot less.  

  3. Exercise. Just not at the gym he goes to. At the same time he goes there.

    Possibly the only exercise you’ll feel like doing is hurling ‘that’ photo of both of you across the room but if you can manage something more active (though perhaps less cathartic) you will feel better afterwards. Cortisol, the stress hormone, will be making itself at home inside you. One way to take the fire out of cortisol is to exercise. Exercise will also stimulate the brain to release endorphins (the feel good chemicals) and you’ll already be short on them so you’ve got nothing to lose. You don’t have to work up a sweat – going for a walk will do. A caveat though: If the activity involves walking slowly past his house or climbing up the stormwater pipe to get a look into his window, it doesn’t count as exercise. It counts as stalking. 

  4. Get rid of texting capacity if you’re going to have a drink. A couple of drinks won’t make you Shakespeare. They just won’t.

    Alcohol is a depressant, so if you’re on a downhill slide it’s best to stay away from it. If you are going to have a drink though, protect yourself at all costs from the temptation to drunk text. You’re human. You’ll want to. But don’t fall for the courage that comes in a bottle of decent pinot. It’s been fed by slightly hammered wisdom and it won’t end well. Never. Ever. Just give your phone to a friend you trust and tell her to feed it to a pack of wolves before even thinking of giving it back to you. Unless you’re totally – totally – sober. You won’t need to explain why. She’ll get it. 

  5. Connect with friends and family. 

    The real ones. Not the ones who you haven’t heard from since the last crisis. The real ones who will sit through ‘Love Actually’ with you for the 37th time and eat microwaved Indian from the dodgy plastic container it came in last night because you used the last clean plate three days ago. One of the reasons a breakup hurts so much is because it messes around with the primal need to be connected to other people. You might not be able to be with the one person you want to be with, but spending time with your tribe will feed the human need for connection and will bring a much needed boost of oxytocin (the happy hormone) you’ve been missing. And those real friends? On the way out the door they’ll pop the dishwasher on before telling you they’ve organised for both of you to do salsa dancing classes to get you out of the house. Don’t argue. Just go. There’s a good chance you’re starting to smell like a week-long temper and it will only get worse.

  6. Give your bedroom a bit of a reno. And get some sleep.

    Buy new sheets, new pjs and new scented candles for your bedroom – nothing that reminds you of him. Get rid of anything that makes you think of what you’ve lost. And then remind yourself that you haven’t lost it because it wasn’t there. Otherwise he would be too. Shake away those sepia dusted images of the two of you at your almost-but-not-quite spring wedding staring longingly at each other or the buffet. Keep your ‘OMG My Wedding Yay’ Pinterest board though. It will still come in handy one day. If you want it to. It just won’t be with him – and that will be okay, you’ll see. And stop falling asleep on the couch in your day clothes. 

  7. Eat Healthy. Or don’t. Whatever. Just don’t keep it going for too long.

    You’re doing it tough.  You’ve got enough to worry about – you don’t need to get sick on top of everything else. Give your body what it needs to function. Eat healthy and eat regularly. Of course, the occasional crowd-pleaser bucket of fried chicken won’t hurt. Everything in moderation. Or in a delicious crunchy coating.

  8.  He’s gone. He’s not coming back. But you are.

    Every breakup survival needs a breakup comeback. When the time is right, plan for yours. Do something you wouldn’t have done while you were with him – and no – that doesn’t mean hooking up with Russell, the 40-something from accounts with the earring and gold bracelet who threw you a cheesey line at office drinks. He’s not the only man to own a guitar and being able to play the first four bars of The Simpsons doesn’t make him a musician. Leave Russell where you found him – possibly texting Shona, Shaniqua and Shaniya – and instead learn Italian, cook French, buy new lingerie (with you in mind, because you deserve it), plan a girls trip to Morocco – or if you’re budget’s gasping for breath, a girls’ trip to Target for your new lacy knickers will do fine.

  9.  Don’t meet up for coffee as friends. Actually, don’t do anything as friends.

    There is nothing in this ‘let’s be friends’ thing for you. No doubt you’re a mature, emotionally together lady-human who can deal with this just fine, and deal with it you will … until he wants to introduce you to his new friend Sally – ‘Sal’ – the pilates instructor who snacks on kale and beetroot juice and drops a quick line about the movie they saw last night together. Together. As in, to-geth-er. Rational heads don’t necessarily follow broken hearts. There. I said it. So when they go to the movies, you (quietly) go to ‘What. A. Jackass. Did I ever really know him no I don’t think I did because we’ve been untogether for three months now which is practically five minutes in breakup years and now he’s watching movies with some girl and that can only mean that they’re shagging and she says his name like they’re practically engaged and I can’t believe this did he ever really care about me at awwwwwwlllll?’ Sound familiar? Nope? Well maybe just me then. At any rate, you loved him once remember. And he loved you. It’s hard to go backwards from that.

    If you can take the dignified high road and forgive and forget and be friends, good for you, but you might be heading for trouble. You’ve been there. Done that. Nothing to gain from doing it again. In this sort of relationship, someone will always want more. And it probably won’t be him – especially if it’s only been weeks since he was outta there. If he is the one that wants more, then still ‘no’. A few weeks is never enough for him to ”find himself’.  He’s not a remote that slipped behind the couch. It’s never that simple. Never.

    Of course, if you have kids together you will have to stay on friendly terms (at least in front of the kids). It might not be easy but you’re a woman who will always love your kids more than you’ll want to hate any man so you’ll be fine. You’re phenomenal. And that’s why you’re his loss. Remember that.

  10.  Look for what it can give you.

    Sometimes when you’re down it’s because there’s something down there you’re meant to find. As part of your breakup survival, look for the gems. What can you learn? Why did you choose the relationship? What’s the wisdom that’s left for you when everything is said and done? Everyone comes into our lives to learn from us or to teach us. What have you learnt? The fact that it’s over doesn’t mean it wasn’t important. It just means it’s run its course and it’s no longer the right one. Use it as a step up to the one that is.

  11.  You only have to get through today.

    Don’t think too far ahead. It still has the imprints of you and him with your perfectly behaved children, that spring wedding and you running that marathon (actually, keep that one – just don’t have him at the finish line ready to receive you and your gazelle-esque stride). Just don’t go there. Unless it’s to make real plans for something fun. You only have to get through today. You can deal with tomorrow when it gets to you. Just put one foot in front of the other and it will get easier. Promise.

Above all else remember that the path to wisdom and a happy life is often littered with shards of broken hearts, including our own. And keep going. You’ll get there. 

What are your breakup survival remedies? Let us know in the comments below …

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100 Comments

QueenBee

8 months on from my break up and I’m still trying to remain positive. It’s hard tho. 12 yrs together and 3 daughters. To cut a long story short. He left our family to get with the 18yr old neighbour. They had an affair for a year before this. That didn’t last long and so multiple girls have come and gone since then. It doesn’t help that he lives 2 streets away from me. I literally can’t get away from him. I’ve done the whole no contact etc. I’ve become quite good at self control when it comes to my ex. But i long for the day I wake up and I feel fine. I’d be happy with fine. The thing I don’t understand is why I still ache and cry sometimes even tho its definitely over. Cliché as it sounds I finally know my worth. I have great friends and family who listen to me vent. Guess time is the only thing that’s going to help me heal.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

It’s so understandable that you would still be hurting. You had a long life together and even though the relationship grew apart and you know in your heart that there is something more loving and nurturing for you, you would have shared many wonderful memories in your time together. It can take a while to move forward from that but you will – you absolutely will. You are strong, wise and you have people around you who obviously adore you. Stay strong and keep moving forward. Love and healing to you.

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Sara

I apologize in advance for the length of this, but it’s complicated, to say the least. I, like so many others here, am brokenhearted. I was with my ex for nearly 6 years, he proposed to me December 2015 and we were set to be married October 29, 2016. I thought everything was perfect, I had the dress, the venue, we bought a house, all I had to do was finalize the details and countdown to the big day. Then, at the end of June, he said those fateful words “we need to talk.”

I thought it was about the house or something mildly disappointing, but something I could handle. Little did I know he was about to drop a bomb on me and shatter my heart as well as my dreams. He told me at first that he had some concerns about the house and finances, then about my happiness because I’d be living away from my family (3 hours), which I’d never done, and then he proceeded to tell me that he loved me and cared for me, but the love he had for me was like that of a family member, not a lover. My heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, I couldn’t understand this. He had just surprised me with a trip to Hawaii 6 months prior and proposed shortly after that…how can this be?! I asked him what that meant and he said he felt like we’d lost our spark a while ago. I thought we were doing great, even though we weren’t hot and heavy like we were in the beginning, but we were in our 5th year together, that’s understandable. So I asked him if he wanted to end things and he said no, he wanted to work on things, try to get the spark back.

I researched like a crazy person, knowing we weren’t the first to go through this, and tried to reassure him that long term relationships ebb and flow in passion, we can take a break, do exciting things, follow the steps these articles suggested, etc but it didn’t take long for me to realize I was the only one fighting.

The entire month of July was agony for me, just sitting in limbo, not sure whether to proceed with wedding plans. He eventually told me some more disturbing news, he’d been considering breaking up with me as far back as 2012 when he first felt the spark fade, but I was diagnosed with MS in 2012 and he felt I needed someone more than ever. He also said he felt like he didn’t get “enough out of his system” in his college years and felt that if he didn’t get it out before we got married, he would probably cheat on me. Oh, and he doesn’t know what true happiness is because he hasn’t been happy since he was a teenager and just never got professional help. I mean, the spark is one thing, but all this other stuff, I was not qualified to handle all of this. I suggested therapy multiple times, he brushed it off, stating that the therapist will only try to make him happy with his circumstances instead of working on changing them or something like that.

Long story short, I knew the inevitable was coming, I just wasn’t willing to be the one to do it. Finally, on July 31, 2016, he “came to a decision,” and made our breakup official. I knew it was coming, but I was beyond crushed. He was my life for almost 6 years, we’d traveled the world together, he’d been my rock in the bad times, we were about to start a life, a family together, how could this be possible?

As hard as it was to accept, I took the punches as they came to me, I started rebuilding my life on August 1, 2016 and slowly started to feel myself getting back to normal. I had my days, but those are to be expected. I felt stronger everyday. Then, a week ago, the wind was knocked out of me again…

A mutual friend on Facebook (the ex and I are no longer FB friends) saw that he was already in a relationship with a new girl. At first, I was just mad, how could he already have moved on before our wedding date even passes?! How can he sow his wild oats by jumping into another relationship?! How can he give up everything for someone 11 years younger than him?! But the more I thought about it, the more it festered and I started Facebook stalking this girl, trying to find out everything I could about her. That only made it worse because I found out that they were already together at least by Labor Day which was barely a month after we broke up, so either he was cheating or just able to move on really fast. Neither scenario made me feel good.

Devastated. Crushed. Shattered. Just to name a few. I already had so many unanswered questions and now I have a million more. I know I’ll never get the answers to these questions because we aren’t in contact and I know if I contact him about this, I won’t feel any better. I was so proud of the progress I’ve made, but the news of his new girlfriend has set me back farther than I thought it would, maybe even farther back than the initial breakup.

I know it’s still early in my healing process, but I don’t really know where to go from here. I appreciate articles like this one and the comments because it helps me realize I am not alone in this fight, even though I feel like no one could ever hurt as badly as I do right now, but I guess we all feel that way in the thick of it. Thank you for your inspiring articles, I know I’ll make it out of this, it just seems near impossible right now.

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Karen - Hey Sigmund

You’re so welcome Sara. I know the pain is still raw but it will get better. There is a happier version of you and your life waiting for you. There really is. One day this will make sense. For now, take the time you need to heal gently. It will get better. Love and strength to you.

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Tong

It’s OK, Sara. You are not alone. Just as Karen says, new happier life is waiting for you.
I am in this fight too. Feels like don’t want to live anymore. There is a guy took away all my hopes and plans for the future.
It will be OK, let’s fight together.

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Sara

Thank you for your kind words! Thankfully, I’m doing really well now, although I do have my days. But thanks to new friends, therapy and my doctor prescribing me a mild antidepressant, I’ve made wonderful progress. And I’m to a point where I realize that I didn’t lose something, I dodged a huge bullet and gained so much more. Hang in there, we got this!

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Sairy

Sara thanks so much for sharing that actually sounds super tough. if you ever need to talk to someone I am here.. I’m a stranger but I can totally relate to your feelings. You can email me Sairy.demesa@gmail.com, i would also be interested in your progress.

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Catherine

Sara,

Reading this felt like I was watching my own life play out. I’m reliving your story exactly a year later. We were set to get married on October 28, 2017 and this June, he moved back from school and I realized something wasn’t right. Fast forward and we’re both in therapy individually, but also in limbo and I feel like I’m waiting on him to decide what he wants. Luckily, he’s interested in couple’s therapy, we just haven’t started it yet.

I lost my breath reading your story. We’ve been together for 8 years and engaged for 2. I gave the ring back to try and lessen the pressure, but things just got worse. I’ve been in a daze for the past month. Just trying to take it one day at a time. We’re still living under the same roof, which is even harder. Thank you for sharing your story. It made me realize that I’m not the only one going through this.

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Sara

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I don’t know where you are at in the journey currently but I hope things work out for you. And I know it sounds cliche, but if it doesn’t, just know you’ll get through this. As someone who just hit the year mark, I can promise you that. Please let me know if you’d like to talk, I’m here anytime!

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Jolee

Reading all of these comments makes me feel so much less alone. Sometimes, you get so in your head, you swear you are the only one who has ever felt this bad and surely you will die from it because no one can reach you or help you. I thank you all for your kind words and the helpful articles and Sara, I send you love and hope and strength. You WILL get through this.

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Sara

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s definitely not something I would wish on anyone. I’m not sure how you’re feeling these days, but consider talking to your doctor about an antidepressant. I’d never been on one and was afraid to start one because I didn’t want to be numb, but I’m not and it has done wonders for me. Also, not sure if you’re a spiritual person, but reconnecting with God and keeping a journal has been a big help for me too. I’m no expert, still pretty new at all this, but I’m here if you ever need anything. Hang in there, you will get through this!

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Monika

Hey am also sinking in the same ship. Ya lets be strong nd fight together. Just dnt let anyone take you for granted.

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Annie

Me too….
I was only with my boyfriend (in our 50s) for 6 months but it was 6 months of him spoiling me, taking me to amazing places and I felt like a Princess. Sadly I finished just before Christmas as it was almost too much too soon (my husband had left me after 30 years in May 2016) I regretted it after a week but he had already met someone else and has chosen to try things with her. Im heartbroken for the 2nd time in a year. The only good news is, I thought I would never get over my husband and , obviously managed to quickly. Good Luck all of you x

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Jacquie

Reading this article and the follow up replies has been helpful but I am still so devastated. I had been married 28 years to a narcissist and ended my marriage by my choice. I spent over a year in therapy and did not even attempt to date until I felt I was in a good place. Met a guy on a dating website and from the get go we seemed to hit it off. He had three kids from his prior marriage. He and his ex do not get along but he is a great dad and does not speak poorly of the mom to the kids. He told me after we were together for a little while that I was the kind of person he could see spending the rest of his life with. Fast forward 9 months and he unexpectedly ends things with me. Says that we are very different from each other. I know we have our differences as far as him being more conservative than me and some world views, but I thought we a lot alike as far as our core values, family, etc. He also said his kids have been having a hard time with his ex and he feels guilty being happy when they are so unhappy. He says his kids are all he knows. I have never been anything but supportive of him and he would agree with that. His ex and mine do come up with us during conversations sometimes but mostly when they interfere in our lives. He said he does love me and he has not been thinking about ending this relationship until last week. I am blindsided by this. We don’t argue and these issues of us being different have never come up before. I did not rush into this relationship and waited over 6 months before telling him I loved him because I wanted to make sure. Well, I am sure and now I am heartbroken. I did not feel like this when my marriage ended. I have not contacted him and fortunately he is not on social media. I know right now I would go back with him in a heartbeat if he wanted to but I also know something would have to change. I am trying to keep busy but all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch tv. I am only eating because I know I have to. The sadness is overwhelming me and I pray that time will heal this.

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Sairy

I’ll pray for you all. I’m glad you’re eating at least. Do it for yourself. Call friend and talk their ear off if you have to. I find that really helps

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Jacquie

Thank you for your kind words. I am doing much better now. Time, friends, meditation and therapy have helped.

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Paul

Ok to start with all tell you all that I’m a man. Finding articles for guys is so it seems a lot harder. But if I may tell you my story.

I met her in Nov 2012. By Nov 2013 she asked me to move in with her. By August 2016 we were married. Eight and a bit months later here I am posting on here.

We split up because she loved me but is not in love with me. I’m completely and utterly heart broken. In the few years together I developed a family. Her family but all the same they all became mine. My stepson had two beautiful children. They call me grandad and I love them like my own. I’ve lost them also. All I want to do is love my wife and for her to love me back. I accept that she no longer does but I’m falling apart and as hard as I try I can’t see a light ahead. She’s already erased me from her life. I know she’s very upset and sad for the pain she’s caused me as she has told me but her life is moving forward and mine has died. I now live in a caravan miles away from all those I love. I’ve lost everything. I genuinely don’t know what to do.

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Jacquie

Hi Paul, I am really sorry. I know you are devastated and right now your world is upside down, not just because of losing your wife but also her family. I have been there. Please try to get some therapy if you can, you need to get all of your feelings out to someone who can help to guide you to a better path. I too thought that I would never be able to get over the heartache and pain but by taking baby steps and going day to day, I have gotten much better. Still not totally over it but much better. Therapy, friends, meditation (try a great meditation app called “Insight Timer”) and keeping busy have all helped. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Better to keep some distance from your ex, she is not going to give you the answers you want. In time you may see that this was for the best. You deserve to be loved the way that you love. You are not alone, try to remember that.

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Gina

Thank you so much for sharing your words of wisdom. It’s just what I need to hear right now. My partner of six years has just left me and our one year old son. Late last year he told me he wasn’t happy and felt we had “lost our connection”. I asked him if another woman was involved to which he adamantly said no. Things deteriorated over the following weeks and he moved out. I was beyond devastated. I felt like I had so many unanswered questions. How could he just end things so abruptly without debate, discussion or explanation?! I didn’t accept it and managed to get him to come to counselling with me. I really felt like the counselling was working, he appeared to be opening up and said he wanted to get things back on track. We had been doing counselling for over four months and during that time he gradually moved back in. I told him I didn’t want him to move back in permanently unless he was 100% committed. He was back in permanently for three weeks when he sat me down and told me he had been seeing someone else and had feelings for her. It’s over. I feel so incredibly betrayed, hurt, rejected and alone. The whole time he was supposedly working on rebuilding our relationship he was seeing someone else. I don’t know how I’m going to get over this.

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Kim

I have been dating my best friend for 4 years . He took in my oldest daughter as his own. We got married almost 2 years ago. Well 3 weeks ago he leaves and says he wants a divorce. I have 3 kids with him. I was a stay at home mom. I was madly in love with him, it kills me that we are getting divorced this fast. I don’t understand how ppl can just wake up and be done? I’m ready to be okay. I’ll always hope he wants to come back but at the end of the day I know he won’t. 5 years and 3 kids. Now it’s just me….

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Sammy

My fiance dumped me overnight after a petty argument a month ago. I was in shock. Then I realized that he was just waiting for a chance to do it and found the opportunity. We were together for 1.5yrs and I was single for 4yrs before him. It’s been devastating. I feel alone and unwanted. It’s been a month and I haven’t started feeling better. I barely sleep, I barely eat, and getting through each day is a constant struggle.

I really loved him and supported him in anything he did. He threw me away like trash. And now I’m stuck in a new neighborhood, having panic attacks so I can’t drive more than 3 miles, and no friends nearby. I don’t even have a family to turn to. I just want to curl up in a ball and die so I don’t have to feel this heartbreak and loneliness anymore.

I’ve tried new hobbies and none of them are appealing. I used to love cooking, but now knowing that I’m cooking for one it makes me cry so I don’t cook anymore. I tried going to a bar just to find some karaoke entertainment and that didn’t work. I felt more alone being surrounded by drunk strangers. I tried exercising, but not eating and sleeping made it too exhausting to keep it up. I just want this pain to end and nothing is working.

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ACM

Sammy I am going through this now, I’d love to know how you’re doing now a few months later

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Sammy

I am getting a little more sleep, but that’s the only improvement. I’ve watched all the YouTube videos on break ups and did all the crap people tell you to do to move on. None of it worked. In fact, something in me changed for the worse last month. Despite making new and supportive friends, nothing gives me enjoyment anymore. Life is just empty and pointless these days. I go to therapy weekly in the hopes that something will fix my brain.

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Shanzz

This is the same thing im experiencing. But i have no friends nor family to speak to. Just me alone and my four walls. Everyday just wishing to die. Not only from heartbreak but also the humiliation and shame.

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Christelle

This info didn’t really make me feel better until I read the part about just getting through today. Then the tears came.
July 2015, I fell for possibly the oldest line in the book: “my wife and and I are only living together for the kids, we are leading separate lives”
I was treated like a princess, romantic lunches, showered with affection and jewellery, he met my family and friends, he promised marriage, wanted me to move house to be closer to him.
Suddenly, he has to take 2 weeks off work to be with the kids. And then I get dumped, being told the age difference is too big.
Turns out the actual fact is that his wife is very much with him and we were both lied to, and his 2 weeks off was to take them all off on holiday. This guy must have been living like James Bond.

My heart is not only broken because I’m mourning for the future I was planning, but also because of the lies he has been telling me from the very start. Now I realise I never knew him at all and that frightens me because I trusted him with my life, heart and soul. How could I have been so blind???
All I can think of are the coming weeks and months, but that one piece of advice to just get through each day may just be what will save my life.

I wish there was some way of avoiding this horrendous pain, and I know I should be thanking my lucky stars I didn’t get stuck with a cheat. But in the immediate aftermath, I just can’t bring myself to think of him in those terms. Nor as myself as the “other woman”.
I hope we can all get through our pain and come through the other side better.

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Bree

I am so sad for the abyss of the pain I read in all of your stories. Loss of a love is just devastating- it is also all tied in with our hormone and nervous system which is suddenly starved as well. So it’s normal to feel.. AWFUL. I just lost someone I was deeply in love with, a friend of 35 years where we finally felt like we were getting OUR chance. Turned out his external AND internal world really were very unstable and chaotic not ready for a partnership. As a single professional mom in my 50s, I began to see that the extreme stress in his life and how he DIDN’T handle it was having a severe toll on me too. We both had trauma in our teen hoods and that all got kicked up I believe because we loved each other way bac kthen. I however had done a lo tof “relationship work” and he had not… so he had so many detrimental patterns and also was still living back with his parents (!) in a family system without emotional honesty, planning, boundaries or limit with his kids or finances. started to have panic attacks feeling I am going to go DOWN with this ship… It was the hardest thing I’ve done to end it- as I really love him deeply, and was IN love. But when he refused angrily to do some couple’s work to try to right the ship so maybe we could try with more consciousness, I knew he was not ready to do the work to be with me right now. He’s in his own therapy.. but just at the beginning. I have been having super high anxiety and panic and started w a new trauma thearpist and two nights ago, some medicine. I thought I would marry this old friend now lover who would become my life partner. That was what he said and still wants. It’s terribly painful when the heart doesn’t line up with the reality of someone’s life. And i had to save mine. It broke my heart to lose him, for me. and once again to leave him…but I waS getting so hurt by his immaturity and dangerous life patterns and his telling me he was all “there” for me but constantly letting me down and NOT being there for me. Please seek out help, medicine etc if you are panicky or depressed in a way that lingers and makes every day so hard. You all deserve it and you all deserve someone who leads with their heart, and has devotion and integrity in word and actions.

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Jacob

Hi
My Story Not like you I loved girl past 6 months this is my first love she came and proposed to first and now she left me no reason and i tried to compromise her but she blocked my mob number and i tried call she won’t give answer my call and then i tried commit suicide like accident even I called when i’m in hospital with strichses on head but she did’t answer .now what i want to for comeback to my life and i don’t know what will happen to me I’m just lauging infront of my friends but i really prayed to god but i didt know .please give some suggestion

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Toni

My heart goes out to all of you. I’m in your boat.
After a horrible 27 year marriage to a habitual cheater, I divorced him. The process was long and arduous.
During the process I met the love of my life, who was also going through a divorce after 27 years.
No matter the outcome… I will always classify him as the LOML.
For the first 3 years it was a long distance romance, but so sweet. Then he moved closer and I split time between my home and his apartment.
Yes we had normal lover’s quarrels, but our love remained iron-clad.
Three months ago he moved in. We’ve been readying my house for sale, but he grew moody and sometimes cruel.
He had given me a “promise ring” 5 years ago, and it was accidentally damaged. That was 6 months ago, and he’s never had it repaired. Symbolism.
I don’t pester him about reasons we haven’t gotten married. But on occasion when I do, he always has an excuse.
Yesterday, I told him to move out. And he did. I’m in terrible pain. I’m scared. I’m petrified. I’m panicking. But I KNOW I have to melt down this relationship to get to the bottom.
If he never comes back, or never reaches out, then I saved myself more heartache.
Sometimes we have to endure the most painful scenarios to determine where we stand.
Six and a half years is more than enough time to decide whether you want to get married.
It’s the oldest story in the book. Failure to launch. And it’s a cruel game which hurts and batters one’s self-esteem.
I just don’t get it because he’s always near, declares his love, etc.
But he just wouldn’t take that final step.

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Nicole

I feel like my life is over. I fell in love with a man I thought was my answered prayer. We moved quickly. Saying “I love you,” after two months of dating and me up and moving away with him to a new state eight hours away after he received a promotion at work. I thought he was the real deal.
I got depressed after the move and he spent months trying to make me happy. But the gifts, time, or actions never made me feel better. He eventually asked to be moved back to my homestate after I found out I was pregnant hoping that I would go back to normal.
But I didn’t. I was depressed. I am depressed. He bought me things and tried his best to make me feel better. But I found out that he was texting other girls and had downloaded tinder to see “if he still had it.” He felt like I didn’t care about him. I definitely drifted away from him because of the depression but I was always faithful. After he promised he would stop, I told him that I wouldn’t give up on him. I didn’t leave.
Three months later while on a family vacation with our son and his daughter from a previous marriage, I found pictures of his friends that he’d secretly screenshotted using a creepy app on his phone. He was using the pictures to masturbate since I wasn’t as sexually motivated as he was.
But I forgave him. We worked it out or so I thought.
We decided that I should go back to school and in doing so, my time and patience grew thin. I was tired all day and did homework all night. He felt neglected and unwanted despite him knowing that I was doing all of this so that we could have a better life.
One day when I was sick he slept in his daughters room because he didn’t want to get sick. In reality, he needed space. He told me that the last time we had sex, he couldn’t finish and it concerned him. He wanted to break up because he was tired of me not being happy. He was tired of feeling unloved.
I left but made every effort to get him back. I went to therapy, did my hair and makeup, tried to see the bright side. But he secretly had another girlfriend and I found out. He didn’t deny it but justified it. He claimed to have deleted her number but I fouund her number saved under his best friends name. He called me ugly, said she was prettier. I was fat, she had a better body. I was boring, and they had great conversations. I left for good.
I’m trying to remove him from my life but because we have a son, it’s difficult. I still have to talk to him.
There is so much more to this story but I’m just heartbroken and need help. I’m still keeping up with the therapy but I need something more. I’m devastated.

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christine G

I am going through this too. I was with my husband for 18 years. He had an emotional affair 3 years ago. I tried my hardest to forgive him, but the trust was gone, but I still loved him and wanted to keep our family together.
December 2017, he told me he didn’t love me and wanted to separate, he was messaging another girl. On the 1st Jan 2018 I moved out of our house with our 13 year old daughter. A week later, he said he was sorry and he loved me and wanted to try and make it work, he never tried, I feel I was just a stop gap till something else came along, and I was right. He is now seeing ‘Stacey’ who he has described to our 14 year old as ‘Fit’ ….Really, who does that.
I am utterly devastated, not sleeping, crying and just feeling low. I am pushing myself to work everyday, but its getting so hard. I do not feel I can cope with this hurt, I feel worthless…

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